Our first child together

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Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37
Our first child together

My son is eight. He is the only person who defines me!! Now I am ready to let that happen again!

On my second marriage.....sad, but true. Life is a book full of chapters....this is my newest chapter, after an 11 year marriage. I do look back and think, WTF, but love was an idea then...no regrets, we have a wonderful son and I've moved on.

I've moved on to my current life with the man of my dreams. Funny thing is, this man wasn't what I was "looking" for. We all think we have a "type" right? Well he's far from it....and so glad for that. We met and married within three months, and yes, it's been a roller coaster ride, but I'd ride it again as long as he was by my side.

We became step parents....a role I took for granted. My stepmom made it look so easy...... it's not......but I wanna be like her. My mom left this earth in 2000....two years before my son was born....way too early in life.....I needed a role model. My stepmom was one from afar. I love you Dawn.

Moving on, we have 3 kids now....ages 8, 5, and 2 1/2. As you can assume, the last two are his. Beautiful children......handful all together but I seek out the days we have them all together.

So my pregnancy journey....IUD removed the end of last August, was going in for back surgery and lo and behold, I find out I'm pregnant. Put the surgery on hold and look forward to a DD of 6/6/11. 7 weeks into I start to bleed....doctor takes a peek and what do I see through my tears, a heartbeat!! He puts me on bed rest and progesterone.....only to lose the heartbeat a week later :angel11: I had a D&C the next day.

Now it's 1/12/11 and I find myself pregnant again....planned, mostly.....and scared. My first appointment is tomorrow, I do not expect much except my blood drawn and maybe a feel inside. My DD is 9/19/11, 13 days after my son turn 9!!

I'm trying not to worry....I've never gone through a lose before the one in October...I would love an explanation, but I'll settle for another chance.

Thanks for reading,

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37
First Appointmant

Wasn't expecting an ultrasound, I said more than once, I know I am really early....just wanted my blookwork done to see my progesterone level. Hoping no news is good news!

He saw a collection of fluid he said could possible be the baby....also noticed a cyst on my right ovary...didn't seem too concerned.....so now I wait.....

January 25th at 8:30am is my next apppointment...come on baby, grow baby grow.....get nice a snug in my uterus and I promise to take good care of you!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37
I can whine if I want to!

Warning....TMI and whiney post ahead!!

So I was arguing with hubby and grocery shopping alone....go home and the cramping began. I lay down and cry. DH has been a great support, we finished watch It's Complicated as I sucked down water to stop the cramps. I started dinner, tearing up throughout, then I wiped.....brown spotting, just a little, but enough to make me think this is the beginning of the end. I cried off and on as DH keeps telling me not to worry. Cramping stops and my pad shows barely brown spotting.

This morning I wake up to the same kind of spotting but no cramps, I feel like I've lost my soreness in my boobs...the one sign I use for pregnancy. So I guess I wait. I was pregnant nine years ago....could it be my age? Heck, I'm only 33. Ok, ok...I'm whining. I need to think positive. School starts tomorrow, that oughta keep me busy; I work all weekend....fun, fun, on my feet all day in the ER registering sick people. Wait, it's positive talk....DH and I are planning a vacation during the kids' spring break...without the kids. Maybe a cruise to Brazil...tour Europe....hit the beaches of the Turks. It will be fun to plan it, whatever we do!!

No matter the outcome, I'm still young, have the best husband, the greatest son and two wonderful stepchildren. Now I'll click my heels and say that three times Wink

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

Turns out it was a chemical pregnancy....my numbers were barely over 55 at like four weeks and when I started spotting, I can only assume that was period.

Decided to keep on truckin'.....is it possible to pregnant the very next cycle? My ****s fertile....at least this is what I've been told.

Maybe a Valentine's Day BFP?!

Until then, four days of missed school due to winter weather....have done nothing but entertain children and veg.....should study for my two test this week....but planning a vaca during spring break is much more fun!

On another note, my son has caused some stress into the family...being recently diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, we have a lot on our hands.....started Metadate this weekend......it's been a long road of tests and therapy......will probably never end, but hopefully this will start with a little relief for him.......

Go Packers!! I love Sundays!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37
Valentines BFP???

Did I say a Valentine's BFP? How about Feburary 11th Biggrin So my FRER had a light second line this morning!! Many emotions come to mind....but first I have to get thru three test next week, haha. My husband laughs at me and kisses my cheek and says "please stop worrying, we'll have a baby eventually". Why didn't I think of that? Wink

October 24, 2011....that's the date I'm working towards!!

Now to decide.....when to call the doctor and what doctor to call? I am thinking about switching OBs. I like mine right now, I started going to him when I found out I was pregnant in September...but I'm just not feeling it. I have my old OB who put my IUD in one year after my son was born and removed it last August....his office is more personable but not close to hubby's work. Decisions, decisions!!!!

So I guess my weekend will be consumed with the life science, a night out with the husband and friends, and no alcohol Sad but so worth it!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!! Tell someone you love them, even if it's just yourself!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

My son is the funniest...to bad he looks like his Dad, haha.

So I have decided to wait til next week to call my dr. Hopefully by then my numbers will have gone up and no chemical/mc this time!!!

Only symptom is slight tenderness in my boobs...anything else and I'd be normal Wink I want to have positive thoughts on this bellybean but for now, kind words and gentle strokes on the face from the hubby will have to do!!

On another note, two test today kicked my a$$. I studied more for one than the other and it will show. Man it's been a long time since I've been in college! Let you know the outcome soon!!

Loving this weather and my life. Now stick bellybean, like you've never sticked before!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

It's time for a break. One month only, I want a Christmas baby!!

So yep, Not pregnant.

We used a condom for the first time in who knows how long!! I'm on CD9 and I think I'm ovulating. Enjoying my wine every night!!

Dropped a class....relief!!

California in two weeks!!!

Umm....I love my husband....I love my son.....I love my step-children........my life is nothing to complain about........so I need to stop stressing about TTCing. Cycle eight will be OUR cycle!!


Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37
WARNING....vent ahead that might make a few unhappy

You've been warned. I am about to vent about a certain thing that some might be sensitive to. My disclaimer is that it is not directed to anyone...its just a feeling I am having right now....so......

Why, oh why....do those with more than one child (ie at least three or more) start complaining after a few months of TTCing that it's "frustrating" to conceive to the point that they are ready to see an RE.........HELLO, I am on cycle 7, trying for baby two and I know it's not time to see a specialist.......oh and throw in there two miscarriages!!!! So many women are impatient these days......I get that it's easy to obsess about TTCing, but geez, there has to be a line!!! It just irritates me when people just need to relax........YES, easier said than done, I know, but you aren't the only person in this world who has tried to get pregnant.

Stop testing every five minutes, numbers double within 48 hrs, you aren't going to see much overnight!!!

For those that are going through a long journey of TTC....I admire you! Strength, patience, the ability to not give up, etc.......I cheer you on every chance I get!!

And to those that only take a few cycles to get pregnant......I envy you......You will make a wonderful mother and I love hearing about it......just PLEASE consider others.....we cheer your BFP always and you do the same for us......but it stings just a little each time someone makes it look "easy".

For the most part, we each will get our "turn", no matter how long, how hard, or even how we try!!!! I am not bashing anyone, just tough sometimes and I needed to vent!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

So I have discovered something.....my husband's ex wife is a jealous, petty *****. Well, let me correct myself....I knew this from day one of meeting DH, but she has taken it to a new level. See, I met my husband in December 2009, before his divorce was final......we fell in love quickly and madly and married March 28, 2010......his divorce was finalized February 4, 2010.....So yes we moved fast, but I wouldn't change it for anything and this man is mine forever.....anyways. Seems after DH "informed" her of me, I have been the topic of many threads on her "playgroup" forum. Here is the funny part....it's a private forum....and yet I know all that was said......seems she has no problem using my name AND my sons name all over her post....on top of calling me a few names. This is why I refuse to have ANY relationship with her!!! I get the venting part.....and of course all her forum buddies are going to pat her head in sympathy as she plays this victum she is so FOND of doing. But respect who you are venting about (my son, who she has no relationship with, has been mentioned by name and age more than once, and that pisses me off!!!!) .......I guess I see venting via internet much different than she does. I come to this board for this journal only. I have "attempted" to join a board, but I hardly post and mostly lurk....so I do not make much effort. So if I vent, I avoid names and specifics as much as possible.......we are all women, we all can relate, but I do not need someone to tell me how much of a bad person the ex is and call her names.....I can do that just fine in my head!!!

Needless to say, if I could confront her on this, I would, but I like my inside sources and plan on keeping it that way!!!

My attempt at temping is sorta going okay.....not sure how much I can keep up with this, but if it gets me to a specialist faster if our TTC journey takes longer, then so be.

Dropping my class has helped so much, got an A on my Anatomy Test, one of four people in class.....treated myself to an chocolate shake from QT. Now two test next week and then Spring Break.....San Fran, Tahoe, skiing, and spending time with family!!! Can't wait!!!!

Wondering if I should move my journal?

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

CD7.....let the madness begin!! Ordered some OPks and I am going to attempt my hand at that......

Finishing up our vaca, it rained the whole time and even snowed a few times.....love it and I wish I could live here.......but Texas is our home for now.....but the moment the almost three year old dsd graduates, we will uproot and adventure somewhere else, hopefully outside this country!

Test on Tuesday.....just started studying today......may not do as well as I did before spring break....aced all my test except one.....but got an A on the hardest one!!!

I am so ready to be pregnant!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

I think it's time to move my journal. I am 11 DPO and got a BFN this morning!! Yes, I know, not out til the witch shows but I'm not feeling it. I "think" my cervix is low and soft too and I've been have slight AF type cramping at night....normal thing for me a couple days prior to AF. So I wait. I cried to DH last night. I feel broken. I know I'm not the only one who's been through this before but it hurts....you feel defeated and like I said, broken. He says, like always, then we'll try next month and every month after til a bellybean stick and becomes our child. I love him. He lets me show him my chart, despite being clueless about it, he analysis my OPKs, even though I can see question marks behind his eyes and he doesn't allow me to give up!!! He a wonderful father to his first two, I am going to be honored to be the mother of his last.

Okay, mush over.....

On a different note, my Dad, whom I have off and on contact with (one main reason why I keep Facebook) calls me Sunday and says he might have cancer. My mom died almost eleven years ago from cancer (they divorced when I was four). Despite my rocky relationship with my father, I cried. He's my Dad, nothing will ever change that. My son knows him as Grandpa P and never met my mother. I hope for a positive outcome of this. Planning a trip out in July unless otherwise needed. Please keep him in your thoughts!!

My son is making progress. Not liking this new ADHD medicine we switched to. So I guess we decide to either try something else or up the dosage. All I know is he's smart as a whip when he can just focus.

Got a new puppy! Crazy....YES!! We have two older cocker spaniels who are deaf and one rotten young cat. So we add a mixed westie/ dachshund to pack. So there is Sadie (13), Ginger (12), Hermione (about 8 months) and now Dobby (9 weeks). She's got ears like an elf and the pouch tummy like an elf...house elf she is, so the name Dobby!!!

Back to TTC....if this isn't 'the month'...we try for January. Only downfall...stepson's b-day. January 13th. Also my Dad's birthday. Also my possible due date. Oh well, what's another birthday!!!!! It's a beautiful child we'll be bringing into this world!! I just want us to be parents of our own!!! I don't think I'm asking too much.

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

The journal has moved and I hope my visit is brief Smile

So the witch showed. Of course. The one month I am really wanting a baby and she shows instead! So onto 2012!! I would have an interesting EDD though. Drum roll please....1/13/12......okay, to most that isn't a big deal but that day is my stepson's birthday and my Dad's birthday...and it falls on a Friday!!! Overall it would be special mostly for my Dad. He was just diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer at a stage four possible. I lost my Mom almost 11 years ago to cancer. A little worrisome for me and my sister, hoping it's not hereditary. It just sucks.

More drama on the ex-wife front. She has a lot to learn in regards to co-parenting. Have you thought for yourself much??? The hardest part is watching my husband get so upset with her. This is why I do not like this woman...she makes him suffer. All he wants is more time with his kids!!!! Stop making it about your time *****, you have a lot, all he wants is an extra night here and there...and you want us to give up our holidays for that. Dream on woman!!!!

So I'm looking forward to a month long with my stepchildren!! I can't wait to put our fun together!!! I am so glad I get this opportunity to be home. My DH works hard to support us and let me pursue my dream!!!

So the sex begins soon, hehe. That's my weapon this month!! Lots and lots of sex!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

CD7.....the dancing began last night. I love how my husband portrays himself as tired and then makes our baby dancing 'hot'. Love this man!!! I need to remember to start temping again...I like my break during AF.

Looking forward to a family weekend!!! I love when all five of us are together...going to make our rounds at the Hubby's family 'compound'. Love them!!!

Around four weeks of school left!! Summer 2012 here I come!!! And I am hoping to be pregnant and able to enjoy the summer comfortably unlike my last pregnancy almost nine years ago!!!

Oh...hubby wanted to see me blonde; it's not perfect but this man helped me put the color on my hair!! Have I said lately how much I love this man?! Okay, yes I have but I now believe in true love because of him and he's the love of my life!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

I am 5DPO...YES!!! So the dreaded wait begins!!!! This wait on top of many finals and tests ahead of me has me stressed and busy!! I try to remind myself that once school is done, I am free till the Fall semester....only to start obsessing about my 2ww....hoping to be pregnant this fall!! EEEKKKK!! Saturday is my goal on taking my first HPT!! Let's see if I can make it that far!!

Great past weekend with friends and family. We actually enjoyed two night without any children and got in plenty of adult time. Love moments like these, but I certainly missed my kiddos. Full house this weekend.......Mommy just might abandon Dad to go study and leave him in charge......wonder what troubles they will get into!

Come on bellybean....please attach and stick (if fertilized)!! It's so funny...my son is always asking if we are going to be having another baby (he remembers the pregnancy before the miscarriage) and wanted to give advice on names. He found out we already have names picked out for a boy and a girl.....

Eleanor Joy
Jack Coy

He wasn't to pleased...he wanted Claudia (which I think might be a second choice) or Fred (not a choice at all). I think August is my second choice.

Enough baby talk....back to Anatomy.

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

I'm sure as you can tell, I am not pregnant. My bright side of thinking...my cycle extended a few days and my period is FINALLY a period. My IUD messed up my lining. So onto a possible February baby.

Finals this week, hubby out of town, and Mother's Day of studying. Looking forward to getting my house back in order and preparing for the summer. I can't wait to spend it with my kiddos.

Wish I had more to say....Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and soon to be mothers! You make the world what it is today. Thank you for all you do!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

CD 20....no temping this month, just used my last OPKs and went by CM. I do not have high hopes....probably a good thing. Has been determined I have low grade dysplasia...wait three months to be tested again and hope for no growth or it's gone away. It won't interfere with TTC so for now we are basically NTNP. I am sure I'll mentally keep track of my ovulation days in my head and BD more around that time.....and just enjoy my time off.

Yep, school is done!!! It's time to play now...oh and catch up on housework. DH will be happy....but it tends to get boring around here....oldest son is still in school and the step-kiddos are stuck in daycare. June 24th they are here for one month, minus one weekend they will be at their mothers (who is still a crazy *****). It will be a fun summer!! Until then I have Sims 3 keeping me busy and I'll be hitting the library for some books!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

Another one bites the dust.....

Oh well, what's another month right??!!

So I made a really yummy dairy free, egg free, nut free cake for my now 3 year old step daughter Sunday!! It was SO good and moist! I need to get back into my recipes and making things from scratch. I'll have the kids help me this summer and we'll try to make a lot of yummy dairy free things.

Oh and we got a little pop up pool for the backyard. It's a little over 2 ft deep and about 12 ft wide (round)....small filter and just enough room for the kids to have a blast this summer in it.

Until O time!!!

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

I just wanna quit.......

My due date is rolling around and I was hoping to be pregnant before this day arrived! Someone I know who had a miscarriage around the same time as myself, just found out she is having a boy.......I cried. I am so happy for her, but what about me?!

And I am so tired of hearing "it will happen"..."stop worrying, give it time"....I could go on and on.........I wanna scream, I wanna quit..........this brings up "angry" inside me towards certain people. This journey is just breaking my heart.....

Pity party for one..........I just need time.......so please leave me alone and stop with your stupid advice!!!!!!!!

Joined: 06/07/11
Posts: 2
I Know!!

I know what you are going through because I am going through the same feelings myself. I love your journal!! I just want to say thanks for being so honest and allowing others to see your REAL thoughts and feelings.

As for the TTC--- well I wont give you advice, I am in the same boat.

I will give you some insight as to what helps me though-- take- it or leave- it.

In the times that you feel like the heart ache and stress is just too much and you want to give up-- think about why you are really putting yourself through all of this.
You have a love and passion for children, that is a gift many do not have. Also, you have a husband that loves you and your child-- it is only natural to want to have a child with him.
BUT waiting is hard and lossing a baby or even having a Neg really sucks. I understand this first hand.

Just know that you are not alone in this journey and that, like you, so many of us ACHE inside for a child.

Keep trying-- remember the blessings you have now that you will be bringing a new life into.

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

If only you knew me on the inside........

Outside is so pretty and put together....happy and healthy......outgoing and friendly (expect to the ex-wife)..........

If only you knew me on the inside........

Joined: 01/07/11
Posts: 37

Today is August 16, 2011......we have been NTNP for about three months now.....a year of abnormal paps, but I refuse a "testing" of a section of my uterus led us to just trying to relax!!!! And relax we did.....we have had such an awesome summer....a little in debt, but SO worth it!!!!!!

My period started 7/26/11.....our BD has been lacking yet relaxing!!!! But "Shut the front door"....look what I just got......

That's right......a BFP!!!!!!! Let me say that again so I can hear myself say/type it....a BFP!!!!!!!!!

HOLY CRAP.......I am pregnant.......sticky or not (YES I want it to stick but it shows I can get pregnant...still).....I am PREGNANT!!!!!!!! All the stress and tears.....all the huffs and puffs from posting from pregnant facebook friends........I am pregnant!!!!

I wasn't going to tell hubby.........I had a doctor's appointment next Tuesday for another follow up pap........was going to have them confirm it....but he asked if I wanted a beer last night......if I said no, he'd think I was going crazy!!! So I let the cat out of the bag.......he is as shocked as me.........we both aren't getting our hopes to high YET....but (and I am sorry to say this again) I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!

So now I wait till Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!