Journaling is very therapeutic to me, and lately I have found myself really needing and outlet where I can share my thoughts in a semi, yet not totally private way. I have been itching to write in my myspace journal about this for a few weeks now, so I just had to come here because I really couldn't take it any longer. I need to express myself and this is the perfect place. No one here is going to judge me or call me a nut (...aren't we all a little bit?) or make me feel uncomfortable for being totally honest here. Not that I really care what people think, but with all the stress of trying to concieve in and of itself, the last thing I need is people making me feel insecure about the whole thing.
I already made the mistake of blabbing to a few girls at work that Matt had told me that he wanted to start to TTC. I am just one of those people that is HORRIBLE with surprises and secrets. I get way overly anxious and excited about the tiniest little thing, and even at the hint of something going wrong I start to sense disaster and impending doom. This pretty much drives my dh Matt nuts! I can't honestly say I blame him, and to tell the truth I don't think I knew I really had this problem until he pointed it out to me...now I really notice that I am that way. Maybe that is why he and I compliment each other so well...he really does his best to keep me grounded, and I try to show him that it's ok to be excited and act like a kid sometimes when you are happy.
So since this is my first post here I guess I will give some background info. Matt told me he wanted to start trying to have a baby on Christmas day. Part of me thinks this was really true at the time, and part of me thinks that it was quick thinking on his part to make up for the fact that he didn't buy me a Christmas present! (oops!). Either way, he has stuck with his guns about it. When he told me I didn't realize what a big deal it would be to me, and I started to basically bawl in his arms. I have never cried happy tears like this before. Since that day we have been TTC, and I have been studying and reading up on what I need to do to increase our chances. That is how I found pregnancy.org...honestly without this website I would still be in the dark about charting and I wouldn't be near as keen to check the signs of my cycle.
Charting started really rough for me...I started temping right before I Ovulated so I really wasn't too sure if I did everything right...my CM was fertile for like a whole week before, so pinpointing ovulation was kind of hard. We BD'd a lot though, so I am hoping we might get a BFP this month, but I kind of doubt it. I have a lot of PCOS symptoms and I am worried that I might have it. I bought some OPK's and those things have had me so confused! I was positive for days with them, and this was after my supposed temp shift. I just don't know what to think about that.
What I DO know is that I am probably going to be really paranoid in my 2ww and think I am pregnant...but what's kind of funny is that before we were TTC, I ALWAYS thought I was pregnant before I had AF each month. I guess because I figured that my cycle should be 28 days, and I'd always get a little worked up by day 30....since my cycle is 32-35 days. haha. You'd think by now at least I'd know better!
I think I O'd 2-3 days ago, and it's probably just because I think that that I am starting to feel some strange symptoms. Yesterday I noticed my breasts were fuller and slightly tender...and my nipples were a little bit sore. Today at work I noticed I had a heightened sense of smell..it wasn't subtle either! I swear I could smell EVERYONE who came up to my window. ( I work as a bank teller) Around 10pm tonight I felt a strong but brief ache in lower center abdomen, probably 3 inches above pubic area...slightly to the left but more center than left. Let's hope these are all signs of my baby coming in 9 months!!! If not...well
So I am looking at my chart today and I am starting to finally see some consistancies. I think I really do believe that I O'd now and that I should stop freaking out about not ovulating...This is my first month to chart so seeing that I was one of the ones who didn't O until later in my cycle kind of tripped me out a little bit. However as an extra precaution because I have been gaining a lot of weight lately and it is kind of unexplainable, I started taking cinnamon pills. It's just 500mg of cinnamon in a capsule really. It is supposed to make you metabolize glucose up to 20x's faster. I figure even if I am not PCOS or diabetic, it will still help me metabolize sugars faster, which might make losing weight a little easier. I also bought a men's fertility blend from GNC for Matt to take, it has selenium and zinc and some other good stuff in it. He better actually take it!!! I am still wondering why my LH Surge lasted for so freaking long though....4 days? That seems ridiculously long. Though the last one was debatable...I wasn't really sure if it was a + or -, but compared to the next one I did it looked +. So now that I am officially obsessed, just like I said I didn't want to be....well...I guess it was pretty inevitable. I knew if I started charting I would become obsessed. I don't even have to set an alarm anymore...my body wakes me up at 5:45 every morning now. When I am work, it's on my mind...when I come home, I find myself hopping on pregnancy.org, and googling things constantly...baby furniture and room ideas, names, early pregnancy symptoms...you name it! Yet I can't really talk to anyone. My DH thinks I'm crazy already, and the second I mentioned wanting to have a kid to people at work all they do is tell me I'm crazy or stupid. They are my age, but they are not married, and none of them are as financially well off as I am. Just because THEY can't handle children doesn't mean I can't or don't want to. I hate when other people try to change my mind about something or make me feel wrong or like I don't know what I am talking about just because I want something that they don't.
I think if I get a BFN this month that AF will be late. I hope I get a BFP though!
Well...I actually began to will myself to believe I was pregnant for a few days. Deep down I think I know better, my intuition is way better than that, and I haven't truly *known* that I was. I am 85% sure that when I am that I will just KNOW. However, it's been really easy for me to fall into the trap of just misconstruing every possible symptom that I feel as a pregnancy symptom. Funny though, most early pregnancy symptoms are also things I feel the week before my period. *sigh* Oh well. A week ago I just didn't know what I was going to do with myself if I didn't get pregnant right away. Now I think I am ok with the fact that it just might not happen this month. Patience is a virtue of which I have very little of, but I am learning every day that things happen when they do for a reason, and that there is no way I can really rush a thing like getting pregnant. It will happen in it's own time. Tonight I went to the dollar store and bought about 8 pregnancy tests...just to have around...just in case I am wrong, and my period is late. Hell, my period is ALWAYS late. Almost every month the "Am I pregnant?" question passes through my mind...this was before I was even trying. It will happen within the next few months, I know it.
So tonight I went and drove by a house we are looking at. It isn't what I first thought I wanted...it's an older house...but in a really nice and well kept up neighborhood. The advantage with this house is that we can actually buy it instead of just renting. It's appraised at $210,000, and it's about 3000 square feet. I don't normally like many older houses, but this one is on a cul de sac, and it's got tons of huge trees around it. It's one of those slanty roof late 70's style houses...with the wood and brick...but its really modern and nice on the inside and has a nice sized backyard. It belongs to my DH's boss right now so we are going to buy it directly from him if we buy it. Our other option right now is to rent a newer home, but the newer homes are not in neighborhoods as nice, as strange as that sounds.
Well. My intuition sucks! But that's ok because I AM PREGNANT!!!! I got my BFP on Friday and I have just been overwhelmed with it all since then! I am sooo happy! Friday night I started cramping, and Saturday I got motion sick on the way to work! I'm so glad I'm having more symptoms! It really helps it sink in that I am in fact pregnant! I am due October 9th! Guess this might be my last post here, I will open up my blog for comments now if anyone else wants to post. And I will move over to the pregnancy blogs if anyone cares to keep reading about my journey!