Out of difficulties grows miracles
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  1. #1
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003

    Default Out of difficulties grows miracles

    Hi I’m Amber I just turned 25 two days ago. I have a wonderful DH, Graham who is also 25. We have been TTC for 24 cycles. Someone suggested to me to start a journal. At first I didnt want to but the more I though about it the more it sounded like a good place to vent so here it goes.

    When I was younger I always though that I didn’t want to have kids. I though being an Aunt would be enough but once I turned 20 and was in a serious relationship my thoughts began to change. In 2001 I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor. If you are going to have a tumor in your brain this is the one to have. Mine doesn’t do too much. Every year I have to have tons of blood work done and an MRI to check what it is doing, but so far it is just hanging out so we just watch it. I was told at my first apt, with the Endo who follows me for my tumor that I may run into problems when I am ready to have children. At that point I was not ready so I didn’t give it much though. But slowly the idea of children of my own started sinking in. I have more school I want to complete but my DH and I decided to start “not trying, but not not trying” so I went off BCP. After a few months of that we started getting more active in trying. I told myself in the beginning I would not get worried until I was finished with school and settled in our careers before we got really aggressive. That helped keep off the pressure but after a year I was concerned. I work on a mom/baby unit and for being around so many pg women I was surprised to see how many of my fellow nurses have fertility problems. I watched one of my friends go through 8 IUI’s and 3 IVF’s without ever getting pg. I got scared and decided to see an RE. I am very lucky because the clinic that was just voted the best fertility clinic in the nation is in my town. I made an apt and was thinking that we would go through the testing and learn everything was fine and then be able to keep trying without pressure. Well that went right out the window!

    The first cycle with my RE we did all the routine stuff……FSH, HSG, Post coital, SA’s, u/s…… A few years ago I had an ovarian cyst and I learned at that time that I had a bicornated uterus. I am one of those people who look up everything to know everything there is to know about my conditions. Since I work with OB’s I was able to get lots of opinions on it, most came back as it was no big deal. I was excited (maybe excited is not the right word…) to get my HSG done so I could see exactly what my uterus looked like. Bicornated uteruses are described as “heart shaped” like someone took their thumb and pushed in the top to make it indent a little. So that is what I was expecting to see. What I saw though was nothing like that. My uterus is far from normal. It looks like a very deep V. A P.A did my HSG. She looked very concerned so I asked her what she thought. She said from her experience women with uterus like mine were not able to carry a full term pregnancy and I would require surgery to get it repaired. I broke down crying right there!

    My RE though did not seem as concerned. He said an HSG is not a great indication of what is really going on. There as a possibility that instead of being bicornated it could have a septum (a normal uterus with a thin layer of tissue growing down the center), which is easily removed and I could go one to have a healthy pregnancy. If it was a true bicornated (which he said most women are not) then there is noting that can be done. There is a surgery for it but the risks greatly outweigh the benefits and most doctors would not even consider it an option. I felt a little more at ease…especially since one of the pg.org girls just had that surgery to remove a septum a few months prior and I could lean on her for support. So my RE decided to do a hysteroscopy to see exactly what was up there, so to speak. The hysteroscopy was fairly uncomfortable but was over quick. Dr. Surrey was not happy with what he saw. There was indeed a very deep V to my uterus. It was so deep that he could not see it all. The bottom part looked very promising to be a septum so he gave me 2 options. The first, to go in and have a lap done so he could look at it from above and below to determine what it was. If it was a septum then it could be removed at the same time. The second was to have an MRI. I opted for the non surgical approach and went with an MRI. The MRI showed that my uterus was defiantly bicornated. I was pretty let down about that. I have taken care of women that have spent most of their pregnancy on strict bed rest in a hospital for months! I have seen the tiny preterm 28 weekers that have such a huge struggle to get well and grow up healthy. I know no one ever thinks they will have nothing but a routine healthy pregnancy but for me knowing exactly what kind of battles lay on the other side was nerve wrecking! I was even more nervous that Dr Surrey would tell me that it was not in my best interest to carry a child. But he never did. He told me there is no reason we cannot proceed with me getting pg. I needed to keep a realistic approach on things and understand that I may end up on bed rest and I may end up with a pre term baby, but there are also women out there (not a lot but a few) with uterus similar to mine that go on to have no problems and have big healthy full term babies!

    Unfortunately we also learned some more devastating news at that appointment. There is a new test that is out called an AMH (Anti mullerian hormone) which is still very new but they think that it is able to tell you exactly what the ovarian reserve is. They want the results to be 1.01 or greater for you to ever to be able to have a child. Most women have levels of 2 or 3 and as they age the levels drop. Most of the drops do not occur until the mid forties and women get closer to menopause. My results though are 0.94. My RE told me we needed to start getting really aggressive with our treatments because he could not tell me how long I had to have biological children. He said he would like to see me pg within the next 6 months. After that 6 month mark I may not be able to have children at all. Usually I am a pretty emotional person. I cry when I get frustrated and angry, I cry when I am happy and when I am sad but this news did not stir up emotion. I was shocked. I learned this when I was 24, my fertility is not supposed to be an issue at 24! The clock is not supposed to start ticking yet. My DH was with me when we learned this and he was there when Dr Surrey said he thinks IVF is our only option. I was pretty colleted during the meeting. It was like I had stepped out of my own body and went into nurse mode. I talked like I wasn’t talking about myself and my lack of a future for my second child. Dr Surrey told us to take some time to think about what we wanted to do. I asked if this was due to my tumor and he did not think it was releated. I asked what we would do in the mean time if we decided to wait a few months to come up with the 16,000 that we didn’t have to pay for IVF. I inquired about IUI’s and he said we could defiantly try it. He did not sound optimistic but he said we could try. IVF for us would not be that simple either though. Because of my bicornated uterus I cannot support multiples. So while doing the IVF they will only implant one embryo at a time. Previous u/s has shown that even with Clomid I only have around 9 follicles a cycle. Normal for someone in their 20’s is around 15. If you have 6 or less the odds of getting pregnant are slim to none. So because I do not have a lot of eggs available and the quality of the ones that I have are not great AND since they will only implant one at a time there is a good chance we would have to do IVF several time. But because my FSH is high Irun a risk of releasing multiple eggs, so IUI's ru nthe risk of having multiple babies, something that is not an option. So we went home with a lot to think about.

    In the back of my head I had always been picturing the worst case scenarios. So I was not too surprised to hear this news. Still shocked to have an actual medical professional who is the best in his field say it out loud but in some sense I saw it coming. Graham on the other had been blown away. I had been telling him about this for a while but he really didn’t get it until the doctor said it. He drove me home and we didn’t say too much about the appointment. When we got home he stayed with me for a bit then had to go to work. When I was alone I had a breakdown. I was so angry and upset. How could this really be what is going on in my life? I had always imagined myself with several children of my own. My life was going perfectly. I had a good job, and I was, after a mandatory 2 year wait list finally going to start the P.A (Physician Assistant) program in the fall. I had a great husband, our own home which we had fixed up and decorated how we wanted. I have 2 horses that are my life! We had just bought DH a new truck and had just landscaped our front yard. Everything was going so well. But now I felt as if everything was crumbling. If we had found out 2 months earlier about having to do IVF we could have been in a place financially to be able to make it work. Money would still be tight but we could make it work, but now all I could think about is the cross road I stood at. On one side was my life as I knew it and on the other side was my baby and I could not have it all. I decided that I can always go back to school later so I officially took myself out of the PA program. There was almost no way I could have finished such a rigorous program pregnant anyways…even if everything did go well. I have to keep the though in the back of my head also that I may have to sell my horses, although we are trying to make it work with me keeping them. It has been 2 weeks since we found out about my infertility. My DH and I have had a lot of struggles. Not just about having a baby but every aspect of out marriage was strained. It was only for a couple days but it felt like years and those days I was pretty sure I was going to end having to so this alone. Already in these 2 weeks I think our marriage has gotten stronger. I have my moments where DH can say or do nothing right and I think he has learned it is not him that I’m angry at.

    Although theses past few weeks have been so difficult and surreal feeling I am glad that I know about all this now while we can do something about it. I have had a few moments a month ago where I wanted to stop trying so hard. Stop temping and testing and stressing over my chart…just take a break for a year then try again. I am so glad I didn’t do that. That there was that little voice that kept me going. Otherwise it would be too late. DH and I have come up with out game plan. We have decided to try 1 or 2 cycles of IUI’s before moving on to IVF. if the IUI results in twins or more we will cross that bridge when we get there. I start my Clomid today and take it day 5-9 then go back on day 12 to see how my follicles are responding and how close to Ovulation I am.

    I am trying to stay relaxed, but I have huge knots in my back from stress…..I think I’ll go get a massage over the weekend. I’ve never had one before and I think I have it coming.

  2. #2
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003


    I promised myself I would try really hard to keep up with this, but I think the Clomid is kicking my *** this time around! I finished taking it 2 days ago and I have been pretty much worthless since. Tuesday I had to call into work because I had such a terrible migraine. I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed before noon all week either. I also have been so grumpy! I feel bad for the people who have to be around me. Several of the nurses at work yesterday asked why I was so cranky. Of course it was the few who do not know what I am going through, the ones who do pretty much let me be crabby. One of the girls I teach a baby preparation class with talked to me for a while about her difficulties with IVF. She had IVF twice with 4 embryos implanted each time. The first time none of them took. The second 3 did! She lost one at 16 weeks and now has 16 yr old twins. She kept telling me not to worry it will happen. So finally I told her all I have stacked up against me. I don’t know if people don’t hear what I say or if they are still trying to be optimistic but again at the end of our conversation she hugged me and said Just relax, there is no reason this can’t happen. Whatever. As much as I want to be a mother I have to keep myself realistic and I have to be aware of every possible outcome.

    Tomorrow is my follicle u/s check. I’m nervous that I wont have enough follicles or that their quality will not have been improved with the Clomid. I’m also worried about going through with the IUI. My DH had such a difficult time providing a sample for his first SA…what happens if he cannot give one for this?

    I keep thinking if I go running then I would feel better, hopefully today I will run to the barn before work but I’m ready to crawl back into bed!

  3. #3
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003


    It is 7am...that is very early for me! Especially since I was at work last night until 1:30am. One of my friends who is 28 weeks pg started having contractions at work. Luckily she started having them while at work. She is an RN in the NICU and I work on Post Partum. So she went to LD for a bit had had to have some terb. They decided she was not contracting but just had irritability and the terb stopped it, but I hung out to drive her home.

    Today is my u/s for my follicle check. I had a temp dip today and I'm feeling lots of O pain so I am very excited to go in and see what’s going on! I thought I would be more nervous but I'm not in the slightest. I feel bad for my DH though. Last night he had to work really late. He still has a lot of stuff to do at work today. I made him come home last night instead of getting it finished because there was a moth in our bedroom. The one thing in life that truly freaks me out is moths. So he had to come get it. I feel a little selfish now.... I'm hoping that we do the IUI tomorrow that way he can get his work finished today.
    Alright I need to finish getting ready; I am hoping to have enough time to stop for pancakes before I go in!

  4. #4
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003


    Well…I just got back from my ultrasound. It went well. While I was having it done the tech said I have 4 follicles. That made me nervous. I remember the RE saying that you need 6 or more to have a chance of conceiving so I thought this cycle was a bust. The nurse came in to talk with me and the first thing she said was…”You responded well to the Clomid” I was skeptical and told her what I was told about the number of follicles needed. She said that was for the reserves….I have 4 eggs that are going to be released! Which means I have a high chance of having Quads!! I was totally not prepared to hear that. Now I fully understand why the RE wanted to do IVF. There is no way I can carry 4 babies long enough for them to be viable. The nurse asked me if I wanted to proceed with the IUI’s. I decided I did want to. Since our time is so limited I want to be able to have at least one child. Every month that slips by brings me that much closer to never having children of my own. If more then 1 egg takes then well cross that bridge when we get there. That’s all I can take this all….just one day at a time.

    I left the office with a prescription of Estrace, which will help the lining of my uterus to be thicker (right now it is about 6 and they want it to be 8ish.) and with a trigger shot that I have to take tonight at 9:45 to induce my O. The IUI is set for 9:45 Sunday morning.

    I’m both very excited and nervous! I called DH to tell him about it and he is excited too. I was worried the possibility of 4 babies implanting would scare him but he seems okay with it.

  5. #5
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003


    It's now 10 hours until my IUI. DH is fast asleep but I'm up and nervous!! We went to dinner tonight with my MIL. The In-laws don’t know that we have been trying to get pg...Let alone that we are doing fertility treatments. I don’t know why DH hasn't told them. I'm not super close with my in-laws so I feel awkward talking to them about it…which is weird since I have had in-depth conversations with strangers for hours about the same conversation.. They are great people but we have nothing in common so it is difficult for me to talk wit them. So today when DH out of no where wanted to meet his mom for dinner I was sure it was to tell her about the IUI in the morning. All during dinner though, it never came up. We are going to Lake Powell with them in 2 weeks (the day we leave is when AF is due so that should be fun for me! ) All we talked about at dinner was meals for the trip. After we left DH said he couldn't figure out a way to bring it into the conversation.

    A few weeks ago DH was on the phone with his mom and some how they started talking about money and DH said we were saving ours for fertility treatments. His mom said "Oh" and then they moved on to another topic and it hasn’t been brought up again since. I think that is totally weird. My family knows everything that is going on and calls for frequent updates. DH is the oldest child in his family and this will be a first grandchild for his parents. I think it is weird that neither of them has brought it back up once that statement was thrown out there. It doesn’t bother me....I just think its strange.

    Last night I had one of the nurses at work give me my HCG shot. Now I wish I did it myself because my booty HURTS!!! It is so sore all the way to my hips and into my legs. I though once I had that trigger shot I would feel in increase of O pains but today it was not as noticeable. Someone at work was saying that your follicles on fertility drugs can get so big that they pop with a trigger shot! I had never heard that before but of course now I'm freaked out that all my follicles have popped. I’m sure they are all still there and are fine….especially since the trigger shot takes 36 hours to work

    It feels like the night before Christmas. I’m so excited and nervous and have no idea what to expect! I’m gonna try to force myself to get some sleep so I’m not completely worthless tomorrow.

  6. #6
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    Default Go on and be pregnanet!

    I had my IUI yesterday. Everything went well! It was even Fun. The nurse and the U/S tech were so nice and fun to have in the room. I had to have a U/S guided IUI due to the bicornated uterus. My right side is bigger so I asked them to go there. The nurse tried but was unable to get to it because my uterus is also tilted and was sitting far back…despite my Huge bladder! So they put the sperm in on the left side. She said not to worry though because they will go everywhere anyways. The actual process was a tiny bit painful, but not bad compared to some of the other things….more uncomfortable then painful really. The nurse said my cervix had a dark pink ring around it which indicated O was near so that was good. I never knew that happened before. I wish I would have taken an OPK yesterday and the day before to see if I actually O’d. I took one today and it was negative, but just barely so that leads me to think that over the weekend it was positive. I sure hope so. I wish I just knew my O date so I knew where I am at. Next week I go in again for a progesterone check. Hopefully that is okay and will give me a better indication. When we left the office the nurse said to us "Go on and be pregnanet!" Hopefully we are!

    I had taken today off of work just incase I needed to and I’m glad I did. I laid around and slept until 4pm! That was nice! Tomorrow I have to work a night shift so I will still have all day to be lazy and take it easy! I was surprised at how little restrictions you have after an IUI. There was one restriction that bums me out though…..I cannot run for 2 weeks. They said I have to keep my heart rate under 140. I am pretty disappointed that I cannot run. That is how I’ve dealt with stress. At one point I considered getting a heart monitor and trying an easy jog. Graham and I went to the Museum last week and they have an exhibit called the Hall of life. You can test your cardio, strength and flexibility on these machines. My cardio and flexibility were excellent. My heart rate during 3 minutes of running stairs was 126. So I’m now wondering if my heart rate actual goes about 140 when I run….I don’t think it does on easy runs, but its not worth chancing. I’ll just stick to walking for a few weeks. The dogs will be happy with that since I can take them with me while walking.

    I better get off the computer and start making dinner so it looks like I got something productive dome today before DH gets home!

  7. #7
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    I knew I would be really bad at keeping up this journal….really the only reason I am writing now is because I don’t want to clean the house like I’m supposed to be doing! So far thing have been going okay since the IUI. I have been so tired!! If I’m home I’m usually sleeping! I also have been really gassy! You’d think I have been swallowing straight air which the amount I’m expelling! Oh well, at least it is not stinky. I have also been really crampy since the IUI. I read on one of the boards someone’s RE told then that the crampyness was from the HCG shot so that made me feel better.

    I have still been longing to go running. I am being good and have stayed within my restrictions but there were a few days where I was literally on the verge of tears because I wanted to run so badly. That surprised even me that I would get so emotional about it. I have only been running about a year and before that I wouldn’t have ran 2 minutes if you paid me to. Now that’s all I want to do. My MIL told me that If I planned on running at Lake Powell to remember to bring my shoes. I had no intentions of running in 110 degree weather, but if AF does show up I’m gonna do it! Not one person on Graham’s side of the family is a morning person and I like to get early starts so I figure I’ll bring my running shoes along and see how much I can loose in water weight while everyone else is sleeping.

    I’m really worried AF is gong to show. Not only because my IUI would have not been successful but because it would just be my luck that the week I’m trapped on a boat is the week I really need to be near facilities. I have been to Lake Powell several time, but always with a group of girls so this experience will be a bit of a culture shock to me. My FIL is a die hard fisherman so there will be days where we leave early, get on the water and don’t come in until it is dark. The pack a lunch on the boat and use the lake to relieve them selves in….that is really gross to me! I have never been a pee in the pool kind of girl but the biggest obstacle I face if AF shows up is how the heck am I going to change my tampons?!? There is no where to do it on the boat outside of whipping my bathing suit bottoms down and doing it in front of everyone and I hardly see it working in the water. I’m just gonna have to be *****y about finding a bathroom from time to time. Another thing that the in-laws do that is weird to me is they bath in the lake as well. Now I ask you what is the point of that?!? The point of showering there is to wash off the lake…yet they are rinsing the soap off with the lake. Seem a little redundant to me…..I just reread this and I’m making my in-laws out to sound like hillbillies, which is totally not the case. Graham’s parents have a ton of money! Which is why it is probably so weird to me that they become so….primitive at the lake. Who knows…..maybe their messing with me and I’m just falling for it all!

    Alright I really need to clean and start packing. This is my only day off between now and when we leave on Friday night. My BIL and his GF are house sitting for us so I really need to clean and hid the stuff that I don’t want them to see.

  8. #8
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
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    Mar 2003


    Some one posted this on one of the TTC boards and while I did not write it I could relate to so much in it. I did removes some things that did not apply to me so the actual list is longer.

    What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

    That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
    That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

    That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

    That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

    That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

    That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

    That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.

    That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

    That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

    That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month

    That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

    That you have no control over some of the goals you set...

    That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

    That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

    That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

    That miscarriage is so common.

    That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

    That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

    That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.

    That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),

    That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

    That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

    That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

    That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

    That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

    That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

    That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

    That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

    That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

    That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

    That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

    That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.

    That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

    Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

    That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

    That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

    That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

    That infertility is more common than you think.

    That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

    That one day all of this will make us stronger.

    That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

    That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

    That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

    That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

    That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

    That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

    That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

    That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

    That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

    That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

    That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

    That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

    That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

    That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

    That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"

    That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

    That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

    That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

    That some people just say the wrong things.

    That a simple blood test costs $648!

    That sex would ever become a chore!

    That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

    That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

    That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

    That I would learn to speak in code

    That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

    That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

    That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

    That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

    That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

    That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

    That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

    That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.

    That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

    That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

    That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

    That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.

    That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

    That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)

    That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.

    That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."

    That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

    That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

    That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

    That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!

    It's good to know I am not alone.

    That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

    That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time

    That your body has its own mind.

    That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

    That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

    Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.

    That you feel useless as a female

    That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

    That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

    That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

  9. #9
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003


    I'm a having a really crappy morning! It started with me waking up at 3am to take my HPT and got a BFN. I know I’m only 9 DPO but it still bummed me out. So I went back to bed and just work up in a panic thinking that if AF does start while I’m out of town how the heck and I gonna do my U/S check and get my Clomid?!? So I call the office and leave a message of course the nurse who I HATE calls me back and is *****y and says there is no other options for me then to get it done when it is supposed to be or try a natural cycle. So now I’m worried that I will miss out of a whole cycle next month.

    THEN, I check my messages and see that my Dad called me yesterday. My Dad has come across some hard times financially and had had car trouble with every car he has owned for the last 5 years so for his birthday in April my 3 sisters and I pooled our money and bought him a car. It was nothing special but it ran well and was in good shape. Well, he called to tell me that yesterday it was stolen from work!! I just cannot believe it! We went through so much trouble to get him that car and it pulled us tight financially, especially with all the infertility treatments and then some *** just comes along in broad daylight and steals it!! Unbelievable!! Out of all the cars to choose to steal they pick my Dads, which I can guarantee was not the nicest on the block.

    I am just so depressed right now. I feel like just crawling back in bed.

  10. #10
    Posting Addict Lavender444's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003


    Ugh! It is way too hot in my house to sleep! I worked 7pm to 7am last night and then decided to go straight to the barn from work. I asked DH to be sure the AC was on for me since he sets it to turn off during the day. When I got home the house did feel cool, the Ac wasn’t running but it was cool so I thought he did. Now here I am with only 3 hours of sleep and up because it is too darn hot cause the stupid AC is OFF! Grrrr! Darn DH! I am going to be one cranky girl come tomorrow since I have to work another 12 hr night shift tonight. Then hen I went to temp I couldn’t get the stupid thermometer to work! I turned it on then put it in my mouth, and half fell back to sleep and the stupid thing wouldn’t beep! Do finally I look at it and it is turned off. Annoyed I turn it back on and try again…..again I either don’t turn it on or I turned it off before it started working so it doesn’t work. Luckily 3rd times a charm, but now I have already been up for 10 minutes fiddling with it in a sauna house with only 3 hours of sleep so who knows how accurate my temp is today.

    Last night at work Kristi, one of the other nurses came up to me and said “Take off your necklace.” Confused I followed her orders. The she made me lay down and proceeded to dangle the necklace above both my ovaries to determine if I was pg or not. She concluded that I was pregnant with twin girls. She said “I don’t know if they will both stick or not but they’re in there now.” She then took my hand and told me that I will be pregnant twice. The first time with a girl(s) and then again with a boy. She thinks the second pregnancy will happen naturally.

    I have no idea how, much stock I put into her energy feeling but the necklace was spinning when she held it over me and then would immediately stop when she moved it off….she said she’s never been wrong…..it would defiantly freak me out if she was right!

    Alright the house is cooler now….back to bed!

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