After 10 years of TTC and 4+ here on the TTC boards I know it is time for me to stop!.................. at least for now
After testing this morning I am 99% sure that this IVF has not worked and I need to move on in a new direction.
For me to do this I am going to have to leave the boards. this also means stepping down as moderator on my boards!
Hopefully by the time you read this I will have found a couple of replacements for my main boards
Pregnancy.org has literally been my lifeline since I joined and I honestly dont know if I would have gone as far as I did in my journey if I had not have had this site and the wonderful women I have met on here. I have certainly made many wonderful friends here and some I would consider family and hope to be able to continue those friendships offsite!
Over the next week I will be weaning myself off the boards and taking my time saying goodbye to many of you who are very precious, kind, loving and have been just so supportive that a quick goodbye and departure from this site would be wrong and oh so hard!
Its going to be a hard road for me coming to terms with not having a baby or becoming a mother. I was so sure that I was born to be a mother and now I will most likely not have that chance, nor will I ever hear someone call me mummy! I know its been a long journey and I am so tired and emotionally drained from it all. I also know I am going to need to grieve the life I thought I would have
I think of it like this!
Its like someone you love is dying..... now you know they are sick and are dying and you hope that they get better but when it actually happens and they pass away, you cry and you are sad and agrieved but you dont really deal with it at the time.
Once they are gone and the funeral is over, that is when you start to deal with it and learn to live with them being gone while at the same time being reminded of them at different moments. This is when you cry, This is when you really grieve and come to terms with the fact that you have to realise it. You start to deal with it and move on! It still takes time
I feel it would be like this with my not having children.... I am going through the process now and there is hope while I am still doing the IVF still waiting for official results on monday. I have still been actively trying and I have been succeeding in at least getting pregnant etc.
If I have to stop that will be a part of my life dying and then I am going to cry and be sad when AF arrives. Once that is over and I remember that I am not going to be trying any more that is when I am going to start to deal with it! Everywhere I go I am going to see pregnant women, babies, children and families that will remind me of what I have lost and what I will never have. At the same time I am going to have to come to accept it and try to deal with it and move on to some kind of normal life.
Its not going to be an instant process and part of me may never get over it!
I would do more IVF's but the expense is getting out of control and fees are about to go up yet again. I know its not nearly as expensive as it is in the U.S.A. only about $2500 Australian per cycle and we actually get some of that reimbursed after the cycle is over. Its still a lot to us and if I thought we had more of a chance of staying pregnant I might consider doing more..... or if we came into some money or the clinic offered to treat me for free it would be easier to conitinue to try but this is not going to happen so I have to let it go.
The pain of miscarrying is also taking its toll! each time you think...."is this going to be the one that sticks?" and then its all over and you are left so broken and your heart feels like it has been ripped into a thousand pieces and its bad enough going through it once but after 9 times I am sure the heart in my chest is no longer whole anymore! no matter how much love and support you get nothing can heal you completely after that much heartbreak.
As for alternative ways to parent I know most of you guys are unfamiliar with Australian ways as far as these things go so just an explanation so I dont get messages suggesting them(which i dont mind but having to reply with the same message may get a little hard for me while I am dealing with this so I hope you dont mind)
Donor eggs/embryo's ~ We considered donor eggs and we do have a donor lined up if we did want to try this but for now there are the money concerns I stated above and it would be more expensive to do this as well. Although the donor we have lined up has a history of high good quality egg production and we would be almost guaranteed to have at least a few good frozen cycles to try! It would be our first option but we still dont know why I miscarry and it all might just end in miscarriage after miscarriage.
Surrogacy ~ Surrogacy laws here in australia different in each state and are extremely strict both women(biological mother and also the surrogate) have to be considered infertile.... weird huh? they need to know that the surrogate is not going to end up pregnant with her own baby instead of yours. It is also extremely illegal to pay the surrogate anything. The surrogate must do this as an unselfish act, which usually means it ends up being a family member or close friend that does it! Those are hard to come by.
International Surrogacy ~ This has been done but the fees for us to come to the U.S.A to do this would be about as much, or more, as buying a house and its just unaffordable. We would need everything to be free to acomplish this or to win a huge amount of money.
Local Adoption ~ Adoption here in Australia is virtually impossible, with only about 30 babies Australia wide and most of those going to family members. Not easy and no children for adoption either. No childrens homes or orphanages here at all!
International Adoption ~ This is probably easier than local adoption but still its very regulated and also unfortunately money seems to talk( celebrity status would be great right about now) They only allow a certain amount of couples to adopt from overseas and then only from very few countries and its much harder and more regulated than say if I lived in the U.S.A. Plus there are all sorts of regulations you have to meet when adopting right down to how much the potential parents weigh!
Then there is the cost involved around $50,000 Australian and again that is a lot of money we dont have and then you arent guaranteed a baby/child in the end.
Fostering ~ I would consider this in a heartbeat but it would be very hard for Martin to do this and its marriage first as far as I am concerened!
Maybe he will come around one day! Even if we do something like every second weekend as a relief foster carer or it would have to be long term(as in years not weeks or months) care
So thats about it! I know that reading this back there seem to be a few contradictions with me saying on one hand its time to stop physically, emotionally and financially and then in the next breath say that if I came into money or had the treatment offered for free I would continue I guess TTC is like that in general when you sometimes wonder if its worth it and then you get AF and look forward to the next cycle and have renewed hope!
I also know that my IVF doctor is going to try and talk me into doing another cycle. she seems to bamboozle me whenever I go to see her, telling me I cant give up yet and that its going to work one day. But I am going to try and avoid letting her convince me to do this!
I cant promise I wont come back to TTC again! I am going to commit to me! I am going to make the next 6 months at least all about Cazz. I need to heal, I need to get my body back to doing what it should do on its own! I need to get a natural cycle again! I know that I also need to get fitter and healthier, losing weight would be a bonus but its not going to become my priority as that is when it gets hard for me! I want to be healthy thats my main concern! In doing this I might consider TTC again 6 months, 1 year, 2 years from now.... I guess technically I am still young at 32 but getting pregnant is not going to be my priority and that means forgetting all about it as much as I can and making my life about me and then my marriage!
Please know that I love you guys! I will probably pop in to check on you all occasionally but not 12 times a day like I do now
I will still hope and pray that one day I will get my miracle and that maybe I will be able to come back in a mother capacity.
Love, Kisses and Huge Hugs to you all!
P.S. Anyone who would like to stay in touch can email me on email@example.com or msn message me with the same address
I cant believe that this is the final entry in this journal!
A huge thank you to anyone who read this!
I know I have had a lot of emails and PM's from people over my journey I have seemed to enspire people not to give up and they went on to have beautiful babies or are pregnant! For that I am glad that this journal was there but I know that those people would have gone on if they had not read this journal either!
I do hope that my giving up does not encourage others to do the same! Its just my time to do so. 10 years is a long time!
To Anyone reading this journal!
Never give up until you have exhausted every possability to reach your dream!
Okay so When AF came on the 19th I was all excited to have had a normal length cycle all was good and I was hoping to get back to a relatively normal cycle over the next few months!
When AF lasted only just under 2 days I was like okay maybe after IVF finishing It will take a while to get back into a normal AF as well
3 days later I had spotting
then again 3 days later I had more spotting
Then My lovely husband started to really smell bad!(as he never ever smells at all) Its only happened a few times and that has been when I was pregnant!
On Wednesday I had an appointment to see my IVF doctor to tell her we were taking a 12 month break and I thought okay I will ask her to take some blood tests to check my hormones, I really thought they were out of whack and hoped she had answers and could put me back on metformin or something to balance them out
So Tuesday night just to make sure all was good I took a pregnancy test.
Can you beleive the irony???
To say I was SHOCKED was an understatement and the same went for Martin!
Anyway I called my IVF clinic yesterday and begged them for a blood test as I was seeing my doctor yesterday afternoon so she would have the results by the time I got to my appointment.
HCG was only 22 but as I dont know exactly where I was in my cycle I dont know if its normal or if its going to go the way of all the other pregnancies!
The doctor was also shocked! But she had also noticed my weight loss too and she also said that I looked happier too.
She agreed that a 6 - 12 month break will do me good if this pregnancy doesent work out but has hope!
I was put back on the progesterone and also the heparin but I had also pre-empted this by starting on what I had here at home the night I got the BFP
Of course I am worried I am going to have to have another miscarriage but I know I cant do anything if it happens either!
I only know I am going to try to get to the bottom of this miscarriage thing once and for all and if it does take another year or two I am going to have a baby!
So Please no big congratulations or anything just yet! Im not too excited about any of this yet but I wanted to fill you guys in on whats been happening!
Just thought I would come and update my Journal as I havent been in for a while.
I havent had any more pregnacies though I did get a BFP on a digital in February but the blood test the same day was BFN so I think I either had a chemical pregnancy or a dud test!
In any case the day I got that BFP on the digital we had booked tickets to Europe for November and had decided to not TTC till on the trip itself(could you have imagined the irony if I had of been pregnant)
Anyway DH swore he was not going to come near me till we were on our trip so I actually went to the doctor and got myself on the Pill.
After 10 years of TTC, 10 pregnancies, 10 miscarriages I am on the pill!
I hate that we have stopped but on the flipside I am enjoying the break! I dont want to get pregnant again and again only to lose them over and over again so we are going to talk to our IVF specialist in regards to doing another cycle in the new year using my eggs or using donor eggs! I know we would get a much bigger haul with the donor I have lined up as opposed to the piddly amount and maybe even none I would get with my eggs, which makes me want to go strait for donor! I have absolutely no problems using a donor at all!
Anyway until we go away to Europe in early november we wont be TTC but I will try to just update regularly!
I will succeed in becoming a mother and having babies!