Journaling is very therapeutic to me, and lately I have found myself really needing and outlet where I can share my thoughts in a semi, yet not totally private way. I have been itching to write in my myspace journal about this for a few weeks now, so I just had to come here because I really couldn't take it any longer. I need to express myself and this is the perfect place. No one here is going to judge me or call me a nut (...aren't we all a little bit?) or make me feel uncomfortable for being totally honest here. Not that I really care what people think, but with all the stress of trying to concieve in and of itself, the last thing I need is people making me feel insecure about the whole thing.
I already made the mistake of blabbing to a few girls at work that Matt had told me that he wanted to start to TTC. I am just one of those people that is HORRIBLE with surprises and secrets. I get way overly anxious and excited about the tiniest little thing, and even at the hint of something going wrong I start to sense disaster and impending doom. This pretty much drives my dh Matt nuts! I can't honestly say I blame him, and to tell the truth I don't think I knew I really had this problem until he pointed it out to me...now I really notice that I am that way. Maybe that is why he and I compliment each other so well...he really does his best to keep me grounded, and I try to show him that it's ok to be excited and act like a kid sometimes when you are happy.
So since this is my first post here I guess I will give some background info. Matt told me he wanted to start trying to have a baby on Christmas day. Part of me thinks this was really true at the time, and part of me thinks that it was quick thinking on his part to make up for the fact that he didn't buy me a Christmas present! (oops!). Either way, he has stuck with his guns about it. When he told me I didn't realize what a big deal it would be to me, and I started to basically bawl in his arms. I have never cried happy tears like this before. Since that day we have been TTC, and I have been studying and reading up on what I need to do to increase our chances. That is how I found pregnancy.org...honestly without this website I would still be in the dark about charting and I wouldn't be near as keen to check the signs of my cycle.
Charting started really rough for me...I started temping right before I Ovulated so I really wasn't too sure if I did everything right...my CM was fertile for like a whole week before, so pinpointing ovulation was kind of hard. We BD'd a lot though, so I am hoping we might get a BFP this month, but I kind of doubt it. I have a lot of PCOS symptoms and I am worried that I might have it. I bought some OPK's and those things have had me so confused! I was positive for days with them, and this was after my supposed temp shift. I just don't know what to think about that.
What I DO know is that I am probably going to be really paranoid in my 2ww and think I am pregnant...but what's kind of funny is that before we were TTC, I ALWAYS thought I was pregnant before I had AF each month. I guess because I figured that my cycle should be 28 days, and I'd always get a little worked up by day 30....since my cycle is 32-35 days. haha. You'd think by now at least I'd know better!
I think I O'd 2-3 days ago, and it's probably just because I think that that I am starting to feel some strange symptoms. Yesterday I noticed my breasts were fuller and slightly tender...and my nipples were a little bit sore. Today at work I noticed I had a heightened sense of smell..it wasn't subtle either! I swear I could smell EVERYONE who came up to my window. ( I work as a bank teller) Around 10pm tonight I felt a strong but brief ache in lower center abdomen, probably 3 inches above pubic area...slightly to the left but more center than left. Let's hope these are all signs of my baby coming in 9 months!!! If not...well