My TTC Journal- after mc
Well i decided that a journal would be a great place for me to post my concerns and emotions. My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. He is 29 and I am 25. We decided to start ttc in April of 2005. I got off bc, after 5 years of use, on April 20th. We then wanted to wait one cycle to get the bc out of my system. So on May 20, I began my af, which began the first month of trying. This cycle was pretty long, but on July 1st I took a hpt and got a postive result. i checked the test three times, and all positive even though very light.
I called the dr and set up my first appointment with him. My first appointment was a week later, which then we decided to wait to tell everyone until we had a confirmation. The first appointment was suppose to be a good one, and so I went by myself- dh had to work. I went and they did a pap smear, blood work, and then since my lmp was in May they believed I was 6 weeks (I only thought 3-4 since long cycle). They did an us believed they saw the beginnings, but warned me that this one may end in mc. They set up another appointment 4 days later, to check my hcg levels again.
My second appointment went about the same as my first. I had to call my mom and tell her, because dh went out of town and I wanted someone there with me. It was not the way I wanted to tell her. We went in and the dr did another us. Said he saw two sacs but they looked irregular, so he believed I was having a mc. I had some brown spotting but no bleeding. They took my hcg and it had raised from 3000-21000, so the dr's wondered.
My third appointment was 2 days later- This one went a little better, since my levels were rising the drs then believed I could be pregnant with twins. Again blood was taken, 39000, and sent home to wait a week to meet with the at risk doctors. My fourth appointment (last) was the following week- the at risk doctors did 2 us, and then we got the dreaded news that the sac was empty. They said it was chromosonal problems, and that we should still have a great pregnancy next time. So we scheduled a d&c for the next day.
My d&c went smoothly. I had started to spot the day before, so to me that was a sign this one was finished. I think the knowing was easier than the emotional rollercoaster I was on. My d&c was two weeks and 4 days ago. I have been bleeding/spotting for the past two weeks, but 3 days ago the spotting stopped, so i am hoping this is a sign that my bleeding is done, and that the cycle is beginning.
I have an appointment in 1-2 weeks as a followup, and there i should find out about not only if everything is ok, but also about the cyst i have. I am going to wait to then to determine if we should ttc next cycle. If everything is ok then we will begin trying after this cycle. If not, then we will follow drs directions. I am hoping that everything is ok and we will begin to ttc in a month or so. :)
I am getting rid of my vip membership to ff, and wanted to save this information for later use- Emily & Clyde- TTC # 1
Stopped BCP's- April 20,05
Cycle # 1- May 20, 05
BFP- July 1, 05
M/C and D&C- July 21-22, 05
Cycle # 2- Sept 20, 05
Cycle # 3- Oct. 28, 05
Cycle # 4- Dec. 5,05- Relaxing cycle
:D Good morning!
Today I am feeling better- Yesterday afternoon I had a breakdown. I know that I am ok but I had one of my down days. Occasionally I get these ever since my mc. I think the thing that started it was I am not bleeding anymore from my Mc- I have had bleeding for the past two weeks, and finally after the past three days no bleeding or discharge. I think to me it feels final, that the pregnancy is finally over.
Anyway I am feeling better- no discharge or bleeding again today. So I am going to go buy a basil thermometer today, so I can start taking my temperature. I am not ttc this month, but would just like to see how my temperature is doing. I still need to make an appointment for a follow up, and then that way we can determine what is up next. Here is to a good day,
Wow- 3 weeks today since my d&c. It feels like forever ago. Anyway today I called my doctor, and set up my follow up appointment for next week. We are suppose to meet so he can check and see if everything is ok, he is also going to check my cyst. I hope everything is ok so we can start ttc next cycle. I will post next week after my appointment.
Today I started temping, so I can get a better understanding of my temperatures. I need to understand my cycle so that it is easier to figure out when I o. I have trouble though because my temps I think are still messed up due to hcg levels from my m/c. The first temp was 98.6, and I think that is to high for testing. But anyway I will continue and hopefully they will drop soon, so I can figure out my cycle. I am scared to test my cervix position and mucus because I am nervous about getting an infection. I will wait until the dr appointment to make sure all is ok before I start that. Here goes to another day!
Tomorrow is the big day- I have my dr appointment tomorrow morning and hope to get the go ahead to ttc. I am a little nervous as I hope everything is ok. I have been cramping today, kinda like o pains. I am hoping that is what it is, but we will see soon. I will post tomorrow once I know the results
Well my appointment was uneventful- yeah that is good for me after all my other bad appointments.
The dr did an internal, which to me was kinda painful. I think I am getting close to ovulating, which will explain to me why it was painful. I got the go ahead to ttc after my af starts, which is good news since I believe it will be in 2 or so weeks. I have an appointment in 4 weeks for a ultrasound for my cyst, which hopefully will be gone by then. So the dr told me to go ahead and ttc, just to make sure I continue to take my prenatals. We also got the go ahead to bd, which will make my dh soooooo happy. :)
But anyway so I am happy that I finally got good news, and now I just have to wait till af comes so I can begin trying again. Lets hope it was as easy as the first time around....
Ugh I am cramping so bad today, I am not sure what it is but my lower abdomen is in pain today. :cry:
I believe I am close to ovulating, my cm is getting heavier and thinner, my cervix is higher, and I am cramping a lot more. :oops: I remember the cycle that I got pregnant, I cramped for a few days before o, so who knows maybe that is what is happening to me. My temp is looking like it could be happening, it is increasing, but could be low again. I guess we will have to wait and see.
It could also be my cyst, which I am not sure is there or not. If it is then I am worried because it is like af pains, which i know shouldn't be coming this early. We will see on that one too. It could also be from my internal yesterday, if so then I do not even want to think about sex.
DH and I are still watching what we do, because if this is my o time then I want to be very careful this time around. I know that this is the time we would have been looking forward to, but I just couldn't imagine getting pregnant this cycle. I want to make sure I give my lining time to grow back before i ttc again. I am also scared to bd, what if it hurts, I know my dh would be careful and if it hurt we would stop but I am still nervous. He was waiting for the go ahead from the dr, and now that we have it he feels better but I am still cautious.
I talked to my neighboor yesterday. She is due in February and starting to show. It is hard to see her since I would have been due in March. She is having her second child, so she is showing early. She will be finding out soon what she is having, and that will be hard to hear about. I guess I will live out her pregnancy with her. She knows about the m/c and is being very supportive. I was too excited to not tell when I found out we would only be a month apart. She was telling me about a friend of hers who had a miscarriage 3 months ago, and is now 8 weeks pregnant. She got pregnant her first cycle. So I am hoping it will be easy to get pregnant, even though i do not want it this cycle...
:( Well i am going to start off by saying this is the hardest post that I am going to write (I hope)
Last night my dh and I were laying in bed talking about our m/c and ttc. I said something about not being in control, and I hated it. He said he didn't want to have two collapsed lungs and things just happen. Then I bought up our m/c, and that I didn't want to lose our baby- (one month mark yesterday). He said well we never did lose a baby- ours was not ever one. :cry: At the time he did not mean it that way, I will explain later in post. He went downstairs, and finally after 5 minutes of thinking about it I went down to talk to him.
I went around the corner and saw him sitting on the couch. I told him that I was upset with him for what he said, and quickly began crying. He jumped off the couch and the look on his face showed me that he too believed we did have a baby, but didn't want to admit it. He held me and we stood there together for about ten minutes. I looked at him and asked if he believed we never had a baby, and he said no. He explained that we never heard a heartbeat so to him it wasn't a baby, but it is still hard for him too. I could tell he was emotional but as with other men, he doesn't do emotions well. After ten minutes I went back upstairs to bed.
It hit me last night that I am tired. I am tired of acting so strong. I have told everyone including myself over and over that I am ok with this m/c. I am not. My heart is breaking, and I do not know what to do. I have been given the go ahead to ttc, but I am not sure I want to right now. I dont think I can do this again. I do not think I have given myself time to grieve, which I need to. I think I am going to stop thinking so much about ttc for the rest of this cycle, and then next cycle we will see what happens. I have decided to not post so much and to relax and grieve over our loss. I will continue to post on here because to me it is a good place to get my emotions out, but not on the other boards as much. I am still going to temp and chart, because when I do start to try I want to be able to look back and see a pattern. We will get pregnant when god is ready for us too. It is all in his hands now...
I am feeling better today- I have to realize that when you recover from m/c you have good days and bad, that will continue for while.
After posting yesterday on both my birth board and my ttc board, I felt better. I got so many sweet and caring replies to my post. I also got a pm from a person who has been following my story, because we have so much in common. Knowing that people who have never met me care so much made me feel better. I also realized that my dh doesn't understand how I feel, and the women here do. I need their support to get through this.
I decided after talking to dh that for the rest of this cycle- not sure how long, I will not temp or chart. This way I will get the chance to grieve and think about the whole process. Then once af comes I can decide what to do. I think we are probably going to try next cycle, just not obsess over it. We will not chart or temp, but will try when we want to. This way if pregnancy occurs then we are meant to, but if not then we know it wasn't time. Then we will become obsessed the following cycle :D
I felt so great this morning getting up and not worrying about temping . It took that stress away, and now I am not worried about what is going on. I know I am near -o-, but am not going to worry about when I am going to start. It will happen when it does. Now i have a few weeks to enjoy this time and to think about what I should do- we will wait and see.
Wow it has been a while since I wrote last. I have been cramping off and on all week, but today I decided to take a OPK. I did and got a +. So it looks like I am in the o stage. i knew it was close, because it always seems for a few days I cramp, and then the day the cramping goes away, I have a lot of cm, but that is the day I o. My body is so wierd. It is like it is telling me to get ready here o comes. I never realized when I was younger what this was, but now I know it is how I handle o.
So even though my cycle looks so long, I do not actually think I am on day 38 today. I started counting the day I had my d&c, but the dr told me I would start 4-6 weeks after I stopped bleeding. I did not stop bleeding for 2 weeks following my m/c. So if you start counting on the day I stopped bleeding that would make today day 23 or 24, and add 14 days to that and there is my cycle of 37-38 days. The cycle before I tried, I started on the 42 day, and the cycle I got pregnant I tested on the 41 day. So maybe they are getting shorter. I do not know :?:
Anyway I am still not trying this cycle, and still not temping, but I did want to know when o came so I could see how long my lp phase is. Everyone talks about the length and that less than 10 days is bad, so I want to see how long mine is. Hopefully it will be 12-14, or longer. We will see in a couple of weeks when I should start my period. YEAH!
I will probably start temping next month so I can have a rough estimate, but I will decide that when AF comes. I am not sure- I still want a baby so bad, but it is still hard to think about ttc again.