My DH and I have been together for 1 yr-3mo and he is an absolute angel. We met at work 5 years ago and still work at the same company (different departments). After we were married we decided right away we wanted babies and babies are what we got...just not exactly how we expected.
We tried for about 2 months with no result so I quit smoking b/c my doctor said it would help me get preggo faster. The next month we also used an ovulation kit and I thought it was really weird that I ovulated for 4 days that month. But...whatever, I thought I was doing the test wrong.
In November '05 I took a pregnancy test and WE WERE PREGNANT !! On December 14th I had my first DR. appt as a pregnant woman. I was so excited and so nervous, especially when the DR. wanted to do an u/s at only 8 wks. My husband rushed over because he was worried, but my DR said it was just his standard practice to do an u/s right away. That was one of the most incredible days of my life. That was the day we found out we had twins !!!
The rest of my pregnancy went pretty much by the book. My DR. was super careful and liked to do tons of ultrasounds. My due date was 7/26/06, but my OBGYN said he would take them by C-section probably on 7/4/06 or 7/12/06. The only thing that was bothering me was the HORRIBLE all-day sickness and a pain I started to have after the first tri-mester after I ate. This pain ended up being my gall bladder, but we never had to deal with that.
On February 22nd 2006 we found out that we were carrying twin boys. I had been extremely busy and stressed at work the entire month so I was overjoyed, but exhausted after being poked and proded. DH called everyone he had ever met in his life to tell them the good news. I have never seen him so happy !! Everything looked great and both babies were developing right on track.
My next appt was on March 15th. The Doc said I looked great, but he wanted to schedule an u/s of my gallbladder b/c it was getting really painful. That night I starting spotting - a light peach color. So light I didn't really think anything of it. Friday morning at 3am I woke up and it was bright pink. The ON-CALL DR told me to rest and call him in the morning since I didn't have any cramping. The next morning I went in and my DR was off, but the nurse got me into an u/s. One baby's fluid was a lot lower than the other, but nothing to be alarmed about. But, my cervix had shortened so I was having contractions. I was put on bedrest over the weekend w/ an appt with my regular DR for Monday.
I went into labor Saturday night despite the bedrest and had the boys on Sunday, March 19th at 1:04 am and 1:22 am. They were 21.5 weeks, 14 oz. It absolutely breaks my heart, but I am thankful that we got to spend time with them and at least have those memories. They were a miracle from the very start and continue to be a miracle to me now.
Of course after that, the placentas were sent off for testing, I opted to do genetic testing and my OBGYN referred me to a Perinatolgist. The end result is that there is no reason, everything should have been fine. Both DR. said that unfortunately this thing just happens with some twin pregnancies.
During the course of my "maternity/grieving" leave from work I stumbled across this website. I was typing in "perinatologist" trying to research what kind of a DR. I was going to be meeting with before my appt. And I stumbled onto someone's journal from here. And I was hooked.
Well it's been 4 months now and although it hurts still, my DH and I want to try again. We want little brothers or sisters for our angels up in heaven. And I know it's going to be hard but I know we want it more than we fear doing it...if that makes any sense at all.
So here I am ....after reading and reading and reading I have finally joined. And I know I probably should have posted on the Grieving site too or first, I'm not sure. But I'm hoping for a positive pregnancy test on Tuesday, AUGUST 2nd so I started here instead.
UGH !! I just know I'm going to start. I felt great all day and wasn't feeling any cramps....and NOW I have that bloated, heavy, crampy about to start feeling. I know exactly what will happen. I will wake up in the morning and there it will be. I'm not trying to be negative, I can just tell.
I'm going to cry.
There were three girls at work that were all pregnant the same time as me and two of them had their babies over the weekend. The other girl is scheduled to be induced this week. I'm so happy for them and I'm glad that their beautiful babies are here. But it also reminds me of what my husband and I have lost.
I just don't understand any of this. I don't understand why people that want babies so badly have to go through this.
On top of it all, my mother-in-law is driving me INSANE !! She is a super sweet lady, but so over-bearing and uncouth (sp?). Everytime she's around she brings up some random person that DH and I don't know and tells us about their family. Tonight her story was about some girl that has 4 children and 1 on the way. And DH and I just look at each other like "Great for them, why are you telling us". As I'm sitting in the recliner wishing I would not start, cramping and hearing about the people all around me that are having babies. She drives me nuts.
I'm trying to stay positive and think that if it doesn't happen this time, then it just means we get to try again. And I realize that we've only tried two times since the boys were born. UGH !!! All I can do is wait I guess.
Well, still no period. But I am having some minor cramping. I don't know if it could really be considered cramping or just an uncomfortable feeling. I tested this morning and got a BFN. So, I'm guessing this is just going to be a weird one and it will probably come tomorrow. We'll see....
I will say that yesterday morning started out a little rocky for me. Someone at work sent me pics of a newborn baby girl and I kind of lost it for about 30 minutes. Then I regrouped and focused on work to get through the rest of the morning. It's really hard interviewing people and trying to be "peppy" when all you can think about is babies, babies, babies, babies.
Anway, my day became SO much brighter when the Croc Flops that I ordered for me and DH came in. I LOVE THEM. In fact I have them on right now !! THey are even more comfortable than my regular Crocs.
DH was so wonderful today. When I got home he had a FANTASTIC dinner cooked and ready to go. I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. He's my big teddy bear.
* Starbucks White Chocolate Mochas
* My husbands hands
* The smell of fresh cut grass
* Picking blackberries around my house w/ DH.
* My neice and nephew's laughter
* CROC flops
* The smell of coconut
* Driving our new boat
* When my DH turns off the alarm clock in the AM to give me "10 more minutes"
* Sunshine !!
* Jogging (very slow jogging) in the rain.
* The smell in the air right before a thunderstorm.
* The sound of rain hitting our chimney.
* DH's blue, blue eyes
* Crisp, cold, clean bedsheets.
* My yellow lab Morgan and my jack russell Bandit
* Blue skies with big puffy white clouds that remind me of my boys....
I'm exhausted and have a TERRIBLE migraine, but I'm still going to try to type some.
Today was great until about noon when AF arrived. UGH !! I handled it fine until my interviews were over and then I wanted to break down. I had a Department Head meeting from 4-5pm and we were discussing the plans for an upcoming company wide meeting. It made me a little sad because the last meeting I went to was before I found out the babies' were boys. The whole time we were giving our input I was thinking about how happy I was then. Sometimes I wonder who that "happy" person even was.
Anyway, I cried the whole way home. I just threw myself a little pity party and cried for like an hour when I got home too. When DH got home he could tell I had been crying and said "You started huh". He's so positive though, he said "Well that means we get to try again." I told him I would try for one more cycle and then I'm taking a break. So if it doesn't happen in August, I'm going to wait until my January cycle. Mainly because trying in October/November would be too close to the same pregnancy calendar as my twin babes. I don't think I could mentally handle that since everything reminds me of their sweet faces as it is.
Now I have a killer migraine from crying so much, so I guess I'll go to bed.
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY !!! I am going to wake up and focus on the positives in my life.
Geez La WEEZ it's been a long time since I've typed in here. Things have been so crazy busy this month. I've been slammed during the week at work and slammed with family events on the weekends.
I just got home from our semi-annual company wide meeting. There is nothing like standing up in front of 200 people in a formal gown giving a presentation (I'm being sarcastic). But it was really fun and I think all the employees - including myself had a really great time. Plus my husband won a bunch of awards and that always makes me happy .
On the TTC front....I ovulated last week. I don't know what is really going on with how I ovulate. I mean per the Answer ovulation kit thing, I started ovulating on Tuesday and continued to ovulate through today. I mean that's just NOT freakin' possible. When I told one woman (not an OBGYN, but a family practitioner) she was like...that's not possible. I just don't understand how I could be doing it wrong though. I buy the monthly ovulation kit and start testing after my first period. For the first 7 days nothing....and then it's like double line for days. Crazy. And it happens like this every other cycle. I was assuming that was the way Jon and I ended up with the twin boys, but now I just think I've got to be doing something wrong. Plus if that were the case, you would think I'd be preggo by now.
Long story short...DH and I have been "workin' on it" about every other day since Tuesday. We gave up on the every day stuff. I actually felt bad for him at one point because it's like he has to perform on demand. Anyway we'll see..... I guess next Thursday 8/31 I'll test.
I have a good feeling about this time, but you never know. I will say that I have been happier this month than I have been in a long time (starting after I accepted that AF came on 8/3). I don't know if it's that all the other preggo girls from work are on leave or what, but I feel like I'm starting to get back to normal. I still think about my sweet babies everyday but it's getting better.
My bad days are getting fewer and fewer now. So fingers crossed, even if I'm not pregnant this go around, I'll continue to have a positive attitude.
Whew today was busy busy busy. Actually the next couple of weeks I'm going to be slammed at work. But that will probably be a good thing.
Something so awesome happened on Saturday night. DH and I went to our company summer party and they were giving out an award there. You had to be nominated for the award for helping out customers and helping out co-workers...kind of like "going above and beyond" things. The prize was either a trip for 4 to DisneyWorld or a trip for two on a cruise. WELL...DH WON !!! How insane is that. He was so shocked and choked up. They asked him to make a speech and he couldn't because it had caught him so off guard. And believe me...DH is never at a lack of words. OH it was so sweet. I got a little teary myself. Anyway, he's so genuinely excited, he's like a little kid. We went to Disney on our honeymoon and had the most amazing time, so we may go around our anniversary in April '07. But...that kind of depends on how we end up on the TTC front.
AF is due to grace me with her presence on Thursday. I'm going to wait until that morning to test. I will MAKE myself wait until then. I have to, have to have to have to have to WAIT !! First and foremost because DH and I are going on vacation in 2 weeks and we need to save money. Also, because I think I torture myself more when I test every day. We'll see if I make it.
oooh....DH just called.......I'll be back.............
Okay, so didn't get to post anymore last night b/c DH came home w/ some gossip from work. He's watching the Three Stooges right now, so I figure I can use this as an opportunity to type.
I bought two pregancy tests today. Actually it was a one test box w/ "EXTRA BONUS TEST" included. Anyway, I may break down and test in the morning. If I do, DH will get pissed...unless of course it's BFP....and then he'll be happy. But in previous months he gets upset if I test a lot. His philosophy is to wait it out and just see if AF shows up. I'm not that patient. Plus I have to get that shot b/c my blood type is O- and I want to get it done as soon as possible. I will say that today I had some HORRIBLE indigestion and I'm hoping that's a sign.
Tomorrow I have an appt. with my therapist. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met. I swear she is an angel on earth. I cannot wait to go see her. DH and I are supposed to go together, but he can't leave work so I'm going solo. Which is fine with me. I love talking to her. When I leave I feel so light and full of sunshine. It's like she zaps all the bad, negative things away. She also analyzes dreams, which I think is so cool. She is a Sister (nun), but in a very unconventional, doesn't wear a habit type of way (unconventional to me anyway). Actually that's why I was thinking about testing tomorrow morning. If I get a BFN, at least I'll be able to talk it over with her....If I get a BFP, she is the only one that DH and I are going to share it with at first so it would be perfect timing.
I feel so positive about this time, I don't know why. Being realistic...because I've felt so positive...if I'm not I'll probably be devasted.
AND IT'S A BFP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
I am so excited! And DH is about to bust.
But, I'm a little dissapointed because I called the OBGYN practice that I had went to with my boys and the nurse was a little unhelpful. First she told me that my old OBGYN wasn't delivering babies anymore. This I knew, but after I delivered the boys he said he would see me once when I first got pregnant again and then he would refer me to another OB in the practice. Well...it took her 2 hours to call me back and say OK, he said to schedule you in. Then I asked her TWICE about the RhoGam shot and she never figured out if I needed one immediately...so I asked to speak to the Dr's nurse (who had lost 2 babies and helped me a lot) and she's not there anymore. They transfer me to the new nurse's voicemail. I leave a message and she never calls me back. I think I don't need to take the shot until 28 weeks, but I'm not sure. I'm calling back tomorrow to verify. I don't care if I'm bugging them or not.
I'm going to test again in the morning...just to make sure. The line was light pink, but very much there. I just want to be certain. I'm going to still hang out here (if no one minds) until I have a confirmed pregnancy through the OB office.
My first appt is on September 26th when I'm 8 weeks. Per the nurses, my due date is May 10, 2007. Fingers crossed...I'll make it all the way to the end. I already figured up the 22 week mark (that's when I lost my sweet boys) and it's in January. Whew .... long time away....
please please please God let everything work out this time !