This is the first time I've used a journal of any kind since I was probably 14. I don't much like writing, but I've been at this TTC game for about 6 months now - and found that I needed a bit of a break from the regular boards -and wanted somewhere to vent my ideas and emotions.
Here's my history
DH and I got married when I was 19, and just finished my 2nd year of college. We decided that once i graduated - we would TTC after I got my first job. But, 8 months before I was finished with my program (and 4 days before my 21st b-day) I found out that I had a prolactin secreting tumor. It was large and had almost closed off my optic nerves. At this point we had been married for 3 years and I was beginning to get baby fever.
We were not allowed to TTC until my tumor was under control. I had gained about 60 pounds in 4 months and was feeling terrible. At the time I had no health insurance because I got free medical care at the university clinic. But once I was diagnosed with the tumor - I had to see endocrinololgists, neuroopthomologists and have MRI's. None of those things were covered. So I spend all of our savings ($5,000) in medical bills in 2 months. That was money we had saved for our future baby. Then DH's grandfather saved the day by cashing in several stocks to give us nearly $10,000 - that was quickly spent in medical bills. This allowed me not to drop out of school in my last semester. Soon I got a special medical card through the Red Cross - they would help pay for my future appointments with the specialists.
The next year I was still dealing with the tumor - all though it had shrunk- I still needed the medication to maintain my prolactin level. I still did not feel normal. I knew something else was not right. I stayed on my BCP's and we moved away from home - to GA. I taught there for a year - but we hated it even thought it was near my mom.
The next year We moved to VA - not near anyone we knew, but I had a good job offer and thought I might go back to school there for my masters. I saw a doc that was supposed to be a specialist. She confirmed that my tumor was gone. I was so excited about the prospects of finally TTC!
I told DH the good news when i got home from the doctor. He was not excited. He said he had changed his mind - maybe he didn't want kids afterall. It ripped my heart out! We lived our lives for another year. I didnt' bring it up - because he wouldn't talk about it.
I finally got up the nerve to ask him why - and after MANY useless converstaions, a lot of crying and much pleading - I got it out of him. He was afraid for my life. He thought that If I got preganant - my tumor would come back and I might die.
I spent the next 3 years going to this specialist. She would write my DH notes approving TTC -but he still didn't believe her. And I still wasn't feeling %100 normal. So I requested a blood test for thyroid. It came back I needed meds for this too. The specialisat overdosed me -and I got even sicker. I switched doctors after a huge hassle. and began charting my temps. I stopped taking BCP's - mostly because I wanted to be able to see how my hormones were working - and I didn't think those pills were helping.