My Journey - TTC #1 (BFP - 10dpo)

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
My Journey - TTC #1 (BFP - 10dpo)

Hello,
This is the first time I've used a journal of any kind since I was probably 14. I don't much like writing, but I've been at this TTC game for about 6 months now - and found that I needed a bit of a break from the regular boards -and wanted somewhere to vent my ideas and emotions.

Here's my history
DH and I got married when I was 19, and just finished my 2nd year of college. We decided that once i graduated - we would TTC after I got my first job. But, 8 months before I was finished with my program (and 4 days before my 21st b-day) I found out that I had a prolactin secreting tumor. It was large and had almost closed off my optic nerves. At this point we had been married for 3 years and I was beginning to get baby fever.

We were not allowed to TTC until my tumor was under control. I had gained about 60 pounds in 4 months and was feeling terrible. At the time I had no health insurance because I got free medical care at the university clinic. But once I was diagnosed with the tumor - I had to see endocrinololgists, neuroopthomologists and have MRI's. None of those things were covered. So I spend all of our savings ($5,000) in medical bills in 2 months. That was money we had saved for our future baby. Then DH's grandfather saved the day by cashing in several stocks to give us nearly $10,000 - that was quickly spent in medical bills. This allowed me not to drop out of school in my last semester. Soon I got a special medical card through the Red Cross - they would help pay for my future appointments with the specialists.

The next year I was still dealing with the tumor - all though it had shrunk- I still needed the medication to maintain my prolactin level. I still did not feel normal. I knew something else was not right. I stayed on my BCP's and we moved away from home - to GA. I taught there for a year - but we hated it even thought it was near my mom.
The next year We moved to VA - not near anyone we knew, but I had a good job offer and thought I might go back to school there for my masters. I saw a doc that was supposed to be a specialist. She confirmed that my tumor was gone. I was so excited about the prospects of finally TTC!

I told DH the good news when i got home from the doctor. He was not excited. He said he had changed his mind - maybe he didn't want kids afterall. It ripped my heart out! We lived our lives for another year. I didnt' bring it up - because he wouldn't talk about it.

I finally got up the nerve to ask him why - and after MANY useless converstaions, a lot of crying and much pleading - I got it out of him. He was afraid for my life. He thought that If I got preganant - my tumor would come back and I might die.

I spent the next 3 years going to this specialist. She would write my DH notes approving TTC -but he still didn't believe her. And I still wasn't feeling %100 normal. So I requested a blood test for thyroid. It came back I needed meds for this too. The specialisat overdosed me -and I got even sicker. I switched doctors after a huge hassle. and began charting my temps. I stopped taking BCP's - mostly because I wanted to be able to see how my hormones were working - and I didn't think those pills were helping.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I charted for a long time - and around month 9 of charting and not being on BCP's - my dh decided that we could use the charting to avoid pregnancy - but was still afraid of my medical condition (even though they were in control).
My new doctor told my DH that it was now or never to TTC - because of my other medical conditions, I would probably go through menopause early. Sad

Through my charting I realized that I had LPD. My cycles were regular - but I always O'd late and only had 9 day LP's. I was worried, and made an appointment to see the RE. The first open appointment was in mid July.

At the 11th month of TTC - and 7 years later.... DH and I finally agreed that now was the perfect time to start TTC. I teach - so if I got pregnant in May or June, My baby would be due in Feb or so. then I could take the rest of the school year off.

We TTC for June, but no luck. In July we TTC and a few days later we left for vacation for the 2ww. When we were driving back home for 2 days I started spotting and knew AF was on the way.
The next day was my RE appt. - so I took a preg. test and it was positive. I was so excited - but scared too because a few hours later, while waiting in the RE's waiting room. I began bleeding....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I finally got into see the RE. They accidentally scheduled me for a 10 minute appt. instead of a 1 hour appt. This meant that I wouldn't get my charts looked at , or any info. Also, they were running an hour behind - and though my appt. was at 3:30, it was 4:40 by the time I finally saw the doctor. As soon as I told him about the BFP - he sent me to the lab and told me I would hear the results tomorrow.

The results were that my HCG was low - only 25. the progesterone was even worse. only 3. He told me it didn't look good, but he wanted to try to save it just in case.

throughout the next 3 weeks I had bloodwork done every other day, progesterone suppositories 2 times a day and a u/s every week.
By the last u/s my gestational sac that was 7mm the week before - had reabsorbed. It was over.

I knew from the first day that I was bleeding that it wouldn't stick. I knew that my March baby (which would have been perfect timing for work) was not to be. I was sad about this of course - but stoic at the same time. I have taken many biology classes - and understand that the human body will get rid of things that are not working right - in an effort to fight off infection. I just had a feeling that this was one of those cases - where it wouldn't have worked anyway. That brought me peace of mind - and knowing that I could get pregnant was great news for me.

My RE told me to avoid getting pregnant the next cycle and to start Clomid to fix the LPD/low progesterone problem. So I sat out for the rest of August and went back to his office on CD4. I got my clomid and started taking it right away.

The hotflashes were terrible - and I wasn't sleeping welll... but I usually don't sleep well, so this was tolorable. The RE told me to expect O around day 14 or 15 - he said the clomid would fix my late O.

On day 17 - there was still no sign of O. I called the RE to make sure my appt. on cd24 was still fine for my progesterone check - seeing that it would be less than 6 days - and they like 7dpo..
It was fine because the next day my VERY negative OPK's and my saliva microscope instantly turned blazing positive. I also got the best CM I've ever had that night.

We had been BDing every day for the last 5 days - so I figured my bases were covered. That day - day18- we didn't BD, but did the next day.
I was so relieved when I finally O'd because I knew that I O'd- but more because my ovaries stopped twinging all day long!

When I was 6dpo - I had my u/s to check my O. I had O'd 2 large eggs and one smaller one. My progesterone was really high - 72.9. I was excited about the possiblity of twins. The RE's nurse was excited too - which helped.

But - all the while, I was hoping, but trying not to get my hopes up. Then things started getting strange. I began to get the tight feeling in my uterus again - like when I was pregnant before. I began getting excited.
Then on 11dpo - I had pink spotting for a few hours. It stopped and I tested - BFN. The next day, the spotting was gone - still BFN. I figured it was too early. So on 14dpo - the longest ever - I still got a BFN - and I called my RE because I had more of that pink spotting - and figured that it was happening again. another m/c .I called the RE and told them I was on 14dpo - and CD32. They wanted me to come in for a HCG test and see if I was pregnant or not -and if not they would start me on provera - so I can start a new cycle - unless AF arrived.
I went to the store and back to work for a few hours after my blood test - then I felt some wetness. Went to the bathroom - red spotting on the tissue. AF had arrived again :evil:

No more twins, no more anything - and I knew that the RE would call the next day and tell me what I already assumed - not pregnant - or worse yet, another m/c.

So I drove to the drug store - picked up another month's supply of clomid, more OPK's some EPO, and a huge candy bar (which I never eat junk food). I ate the entire thing on my way back to work - where I ordered more preseed online.

I still have guilt about not BDing the night of my positive OPK - like I vexed it. I had also run out of my prolactin meds about 11dpo - and didn't get them refilled because the RE told me not to take them after a BFP - I was hoping I wouldn't need to get a refill.... After the fact I found out that too high of prolactin can prevent implantation. ... I feel guilty about this too. What if my twins were there - and couldn't implant because of something I did?

The night AF arrived was the night of the local Doula meeting. I'm a doula and was to introduce myself to a group of pregnant mothers - explain what a doula does, and hopefully get hired by someone. But - I was sad - and AF left me grumpy. I held it together for the meeting and no one was the wiser. It was really nice to see others be able to hold on to their babies and prepare for birth - but at the same time I felt jealous - and I didn't want to feel like that.

So after 14 hours out between work, doctor, work, doula meeting, etc. I got home at 9:45pm and told DH that we missed this month too. I asked him how he felt about that - and he just said that he didn't really feel anything because it's not real to him. He also said that he was relieved to know we wouldn't be having twins. When he saw the stash of stuff I bought for the next cycle - he just rolled his eyes and we went to sleep. He is still scared about me getting sick with a pregnancy - but I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

At least this Af is being kind. I only had cramps for an hour - I put an aleve in my pocket just in case - and didn't need it.

At work there are 4 more pregnant women - and on the bulliten board in the teacher's lounge - right outside the staff bathroom door - are all the photos of the beautiful babies of our current and former staff members.
Sigh.... ONe day....

So I've decided not to temp till I have to - probably cd13 or so. and then only temp till I get O confirmed and have my RE appt. again for u/s progesterone at 7dpo. During my 2ww- the plan is to temp every 3rd day or so - and try not to worry. I decided to stay away from the boards for a while - I don't want to have to have mixed feeling about the BFP's. I get so excited about other's announcements - but then feel badly about it later when I get in a pity mood.

I start my next round of clomid tomorrow - hotflashes here we come!

*I guess there is a bit of a silver lining here - I might actually be able to re-paint the crib that my SIL gave us. I want it white. and oneday I intend on using it. I also bought some great orange yarn that is really soft - to make a bay blanket out of. i've decided I'm sick of yellow and pink and blue. I already almost finished knitting a yellow blanket. I don't know why I'll need 2 - maybe I will end up with twins - but if not there are 4 people at work that need a baby gift right?

Well off to the gym to do a few miles on the treadmill and go to pilates. After that I have to go back to work. Tonight is our school's 1st term open house. I'll get home late again tonight. 9:00 probably.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is going alright. I forgot my lunch on the counter at home this morning, so after driving 30 minutes to work, I stopped at the gourmet gas station and had them make me a deli sandwich. It was so good!

I took my clomid today - as scheduled, and the hot flashes are starting to come back. My ears feel like they are on fire....

The thing I'm most excited about is that I usually have to work till 4:20 on Thursdays - and then I get stuck behind a school bus all the way home. I live in the country, so they stop at every house as they travel along 18 miles of curvy country roads with no passing zones.

BUT - our faculty meeting was cancelled for today, and since we had to stay at work last night till 8:30, We get to leave when our work is done for the day. I think I'll just walk my class of pre-k out to the bus, and head straight to the car and go to the gym.

OH

I have to make a pouch sling for my sister's friend. She just had her baby on Sunday. After that I think I'll start sanding down the crib to get it ready to start painting it. Afterall, it's supposed to rain tonight and then it will start getting cold here soon.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, i'm glad today is Friday. I feel like I need a weekend. I know it will help pass the time too. I'm at the point where I just wish I were already done with the 2ww - and I was pregnant - but isnt' everyone wishing that? Lol
I saw the woman I work with. She is 15 weeks today (and I found out she is due 2 days from my old EDD with my m/c baby). She is starting to show a lot more lately. Every time I pass her in the hall, I think, someday I'll have a baby bump too.

2nd day of clomid -and I actually have had only 1 minor hot flash all day. Hopefully that means that I won't get too many bad ones this cycle - but I also don't want it to mean that the meds aren't working as well as last time - since I'm on the same dose.
The great news is AF is done and I finished the sling for my sister's friend. I didn't start sanding the crib yet - because I forgot about the special order I have to make. Someone ordered a fleece jacket and some matching fleece overalls for their 5 month old grandson. So I cut that out last night - and I'll make it when I get home from work. ONly one more hour till I get to leave this place. Even though today was a fairly easy day at work, I'm still very ready to go home.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well another day closer to O. I only have 2 more clomid to take and then the wait begins for the pos. OPK.

I feel good and am surprised that I'm not as tired as I usually am for a Saturday. I work selling my sewing at the farmer's market -and wake at around 5 - then I'm usually ready for a nap by now (1:30)

Today at the market - one of the homebirth midwives approached me. She is doula-ing for a woman who is expecting twins. She will be out of town for a week near the due date, so she asked that I cover for her while she is out of town. I feel that is such an honor. Also, she is going to the MANA conference and wants to bring several of my pouch slings with her to sell there. In some ways I dream of becoming a midwife because birth is so beautiful - and I want every future mom to not be afraid - and have the great experience of a midwife with them. Unfortunatly, ther are very few midwives here.

We have only 5. Only one of them still has hospital privledges. This is because malpractice rates are so high -and it is difficult to find an OB with the willingness to share his practice with a midwife. This is required in my state. So 4 of them are homebirth only. I would LOVE a homebirth - but am not sure if I'd be able to do it. I live 30 minutes from the hospital, and have a thyroid condition. Also, if the clomid gives me twins one day, most homebirth midwives won't do them for twins unless both are head down.

The other great thing is that I usually charge about $350 for doula work, and if I substitute for the midwife, I would make $600!! If it works out that she goes into labor and I get to attend - I will save the $ in a birth fund to use to either do a homebirth or hire this midwife as my doula. She is so great! Any $ that is left over from that will go in to an account to start an education fund for our child.

I feel very positive about this cycle today. I think it helps to not be on the regular boards for a while. I can relax more - and I don't have to temp every day. I actually didn't temp today on time, so adjusted the temps. I probably won't temp at all until cd11 or so.

Later today - lawn mowing and crib sanding. OOOH! I almost forgot, I only have 5 more rows to knit on the baby blanket I've been making. I've sewn about 3 rows each weekend for a year now (ever since we decided to start TTC). I can't believe it is almost finished! It's really pretty. Maybe when it's done, I'll post a photo.

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, Sunday is almost over - and I feel like I accomplished a lot. It was so relaxing to do some knitting (of my 2nd baby blanket) - and then I went shopping to Lowes to get some gardening stuff. I worked in the yard with DH all afternoon (and the 2 neighbor kids ages 11 & 13). I planted 4 bushes and 12 other plants. I'm very excited to get things done around my house and one day I'll have a nice garden and a beautiful yard.

Well I did finish knitting my first baby blanket. I'm not sure yet if I'll keep it for myself or give it to a friend's baby. Probably keep it, since none of my close friends will ever have children and the others aren't very close friends - more like work aquaintances. I don't think I could part with it.

Here's a pic:

Oh, and a few months ago I made this hooded towel for my cousin - but she had already gotten 6 of them off her registry so I kept it. :oops:

One more clomid! and only one more week till I start temping again.

My MIL called today. She is flying in from CHIC. for x-mas. She started telling me how someone in her office just found out she is pregnant - evidently she is already 6 months - and she just didn't know! I so badly want to be able to tell her to expect another grandchild - and give her that info in a box at x-mas. What a fun gift! If it works out this cycle, I'd be about 12 weeks by then.

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I knew it wouldn't last too long. The hot flashes have been TERRIBLE today! I also think I'm coming down with a UTI - which is so frustrating. I'll have to pick up some cranberry juice on my way home today.

I got my re-order of preseed in the mail - and I ordered a 3 pack. They sent 4 in the box - so great!

anyway, I am hopeful that things work out this cycle. I feel like it's my last chance for 5 months - due to work.

but then again, I just got my paycheck stub in the mail and it says I have 36 accumulated sick days. Which I can use for maternity leave - and get paid. I also can use another 30 days from the sick leave bank.
That would get me almost 3 months off of work - which is better than what I thought I'd get. We will keep trying if this doesn't work, but I'm not sure about upping my clomid. I'm already O'ing and on it I O'd 3 last time. for some reason I didn't catch them, but that's beside the point. I don't want to O five eggs or something like that!

I'm just hoping for the best - and if it works out, announcing it at x-mas. Should be fun!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Holy hotflashes Bat Man!

I had about 6 of them last night alone - and a really terrible one at around 4 this morning. I coulnd't get back to sleep, so around 5 I got up to go to the bathroom. I ended up laying awake until my alarm went off at 6:15.

I have a feeling this day is going to seem long!

Yesterday I was really sore (my legs) from doing a lot of gardening over the weekend, so I skipped out on going to the gym, and instead went shopping. I got some really cute x-mas ornaments that hold small photos. I got 6 of them. Maybe one day I'll get to put a pic of our baby in there and give them to the granparents and aunts& uncles for gifts.

Okay, you caught me, I'm hoping to use them this christmas with u/s pics in there - to give to them (since I'd be about 12 weeks at that point). My family tradition is to open our new ornament on x-mas eve.
I would love to mail them all to the family with those directions - and see who is the first to call! My MIL will be at our house, but everyone else will be at their houses. Should be fun if it works out that way! I think I'll have to find one more somewhere ( bought all they had), but I'll need 4 for the grandparents - and 3 for the aunts & uncles. - so I'm one short.

Now I just have to figure out how to not bleed when I get another BFP. I hope the clomid does the trick long enough to keep my progesterone up this time. :?

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AGHHH!!!! :argh: Those :protest: :violent1: :bigangry: :pissed: :blowup: darn hot flashes are going to be the end of me! They are so much worse than last cycle.
Last time I had them for the last 2 days of my clomid pills. This time they started then, but are still here - 4 days later! and getting worse!

It's gotten so bad that they wake me up every hour or so all night long - because I'm so hot - then I can't go back to sleep after about 3 or 4 am. Needless to say I've got HUGE circles under my eyes - and I'm SOOO tired!
I asked the secretary at my school to find me a sub for tomorrow so I can get some sleep (hopefully! :sleep: :sleep: )

Also - tomorrow is my 29th birthday - so it will be a nice present to myself to take a day off of work. I just wish it was because of fun- not because I'm exhausted.

Well, I'm meeting a potential doula client today for coffee and an interview. If she hires me - she will be my 4th birth. The only thing that I'm kinda worried about is that she is due on my old EDD. March 20. I think I'll be fine with it - especially if I get a BFP before then! Also - the biggest I'll be is 5-6 months along - which should still work out fine to assist her in labor. I definately wouldn't do it if I was further along than that!

Wish me rest!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AHHHH, I had a great day skipping out on work. Although I didn't get any better sleep last night - I could at least lay in bed till almost 10, and I took a nap today too. I feel a bit more like I caught up on missed sleep.

I think the hot flashes are getting a bit better though. I was having them about once an hour - which is why I wasn't sleeping. But today they seem more like once every 2-3 hours. I really hope they start tapering off soon. I'm supposed to start temping again regularly beginning tomorrow.

I planned on taking cd1-11 off of temping, then temping and OPKing till after O is confirmed on FF, then temping sometimes after that during the 2ww. But I'll have a u/s 8dpo with progesterone check. I hope I O 2 eggs again this cycle - and have high progesterone again too. I think it gives me the best chance of at least one of them sticking.

Oh, I was reading today that Vitamin E really helps with implantation and placental attachement. I think I'll have to start taking it. The recommendations from the book I was reading was 500iu per day for the whole 2ww and one more week. I thought it was funny that they said not to take it longer than 3 weeks - because it can cause the placenta to get too stuck and may cause problems with it detaching normally at birth.

I went to the dollar store yesterday to pick up some tin foil and some other stuff, and they had the cutest photo books. I bought 2 -one for my mom and one for MIL - so I can give them to them one day when I get a BFP. It has blue, green and yellow strips on it and is 3x5 and is a soft cover so it is easy to stick in your purse.

I hope I o sooner this month. Last cycle I didnt' O till cd18. I'm hoping for 15 or 16... I just want to be pregnant -and waiting the extra 3 or 4 days seems like torture! Lol

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, I feel lazy. I took yesterday off - with the goal of catching up on sleep, and hopefully getting some painting done.
I slept in till about 9:30, and then was lazy - doing nothing till 12:45 when I had to drive DH to the dentist.

When I came home, I took a load of trash to the dump, and took a nap. So much for getting painting done. Sad I have to get the crib painted soon... because I only have about 5 more days till O time - and if I don't paint it before then, I'll have to pay someone to paint it since DH can't due to his asthma.

anyway, yesterday was my 29th birthday, and I'm so glad I stayed home. I feel like I got to rest up and no one called or tried to surpise me. I don't celebrate birthdays, so that was great!
My dad called the day before my birthday to say Hi,and my mom left a message on the phone to say happy birthday - but I wasn't home.

I'm anxiously awaiting to hear from the doula client I interviewed with. She said she would contact me today to tell me if she will be hiring me. I really hope so. I love doing it so much - and If things go well with this cycle, I won't be able to do many more after her EDD. She is due 6 days after my old EDD - and though some people may think that difficult - I think I'll find it comforting to know that someone got their March baby - and hopefully I'll get a July one!

I will be starting OPK's and temping tomorrow.

Oh, and I SLEPT last night!!! :woohoo:
I only had 2 hot flashes all night - so I actually got some sleep. I feel so much better today!

Tomorrow i'm supposed to sell the baby slings and clothing that I make - but It's going to rain, so I probably wont' go since It's outside. DH works for the vegetable farmer who has a booth next to mine, and he is expecting DH there, but I think I'll call the farmer tonight just to make sure . I don't want to get up at 5am if I don't have to .

-jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, it's the weekend. It's been very rainy and kinda cold too. That means I didn't have to wake up at 5am yesterday to sell at the farmer's market. I'm really glad about that since I wasnt' in the mood anyway.

Went to the library and got a few books. One is a book on crockpot recipes - and I have been meaning to use mine more. Maybe if I get good at it, it will help me one day when we do have a child - then dinner will be ready without spending too much time in the kitchen.

I also have something silly to admit. I opened at thingsiwant.com account - and am making a list of great things for baby. I have it as a private list for now - just in case someone from my family comes across it in a google search or something - they wouldn't be able to open it and get the wrong idea. It was really fun though - I found some great wooden toys, cloth diapers and other fun stuff.

I also got a call from my sister yesterday to wish me a happy birthday. I ended up telling her that I took my b-day off of work to sleep because I was so tired. i also told her about the m/c and the clomid that was causing it all. so she is the only person besides dh that knows about this.

Now I have a few more days before O. I'm guessing 5 or so, but it would be great if it happened a few days earlier!

The OPK was darker today - but still definately negative. My microscope was the same - nada.

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yes, I finally started it - I sanded the crib parts and put primer on everything except the sides where the bars are. I ran out of primer. So I'll have to pick up another can of primer spray paint to finish that.
I hope to get a coat of paint on it when I get home from work - since it's supposed to rain again this week, and I'd rather not do the painting in my basement. It looks good white. The crib is like a normal crib, but with 2 drawers under it, and a set of 3 drawers attached to the side. The drawers are huge - and the drawers that go on the side is high enough to use as a changing table.

I'm starting to feel O pain - which I felt for about 3-4 days last cycle before I actually got a positive OPK. It's weird too that last time I O'd 3 eggs. One small one from the right, and two big ones on the left. My left ovary is the more uncomfortable one again this time. Maybe I'm just a leftie?

All the students in my class are getting sick now that the weather is changing. I really hope I don't get it. It's mostly that nasty cough - but mumps and scabies is in the school too - so I've been washing so much my hands are chapped. The last thing I need is to get some nasty virus when I do get pregnant!

-jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, It's Tuesday - I'm excited that I'm getting closer to O time.

My ovaries are SORE today! I feel like I have pants on that are too tight - bu only on those two spots of my tummy. It's been alternating between left and right. I'm kinda thinking I'll O from both again this time.

I also used an OPK again today. It was much darker than yesterday. I wrote it in as positive because the line was the same color as the control line - on part of it. I went to POAS.com and saw that if the entire width of the line isn't as dark - but part of it was - that it still counts. I'll have to see what the OPK shows tomorrow. I might use another one when I get home from work - just in case.

I don't think I O'd yet though as my ovaries still hurt and my temp isn't up. We got out the preseed yesterday and will use it till FF confirms O. I didn't have a place to put it on my chart - so I put it in as "other meds" and there is an x on the chart now. I really want this to work. But I also have this feeling that it will never happen. I just get so nervous!

Last night I painted more of the crib. It's starting to look nice. All of it has primer on it now- and a few pieces have real paint. I think I should be able to finish it by Thursday.

I'm a bit nervous about this cycle now. I know that I have to go back to the RE to have my ovaries checked again at 7-8dpo, and that doesn't bother me much. What get me is the blood tests. I have tiny veins and it always hurts. Then the waiting for the numbers to come back is so nerve wracking!

I hope this one goes smoothly - I either want an obvious negative and AF or an obvious positive that doesn't start bleeding - and has great HCG's.
((((please)))))

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yay! I o'd last night late... I had a neg. OPK, then the yesterday a positive, and today negative again... I only ever get short LH surges - so that's normal for me. My ovaries finally stopped hurting in the middle of the night last night - so I"m thinking that is when it happened.

We have been BDing for the last 3 days with preseed, so I hope I caught the egg this month. We will BD again today when I get home from work, just in case. My temp was up this morning, so I think this was it.

Here's hoping that I get a good 2ww in and I get a long cycle - about 9 months or so... Biggrin I'll temp for a few more days just to make sure the O is real, then I'll stop temping for a while again. I have my CD21 bloodwork and u/s to check the ovaries next thursday. I hope it looks goood again this cycle and there are no surprises.

-jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, It's been a few days since I wrote last. NOthing exciting has happened, and life has just gone on as usual.

I did o - which is good. We BD'd the day before, the day of, and the day after - all with preseed. I really hope we caught it!

I don't feel any different than usual - with the exception of a TON of creamy cm today (5dpo) - that and on 3 dpo I had O-like cramping. So who knows?

I never got finished spray-painting the crib pieces though. I did about 1/3 of of it completly finished, but the other 2/3 needs one more coat. So now I can't paint it unless I get a mask or something since it's the 2ww and all.

I'm getting a bit nervous too. IF I get a BFP this month - it will be bittersweet - I will worry constantly about the prospects of keeping it since I lost the last one, AND it's not going to be ideal timing for my job situation. I teach, so I don't get maternity leave, but I can use sick days to get "paid" for my time off. I know that I need to take my BFP when it comes (and I'll do it happily) but I keep wishing the situation was different so I could use my sick time till the end of the school year, then have the summer off, or have the summer off with the baby ,and then use my sick time for the first month of school. As it is, I'd be due 5 weeks before school starts. So I'll have to use up ALL of my sick days to stay home till week 8 - then I'll have to see what I can do. I can always take the 12 weeks of FMLA time, but that would be w/o $, and DH doesn't get a paycheck as he is a SAHH. I'm very comfortable with him being the SAHD, and me working my 7 1/4 hours a day with summers and holidays off, but I feel somewhat sad about it all because I want to BF as long as possible, and that will be SO hard if I have to return to work too soon.

Okay, enough worry for one day.
*I do have some good news though: I was selling the baby stuff I make today at the Saturday market and it was one hour before the market closed and I had only sold $30 worth of stuff. Then in the last 45 minutes, I sold 4 baby slings, and 2 outfits. I couldn't believe that I actually sold that much. I'm so happy to have more $ to put into our baby fund!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, I haven't updated my journal in a while.

I think its mostly because I'm trying not to obsess or be anxious this cycle. And I thought it would help to not write so much. I think it did help.

But honestly there isn't much to obsess about. I'm 10 dpo - and I did test this morning, but didn't mark it on my chart. It was neg. I figured it would be, but I knew I wouldnt' get a chance to do it tomorrow because I have to work so early.

I have no symptoms, no sore breasts, no nothin.... The only things that I have noticed are not pregnancy symptoms: thirsty all the time (due to sinuses/allergies), Having to get up to pee during the night (because I keep forgetting to take my vitamins with dinner and i end up guzzling a huge glass of water right before bed), and some crampy feelings in my tummy - but it's all over my tummy - so I"m sure it gas or whatever.

I am feeling a bit of a self-pity party, just because I've wanted this so bad for so long. I've seriously wanted a baby since I was 18, and now that I'm 29, that's 11 years that I've secretly wished for a baby. Of course most of that time I was on BCP's and was just hoping to be in that .4% that get pregnant anyway... then I was sick once we got married, and for the last 2 years I've been off the pill, I still can't get a normal cycle going.

I just wish I had more answers that my RE can't give me. He gave me clomid because my progesterone was a bit low, and my LP was short (9). He assumed that I had an LPD, but with the clomid - my progesterone skyrocketed - which was great - but now he thinks that because of that - I don't have LPD. I know that my other hormones can play a big part in getting pregnant - but they are in the right ranges, so I'm stumped.

Oh - and another mystery: For my whole life I have had SERIOUSLY sore breasts before AF every time. Even on BCP's and the whole 2 years I've been off them I still have gotten it. But my last 2 clomid cycles - not one twinge of soreness. At least if I get sore boobs I think I at least have ONE symptom - but nope, nada.

I have to wake up an hour early tomorrow to work at the market - so I don't know how reliable my temps will be - and I won't POAS. I figure I'll test again on Sunday.

The only good news I see for the day is that I have a $100 gift certificate to spend today at the SPCA flea market. I paid $30 for it at a silent auction - and am really excited. I hope to get a nice antique rocking chair for my future nursery someday - and maybe some more great things. Last year I got a brand new baby bath for $2.

Gotta go clean the pet rat's cage, Have a great weekend all!
-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, not hopeful at all. My temp was way down today - although I did temp an hour early, it shouldn't have been that low. Also I think I saw some pink CM yesterday once.

I still have no pregnancy symptoms - so I'm going to call this month a bust too.

At this point I don't think I'll test tomorrow. I tested today - neg. and I think I'll wait till 13 dpo, maybe even 14dpo - since AF came at 13 last cycle. Although I think the kits might be calling my name to POAS, but I'll see how I feel tomorrow when I get up. I have a feeling I will be feeling AF.

Anyhow, it just makes me downright sad. I feel like this is all taking forever - that and that my life is going by so quickly - and if I don't get pregnant tomorrow I'll be 60! I know that's exaggerating, but I just feel like it will never happen.

I also know that when AF comes I'll have to make a desicion quickly as to whether or not I'll go back on the clomid. I think I might not, and see if the RE can just give me some progesterone to take after O. The hot flashes kept me from sleeping for SO long that I don't think I can do it again.

Feeling blue - and since I got up so early - I'm off to take a nap and wait for that ugly witch to ring the door bell. I don't plan on answering, but she tends to sneak in anyway. Sad

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I'm not pregnant this time either. it's now CD 12, and I"ve got spotting, so AF will be here tonight I"m sure and leave me with an 11 day LP - even on clomid, so I really feel sad. Nothing seems to be working - and we already decided no IUI's or IVF's. Now I've got to decide some things - maybe even looking for another endocrinologist - again.... :crybaby:

Here's what I wrote in another thread - sums up my thoughts and I don't have the emotional energy to re-type anyway....

I have some decisions to make in the next few days. It will be very hard to do, and any advice will be gladly accepted.

Here's what I need to weigh:

*If I should do another round of clomid - I was on it after my m/c due to short luteal phases (9-10 days), but it only lenghtened it to 12 or so, which is better - but the side effects were so much worse. Less CM and terrible hot flashes.

*If I should take progesterone medicine after O instead. With my pregnancy my progesterone was only 3 - which either indicated a bad egg, or a progesterone problem. When on the clomid it was sky high though...

*If I should not take any of the meds - afterall, I did get pregnant on neither before, but also - it didn't stick.

*When I should try. I want to keep going because this is taking long enough as it is, but having a fall baby would be the WORST timing with my job as a teacher. Winter would be a bit better, but still not great. The best for my job would be EDD's in Feb-April, then the next best would be EDD's March-July. I don't want to wait, but I also don't want to make things difficult with having to go back to work after baby. (Feb-April would allow me a 6 month maternity-paid, March-July would give me about3 months, and the other times I'd get about 6-8 weeks)

*I would ask DH, but I know what he'll say: It will happen sometime, and if not, we can always adpot. Which is a nice thing to say, but it doesn't help.

*I'm also trying to figure out if I should just stop temping and only use OPK's or if I should stop all of it.

*The last thing that is on my mind is that I have several medical conditions: thyroid, prolactin, arthritis... so in my reading I've read about things like antithyroid antibodies - which can keep you from getting pregnant, or staying pregnant. Also the lupus antibodies that are linked in some studies with arthritis.... I'm really not a hypochondriac, but if all I need to get pregnant and carry a baby to term ends up being a few shots of heparin or something... I might want to know. BUT I'm not sure my RE will run antibody tests, so it might not matter.

AHh, pity me. Well, i'm going to clean house and drink a diet coke (since I've been off caffeine so long and crave a coke) then head to the recycling center and try to think of something not baby related to keep me occupied. Maybe I'll buy some lumber and finally start building that partition wall in my basement.

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay,
I feel a bit better today. The spotting is still here - not creamy brown anymore - it's watery pink, so AF will be here very soon....

Anyway I talked with DH for a while last night - and he agrees - just try to get my thyroid more normal (right now it is just on the normal side of borderline) and then see where that takes us.
So I called my endocrinologist to get an appointment -but the phone was busy for a few hours - so I e-mailed the doc what I was concerned about.
Later I called again and got through. I got an appointment this afternoon! I'm really nervous because this doctor is SO serious and I don't want to seem like "one of those patients" IYKWIM!
I was surprised I could get in this soon - ususally it takes about a month.
My goal is to get my blood re-tested and then to get my meds upped a bit to make my thyroid behave it's self right in the middle of the normal range. Hopefully that will do the trick that it's supposed to and not only help the thyroid - but level out the prolactin too - which in turn makes my FSH better, meaning better egg, meaning better LH and better progesterone. So I plan to not take the clomid this cycle -and see if this thyroid trick works.

I was also very worried about my job for next year - not that I would lose my job, but that I would not be here to get my classroom started - and would have to try to sift though someone else's mess when I got back.
So a thought came to me when I was reading someone else's post - and I might try to switch job titles for a year with one of the "consultant" teachers - like the title 1 teacher. That way I can return to school about the time that the Title teacher starts pulling reading groups -so I wouldn't have to worry about coming back to a classroom that was a bit crazy.
OOOH - I just thought of another benefit! If I had that job - I would actually get breaks!!! That means I could pump a couple times a day! OH MAN! I hope that if I do get pregnant and am due in Aug or Sept - that I can get one of the Title teachers to trade with me!

Anyway, I've been pretending to work all morning, maybe I should actually do some work now Biggrin
-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, AF found me just as i knew she would. I wasn't as upset as I thought - mostly because I KNEW she was coming.

The Endoc. appt. went as well as could be expected. My endo. deals mostly with PCOS and Diabetes, so when I asked him about being tested for antithyroid anitbodies, he didn't know how that relates to pregnancy - but he tested for it anyway and said he woudl do more research on it in the meantime. He will also fax the results to my RE later if I want him to.

He agreed to up my meds to keep me in the 1-2 range on my thyroid. Hopefully that will help. Also, my prolactin was a bit high last time (while still being normal) so he is upping those meds too.
I will get the official results today I think.
I was supposed to call tomorrow morning to the results line, but DH has a follow-up appt. with the internist that shares my endo's office. I think I'll ask the secretary for a copy of my test results while I"m sitting there wiating for DH.

I got some green tea extract for cm this cycle - and I'm going unmedicated. I decided not to go the clomid route this cycle - and I might stay off it for several cycles if it doesn't happen soon. I can always go back on it in the spring - when it would make for a more convienient EDD anyway.

Dh is happy about this too because he was paranoid of the possibility of twins -even though it is my secret hope to have them , I'll take one if I can get it!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I haven't written in a while - mostly because my computer wouldn't let me get to this page... so frustrating!

anyway, here's the update:
I had an appt. with my endocrinologist - he ran blood tests for my thyroid and for my prolactin (which I was already being treated for) and I got him to run the antithyroid antibodies test too.

After a few days the lab results were in and I called the hotline number to listen to the message. All the nurse said was what the Dr. already told me a few days before - that they were upping my meds. She didn't mention the ATA test. SOOO I called their office to see if they could tell me - and the nurse was busy so I left her a message to call me on my cell phone since I wouldn't be at home. But, she called my house and still didnt' leave a message with the results.
I finally got ahold of someone on Monday. All 3 thyroid tests were off - and thus my meds are being upped. but I kinda think that the one notch higher dose still won't be enough. Also my prolactin was a bit high - but in the normal range. Since I explained to my doc that i was TTC and had recently had a m/c he said he would up those meds too so that it wouldn't be a factor.
Then I got my ATA results, but the secretary said there were no notes to tell me if it was positive or not, but she gave me the numbers for the 2 tests. I looked it up online and found a range for one of the tests. My level was 301. Evidently 0-50 is normal, 50-300 is borderline,and over 300 is positive for the antibody. I guess this means I'm positive for it.

I then called my RE to see if they could tell me what the other test meant since my endocrinologyoffice didn't know. They were not able to tell me without seeing the lab sheet. So I had it faxed to them. Haven't heard back form them yet today. I'll call tomorrow to see what is up.

Then I found out that I may need to have injections of immunoglobulin to allow for implantation because of the ATA. But I also read that they only give the injections to IUI and IVF patients. What about people like me that dont' necessarily need those procedures? I'll have to ask when I talk to the RE.

On top of all this I've been very good about taking my EPO and green tea - and I started to get more CM, and it was getting better, then WHAM I get sick. Woke up yesterday morning with a stuffy head, and today it is so much worse. I can't breathe out of my nose at all.
I had to take some sudafed - so now that negates all the green tea. I'll probably have to take even more, and I'm sad because after all this health stuff - I now have less of a chance because I have this stupid head cold :twisted: I also had a high temp this morning - and I know i didn't O on cd10, so I'm sure it's a low grade fever. I dropped the temp.
I'll still use OPK's but I'm not very hopeful this time around.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So here's my next dilemma:

Dh and I have always said that we wanted to adopt domestically through the foster/adopt program. Or just adopt an infant through a local agency.

But I'm in a tight spot - because I want a biological baby first - but it's not necessary.

So with the info about my condition being an autoimmune disorder - it will be MUCH harder for me to get pregnant in the first place - but also harder for me to stay pregnant. SOOO, I'm thinking that maybe I should just give up kinda and try the adpotion thing first. We do have a few thousand set aside right now if we go through an agency - we shoudl be able to cover it. But, I want to TTC and have a baby too. Right now is sort my last shot for a while - I'll still TTC - but it woulnt' be ideal, so I figure I'll just let it happen if it will...

The other thing is this: DH and I enjoy our home and I enjoy my job. But we are not in love with either. We moved here mostly because it is pretty and warmer than where we came from - and it was a good opportunity at the time. But now we are ready for our family to grow and we don't have any relatives around for 10 hours - several hundred miles.
We do want to be closer to someone when we have kids. So I'll for sure finish this year out - but we are debating whether or not to apply for a job somewhere else. Maybe IL? We live in VA now, and have lots of DH's family in IL. Most of mine is in MI and GA. We left MI for a reason - and now there are no jobs to return to - and GA we lived there for a year and hated it. So maybe IL?
But that would require us moving, getting a new job, selling our house, buying a new house, etc. On top of that TTC or maybe being pregnant - or in the middle of trying to adopt? That just wouldn't be fair. I also don't want to change doctors at such an important point in my life. It would also be VERY hard for me to get a job when I'm 7 months pregnant.

So, I figure we will stay here at least a year or 2 - then move? It's so much to consider. I feel very lost and like no-where is home. I haven't made very many friends here - even though we've been here for almost 6 years. Mostly because those that I work with are in their early 60's , and those that are younger - closer to my age (early 30's) only live here for a year or so while their DH finishes his residency at the teaching hospital. They promptly move and I never hear from them again. It's very isolating.
Okay, well I should stop complaining. I've gotta get home and take a nap to try and bust this cold.

-jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I got a positive OPK yesterday - it was SO dark! I tested again this morning to see if it was gone already (like it usually is) and it's still there, and just as dark.

My usually only get one positive OPK - because I think my surge is quick, but this time, I don't know.

I am sitting here also thinking I feel O pain on the right side - but then again, it could be gas right?

So I'm excited about the prospects of another chance, but I'm also nervous that my body isn't quite ready yet. My hormones were on the high side of normal two weeks ago -and they should be much lower, so I'm worried that I will m/c again if I do get a positive.
I think I'll always worry that anyway, but this month I feel especially doomed.

Also- I've had a cold the last few days, so I can't get a an accurate reading on my temp. It's much higher than usual, but then again I'm sick with a head cold-so I'm sure I have a low grade fever.

The weirdest part is that I only have tiny ferns on my microscope -and I usually have a ton when I get a positive OPK. Maybe my body wants to O, but It just can't... But there is a full moon today, and a friend of mine insists that you O on full moons and get AF on new moons. I never really looked into it until she said something, and It actually seems true for me - at least my last few cycles...
So DH and I BD'd last night with preseed, and I have a few more packs of it, so we will use that today and the next couple of days - just to be sure.

I'm SOOOO nervous that I'll get pregannt and lose it again because of my hormones... Man I wish I was a "normal" healthy person instead of having to deal with these DARN autoimmune disorders!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I think my thermometer is a dud, My temps have been wacky, at first I thought it was because I had a head cold and I had a fever, but not...

So I had to get a new one - I got the same brand - but I'm worried that it did this right at O time.... But I'm positive I o'd when I did because of my OPK, and we DTD for the 2 days before the day of, 2 times the day after and once the next day. So the little swimmers are there... used preseed too the day before and the day of.

Still nervous about the prospects though. So today I'm 2dpo, and I just want this so much. I want a sticky bean and a healthy baby. I spent the weekend hiding the baby stuff I have because my mom, sister, brother and SIL will be coming for t-giving and I don't want them to ask about it - especially if I'm not pregnant... The crib that my other SIL gave me - I painted it and then stored it under a tarp in the back corner of the basement. It was not put together so it was easier to hide.

I'm stuck in a faculty meeting today - and I'm really wanting somthing good to drink - something with flavor - but all they bought was coffee, regular soda, and regular tea. Everything has caffeine, and WTH couldn't they get some juice or decaf tea for breakfast???

Last time I was pregnant I had a temp dip at 7 dpo for implantation. I noticed that I never got temp dips on my other cycles, so I'll be looking for that around 6-8dpo. PLEEEEASE!!!!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Now I'm 5dpo, and so far I feel normal, so maybe this wansn't the month... again.....

But I did find a website that offers help and 2nd opinons from medical people about infertility. It's called RESOLVE, and they are going to be starting a chapter of thier organization in my city soon. Mabye that will mean that we will get some good RE's.

Oh, I don't think I wrote this above - but my RE's office never got the fax for some reason, and then the RE called me back and said he "doesn't test for antibodies at his office, and also does not treat for them"...... so much for getting treatment from him.
Then I called my endocrinologist back to see if they had a definate answer yet about the antibodies. Yep - VERY positive for them, one test was over 300, the other was over 1000!

So I'm not going to get my hopes up - but I did start taking Seleneium - which I've read can help with antibody disorders (a little).

Also, I made an appointment with the OB that I was supposed to see last year - but I decided to see his midwife instead. Well, she retired from OB practice and now only does Paps. So I called to make an appointment with him, asked about IF I get pregnant - can I come in sooner to be checked because of my health probs. She was very nice and said that I could come in if I get a positive test. Otherwise, I have an appointment with the OB on Dec. 5. He is a super specialist - Maternal/Fetal Medicine, OB, Endocrinology, High Risk patients and Ultrasounds.

So - I figure if my other docs haven't figured things out yet - he's probably my last chance.

I have had one symptom though (i had it last cycle too, so I'm sure it means nothing) Tons of CM, and I almost broke down and put on a panty liner, but I didn't end up having one in my purse.

My QOTD is whether or not I should tell my family at t-giving that we have been trying - and about the m/c. I'm still not sure though if that would keep my mom from asking me constantly when I'm going to give her a grandchild - or if it will just make it worse.

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, today is 8dpo. I had a small temp dip on days 6 & 7 - accompanied by spotting (pinkish and only inside).

It was only a tiny bit of spotting, but after my m/c I'm terrified of any kind of spotting - implantation kind or otherwise. There is no spotting today, and I've been using my OTC progesterone cream - so I'm hoping that if this cycle is THE one - that will help.

I will test on Thurday - which will be 12dpo. I was going to wait till 13dpo, but I don't think I'll be able to wait that long.

I've had a bit of tiny cramps in my belly, and other than that - no signs.
BUT, I have had AF as early as 7dpo, and usually it is 9-10dpo. So I shall see what tomorrow holds.

I'm nervous -and excited all the same. But I still feel like it won't happen, so if it does I might just be shocked!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, it's 11dpo - and i got a light positive test yesterday - but the digital was negative, so I went to the RE and had a HCG blood test done - my levels were only 20, but my progesterone is a lot better than when it was with my m/c cycle. It was 22!

I'm excited, but nervous too! I'm not going to post this journal on a pregnancy board yet though, I'm only 3w4d, so I am still early and there is no telling what will happen.

I had to tell my supervisor (principal) at the school I work at because I need to go in for follow up HCG's Friday and Monday morning. But I'm supposed to be teaching from 7:30am till 2:30 pm, and the doc wants my blood by 10am. So I needed to get her permission, and someone to cover my class so I could go get the blood drawn. I haven't told my assistant or my co-worker (social worker) because I don't want them to know until I at least feel like things are more real.

I bought a whole bunch of dollar tests today so I can use em up and make sure I'm seeing darker lines....
I hope this sticks!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So far so good.... I still have no spotting, and my boobs are starting to hurt! I'm so excited - but still SUPER cautious... I didn't even go to the gym to use the treadmill!!!

I will go in first thing tomorrow morning to get another HCG done - and will find out the results of it by the end of the day ---- ((((sticky baby please!))))))

I keep taking HPT's and I actually used 2 today - my clearblue +- was VERY positive, and I used a dollar tree one too, and it was barely a line - I would not have seen it at first if I hadn't taken it apart and held it up to a light - I guess that thsoe ones arene't as sensitive....

Anyway, my cm is a lot more - so I keep running to the bathroom - afraid I'm spotting... and I'm so excited every time that I don't see pink... you can't even imagine how great that feels!

Also - I'm now 13dpo - and I've ALWAYS started bleeding by 14dpo, so I'm really scared for tomorrow to come... I hope that that witch stays far away!

-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is 13dpo... and SO FAR SO GOOD!!! I was so nervous all night that I'd start AF and lose the bean that I barely slept all night.

I took another test this morning and still positive - so that's good. I also had my 2nd HCG done this morning, and i'm anxiously awaiting my results. I'm HOPING for at least 50 - but anything much higher would be Awesome!

I do have really sore nipples today and my boobs are still sore.. I also still have that pressure/pulling feeling in my low tummy - and today something new. My bellybutton was starting to hurt off and on. Don't know as though that's a good thing or not! Biggrin

I'm feeling so positive about this - it is so different than the m/c pregnancy - and if my numbers go up, I'll move over to the pregnancy journals.

I had to tell my pricipal yesterday that I was pregnant and needed to leave in the middle of the morning for bloodwork. She is a wonderful person (but not our other principal -who is useless -i hope she didn't tell her!). So my good principal came into my classroom for the 40 minutes I was gone getting the blood drawn. That makes a total of 2 people that know about this besides you all- DH and her.... I'm really worried about this still and don't want to tell my mom because I think she is almost as excited about me getting pregnant as I am - and If I m/c again, she would be devestated. Also I think she would bug me every day about symptoms....

I think I'll wait till x-mas because I will have had my 8 week u/s and hopefully have a great HB and some u/s to look at.
-Jodi

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

OMG!!!!

I just got called from the RE's office about my bloodwork this morning and my numbers doubled!!!!!

They were 20 on 10dpo and now at 13 dpo they are 100!!!!

:woohoo:

:jumpingbeans:

I'm so excited I can't stand it!

I have my early u/s on December 5th to check for hb.
Then I have my 8week u/s with the OB on Dec. 18th.

I'm so EXCITED!!!!!

-Jodi