I only have a second to write…I am supposed to be sitting a in a mandatory staff meeting today about abduction and solace. I really don’t want to go. We talk a lot about patients with infertility and I don’t want to get teary at work since I have to teach a baby class right after.
Anyways, my FSH came back at 9.1, which from what I understood was okay but I guess they want it lower to get into a study so I am doing another Clomid challenge. I’m okay with that, anything to improve my odds.
I’ve temped two days in a row now! They are a little wacky but at least I’m getting back into the habit. I should just buy the VIP membership again....that is usefull when you are obsessing over everything little thing again.
I started my Clomid today. When I went to pick it up the pharmacist said ‘still trying huh?’ I don’t know how to take that comment…. I can’t decide if it was rude to say it like that or if he was just trying to make conversation. Oh well. Hopefully these next few days go fast.
I finished my Clomid yesterday and go in today after I get off work in the morning for my CD 10 blood work. Hopefully it comes back okay.
The Clomid has been kinda kicking my *** this time around. I'm taking 100mg CD 5-9. I don't recall it making me feel so crapy last time. One of my friends, bless her heart gave me a silver lining about feeling so lousy. She said that’s good you are responding different to it different this time. Maybe that means the outcome will be different. I never thought of it that way before so ever since then I have secretly been a little happy when I would get a hot flash or a wave of nausea.
One of my work friends had her baby yesterday. I am very excited for her. He is a HUGE baby...weighing 9-12!! She did not deliver at my hospital which I think helps me to not feel any jealously like I did when my friend Jen had her baby here last August.
I found this quote that someone posted on the Dealing with infertility board. The poster borrowed it from someone’s journal on here.... I don't know who so if it yours and you want me to take it down just let me know. I wanted to put it in mine so when I have bad days I can find it easily to help me through them.
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die.”? What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
2 more hours of work....hopefully it goes fast! I'm ready to get out of here!!
My FSH came back. Last Clomid challenge my FSH went from 13 on CD 3 to 7 on CD 10. This time I started normal (but just barely) at 9.9 and then went to 12. Very weird. My Re told me not to worry about it too much. My AMH came back at 0.77 down from where it was a year ago but not a significant amount which is good. My blood flow to my uterus was a bit compromised as well so he told me that was an easy fix with cutting out caffeine and chocolate. Giving up caffeine is no problem but the chocolate is harder. I love my chocolate but now I have a great reason to stop eating it.
So my RE said that we are still pretty much in the same place we were last year.
Unfortunately with how my FSH did with the Clomid challenge my Re does not thing that I would make a good candidate for any of the studies. He said that in these studies they give you a small does of the medication and my FSH indicates that I will need more meds to respond well. We asked about doing the study where they freeze the eggs since that study they are able to adjust the meds but he doesn’t feel that is a good shot because I didn’t have as many resting follicles as a normal person my age should so I would not have as many eggs to work with. Only 80% of the eggs that are frozen are able to be used after the months. One 60% of those will fertilize and then an even smaller amount make it to a blastocyte stage so he said at the end I could be working with only 1 embryo…he said though if we really want to we can get into a study but he just doesn’t feel like it is a good option.
Graham really wants to try one of the studies so I think we are gonna try to go that route. For this cycle though I asked if I could do an IUI to take advantage of the Clomid. The last IUI’s I did was only with 50mgs this time I took 100 so maybe it will help. The RE said that would be fine so we are going in tomorrow morning for a follicle check. I hope I get the trigger shot to take that night and then have the IUI on Saturday.
My u/s went well. I have 3 follicles that look good. One is really big….2.45cm they think that one might be too mature and might not do much. The others are 1.85 and 1.11 the 1.85 is the one that they think looks most promising. My lining is thin, again. It is 6.5 so I have to take Estrace again. We are going to do the Novarel on Friday. The nurse I saw today said to take it between 38-40 hours before the IUI. That is new to me. I have always been told in the past that it needed to be taken at 36 hours before. The nurse said though it is actually better to have the egg in the fallopian tube when taking the shot. I’m gonna try it out and take it earlier maybe it will make a difference. So my IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning. Please say a little prayer and keep your fingers crossed for me!!
I had a pretty big temp drop today. I’m supposed to be taking my shot now but I’m worried that I might be getting ready to O on my own. I worked last night and woke up not long ago. I already peed once and now that I want to do an OPK I don’t have to go. Not even after drinking 32 oz of water. I’m now thankful the nurse gave me a larger window for taking the shot. My OPK yesterday was not even close to O so hopefully I’m still okay….off to get more water.
I had my IUI today. The same nurse who did my last 3 was there to do this one as well. I was kind of glad because she is so super nice, but also I wanted another person to do it incase technique makes a difference. I’m sure it doesn’t. This IUI was also U/S guided since my uterus is so bicornated. They were trying really hard to get the catheter on my right side since that is where the 2 big follicles were. They had to insert and reinsert the catheter several times to get it placed correct. That HURT like a *****!!! I was almost to the point where I wanted to stop her and say I don’t care if it is on my left….just do it! But I didn’t because in the long run I do care…if the right side gives me the best shot then it is worth the pain. Now though my belly is super tender! Even to cough or sneeze it hurts and feels like it is going to burst open!
I stayed flat for about 20 minutes after and then got up. The nurse put me on progesterone this time around. Since it is IUI #4 she said it won’t hurt to be more aggressive even though my progesterone in the past has been fine. So I’ll start that tomorrow.
I get to test on Mother’s Day so hopefully that means we’ll have good luck!
Man! I feel like my uterus got a work out….it is so tender!! I’m assuming it’s because they had trouble placing the catheter. My Ovaries are still tender too. I’m taking this all to mean good things.
I’ve been taking the progesterone now. The first day I took it I was feeling like crap! I took it during the day since I had to work that night and I felt so crappy! I was shaky and dizzy and weak feeling. It was no fun. I couldn’t sleep and ended up having to call into work that night. Since then I’ve been taking it at night and haven’t noticed any problems.
I’m in the process of switching DH and my diets to organic. I don’t know if it will help but it certainly couldn’t hurt. It is expencive so we are only going organic for the “dirty dozen” fruits and veggies, dairy, eggs and meats. The fruits and veggies that contain the most pesticides and are considered the dirty dozen are Peaches, Apples, Sweet bell peppers, Celery, Nectarines, Strawberries, Cherries, Pears, Grapes (imported), Spinach, Lettuce, Potatoes. The ones that have the lowest amounts of pesticides are fine to by conventional is Onions, Avocado, Sweet corn (frozen), Pineapples, Mango, Asparagus, Sweet peas (frozen), Kiwi fruit, Bananas, Cabbage, Broccoli, Papaya.
Hopefully having less hormones and pesticides in our food will help.
My DH is so stinkin’ cute! A few days ago after BDing, I turned around in the bed and put my legs up against the headboard. I normally don’t put my legs up like that but I was thinking what the heck? It’s worth a try. So I’m laying there and my DH gets back into bed with my and puts his legs up on the headboard too! I looked at him and asked what are you doing? He said “Baby, we are in this together!” How sweet is that?!?
I read in someone’s journal that eating pineapple helps with implantation. I also remembered hearing on the news that fatty diary boosts fertility too so last night after tell DH about it he went out and bought me some frozen yogurt and a pineapple, Then he cut the pineapple up, brushed it with a little brown sugar mixed with vanilla extract, grilled it and served it with the frozen yogurt. It was so YUMMY!! And good for my fertility!
Nothing new to report. I have just been hanging out in the 2ww being *****y and eating everything in sight (Thanks progesterone!) Actually, I’m not eating everything just a lot of 3 things. I have been craving weird things- Ginger snaps, carrot juice smoothies (fresh carrot juice mixed with a plain non-fat yogurt) and lemons. I eat lemons with salty sprinkled on them anyways but the last few days I have been craving them overtime. I ate 2 lemons yesterday and so far 2 today. I’m pretty sure my teeth are on the verge of falling out now!
Last night at work I was so super cranky. I had 24 babies for just me to take care of with very little help from the other nurses. There were a few that were so spitty and gaggy they kept choking and had to get blow by O2. Then our NICU decided that this tiny 35 weeker was well enough to come out to the well baby Nsy. It wasn’t and required a lot of extra time and care. I was so irritated and negative feeling that I was seriously considering quitting my job and finding something less demanding. We are always understaffed at work any more and moral is down pretty low because the management just passed out nasty grams to everyone who had been late or early clocking in and out more then 3 times this year. Plus they are constantly harping at us about the budget and looking for ways to cut costs. That plays a big impact on patient care…hence why 1 person was staffed to take care of 24 newborns.
My friend Susan, who happens to be our charge nurse and I were talking and she convinced me that it was the progesterone that had be being so moody. She also suffered from infertility and ended up having twin girls. She said that progesterone made her feel the same way. So I guess I’ll stick with my career for a little longer at least. Too bad I was talked back into it- I was getting kind of excited at the thought of a change and a discounts at Banana Republic, Ann Taylor Loft, or Nordstrom’s. Although none of them would probably hire me since all my work experience is medical related and I wouldn’t be qualified to do sales.
I am so ready to be a SAHM.