AF showed up right on schedule…3 days after stopping progesterone. I have been so worthless the last few days. I’m very lucky I have a wonderful DH who picks up my slack. All weekend while I was moopey and sad he took care of everything else….he did the laundry, kept the house tidy, made me breakfast in bed….made dinners, would come hold me when I needed him to. I am so blessed to have him in my life.
I am feeling much better today and have a new outlook on how things will go until we can do IVF. I figure today is day 1 of getting my life back. We are still going to TTC on our own. I may even still temp but now I am going to switch my focus to getting back in shape.
I am going to use this journal to track my progress on TTC as well as loosing weight, that way I will be accountable. I really didn’t want to post my weight here, but that is part of the accountability. My weigh in days are going to be every Sunday. Yesterday I weighed 125.5. Remember I am only 5’0 so that isn’t as little as it sounds. I don’t have a goal weight in mind…when I was running a lot I was at 106. I am hoping to get close to that by the end of October when we are going on a trip to Mexico but overall I just want to be fit and healthy.
Right now I am waiting for my Ibuprofen to kick in and my cramps to subside so I can get going with this and head to the gym. AF would be a lot easier to handle if I didn’t feel like my insides were being ripped out!
So...I am doing something that could be considered unethical. A little recap…Last cycle I asked about upping my Clomid to 150 for my last IUI on my CD 3 u/s. The nurse said they don’t routinely do 150 but since it was my 6th and final IUI then she would ask my RE, who at the time was gone for the weekend. So the nurse handed me 2 scripts, one for 100 mg and one for 150 mg. She said “You’re a nurse, I trust you. After I talk to Dr. Surrey then I’ll call you and let you know which one to fill.”
So she sent me on my merry way with the two shinny pieces of paper in my hot little hand. When we left I tuned to Dh and jokingly said something to the effect of “Giving an infertile women fertility meds and telling her not to take then is like handing an addict a pipe and telling them not to smoke it.”
The nurse called the next day and told me that they wanted me to do only 100 because my lining was already thin and they didn’t want to thin it out more by upping the dose. Makes since so that is what I did. But as my cycle was ending my little wheels started spinning and I couldn't shake how well I respond to 50mg of Clomid and how that 150 could last me 3 more cycles….I figured I was too chicken to ever turn the script in.... until today.
We were in the grocery store and the Pharmacist was standing there, tempting me with all her bottled goodness so I caved and timidly handed over my script probably looking as nervous and suspicious as someone who is about to rob them..
When we returned to pick it up they had it sitting aside and the pharmacist was standing there waiting for me. Uh oh! I though, Busted! She looks at me and starts,”Ummm….” My mind starts racing and I’m thinking Oh crap and looking for an exit route so I can back pedal out of there and make a break for it. She continues, “…do you know how much this cost?”
Whew! I think! She just feels guilty about the price since my RE doesn’t let us take generic. I said ‘Yeah, about 150” and she said “It’s actually 172.35….Sorry, that is pretty expensive.” I’m thinking actually, this will be my cheapest cycle yet but I just agree with her as I crack some stupid joke about insurance coverage and swipe my card so I can make my escape. I made it out with my contraband Clomid and I’m gonna play doctor and run my own little medicated cycle since I still have refills left on my Estrace and Progesterone as well. Os my plan is 50 f Clomid day 5-9, Estrace CD 10 up to a positive OPK and then Progesterone after O.
I feel a little guilty, like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, but in my defense the nurse just said ‘I trust you.’ That can translate into a million different scenarios that can justify my actions. Maybe she just trusted me not to take all 150 last cycle. Maybe she trusts me to do 3 more cycles of 50mgs unmonitored….The possibilities are endless! But I do know she never said not to use that script.
My getting my life back on track plan is going well. I have been running, going to the gym and eating healthier choices. My only problem that I really need to work on is eating enough. I go to this website called fitday.com where I can track my weight, diet and exercise. The last few nights I have been working and I have only been eating 600-800 calories a day. Throughout the night I have so much trouble eating. I know that is so crappy for my metabolism! My trainer wants me to eat at least 1800 if not 1900 over 5-6 small meals. That is just so hard to do. I picked up some foods I might be more tempted to eat. If that doesn’t work then I’ll move on to protein shakes. I got on the scale today though and I’m up a pound. But I’m sure it’s all water weight.
I was feeling a bit guilty for filling that script this morning after waking up and realizing the adrenaline from my crime spree was gone. I was gonna just throw the Clomid in a drawer and hide from my shame but, I am cheap and I didn’t want to waste 172.35 dollars for nothing so I put on my big girl hat, gathered up my courage and called my RE to leave a message and beg for permission.
When the nurse called me back I went into nurse mode right back at her and even pulled out the big guns and used the tone of voice I use for my c/s patients who don’t want to get out of bed after surgery. I was assertive, confident, professional and make such a darn convincing case that I should have been a lawyer instead of a nurse. and…It worked!! They agreed to let me take the 50 of Clomid these next 3 cycles. They even called me in a fresh script for Estrace since mine had unknowingly run out. All I had to do in return is name my first born after my RE. Just kidding, I just had to pinky swear at the first sign of something fishy I come in and get it checked out.
So my Clomid is no longer contraband and I was able to swallow it down guilt free!!
Nothing really new going on TTC…today is my last day of Clomid. It’s funny that I am taking a smaller dose yet the hot flashes are so much worse!!! I feel like my face is on FIRE about an hour or 2 after taking it. Lotsa fun when it is 100 degrees outside.
Ugh! It has been a horrible past few days. One of my good friends and old roommate lost his battle with cancer on Thursday of last week. His funeral was yesterday.
Almost 2 years ago Neal started complaining about arm pain to his doctor. The doctor without performing any tests told him it was nothing. But Neal’s arm kept hurting so he went back and the Doctor again told him it was nothing and said it was all in his head and referred him to a shrink. So Neal went to get a second opinion that doctor said the same thing and also referred him to a physiologist. For 9 months Neal dealt with the pain until finally his chiropractor of all people ordered an MRI for his arm and it showed he had several large masses. They did biopsies them and did a Pet scan that found he had cancer in his arm, 2 spots in his lungs, 2 places in his pelvic, in his spine and in his bone marrow. He was diagnoses in October 2006. At the time with how far his cancer progressed he was given a 20% chance to make it 5 years. He didn’t even make it a year. It is so sad, He did everything right and tried to get treatment earlier and was rejected and that took his life. With the type of cancer he had it might have taken his life anyways but at least with earlier treatment he could have lived a longer more fore filling life. For the past 9 months he looked into every possible treatment out there. The Chemo worked but he would have no remission period so after exhausting all his options he moved to doing clinical studies. None of it worked. Neal was such an incredible person. With each treatment he did he gave a donation to the children’s hospitals cancer services. It just amazes me with all the pain he had to endure he still gave to others. He was only 26, too young to have lost his life.
That has been hard enough to deal with but Monday my Dad was admitted in the hospital. In 1989 my Dad was in a pretty serious work related accident and he crushed his leg and lost 4 inches of his femur. Over 50 surgeries later they were able to grow back the bone and he was able to keep his leg. Over the weekend his leg started swelling and getting hot and red. They thought it might be cellulites, which is a bacterial infection. But he wasn't presenting like cellulites usually presents. They also thought it might be a blood clot but were unable to find anything on u/s. They admitted him because that leg has been through so much trauma they wanted to be cautious.
My Dad also has diabetes. His diabetes is very hard to control and has been in DKA twice. (Diabetic ketoacidosis) which is a state of extreme or complete insulin deficiency. It is very scary and very life threatening. So it is always scary when he is in the hospital because the only times he has been in there it has been very life threatening and gets him week long periods in ICU so when I heard he was admitted I was pretty freaked out.
THEN to top off my horrible week my Vet was in a very serious car accident on Saturday and is still is serious condition in ICU. He is 85 so I don't know how well he will recover from this. I have known him since I was little so it feels like a Grandparent who was hurt.
It has been a bad week but it also has been very eye opening. It really shows how fragile life is. They say bad things come in 3’s so I’m hoping this is the last of the bad news I hear for a long time.
I have been so overwhelmed this past week I don’t even know where I am in my cycle. I luckily finished my Clomid because the past few days I haven’t even remembered to temp or even take my Prenatal. I need to check FF and makes sure I didn’t miss my O day.
My stupid temp keeps dipping and then going up, then dipping again. Okay, its only done it twice but I wish it would only dip for an O and that’s it! I did not do OPK’s this cycle and now I wish I did.
I feel pretty certain that today is my O day and that makes me happy because then our BD timing will be perfect but I still have doubts. This was so much easier when I could just trigger. I haven’t figured out how to get me some bootlegged Noveral yet.
Now I am off to the gym! My measurements are smaller this week, but my weight is the same. Probably because of all the ice cream and cookies I used to drown out the sorrow of my crappy week. Now I need to get back on track!
I’m having a lot of trouble getting back on the healthy lifestyle track. I did not go to the gym Sunday…nor have I gone in a week now. On Sunday instead of going I stayed home and ate 3 candy bars!!! Yesterday I was completely lazy. I went to bed at 11pm Sunday night and did not wake up until 3p Monday afternoon. I had to work last night so that wasn’t too big of a deal but then in stead of getting up and getting stuff done I moved my large *** from the bed to the couch and stayed there until I had to go in. My DH thinks I have a bit of depression. I never really though of that as a possibility, I just figured I was lazy but anything is possible after infertility, the death of a friend, the death of my vet, my Dad being sick….it is a lot.
I know I will feel better if I go to the gym…I don’t wanna though. I just want to curl back up and go to sleep.
On a brighter note- I O’s Sunday so my BD timing was pretty good. I wish we could have BD’d last night too just to cover our bases but work got in the way of that, I think we are still okay.
I figured I needed to update my journal before it slips off to page 2. There is nothing new going on TTC wise. I am feeling crampy so Iâ€™m wondering if AF might show early, then again it might just be gas pain. I have this new theory that I might be lactose intolerant since my belly is like a volcano rumbling and waiting to erupt. So I have tried to cut out dairy. I do okay with cutting out most of it. I prefer soy milk to cowâ€™s milk, I donâ€™t like cheese or yogurt but I LOVE, love, love ice cream!! Every weekend DH and I get Sunday sundaes so I am worried that my blizzard may have done me in. I think it has made a difference because I donâ€™t have near as much stomach irritability.
I am doing better with my healthy living. I decided to start another journal for that in the health/weight loss/exercise journal board so I can try to keep TTC and TTGT (trying to get thin) separate. So if you are interested in how well I succeed (or fail) in getting back down to my pre treatment weight before the end of October you can look over there.
Iâ€™ll post again when I actually have something TTC related to talk about.
My Chart is looking pretty good today. I wish I still had my VIP to FF so I could overlay it and compare it to other charts. I have also been nauseated and breaking out like a teenager. I donâ€™t want to assume anything since my chart always looks pretty good until the day before AF when it nose dives but I am very hopeful!!
I donâ€™t plan on testing at all unless AF is really late. It is a good thing I donâ€™t have any test in the house because I lack the will power not to use them!!
Well, I've made it to 13 DPO all by myself....I hope that means good things. I am sitting in the nursery at work with 1 baby I'm waiting to drop back off to her parents. I am so anxious to go home and go to bed, not only was it a crazy night (we had a baby go bad) but I want to sleep so I can temp and see what my body is doing today!!
I found a HPT yesterday in my stash of tampons and took it. It was of course a BFN but I'm not counting it because it was in the middle of the afternoon after I had drank like 2 gallons of water before. Now though I am officially out of tests so no POAS for me until I reach Monday with no AF.