I've decided to start my journal back up. I was doing a lousey job of keeping up with the blog and I am just more comfortable here.
I am now on cycle 43. I did my last cycle of Clomid andI'm on CD 16. I am just praying that it works. I'm trying to have a relaxed outlook but since this is the last cycle where I can use intervention besides IVF I cant help but to be really hopeful and anxious.
Yesterday I had a good Thanksgiving. I was a little worried on how it would go because my cousion and his pg gf were going to be there. She is 16is weeks along and I didnt know if it was going to be hard for me to see them. I did pretty good and then my cousion pulled me aside and asked me and my DH to be the baby's God parents. I am very honored and flattered. He said he was very nervous asking us and was shaking. I, of course said we would but I cant help but to wonder if the only reason he asked me is because he knows how hard DH and I have been trying. I hope it is because they think we will do a good job and not out of pitty.
While we were eating I was sitting next to my sister and my Grandma and I told them what Rex had asked me and then all of a sudden my sister started crying. I though she was jealous that I was asked and not her. Finally she spilled that she is very concerned about her own fertility and it was difficult for her to be around Rex's pg girlfriend. I had always known my sister wanted kids but I had no idea she had been trying. I am very surprised that she hadnt come to me sooner asking for help. He has not been to a doctor to find out what is wrong because she is scared of what they are going to say. She said she felt she was being punished. My Grandma and I ended up crying with her and talked to her. I tried to tell her what she was feeling was normal. The inability to have a child is so heartbreaking and devistating! I also made sure to try to get across that God does not punish people that way. I dont think it is in Gods plan for either of us not to have children.
I would bet money that my sister has PCOS. I have a younger sister that has been diagnoised with it and my older sister, Kim has a lot of the classic signs. I told her to make an appointment and I will go in with her and help her since I know a lot of the questions she needs to ask. I really wish she would have come to me before. She was feeling so lonely and hopeless so I hope I was able to remove some of that fear.
Lately I have been putting a lot of thought into adoption. I am so ready to be a parent. I have come a long way in my TTC journey. Although I want more then anything to be able to experience a pregnancy and everything that goes with it I am now able to look past that short 9 month period and remember that it is a baby I want. I look at some of the babies in my nursery and think it would be so easy to take one home and love it as my own. In our county it turns out adoption is cheaper then I though it would be. It is 700 for a homes study and then 150is for back ground checks and 150is in court fees. There are 24 hours of required classes that need to be taken. They require all prospective adoption parents to become foster parents first but they pay for all the classes and they take care of the social worker who will help with paperwork.
Graham is not quite on the same page with me yet he really wants a biological child and I underdstand that. it is funny because he follows my emotions, just about a year behind so now his main focus is getting pg. I keeo bringing adoption up in passing and hopefull he will become comfortable enough with the idea that we can at least be paper ready, just in case.
Tonight I am having trouble sleeping because all these thoughts of what occured today with my sister, my cousin asking me to be a god parent and adoption are dancing around in my head. It is 2:30am on Black Friday. I have decided if I am still awake in an hour I am going to go shopping with the "bottom feeders" as my Dh who worked retail during college calls them and see if I can't score me some good deals without getting in a fight! My oldest sister and her 2 boys are staying with us tonight so I might wake her and the 2 of us can sneak off!
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:39 AM.
I think our timing was fairly decent this cycle. I am a bit irritated with DH though. I would have liked to BD last night just to be completely covered. He went out with some old high school friends who were in town for the holidays, which was fine. I stayed home and put up our christmas tree. He promised he'd be back in time. I get a phone call at 2am saying he will be home in an hour at 3:30am I went to bed. DH strolled in at 5:30am I dont mind that he was out all night but I am annoyed that he knew we needed to BD and that this is my last Clomid cycle and he still choose to stay out all night. THEN, he comes up to me just now at noon saying 'since we didnt get a chance last night do you wanna go for it now?' Yeah right buddy. You'll be lucky if you get it again before my next O.
I am being lazy today. We are going to a friends for a Thanksgiving dinner and I have stuff to do but I am still laying in bed...I need me some motivation!
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:40 AM.
I need to vent. My very good friend who has been TTC for a while just called me and told me she is 9 weeks pg. She was very considerate in how she told me. Another friend of our, who just had a baby a month ago announced her pregnancy while all of us were out to drinks and Tessie got really upset and cryed. SHe told me that she didnt want me to be put in that situation so she wanted to be sure I was the first one she told.
I told her all the right things...I am very happy for her, that is so exciting, I am not at all upset, I will keep praying for her since she had a m/c last year but now I feel really numb and sad. I hate that I am feeling bad about it. I really do want to be happy for them and I used to think to myself that when she did get pregnanet that I would be happy so I hate that I am feeling so down. I know it is normal for me to feel this way but for some reason I didnt think I would get like this when she finally got pg since she knows what its like to deal with infertility.
We are supposed to go to a party wit them this weekend and next weekend we are going to a play with just them and now I want to back out of it all and hide out at home so I dont break down and cry infront of them. I dont want her to feel any guilt or feel sorry for me and I know it was so hard for to even make that phone call to tell me.
This is a happy time and happy news. I wish I felt happy. It makes it even harder that this is the last cycle of Clomid I can take and from here on out the only things I can do if pray and IVF. IVF only a good option for me if I had a ton of money. The odds of IVF working the first time for me is slim. I have old crappy follies so I turn my embies would not be of great quality and because of my bicornated uterus they will only implant one at a time so I really feel like there is little left to do but have faith that it will happen. It feels so hopeless. Darn it! I hate when I feel like this.
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:40 AM.
I really, really, really need to get my big butt to the gym today. I have been very lazy lately and I know that is aiding to me feeling depressed and not having any motivation. I know if I go I will feel better and I know tomorrow when we go to a holiday party at a friend's house who recently lost over 50 lbs and is now super thin and fit I am going to hate myself for letting myself go but there is a part of me that thinks I just might be pg and I dont want to go and get my HR elevated just incase I am. I'm 8 DPO right now and I keep thinking just a few days and then I'll know and I can start working out again then but the pestamistic side of me knows that's stupid because I will not be pg and then I will have just wasted a week and got my hopes up for nothing. Sigh.
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:41 AM.
I am now 17 DPO and no AF. I am not too sure what that means.... I don't know if my cycles are getting longer, if something else is going on to keep it away or if I am possible pg. Normally before AF starts I have horrible cramping for 2-3 days. Yesterday I had some brown spotting and some very achy ovaries but no cramps, no signs of typical AF behavior. I keep praying every chance I get to please let me be pg this cycle. I have taken some tests from the Dollar Tree. I am not to sure how accurate they are. The first one I took never got a control line. Of all my times POAS I have never had a dud. I figured it was bound to happen so I took another one, then another two. All BFN's. Most of me knows I should believe that but part of me wants to think that they are crappy tests and that I need to get a store bought one to confirm. I really don't want to see a BFN though so I think I will wait. If AF doesnt make an apperance today or show signs of coming then I will test again Sunday morning.
PLease pray for me!
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:41 AM.
I am so shocked! I had just about given up on ever getting pg. DH and I weren't even really trying this cycle. You could knock me over with a feather! It seems so sureal! I don't think I will fully believe it until I get a blood test.
I had no symptoms that stood out. The last few days my BB's have been a little sore, but nothing major and nothing I haven't experienced before. I have had some killer headaches, but I am prone to migraines so I brushed that off and I have had horrid AF like cramps so I was so sure that AF was on the way.
On CD 27 I had some light spotting when I wiped, and then nothing. Today is CD 31, my normal cycle length is 28 days so the back of my mind had kinda been stewing. When I got home from work this morning I just started obsessing.I went over all of my FF charts and saw that this was my longest unmedicated cycle so I called DH to talk about it and see if our timing was good since I couldn't remeber when we DTD during my O time. I finally was able to get to sleep around 9am. I woke up at 11am and went to the bathroom. I thought about testing but didn't. I went back to bed and woke up again at 4pm and thought why not? I had one Dollar tree test left so I took it and sat there feeling stupid as I watched the control line appear I just knew I was going to see a BFN. I kept staring trying to imagain any sort of line then I saw one! I though I was going crazy but it was there! I started crying and shaking and my heart was pounding! I needed conformation that there was a line, but my camera was in my Dh's car so I took a pic with my cell phone and texted it to my Dh and my friend from TTC #1, Rebekah and they both saw it too!!! I cannot believe it! Dh left work when he found out to come home and brough some ditigal tests with him. I was going to wait to take it in the morning, but DH pressured me so I did and pretty quickly the "Pregnant" popped up! Yay!
I put in a call to my RE's office and left a message to see if they would do a Beta HCG for me. I called late so I won't hear from them until morning. I am hoping they will take me even though I didnt do a treatment or medication this cycle. I want them to give me a refferal to a high risk OB since I have a severly bicornated uterus and I'm very worried about pre term labor and want to stay on top of things before something goes bad.
Hopefully I can get in tomorrow for a test!!
Here is my dollar tree cheapy!
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:41 AM.
OMG! I am Pregnant! I'm Pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant!!! I just cannot say it enough!! I was trying really hard not to let myself get excited until we got a blood test back and DH and I said we would not tell anyone until we were sure, but who was I kidding? I am so excited!! Totally freaked out it might all go away, but soooooo excited!! I've already told a few people IRL too. I am such a big mouth! I also was up all night assembling the perfect siggy since I don't know how long I get to keep this baby. I want to celebrate every second I have with him/her!
I am glad that I was able to get pg after so long without any treatments, but part of me worries about the "I told you so's" that are sure to come from the few people in my life that would tell me "Your young, it will happen" or "to stop trying and it will happen." Part of me wants to avoid telling them in happened on our own just so they don't downplay in their minds just how dibilitaing and heartbreaking infertility is. I never in a million years though I would be on this side of the fence without spending thousands on IVF. I fully believe I am pregnant by and act of God and this is truly a miracle. I don't want anyone to down play that or use me as a statistic to someone else.
I am still having bad cramping. It comes and goes, but when it comes it hurts like hell (which is how my normal AF cramps feel) It wakes me from sleep. I am pretty nervous that AF will start any second and I keep going into the bathroom to check. It does make me feel better when I walk into the bathroom to see that digital test sitting there reading "pregnant" loud and clear!
I have only had a few hours of sleep, partly because of the cramps, partly because I am too excited to sleep and partly because I am hoping my RE calls with enough time for me to go in today and have a blood test done. They aren't the most timely about calling back as soon as they get the message. They are a big office- I know. But I am Pg damnit! They should drop everything to confirm that for me! One of the girls who worked in NICU at my hospital quit about a month ago and went over to CCRM. I even emailed her last night at 3 am hoping she would read it before going into work and pull some strings to get me in.
If you could send lots of sticky vibes my way and lots of RE calling back vibes I would appreciate it!!
Last edited by Lavender444; 02-06-2008 at 11:43 AM.
I've crossed posted this everywhere, but I'm pretty upset about it so I figured I'd put it here too.
So I called and left a message for my RE to see if they could fit me in today or tomorrow to do a blood test for me. It's only 10am here, but I hadn't heard back so I called back and talked to the front desk girls instead of leaving a message for the IVF nurses like I normally do. She told me they will not do my lab work since I did not do a treatment to get pg. :wtf: I have only spent THOUSANDS of dollars with them! It is not like it is any skin off their backs. They don't submit anything to insurance so I would have had to pay out of pocket and then submit myself anyways. I am pretty pissed off at them! I feel like they left me high and dry.
I don't have an OB picked out yet. You'd thinking working on an OB floor I would, but if anything that has made me pickier and I have no clue who I want to go to and was banking on not having to decide until I was farther along. I called my PCP and they thankfully are gonna fit me in today. I just love them...My good ol' PCP, they are my go-to guy! I wish they had hospital privileges so I could just stay with them.
Still I am just baffled at CCRM! Even though I am not doing treatments they would call every 2 weeks to check on me and now that I got pg on my own they drop me like a bad habit!
My appt at my PCP is at 2:30. I'm off to have lunch with a friend who CCRM did get pg, but she is ending her 12 weeks so she needs to find an OB too so I'm gonna pick her brain about who she is going to use.
I am scared ****less right now. Last night I had some bright red bleeding (too much to be called spotting) when I went to the bathroom. It scared me so I went to bed at 7pm. I slept until about 10:30 pm when my cramping woke me up. It was so horrible last night I was thisclose to going to the ER. I concentrated on taking deep breath while laying on my left side and they went away and I was able to sleep until just now (7 am). I am still having brown spotting now but my cramps are better. This has forced me to pick my OB. My first thought last night when I thought I'd have to go intp te ER was to see this one group. So I am waiting for their office to open so I can see if they can squeeze me in today.
I'm sure everything is fine and I am just over reacting, but please say a little prayer for my little bean and keep sending all the sticky vibes you can!