Out of difficulties grows miracles

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Out of difficulties grows miracles

Hi I’m Amber I just turned 25 two days ago. I have a wonderful DH, Graham who is also 25. We have been TTC for 24 cycles. Someone suggested to me to start a journal. At first I didnt want to but the more I though about it the more it sounded like a good place to vent so here it goes.

When I was younger I always though that I didn’t want to have kids. I though being an Aunt would be enough but once I turned 20 and was in a serious relationship my thoughts began to change. In 2001 I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor. If you are going to have a tumor in your brain this is the one to have. Mine doesn’t do too much. Every year I have to have tons of blood work done and an MRI to check what it is doing, but so far it is just hanging out so we just watch it. I was told at my first apt, with the Endo who follows me for my tumor that I may run into problems when I am ready to have children. At that point I was not ready so I didn’t give it much though. But slowly the idea of children of my own started sinking in. I have more school I want to complete but my DH and I decided to start “not trying, but not not trying” so I went off BCP. After a few months of that we started getting more active in trying. I told myself in the beginning I would not get worried until I was finished with school and settled in our careers before we got really aggressive. That helped keep off the pressure but after a year I was concerned. I work on a mom/baby unit and for being around so many pg women I was surprised to see how many of my fellow nurses have fertility problems. I watched one of my friends go through 8 IUI’s and 3 IVF’s without ever getting pg. I got scared and decided to see an RE. I am very lucky because the clinic that was just voted the best fertility clinic in the nation is in my town. I made an apt and was thinking that we would go through the testing and learn everything was fine and then be able to keep trying without pressure. Well that went right out the window!

The first cycle with my RE we did all the routine stuff……FSH, HSG, Post coital, SA’s, u/s…… A few years ago I had an ovarian cyst and I learned at that time that I had a bicornated uterus. I am one of those people who look up everything to know everything there is to know about my conditions. Since I work with OB’s I was able to get lots of opinions on it, most came back as it was no big deal. I was excited (maybe excited is not the right word…) to get my HSG done so I could see exactly what my uterus looked like. Bicornated uteruses are described as “heart shaped” like someone took their thumb and pushed in the top to make it indent a little. So that is what I was expecting to see. What I saw though was nothing like that. My uterus is far from normal. It looks like a very deep V. A P.A did my HSG. She looked very concerned so I asked her what she thought. She said from her experience women with uterus like mine were not able to carry a full term pregnancy and I would require surgery to get it repaired. I broke down crying right there!

My RE though did not seem as concerned. He said an HSG is not a great indication of what is really going on. There as a possibility that instead of being bicornated it could have a septum (a normal uterus with a thin layer of tissue growing down the center), which is easily removed and I could go one to have a healthy pregnancy. If it was a true bicornated (which he said most women are not) then there is noting that can be done. There is a surgery for it but the risks greatly outweigh the benefits and most doctors would not even consider it an option. I felt a little more at ease…especially since one of the pg.org girls just had that surgery to remove a septum a few months prior and I could lean on her for support. So my RE decided to do a hysteroscopy to see exactly what was up there, so to speak. The hysteroscopy was fairly uncomfortable but was over quick. Dr. Surrey was not happy with what he saw. There was indeed a very deep V to my uterus. It was so deep that he could not see it all. The bottom part looked very promising to be a septum so he gave me 2 options. The first, to go in and have a lap done so he could look at it from above and below to determine what it was. If it was a septum then it could be removed at the same time. The second was to have an MRI. I opted for the non surgical approach and went with an MRI. The MRI showed that my uterus was defiantly bicornated. I was pretty let down about that. I have taken care of women that have spent most of their pregnancy on strict bed rest in a hospital for months! I have seen the tiny preterm 28 weekers that have such a huge struggle to get well and grow up healthy. I know no one ever thinks they will have nothing but a routine healthy pregnancy but for me knowing exactly what kind of battles lay on the other side was nerve wrecking! I was even more nervous that Dr Surrey would tell me that it was not in my best interest to carry a child. But he never did. He told me there is no reason we cannot proceed with me getting pg. I needed to keep a realistic approach on things and understand that I may end up on bed rest and I may end up with a pre term baby, but there are also women out there (not a lot but a few) with uterus similar to mine that go on to have no problems and have big healthy full term babies!

Unfortunately we also learned some more devastating news at that appointment. There is a new test that is out called an AMH (Anti mullerian hormone) which is still very new but they think that it is able to tell you exactly what the ovarian reserve is. They want the results to be 1.01 or greater for you to ever to be able to have a child. Most women have levels of 2 or 3 and as they age the levels drop. Most of the drops do not occur until the mid forties and women get closer to menopause. My results though are 0.94. My RE told me we needed to start getting really aggressive with our treatments because he could not tell me how long I had to have biological children. He said he would like to see me pg within the next 6 months. After that 6 month mark I may not be able to have children at all. Usually I am a pretty emotional person. I cry when I get frustrated and angry, I cry when I am happy and when I am sad but this news did not stir up emotion. I was shocked. I learned this when I was 24, my fertility is not supposed to be an issue at 24! The clock is not supposed to start ticking yet. My DH was with me when we learned this and he was there when Dr Surrey said he thinks IVF is our only option. I was pretty colleted during the meeting. It was like I had stepped out of my own body and went into nurse mode. I talked like I wasn’t talking about myself and my lack of a future for my second child. Dr Surrey told us to take some time to think about what we wanted to do. I asked if this was due to my tumor and he did not think it was releated. I asked what we would do in the mean time if we decided to wait a few months to come up with the 16,000 that we didn’t have to pay for IVF. I inquired about IUI’s and he said we could defiantly try it. He did not sound optimistic but he said we could try. IVF for us would not be that simple either though. Because of my bicornated uterus I cannot support multiples. So while doing the IVF they will only implant one embryo at a time. Previous u/s has shown that even with Clomid I only have around 9 follicles a cycle. Normal for someone in their 20’s is around 15. If you have 6 or less the odds of getting pregnant are slim to none. So because I do not have a lot of eggs available and the quality of the ones that I have are not great AND since they will only implant one at a time there is a good chance we would have to do IVF several time. But because my FSH is high Irun a risk of releasing multiple eggs, so IUI's ru nthe risk of having multiple babies, something that is not an option. So we went home with a lot to think about.

In the back of my head I had always been picturing the worst case scenarios. So I was not too surprised to hear this news. Still shocked to have an actual medical professional who is the best in his field say it out loud but in some sense I saw it coming. Graham on the other had been blown away. I had been telling him about this for a while but he really didn’t get it until the doctor said it. He drove me home and we didn’t say too much about the appointment. When we got home he stayed with me for a bit then had to go to work. When I was alone I had a breakdown. I was so angry and upset. How could this really be what is going on in my life? I had always imagined myself with several children of my own. My life was going perfectly. I had a good job, and I was, after a mandatory 2 year wait list finally going to start the P.A (Physician Assistant) program in the fall. I had a great husband, our own home which we had fixed up and decorated how we wanted. I have 2 horses that are my life! We had just bought DH a new truck and had just landscaped our front yard. Everything was going so well. But now I felt as if everything was crumbling. If we had found out 2 months earlier about having to do IVF we could have been in a place financially to be able to make it work. Money would still be tight but we could make it work, but now all I could think about is the cross road I stood at. On one side was my life as I knew it and on the other side was my baby and I could not have it all. I decided that I can always go back to school later so I officially took myself out of the PA program. There was almost no way I could have finished such a rigorous program pregnant anyways…even if everything did go well. I have to keep the though in the back of my head also that I may have to sell my horses, although we are trying to make it work with me keeping them. It has been 2 weeks since we found out about my infertility. My DH and I have had a lot of struggles. Not just about having a baby but every aspect of out marriage was strained. It was only for a couple days but it felt like years and those days I was pretty sure I was going to end having to so this alone. Already in these 2 weeks I think our marriage has gotten stronger. I have my moments where DH can say or do nothing right and I think he has learned it is not him that I’m angry at.

Although theses past few weeks have been so difficult and surreal feeling I am glad that I know about all this now while we can do something about it. I have had a few moments a month ago where I wanted to stop trying so hard. Stop temping and testing and stressing over my chart…just take a break for a year then try again. I am so glad I didn’t do that. That there was that little voice that kept me going. Otherwise it would be too late. DH and I have come up with out game plan. We have decided to try 1 or 2 cycles of IUI’s before moving on to IVF. if the IUI results in twins or more we will cross that bridge when we get there. I start my Clomid today and take it day 5-9 then go back on day 12 to see how my follicles are responding and how close to Ovulation I am.

I am trying to stay relaxed, but I have huge knots in my back from stress…..I think I’ll go get a massage over the weekend. I’ve never had one before and I think I have it coming.

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I promised myself I would try really hard to keep up with this, but I think the Clomid is kicking my ass this time around! I finished taking it 2 days ago and I have been pretty much worthless since. Tuesday I had to call into work because I had such a terrible migraine. I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed before noon all week either. I also have been so grumpy! I feel bad for the people who have to be around me. Several of the nurses at work yesterday asked why I was so cranky. Of course it was the few who do not know what I am going through, the ones who do pretty much let me be crabby. One of the girls I teach a baby preparation class with talked to me for a while about her difficulties with IVF. She had IVF twice with 4 embryos implanted each time. The first time none of them took. The second 3 did! She lost one at 16 weeks and now has 16 yr old twins. She kept telling me not to worry it will happen. So finally I told her all I have stacked up against me. I don’t know if people don’t hear what I say or if they are still trying to be optimistic but again at the end of our conversation she hugged me and said Just relax, there is no reason this can’t happen. Whatever. As much as I want to be a mother I have to keep myself realistic and I have to be aware of every possible outcome.

Tomorrow is my follicle u/s check. I’m nervous that I wont have enough follicles or that their quality will not have been improved with the Clomid. I’m also worried about going through with the IUI. My DH had such a difficult time providing a sample for his first SA…what happens if he cannot give one for this?

I keep thinking if I go running then I would feel better, hopefully today I will run to the barn before work but I’m ready to crawl back into bed!
:sleep:

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It is 7am...that is very early for me! Especially since I was at work last night until 1:30am. One of my friends who is 28 weeks pg started having contractions at work. Luckily she started having them while at work. She is an RN in the NICU and I work on Post Partum. So she went to LD for a bit had had to have some terb. They decided she was not contracting but just had irritability and the terb stopped it, but I hung out to drive her home.

Today is my u/s for my follicle check. I had a temp dip today and I'm feeling lots of O pain so I am very excited to go in and see what’s going on! I thought I would be more nervous but I'm not in the slightest. I feel bad for my DH though. Last night he had to work really late. He still has a lot of stuff to do at work today. I made him come home last night instead of getting it finished because there was a moth in our bedroom. The one thing in life that truly freaks me out is moths. So he had to come get it. I feel a little selfish now.... :oops: I'm hoping that we do the IUI tomorrow that way he can get his work finished today.
Alright I need to finish getting ready; I am hoping to have enough time to stop for pancakes before I go in!

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Well…I just got back from my ultrasound. It went well. While I was having it done the tech said I have 4 follicles. That made me nervous. I remember the RE saying that you need 6 or more to have a chance of conceiving so I thought this cycle was a bust. The nurse came in to talk with me and the first thing she said was…”You responded well to the Clomid” I was skeptical and told her what I was told about the number of follicles needed. She said that was for the reserves….I have 4 eggs that are going to be released! Which means I have a high chance of having Quads!! :shock: I was totally not prepared to hear that. Now I fully understand why the RE wanted to do IVF. There is no way I can carry 4 babies long enough for them to be viable. The nurse asked me if I wanted to proceed with the IUI’s. I decided I did want to. Since our time is so limited I want to be able to have at least one child. Every month that slips by brings me that much closer to never having children of my own. If more then 1 egg takes then well cross that bridge when we get there. That’s all I can take this all….just one day at a time.

I left the office with a prescription of Estrace, which will help the lining of my uterus to be thicker (right now it is about 6 and they want it to be 8ish.) and with a trigger shot that I have to take tonight at 9:45 to induce my O. The IUI is set for 9:45 Sunday morning.

I’m both very excited and nervous! I called DH to tell him about it and he is excited too. I was worried the possibility of 4 babies implanting would scare him but he seems okay with it.

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It's now 10 hours until my IUI. DH is fast asleep but I'm up and nervous!! We went to dinner tonight with my MIL. The In-laws don’t know that we have been trying to get pg...Let alone that we are doing fertility treatments. I don’t know why DH hasn't told them. I'm not super close with my in-laws so I feel awkward talking to them about it…which is weird since I have had in-depth conversations with strangers for hours about the same conversation.. They are great people but we have nothing in common so it is difficult for me to talk wit them. So today when DH out of no where wanted to meet his mom for dinner I was sure it was to tell her about the IUI in the morning. All during dinner though, it never came up. We are going to Lake Powell with them in 2 weeks (the day we leave is when AF is due so that should be fun for me! :roll: ) All we talked about at dinner was meals for the trip. After we left DH said he couldn't figure out a way to bring it into the conversation.

A few weeks ago DH was on the phone with his mom and some how they started talking about money and DH said we were saving ours for fertility treatments. His mom said "Oh" and then they moved on to another topic and it hasn’t been brought up again since. I think that is totally weird. My family knows everything that is going on and calls for frequent updates. DH is the oldest child in his family and this will be a first grandchild for his parents. I think it is weird that neither of them has brought it back up once that statement was thrown out there. It doesn’t bother me....I just think its strange.

Last night I had one of the nurses at work give me my HCG shot. Now I wish I did it myself because my booty HURTS!!! It is so sore all the way to my hips and into my legs. I though once I had that trigger shot I would feel in increase of O pains but today it was not as noticeable. Someone at work was saying that your follicles on fertility drugs can get so big that they pop with a trigger shot! I had never heard that before but of course now I'm freaked out that all my follicles have popped. I’m sure they are all still there and are fine….especially since the trigger shot takes 36 hours to work

It feels like the night before Christmas. I’m so excited and nervous and have no idea what to expect! I’m gonna try to force myself to get some sleep so I’m not completely worthless tomorrow.

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Go on and be pregnanet!

I had my IUI yesterday. Everything went well! It was even Fun. The nurse and the U/S tech were so nice and fun to have in the room. I had to have a U/S guided IUI due to the bicornated uterus. My right side is bigger so I asked them to go there. The nurse tried but was unable to get to it because my uterus is also tilted and was sitting far back…despite my Huge bladder! So they put the sperm in on the left side. She said not to worry though because they will go everywhere anyways. The actual process was a tiny bit painful, but not bad compared to some of the other things….more uncomfortable then painful really. The nurse said my cervix had a dark pink ring around it which indicated O was near so that was good. I never knew that happened before. I wish I would have taken an OPK yesterday and the day before to see if I actually O’d. I took one today and it was negative, but just barely so that leads me to think that over the weekend it was positive. I sure hope so. I wish I just knew my O date so I knew where I am at. Next week I go in again for a progesterone check. Hopefully that is okay and will give me a better indication. When we left the office the nurse said to us "Go on and be pregnanet!" Hopefully we are!

I had taken today off of work just incase I needed to and I’m glad I did. I laid around and slept until 4pm! That was nice! Tomorrow I have to work a night shift so I will still have all day to be lazy and take it easy! I was surprised at how little restrictions you have after an IUI. There was one restriction that bums me out though…..I cannot run for 2 weeks. They said I have to keep my heart rate under 140. I am pretty disappointed that I cannot run. That is how I’ve dealt with stress. At one point I considered getting a heart monitor and trying an easy jog. Graham and I went to the Museum last week and they have an exhibit called the Hall of life. You can test your cardio, strength and flexibility on these machines. My cardio and flexibility were excellent. My heart rate during 3 minutes of running stairs was 126. So I’m now wondering if my heart rate actual goes about 140 when I run….I don’t think it does on easy runs, but its not worth chancing. I’ll just stick to walking for a few weeks. The dogs will be happy with that since I can take them with me while walking.

I better get off the computer and start making dinner so it looks like I got something productive dome today before DH gets home!

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I knew I would be really bad at keeping up this journal….really the only reason I am writing now is because I don’t want to clean the house like I’m supposed to be doing! So far thing have been going okay since the IUI. I have been so tired!! If I’m home I’m usually sleeping! I also have been really gassy! You’d think I have been swallowing straight air which the amount I’m expelling! Oh well, at least it is not stinky. I have also been really crampy since the IUI. I read on one of the boards someone’s RE told then that the crampyness was from the HCG shot so that made me feel better.

I have still been longing to go running. I am being good and have stayed within my restrictions but there were a few days where I was literally on the verge of tears because I wanted to run so badly. That surprised even me that I would get so emotional about it. I have only been running about a year and before that I wouldn’t have ran 2 minutes if you paid me to. Now that’s all I want to do. My MIL told me that If I planned on running at Lake Powell to remember to bring my shoes. I had no intentions of running in 110 degree weather, but if AF does show up I’m gonna do it! Not one person on Graham’s side of the family is a morning person and I like to get early starts so I figure I’ll bring my running shoes along and see how much I can loose in water weight while everyone else is sleeping.

I’m really worried AF is gong to show. Not only because my IUI would have not been successful but because it would just be my luck that the week I’m trapped on a boat is the week I really need to be near facilities. I have been to Lake Powell several time, but always with a group of girls so this experience will be a bit of a culture shock to me. My FIL is a die hard fisherman so there will be days where we leave early, get on the water and don’t come in until it is dark. The pack a lunch on the boat and use the lake to relieve them selves in….that is really gross to me! I have never been a pee in the pool kind of girl but the biggest obstacle I face if AF shows up is how the heck am I going to change my tampons?!? There is no where to do it on the boat outside of whipping my bathing suit bottoms down and doing it in front of everyone and I hardly see it working in the water. I’m just gonna have to be bitchy about finding a bathroom from time to time. Another thing that the in-laws do that is weird to me is they bath in the lake as well. Now I ask you what is the point of that?!? The point of showering there is to wash off the lake…yet they are rinsing the soap off with the lake. Seem a little redundant to me…..I just reread this and I’m making my in-laws out to sound like hillbillies, which is totally not the case. Graham’s parents have a ton of money! Which is why it is probably so weird to me that they become so….primitive at the lake. Who knows…..maybe their messing with me and I’m just falling for it all!

Alright I really need to clean and start packing. This is my only day off between now and when we leave on Friday night. My BIL and his GF are house sitting for us so I really need to clean and hid the stuff that I don’t want them to see.

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Some one posted this on one of the TTC boards and while I did not write it I could relate to so much in it. I did removes some things that did not apply to me so the actual list is longer.


What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set...

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common.

That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),

That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would learn to speak in code

That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.

That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)

That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.

That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!

It's good to know I am not alone.

That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time

That your body has its own mind.

That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.

That you feel useless as a female

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

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I'm a having a really crappy morning! It started with me waking up at 3am to take my HPT and got a BFN. Sad I know I’m only 9 DPO but it still bummed me out. So I went back to bed and just work up in a panic thinking that if AF does start while I’m out of town how the heck and I gonna do my U/S check and get my Clomid?!? So I call the office and leave a message of course the nurse who I HATE calls me back and is bitchy and says there is no other options for me then to get it done when it is supposed to be or try a natural cycle. So now I’m worried that I will miss out of a whole cycle next month.

THEN, I check my messages and see that my Dad called me yesterday. My Dad has come across some hard times financially and had had car trouble with every car he has owned for the last 5 years so for his birthday in April my 3 sisters and I pooled our money and bought him a car. It was nothing special but it ran well and was in good shape. Well, he called to tell me that yesterday it was stolen from work!! :shock: I just cannot believe it! We went through so much trouble to get him that car and it pulled us tight financially, especially with all the infertility treatments and then some ass just comes along in broad daylight and steals it!! Unbelievable!! :argh: Out of all the cars to choose to steal they pick my Dads, which I can guarantee was not the nicest on the block.

I am just so depressed right now. I feel like just crawling back in bed.

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Ugh! It is way too hot in my house to sleep! I worked 7pm to 7am last night and then decided to go straight to the barn from work. I asked DH to be sure the AC was on for me since he sets it to turn off during the day. When I got home the house did feel cool, the Ac wasn’t running but it was cool so I thought he did. Now here I am with only 3 hours of sleep and up because it is too darn hot cause the stupid AC is OFF! Grrrr! Darn DH! I am going to be one cranky girl come tomorrow since I have to work another 12 hr night shift tonight. Then hen I went to temp I couldn’t get the stupid thermometer to work! I turned it on then put it in my mouth, and half fell back to sleep and the stupid thing wouldn’t beep! Do finally I look at it and it is turned off. Annoyed I turn it back on and try again…..again I either don’t turn it on or I turned it off before it started working so it doesn’t work. Luckily 3rd times a charm, but now I have already been up for 10 minutes fiddling with it in a sauna house with only 3 hours of sleep so who knows how accurate my temp is today.

Last night at work Kristi, one of the other nurses came up to me and said “Take off your necklace.” Confused I followed her orders. The she made me lay down and proceeded to dangle the necklace above both my ovaries to determine if I was pg or not. She concluded that I was pregnant with twin girls. She said “I don’t know if they will both stick or not but they’re in there now.” She then took my hand and told me that I will be pregnant twice. The first time with a girl(s) and then again with a boy. She thinks the second pregnancy will happen naturally.

I have no idea how, much stock I put into her energy feeling but the necklace was spinning when she held it over me and then would immediately stop when she moved it off….she said she’s never been wrong…..it would defiantly freak me out if she was right!

Alright the house is cooler now….back to bed!

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I’m out for this cycle. :sad11: I haven’t started AF yet, but I know I will today or tomorrow. I am super crampy…..different from how I’ve been all week, I’m AF crampy. My temps have taken a nose dive. Not just today’s, but the last several days and yesterday I had light pink spotting when I wiped, and I had another BFN today. I was very depressed about it. I called into work and stayed in bed all day with my feet up hoping that it would help make the cramps stop, but I still feel the :witch: coming today. I’m gonna try to sneak my way into my RE today to get my U/S to get a script for Clomid before we leave today for Lake Powell. I’m just gonna tell then today is CD 1 and I’m leaving tonight and hope they get me in. After that I’m going to the liquor store and am gonna buy then out so when AF does show I can drink away my self pity. I’m still a tad bit hopeful tat it won’t start.

I still have another 1 ½ hours before the office opens so I need to start cleaning my house so it looks decent for my BIL who will be house sitting for us. So I’ll be back in a week with a nice tan and a huge hangover!

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We got back from Lake Powell on Saturday. I have never been so glad to be home fro ma vacation before! I accomplished one of my goals…I have a great tan now, but I had no desire to drink while we were out there so all my liquor sits unopened in my fridge where I guess it will stay until our next party.

I would like to say I had a great time at the Lake and it was the perfect escape but I was pretty much miserable the whole time! I was so ready to go home after only a few days. On Friday before we left my spotting increased so I called the RE and first asked to speak with someone who can assign me a new nurse because I hated my old one. I felt really bad for calling and requesting a new nurse but Jennifer was a bitch. So I spoke the manager and told her my concerns and problems with Jennifer and she said no problem and told me someone named Amy would be in touch with my. Not 2 minutes later Amy called and I explained to her that I was spotting and we were leaving for a week and I was concerned I would miss out on this cycle. Amy was go great! She said that she would work me in to have my U/S done as soon as I could make it into the office. As soon as I got there she had me I the back before I even had to wait! With Jennifer I would wait up to 30 minutes or more before being called back. Amy was so great she took time to answer all my questions and made me feel safe. With Jennifer I always felt like I was a burden. I’m so glad I spoke up and changed nurses!

My U/S was fine, no cysts so Amy gave me my prescription for Clomid. On the way home I got a call from my Dad saying the police found his car! Whoever took it didn’t drive it far. It only had 6 miles on it. They stole the radio….which was weird cause it as a stock radio. But nothing else was touched! I was so glad to get that call! I felt like I was leaving for a week with everything working out.

We got up to my in-laws around 8pm and packed up the 5th wheel and the boat and then his in-laws decided to go to bed for a few hours and offered up their guest bedroom for us to sleep as well. I was a little irritated by that. I had been running around all day trying to get up there at the time they requested and we didn’t end up leaving for another several hours. If I knew we were going to be sleeping I would have rather slept in my own bed.

We set off around 1am for the 8 hour drive. DH and me in our truck pulling the boat and the in-laws in theirs with the camper. About ¼ of the way through my FIL started swerving and falling asleep at the wheel so I got stuck driving out truck, which was an adventure since I have never driven that truck before….let alone while it was pulling something! DH drove his father truck so FIL could sleep. My sister-in-law rode with me, which turned out to be very nice! She and I talked more In that few hours then we ever have before. I told her all about our fertility issues and she was very interested…asking the right questions, being very sincere and understanding which was nice. I was pretty sure since now that Claire knew what we were going though it was only a matter of time before the in-laws asked about it. But the weird thing was they never did. We were with them nonstop for a week and it never came up….in my family that would be just weird. Graham tried to explain how his family works by saying it is not there place to ask so they don’t. If I was a mother and I knew my child was having a difficult time I would be hurt if I was not included in it. Especially if the other side of the family knows what has been going on since the beginning. Oh well…I just have to work on trying not to let it bother me.

Every time I had been to Lake Powell before (a few time with just the girls and a few times with just DH and the dogs) I had a great time! I never got bored there was always plenty to do and see and explore! This time though I was bored after 3 days! We would do the same damn thing everyday. I would wake up around 6am to be able to go for a run before it got too hot. My SIL came with me for those which were nice. Once we got back we would wait around a few hours for whenever the in-laws would decide to get up and then make breakfast. Then we would go out on the boat. My FIL is a die hard fisherman. I didn’t realize how die hard until we got there. All we would do is drive the boat from one fishing area to the next. I was fine sunbathing and reading for the first few days but by the 3rd I was going out of my mind! FIL would stay out on the Lake until it was almost to dark to find our way back to the marina. He would ignore everyone who asked when he planned on going back in and he would drive us into the grossest water with the air filled with bugs and stay there for ever! Not fun for a girl on her period! I was trying really hard to be a good sport but I was going out of my mind! I have never had s/e of Clomid but of course this cycle I did so I was even more short tempered and irritable. I started getting really home sick and wanted to leave, but Graham seemed to be having a good time so I tried keeping my feelings to myself. One the 4th day DH and I still had not had one moment to ourselves outside of sleeping and I was getting really bitchy. While we were unloading stuff from the boat the in-laws were dragging there feet and riding stuff on the marine boards so I told DH that we should walk ahead and get the truck to load in all our stuff to take back to the camp site. DH said no lets wait for them. At that point I lost my composure and finally told DH how I was feeling and that if we didn’t get one moment to ourselves then I was gonna loose it. I wanted to cut our trip sort a few days but DH talked my into a compromise of going out to eat…just the 2 of us at the lodge restaurant. I didn’t want to make him resentful of me for impeding on his vacation so I agreed. I still had that longing to go home though. I started to get tat feeling that I needed to be home. DH told me everything was fine but something was eating at me that we needed to go. The rest of the trip I tried to put my feelings behind me and relax which I was able to do several times but when FIL would drive into those buggy gross spots and stay there for hours even though he wasn’t catching any fish I would feel myself stating to get irritated again. Especially when it was too dark for the rest of us to read or do anything besides sit there. FIL is a catch and release fisherman, but he was dribing me batty because 60% of the fish he caught he would gut hook then and make then start to pour blood out there gills! It was so sad. THe first fish he did that too ended up floating up to the surface a few minutes later. So FIL decided to have him for dinner. The rest of the fish he made bleed I didnt see come up to the surface after but I was still scarred into thinking that fishing was cruel sport.

The last day there I was about at my wits end. I was sick of sleeping in a tent (we could have slept in the camper but I needed my space from the in-laws to at least sleep) FIL that day decided to boat way out 1 ½ hour drive from any marina to fish in a area where is was blistering hot with lots of bugs and water too gross to swim in. So we all baked without any relief for hours. I was miserable. I stated to get a rash from the sun so I had to hide under my wrap, which of course made me hotter. I finally started prodding DH to convince his dad to head in and reluctantly he did, but he was not please about it. But the time he made it back to the docks I had a very itchy rash on my chest, stomach and arms. I was so ready to leave. I made DH help me pack everything up so we could leave ad early as possible. That night we checked out messages and my barn called to say that they had to call the vet for my youngest horse who got a huge cut on his leg that was very swollen. So now he is on stall rest and on meds for 2 weeks. After hearing that I was even more anxious to get home.

I’m making the trip sound worse then it was. I just need a little more then just sitting around for a week. If we had been able to do stuff on our own or at least something with a little more activity like hiking or more swimming I would have been fine. I love Lake Powel it is such a beautiful place. I will gladly go there again, just probably not with my in-laws.

Here are some pictures from out trip.

Entertaining myself after 7 hours in the car with dorky Self portrait's

Our truck and the inlaws boat.

Dh and I at Rainbow Bridge

Rainbow Bridge

Dh wake boarding

Me tubing (the only brave thing I decided to try I'm more of a beach bunny then a water sports kind of girl)

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I went in today for my 12 day follicule check. Again this cycle I have 4 follicules…2 on each side. None of them are big enough to indicate I am close to Oing though so I have to wait a few days and use OPK’s to watch for a surge. If nothing shows up by Thursday then I have to go back for another U/S. My lining is thin again….only at 6 so I have to start taking my Estrace again starting tonight to hopefully plump it up.

It was kinda awkward at the office today, Usually I go in get my U/S and then wait in another room to talk to what ever nurse is available well who would walk in to talk to my but the nurse I just requested not to have be my primary nurse Jennifer! :oops: I couldn’t believe my luck. Jennifer was my nurse for 6 months and not once did I meet her in person. I had only talked to her over the phone. I felt really guilty for asking to switch. I’m pretty sure she was none the wiser that I had requested a new nurse, but I still felt bad. In person she seemed a lot more compassionate, but I still would take Amy over her any day.

For my last IUI the office wrote on me sheets to bill my insurance. I was fairly certain that I do not have coverage for fertility treatments but I figured what the heck! Well today I went in to find a bill of 660 for treatments that were refused by my insurance company. Bummer. I really did not expect them to cover anything but I was hopeful. Oh well. We are already poor…what’s being a little poorer. Graham work has a side account set up where he can put a portion of his paycheck each month to go towards medical bills that is untaxed so we’ll just use that. It is just bad timing, this week we are going to be hurting for money. Graham is salary but I’m hourly and I did not have enough vacation to cover the time I was off for Lake Powell, plus we have emergency vet bills from my bonehead of a horse getting hurt while we were gone, and the horse are due to get their hooves trimmed now too. That doesn’t cost that mush but it is just lousy timing.

I just have to keep thinking things happen for a reason. All these obstacle we can handle.

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NO surge today. Sad So that means another u/s for the morning. Hopefully I will be ready. I tell ya...it's not the IUI's that are gonna break me....it's the darn u/s's. :roll:

Send me some big follicle vibes!!

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My body hates me…or maybe I really pissed off some higher up because I cannot catch a break! Two of my follicles have disappeared. They aren’t quite sure what happened. On Tuesday they were 1.4, 1.5, 0.8 and 2.0. Now the 2 from my right side, the 1.4 and 1.5 ones are gone. I saw Jennifer again today and she said that they expect the follicles to grow 0.2 cm a day so they would be quite shocked if I O’d, but it is possible. There is fluid in my uterus indicating that I may have O’d already and I had a temp dip today. I am just so disappointed. I have been teary and upset ever since I saw they were gone on the u/s. It just isn’t fair that everything that can go wrong with me does. They sent me to the lab to have my progesterone and LH done to see if I did O. I should get those results In a few hours. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Jennifer said she didn’t think it would be worth it to do the IUI this cycle. I still do have 2 other follicles. One that is a decent size and one that is so small it probably wont do anything. But If I already O’d I may not realeaser that other egg. She said to go ahead an BD tonight and tomorrow in hopes that if it does release then we can catch it but this cycle is pretty much a bust. Jennifer said that next cycle they will have to monitor me closer, which will of course cost a lot more, but at least we won’t miss anything. Infertility sucks. :cry:

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I am so ready for a decent night sleep. All of my friends at work know what’s going on with me, so I had to repeat everything that happened today several time and each time I would get teary. Crying takes a lot out of me. My poor patients must think they were being taken care of by a basket case! One of my patients was in for a miscarriage so she and I talked for a long time about the battles of TTC. I didn't really tell her my stuff...just listened to her talk and let her know although I have not experienced an m/c I understand her since of loss. As weird as it sounds it was nice talking to her and hearing about her struggles. It makes me feel so less alone in this battle.

I got my blood results back from my LH and Progesterone and according to that I have not ovulated. :shrug: I’m not even close to surging. So they are stumped as to why my follicles have vanished. They said that I have to come back in the morning for another u/s and see what is going on. I’m glad to hear that I have not O’d yet. At least that is some good news. They think that tomorrow they’ll be able to trigger me to get the remaining follicle ready to be released and we can try an IUI on Saturday. I don’t know what is going on, but hopefully in the morning everything will be clearer.

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My U/S today went alright. Still nothing on the right, but the one of the left looks good. It is at 2.5 so I was given my trigger shot to take later tonight and we have an IUI scheduled for 9:45 Sunday morning. I also have a smaller follicle on that side but it was so small I didnt even ask what size it was since it is pretty obvious it wont do anything. I’m not feeling all that optimistic about this IUI but at least I haven’t missed anything.

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I have been reading other peoples journals and some of them are so well written and are actually fun to read. I was thinking about mine and it seems every post is my bitching about something negative. I had decided to change that and try to put a more positive spin on things but I'm bitchy again right now (more so then usual) so this is not the post where I start. :roll:

Its 2am the morning of IUI # 2 and I can’t sleep. I don’t feel good about this cycle at all. Part of me wonders if it is even worth it. All day yesterday I was so depressed and angry. I don’t necessarily know what from. I stayed in bed most of the day. I worked a night shift on Friday night so I wasn’t completely lazy. I did get up for a bit to go to the gym and the barn but I got really nauseas and ended up going back to bed. I have been so angry with my DH. On Friday morning he slept in so we were not able to BD. Like I said before I worked a night shift that night and have to leave the house by 6:30 so I was irritated that he wouldn’t wake up since odds were I would not see him that night. He woke up and as he rushed out the door he promised me he would be home early so we had time. So I get my stuff done for the day and then lay down to nap before work. 5pm comes and still no word from DH so I decide to shower and get ready to go until he shows up. 5:30 and still no word from DH so I start dinner so I have something to eat at work. Finally at 6:15 he comes strolling in the door. I was so furious with him! He says we have plenty of time (way to give yourself credit, honey :roll: )I tell him I am starting to feel like this is a lot more important to me then it is to him and he says….I think we both know that! :shock: That just about leveled me! I was so hurt by that statement. Right then my FIL showed up at my door since him and DH had plans to go pick something up for my SIL. That made me even more mad…we had time to BD my ass! So I pack up my dinner and leave.

I am so hurt by what DH said. I hate that I am under this time constraint. Normally if he felt that way I would back off TTC. I do not want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to have one. He says that he wants kids just he had it in his head it would be a few years down the road. Well, I originally wanted that too but time is not a luxury I have. I have given up so much and have had this take over my life and DH acts like I’m going to a hair appointment instead of a doctor apt. I feel like I am at a cross road and I may end up getting to a point where I might have to choose between being a mother and being a wife. Some times Graham is so great and other times he is so hurtful. I just don’t know what to think. His thoughts on this change so frequently I cant’ keep up

DH has a subscription to some porn site. I know about it and I do not mind in the slightest but today (or I guess yesterday really) I was using his lap top. When I went to the internet and pushed that little arrow thing by the address bar to find a recently viewed webpage to pull up goggle, and what would be the last webpage he looked at Friday night but his porn page. I asked him if he did and he said no he was just looking for material to use to get his sample for the IUI. I’m not sure if I buy that or not. If his count for the IUI is low because he was busy masturbating instead of BDing with me then I am going to be livid!
This is too expensive (and stressful on me) for him to be fucking around sabotaging our efforts.

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Another thing that is bothering me is I am having severe O pain from my right side. This is weird because we all know very well after this week that my follicles from my right side are gone and we are doing this IUI today based off the one follie on my left….just something else to add to my list of things to complain about this week. I was so busy bitching about my DH in my last post that I left out actual symptoms that are out ther making things more difficult. :oops:

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I got up early this morning and decided to run one last time before my IUI. I have this lake close to my house that I like to run to. I’m a chicken to run by myself I have been trying to talk DH into getting me a dog I can run with. We already have 2 dogs but neither of them can run with me. One is a Yorkie and the other is a Rottie. My plan was to run with Lola, the Rottie, but when she was 5 months old she was diagnosed with bilateral elbow dysphasia and OCD in her shoulder. She had surgery to treat it and has been fine since, but I’m scared running will cause unneeded stress on her joints. I really want to get a Boxer but so far DH cannot be persuaded. Usually I wait to run until later when I know more people will be around but today I decided to see if Lola could keep up. To run to the lake, around it and back is a little less than 5 miles. I figured Lola would be able to run maybe half of it before we would have to stop and walk the rest, but she kept up with me for almost the entire run….and so far she doesn’t seem to be hurting from it. Yay! Now I can actually run with her when it is cool enough not to pass out from the heat. I’m so glad I went running, that was exactly what I needed to renew my outlook on things.

The IUI went well this morning. We had to be there at 8 am for DH to provide his sample to be washed. My appointment wasn’t until 9:45 so after DH was done we walked to a grocery store that is near the office and got some fruit and a bagel to share for breakfast.

When we went back for the IUI the nurse was all ready for us so that was really nice that we didn’t have to wait a long time like last time. She was the same nurse who did my IUI the first time. When she introduced herself I told her that. She did exactly what I do when I have a patient remembers me from the baby classes I teach that I have to take care of and don’t remember. I didn’t expect her to remember us, but it was funny because as soon as she opened my chart she remembered me. My uterus is famous at that place! No one remembers my face but as soon as they see that I’m the girl with the severely bicornated uterus it all comes rushing back to them. That has happened to me 3 times in the past week. I find it kinda comical.

My follicles were on the left side and the nurse said I was looking good to have 2 nice ones. That made me happy. I though I’d only have the one tat was at 2.5, but my second one was a decent size a few days ago at 1.4 so that is good. This time around they had no U/S tech there to run the u/s so we were on our own. The nurse was able to get it into my left side though with no problems. I could really feel it so I knew it was positioned correctly. I also started having really strong O pain on that left side. :woohoo:

The only down side was DH’s count was lower this time around. Before the wash he had 50 million and after we were down to 6.8 million. They said for an IUI they like to see that post wash number at 10. (Makes me wonder if he really did use that porn the other night…) But his mobility was better this time around at 3+ and the morph was high too. So even though there were not a lot of them his swimmers were stronger, more normal and were traveling in a straight line. Hopefully one makes it there!

:kaos3: SWIM SPERMIES SWIM!!! :kaos3:

:bluesperm: :pinksperm: :bluesperm: :pinksperm:

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Nothing really new to report. I feel like a big dork being on here on the 4th of July instead of being out with friends or family. I had to work from 7pm -7am last night and then again tonight. I'm actually glad I have to work the holiday. DH has these friends from high school that he goes up and parties with every year starting on the 3rd and going to the 5th. I cannot stand his friends (not all of them, just these ones) they are the biggest Asshole-ist alcoholics I have ever met. Every time they are together they drinking. And they aren't even the fun drunks. They until the point of blacking out then they start doing stupid stuff and starting fights. Sounds like a fun group huh?

They drink so much and always have since high school. I used to live with these people back in college. I would leave for work and they would be sitting on the couch with a keg in-between them drinking one cup after another. I’d come home 12 hours later and they were STILL there. Still drinking 4 of them could cash a keg before a days end. One of the guys last 4th missed their big party because he was in the hospital with an enlarged liver and early liver failure. He was 24 and had already drunk enough to damage his body, but that didn’t stop the rest of them from still boozing it up.

It's weird though because they are all very intelligent people book wise. All of them are college educated. They all went to difficult schools and have Engineering and CS degrees. Two of them have their masters and one is working on their PhD. One of them just got a job at Boeing designing new parts for planes. They all do pretty important stuff in their fields that will help to make a difference later. But I can tell ya, I’m not flying on a new plane for a while just incase it holds a part that one of them designed on a hang over! They are the smartest stupid people I have ever meet. The only way I can stand to be around these people is if I'm super drunk as well and since I can't drink since I had the IUI it is good I am working, Then there is no arguing with DH about me not going up to hang out with him.

DH doesn’t drink like they do (anymore) but once he gets around them he morphs into the stupid frat boy (even though none of them were in a frat). I cannot handle watching him. So thank god for work! Well I gotta get going now….I promised a friend I would at least stop by her BBQ before heading into work.

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Nothing new going on. I am pretty sure I am not pg. I don’t know why. I don’t have any symptoms either way, but I just have that feeling. In fact I’m so sure that I’m not when DH and I went out to eat last night I ordered crab and a drink! :oops: In fairness to me I only had ½ lb of crab that Dh and I split and my drink was a strawberry sunrise (or something like that) it was a mixture of strawberry and pina coloda so there was not a lot of liquor in there. It was Yummy though!!! I feel a little guilty now even though I hardly ever eat shell fish or drink, so I’m pretty sure one time won’t hurt me.

DH and I also had a talk and we have decided that after my IUI’s are complete we are not going to pursue IVF. :sad11: I’m sad about it. Especially since I really doubt the IUI’s will work but it really is the fair compromise since DH does not feel completely ready. I will just have to leave my chances up to God to be a mother….makes me think I really should have gone to church more…or at all for that matter!

Alright, I'm going back to bed. It is 6am on a sunday morning. Since I can't run for another week there is no reason to be up!

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Still in limbo land at 9 DPO today. I hate the 2ww, I wish I could just find out now if I am pg or not. If I’m not I would like to get my life back on track, at least for another 2 weeks until we do an IUI again. I haven’t gone to bed yet so I don’t know what my temp is doing for today. Yesterday I slept most of the day. I have had the most miserable allergies the past few weeks. It sucks. The weird thing is I have never had allergies so I haven’t a clue as to what I am allergic to. I feel terrible at home and at work. If I was just allergy-y at home that would make since. I could chalk it up to developing an allergy to the cat, or the 2 dogs OR the house full of dust that I have been avoiding. But I feel like crap at the hospital too, where the air is filtered. I haven’t a clue as to what it is. Since I had my IUI I can only take Tylenol, Sudafed and Benadryl. Tylenol is a joke, the Sudafed only made me feel light headed and the Benadryl works, but it knocks me out. So yesterday I had a sinus headache that turned into a migraine. It was horrible! I took my 2 measly Tylenols which my migraine laughed at. So I took a Benadryl shut all the shades in the house and slept. I was woken by a phone call from my barn saying that one of my horses was acting colicky. I Freaked out and ran out the door to the barn. Bentley was mildly symptomatic….he wasn’t eating his hay but he appeared to be okay. I walked him for 2 hours, where he tried to eat the entire time…finally he pooped (a sign that his gut is moving) and I put him back in his stall where he drank water and devoured his dinner. Usually I’m really quick to call the vet, but he didn’t appear to be that bad…it looked more like dehydration then colic…and we are so tight on money I didn’t want to have an unnecessary 300.00 vet bill. Now I feel horrible that I was worried about the money instead of being sure he is okay. I stayed with him watching him for any signs of discomfort until the barn closed at 9pm. The Barn owner said they would check on him throughout the night, but I’m nervous that he got worse. I am counting down the hours until my barn reopens so I can see with my own eyes he is still doing okay. I’m sure he is….if he wasn’t I would have gotten a phone call, but I’ll feel better when 7:30 rolls around.

Here is my trouble maker of the moment.

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Sigh! I’ve started to dread posting on here because I never have anything good to talk about. I’m out for this cycle as well. :sad11: I have been spotting yesterday and today and expect AF to show in full force any day now. Same story…different month. At least now I can run and ride again.

My horse is fine too, just to update my last post.

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AF is defiantly here and I have been miserable this weekend with cramps! Friday I had to work from 7p-7a. When I got home I made Graham get out of bed and go walk around the lake with me. It was already way too hot to make the dogs run so we walked it. My poor Rottie, but the end of walk she was miserable. Every sliver of shade we walked by she would try to lay in cause she was so hot. We were walking for 2 hours because DH walks Slooooow! Usually it takes me 40 minutes to run around the lake and an hour and ½ to walk it. But my DH walks a record breaking 35 minute mile! After we got home I had great plans to stay up all day and just go to bed early so I didn’t miss out on my weekend. So I dragged DH to Home Depot to get stuff to stain an ass ugly bed DH’s grandma gave us for our guest room in hopes to make it look decent enough to use. Two minutes after walking into Home Depot I was done and ready for bed. So we get our stuff and leave. I was feeling kinda wimpy for having to go to bed at 1pm. I barely even worked last night. We had nursing students (first time I’ve ever seen Nursing students work nights) I was in the nursery which is where all the students wanted to be (I’m sure it was because I am so awesome…..it didn’t have a thing to do with the babies! :bigwink:) So all night I didn’t have to lift a finger. It was great! I just sat in my throne and charted all the info the students were giving me. I taught my student how to do the stuff I was supposed to get done and set her to work. The other students who wandered away from their own nurses I put to feeding and changing babies. The best part was, even though I only helped them if they were really screwing up they all thought I was great for letting them do so much!

So anyways I go to bed and then wake up at 2pm because there was a spider in bed with me!!! :shock: I freak out and DH comes a running. He tells me it was just a ball of hair when I pointed out the spider to him from across the room (and hiding behind the door). I’m not normally afraid of spiders but when it is in bed with me when I have only had 1 hour of sleep in the past 24 hours it grosses me out! I get cranky with him, because I am tired and on my period and I know I felt that thing crawling on me! So make him wash all the sheets before I will get back in bed! I must have been pretty bitch because he did it! :biglaugh: So I went and slept on the couch until they were done. I only got 2 hours of sleep before I was uncomfortable and wanting my bed again. But my DH had not yet washed the sheets so I just decided to get up.

Once I wake up in my sleep deprived state I get the brilliant idea that now that I know my IUI failed, I am going to drink! So we head to the liquor store and I get a couple bottles of wine. I had the whole bottle with diner! :oops: and then a friend calls to invite us out to a bar, I’m all liquored up so we go. When I’m drinking I like to smoke. I am not a heavy smoker but I enjoy doing it so I am praying that my friend has cigarettes. She doesn’t and no one else in our group smokes so I do what any stupid drunken girl would do. I bought them from the vending machine (I didn’t even know they had those anymore) for the bargain price of 8.75! Colorado has a statewide smoking ban so every time I wanted to smoke I had to sneak my beer outside without the waitress seeing me.

It was fun going out, despite the fact my lungs feel like crap today. But I paid for it the next day! I went to bed thinking that I was going to wake up at 6 and go running, Hah! I woke up at 8am PUKING! Ugh, it sucked! I haven’t gotten sick after drinking since I was a teenager but it had been awhile since I was that drunk. I puked every 30 minutes for 4 hours straight. My DH says it was because I smoked……I’m sure that’s it. It had nothing to do with the bottle of wine I drank before even leaving the house. :roll: I was hurting so bad, not only from the hang over, but because I was so crampy and I couldn’t hold anything down to help with the cramps! So I stayed in bed all day yesterday and most of this morning. I woke up today in a panic that I was late for work. I then realized I don’t work until 3 today so now I am trying to choke down a grapefruit because someone told me that Slim For Life told them that Grapefruits are a diuretic and they boost your metabolism. Stupidly I believe them. What I really should be doing is calling and going in today for my U/S to get my Clomid for this cycle, but I don’t have the energy to do it. Oh well. I’ll go in tomorrow.

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I started my Clomid yesterday. That is all that is really new on the TTC front. I think this cycle before my IUI, I'm going to go to a chiropractor and to get a message. One of the girls who I work with who is also TTC and has had 8 failed IUI's and 3 failed IVF's told me to get acupuncture as well. I don’t know if I want to do that but I might throw it in the mix as well...why not, right? I'm also taking some time off after the IUI as well. I'm guessing I will have it around the 28th. I am taking a week off work, but I have Jury Duty on the 1st. So I won’t be able to be a complete bum. I feel pretty confident that I will not be selected. I can handle one day of sitting around waiting to be interviewed.

I have been trying to keep myself busy in my 2 free weeks. I have been working a lot this week and trying to run and spend as much time with my horses as possible. DH is working a lot this week too. I actually have not even seen him once since Sunday!! He works days and has been pulling long days and I work nights. We don't even get to see each other in passing. I worry about his sperm count with him working this much (he leaves at 7ish and doesn't get home until 2 or 3...every day this week!) I told him he needs to slow down to make sure it does not affect it. I will get to see him in the morning though since I have the night off tonight.

Well –I need to get some laundry done before bed.

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I’m doing a lousy job keeping this updated. I’m trying to squeeze in a months worth of “normal” life before my IUI and I have restrictions again. Over the weekend I painted our guest room and stained the bed that DH’s Grandmother gave us. I am very impressed with how it turned out!! I have to do one coat of polyurethane and then it will be done!! I'm also very impressed with the color of the paint I put up. It was an "Oops Paint" from Home Depot that I got a while ago for 5.00. Now that I see it on the walls I'm wishing I would have used it in the bedroom we are saving for a nursery. There is no way to really duplicate the color though....oh well. Our guest will be happy with it! I also went out (much to DH's displeasure) and bought new bedding for the freshly stained guest bed. I’m hoping my Chandelier I bought on EBay will show up before my IUI so I can paint it. I’ll post a picture of the complete room when it is done.

All day today I have been trying to make an appointment to get my Acupuncture done before my IUI. I’m all bummed that it is not going to happen. The only times that are available are while I am working. I’m going to talk to my boss and see if she will let me out of work to have it done. But I am training a new girl so I don’t know if it will happen. I do have an appointment for a message tomorrow though! I am very excited about that!

I’m expecting my IUI to take place this weekend. Friday is what I am thinking but it might be over the weekend. I go for my u/s Wednesday. So we will see then.

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I had my massage on Tuesday. It was wonderful!!! I don’t know why I have waited so long to get one done. It was very relaxing. I was a tad disappointed with it though. I was expecting her to get all the knots out of my back and have it be more kneading, but it was more rubbing. Which was nice, but I wanted a little more. I think I need to get a deep tissue massage. Graham would LOVE this girl who massaged me though (not in that way you perv!) he likes a lighter touch massage so I’m gonna make him an appointment for Saturday. I’m gonna sneak me in my deep tissue while were there!

I also decided too call into work and get my Acupuncture done. So I did that today (or technically yesterday). It was much easier then I expected. The first part we talked about my life style and what I was seeking treatment for. They use the 5 Element Laws (Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Metal) to determine what is out of place. With me it was Earth and one of the other ones…I can’t remember which. The she explained what she was going to do and showed me the needled. They were tiny….very much hair like, just how the info sheet described them. They start first-timers with putting needles in your hands, arms, legs and for infertility in your stomach. Once I got on the table she checked my pulses in 3 different spots on my wrist and then decided to change her game plan. She said according to my pulses my body was way out of whack. The pulses are supposed to be stronger on my left side then on my right, but she could barely feel them on the left so she asked me if I was okay with doing a more aggressive treatment. She said they usually don’t do this treatment until you have a few visits under your belt, but she though it would be most beneficial to get me ready for my IUI. I told her I was ready for whatever. So she had me flip onto my back and then placed 50 or so needles all along my spine that were supposed to help certain organs realign. After the needles were placed she said it takes 20-45 minutes for your body to go back in correct form. With most needle placements they say they know when they hit the right point because you feel “Qi” (Chi- is how it sounds) but the treatment she was doing you could not feel that. Some people respond different. Some get cold where the needles are, some feel vibrations, some feel nothing but around the site your skin gets red. You have to lay with the needles in your back until that goes away. It took me a little over an hour! I didn’t think my body was that messed up! The weird thing to me was the organs that took the longest to respond were my heart and lungs….the only 2 organs that don’t cause me problems. After the needles came out I was feeling a bit spacey so she put 4 more needles in me…in my hands and on my legs to bring me back. With those I got a chance to feel Qi. That was weird! It was more jolting then I expected it to be. None of it really hurt. You could feel a poke, but it did not feel like a needle poke. I’m hoping it helps! I scheduled another appointment for Wednesday after my IUI.

I also went in today (now yesterday I guess) for my follicle check. Again this cycle I have 4 follicles. They are 1.8, 1.4, 1.3 and 0.83cm. They only think one will do anything worth while. My lining is crap though. It is only at 5.6…they like it closer to 9-12. I left the office with instructions to start my Estrace again and take my trigger shot on Thursday. Then later I got a phone call saying that my RE wanted to wait until Sunday to do the IUI to help my lining thicken. The doubled up my does of Estrace and I am to take my trigger on Friday now. Which is fine with me. I am going to a Baseball game Saturday with friends so now that my IUI is pushed back I can have a few drinks.

I took Friday off of work anticipating a Friday IUI so now I am feeling guilty and like I should go in. I found a girl to cover my shift so it’s not like I would be leaving my unit short, but still I feel bad. Part of me says screw it and take the day off because it would be good to take it easy before, but the other part reminds me that I have spent an extra 200.00 on acupuncture and massages and we could use the money. I wait it out and see how I feel come Friday.

Oh! Another cool thing I wanted to add…..when I was the RE getting my U/S today they had a pamphlet called “Acupuncture and Infertility” So I grabbed it to read while I was waiting. It said that 26% of people who used just fertility treatments to get pg were successful, BUT 46% of women who used Acupuncture along with their fertility treatments got pg!!! Those made me feel so much better about scheduling my Acupuncture. It made it feel worth it. Even if it doesn’t work I will feel better knowing that I did everything I could have possibly done to make my self successful….although I haven’t temped in a few days! I just haven’t felt like it. I’m all blah’d out of temping.

Oh! And one more cool thing that made my day. One of my good friends asked me to be her bridesmaid in her wedding! I am so flattered! I was not expecting to be asked. I had so much fun planning my wedding, and in the end graham and I got married in the Bahamas…where I didn’t have to plan a thing. So it will be fun getting to actually see one planned from start to finish.

Okay Off to bed!! :sleep:

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I just got home from having lunch with a few friends. We got pedicures after and that was really nice!! It has been a long time since I had one of those. Once of my friends is also having trouble TTC and is starting Clomid next month so we talked a lot about her plan and my experiences so far. I had my IUI today as well. It went well. Yesterday I made DH go and get a massage since he has been working 100+ hours the last few weeks and I was concerned about his sperm counts. The massage must have paid off because his count was good at 10 million! :woohoo: Everything else was good as well at 85% motility and 3+ for whatever the other thing is they look at that just needs to be above 2. . They checked my Follicles and there are 3 that are decently sized and the nurse said that it looked like we had the IUI timed perfectly. This IUI hurt a bit more then the others. Not while she was putting the catheter in, but when the nurse injected the sperm! Ouchy!! It was really uncomfortable. The nurse who did it was the same nurse, Sonja who I had for the last two. I was glad she was there. She is so fun!! She makes the experience better. I was the last IUI of the day so she let me stay lying down for as long as I wanted to. So we stayed for a bit and then went home and I lay down for another hour.

This cycle I had to give myself my HCG shot. The last few I’ve had a friend at the hospital do it but I wasn’t working when I needed it so the plan was to have DH do it for me. He started getting kinda squeamish about it so I did it myself. My poor DH got woozy from me giving it to myself! So much so that he thought he was gonna pass out and had to go lay down!! I don’t know what he is going to do when I actually have to give birth!

I’m sad this is my last IUI. I’m hoping DH will decide he wants to do one or 2 more. He has made that comment but not seriously yet. Well have to see.

Well I am exhausted! I am gonna go lay down for a bit!

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I had a good temp jump today so I know that I O’d yesterday. For some reason though my ticker is not showing my info from today. :roll: I was playing with my setting on it and must have goofed something up. Oops! I’m still having O pains and cramping so DH has orders to be home for some BDing tonight!

Another thing that I am doing this cycle that I forgot to mention is I am wearing fertility beads. One of my friends went to Africa years ago and brought me back this cool statue of women and her baby and fertility beads. These beads are blessed. You are supposed to wear around your waist and you are not supposed to let anyone see them but your DH while they are on. When she first gave them to me I though they were cool looking, but I didn’t think much else about them since kids were not in my plans yet. So I put the beads around the neck of my statue and have had her sitting on my kitchen counter as decoration ever since. The day before my IUI I was chopping veggies by the statue and saw the beads and figured...why not? So I have put them on and won’t take them off until I get AF or my BFP. I figure every little thing helps.

I went wedding dress shopping with my friend today. It was fun! She found a beautiful dress that looks like it was made for her. It was originally a 3300 dollar dress and we got it on sale (and then talked them down a bit more) and bought it for 450! :woohoo: She looks fabulous in it and the best part is that it needs almost no alterations! Just a bustle added. I am so excited for her wedding. It was sweet seeing my normally down to earth friend get so excited. It made me want to get married again…still to my DH of course!

Here is a picture of my friend in her dress. This picture does not do her justice!!

pretty huh? Biggrin

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Things are going great! I’m trying to keep myself as stress free as possible. I’m only temping when I feel like it which is nice! I actually have to stop and think about what CD I’m on. That’s a big change, I’ve always known for 2 years exactly where I was at. It is so relaxing not worrying about it. Hopefully it makes the 2ww go faster. Yesterday I slept almost all day and just work up to go and have my Acupuncture done. After Acupuncture I had to go to the hospital to teach the baby class I do, but after that it was right back to bed. And now today…when I need to sleep since I go back to work tonight I can’t sleep. :roll: I even took a Benadryl and still I’m wide awake!

I have exciting news to share. My friend had her baby today! :woohoo: A Little boy! I am so happy for her!! A lot of people ask me if it is hard for me to be around pg people and newborns (especially since I work on a mom/baby unit) but it honestly isn’t, I am always truly happy when someone one who wants a baby is able to conceive. That is truly a miracle. Just because I am unable to doesn’t mean that I harbor feelings of jealous towards those who can. The only time it gets difficult is when we see the dead beat moms. A few weeks ago we had a 20 year old girl come in and have a baby. After her delivery she took the baby to the Nursery and told her nurse she was gonna go smoke (something we allow our smoking patients to do, even though we be better advocates for the babies health) this girl never came back from smoking. She left AMA and left her baby there!! You would thin that was shocking enough, but it turned out she had done this twice before with her other 2 children. That sort of stuff makes me think the world is a bit unfair, but for the most time I am happy for other people. Although I was unable to go to her baby shower because I didn’t want to get emotional while we all were there for her.

The hard part of my friend having a baby is that I want to bring her in a gift when I go into work today and that means I have to go into Babies R’ US and that always makes me a bit sad.

I better get to it though.

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Nothing really new going on. I have just been working the past 2 days. Work is going fine. I've had to repeat the same thing about my IUI over and over again though. That’s the down side of people knowing that you are doing fertility treatments, but at least I have more people praying for me.

One of my patients was really sweet. We take care of Antipartum (women having problems with their pregnancies) patients on the postpartum side. Some of these patients can be in the hospital for a long time. One of my patients has been the hospital about 5 weeks so far. She and I have a great relationship and spend a lot of time socializing. While I took time off she asked one of the other nurses where I was and someone one told her. When I came back she told me she had been praying for me. That made me kinda teary. Here is this woman who has been stuck in a bed for weeks and is having to deal with her unborn child being very likely not to make it and here she is sparing prayers for me. She is just amazing! I was pretty touched.

I'm also very excited because my work schedule finally got changed around so now I am only working 3 days a week!! :woohoo: And I get to go to full-time nights! I am so excited! I never though I would be a night person, but I love the shift. We are still pretty busy at night but it is so peaceful. All the lights are off; there are only a quarter of the people milling around...almost NO visitors! The nursing group is a younger funnier crowd...and we get paid more! My new schedule starts Monday so I am happy!

I've also decided starting today I need to start improving my diet. I can't run or exercise per orders of my RE, so naturally I think that means I can eat what ever I want. :roll: In the past several months I have gained 10 lbs!!! :shock: If I actually get pg then that’s not a big deal since for me weight gain in the first trimester will be a big part of carrying out a successful pregnancy, but if it doesn't work I am just a fat lazy girl who can't say no to ice cream. Overall I eat healthy. I don't eat fast food or fried foods. I LOVE fruits and veggies and only eat whole wheat, but I just can't turn down the sweets. Lately I have been giving into every craving. So I'm starting fresh today and going cold turkey on the sweets. Hopefully just that alone will help me loose a few pounds. I’m also gonna be a better dog owner and take my dogs for more walks. Of course this means I have to start getting up earlier but its worth loosing a few hours of sleep not to be a fat ass!

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I had some spotting over the weekend. Of course bells go off in my head that maybe it was implantation spotting. It was very slight just a little when I wiped….twice and then no more. I’m trying not to let myself think too much of it, but naturally now I want to test. Several months ago I bought a shit load of OPK’s and HPT’s online. I used my last OPK’s this cycle and I have 1 cheapy pg test and 2 First Responses. I’m gonna force myself to hold out even if it kills me. I’ll le myself wait until 11DPO and then test everyday until AF shows or I run out of tests, but no way am I buying anymore tests just to pee them away.

A while ago I bought some pg books from Amazon. They were dirt cheap and finally arrived about a month ago so I’ve been reading them. Really, no good can come from me reading these books. Now I am hearing about symptoms that I have never heard of before….like vivid dreams and excess drooling. Did you know those were symptoms?!?

The past few nights I have had very vivid dreams. I even had one where I work up so pissed at my DH that he was lucky he wasn’t home! I dreamed that DH my BIL, his skanky GF and I were drinking at my house when someone brought up the idea to have an orgy. I was really drunk so I agreed. Then one of the boys (my BIL or DH, I can’t remember which) recommended we switch partners so I would sleep with BIL and DH would sleep with the skank. I woke up so pissed at DH for sleeping with that slut (even though I was just as much in the wrong sleeping with his brother). I went to work that night still pissed off and talked to a girl at work about it who laughed at me for being so mad! It was only then that I remembered it was a dream and could let my resentment for DH go! :biglaugh: Last night I had a dream that I was in Harvard (which was really Hogwarts from Harry Potter) and we had this history assignment where we had to find all these cursed trinkets. Each part of the assignment ended with someone getting eliminated. In the first part I won the tasks. We were in this hotel room going through all this dead girls stuff and I put together the clues and found all the pieces. While doing so though I upset the dead girl’s ghost and one of the girls on the other team was left to pay the price. She didn’t die but was seriously spooked and ended up being eliminated. Then her team was pissed at me and was out for blood. Even though it wasn’t my fault, it was strange.

Then today I was eating a drum stick ice cream (yeah, I remember I was supposed to go cold turkey on the sweets, but obviously that didn’t work) I took a bite of the hard chocolate shell that covers the ice cream and felt all the chocolate melt down my chin. I went to wipe it away and it was all drool! Gross! I’m pretty sure that had nothing to do with being pg. It was more that I am such a pig I was salivating at the thought of the ice cream, but in the back of my head I wondered……

The books I got are pretty good. I was looking for something not so clinical since I know all that stuff already. (or at least the basics that the books teach you) I wanted more fun reads so I bought both of Jenny McCarthy’s books, Belly Laughs and Baby Laughs (I wasn’t so impressed with them. She tried to be funny and cleaver without actually hitting the mark on either) I also got Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your miracle makes you miserable. And I got my DH Pregnancy Sucks for Men. I doubt he will ever read it but I wanted to see what kind of advice they give men. I started the Pregnancy Sucks book last night and I laughed my ass off! It is so funny and cleaver! Don’t let the title scare you. It is very well written.

Well I better go do something productive before work. My new schedule starts today! :woohoo: I’m looking forward to my 3 day work week!

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I had exactly 3 HPT's in my bathroom cabinet. I am now down to one. :roll: Those suckers are not safe to keep in the house!! From now on I'm not buying any until I am at least 14 DPO.

Obviously they were BFN's otherwise I would be posting something different..... My first one though, an internet cheapy did show a slight line, but that was 20 minutes later....I didn't count it as anything because I don't think it was. My First Response I took today was a blazing BFN.

I really hope I hold out until Sunday to take the last test. Who wants to take best I don't make it! :biglaugh:

I have been feeling crampy on and off the past few days. Nothing so far today though. FF says I average a 27 day cycle. Cd 27 is today, although AF is due tomorrow. I have the feeling I’ll start tomorrow night while I’m at work. That’s usually how it goes. :roll: I’m hoping work is slow and I won’t be needed tomorrow. I always think in the back of my head that if I lie down and wish AF away it will work. Although, if I’m not pg then I’m not pg. Nothing can change that. I just have to learn better acceptance.

I am sooo sleepy today! I really should just go back to bed but the damn phone keeps ringing! I’ve worked Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday I was so annoyed. I got off work at 7am, but didn’t get out till closer to 8am. Then went to the barn and got home and into bed around 11:30. Then the phone rang! It rang again at 12:30 and then again at 2:00…and AGAIN at 3:30. My friends and family know better then to try to call….it was the damn Disabled American veterans looking for donations. WHY do they have to call 3 times??? I gave up trying to sleep at that point. Then yesterday, my day off I again went to the barn after work and got to be later. The phone calls kept coming. I forgot I told a friend I’d help her shop for something sexy to wear for her fuckbuddy. This is another nurse I work with. Normally I do not condone cheating. I have even ended a friendship over one of my friends cheating on her DH with his best friend, but in the RN’s case I make an acceptation. She and her DH have been married 15 years. The only time they had a normal sex life is when they were TTC. They went through fertility treatments and ended up with identical twin girls. Since the girls were born, 11 years ago RN and her DH have had sex only 3 times. The last time was in 2000! So it has now been 6 years with nothing! No kissing, no handholding…no nothing. It is not for lack of trying on her part. He keeps telling her he is not interested. She gave up trying 2 years ago. They get along fine…they never fight go on vacations together and have a good time and do family stuff but there is no sex. I feel for her. I cannot imagine staying married to my DH if he wouldn’t touch me for that long. Now she has taken up a friend with benefits. She and this guy have no relationship outside of sex. There is no emotional connection. All their encounters have been in a car! That’s kind of funny to me. She is 39 and having sex with another man in her minivan! Last night they were supposed to go to a hotel together for the night. I generally stay out of it but she needed an alibi, and I was promised a free dinner. I cannot drink so I watched RN tip ‘em back until it was time to call her adulterer. He was at work and was supposed to leave, but his big bosses showed up so we had to wait until he called back. Finally at 1am he said he couldn’t make it and RN finally let me go back home. I was so sleepy since the lat 2 days I had a combined 3 hours of sleep. I don’t know if that makes me a good friend since I kept her company or a terrible friend for allowing her to use me as her out….

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Sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t work out. AF started yesterday, I am so disappointed. Its funny cause I thought doing all the extra stuff would make me feel better if Af showed…..like I did all I could so I wouldn’t have regrets but in reality it makes me feel worse. I did everything perfectly and it still didn’t work! I feel so…I don’t know the right word…forgotten about or like there is no justice in the world or I really pissed someone off. Today at work we had a woman come in at 33 weeks whose form of birth control was elective abortions, she had 7 of them. She admitted to using Meth twice a day throughout her entire pregnancy. And even though the baby was in distress and its heart rate was dropping she refused to comply with anything the nurse asked her to do to help the baby out. She just didn’t give a damn what happened to this child and was planning to relinquish it. It was a bad day for me to hear about her. Why is it possible for someone like that to have no problems getting pregnant and then there is me who really wants a baby and I may never get to be a mother and experience a pregnancy and childbirth. It is so unfair. I have been questioning my faith these past few days. On Thursday I started spotting so I knew AF was coming. I just don’t understand why God does these kinds of things. Why give children to the scum of the earth but for those who are willing and wanting to have then struggled so much? The kind of God I thought I knew does not do those sorts of things. So now I am left to wait for a miracle from a God that I’m not sure I trust anymore.

Thursday night my DH was making me angry too. I was very teary. And all Graham could say was “I’m sorry” It really made me angry. It made me feel like he was just Joe Blow on the street instead of my husband who was experiencing this with me. I felt like I was going through all these emotions alone. It made me sad.

It is so weird because just 3 days ago theses last 8 months that I have been going to the RE seemed like a life time. Now that we are done using modern Medicine to conceive I feel like it was too short of a time and I didn’t really give it a chance. I am hoping to convince DH of doing an IVF in 3 months. I have to get me MMR booster because I am not immune to measles or mumps (even though I have had the booster several times) I need 2 different shots and because it is a live virus they recommend not getting pg for 3 months. I’m going to use that time to get back into my pre TTC weight and to work my butt off to come up with any extra money I can to get closer to the 16,000 I need to try an IVF. I feel like IVF is my answer. I will hate myself if I don’t try. DH thinks it is a lot of money, but people pay that much for a car without blinking an eye all the time. How can I put a price on my child? I’ve given up too much to let it end so soon. Hopefully DH sees it my way.

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It has been so weird not doing anything this cycle. It took me all the strength I had not to call the RE and start on Clomid again to try one more IUI. I have been pretty emotional lately. I keep having dreams that everyone around me is getting pg. Last night I dreamt that my older sister got pg and was trying to breastfeed her baby but would pull the baby off every time it latched on saying it wasn’t nursing right and then would give it a bottle and put it in a dog cage when she was done. I kept trying to help her (my sister) and she would say what do you know? You aren’t a mother. It was horrible. It seems like every where I look there is something having to do with being of or starting a family. It is hard even to watch T.V. Last night DH and I were watching last season’s episodes of Scrubs and I had to make him turn it off because one of the Characters gets pg. I though I could handle it but she had one line that said “It’s been 2 months and I’m still not pg. This is so unfair.” We stopped it at that point. Try 2 years sister, and see how that feels! :roll: A few days ago I was working in the nursery, which I was fine with, but it was a slow night, so all the other nurses were hanging out with me too. The conversation turned to kids and they stated taking about soccer practice and after school functions and what a PITA they were and I had to leave the room to stop myself from crying. I know they didn’t realize what they were talking about would be upsetting, but it was. They are taking for granted something I may never be able to experience.

Every year for work we have to go through Abduction and Solace training so we know what to do in the event of an infant abduction and we are taught the proper etiquette for taking care of a woman who lost her baby. In Solace we are taught that people who loose their unborn child or people who suffer through infertility are not only dealing with the present pain, but they also grieve the future. I never really understood that until now. I’m sure it gets better but right now I don’t want to hear about what a pain in the ass it is to sit on the bleachers and watch your 5 yr old play soccer. I don’t wanna hear about how you don’t miss sleepless nights staying up with a fussy baby and I don’t wanna hear how your teenager is driving you crazy this week. Those people are so blessed and they don’t even realize it. They all say to me I know how hard this is for you, but they really don’t have a clue since they never had problems. I feel very bitchy because I want to snap at them and say that. I want to say you don’t know how I feel so quit trying to act like you do. I don’t say anything though. I hate that I have become such a miserable person, even if it just in my head. I feel very alone and empty. I try to hide it from everyone though. I feel like it is not fair of me to bring everyone else down just because I’m upset. I think my front is working pretty well. Either that or every one sees right through it but is humoring me. Who knows…..

I have to go out with my MIL today to go to the Parade of Homes. I think I’ll go run to clear my mind so I can put on a happy face before she gets here.

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A Talk With My Unborn Child

These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's brown eyes and your daddy's ears and toes.
When my eyes are closed I think will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a grandma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my big empty nest.
I guess God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life he hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without. We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven Sent from up above

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Since I have been unsuccessful in TTC and I feel like my home is very empty DH finally agreed to let me get another dog!!! This makes 3 for me. We have a Rottie a Yorkie and now a Boxer! I know 3 dogs sounds like a lot....especially when you consider also have 2 horses and a cat, but they each serve a different purpose and I have enough love for them all! Mainly I wanted another one though so I could have a dog to run with since my Rottie and Yorkie lack the endurance.

We got Dorian from a Boxer rescue and he is just as sweet as pie! He belonged to a woman who was a HUGE alcoholic and was unable to care for him. I cannot believe someone would give him up. He is so smart and respectful and not a minute of trouble. He is 3 so he is the perfect age to become my running partner! He needs to gain a little bit of weight and has a bit of an under bite, but other then that he is healthy!

The other dogs just love him! He fits right in like he's been here his whole life! My cat on the other hand is very unhappy with me, but she doesn’t like any of the dogs anyways....poor girl! But she'll get used to him.

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I’m sitting here wide awake at 5am with a HUGE urge to test. I’m 12 DPO today, but that is just going off of when I’m guessing I O’d based off of O pain. It is Cd 28 and my normal cycles are 27 days and I have no signs of AF. I do have a tender ovary though! This week at work 2 different girls came up to me and said they had dreams I was pg. One said I was expecting twins and the other said that I didn’t find out I was pg until I was 4 ½ months along cause I continued to get my periods. I know I am not 4 months along since I had been having several u/s the past few months, but it was weird that they both had dreams about it.

Graham told me last night that one of his old high school friends is expecting a baby. This guy’s wife is really sweet, and has wanted a baby for as long as I’ve known her (since high school). Graham told me he felt jealous that James was going to have a baby and we couldn’t. That was the first time he had ever felt that. Made me feel a little better that he felt that.

Lately I have been very jealous of people around me who have kids or are pg. I hate that I am feeling that way. Thankfully I am not jealous of my patients, but other friends and family. I have become such a terrible friend….Jen, my friend who had a baby a month ago has been asking me for weeks to come up and have dinner with her and her Dh, but I have canceled on her several time because I just an not ready to see Connor (her baby). I hate that. I should be happy for her, but instead I can’t even face her. She is being great about it though, she went through infertility as well so she completely understands. I just feel like a bitch and a terrible friend.

I just spent a minute rereading my journal and I have decided not to test. If my cycles stay true to form then I should start AF sometime tonight. I usually start in the evenings anyways so I will wait until Sunday to test if I don’t start before. I’m sure it is just late since I am running more now.

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Well, still no AF today. Yesterday I started spotting so I figured AF was moving in, so last night I put in a tampon before going to bed (I know, TMI, but deal with it!) This morning there was nothing on it. I’m not counting on that to mean anything except that now I'm officially late. I still plan to hold out testing until Sunday. I would not be at all surprised if AF started today. My max LP is 14 days so if I can make it past that then I will feel better about testing.

On Sunday we are going to Arizona for a few days. Grahams Company is based out of AZ. They also have offices in Colorado (where we are) and New Mexico. They are flying everyone out to AZ this weekend for a company picnic. It should be fun. We are going to a lake and they are renting us jet skis and boats. Although, I am whiter then white since I though summer was over so I’ll be blinding all those AZ natives! I better start applying my sunless tanner now.

It is a pretty small company so there won’t be a lot of people there…maybe 20ish. I am a little worried though because DH just hired one of his friends, Ray, to be his assistant. I used to be really good friends with Ray’s wife, but then she cheated on her DH with his best friend (I think I mentioned this in another post) and I lost all respect for her and could no longer be her friend. My Dad cheated on my Mom when I was younger. I do not tolerate cheaters. I think that is so disrespectful. Since then the couple has managed to work things out. Cheri moved out for a while, she moved in with some other guy (not the one she slept with) and now the 2 of them moved back in with Ray….yep that’s right. It’s the husband, his cheating wife and her “we’re just friends” boy friend. The whole situation bothers me. Over the weekend they invited us to go camping with them (to which we declined) but I guess as soon as they got there Cheri and Kyle (the “just a friend”) disappeared and went off camping…alone. Tell me that doesn’t sound fishy….. Cheri swears to Ray that nothing is going on, but I know for a fact that Kyle is head over heals for Cheri. Poor Ray just takes it.

I haven’t talked to Cheri in over a year but since Ray now works for Graham they will be going to AZ with us. We are only going to be out there for a few days. Sunday Graham and I are flying out early to meet up with some friends who live out there. Monday we all with be at the Lake all day and we all fly back out Tuesday, but not until late. I think our flight leaves around 9pm. The guys will be doing meetings and work stuff all day so that means Cheri and I will be hanging out… Alone! (Da-daa-Dammm!) That will be interesting and a bit awkward. My plan for Tuesday is to go to Ikea. We don’t have Ikea’s here in Colorado so I am completely infatuated with it! That is the only reason I agreed to go to AZ. in the first place. So if I have to hang out with Cheri at least I will be able to be doing something I enjoy…shopping! Who knows though, maybe things will be fine and I’ll end up having a great time with her. If AF shows I will just plan on being drunk the whole time anyways so it won’t matter who I’m with….the drunk me always has a good time.

I’m gonna sneak out now and go shopping for cute clothes to wear out there (against DH’s request (Shh! Don’t tell!) I have to hurry since it is already 11am and I still have to go for a run, go to the barn, finish painting my guest room so I can move a bed into if for my Dad who will be house sitting for us and take a nap before work tonight. It really is a shame that I’m to lazy to get earlier starts… :roll:

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The bad news is AF started. Sad But the good news is I just got home from running 5 miles! :woohoo: it felt good! My new doggie came along and he kept up the whole time. It was nice. I need to get my butt in gear and get healthier. I weighted myself this morning and had a bit of a shock. I am at my heaviest weight :shock: Well, I’m a pound lighter then my heaviest weight. I’m at 123.5. I know that doesn’t sound like too much, but keep in mind I’m only 5’0!: So I need to loose these extra lbs I packed on while going through my fertility treatments. I would love to loose 20 lbs, but if I loose 12-15 I’ll be happy. Hopefully by Christmas I’ll have them off.

Now I gotta go pack. We’re heading out to Az today so I can look like a fat beached whale in front of all Dh’s coworkers! Fun! :roll:

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Well, I made it through the trip, but just barely. The first few days were a lot of fun. Sunday we went out with some people who were friends of friends. I was a little nervous on how that would go since I feel shy when I’m first getting to know someone, but it was a lot of fun. They are both artist (very good ones) so they took us to their studios and showed us their stuff, then we went out to eat and out to a cool bar for drinks. It was a good time. On Monday we went to the Lake and Dh’s company rented us boats and jet skis and took us out. It was a good time. This was the first time I had to be around Cheri but it was fine cause I was drunkity drunk drunk and there were other people around. We went tubing and water skiing, I was so sore the next day from playing so hard. We all went out to eat afterwards at a very fancy steak place and then Cheri started getting on my nerves. Actually it was one thing that she said that really got me irritated. We all were talking about having a company ski trip in Colorado when it starts to snow and Cheri says I can’t go snowboarding this year. I ask why and she says very matter of fact, “Because I will be pg next month.” I say Oh and just leave it at that. I haven’t talked to Cheri in over a year but I know she knows about my fertility problems since Ray knows about them. I was very irritated that she showed so little compassion and she was so damn sure that she will get pg the first time she tried. Just another shitty person having a baby, It is sad really because she would rather go out and drink and smoke up then take care of her 3 yr old son now. Her poor son sees her as little as it is that he cries when she tries to take him from Ray…and now she wants another.

After she said that I don’t know if she got more of an attitude or I was just overly annoyed with her but she became a princess. At dinner she threw a fit because we were at a steak restaurant and she claimed she was a vegetarian (despite the fact that she ate meat all day the day before :roll: ) she complained about her meal. The table we were sat at was one of those half booths. Half chair tables and there were 15 of us so they wanted to put all the tables together. Made since to me. It was a business dinner they should eat together as a group. But the Princess threw a fit about that too. She said How are we going to get out to go to the bathroom? So I told her if it is tat big of a deal to her go sit on the other side. But she didn’t and they did move the tables. I was annoyed that she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and then ordered a pricey appetizer as well as a dessert and then complained about it all. Granted the company is doing well, but it is a small company, They didn’t have a lot of money. I always order conservatively when they are footing the bill and I feel others should too. Maybe that is just me though….

On Tuesday the Princess and I had to hang out together while the guys did business meetings. One of the Az guys had arranged for us to go to his wife’s barn. She runs a boarding facility and they had graciously offered for us to go there, but then Princess throws another fit saying “I ain’t going to see no horses” I swear this is how she talks….the thinks she’s a gangster. :roll: She says “aint no one making me ride a horse” So I say no one is going to force you to do anything. If you don’t want to ride you don’t have to. But she was being so nasty and throwing such a fit that we didn’t end up going. We went to Ikea and to their mall. By the end of the day I had my fill of her bad attitude s owe went back to the office to wait for the guys because I really could not take another second with her. The boys finished up their work and then we all went to the airport where I learned that DH offered to drive Ray and his princess home. I was not too happy about that. After we got off the plane Dh and I were walking slowly to wait for them and Cheri kept walking slower trying to loose us. My Dh is a bit oblivious so I was like fuck it, and started to walk at my normal pace. Dh got irritated with my and said “are you guys competing to see who can be the bigger bitch? Then I was down right pissed. I told him that I spent all day trying to be nice to her and she had an attitude all day. I know Ray was his friend but when they are purposely trying to loose us walking I’m not gonna keep waiting for them so after we got our checked bags I left all three of them and walked to the car alone. I will admit at that point I was being a bit childish but I didn’t care. I had my fill. Once Dh talked to Ray and to me about Cheri’s attitude he apologized to me and said he didn’t realize what I had to put up with. I will defiantly come up with an excuse not to go to the next company outing if she will be there…

Once we got home we got some bad news too. Dh’s friend who we just found out was pg had a miscarriage. My heart just breaks for them. I feel so horrible now that I was ever jealous. I know Heidi wanted a baby so badly. James was not quite ready. He is still trying to live the frat boy life but he told Dh that it was the saddest day of his life when they went in and saw no heartbeat. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I hate that they have to go through this.

Hearing about their miscarriage lead Graham and me into a great conversation. We talked about our fertility and Graham told me how badly he wants to have a baby and how he feels like a failure as a husband because he cannot provide one for me. That was hard to hear. I always felt like I was the failure, not him. I am the one with the fertility problems not him. Medically from his side things are great. He said because he cannot provide the 16,000 needed to do IVF he felt like a failure. It was a painful conversation but it was good because all this time that I have been feeling alone so has he. I use this board, running, my friends and family and my horses as an outlet but Graham is so buys working and is so privet that he bottles it all up so he has been so stressed. I haven’t told Graham that I keep a TTC journal. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel like I wouldn’t be as honest and open with my feelings if I was worried he would read this and get upset by something I was venting about. I did end up telling him about it and told him how much it helps. I told him he should try it was well. The amenity of it is so nice. It is nice to know there are strangers out there that I am venting to that I don’t have to feel silly about exposing too much of myself to because they are strangers. He said he has often though about coming on the boards and sharing his feelings, I told him that is a great idea. I felt very silly first coming on here, I never saw myself as a message board type of person, but it is like therapy. It is so nice being able to share and hear about people who are experiencing the same thing I am.

I don’t think I would want to read Dh’s journal if he ever made one but I really hope he does to have a place to sort out his feelings.

On a happier and less bitchy note...I was a good girl and ran twice while I was in Az… 5 miles each time! So :woohoo: for me! I havent gone today yet though....I really should but I bet I won't sinceI'm a whimp and it it too hot out right now and I have to work tonight. Guess I shouldn't have ate that burger from Burger King for lunch. :oops:

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I have nothing to report on the TTC front. I have been toying with the thought of using some OPK’s this month, just to see. I have to go grocery shopping later so maybe if they are on sale I’ll get some. My sister wants me to make a cake for her DH for his birthday tomorrow. I have also been craving chips and salsa so I think I’ll make that too and bring it to my BIL’s b-day party. When we were in AZ our artist friends took us to a Mexican restaurant where they used sweet potatoes to make chips and they were soooo good!! I normally don’t eat chips (I know that’s weird. I also don’t eat French fries either. They just don’t appeal to me) But those sweet potato ships were so yummy! Plus they are so much healthier then normal potato chips I was reading through my Runners World last night and low and behold they had a recipe for making them in the oven so I think I’ll try that out.

So I’m being a very lazy slug today….granted I worked last night and have only had 5ish hours of sleep I just can’t get myself moving this morning, or I guess this afternoon since it is almost 3. Last night was kinda a slow night at work which was nice. I was so sleepy. I really have no reason to be. Last week I only worked 12 hours and this week because we went to AZ I only worked another 12 hours so it’s not like I’ve been working too much. I really need to go run. I hate running when it is hot out though and although it is overcast and not hot out it is still almost 80 so I am using that as an excuse. My dogs could really use the run. Last weekend DH and I planted some trees in our backyard and one of the rotten dogs keeps digging up one of them! I don’t know which one is doing it and I’m worried that because they have exposed the root ball several times my poor little tree won’t make it. Although, I guess I’m not that worried since I’m on here instead of outside trying to cover it back up. :roll: Now that I’ve said that I feel guilty for my poor baby tree so I’m off to save it!

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Out of difficulties grows miracles

Obviously my poor little tree is gonna die out there…. I got stated reading posts and it got me thinking. So many people out there seem so much stronger then me. I admire those able to find peace with their infertility. I hope some day I can do that. I have also come to terms with it (more or less) but it gets hard when I look into the future and now have to face the fact that biological children of my own may not be there.

I also knew it would take me a while to have children. I had no reason for thinking that, I just knew it and I guess in some way prepared myself for it mentally so when I actually heard it come from the RE’s mouth I wasn’t as shocked. I am okay with it taking a while. I’m not a very religious person but I do believe everything happens in Gods time. I am not okay, however with it never happening.

I know my future won’t be a childless one. At some point we will look into adoption. Although I would love an adopted child just as much as a biological one it makes me sad to think that I will be missing out still. I really want the whole experience of becoming a mother. I want to experience all the morning sickness, the little movements only I can feel the bond that is created between a mother and child before it is even born. I want to see the look on my husbands face when I give birth to a little miracle that is a part of both of us and I want to strengthen the bond my baby and I would share through breastfeeding. I know that you can breastfeed an adopted baby, and although I have no problems with others doing it, it is just not for me.

I have been thinking a lot about the title of my journal and it has always not sat well with me. 25 and infertile? I will not be 25 and infertile. This sounds so silly but my mother always told me (or was it my father?) “Think positive and positive things will happen” accepting that I am 25 and infertile is in no way positive so I am changing my title. One of the other girls posted a website with a t-shirt that said “Out of difficulties grows miracles” I find that so inspiring. I will get a miracle, some day.

We just take it day by day (and some time moment by moment) and keep trying to be optimistic.

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I just got home from running. I had a sucky run today. I think I’m coming down with a chest cold. I had trouble running more then ½ mile at a time today and I am starting to get a productive cough. Blah! I hate when I have to force myself to run. But half way through the high school track team started running at the lake too so I forced myself to run the rest so I wouldn’t get showed up by a bunch of kids! Now I feel like I need a nap. :biglaugh:

Yesterday I had an awesome run. I try to run 4 miles a day, around a lake close to my house and back. It usually takes me 45-50 minutes. I’m not a fast runner, but yesterday I did the whole thing in 30 minutes!! That’s less then a 10 minute mile!! :woohoo: I was very proud of myself!

Nothing exciting happening on the TTC front. Today is CD 11 which is good. I have to work the next 2 days, but I should be home on the nights close to O. I am feeling a lot of ovarian pain, well not really pain but pressure and cramping. Hopefully that is a good sign. I really need to pick up some OPK’s to see if I am Oing on my own. Hopefully I’m not too tired to stop and do that tomorrow on the way home.

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Nothing new to report…I never have anything new to report anymore. DH has been working crazy hours lately. Today is Wednesday and he has already worked almost 50 hours. So I’m sure his sperm count has gone to shit. :roll: Oh well. I should be Oing soon so we’ll be BDing anyways…I’m making DH stop on the way home and get some OPK’s sine I’m being too lazy to do it myself. He didn’t even put up a fuss when I asked. I was pretty shocked about that. He has a strict no tampon buying rule so I didn’t think he would like buying OPK’s. But he will…..what a good guy!

My horse hurt himself yesterday while escaping from his stall (the bone head) so I spent a large chuck of my day icing his swollen leg I really should go run but since I really haven’t slept today after working all night I don’t have the energy. What I need to do is go take a shower and wash off the barn smell and then start dinner.

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So far no BFP on the OPK’s. I’m still waiting to test for today. I work up this morning in a panic and ran out the door cause I work up late and forgot I had blanketed my horse and I didn’t want him get too hot. I spent 3 hours at the barn and figured I could test when I got home, but I haven’t had to pee yet since I work up! That is totally weird! I drink tons of water….that’s all I ever drink is water. Usually I’ve peed a million times by now, but not a drop. I must be a bit dehydrated from increasing my running. I really don’t think that today’s will be positive either. I have had a faint line for the past few days that is getting slightly darker each day, so I would guess sat or Sunday it will be positive. Which is good. I have to work tonight so we wouldn’t be able to DTD anyways….

Well, off to drink more water!

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Aw Crap! I got a BFP on my OKP! I totally wasn’t expecting that! :shock: I really hope DH can make it home before I have to go into work tonight…..

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Today was a terrible day, well yesterday actually. It started out okay. I worked the night before, then slept, ran, went to the barn and then we went to a going away party for DH’s cousin who is moving to the Cayman Islands. We were at the party 3 or 4 hours and came home to a horrible discovery. Dorian, our new Boxer killed my cat. I am so upset and shocked at the same time. My poor kitty. What a horrible way to die. We took her body to the vet to be cremated. I had so much trouble filling out the paperwork. I threw up twice while doing it. I just feel so horrible. I feel so guilty for wanting to bring an older dog into the house just so I could have someone to run with.
We were very diligent it trying to find a rescue Boxer who would do well with Georgie. Dorian showed a lot of interest in her, but never aggression. We never had any indication that he would do this and in the few weeks we have had him I felt like they were adjusting fine. I wish I knew what triggered this. . I don’t know if this was an accident or if he brutally attacked her. He has seemed to be such a loving dog it is hard to see him attacking her, but all evidence proves to the contrary.
I have no idea what to do with Dorian now. The rescue will take him back if I asked them too, but I am having trouble deciding what to do. He is a great dog, but now I don’t trust him in every other way he was a great fit into our family. I worry that he might attack something else…..not another dog or a child, I don’t see him doing that….but then again I didn’t see Georgie getting killed by him either….but what happens if he gets a neighbors cat? I am not a person that gives up on an animal. I use to think all issues could be resolved. I have a difficult time seeing me sending him back to a shelter. But I have never been in this situation either.

Please say a little prayer for my poor kitty Georgie and for me to find the best course of Dorian.

Lavender444's picture
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Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 03/27/03
Posts: 1944

I have good news! My Boxer did not kill my kitty.

After Georgie died I was very upset. I wanted to give Dorian the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident and he didn’t maliciously attack her. I made it through the weekend, but I was unable to even look at Dorian, let alone be in the same room with him. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep him or not but I knew I couldn’t think clearly with him here so Monday I called the breeder and asked them if they would take him back for a few days so I had time to breath and think. After telling the owner of the rescue what happened she told me “I know this dog did not do it.” It had to be someone else. I KNOW it was not one of my other dogs, but the owner was very quick to say it was probably the Rottie. It was not Lola. We had Georgie long before Lola and Lola has grown up with her. She then said if it was Dorian it had to be an accident. She said when dogs go to kill they go for the neck, Georgie's only mark was on her side. She told me that they would take him back, but she though I should sleep on it before making a decision. I agreed to do so.

Graham parents had adopted a dog that killed their cat the day they brought the dog home. My FIL witnessed it all and they said that this dog just shredded their cat. There was a lot of blood and it was very obvious that this dog was going in for a kill. Graham has another friend who had a stray kill their dog and they said the same thing….lots of blood. Georgie had no blood on her or anywhere in the laundry room. She only had that one cut, which to me didn’t look bad enough to cause her death. We were beginning to think that this was an accident. Maybe Georige was running and Dorian chased her and grabbed her too hard. It was weird though because Georgie would hide in the laundry room. We have hardwood upstairs and it is really easy to hear the dogs coming and going down the stairs so it seemed weird that she would have put herself in a position to even be caught.

Early the next morning the owner of the rescue called me back and told me she couldn’t sleep thinking about this so she had called the women who relinquished Dorian to find out if he has ever been aggressive around cats before. This woman bounced Dorian from home to home and one of the places he was at was a farm with lots of barn cats and chickens. Never once did he hurt one. Again the owner said something else must have happened. She suggested another dog from the neighborhood, which is not unlikely since Georgie was strictly an indoor cat. Or maybe something else cut her, Again I wasn’t sure about that especially since she was covered in slobber. But she stressed again that if Dorian did do it and wanted to hurt her there would have been more bite wounds and maybe the slobber was because he found her already hurt and licked her in attempt to revive her.

I didn’t know what really happened but I had decided to give Dorian a bit more time and told the owner I would call her if I changed my mind. After getting off the phone with her I went to the laundry room and looked around to see if there was blood I missed or if there looked like there had been any signs of a struggle…there wasn’t’. One of the walls in our laundry room is not finished so Georgie had been climbing up there and sleeping. I thought maybe Marita was right and climbed up on the washer to look for any nails that might be sticking out. For Georige to get up to her hideout she had to jump on the washer then onto the water heater then up to the wall. I looked around for anything in her little perch and couldn’t find anything that looked like it could hurt her. As I was getting back down I placed my hand on the water heater and something sharp poked me. I looked down and there was this small pipe. It looked like a straw with the ends welded together and sure enough there was blood and hair on it. Poor Georige had caught herself on it as she was jumping down. It was way too high up for Dorian to have any part in her getting cut by this….it was just an accident. The vet confirmed that the pipe punctured her lung which caused her to die. Dorian did find her and as Marita said he licked in attempt to revive her.

My heart still aches for Georgie. But I am so relieved that it was not Dorian that hurt her.

Lavender444's picture
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Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 03/27/03
Posts: 1944

Holey CRAMPS! :ouch: They woke me out of a very deep sleep. That is just great…now tonight at work not only will I be crampy, but I’ll be sleep deprived and nauseous too. Sad

I really need to go run today too. I just signed up to do my first 5k, The Race for the Cure, on Sunday. I’m not worried about not being able to run it all, since it is only 3 miles, but I’ve never done a race before so I wanted to run just to keep my jitters down!

What a great time for my heating pad to stop working. :roll:

If anyone wants to support me for Race for the cure you can see my page at http://www.raceforthecure-denver.com/site/TR?px=1303638&pg=personal&fr_id=1020&s_tafId=5332

I appreciate any donations!

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