Thread: New journal...still ttc#2

Dear boobs,

You think you're funny, don't you? Acting all sore when I'm only 4 dpo. You KNOW how hard I'm trying to RELAX and NOT to obsess over symptoms this month, right? So can you do me a favor and please stop now? 'K thanks, bye.



My temp went back up today, so not sure what that dip was all about yesterday. Way too early to be any kind of implantation dip.

In other news, I think my DD didn't get the memo that washing your hands is different than taking a bath. And can I just say that I think her middle name should have been Molasses? She soaps up (and I do mean SOAPS up, she would use a whole container of liquid soap at one time if I let her), puts it all the way up both arms, cups her hands to let the water fill them up and just sits there with her "full cup" for the longest time, then pours it out, then makes a ring with her finger and thumb and lets the water run through that, and does just about everything you can think of EXCEPT rinse the soap off. I have to literally stand there and coach her on the proper way to rinse ones hands, and to do it quicker than say... oh.. an hour. And she's 4 years old for crying out loud!

And don't even get me started on how long it takes her to get in her car seat. Oh my word. You would think the girl is afraid the thing will bite her when she sits down. I think I finally figured out a way to encourage her to do it quicker, though. I called her Miss Molasses one day recently and she looked at me with her face all scrunched up and said, "I'm not Miss Molasses. I'm Hannah." I said, "Well you're acting like Molasses with how slow you're getting in your seat. Wouldn't you rather be Speedy Gonzalez?" She shook her head "Yes" very feverishly. So I said, "Okay, then show me." So she got back down out of her seat, then got in her seat quickly, almost falling from doing it so fast. "Yaaaaaay!" I celebrated, "Speedy Gonzalez! Woo hoo!" She smiled and seemed to like that nickname much better. So now every time she's getting in her seat, I'll say, "Show me how you can be Speedy Gonzalez." Seems to be working pretty good so far

Haha! I just realized something. DUH! Why not use the Speedy Gonzalez thing when she's washing her hands? Hmmm think I'll give that a try tomorrow.

Hmmm that's odd, I thought for sure I had posted here since 4 dpo. Guess not.

Well the Speedy Gonzalez thing doesn't work quite as well for my DD to wash her hands as it does for her getting in her car seat. I will have to try and think of something else. Singing a song doesn't work, either. She'll either keep repeating it, or stop and keep taking a bath in the sink. Gotta love it. Tonight she decided to also wash her HAIR in the sink. What am I going to do with her.

And by the way, just in case anyone who might be reading this is wondering why my 4-yr old is still in a car seat, lol, it's a convertible car seat, one of the larger ones that can be used as a booster seat. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone envisioning a 4-yr with her legs and arms hanging off a too-small infant car seat. Haha. j/k really, I doubt anyone even noticed that I said "car seat" in conjunction with the fact that I had a ticker that said I had a 4-yr old.

Moving on.

So I have put in a call to the Guinness Book of World Records. I told them how long I've held out before testing this month, and am waiting to hear back. (kidding, by the way, for anyone who didn't realize I was kidding )

And can I just say... go me

I hope to make it a trend. Of course what I really hope is that I won't have to worry about it again for ohhh say another 9 months or so? That sure would be nice

I am supposed to test in the morning, but I am soooo nervous! I don't want to face it if it's a BFN. Sounds irrational, I know, because after all, 11 dpo is still early. But I have seen so many women get at least a faint BFP at 11 dpo that I can't help but expect to see "something" tomorrow. I'm even afraid to take my temp in the morning, because I am afraid my temp will be lower!

I guess I have my hopes up, too, because today I've had some promising symptoms. I've been pretty bloated (more so than the usual PMS), this afternoon my bbs started to get REALLY sore, NO, I mean REEEEALLY sore (reminds me of how they felt when I was pg with my DD), and I've had a VERY strong sense of smell. And then tonight, just a little while ago, I started to feel pretty nauseous.

But maybe all those are just wishful-thinking, psychosomatic symptoms? Now I'm afraid of the symptoms! LOL. They can't be for real. They just can't.

Can I just fast-forward to five days past when AF was due and test then? ~Siiiigh~ Guess not, huh? Too bad I'm not the type of person who has no problem waiting that long. Well, at least I have a dollar store test as well as a FRER, so I can use the dollar store test first and if it's bfn, then I won't waste the FRER.

I'm just so nervous!

I don't want to talk about it. I just can't.

Okay I'll talk about it. That's what journals are for, right? To get things off your chest?

So anyway, the short version of the story is that I wound up with yet another DSD (dollar store dud). Had me convinced I had a +hpt, got excited and everything. I even thought the FRER I used at the same time had a super faint line on it, but now I know it's because I thought the DS hpt was +, so I think my brain "drew" a line on the FRER Not two hours after what I thought was a + DS hpt, I went to use the bathroom and discovered that I had just started heavy spotting! It was so heavy that it looked like the beginning of a light flow. So then I was thinking, "Implantation bleeding, maybe? It could happen at 12 dpo, right? Especially since I have never had such heavy spotting at 12 dpo."

But that's not all! There's more! The DS hpts were not done with this gullible girl yet. No siree. The next morning, THIS morning, I took another DS hpt, and lo and behold a nice, obvious line was starting to appear... so I whipped out another FRER and dipped it in the pee. Then I looked at the DS hpt again, and the line had begun to fade! I was like, "Wait! Come back! What are you doing?!" Then I watched the FRER, just STARED at it, WILLING it to give me a line, but it laughed at me with its blank space. So I went into the cabinet and got out the DS hpt from the day before (you know, the one that was supposed to be a +?), and alas, after the ink had dried overnight and the truth came out, it was a bonified INK SMEAR! The line was even crooked now, which proved it wasn't real. <--(That's me arguing with the hpts)

Needless to say, Dollar Store hpts are now BANNED from ever entering my house again!

Me and them apparently do NOT get along. They do not like me. They looooove taunting me with their evil 'fake' lines and evaps.

So FRERs and Answer brand hpts it shall be from now on. Which are more expensive, of course, but maybe it will keep me from testing so much? Maybe?


I couldn't help but think today... as hard of a time as I've had with ttc#2, am I just banging my head against a wall here? It sure feels like it. Am I even supposed to be expecting a second child? I mean, it's been an uphill battle for over two years now, coming up on three years in May. Should I just count my losses and be happy with the one beautiful daughter that I have?

I can't help but be a little sad when I see those I've been on the ttc boards with come back around to ttc their 2nd and 3rd child. I can't imagine what it's like for those who are still ttc their first. *Hugs to all of you out there*

At any rate, the spotting has continued today, and my temp was lower, so I am fully expecting AF to show tomorrow. I am debating what to do next month. I am done with temping and opks for now (except I might temp one more time tomorrow). Maybe I'll just check CM this next month and still actively ttc... or maybe I'll forget all of it and JLIH. We'll see how I feel once AF is over.

So... my temp went back up this morning, but I just kind of laughed at it. Not gonna fall for that one. I did test again this afternoon "just in case" since AF had not officially shown yet and the spotting at one point had stopped altogether, but as I expected, BFN. So glad I'm not using dollar store hpts anymore. It was an Answer brand and it was VERY CLEARLY BFN. No doubt about it. Thank you, Answer brand for giving me a clear "answer"!

Now, of course it would have been even nicer to have the "other" answer, but... well... at least I have an answer.

So now I'm waiting for AF to show her slow self. Is she taking lessons from my DD? Because I had some red spotting come back, and then even more red on the TP, thought for sure she was starting then, but when I went to the bathroom again later, no'p. Come onnnnnn, let's get this party started already! I'm ready to move on.

I think I've decided to JLIH next month, and check CM only so I'll at least have some idea of when I ovulated and therefore when to expect AF.

I have to wonder if I'll be able to resist picking up that thermometer at least once in awhile, though.

AF finally showed tonight. Still very light, but technically it's a "red flow" so... I guess she's here. Phew. Finally I feel like I can move on.

So I am seriously toying with the thought of making the "just let it happen" thing this month a more permanent thing. Which for us would mean nearly the same thing as preventing, since we have to put in 'extra effor't 99% of the time in order for insemination to happen.

Am I giving up? I don't know. I think part of it might be that I'm not a young chicken anymore and lately my body is doing things that worry me. I have just not felt normal for awhile now. It has me concerned, and has spurred me on to lose the extra weight once and for all, to get healthy, and to get in top shape.

And part of me is also just wanting to let go of wanting another child. The thought of going through another pregnancy and the months of sleepless nights appeals to me less and less these days. I am reminded of that every time my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night, or worse, like the night before last when she decided that going to sleep at 8:30pm was just a nap, and that Midnight to 3:30 a.m. would be a good time to stay awake and play. She wound up in our bed, which meant my DH wound up in her bed (long story, don't ask), and then at 6:30 a.m. she had the gall to announce to me that the sun was up and that it was morning time. To which I responded in my sleep-deprived state, "I don't care if the sun is up. I'm going back to sleep." Then I laid there with my eyes closed and couldn't. Then I looked over at her and she was back asleep.

So anyway, yah. I think I might be done trying. At least for now. And if I decide in the end to make this a 'permanent' decision, then I don't see any point in using any kind of birth control, since we really have our own built-in birth control if we just don't put in any 'extra effort." And that way, there will still be that little window open, just in case the Good Lord decides to bless our time of BD and we get that miracle. And if He does, I won't complain. I'll just have to suck it up and deal with how my body handles the pregnancy, and the months of sleepless nights.

In other news, I started a new Blog today. I figure it will help me stay on track with losing weight and getting healthy. I have never been more motivated to do that than I am now. I want to feel normal again. To have more energy and more stamina, and be able to do more. To know that I've done everything I can do to make my body stronger and give myself a chance to enjoy life and have fewer health problems. I'm also thinking of starting a Blog for getting my house thoroughly cleaned, de-cluttered, and organized. I've gotten quite far behind on that, and it's time I dealt with it. Now is a great time to start, since I am losing the ttc obsession this month.

The "Just letting it happen" thing has been nice so far this month. It's so much easier not to obsess when I'm not taking my temp every day.

I think I am leaning back in the direction of not making JLIH a permanent thing, though. Someone asked me recently if I was "at peace" with not having any more children and when she put it that way, it made me stop and think. Could I really be at peace with it? I couldn't say yes, so I decided to think about it for a few days. So far I am finding just the opposite. That I am anything BUT at peace with it. I went lurking on one of the birth boards the other day and when I went to look on the "Spaces" thread where all the BFPs, pregnant belly shots, and ultrasounds were located, my heart ACHED for another child. Then today in the grocery store I saw this cute little baby boy and my heart just melted, and something inside me came alive, and I just knew the whole idea I've been toying with lately of no longer trying just wasn't going to fly.

So why do I still have no desire to try right now? Maybe I just need a month off.

In other news, my DD the comedian was at it again today. I decided last night that she needed some new underwear and some camis, so today I went to Walmart to get some. While I was picking them out, she spotted the girls' bras, and exclaimed, "Booby bras! I want this one!" And took one with a frog print off the rack and showed it to me and started to put it in the cart. I laughed and explained that she was too young for that and didn't need it right now, then showed her what I would buy for her (the camis). She seemed satisfied with that. Such a silly girl.

DH has been working on trying to put in a new kitchen sink for me. He's been building it all himself, so it's been a work in progress. Today he cut the marble stone to put on top of the sink base and glued it down and it's drying now. I can't wait! The current sink is way too small and the surface on one side is scratched up terribly.

Ok off to do some reading in my book now. I am currently reading, Safe Haven, by Nicholas Sparks. It's been pretty good so far.

*Break out the popcorn, this is going to be one of my longer posts*

My DH surprised me this past Saturday. As usual, despite much effort the 'natural' way, we weren't able to seal the deal, and like all the other times this month, I didn't really feel like putting in any "extra" effort, so I was just going to let it go, despite knowing that I would probably be O'ing soon since my body signs were showing it. But DH had other plans. This time HE was the one who initiated wanting to put in the extra effort, and when he wanted to, it encouraged me to want to, so I did. It was so nice to see DH initiate it for a change.

I wonder if him seeing me hold a four-month-old baby at a birthday party recently had anything to do with it? He was giving me that "look," after all

Anyway, after we did the necessary deed to seal the deal, I talked to him and he admitted to really wanting another child. Finally, he admitted it. He hasn't said much about it up to now, other than, "If it happens, it happens. If not, then okay." He still says he's okay with either outcome. I wish I was that laid back about it. I am more so than I was before, but it's more because I'm just exhausted with the whole thing than anything else and don't feel like fighting the fight anymore.

I felt a little encouraged that we at least had a chance this month, and then was curious to find out exactly how close to O our "seal the deal" BD was. I had 2 opks on hand, plus 4 digital opks I had received for free from a friend, but didn't want to use the digitals until I got a + on the other kind of opk (By the way, who decided we would call ovulation predictor tests "OPKs," anyway? OPK stands for ovulation predictor kit. LOL. A kit is a box of several tests, not an individual test. That has been bugging me, haha.) Anywho. So the second day I tested, which was Sunday morning, I got the +. (Forgot to confirm with the digital before pouring out the pee, though...oh well.) I was so relieved, because when I had gone to buy some OPKs, *er, um...ovulation tests* at the dollar store, the two I had bought were the only two left on the shelf! All the rest were hpts (which I squinted my eyes and growled at, lol. If you've read my recent posts, you know exactly why ). So I asked the cashier about it and she said the two tests in my hand were the very last of the ovulation tests, and that they would no longer be carrying them, and I already knew that the only other dollar store in town where you could get ovulation tests no longer carried them, either. So that was that. Either one of those two ovulation tests would give me a +, or I would have to A) Buy an actual OPK; i.e., Ovulation Kit; i.e., put out more moolah, or B) Not worry about it and just wait to see if AF showed by CD 32 or 33. Thankfully, it worked out. The first dollar store ovulation test showed the kind of line that you knew was "headed for a +", and I wanted to test again that night so badly, but made myself wait until the next morning, and that's when I got the blazing + Phew.

I hoped that we would get another chance to "seal the deal" before or on the day of O, but refused to stress or even worry about it, which is a good thing, because it didn't happen.

So that's where it's at. If those bald-headed, one-legged swimmers were feeling extra spunky that day and decided to hang out for a couple days, then maybe there's a chance...


As for me getting healthy, losing weight, getting in shape, and all that jazz this month, all I can say is... HA! It seems just the opposite happened. Though I've done some better, I don't seem to stay consistent and I'm right back to eating like crud and not exercising like I should. I'm not sure exactly what is going on with me. So hope I can get a handle on it.

I have to say, though, since taking fish oil capsules and prenatals every day again, I have felt so much better. What a relief.

I also picked up temping again to confirm O. A lot of good it has done so far, because without the pre-O temps, it's hard to tell if I'm getting a good temp rise or not. I had O pains the same day as the + ovulation test (late that night) and none since, but I'm still just going to assume I o'd the day after the +. After a few more temps I'll be able to confirm O for sure (just not the exact day, only an estimate based on the +OT).

"Symptoms" so far: 0-1 DPO or 1-2 DPO ~ BLOATED. I'm sure I've been bloated before around O time, I just don't remember being this bloated and not this constantly.

Well surprise surprise, I had more o pain two nights ago, and this time it was VERY intense, so there was NO question I was o'ing. And sure enough, the next morning (yesterday morning) I had a nice temp jump. So I changed my o day from Mon to Tues. It's kind of unusual for me to o as late as 48 hrs after a +opk (I give up, I'm going to keep calling them opks, too, since we all in the ttc world know what we really mean, lol), but there's a first time for everything I guess.

Interesting that I also had o pain the same day as the +opk, though (it just wasn't as intense). Either it was A) Egg #1 and Tues was Egg #2... or B) My ovary was just hurting in anticipation of o'ing. I tend to think it was the latter, and that being the case, our chances definitely went down being that I didn't o until 3 days after BD. I was kind of hoping we'd be able to BD Wed morning, but when I woke up, DH was getting up to go get ready for work. Oh well, not gonna sweat it.

All day yesterday I was bloated again, and then last night I went pee like ten times in an hour. I am not kidding you. Now granted, I drank 3 glasses of water between after dinner and bedtime, but it was spread out. Who knows what that was all about.


In other news, I have started to do better again with my diet and exercise. I weighed myself and it was not pretty, so figured I'd better stop messing around with something as important as my health. I decided to start counting calories again, which is the only thing that has worked for me other than an Overeater's Anonymous group I was involved with years ago. Though I did lose the weight, it was only because I had a sponsor who told me what to eat and how much and I couldn't vary from that at all. I wasn't allowed ANY sweets AT ALL. EVER. I also was not allowed ANY snacks in-between meals, whether I was stomach-growling-gnaw-someone's-foot-off-hungry or not. I was miserable and irritable most of the time and hungry a LOT. One time at a family holiday dinner, someone spilled their drink all over my plate, and I was so angry and in tears. I had brought that food with me and it was all I was allowed, so then I had to try and figure out what to substitute it with, given the foods that were available there. Then one time I got sick with the flu and had bad diarrhea, to the point that I was sooo weak, and all I felt like eating was soup, so I called my sponsor (which you had to do if you wanted to vary from the diet) and she asked me why I wanted soup. Umm, because I was deathly sick? She said No, that I couldn't have soup, because it would tempt me to veer off the diet, but that I needed to have a couple of scrambled eggs instead. Seriously? Eggs when you're that sick? Um, GAG. I don't think so! So basically I ignored her and had the soup and it didn't hurt my diet one.little.bit. After that, I decided the OE program wasn't for me. I did gain the weight back over time, but I think it's more because I felt like I had busted out of jail and finally felt free again to eat whatever I wanted, lol.

So anyway, I am going to have to learn to live with less food, period. Over time I will get used to it, I just have to bite the bullet in the meantime. I also started running again in intervals yesterday, if you can call it running. My legs felt so heavy that it felt like I had weights inside my legs, and bet I was quite the sight to watch. I probably looked like an elephant.

Today I want to start the Jillian workout again. It's so sad that I was up to Level 2 awhile back and doing so great, only to fall off the wagon after getting sick and allowing myself to get out of shape again. Oh well, at least it will be fun having Hannah doing it with me. She LOVES the "Jelly" workout, as she calls it.