I do not want to start my Clomid today. I am laying here in bed looking at that bottle and just can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared I’m going to be disappointed again this cycle or if I’m scared it is going to make me nauseated. I don’t know. The thought of it just makes me sick.
I have no motivation today, I had all these big plans to paint my bathroom, go running, walk the dogs, clean the house, ride my horse, go grocery shopping, do laundry and I can’t even get myself to get out of bed. It is 1:30 in the afternoon and all I want is to go back to sleep. So I think that’s what I’ll do. I just have to choke down that stupid Clomid first…..
I have done nothing but sleep these past few days. I rearranged my schedule so that I have 5 days off the next few weeks. I was hoping to use this time to be productive but it has not worked out that way. Yesterday I slept all the way until DH came home with dinner. I ate about ¼ of my dinner then went back to bed. It is now 9 am and I want to sleep more but I don’t want the only time I am awake to be when I am at work. I’m gonna watch Grey’s Anatomy online then I’m off to get stuff done…I swear!
I just got home from my follicle check. I have 6 follicles. 1.26, 1.16, 2.02 on my left and 1.15, 0.95 and 2.01 on my right. They think only the 2 that are at 2 will do anything. So tonight I take my trigger and then do another IUI on Sat morning. I feel better about this cycle. Today is my birthday so that’s gotta mean something good, right?
We had our 5th IUI today. I feel okay. Crampy and sore but okay. The same nurse who has done my other 4 IUI’s did this one as well. Right when we walked in she pulled me aside and said "Tell me the truth, you won’t hurt my feelings….do you want me to find someone else to do this?” I said no. I know it is not the technique and I really like her. I almost felt sorry for her while she was doing it. She just felt so bad for us that we were still here, still trying. I had 2 good follicles on each side so they didn’t have to do it u/s guided which was nice. So she could get in and get out pretty quick. My DH’s count was not great today. After the wash it was only 1.7 million….not so good but he was at 3+ and 85% so they are few but decent quality.
It is getting frustrating. I really hope I don’t have to go back in for a 6th IUI. I was teetering on looking for another RE group but then I read in the waiting room that Dr. Schoolcraft was just unanimously elected the medical director of The American Fertility Association. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medi...p?newsid=61720 That made me feel better. He is not only a fantastic RE, he the best in the nation. Anywhere else I go…even if we traveled we cannot find better. I just wish the best Re in the nation could get me pg.
Last night I had a dream that one of my friends who has been ttc for a while with me was pg. In my dream she didn’t want to tell me about it. We were at her house warming party (that she is having next weekend IRL) and it was a big conspiracy to keep it from me and that hurt my feelings. It was weird. I hope that when she does get pg again she will not be afraid to let me know. I’ve been looking through some of the old boards I use to frequent and it was a little sad to see people I first stated TTC with were working on their 2nd and 3rd kids. I think that is when the infertility becomes more real for me.
I won’t have too much time to dwell on my infertility these next few days. My sister is going through a divorce. She found out her husband has been soliciting sex from people he meets online. He has maxed out several credit cards buying memberships to websites and had given out their home address to strangers on the web. So she kicked him out. She was a SAHM and now is back to work and struggling to make the mortgage, pay the bills and put food on the table for her 3 boys. She called me on my birthday and told me that she didn’t have money to buy the kids milk for the weekend. When she called her ex he said he would not help out. I feel so bad for her. I cannot imagine what that is like. They are in the process of selling their house and they had a septic problem that she doesn’t have money to get fixed and her dead beat husband will not help with. My sister is very independent and does not take hand outs well. We mailed her some money but she is working like crazy to make ends meet. So we offered to take the boys for the summer. I convinced her that she would be able to work more and be able to sell the house easier and the boys will have a funnier summer since they live way out in the middle of no where and here there is more family and more things to do….although I haven’t a clue how to entertain them!
Their last day of school was last week. Her oldest son is going to spend the summer with his real Dad so we may take both the other boys. They are 6 and 4. I’m both excited to be taking them in and a little nervous that I won’t be able to keep them entertained and they will ask to go back home. I want them to stay as long as possible. Well, I really want my sister to move in with us until she is on her feet so she doesn’t have to worry about buying groceries (I already grocery shop like I’m feeding a family of 5 anyways), or going to the laundry mat, or struggling to pay for electricity. My sister lives over 3 hours away from the rest of us so that makes it harder to be able to help out.
So any inexpensive ideas on how to keep a 6 and 4 year old entertained for the summer would be appreciated! My Dad has them now and tomorrow the youngest one asked to go to my grnadmas and the 6 year old asked to come to my house. I have to work the next few nights so my mom may watch him unitil Wednesday night but then he will be here for as long as he is willing to stay.
On TTC notes yesterday after my IUI the nurse told me I should be taking baby aspirin and a prescription strength pre natal. So now I have added that to my mix. I’m a little bummed I can no longer take my over the counter PNV’s. They were so cheap! Costco brand- 300 pills for 7 dollars. Now my Rx PNV’s are 30 pills for 25.00 dollar copay. But they say these are the best and have the best absorption rate so I’ll suck it up and take them.
Nothing new going on TTC wise. Just hanging out in the 2ww. They upped my progesterone so I have been taking that twice a day.
My nephew is keeping me busy. Right now I only have the 6 yr old. He is fun. We just finished breakfast and he is playing legos with my Rottie. He is having a blast with my dogs. They have never been around kids before so I was interested to see how they would do. They LOVE him! I have a few pics.
Ethan and Lola the Rottie
With the Boxer, Dorian
and Max the Yorkie
…and then this is how I found them all last night before I went to bed.
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. ♥ I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. ♥ I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. ♥ Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. ♥ I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. ♥ I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. ♥ I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. ♥ Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. ♥ I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. ♥ I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. ♥ I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. ♥ So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. ♥ I listen. ♥ And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. ♥ I have learned to appreciate life. ♥ Yes I will be a wonderful mother. ♥ ♥ ♥ Author Unknown ♥ ♥