Our Journey TTC #2

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heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273
Our Journey TTC #2

We don't tell anyone that we're TTC, but I really felt like I needed to get some ideas/thoughts out, so after I stumbled across these journals, I decided to start one myself. Hopefully having an outlet for what I'm feeling about this process will help me feel/be less crazy in my everyday life- lol!

Before my husband and I got married, talked about what we wanted in life, and made a few tentative plans. We got married young (I was 21 and he was 20), so we wanted to wait at least five years before having kids, so that we had time to enjoy just being married and get established in life a little bit first. We wanted to raise our children in the faith that we share. We weren't 100% sure about how many kids we wanted to have, but decided we definitely wanted more than one, and definitely not more than four. We also agreed that we would do whatever it takes for me to be a stay-at-home-mom. These are the things we wanted for our family.

So we graduated from college and got jobs. A few years later we bought a house and adopted two dogs from a rescue organization. I had been able to get back into horseback riding (something I had done since I was a little kid but had to give up during college and a year after graduation for financial reasons), and even co-owned a horse with a good friend of mine. We had been through ups and downs in our relationship and started to feel like the time might be right to think about starting a family. We prayed about it a lot, and decided we should start TTC right after Christmas, 2007.

I went off BCP the beginning of September 2007, but we continued to prevent using condoms at the recommendation of my doctor, to give my body time to adjust to going off the pill. So as we were approaching the time to start trying, we kind of panicked and decided to put it off for a few more months. We had always said that we wanted to take a big vacation- like a European cruise or something- before having kids, and it was something we hadn't gotten around to doing. So we figured, why not wait a few months to TTC, and take our big vacation? So on Thursday, January 31st, 2008, we went to see a travel agent and got info on possible vacation options.

Now that whole week I had been waiting for AF to arrive. I felt crampy and gross and basically like she was about to arrive at any minute, but she didn't. Two of my co-workers knew about this because I was a preschool teacher and had to get someone to come take my class every time I had to run to the bathroom thinking AF had shown up. On Friday, February 1st (the day after we had been to the travel agent, mind you), my co-worker convinced me that I needed to take a pregnancy test (my period was basically a week late at this point, and I'm usually very regular). I was pretty freaked out. There had been one time we hadn't used a condom because I had finished my period the day before and thought it would be fine- I thought there was no way I would ovulate the day after my period ended. So I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work, waited until my husband got home from work, and took it. BFP... pretty much instantly... no need to wait the three minutes or whatever it is. Despite the fact that I wanted to have children, I freaked out. We're talking hyper-ventilating here. It took me completely off guard and I just felt unprepared and downright scared! DH was totally excited and a little disappointed that I was freaking out.

Timing-wise, it's actually kind of funny. When we prayed about when we should start trying, we really felt like we should start right after Christmas, 2007. Even after we chickened out and put it off, when did I get pregnant? Right after Christmas, 2007. It's almost like God said, "Sorry kids, you had it right the first time!"

Okay, DH just came home from work and DD is fussing, so I have to go. So... to be continued, I guess!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Medically speaking, my pregnancy was great. I was healthy, the baby was healthy, there were absolutely no problems. But I really didn't enjoy being pregnant very much. I had morning sickness, which in my case should have been called 24/7 sickness, up into my second trimester. I know there are women who have it worse than I did, but I think any at all is more than enough! While I was soooooo grateful that we were able to conceive, and I enjoyed feeling the baby move, etc., I was pretty miserable being pregnant. I taught riding lessons up until I was eight months pregnant, which meant being on my feet 12 hours a day. While I was really thankful for the exercise that gave me, my feet hurt soooo intensely and I had a lot of joint pain as well. I was just ready to have the baby, basically.

My husband had wanted the sex of the baby to be a surprise, but I absolutely had to know, and since I was miserable and barfing all the time at that point, he very kindly gave in and we found out that we were having a girl! I was so excited- I had really been hoping for a girl. Knowing what we were having helped it all seem real to me, and my type A personality appreciated being able to plan, buy girly things, etc. I had three wonderful baby showers and enjoyed celebrating our little girl with friends!

My due date was September 25, 2008 (which also happens to be my FIL's birthday). I was with an OB who was very supportive of my desire for natural childbirth, and the hospital was wonderful and also very supportive. The only problem- not being allowed to go past 41 weeks. They were more than willing to let me do pretty much anything else regarding my birth- intermittent monitoring, moving around, being in any position I liked, but induction at 41 weeks was the way it had to go. Like many first time moms, I went late. I did just about everything I could to try to induce labor (aside from castor oil- that scared me too much, but I probably should have tried it!) but nothing worked. At my 40 week appointment, I was 1cm dilated, 75% effaced, and the baby had been at -1 pelvic station for about two weeks at that point. The word uncomfortable does even begin to cover how I felt, lol!

I was scheduled for induction on October 2, 2008. I guess that's a good stopping point for now- DD just finished her breakfast so my few minutes of quiet are over!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So we were told to get to the hospital at 11:00pm on October 1, 2008 so that we could get checked in and start the induction right at midnight. They gave me cytotec vaginally to ripen my cervix, then left us alone and told us to sleep, and that they'd start pitocin in the morning. DH went to sleep (after complaining about how uncomfortable the pull-out chair was, of course. But I couldn't sleep. I lay there listening to my ipod and to the baby's heartbeat on the monitor (since I was in bed anyway, they went ahead and put the monitor on).

The cytotec gave me some minor contractions. They were only slightly more intense than the BH I'd been having, so I didn't think much about it. But somewhere around 4:30/5:00am the baby decided that she was not enjoying this whole contraction thing, and her heart rate dropped. Low. Really low. My nurse came running in and had me roll from side to side, gave me oxygen, etc. but her heart rate didn't come back up. My husband sort of woke up during this. My nurse called my doctor who told her to reach in and tickle the baby's head to see if that stimulated her. Let me just say, that was very possibly the most painful part of my entire labor. But it worked- the baby's heart rate came back up and stayed up. The nurse told me to try and get some sleep. My husband started to roll over to go back to sleep, and I freaked out on him. Hearing her heart rate drop had been really scary, and I felt like he wasn't taking it seriously. I asked him to call our doula (she actually isn't a trained doula, but I'm calling her that for lack of a better word. She's a family friend who has attended many births over the years and basically performed the role of doula for many women). The reason she wasn't already there with us was that since I was being induced and most of the action wouldn't start until the morning, I told her to get some sleep at home and we'd call her once things had actually gotten started. So she headed for the hospital, and I felt better knowing she was on her way.

Next, shift change for the nurses. This was when I got the only nurse/staff person in the entire hospital that I didn't care for. She was the one who started me on pitocin. I was free to move around, but had to check in with the monitors periodically. The problem was, this nurse had a hard time getting the monitor to pick up my contractions (and believe me, I was having contractions), so she kept turning up the dosage of pitocin. I was having excruciating back labor (even though my baby was in the optimal position), and the pitocin gave me tetanic contractions (basically one ongoing contraction rather than a rise and fall). That was pretty tough to deal with (remember I had no pain medication).

My doctor came in to check on me and decided to break my water (looking back, I should have asked her to wait, but hindsight is 20/20, so what can you do?) The amniotic fluid was tinged with meconium. After that my contractions got a lot more intense. To make a long story short, over the next several hours I continued to progress (slowly, but steadily), but the baby periodically had more heart rate decellerations. They did everything they could, but she was just not tolerating labor, right from the beginning, even before they gave me pitocin. At one point, they all rushed into my room saying we had to go to c-section NOW, but then her heart rate came back up and they decided to wait a little longer. I had finally given in after 7 or 8 hours of one continuous contraction and asked for the epidural (the anesthesiologist was about to give it to me when they ran in saying c-section), so after they decided to let me continue I went ahead with the epidural.

The baby continued to have trouble, so at some point (the timeline is not totally clear to me since I obviously had other things on my mind) they took me off pitocin completely and gave me a shot of something to stop the contractions, but it didn't work. Everyone was in agreement that we needed to go to c-section. They were just waiting for a c-section in progress to finish, then they would take me in (they have two OR's on the labor floor, but they only had one OR team, so they wanted to avoid calling a team from another floor if they didn't have to). I forgot to mention that at some point the nurse I didn't like got called away and replaced with one who was wonderful. So that was awesome. Anyway, about 20 minutes after I got the epidural, the baby's heart rate dropped AGAIN. Really, REALLY low. And it didn't come back up. The rolled me from side to side, I was on oxygen, they had pumped me full of IV fluids, and basically done everything they could at this point (and remember that I was no longer on pitocin AND on medication to stop the contractions). So they prepped me for surgery as fast as humanly possible, paged an OR team from another floor who came -literally- running as fast as they could. They left my husband behind in the room because he couldn't get all the stuff on fast enough (what they give you to wear over your clothes). There were ten or fifteen people RUNNING my bed down the hall, including the director of L&D. My husband told me afterward that when the baby's heart rate dropped that last time that made them all panic, my blood pressure also dropped really low. I have really low blood pressure on a normal day, so that's saying something.

Anyway, they got me into the OR (they told DH he'd have to wait outside) and I discovered from the anesthesiologist that that they were putting me under general anesthesia- didn't have time for me to get numb with anything else. That told me how serious everything really was. I'm actually really thankful that I didn't know sooner, because this way I only had about 30 seconds to freak out. The anesthesiologist was wonderful. No one else had time to talk to me about what was happening, but he reassured me that everything was going to be okay, asked if I had any questions, etc. Then he knocked me out.

Obviously I have no memory about what happened next. They got the baby out in about 30 seconds. Her 1 minute apgar score was a 2. But thank God, they suctioned her nose/mouth, rubbed her down, and she revived immediately. Her 5 minute apgar score was a 9. Apparently she pooped about five or six times between the OR and nursery. As soon as they were sure she was okay, they let DH in to see her while they were stitching me up. She was born at 1:54pm. She weighed 7lbs 6oz and was 20inches long. DH husband carried her to the nursery. After staying with her for a few minutes, he went outside to get some fresh air and let our families know the baby was born. Apparently he completely lost it once he got outside (I can count on one hand the number of times this man has cried in the almost eleven years that I've known him, but this was like the floodgates opening. He had thought he was going to lose both me and the baby). He pulled himself together and called his dad, his mom and stepdad, and then my parents. He was okay until he got on the with mom, then he promptly lost it again and she bawled along with him.

Meanwhile, I woke up back in my room. As soon as the nurse saw I was awake, she went to get my doula who was waiting outside my room. I asked her where my husband was and she said he'd gone out to get some air. A minute or two later DH walked in, and I swear his face was GRAY. So ironically, as I was lying in a hospital bed after 13 hours of labor followed by major surgery, I said to him, "You look awful!" At which point he kneeled down by the side of my bed, laid his head on me and started crying again. Poor guy. I reassured him and then asked the nurse something like, "Do I have a baby?" I was pretty groggy. She immediately called the nursery and they said they had gone ahead and bathed her since I was still out from the anesthesia and they were just finishing up. My doula left at this point... I think... again, groggy and out of it. A couple of minutes later they brought my daughter in. She was perfect- absolutely nothing wrong with her. And she was PISSED that she hadn't been fed yet! Lol! I so appreciated that they nurses respected that I was breastfeeding and didn't give her formula even though I was out from the anesthesia. The nurse who brought her in said she'd give us a few minutes to get to know each other and then come back to help me feed her. But after about a minute my little peanut let me know that she was not going to wait any longer, so I just started feeding her (I had educated myself as much as possible on breastfeeding ahead of time). She a great, latch, a REALLY strong suck, and never had any problems. I, on the other hand, was very sore for the first couple of weeks (they had warned me that with suck a strong suck it was likely to happen), but that went away and I nursed her for a year, until she weaned herself.

On a humorous side note- my husband and I had actually chosen two names (complete with middle names) for our daughter. We were pretty sure we were going to go with Caitrin Elizabeth, but we decided to wait until we saw her to make our final decision. Under the stress of the moment, DH totally forgot about this and told EVERYONE that her name was Caitrin Elizabeth. So when I woke up, the news was out to the world and I was like, "Huh. So much for waiting until we BOTH got to see her!"

Our first visitor that evening was my brother. He had been on my case for quite awhile about giving him a niece or nephew, so he was very excited. While he was still there, four of our closest friends came. We were the first to have a child, although the other two couples have since followed suit ;-). Over the next few days we had lots of visitors, and felt very loved by our family and friends. We took our daughter home on Sunday, October 5th.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

If you made it through that marathon story, bless you ;).

So why am I posting my first birth story (in detail) on my TTC journal?

Because it's a big part of what I think about when I think about having a second child. Pretty much all moms know that the postpartum period can be difficult, especially with a first child when you have no idea what to expect. Through in some post traumatic stress syndrome and you've got yourself a really good time. It took a long time for me to start to heal from my daughter's birth. I had nightmares about hearing her heartbeat drop on the monitor for months after she was born. I had to come to terms with the fact that we almost lost her. I had to come to terms with the fact that my birth did not go the way I had hoped it would.

Grieving the expectations of what you had wanted for your birth is so important to do, although not easy and not often acknowledged in our society. I kept getting the, "you have a healthy baby and that's all that matters" line. Yes, having a healthy baby and mommy is the MOST important thing about a birth experience. But it doesn't mean that it's the ONLY important thing, and it doesn't mean that a traumatic experience doesn't affect you just because it had a happy outcome. I thank God every day that our daughter came into the world alive and healthy, but I still had/have to deal with the way it happened.

It didn't help that I knew about a million other people who were pregnant at the same time as me (believe me, this is only a small exaggeration... there were a lot). All around me people were popping out babies with no trouble. Not only going into labor on their own, but EARLY even! Vaginal birth? No problem! I felt like a failure. I felt like it was all my fault and I had put my baby through something terrible by allowing myself to be induced. Several things have helped me find some peace in this. One is simply the passage of time. It still stings, but not as badly as it did. Another is the fact that the first heart rate decel happened BEFORE the pitocin was started. A friend who went into labor on her own (and received no medications/interventions) had an eerily similar birth story to mine- while of course I was sad that she also had a difficult time, it was reassuring (in an odd way) to know that a baby can have the same reaction and not tolerate a natural labor as well as an induction. My doctor assured me that I would have no trouble having a second baby and that I was an excellent candidate for a VBAC. One of my best friends said some things to me that really helped. Gradually, healing started.

I still get very emotional when I think in depth about my daughter's birth, and there is still a little bit of hurt there. There may always be. My daughter's birth obviously impacted my life hugely. It changed every second of every day since she was born. But the way she was born has also impacted my life. All experiences do. You can chose to learn from them and grow from them, or you can let them make you bitter, angry, afraid, etc. But it's ridiculous to think that it doesn't change you/affect your life at all. I hope that I have chosen to learn from and to grow from this experience. I think that acknowledging it, knowing that most definitely has a part in shaping not only decisions I make about a second birth, but the entire TTC process and pregnancy will make this part of the healing.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So, after all that, here we are. Ready (or as ready as we'll ever be) to start trying for number 2. I'm excited and scared. Terrified might be a better word here, actually. Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I be sick again like I was last time? How will I make it through a pregnancy if I'm exhausted keeping up with our daughter when I'm NOT pregnant?! How will I be able to take care of two kids as well as everything else when I can't even keep up with the laundry now? How can I divide my time and attention between two kids so that they both feel important and loved as individuals? And the list goes on. You get the idea.

It freaks me out. And we only plan on having two kids. I have no idea how moms out there do it with 3,4,5,6.....

Right now, let's focus on question #1. Will I be able to get pregnant? Until recently, I wasn't too bothered about this one. We had gotten pregnant so easily (insert the word "unintentionally" here) last time that I wasn't too worried about it. Then I went off birth control the beginning of September. I had a normal period at the end of last birth control pack, as you would expect. Well, I should have gotten my next period on Wednesday. Two days ago. So far, nothing except for a few light cramps that have come and gone with nothing to show for them. I know that being two days late the first cycle after going off birth control is pretty normal and nothing to worry about. Especially since my cycles pre-pill were always longer than 28 days (consistent, just longer). I can't remember if this happened the last time I went off the pill. DH says yes, but I don't think so. I thought I went off the pill and my cycles went right back to normal, but he swears I was late and freaking out like I am right now. So who knows. And just in case anyone out there is thinking it... no, I am not already pregnant. I am POSITIVE. Not going to go into details, but let me just assure you that it would be impossible.

So I guess I'm playing the waiting game. Waiting for AF to show up. Waiting for some time to pass and my body to get back into the swing of things so we can start trying. Just waiting. Have I mentioned that I hate waiting?

So the plan is (assuming that AF shows up at some point), we will stop preventing and start actually trying as of December 1, 2010. The original plan was January, but I got impatient and moved it up (DH would have been okay with it if we had started trying six months ago, so he had no objection). If I were to get pregnant on the first cycle, that would give us a September baby, and the kids would be just about 3 years apart (2 years 11 months to be exact... close enough). We've said for a long time that we'd like them to be spaced somewhere in the 3-4 years apart range.

I can't deny that the thought of being done with pregnancies isn't a welcome one. While I am looking forward to that special time with the baby, and I really do WANT to get pregnant, there are a lot of other parts of it that I'm not looking forward to. And as much as I am sooooo excited to meet the 4th and final member of our family, I am scared to death to do the whole newborn thing again. That period of time is equally magical, exhausting, and terrifying. Yikes. What am I getting myself into?! This is going to be a wonderful thing... right?

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So today is CD 32 and still no sign of AF. I know it's normal to have a wacky cycle immediately after going off of BCP, so I'm trying not to freak out. I have never wanted AF to show up so badly! My body just feels off... I've had a couple instances of minor cramping, but then nothing. I just feel weird and want to get AF so I can feel normal. And I'm still 100% convinced that I'm not pregnant, so I KNOW that's not it. That would be nice, but just not possible.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

CD 33. Ugh. I feel so gross. Just want AF to show up. This may be TMI, but this weekend DH and I didn't even bother with prevention when we DTD. I figured there was no point. I'm honestly surprised that AF hasn't started yet because I really do think that I ovulated this month... I wasn't full out charting or using OPK's, but I was keeping track of some signs, and I'm almost positive that it happened. Maybe it was later than I thought? I don't know, but it's driving me crazy. Having a nice weekend to try and keep my mind off it. Yesterday DD slept in until 8:30 (a very rare event), and it was my "morning off" so I stayed in bed until almost 10, then drove out to the barn to see my horse. I came home to DD taking a long nap and DH baking a fancy chocolate cake and a new bread recipe. The three of us went out to dinner and then came back and played with DD until bedtime. After that I watched a movie and went to sleep. This morning I got up with DD, we went to church, and now it's nap time. This afternoon we're meeting up with my brother and going to an art exhibit at the botanical gardens, then DH is making his amazing homemade pizza for dinner. Between the cake and the pizza, and I'm going to be fat! Lol! Guess I will definitely have to get to the gym this week. Here's hoping SOMETHING happens with AF this week!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Today is CD 34. Yesterday afternoon/evening I had some light (very light) spotting. It wasn't much, but it's making me more hopeful that AF is going to show up soon (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease). So that is all the news I have on that front. We had a really nice weekend, and this morning I'm taking the munchkin to the zoo to meet up with a friend of mine from college and her daughter, so that should be fun. My friend is going to be having baby #2 in about a week and a half (scheduled c-section) so we wanted to get the girls together for one more play date before she has the baby.
So I'm pretty sure this is a universal kid thing- they have a fairly consistent schedule, EXCEPT for the day you have plans at a specific time. Then they will throw everything off for that day to make things way more complicated. Usually DD sleeps to about 7am. 7:30 if I'm lucky. Today, she wakes up at 5am. It's rainy and pitch black outside still. There is NO WAY I'm getting up for the day. So I change her diaper, find her paci for her, get her settled back down, etc. and inform her that I'm going back to bed. She didn't cry, but I could hear her rolling around in her bed, kicking her legs, etc. so I had a hard time going back to sleep. At about 6:40 we both go back to sleep... then my alarm went off at 7:00. I usually don't even set an alarm, I just get up whenever she does. But today because we're meeting friends at the zoo I had to get up and shower before DH got up for work at 7:30. So I am feeling kind sleepy. Hopefully she will take a good nap today and I can take one too! I know this isn't really a big deal (especially compared to when she was a newborn), but I've just been feeling run down lately, so any and all sleep is appreciated. I think I've been fighting off a cold. Well, time to get DD dressed and head to the zoo!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Just a quick update- today turned out to be CD1! AF decided to show up! I don't think I've ever been so excited to start my period before. It's just reassuring to get that first period after going off of birth control. And even though I'm having cramps, I feel so much better... just more normal.
DD and I had a great morning at the zoo, then she took an almost 4 1/2 hour nap (!) and I took an almost 2 hour nap! Definitely a good day. Biggrin

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Joined: 02/02/08
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So last night I got a reminder how delightful cramps can be when I'm not on the pill (debilitating cramps was the reason I went on the pill in the first place, when I was 19). I am not exaggerating when I say it feels exactly like being in labor. Back labor, no less. It was pretty bad, but definitely not as bad as I've had in the past (I've been known to throw up, pass out, etc. due to severe menstrual cramping). So I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. But I'm still so happy that I at least started my period. Here's hoping that we can get pregnant on the first try so that I don't have to keep dealing with these cramps! This will be the last cycle that we're preventing!!! So crazy.
We have been having some crazy weather today. A cold front moved in with the usual Tennessee drama. It started out downright hot this morning (I dressed DD in a tank top, if that tells you anything). We've had crazy winds, random downpours that start and stop without warning, tornado watches, etc. DD and I made our weekly grocery run (it's usually a Monday chore, but with our big day at the zoo yesterday it got postponed) and just barely missed the storm. It was really windy, rained while we were in the store, rained a little on the drive home, and then started downpouring as soon as I got the last grocery bag into the house! Now it's cold out!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Okay weird- I thought I had posted at least one other journal update, but it's not showing up. So either my computer/internet screwed up or I was just thinking about posting and never actually did. Either one is a definite possibility! Wink
Well I guess there was an up side to having horrible cramps this cycle- they only lasted one day instead of the three or so I usually get. Trade off, I guess.
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not to chart or JLIH. I'm really more of a JLIH kind of a girl, and I think I mentioned that I started temping and it made me absolutely crazy, so I should probably just forget about it and let things take their natural course. But I can't decide.
Today is another rough teething day for my poor little one. Someone remind me why I want to do this all over again? I feel so badly for her, but the nonstop screaming is starting to get to me. I've done everything I can think of, but nothing is helping. Well, Tylenol helps for a little while, then it's back to the screaming. She was like this with her other set of molars as well. All four of them came in at the same time. I hope that's what's happening this time. At least then we'll be finished!
Anyway, just trying to be patient waiting through this last cycle before we really start TTC! How crazy is that?!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

AF is gone (yay!) and DH and I are discussing whether we should start trying this month, or next month as planned. I'm voting for next month but he's totally excited about another baby and wants to start trying now. I think it's so sweet that he's so excited and wants to start trying earlier, but we already moved it up one month (the original plan was January) and I just don't feel right about moving it up again. I'm a planner, and I have things I want to do to prepare before we start trying. I want to have another month on prenatal vitamins first, and I want to work on my weight a little bit more. I'm in a pretty good place with my weight, but in the last two weeks I gained 1 1/2 lb and I'd like to get rid of that (and maybe a little more) before getting pregnant. Prior to gaining the 1 1/2 lb I had been back at the weight I was before getting pregnant with Catie, and while I'd love to be about 3-5 lbs below that, it's a perfectly healthy/acceptable weight for my height and body type. I just want to make sure that I'm starting out in the best possible place physically for both myself and baby #2. So I'm thinking that we will stick to the plan and stop preventing as of December 1st, and see how things go. I also haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I'd like the last few weeks, and I really want to get back in the habit of going regularly before I get pregnant. I think that will give me a much better chance of continuing to go to the gym after I get pregnant. Once I'm in the routine of going all the time, it's easy and I love it, but once I get out of the routine it's hard to get started again. So I'd rather push myself to get started while I'm not pregnant and feeling normal than to try and struggle through it with morning sickness/etc.
This is unrelated to pregnancy/TTC, but I have to share it because it's cracking me up. Catie has been in the craziest mood the last couple of days (which is a nice change from the cranky, teething thing she had going on for several days prior to that). Last night we went out to dinner with a friend, and got frozen yogurt afterward. We let her run around the frozen yogurt place because there's a chalk board for kids to draw on and she really enjoys that. Well, there was this young, cute police officer there and Catie was full out flirting with him, trying to get his attention, etc. to the point where she just about walked into a table because she was trying to get him to look at her. DH stopped her about an inch away from conking her head. I was dying laughing. She continued her antics the whole time he was there, but he never paid attention to her. This morning was my "morning off" so DH got up with her, got her breakfast, took care of the dogs, etc. while I slept in and took a shower by myself (it's amazing the things you took for granted before having kids). When I came upstairs she was standing on her little stool, jumping up and down and yelling "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Just obviously totally wound up. DH said she'd been like all morning. So I asked her if she was excited to go to Wesley's (her best friend) birthday party later today. She started running around the room, waving her arms like a maniac and yelling, "Party party party! Sassy's party!" over and over and over (Sassy is how she says Wesley). DH and I were totally cracked up. She's not usually crazy hyper like this, so it's been entertaining. Probably more so than if this were her usual behavior. Well, she's down for a nap at the moment, so I need to go put the finishing touches on the Halloween costume I made her (Wesley's party is a costume party, obviously, since today is Halloween).

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Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

CD8 today. Everything appears to be going along fine. I'm temping just out of curiosity, but we still definitely going to go the JLIH route. Last night and this morning DH was asking to move up TTC to this month, but I just don't feel right about it. I feel like next month is the right time for us. It is cute that he is so excited for another baby, though! I am excited, but also scared to death, and simultaneously looking forward, and not looking forward to being pregnant again. How is that possible?
Anyway, yesterday we were at a birthday party for Catie's best friend. His mom is one of my best friends and also has a three-week-old baby girl. She's been telling me that the second time around is easier, so here's hoping that holds true for me as well ;-). Anyway, at one point during the party the ladies retreated to the nursery for some girl talk while my friend nursed the little one. All of us have kids except for one who is currently pregnant, so of course we were talking about birthing classes, birth stories, labor, breastfeeding, etc. etc. I always enjoy talking about this stuff, but I started to get frustrated (with my situation, not with my friends). I started thinking that no matter what happens, I won't get that "2nd time is easier" childbirth experience. Of course that isn't always the case even for moms who have had perfect births in the past, but for me pretty much either way it goes will be a first time experience for me. If I end up with a second c-section it will be a new experience because I was under general anesthesia the first time around, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be awake for a c-section. And obviously I've never had a vaginal delivery, so I'll be in new territory there, as well. It's really frustrating to me. I have a child. I'm supposed to feel better about doing this a second time because I've done it once before. But I don't. I feel like a first time mom all over again, and for some reason, that just makes me mad! I feel inexperienced and basically like a fraud... how did I get a child without getting the knowledge that comes with experiencing birth? I know that I need to deal with these feelings before #2 is born so that I can have the best chance to put it behind me and not let if affect the birth of my second child. It's really hard. Most care providers don't even acknowledge your feelings. You just get the "well you have a healthy baby so everything is fine" response, which, let me tell you- is not helpful at all. Of course I am beyond thankful that my little girl is healthy. She is the light of my life. But that doesn't take away the trauma we experienced during her birth, and it doesn't mean that I will go into a second birth with no reservations. And can I just say, it's hard when it seems like everyone around you has perfect, natural childbirths. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't mine go that way? What did I do wrong? There are no answers to these questions. Sometimes stuff just happens. Maybe it's selfish, but I wish that it didn't have to happen to me. I wish it didn't have to happen to anyone.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So I just signed on and it looks like pg.org got spammed or something... top thread on almost every board is something about real estate signs. Nice. Anyway, today is CD 11 and I think FertilityFriend must think I'm completely nuts. Just put in my info for today. Lowest temp yet, but definite EW CM... TMI, I know. Is that weird? I'm not much of a charter... really more JLIH, but trying it out this month while we're still preventing just out of curiosity to see what my body does. Anyway, same old stuff... same conflicting emotions about getting baby #2 on the way. But very thankful that we are spacing them out as much as we are, especially watching a couple of friends who are going through it with kids in the 18 month- 2 year range. Not that there's anything wrong with that- it is the right thing for their families. I just know that it's not right for our family, and I'm really glad we figured that out before it was too late ;-).
So yesterday after I picked Catie up from mother's day out, I also picked up her best friend and brought them both back here. They played great which was awesome- it allowed me to get some cooking done. At one point they decided that it would way more fun to run around the house naked. After negotiations, we compromised to only wearing diapers. They are hilarious.
In not so funny news, I was watching Grey's Anatomy on Hulu last night after DD went to bed and DH was out at a choir rehearsal (he's directing the choir at our church for this Christmas season), and something in the show made me have a flashback of the moment when I was about to go under general anesthesia for my c-section, and was wondering if I'd ever wake up again. Not fun. Not cool. Thought I'd dealt with all that. Oh well... healing is a process, right? I just really hate dealing with the fear. I hate fear. With my more cautious personality type it's something that I have to struggle against all the time, in all aspects of my life. But I'm determined not to let it run my life.
So today I am enjoying the fact that my house is pretty clean (pretty clean rather than perfectly clean due to the fact that I have to two shedding dogs and a child who takes out toys faster than I can pick them up), and I am doing some cooking/baking that I need to get into the freezer. Trying to get everything that can possibly be made ahead and frozen done this month so at Christmas I can relax. Well, I don't know about relax, but at least have less to do. There are some things that will just have to be made at the last minute. I'm toying with the idea of making and freezing the toffee. I know that it freezes just fine, but the chocolate on top doesn't look as pretty after being frozen. Still totally edible, just looks a little different. Maybe I'll freeze the batch that just for our family, and then do a fresh batch to give away. Trying to be better about planning and doing stuff ahead. I feel like I have to start preparing now for what life with two kids will be like!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

I forgot to take my temp this morning. Oh well. I slept pretty badly, woke up early, got up to use the bathroom, laid back down for awhile, got up to use the bathroom again and then realized that I hadn't taken my temp. Not a big deal, but I think I'm close to ovulating (some EWCM and ovulation pain), so I was curious to see what my temp would be. I will try to remember tomorrow. We made it through the time change relatively unscathed. Can I just say that I HATE the stupid time changes? The practical purpose for it no longer exists, so why can't we just pick one time and stick with it? It's gotten easier as Caitrin has gotten older, but she was still up earlier than I had hoped this morning (of course today was the earliest she'd woken up in about two weeks), and now we have to try to make it through church without her melting down and wanting to nap too early. Ugh.
So on top of this whole, "let's radically change our lives by having another baby" my husband has decided it's time for us to move. Okay, he hasn't "decided." We're a team and we make these decisions together. But he suddenly has wanderlust and really, really wants to move (not to another state or anything, just to another house). I have mixed feelings about this. For one thing, we had always planned to sell this house at some point and move to a neighboring county (we're very close to the county line- it's not far). The neighboring county has much, MUCH better schools, and is generally a more desirable location. But, because of this, it is much more expensive than where we are now, so in order to find something in our budget we have to buy a fixer-upper. I'm okay with that, but I realize that it will be more difficult with small children. But it can be done. My parents did it. I know what it's like to live in a construction zone. And it wouldn't be that bad for us- we would buy something that just needs to be updated, not something that needs major structural changes.
We found several houses that are good possibilities. One in particular that in spite of the fact that it is a 1970's nightmare with 35 years worth of cigarette smoke stench, we kind of fell in love with. But a lot of factors would have to fall into place for us to get that house. I almost feel better about it that way- I feel like if it's meant to be it will be, and if not, it won't. The idea of getting that house simultaneously excites me and scares the crap out of me (it would be a lot of work and we would have to carefully budget our renovations). Also I'm sad because I really, REALLY love the house we're in right now. It was our first house (we rented an apartment prior to buying this place). There are so many memories here, not to mention that I just love the house itself. It's been such a great house for us and it makes me sad to think of leaving it. Not to mention that the idea of trying to sell it in the current market is very scary. Terrifying, in fact. And then I think about going through putting our house on the market, making an offer on another house, hoping our house sells so that we're not stuck with two mortgages, tearing out smoky carpet/wallpaper/etc. and painting, putting new flooring in, and MOVING while potentially being PREGNANT and I almost hyperventilate. Or at least half of me does. The other half of me thinks that while it would be stressful, it would be doable, and as my husband pointed out, better to move while I'm pregnant than while we have a newborn.
Okay, this has gotten much, much longer than I intended. Oops. Well, if you've been reading this journal you know that the idea of having a second child scares me as well as excites me. Then you add the scariness/excitement of potentially moving/buying/selling houses, and I'm a mess. A total mess. So I'm focusing on things I can control. Trying to be the best wife and mommy I can be, continuing as planned with holiday prep (we wouldn't consider putting our house on the market until January, anyway) and de-cluttering the house. Whether we end up moving or not, it will be great to clear some stuff out of this house. We have accumulated soooooo much stuff! Where does it all come from?! We will be making a couple of huge drop offs to Goodwill in the next few days!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

This is why I usually don't temp JLIH. Things don't go exactly the way I expect them to, and then I start obsessing that something is wrong with me. Last month I gave up temping around this time in my cycle because I was making myself crazy. Plus I wasn't super consistent with it, so it really wasn't a good assessment of what was going on. This month, I've temped every day except for yesterday. So, two days ago, my temp had started to go up. I've had O pains for the last two days and some (thought not a lot) of EWCM. So when I took my temp this morning I expected it to at least be in the range of what it was two days ago, if not a little higher. Nope. Back down. Way back down. What the heck? Well, last month after I stopped temping I'm pretty sure I did end up ovulating, but it was late, and then my cycle was 34 days, so it seems like could definitely have been the case. When I'm not on birth control I always have longer (though still regular) cycles, so maybe this is normal for me? I don't know.
On a mommy note, can I just say how much I passionately hate the stupid time changes? Really. Why do we still have them? They no longer serve a practical purpose but to torture all mothers out there. For the last two/three weeks Caitrin has been getting up between 7 and 8. Fabulous. That is pretty much sleeping in for me. The days were going smoothly as far as sleep for her. Since the time change (which of course was only yesterday) she has been up at the crack of dawn. We're talking still dark out. Then of course she wants to nap earlier, then she wakes up earlier, then she gets cranky well before bedtime because she's tired from not napping later in the day. Aaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhh. I. Hate. This. This morning I got up to use the bathroom some time around 5. It's pitch black outside, and who do I hear giggling in her crib? Oh yes. My child. She was happy, so I just left her and went back to bed. At six, I was jolted out of sleep by an enormous crash (her room is right above ours). I immediately knew what must have happened and woke my husband up yelling, "I think she fell out of bed!" So we both took off running upstairs. Now you have to understand that she still sleeps in her crib, and she's not much a climber, so she has never attempted to get out of it. In fact, she loves her bed so much that she has attempted to climb in, but never out. So I open her bedroom door to find her standing on the floor next to her bed screaming bloody murder. The reason for the fall is immediately evident: she was wearing one shoe. My child is obsessed with shoes, and apparently my husband left her shoes on the edge of the changing table when he got her ready for bed last night. So Catie was leaning over the railing of her crib trying to get the shoes. I guess she got one on and was going back for the second. She must have partially climbed/had one leg over the rail or something, because we have the mattress lowered to the point that the railing comes up almost to her shoulders. I'm really not sure how she pulled it off, but it definitely wasn't what any of us wanted to wake up to this morning. The funny part was, she wouldn't stop crying until we had gotten the other shoe and helped her put it on. Then she went from screaming to perfectly happy in about one second.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So apparently I read the thermometer wrong yesterday in my bleary-eyed exhaustion. When I turned it on this morning to take my temp it showed yesterday's temp (it stores the last temp taken) and it was higher than I remember it being by a good margin. My temp was even a little higher today, and I had more EWCM so I think things are on track. I just want to know that my body is doing what it's supposed to do so that we can start trying next month, or if I need to give it some more time to get acclimated after going off the pill.
In other news, waiting to hear back from our real estate agent about looking at a couple of houses tomorrow. I spoke to my brother this morning about looking at the other house with us (the one we really like). He owns his own painting business, and spent several years working for a carpenter when he was in high school/college, so he has a lot of knowledge and deals with repairs/renovations/etc. on a regular basis. So his input will be really helpful.
Right now I am snuggling with my girl and watching Sesame Street. She is usually not much of a snuggler (always on the go) so I am enjoying this!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Okay, so I seriously have no idea what's going on. My temp was down again this morning. I've had EWCM for several days, and had O pains a few days ago. I'm thinking that maybe temping isn't something that works well for me. I'm an extremely light sleeper, so I wake up often in the night. I usually go right back to sleep, but especially in the early morning hours I tend to be restless and wake up often. You're supposed to take your temperature after a minimum of 3 solid hours of sleep, so I don't know if that's affecting it. Well, it doesn't really matter. I do think that I'm ovulating. We're planning to JLIH anyway, this was purely out of curiosity, so no big deal. I will probably continue temping to the end of this cycle, then stop and just see what happens.
In other news, still feeling stressed about potentially putting our house on the market/making an offer on another house. We looked at two more houses this evening, which basically confirmed that we really, really like the other house we looked at, and that's the one we'd want to go with. My husband wants to make an offer/put this house on the market before Christmas, but I just don't feel right about that. In a week or two I could feel differently once I've had more time to think it over, but as of right at this moment it makes me so anxious that I feel nauseous. I am striving to trust God in this and to be at peace with whatever happens. I want to give the burden to Him and not worry about it, but the problem is that I keep taking it back and getting anxious all over again ;-). No one ever said that trust would be easy! I will just keep working at it. If we end up staying here, I love this house and would be fine with it. If we got the house we have our eye on I would be excited. It's the prospect of putting this one on the market and not being able to sell it that terrifies me. It's a lot to think about at the same time that we're trying to get number 2 on the way! Eeeeek!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

My temp finally went up this morning, but once again I slept badly so I don't know how accurate my temp was. I got so anxious over all the real estate stuff that I kept waking up with an upset stomach throughout the night. Then Caitrin woke up at the crack of dawn again, and then refused to take a nap ALL DAY. She fell asleep for less than an hour around 4:30/4:45, and then woke up screaming. She usually takes a three hour nap, so you can see how this had disaster potential written all over it. Anyway, we made it through the day, and Grey's Anatomy is about to come on, so I am getting comfy on the couch and relaxing! We'll see what tomorrow brings with the whole temping thing.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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My temp went up again this morning- highest one yet. Also my CM has dried up, so I'm guessing that at some point over the last few days, something happened. Now we will just have to wait and see when I get my next period and see how long this cycle is. It's good to know that my body is doing something... even if I'm 100% sure exactly what or when. I've never been on a 28 day cycle, so I'm not worried about that. My cycles have always been regular, just long. I'm hoping that I won't have cramps as badly this time around. Having cramps that feel like labor pain while you're trying to chase a two-year-old around is just cruel.
The plans to get our house ready to go on the market continue. Whether we end up moving or not, it will be nice to have cleared out a lot of stuff that we've accumulated, and to have taken care of all those minor things around the house that are never a priority otherwise. Plus it's given me incentive to get out in the garden and get it cleaned up for the winter. If we do move, I will miss my garden. We did all the landscaping at this house ourselves (it was more or less a blank slate when we bought it), and the gardens are beautiful (if I do say so myself ;)). It would be fun to start over and make a whole new garden at a new house, but if we buy the house we have our eye on, we wouldn't be able to right away- the interior would require all of our immediate time/attention/money. Anyway, that is getting ahead of myself. Right now I'm trying to just focus on one task at a time and on enjoying today. Otherwise I get way too overwhelmed.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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Fertility Friend FINALLY says that I ovulated! Apparently I am now 3 DPO. Until I put in today's temp it had said "O not detected" and "N/A" for everything else. Of course it doesn't matter this cycle, because we're not trying yet and I just trying to get a feeling for what exactly my body does during a cycle, but how is it helpful to tell you when you ovulated after the fact? If we were trying wouldn't I want to know when I was leading up to it and when it was actually happening? I mean I would have tried on the days I was having EWCM, but I thought FF gave you a prediction so you could have an idea of when to try. Maybe that's only the VIP membership. I don't know. Anyway, the important thing is that I am ovulating and things seem to be going back to normal after getting off the pill. Now I have some good information to go on when we are trying next month. And when I say next month, it's really only about two/two and a half weeks away. Eeeeek!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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I'm 5dpo today, and my temp is still up. Everything is looking good. I'm glad that I temped this cycle just so I know everything is doing what it should be doing. I'm such a worrier by nature, it's nice to have one less thing to worry about!
I think that as of today we are ditching all forms of BC. This may be TMI, but since I went off the pill we've been using condoms, and they just don't work well for us. I figure since I know I've already ovulated, we might as well get rid of them.
I really didn't think we'd be thinking about moving/selling our house at the same time that we'd be trying to get pregnant. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and not be anxious about any of it. After all, what good does being anxious do?

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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CD 26 today. My temp was MUCH higher than it has been today, so FF changed my O date from CD 17 to CD 18. Not a big deal, as long as I actually HAD an O date. I feel like the end of this cycle is dragging on and on. It will be interesting to see when AF decides to show up this month.

I am feeling kind of down today. No big reason- just a bunch of little things. I'm trying to snap out of it. I've been pretty productive this morning, and one of my best friends is supposed to come over this afternoon with her kiddos, so that should be fun. Hopefully that will help me shake this icky feeling.

No news on the house situation. Our real estate agent went out of town yesterday to go see her sister who was about to give birth to twins! We will go take a second look at the house we'd like to buy after Thanksgiving (assuming that it's still on the market), and go from there. I'm getting to the point where I just wish something were decided. There are too many question marks for my liking right now. Where will we live? If we move, when will we move? Will our house sell? Will we be able to get pregnant? If so, when will we get pregnant? Will we be attempting to move while I'm pregnant? I just feel like I'm in limbo right now with some rather large life-changing events hanging over my head.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So today has been something of a dismal failure. It started with Caitrin waking up screaming at 4:30am and not going back to sleep. Needless to say, I did not temp this morning. She told me that her ear hurt (also her hair???), so DH took her to the doctor (they have clinic hours on Saturdays- thank goodness) and of course she has an ear infection. She came home and took a nap. When she woke up she had discharge pouring out of her ear- her eardrum ruptured. She won't let me touch it to clean it like I'm supposed to (I called and spoke to the triage nurse on call). She seemed to be feeling a bit better until about 20 minutes ago... now there is lots of screaming. We were supposed to have game night with our good friends tonight, but we're either not going to be able to go or only one of us can go. I'm not going to lie- I was really, REALLY looking forward to spending some time with people over the age of two. I feel so badly for my miserable little girl. And the discharge is seriously gross. At least DH is on duty tonight so I can get some sleep (I'm pretty tired from being up with her since 4:30 this morning).

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So...... AF came early (28 day cycle instead of 30-32). You know what that means... we are officially TTC this cycle! Pretty crazy. I honestly don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do think it's now or never ;). If we wait any longer, I think we'd decide that one is plenty! Lol! So... here we go! I'm feeling better about it than I was before. I started out pretty scared about doing this again, but I'm feeling more of a peace about it now. I hope it happens pretty quickly- I've had horrible cramps since going off birth control. They feel like back labor and I can't function like a normal person, which is difficult since I have a two-year-old to take care of. They're not quite as bad as they were prior to going on birth control originally (think transition phase of labor), but they're more than I can handle while going about a normal day, which is a major problem. I got lucky yesterday- DH worked half the day from home, so he was able to keep an eye on the munchkin while I spent some quality time with the heating pad.
It will be interesting to see what this month, and the coming months, hold for us!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So things have not been going my way for the last several days. DD has been a bit of a monster lately, and I am trying desperately not to run out of patience. She locked herself in the bathroom in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, which is humorous now, but nearly gave me a heart attack at the time. I've fallen several times over the last few days (not really surprising considering that I'm a total klutz, but now I'm sore and bruised all over). Today we lost out on the house we were hoping to buy. We had to wait until our real estate agent came back into town after Thanksgiving, and the plan was to go look at it tomorrow with my brother (so he could check out some structural things for us), and then make an offer. So we find out today that it just went into pending status. Bummer. I tried to cheer myself up by baking some Christmas cookies and burned my finger on a cookie sheet. Caitrin didn't take any nap at all (she usually sleeps 3-4 hours), and just as we were getting ready to go to the grocery store it started pouring rain. I opted to wait and go by myself after DH gets home rather than drag the cranky munchkin out in this weather. Now she is screaming at me because I won't give her a pacifier (she's only allowed to have it for naptime and bedtime).

Okay, that is my vent. I feel better now. I know God has a plan and this is all in his hands, it's just hard not to be disappointed/frustrated sometimes. But my ultimate goal is to have a good attitude no matter what. Really, all the things I listed are very small, even tiny, annoyances. We are very blessed and really don't have anything to complain about. Sometimes you just have to get it out of your system to you can put it all in perspective and be thankful for your blessings. So consider that to be what I'm doing ;).

As far as TTC goes, DH and I are trying to have fun with it and enjoy it since we didn't get to "try" the first time around (it was a surprise), and this will, most likely, be our last. I forget what CD I'm on now. 8, maybe? Not sure. Anyway, certainly still waiting to O. It was exciting to join the September birth board, though! Here's hoping all the ladies on there get a BFP for Christmas!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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Still sad about the house. We really, really loved it and had hoped to get it. Oh well. I also found out that one of the horses I used to teach lessons on died yesterday. So sad, although not unexpected (he was VERY old). He taught so many people to ride over the years and was such a sweetie. Apparently yesterday was just NOT a good day.

I've gotten some stuff accomplished today, although not as much as I had hoped to. If I can mix up a batch of cookie dough after the munchkin goes to bed I should be doing alright. I've been trying to get as much Christmas baking done ahead of time as possible, then just freeze it and pull it out when I need it.

Today is CD9, I've been temping a little bit, just so I can feel like I'm doing something other than just waiting to O! So far everything is very similar to last cycle, so I guess that's good? If I don't ovulate until CD17 or 18 like last cycle I have a long wait ahead of me. Sad

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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Today is CD11... I think. It's been easy not to obsess over it with everything going on- the disappointment on the house, my brother potentially buying a new house/moving, helping our best friends move, my birthday, my parents coming into town, Christmas, and DH's birthday. December is always a busy month for us, but it's even more so this year.
So we're obviously still disappointed about the house. Really trying to just put it behind us, though.
I've been having a fun time with my little one the last couple of days. She's been very silly and fun to play with. I've also baked enough cookies for the entire United States... or at least that's what it feels like. And still more to go! Making good progress, though. My chest freezer is almost completely full! Of course there's other stuff besides cookies in there.
I'm ready for O and the 2WW... just ready to be further along in this process, even if this isn't our cycle. Just ready for something to happen. Something good... I've had enough of the alternative lately.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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So after saying that I usually ovulate later in my cycle, I've had a lot of EWCM today. TMI, I know, but that's what this is about, right? So who knows what this cycle is going to be like. It is only my third after going off BCP, so I guess it's normal for things to still be wacky. We will just have to wait and see what happens!

In other news, I am having a hard time finding the energy to be Mommy today. I'm just tired and really feeling the need for some grown up time. I was hoping to get together with a friend this afternoon (the kids play great together so we actually get to have a conversation), but her back has been bothering her so she's off to the chiropractor. I'm trying to think of an alternative plan for the afternoon. Maybe we will go to Michael's for a few last minute Christmas decorations, or maybe do some kind of an art project. As much as I love spending time with my girl, I'm looking forward to bedtime tonight so I can have some down time.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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Today is CD15. No temp rise yet, but that's not surprising considering that I O'd on either CD17 or CD18 last month. Still having fertile CM. But since I tend to have it for about a week around O time, it doesn't really help me pinpoint the day.

So today is one of those crappy days where you are the only thing making it crappy... know what I mean? I'm in a funk that I just can't snap out of. I'm usually an optimistic person, so it really drives me nuts. I'm cranky, snapping at people I love, totally out of patience, etc. It's been coming on for a couple of days but it really hit me today and I've just been a mess. For no reason that I can figure, unless it's hormones doing crazy things. This is only my third off BCP, so things still haven't really evened out, and I'm realizing how much the pills did as far as making hormones/cramps/pms/everything more bearable! Ugh. I feel like I should crawl into a hole and hide for a few days to protect the people around me!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
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CD17 today. My temp went up this morning, so we'll see if it stays up tomorrow (fingers crossed). I'm excited to move on to the 2WW. Hopefully we had good timing... we'll have to wait and see!
I am still in a funk emotionally. It's kind of freaking me out. I'm usually a pretty logical person, and I don't have a lot of ups and downs emotionally- I tend to have a pretty steady personality. If I do feel down/hormonal it's usually right before my period, and once I realize that that's probably the reason, I can snap out of it. But that obviously isn't the reason right now, and I don't know what's going on. Trying to focus on positive things and not let it get to me.

heatherliz2002's picture
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I'm excited- my temp went even higher today! Even if we don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm relieved to know that my body is doing what it should be doing.

In other news, trying to get some holiday stuff done. I just finished wrapping all the stocking stuffers. Going to make some homemade bread today if I can find the motivation... it's a long process. I also need to make and freeze a batch of biscotti. Then I'll be just about done with the Christmas cookies!

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Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Highest temp yet today! By my estimation I'm 3dpo. I know people probably think I'm nuts for making as many journal entries here as I have, but I can't help it. We're not telling anyone that we're TTC, so this is my only outlet. I almost started talking about it to one of my best friends today, without thinking. I shut my mouth just in time. So if I don't post here I know I'm going to blurt it out to someone!
I'm trying not to get too excited... I don't want to convince myself that I'm pregnant only to get a BFN. But right now I do feel like something is going on. I know that 3dpo is waaaaaaay too early for symptoms, and it's really not symptoms, just something that's not quite the same as usual... I can't explain it. It's probably all in my head and I'm going to feel really stupid in about a week and a half when I find out that I'm not pregnant. But for right now, I'm enjoying the idea that I could be pregnant. And whenever I do get pregnant, here's hoping I have an easier time than I did with my daughter. Not looking forward to a repeat of all the nausea and food aversions. It was rough, and it didn't get better until about 18 weeks. I know that some people have it even worse than that, but for me that was bad enough! So for now I'm going to enjoy my little secret, before I either get a BFN or the nausea hits. Right now it's fun and exciting :D.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

So of course today I'm feeling like I'm definitely NOT pregnant. Gotta love the 2WW. It messes with your mind! I'm trying to stay distracted so I don't think about it as much, but it's hard!!!
Today will be a very busy day, so that should help. I have stuff to do around the house, then we're looking at houses with our real estate agent, then we're going out to dinner with friends to celebrate my birthday and one of my friend's birthday. We're getting a babysitter and going to a nice restaurant... I'm excited!
Just trying to pray that God's will be done, and that we will get pregnant in His perfect timing. And really, I'm okay with it if it takes a few months. I would like to be pregnant this month, but it's okay if I'm not.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

I'm 5 or 6 dpo today. Let's say 5 to be on the safe side. My temps are looking good, so that's encouraging. I'm getting impatient to test. It feels like time is simultaneously moving really slowly and really quickly. As far as TTC goes, it's moving at a snail's pace, but when I think about the fact that it's December 13th already, it feels like this month is flying by! My birthday is one week from today, then my parents come into town two days after that, then we have Christmas, then my in-laws come into town, then it's DH's birthday, then my mom's birthday. Not to mention assorted Christmas parties mixed in there. There's definitely a lot going on, so that helps.
It has been so cold here lately- way below our average for this time of year. We actually have snow on the ground right now, which is pretty crazy for Tennessee in early/mid December. It reminds me where I grew up :D. Except that we didn't cancel school, clean out the grocery stores and generally freak out every time we saw a flake of snow... or even a forecast for snow. DH had the day off from work (another example of this city's total overreaction to a small amount of snow) so that was nice. Last night after the little one went to bed we sat by the Christmas tree and each opened one present, since we figured it would be the closest thing to a white Christmas we'd get around here!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

I just had to pull up my chart to see what cycle day I'm on. The last few days have been so busy I completely lost track. Today is CD27, and I'm 10dpo. Yesterday I had a (very) slight temp dip, but I wasn't too worried about it since it was still in the range of my highest temps, and I had slept poorly, so I wasn't even sure how accurate it was. Today my temp shot back up- highest one yet. Yesterday I felt like I definitely wasn't pregnant, today with the temp rise and some belly tenderness I feel like I might be. The 2WW is starting to get to me, I think. Wink If my temps stay up I will probably test on my birthday (Monday). I'll be 12dpo. If they take another dip I'll probably wait longer and see if AF shows up.

I am really dragging this morning- I think I over did it yesterday. I did not sit down/stop moving all day until we got to DH's company Christmas party last night. I could barely keep my eyes open during their whole secret santa exchange. Of course yesterday I had to wake DD up at 8:10(!) because we had places to go and I needed to be able to put her down for an early nap. Today, when I would have loved to sleep until 8 (or later) she was up around 7:15. Not terrible, but I was not ready to get up! Today DH is helping friends of ours move. Hopefully he'll be back in time for me to get out to the barn and ride my horse. I couldn't go earlier in the week due to bad weather. Tomorrow a friend of mine is coming over for our annual Christmas Baking Day. Yes, that's right... on top of the massive amounts of baking I've already done, we are having a baking day tomorrow. I've gotten almost all the cookies done, so we're going to dedicate tomorrow to candy. Peanut brittle, buckeyes, fudge, salted caramels, and toffee (which I've already made two batches of... I need to do one more). Then I can assemble the gifts for DH's bosses (there are five!).

Yawn... I'm going to try to wake up and get some stuff done now. DD is finishing up her breakfast and watching Angelina Ballerina. I should take this opportunity to unload the dishwasher without her "help." Wink

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

I have completely forgotten to post here the last few days. The last time I posted was the morning of Dec. 18th. Even though I was not planning on testing until my birthday at the earliest (the 20th) I ended up testing the afternoon of the 18th. I figured it was too early (not to mention not even close to FMU), so I'd either get a BFN or a REALLY faint BFP. Much to my surprise, a pretty dark line came up immediately. DH was just like, "I knew it." which was kind of funny.

So we are very excited! I haven't tested again, but I've been having symptoms. I want to go by the store and get another test, but DD is napping at the moment, so it will have to wait. We are planning on telling our parents over Christmas because it will be our only chance to tell them in person (none of them live close by), but other than that we will wait to tell people until we hear a heartbeat. It's kind of fun to keep it secret, and really hard all at the same time! I ordered a shirt for DD that says, "I'm going to be a big sister, but I'd still rather have a pony!" which should arrive today. I figure I'll put it on her Christmas morning and see how long it takes my parents to notice!

So I guess I will be moving over to the pregnancy journal board. I'll post a link here once I do. I'm so thankful that we were able to get pregnant easily (cycle 1!!!) and I'm hoping for a healthy, sticky bean! Trying not to worry too much about it, but just enjoy each day of this pregnancy, no matter how it ends. Nothing is guaranteed, so I want to enjoy every moment that I have with this child.

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Here is the link to my pregnancy journal:

http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?p=8308688#post8308688

So far everything is going well, other than our whole family getting a stomach virus, and then of course I ended up with bronchitis.

Here's hoping for a healthy pregnancy, baby, and mommy!

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