I think it's time to move my journal. I am 11 DPO and got a BFN this morning!! Yes, I know, not out til the witch shows but I'm not feeling it. I "think" my cervix is low and soft too and I've been have slight AF type cramping at night....normal thing for me a couple days prior to AF. So I wait. I cried to DH last night. I feel broken. I know I'm not the only one who's been through this before but it hurts....you feel defeated and like I said, broken. He says, like always, then we'll try next month and every month after til a bellybean stick and becomes our child. I love him. He lets me show him my chart, despite being clueless about it, he analysis my OPKs, even though I can see question marks behind his eyes and he doesn't allow me to give up!!! He a wonderful father to his first two, I am going to be honored to be the mother of his last.
Okay, mush over.....
On a different note, my Dad, whom I have off and on contact with (one main reason why I keep Facebook) calls me Sunday and says he might have cancer. My mom died almost eleven years ago from cancer (they divorced when I was four). Despite my rocky relationship with my father, I cried. He's my Dad, nothing will ever change that. My son knows him as Grandpa P and never met my mother. I hope for a positive outcome of this. Planning a trip out in July unless otherwise needed. Please keep him in your thoughts!!
My son is making progress. Not liking this new ADHD medicine we switched to. So I guess we decide to either try something else or up the dosage. All I know is he's smart as a whip when he can just focus.
Got a new puppy! Crazy....YES!! We have two older cocker spaniels who are deaf and one rotten young cat. So we add a mixed westie/ dachshund to pack. So there is Sadie (13), Ginger (12), Hermione (about 8 months) and now Dobby (9 weeks). She's got ears like an elf and the pouch tummy like an elf...house elf she is, so the name Dobby!!!
Back to TTC....if this isn't 'the month'...we try for January. Only downfall...stepson's b-day. January 13th. Also my Dad's birthday. Also my possible due date. Oh well, what's another birthday!!!!! It's a beautiful child we'll be bringing into this world!! I just want us to be parents of our own!!! I don't think I'm asking too much.
The journal has moved and I hope my visit is brief :-)
So the witch showed. Of course. The one month I am really wanting a baby and she shows instead! So onto 2012!! I would have an interesting EDD though. Drum roll please....1/13/12......okay, to most that isn't a big deal but that day is my stepson's birthday and my Dad's birthday...and it falls on a Friday!!! Overall it would be special mostly for my Dad. He was just diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer at a stage four possible. I lost my Mom almost 11 years ago to cancer. A little worrisome for me and my sister, hoping it's not hereditary. It just sucks.
More drama on the ex-wife front. She has a lot to learn in regards to co-parenting. Have you thought for yourself much??? The hardest part is watching my husband get so upset with her. This is why I do not like this woman...she makes him suffer. All he wants is more time with his kids!!!! Stop making it about your time *****, you have a lot, all he wants is an extra night here and there...and you want us to give up our holidays for that. Dream on woman!!!!
So I'm looking forward to a month long with my stepchildren!! I can't wait to put our fun together!!! I am so glad I get this opportunity to be home. My DH works hard to support us and let me pursue my dream!!!
So the sex begins soon, hehe. That's my weapon this month!! Lots and lots of sex!!
CD7.....the dancing began last night. I love how my husband portrays himself as tired and then makes our baby dancing 'hot'. Love this man!!! I need to remember to start temping again...I like my break during AF.
Looking forward to a family weekend!!! I love when all five of us are together...going to make our rounds at the Hubby's family 'compound'. Love them!!!
Around four weeks of school left!! Summer 2012 here I come!!! And I am hoping to be pregnant and able to enjoy the summer comfortably unlike my last pregnancy almost nine years ago!!!
Oh...hubby wanted to see me blonde; it's not perfect but this man helped me put the color on my hair!! Have I said lately how much I love this man?! Okay, yes I have but I now believe in true love because of him and he's the love of my life!!!
I am 5DPO...YES!!! So the dreaded wait begins!!!! This wait on top of many finals and tests ahead of me has me stressed and busy!! I try to remind myself that once school is done, I am free till the Fall semester....only to start obsessing about my 2ww....hoping to be pregnant this fall!! EEEKKKK!! Saturday is my goal on taking my first HPT!! Let's see if I can make it that far!!
Great past weekend with friends and family. We actually enjoyed two night without any children and got in plenty of adult time. Love moments like these, but I certainly missed my kiddos. Full house this weekend.......Mommy just might abandon Dad to go study and leave him in charge......wonder what troubles they will get into!
Come on bellybean....please attach and stick (if fertilized)!! It's so funny...my son is always asking if we are going to be having another baby (he remembers the pregnancy before the miscarriage) and wanted to give advice on names. He found out we already have names picked out for a boy and a girl.....
He wasn't to pleased...he wanted Claudia (which I think might be a second choice) or Fred (not a choice at all). I think August is my second choice.
Enough baby talk....back to Anatomy.
I'm sure as you can tell, I am not pregnant. My bright side of thinking...my cycle extended a few days and my period is FINALLY a period. My IUD messed up my lining. So onto a possible February baby.
Finals this week, hubby out of town, and Mother's Day of studying. Looking forward to getting my house back in order and preparing for the summer. I can't wait to spend it with my kiddos.
Wish I had more to say....Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and soon to be mothers! You make the world what it is today. Thank you for all you do!!
CD 20....no temping this month, just used my last OPKs and went by CM. I do not have high hopes....probably a good thing. Has been determined I have low grade dysplasia...wait three months to be tested again and hope for no growth or it's gone away. It won't interfere with TTC so for now we are basically NTNP. I am sure I'll mentally keep track of my ovulation days in my head and BD more around that time.....and just enjoy my time off.
Yep, school is done!!! It's time to play now...oh and catch up on housework. DH will be happy....but it tends to get boring around here....oldest son is still in school and the step-kiddos are stuck in daycare. June 24th they are here for one month, minus one weekend they will be at their mothers (who is still a crazy *****). It will be a fun summer!! Until then I have Sims 3 keeping me busy and I'll be hitting the library for some books!!!
Another one bites the dust.....
Oh well, what's another month right??!!
So I made a really yummy dairy free, egg free, nut free cake for my now 3 year old step daughter Sunday!! It was SO good and moist! I need to get back into my recipes and making things from scratch. I'll have the kids help me this summer and we'll try to make a lot of yummy dairy free things.
Oh and we got a little pop up pool for the backyard. It's a little over 2 ft deep and about 12 ft wide (round)....small filter and just enough room for the kids to have a blast this summer in it.
Until O time!!!
I just wanna quit.......
My due date is rolling around and I was hoping to be pregnant before this day arrived! Someone I know who had a miscarriage around the same time as myself, just found out she is having a boy.......I cried. I am so happy for her, but what about me?!
And I am so tired of hearing "it will happen"..."stop worrying, give it time"....I could go on and on.........I wanna scream, I wanna quit..........this brings up "angry" inside me towards certain people. This journey is just breaking my heart.....
Pity party for one..........I just need time.......so please leave me alone and stop with your stupid advice!!!!!!!!
I know what you are going through because I am going through the same feelings myself. I love your journal!! I just want to say thanks for being so honest and allowing others to see your REAL thoughts and feelings.
As for the TTC--- well I wont give you advice, I am in the same boat.
I will give you some insight as to what helps me though-- take- it or leave- it.
In the times that you feel like the heart ache and stress is just too much and you want to give up-- think about why you are really putting yourself through all of this.
You have a love and passion for children, that is a gift many do not have. Also, you have a husband that loves you and your child-- it is only natural to want to have a child with him.
BUT waiting is hard and lossing a baby or even having a Neg really sucks. I understand this first hand.
Just know that you are not alone in this journey and that, like you, so many of us ACHE inside for a child.
Keep trying-- remember the blessings you have now that you will be bringing a new life into.
If only you knew me on the inside........
Outside is so pretty and put together....happy and healthy......outgoing and friendly (expect to the ex-wife)..........
If only you knew me on the inside........