This is the first time I've used a journal of any kind since I was probably 14. I don't much like writing, but I've been at this TTC game for about 6 months now - and found that I needed a bit of a break from the regular boards -and wanted somewhere to vent my ideas and emotions.
Here's my history
DH and I got married when I was 19, and just finished my 2nd year of college. We decided that once i graduated - we would TTC after I got my first job. But, 8 months before I was finished with my program (and 4 days before my 21st b-day) I found out that I had a prolactin secreting tumor. It was large and had almost closed off my optic nerves. At this point we had been married for 3 years and I was beginning to get baby fever.
We were not allowed to TTC until my tumor was under control. I had gained about 60 pounds in 4 months and was feeling terrible. At the time I had no health insurance because I got free medical care at the university clinic. But once I was diagnosed with the tumor - I had to see endocrinololgists, neuroopthomologists and have MRI's. None of those things were covered. So I spend all of our savings ($5,000) in medical bills in 2 months. That was money we had saved for our future baby. Then DH's grandfather saved the day by cashing in several stocks to give us nearly $10,000 - that was quickly spent in medical bills. This allowed me not to drop out of school in my last semester. Soon I got a special medical card through the Red Cross - they would help pay for my future appointments with the specialists.
The next year I was still dealing with the tumor - all though it had shrunk- I still needed the medication to maintain my prolactin level. I still did not feel normal. I knew something else was not right. I stayed on my BCP's and we moved away from home - to GA. I taught there for a year - but we hated it even thought it was near my mom.
The next year We moved to VA - not near anyone we knew, but I had a good job offer and thought I might go back to school there for my masters. I saw a doc that was supposed to be a specialist. She confirmed that my tumor was gone. I was so excited about the prospects of finally TTC!
I told DH the good news when i got home from the doctor. He was not excited. He said he had changed his mind - maybe he didn't want kids afterall. It ripped my heart out! We lived our lives for another year. I didnt' bring it up - because he wouldn't talk about it.
I finally got up the nerve to ask him why - and after MANY useless converstaions, a lot of crying and much pleading - I got it out of him. He was afraid for my life. He thought that If I got preganant - my tumor would come back and I might die.
I spent the next 3 years going to this specialist. She would write my DH notes approving TTC -but he still didn't believe her. And I still wasn't feeling %100 normal. So I requested a blood test for thyroid. It came back I needed meds for this too. The specialisat overdosed me -and I got even sicker. I switched doctors after a huge hassle. and began charting my temps. I stopped taking BCP's - mostly because I wanted to be able to see how my hormones were working - and I didn't think those pills were helping.
I charted for a long time - and around month 9 of charting and not being on BCP's - my dh decided that we could use the charting to avoid pregnancy - but was still afraid of my medical condition (even though they were in control).
My new doctor told my DH that it was now or never to TTC - because of my other medical conditions, I would probably go through menopause early.
Through my charting I realized that I had LPD. My cycles were regular - but I always O'd late and only had 9 day LP's. I was worried, and made an appointment to see the RE. The first open appointment was in mid July.
At the 11th month of TTC - and 7 years later.... DH and I finally agreed that now was the perfect time to start TTC. I teach - so if I got pregnant in May or June, My baby would be due in Feb or so. then I could take the rest of the school year off.
We TTC for June, but no luck. In July we TTC and a few days later we left for vacation for the 2ww. When we were driving back home for 2 days I started spotting and knew AF was on the way.
The next day was my RE appt. - so I took a preg. test and it was positive. I was so excited - but scared too because a few hours later, while waiting in the RE's waiting room. I began bleeding....
I finally got into see the RE. They accidentally scheduled me for a 10 minute appt. instead of a 1 hour appt. This meant that I wouldn't get my charts looked at , or any info. Also, they were running an hour behind - and though my appt. was at 3:30, it was 4:40 by the time I finally saw the doctor. As soon as I told him about the BFP - he sent me to the lab and told me I would hear the results tomorrow.
The results were that my HCG was low - only 25. the progesterone was even worse. only 3. He told me it didn't look good, but he wanted to try to save it just in case.
throughout the next 3 weeks I had bloodwork done every other day, progesterone suppositories 2 times a day and a u/s every week.
By the last u/s my gestational sac that was 7mm the week before - had reabsorbed. It was over.
I knew from the first day that I was bleeding that it wouldn't stick. I knew that my March baby (which would have been perfect timing for work) was not to be. I was sad about this of course - but stoic at the same time. I have taken many biology classes - and understand that the human body will get rid of things that are not working right - in an effort to fight off infection. I just had a feeling that this was one of those cases - where it wouldn't have worked anyway. That brought me peace of mind - and knowing that I could get pregnant was great news for me.
My RE told me to avoid getting pregnant the next cycle and to start Clomid to fix the LPD/low progesterone problem. So I sat out for the rest of August and went back to his office on CD4. I got my clomid and started taking it right away.
The hotflashes were terrible - and I wasn't sleeping welll... but I usually don't sleep well, so this was tolorable. The RE told me to expect O around day 14 or 15 - he said the clomid would fix my late O.
On day 17 - there was still no sign of O. I called the RE to make sure my appt. on cd24 was still fine for my progesterone check - seeing that it would be less than 6 days - and they like 7dpo..
It was fine because the next day my VERY negative OPK's and my saliva microscope instantly turned blazing positive. I also got the best CM I've ever had that night.
We had been BDing every day for the last 5 days - so I figured my bases were covered. That day - day18- we didn't BD, but did the next day.
I was so relieved when I finally O'd because I knew that I O'd- but more because my ovaries stopped twinging all day long!
When I was 6dpo - I had my u/s to check my O. I had O'd 2 large eggs and one smaller one. My progesterone was really high - 72.9. I was excited about the possiblity of twins. The RE's nurse was excited too - which helped.
But - all the while, I was hoping, but trying not to get my hopes up. Then things started getting strange. I began to get the tight feeling in my uterus again - like when I was pregnant before. I began getting excited.
Then on 11dpo - I had pink spotting for a few hours. It stopped and I tested - BFN. The next day, the spotting was gone - still BFN. I figured it was too early. So on 14dpo - the longest ever - I still got a BFN - and I called my RE because I had more of that pink spotting - and figured that it was happening again. another m/c .I called the RE and told them I was on 14dpo - and CD32. They wanted me to come in for a HCG test and see if I was pregnant or not -and if not they would start me on provera - so I can start a new cycle - unless AF arrived.
I went to the store and back to work for a few hours after my blood test - then I felt some wetness. Went to the bathroom - red spotting on the tissue. AF had arrived again
No more twins, no more anything - and I knew that the RE would call the next day and tell me what I already assumed - not pregnant - or worse yet, another m/c.
So I drove to the drug store - picked up another month's supply of clomid, more OPK's some EPO, and a huge candy bar (which I never eat junk food). I ate the entire thing on my way back to work - where I ordered more preseed online.
I still have guilt about not BDing the night of my positive OPK - like I vexed it. I had also run out of my prolactin meds about 11dpo - and didn't get them refilled because the RE told me not to take them after a BFP - I was hoping I wouldn't need to get a refill.... After the fact I found out that too high of prolactin can prevent implantation. ... I feel guilty about this too. What if my twins were there - and couldn't implant because of something I did?
The night AF arrived was the night of the local Doula meeting. I'm a doula and was to introduce myself to a group of pregnant mothers - explain what a doula does, and hopefully get hired by someone. But - I was sad - and AF left me grumpy. I held it together for the meeting and no one was the wiser. It was really nice to see others be able to hold on to their babies and prepare for birth - but at the same time I felt jealous - and I didn't want to feel like that.
So after 14 hours out between work, doctor, work, doula meeting, etc. I got home at 9:45pm and told DH that we missed this month too. I asked him how he felt about that - and he just said that he didn't really feel anything because it's not real to him. He also said that he was relieved to know we wouldn't be having twins. When he saw the stash of stuff I bought for the next cycle - he just rolled his eyes and we went to sleep. He is still scared about me getting sick with a pregnancy - but I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
At least this Af is being kind. I only had cramps for an hour - I put an aleve in my pocket just in case - and didn't need it.
At work there are 4 more pregnant women - and on the bulliten board in the teacher's lounge - right outside the staff bathroom door - are all the photos of the beautiful babies of our current and former staff members.
Sigh.... ONe day....
So I've decided not to temp till I have to - probably cd13 or so. and then only temp till I get O confirmed and have my RE appt. again for u/s progesterone at 7dpo. During my 2ww- the plan is to temp every 3rd day or so - and try not to worry. I decided to stay away from the boards for a while - I don't want to have to have mixed feeling about the BFP's. I get so excited about other's announcements - but then feel badly about it later when I get in a pity mood.
I start my next round of clomid tomorrow - hotflashes here we come!
*I guess there is a bit of a silver lining here - I might actually be able to re-paint the crib that my SIL gave us. I want it white. and oneday I intend on using it. I also bought some great orange yarn that is really soft - to make a bay blanket out of. i've decided I'm sick of yellow and pink and blue. I already almost finished knitting a yellow blanket. I don't know why I'll need 2 - maybe I will end up with twins - but if not there are 4 people at work that need a baby gift right?
Well off to the gym to do a few miles on the treadmill and go to pilates. After that I have to go back to work. Tonight is our school's 1st term open house. I'll get home late again tonight. 9:00 probably.
Today is going alright. I forgot my lunch on the counter at home this morning, so after driving 30 minutes to work, I stopped at the gourmet gas station and had them make me a deli sandwich. It was so good!
I took my clomid today - as scheduled, and the hot flashes are starting to come back. My ears feel like they are on fire....
The thing I'm most excited about is that I usually have to work till 4:20 on Thursdays - and then I get stuck behind a school bus all the way home. I live in the country, so they stop at every house as they travel along 18 miles of curvy country roads with no passing zones.
BUT - our faculty meeting was cancelled for today, and since we had to stay at work last night till 8:30, We get to leave when our work is done for the day. I think I'll just walk my class of pre-k out to the bus, and head straight to the car and go to the gym.
OH< I weighed myself yesterday - I lost 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks - I know, not much, but I think it was more because when I weighed myself last time, I was only wearing a swim suit. Yesterday I had on all my clothes and shoes! I still feel just as fat though and my pants seem just as tight - but I'm still excited.
I have to make a pouch sling for my sister's friend. She just had her baby on Sunday. After that I think I'll start sanding down the crib to get it ready to start painting it. Afterall, it's supposed to rain tonight and then it will start getting cold here soon.
Well, i'm glad today is Friday. I feel like I need a weekend. I know it will help pass the time too. I'm at the point where I just wish I were already done with the 2ww - and I was pregnant - but isnt' everyone wishing that?
I saw the woman I work with. She is 15 weeks today (and I found out she is due 2 days from my old EDD with my m/c baby). She is starting to show a lot more lately. Every time I pass her in the hall, I think, someday I'll have a baby bump too.
2nd day of clomid -and I actually have had only 1 minor hot flash all day. Hopefully that means that I won't get too many bad ones this cycle - but I also don't want it to mean that the meds aren't working as well as last time - since I'm on the same dose.
The great news is AF is done and I finished the sling for my sister's friend. I didn't start sanding the crib yet - because I forgot about the special order I have to make. Someone ordered a fleece jacket and some matching fleece overalls for their 5 month old grandson. So I cut that out last night - and I'll make it when I get home from work. ONly one more hour till I get to leave this place. Even though today was a fairly easy day at work, I'm still very ready to go home.
Well another day closer to O. I only have 2 more clomid to take and then the wait begins for the pos. OPK.
I feel good and am surprised that I'm not as tired as I usually am for a Saturday. I work selling my sewing at the farmer's market -and wake at around 5 - then I'm usually ready for a nap by now (1:30)
Today at the market - one of the homebirth midwives approached me. She is doula-ing for a woman who is expecting twins. She will be out of town for a week near the due date, so she asked that I cover for her while she is out of town. I feel that is such an honor. Also, she is going to the MANA conference and wants to bring several of my pouch slings with her to sell there. In some ways I dream of becoming a midwife because birth is so beautiful - and I want every future mom to not be afraid - and have the great experience of a midwife with them. Unfortunatly, ther are very few midwives here.
We have only 5. Only one of them still has hospital privledges. This is because malpractice rates are so high -and it is difficult to find an OB with the willingness to share his practice with a midwife. This is required in my state. So 4 of them are homebirth only. I would LOVE a homebirth - but am not sure if I'd be able to do it. I live 30 minutes from the hospital, and have a thyroid condition. Also, if the clomid gives me twins one day, most homebirth midwives won't do them for twins unless both are head down.
The other great thing is that I usually charge about $350 for doula work, and if I substitute for the midwife, I would make $600!! If it works out that she goes into labor and I get to attend - I will save the $ in a birth fund to use to either do a homebirth or hire this midwife as my doula. She is so great! Any $ that is left over from that will go in to an account to start an education fund for our child.
I feel very positive about this cycle today. I think it helps to not be on the regular boards for a while. I can relax more - and I don't have to temp every day. I actually didn't temp today on time, so adjusted the temps. I probably won't temp at all until cd11 or so.
Later today - lawn mowing and crib sanding. OOOH! I almost forgot, I only have 5 more rows to knit on the baby blanket I've been making. I've sewn about 3 rows each weekend for a year now (ever since we decided to start TTC). I can't believe it is almost finished! It's really pretty. Maybe when it's done, I'll post a photo.
Well, Sunday is almost over - and I feel like I accomplished a lot. It was so relaxing to do some knitting (of my 2nd baby blanket) - and then I went shopping to Lowes to get some gardening stuff. I worked in the yard with DH all afternoon (and the 2 neighbor kids ages 11 & 13). I planted 4 bushes and 12 other plants. I'm very excited to get things done around my house and one day I'll have a nice garden and a beautiful yard.
Well I did finish knitting my first baby blanket. I'm not sure yet if I'll keep it for myself or give it to a friend's baby. Probably keep it, since none of my close friends will ever have children and the others aren't very close friends - more like work aquaintances. I don't think I could part with it.
Here's a pic:
Oh, and a few months ago I made this hooded towel for my cousin - but she had already gotten 6 of them off her registry so I kept it.
One more clomid! and only one more week till I start temping again.
My MIL called today. She is flying in from CHIC. for x-mas. She started telling me how someone in her office just found out she is pregnant - evidently she is already 6 months - and she just didn't know! I so badly want to be able to tell her to expect another grandchild - and give her that info in a box at x-mas. What a fun gift! If it works out this cycle, I'd be about 12 weeks by then.
Well I knew it wouldn't last too long. The hot flashes have been TERRIBLE today! I also think I'm coming down with a UTI - which is so frustrating. I'll have to pick up some cranberry juice on my way home today.
I got my re-order of preseed in the mail - and I ordered a 3 pack. They sent 4 in the box - so great!
anyway, I am hopeful that things work out this cycle. I feel like it's my last chance for 5 months - due to work.
but then again, I just got my paycheck stub in the mail and it says I have 36 accumulated sick days. Which I can use for maternity leave - and get paid. I also can use another 30 days from the sick leave bank.
That would get me almost 3 months off of work - which is better than what I thought I'd get. We will keep trying if this doesn't work, but I'm not sure about upping my clomid. I'm already O'ing and on it I O'd 3 last time. for some reason I didn't catch them, but that's beside the point. I don't want to O five eggs or something like that!
I'm just hoping for the best - and if it works out, announcing it at x-mas. Should be fun!
I had about 6 of them last night alone - and a really terrible one at around 4 this morning. I coulnd't get back to sleep, so around 5 I got up to go to the bathroom. I ended up laying awake until my alarm went off at 6:15.
I have a feeling this day is going to seem long!
Yesterday I was really sore (my legs) from doing a lot of gardening over the weekend, so I skipped out on going to the gym, and instead went shopping. I got some really cute x-mas ornaments that hold small photos. I got 6 of them. Maybe one day I'll get to put a pic of our baby in there and give them to the granparents and aunts& uncles for gifts.
Okay, you caught me, I'm hoping to use them this christmas with u/s pics in there - to give to them (since I'd be about 12 weeks at that point). My family tradition is to open our new ornament on x-mas eve.
I would love to mail them all to the family with those directions - and see who is the first to call! My MIL will be at our house, but everyone else will be at their houses. Should be fun if it works out that way! I think I'll have to find one more somewhere ( bought all they had), but I'll need 4 for the grandparents - and 3 for the aunts & uncles. - so I'm one short.
Now I just have to figure out how to not bleed when I get another BFP. I hope the clomid does the trick long enough to keep my progesterone up this time.