Okay weird- I thought I had posted at least one other journal update, but it's not showing up. So either my computer/internet screwed up or I was just thinking about posting and never actually did. Either one is a definite possibility!
Well I guess there was an up side to having horrible cramps this cycle- they only lasted one day instead of the three or so I usually get. Trade off, I guess.
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not to chart or JLIH. I'm really more of a JLIH kind of a girl, and I think I mentioned that I started temping and it made me absolutely crazy, so I should probably just forget about it and let things take their natural course. But I can't decide.
Today is another rough teething day for my poor little one. Someone remind me why I want to do this all over again? I feel so badly for her, but the nonstop screaming is starting to get to me. I've done everything I can think of, but nothing is helping. Well, Tylenol helps for a little while, then it's back to the screaming. She was like this with her other set of molars as well. All four of them came in at the same time. I hope that's what's happening this time. At least then we'll be finished!
Anyway, just trying to be patient waiting through this last cycle before we really start TTC! How crazy is that?!
AF is gone (yay!) and DH and I are discussing whether we should start trying this month, or next month as planned. I'm voting for next month but he's totally excited about another baby and wants to start trying now. I think it's so sweet that he's so excited and wants to start trying earlier, but we already moved it up one month (the original plan was January) and I just don't feel right about moving it up again. I'm a planner, and I have things I want to do to prepare before we start trying. I want to have another month on prenatal vitamins first, and I want to work on my weight a little bit more. I'm in a pretty good place with my weight, but in the last two weeks I gained 1 1/2 lb and I'd like to get rid of that (and maybe a little more) before getting pregnant. Prior to gaining the 1 1/2 lb I had been back at the weight I was before getting pregnant with Catie, and while I'd love to be about 3-5 lbs below that, it's a perfectly healthy/acceptable weight for my height and body type. I just want to make sure that I'm starting out in the best possible place physically for both myself and baby #2. So I'm thinking that we will stick to the plan and stop preventing as of December 1st, and see how things go. I also haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I'd like the last few weeks, and I really want to get back in the habit of going regularly before I get pregnant. I think that will give me a much better chance of continuing to go to the gym after I get pregnant. Once I'm in the routine of going all the time, it's easy and I love it, but once I get out of the routine it's hard to get started again. So I'd rather push myself to get started while I'm not pregnant and feeling normal than to try and struggle through it with morning sickness/etc.
This is unrelated to pregnancy/TTC, but I have to share it because it's cracking me up. Catie has been in the craziest mood the last couple of days (which is a nice change from the cranky, teething thing she had going on for several days prior to that). Last night we went out to dinner with a friend, and got frozen yogurt afterward. We let her run around the frozen yogurt place because there's a chalk board for kids to draw on and she really enjoys that. Well, there was this young, cute police officer there and Catie was full out flirting with him, trying to get his attention, etc. to the point where she just about walked into a table because she was trying to get him to look at her. DH stopped her about an inch away from conking her head. I was dying laughing. She continued her antics the whole time he was there, but he never paid attention to her. This morning was my "morning off" so DH got up with her, got her breakfast, took care of the dogs, etc. while I slept in and took a shower by myself (it's amazing the things you took for granted before having kids). When I came upstairs she was standing on her little stool, jumping up and down and yelling "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Just obviously totally wound up. DH said she'd been like all morning. So I asked her if she was excited to go to Wesley's (her best friend) birthday party later today. She started running around the room, waving her arms like a maniac and yelling, "Party party party! Sassy's party!" over and over and over (Sassy is how she says Wesley). DH and I were totally cracked up. She's not usually crazy hyper like this, so it's been entertaining. Probably more so than if this were her usual behavior. Well, she's down for a nap at the moment, so I need to go put the finishing touches on the Halloween costume I made her (Wesley's party is a costume party, obviously, since today is Halloween).
CD8 today. Everything appears to be going along fine. I'm temping just out of curiosity, but we still definitely going to go the JLIH route. Last night and this morning DH was asking to move up TTC to this month, but I just don't feel right about it. I feel like next month is the right time for us. It is cute that he is so excited for another baby, though! I am excited, but also scared to death, and simultaneously looking forward, and not looking forward to being pregnant again. How is that possible?
Anyway, yesterday we were at a birthday party for Catie's best friend. His mom is one of my best friends and also has a three-week-old baby girl. She's been telling me that the second time around is easier, so here's hoping that holds true for me as well . Anyway, at one point during the party the ladies retreated to the nursery for some girl talk while my friend nursed the little one. All of us have kids except for one who is currently pregnant, so of course we were talking about birthing classes, birth stories, labor, breastfeeding, etc. etc. I always enjoy talking about this stuff, but I started to get frustrated (with my situation, not with my friends). I started thinking that no matter what happens, I won't get that "2nd time is easier" childbirth experience. Of course that isn't always the case even for moms who have had perfect births in the past, but for me pretty much either way it goes will be a first time experience for me. If I end up with a second c-section it will be a new experience because I was under general anesthesia the first time around, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be awake for a c-section. And obviously I've never had a vaginal delivery, so I'll be in new territory there, as well. It's really frustrating to me. I have a child. I'm supposed to feel better about doing this a second time because I've done it once before. But I don't. I feel like a first time mom all over again, and for some reason, that just makes me mad! I feel inexperienced and basically like a fraud... how did I get a child without getting the knowledge that comes with experiencing birth? I know that I need to deal with these feelings before #2 is born so that I can have the best chance to put it behind me and not let if affect the birth of my second child. It's really hard. Most care providers don't even acknowledge your feelings. You just get the "well you have a healthy baby so everything is fine" response, which, let me tell you- is not helpful at all. Of course I am beyond thankful that my little girl is healthy. She is the light of my life. But that doesn't take away the trauma we experienced during her birth, and it doesn't mean that I will go into a second birth with no reservations. And can I just say, it's hard when it seems like everyone around you has perfect, natural childbirths. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't mine go that way? What did I do wrong? There are no answers to these questions. Sometimes stuff just happens. Maybe it's selfish, but I wish that it didn't have to happen to me. I wish it didn't have to happen to anyone.
So I just signed on and it looks like pg.org got spammed or something... top thread on almost every board is something about real estate signs. Nice. Anyway, today is CD 11 and I think FertilityFriend must think I'm completely nuts. Just put in my info for today. Lowest temp yet, but definite EW CM... TMI, I know. Is that weird? I'm not much of a charter... really more JLIH, but trying it out this month while we're still preventing just out of curiosity to see what my body does. Anyway, same old stuff... same conflicting emotions about getting baby #2 on the way. But very thankful that we are spacing them out as much as we are, especially watching a couple of friends who are going through it with kids in the 18 month- 2 year range. Not that there's anything wrong with that- it is the right thing for their families. I just know that it's not right for our family, and I'm really glad we figured that out before it was too late .
So yesterday after I picked Catie up from mother's day out, I also picked up her best friend and brought them both back here. They played great which was awesome- it allowed me to get some cooking done. At one point they decided that it would way more fun to run around the house naked. After negotiations, we compromised to only wearing diapers. They are hilarious.
In not so funny news, I was watching Grey's Anatomy on Hulu last night after DD went to bed and DH was out at a choir rehearsal (he's directing the choir at our church for this Christmas season), and something in the show made me have a flashback of the moment when I was about to go under general anesthesia for my c-section, and was wondering if I'd ever wake up again. Not fun. Not cool. Thought I'd dealt with all that. Oh well... healing is a process, right? I just really hate dealing with the fear. I hate fear. With my more cautious personality type it's something that I have to struggle against all the time, in all aspects of my life. But I'm determined not to let it run my life.
So today I am enjoying the fact that my house is pretty clean (pretty clean rather than perfectly clean due to the fact that I have to two shedding dogs and a child who takes out toys faster than I can pick them up), and I am doing some cooking/baking that I need to get into the freezer. Trying to get everything that can possibly be made ahead and frozen done this month so at Christmas I can relax. Well, I don't know about relax, but at least have less to do. There are some things that will just have to be made at the last minute. I'm toying with the idea of making and freezing the toffee. I know that it freezes just fine, but the chocolate on top doesn't look as pretty after being frozen. Still totally edible, just looks a little different. Maybe I'll freeze the batch that just for our family, and then do a fresh batch to give away. Trying to be better about planning and doing stuff ahead. I feel like I have to start preparing now for what life with two kids will be like!
I forgot to take my temp this morning. Oh well. I slept pretty badly, woke up early, got up to use the bathroom, laid back down for awhile, got up to use the bathroom again and then realized that I hadn't taken my temp. Not a big deal, but I think I'm close to ovulating (some EWCM and ovulation pain), so I was curious to see what my temp would be. I will try to remember tomorrow. We made it through the time change relatively unscathed. Can I just say that I HATE the stupid time changes? The practical purpose for it no longer exists, so why can't we just pick one time and stick with it? It's gotten easier as Caitrin has gotten older, but she was still up earlier than I had hoped this morning (of course today was the earliest she'd woken up in about two weeks), and now we have to try to make it through church without her melting down and wanting to nap too early. Ugh.
So on top of this whole, "let's radically change our lives by having another baby" my husband has decided it's time for us to move. Okay, he hasn't "decided." We're a team and we make these decisions together. But he suddenly has wanderlust and really, really wants to move (not to another state or anything, just to another house). I have mixed feelings about this. For one thing, we had always planned to sell this house at some point and move to a neighboring county (we're very close to the county line- it's not far). The neighboring county has much, MUCH better schools, and is generally a more desirable location. But, because of this, it is much more expensive than where we are now, so in order to find something in our budget we have to buy a fixer-upper. I'm okay with that, but I realize that it will be more difficult with small children. But it can be done. My parents did it. I know what it's like to live in a construction zone. And it wouldn't be that bad for us- we would buy something that just needs to be updated, not something that needs major structural changes.
We found several houses that are good possibilities. One in particular that in spite of the fact that it is a 1970's nightmare with 35 years worth of cigarette smoke stench, we kind of fell in love with. But a lot of factors would have to fall into place for us to get that house. I almost feel better about it that way- I feel like if it's meant to be it will be, and if not, it won't. The idea of getting that house simultaneously excites me and scares the crap out of me (it would be a lot of work and we would have to carefully budget our renovations). Also I'm sad because I really, REALLY love the house we're in right now. It was our first house (we rented an apartment prior to buying this place). There are so many memories here, not to mention that I just love the house itself. It's been such a great house for us and it makes me sad to think of leaving it. Not to mention that the idea of trying to sell it in the current market is very scary. Terrifying, in fact. And then I think about going through putting our house on the market, making an offer on another house, hoping our house sells so that we're not stuck with two mortgages, tearing out smoky carpet/wallpaper/etc. and painting, putting new flooring in, and MOVING while potentially being PREGNANT and I almost hyperventilate. Or at least half of me does. The other half of me thinks that while it would be stressful, it would be doable, and as my husband pointed out, better to move while I'm pregnant than while we have a newborn.
Okay, this has gotten much, much longer than I intended. Oops. Well, if you've been reading this journal you know that the idea of having a second child scares me as well as excites me. Then you add the scariness/excitement of potentially moving/buying/selling houses, and I'm a mess. A total mess. So I'm focusing on things I can control. Trying to be the best wife and mommy I can be, continuing as planned with holiday prep (we wouldn't consider putting our house on the market until January, anyway) and de-cluttering the house. Whether we end up moving or not, it will be great to clear some stuff out of this house. We have accumulated soooooo much stuff! Where does it all come from?! We will be making a couple of huge drop offs to Goodwill in the next few days!
This is why I usually don't temp JLIH. Things don't go exactly the way I expect them to, and then I start obsessing that something is wrong with me. Last month I gave up temping around this time in my cycle because I was making myself crazy. Plus I wasn't super consistent with it, so it really wasn't a good assessment of what was going on. This month, I've temped every day except for yesterday. So, two days ago, my temp had started to go up. I've had O pains for the last two days and some (thought not a lot) of EWCM. So when I took my temp this morning I expected it to at least be in the range of what it was two days ago, if not a little higher. Nope. Back down. Way back down. What the heck? Well, last month after I stopped temping I'm pretty sure I did end up ovulating, but it was late, and then my cycle was 34 days, so it seems like could definitely have been the case. When I'm not on birth control I always have longer (though still regular) cycles, so maybe this is normal for me? I don't know.
On a mommy note, can I just say how much I passionately hate the stupid time changes? Really. Why do we still have them? They no longer serve a practical purpose but to torture all mothers out there. For the last two/three weeks Caitrin has been getting up between 7 and 8. Fabulous. That is pretty much sleeping in for me. The days were going smoothly as far as sleep for her. Since the time change (which of course was only yesterday) she has been up at the crack of dawn. We're talking still dark out. Then of course she wants to nap earlier, then she wakes up earlier, then she gets cranky well before bedtime because she's tired from not napping later in the day. Aaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhh. I. Hate. This. This morning I got up to use the bathroom some time around 5. It's pitch black outside, and who do I hear giggling in her crib? Oh yes. My child. She was happy, so I just left her and went back to bed. At six, I was jolted out of sleep by an enormous crash (her room is right above ours). I immediately knew what must have happened and woke my husband up yelling, "I think she fell out of bed!" So we both took off running upstairs. Now you have to understand that she still sleeps in her crib, and she's not much a climber, so she has never attempted to get out of it. In fact, she loves her bed so much that she has attempted to climb in, but never out. So I open her bedroom door to find her standing on the floor next to her bed screaming bloody murder. The reason for the fall is immediately evident: she was wearing one shoe. My child is obsessed with shoes, and apparently my husband left her shoes on the edge of the changing table when he got her ready for bed last night. So Catie was leaning over the railing of her crib trying to get the shoes. I guess she got one on and was going back for the second. She must have partially climbed/had one leg over the rail or something, because we have the mattress lowered to the point that the railing comes up almost to her shoulders. I'm really not sure how she pulled it off, but it definitely wasn't what any of us wanted to wake up to this morning. The funny part was, she wouldn't stop crying until we had gotten the other shoe and helped her put it on. Then she went from screaming to perfectly happy in about one second.
So apparently I read the thermometer wrong yesterday in my bleary-eyed exhaustion. When I turned it on this morning to take my temp it showed yesterday's temp (it stores the last temp taken) and it was higher than I remember it being by a good margin. My temp was even a little higher today, and I had more EWCM so I think things are on track. I just want to know that my body is doing what it's supposed to do so that we can start trying next month, or if I need to give it some more time to get acclimated after going off the pill.
In other news, waiting to hear back from our real estate agent about looking at a couple of houses tomorrow. I spoke to my brother this morning about looking at the other house with us (the one we really like). He owns his own painting business, and spent several years working for a carpenter when he was in high school/college, so he has a lot of knowledge and deals with repairs/renovations/etc. on a regular basis. So his input will be really helpful.
Right now I am snuggling with my girl and watching Sesame Street. She is usually not much of a snuggler (always on the go) so I am enjoying this!
Okay, so I seriously have no idea what's going on. My temp was down again this morning. I've had EWCM for several days, and had O pains a few days ago. I'm thinking that maybe temping isn't something that works well for me. I'm an extremely light sleeper, so I wake up often in the night. I usually go right back to sleep, but especially in the early morning hours I tend to be restless and wake up often. You're supposed to take your temperature after a minimum of 3 solid hours of sleep, so I don't know if that's affecting it. Well, it doesn't really matter. I do think that I'm ovulating. We're planning to JLIH anyway, this was purely out of curiosity, so no big deal. I will probably continue temping to the end of this cycle, then stop and just see what happens.
In other news, still feeling stressed about potentially putting our house on the market/making an offer on another house. We looked at two more houses this evening, which basically confirmed that we really, really like the other house we looked at, and that's the one we'd want to go with. My husband wants to make an offer/put this house on the market before Christmas, but I just don't feel right about that. In a week or two I could feel differently once I've had more time to think it over, but as of right at this moment it makes me so anxious that I feel nauseous. I am striving to trust God in this and to be at peace with whatever happens. I want to give the burden to Him and not worry about it, but the problem is that I keep taking it back and getting anxious all over again . No one ever said that trust would be easy! I will just keep working at it. If we end up staying here, I love this house and would be fine with it. If we got the house we have our eye on I would be excited. It's the prospect of putting this one on the market and not being able to sell it that terrifies me. It's a lot to think about at the same time that we're trying to get number 2 on the way! Eeeeek!
My temp finally went up this morning, but once again I slept badly so I don't know how accurate my temp was. I got so anxious over all the real estate stuff that I kept waking up with an upset stomach throughout the night. Then Caitrin woke up at the crack of dawn again, and then refused to take a nap ALL DAY. She fell asleep for less than an hour around 4:30/4:45, and then woke up screaming. She usually takes a three hour nap, so you can see how this had disaster potential written all over it. Anyway, we made it through the day, and Grey's Anatomy is about to come on, so I am getting comfy on the couch and relaxing! We'll see what tomorrow brings with the whole temping thing.
My temp went up again this morning- highest one yet. Also my CM has dried up, so I'm guessing that at some point over the last few days, something happened. Now we will just have to wait and see when I get my next period and see how long this cycle is. It's good to know that my body is doing something... even if I'm 100% sure exactly what or when. I've never been on a 28 day cycle, so I'm not worried about that. My cycles have always been regular, just long. I'm hoping that I won't have cramps as badly this time around. Having cramps that feel like labor pain while you're trying to chase a two-year-old around is just cruel.
The plans to get our house ready to go on the market continue. Whether we end up moving or not, it will be nice to have cleared out a lot of stuff that we've accumulated, and to have taken care of all those minor things around the house that are never a priority otherwise. Plus it's given me incentive to get out in the garden and get it cleaned up for the winter. If we do move, I will miss my garden. We did all the landscaping at this house ourselves (it was more or less a blank slate when we bought it), and the gardens are beautiful (if I do say so myself ). It would be fun to start over and make a whole new garden at a new house, but if we buy the house we have our eye on, we wouldn't be able to right away- the interior would require all of our immediate time/attention/money. Anyway, that is getting ahead of myself. Right now I'm trying to just focus on one task at a time and on enjoying today. Otherwise I get way too overwhelmed.