I’m out for this cycle. I haven’t started AF yet, but I know I will today or tomorrow. I am super crampy…..different from how I’ve been all week, I’m AF crampy. My temps have taken a nose dive. Not just today’s, but the last several days and yesterday I had light pink spotting when I wiped, and I had another BFN today. I was very depressed about it. I called into work and stayed in bed all day with my feet up hoping that it would help make the cramps stop, but I still feel the coming today. I’m gonna try to sneak my way into my RE today to get my U/S to get a script for Clomid before we leave today for Lake Powell. I’m just gonna tell then today is CD 1 and I’m leaving tonight and hope they get me in. After that I’m going to the liquor store and am gonna buy then out so when AF does show I can drink away my self pity. I’m still a tad bit hopeful tat it won’t start.
I still have another 1 ½ hours before the office opens so I need to start cleaning my house so it looks decent for my BIL who will be house sitting for us. So I’ll be back in a week with a nice tan and a huge hangover!
We got back from Lake Powell on Saturday. I have never been so glad to be home fro ma vacation before! I accomplished one of my goals…I have a great tan now, but I had no desire to drink while we were out there so all my liquor sits unopened in my fridge where I guess it will stay until our next party.
I would like to say I had a great time at the Lake and it was the perfect escape but I was pretty much miserable the whole time! I was so ready to go home after only a few days. On Friday before we left my spotting increased so I called the RE and first asked to speak with someone who can assign me a new nurse because I hated my old one. I felt really bad for calling and requesting a new nurse but Jennifer was a *****. So I spoke the manager and told her my concerns and problems with Jennifer and she said no problem and told me someone named Amy would be in touch with my. Not 2 minutes later Amy called and I explained to her that I was spotting and we were leaving for a week and I was concerned I would miss out on this cycle. Amy was go great! She said that she would work me in to have my U/S done as soon as I could make it into the office. As soon as I got there she had me I the back before I even had to wait! With Jennifer I would wait up to 30 minutes or more before being called back. Amy was so great she took time to answer all my questions and made me feel safe. With Jennifer I always felt like I was a burden. I’m so glad I spoke up and changed nurses!
My U/S was fine, no cysts so Amy gave me my prescription for Clomid. On the way home I got a call from my Dad saying the police found his car! Whoever took it didn’t drive it far. It only had 6 miles on it. They stole the radio….which was weird cause it as a stock radio. But nothing else was touched! I was so glad to get that call! I felt like I was leaving for a week with everything working out.
We got up to my in-laws around 8pm and packed up the 5th wheel and the boat and then his in-laws decided to go to bed for a few hours and offered up their guest bedroom for us to sleep as well. I was a little irritated by that. I had been running around all day trying to get up there at the time they requested and we didn’t end up leaving for another several hours. If I knew we were going to be sleeping I would have rather slept in my own bed.
We set off around 1am for the 8 hour drive. DH and me in our truck pulling the boat and the in-laws in theirs with the camper. About ¼ of the way through my FIL started swerving and falling asleep at the wheel so I got stuck driving out truck, which was an adventure since I have never driven that truck before….let alone while it was pulling something! DH drove his father truck so FIL could sleep. My sister-in-law rode with me, which turned out to be very nice! She and I talked more In that few hours then we ever have before. I told her all about our fertility issues and she was very interested…asking the right questions, being very sincere and understanding which was nice. I was pretty sure since now that Claire knew what we were going though it was only a matter of time before the in-laws asked about it. But the weird thing was they never did. We were with them nonstop for a week and it never came up….in my family that would be just weird. Graham tried to explain how his family works by saying it is not there place to ask so they don’t. If I was a mother and I knew my child was having a difficult time I would be hurt if I was not included in it. Especially if the other side of the family knows what has been going on since the beginning. Oh well…I just have to work on trying not to let it bother me.
Every time I had been to Lake Powell before (a few time with just the girls and a few times with just DH and the dogs) I had a great time! I never got bored there was always plenty to do and see and explore! This time though I was bored after 3 days! We would do the same damn thing everyday. I would wake up around 6am to be able to go for a run before it got too hot. My SIL came with me for those which were nice. Once we got back we would wait around a few hours for whenever the in-laws would decide to get up and then make breakfast. Then we would go out on the boat. My FIL is a die hard fisherman. I didn’t realize how die hard until we got there. All we would do is drive the boat from one fishing area to the next. I was fine sunbathing and reading for the first few days but by the 3rd I was going out of my mind! FIL would stay out on the Lake until it was almost to dark to find our way back to the marina. He would ignore everyone who asked when he planned on going back in and he would drive us into the grossest water with the air filled with bugs and stay there for ever! Not fun for a girl on her period! I was trying really hard to be a good sport but I was going out of my mind! I have never had s/e of Clomid but of course this cycle I did so I was even more short tempered and irritable. I started getting really home sick and wanted to leave, but Graham seemed to be having a good time so I tried keeping my feelings to myself. One the 4th day DH and I still had not had one moment to ourselves outside of sleeping and I was getting really *****y. While we were unloading stuff from the boat the in-laws were dragging there feet and riding stuff on the marine boards so I told DH that we should walk ahead and get the truck to load in all our stuff to take back to the camp site. DH said no lets wait for them. At that point I lost my composure and finally told DH how I was feeling and that if we didn’t get one moment to ourselves then I was gonna loose it. I wanted to cut our trip sort a few days but DH talked my into a compromise of going out to eat…just the 2 of us at the lodge restaurant. I didn’t want to make him resentful of me for impeding on his vacation so I agreed. I still had that longing to go home though. I started to get tat feeling that I needed to be home. DH told me everything was fine but something was eating at me that we needed to go. The rest of the trip I tried to put my feelings behind me and relax which I was able to do several times but when FIL would drive into those buggy gross spots and stay there for hours even though he wasn’t catching any fish I would feel myself stating to get irritated again. Especially when it was too dark for the rest of us to read or do anything besides sit there. FIL is a catch and release fisherman, but he was dribing me batty because 60% of the fish he caught he would gut hook then and make then start to pour blood out there gills! It was so sad. THe first fish he did that too ended up floating up to the surface a few minutes later. So FIL decided to have him for dinner. The rest of the fish he made bleed I didnt see come up to the surface after but I was still scarred into thinking that fishing was cruel sport.
The last day there I was about at my wits end. I was sick of sleeping in a tent (we could have slept in the camper but I needed my space from the in-laws to at least sleep) FIL that day decided to boat way out 1 ½ hour drive from any marina to fish in a area where is was blistering hot with lots of bugs and water too gross to swim in. So we all baked without any relief for hours. I was miserable. I stated to get a rash from the sun so I had to hide under my wrap, which of course made me hotter. I finally started prodding DH to convince his dad to head in and reluctantly he did, but he was not please about it. But the time he made it back to the docks I had a very itchy rash on my chest, stomach and arms. I was so ready to leave. I made DH help me pack everything up so we could leave ad early as possible. That night we checked out messages and my barn called to say that they had to call the vet for my youngest horse who got a huge cut on his leg that was very swollen. So now he is on stall rest and on meds for 2 weeks. After hearing that I was even more anxious to get home.
I’m making the trip sound worse then it was. I just need a little more then just sitting around for a week. If we had been able to do stuff on our own or at least something with a little more activity like hiking or more swimming I would have been fine. I love Lake Powel it is such a beautiful place. I will gladly go there again, just probably not with my in-laws.
Here are some pictures from out trip.
Entertaining myself after 7 hours in the car with dorky Self portrait's
Our truck and the inlaws boat.
Dh and I at Rainbow Bridge
Dh wake boarding
Me tubing (the only brave thing I decided to try I'm more of a beach bunny then a water sports kind of girl)
I went in today for my 12 day follicule check. Again this cycle I have 4 follicules…2 on each side. None of them are big enough to indicate I am close to Oing though so I have to wait a few days and use OPK’s to watch for a surge. If nothing shows up by Thursday then I have to go back for another U/S. My lining is thin again….only at 6 so I have to start taking my Estrace again starting tonight to hopefully plump it up.
It was kinda awkward at the office today, Usually I go in get my U/S and then wait in another room to talk to what ever nurse is available well who would walk in to talk to my but the nurse I just requested not to have be my primary nurse Jennifer! I couldn’t believe my luck. Jennifer was my nurse for 6 months and not once did I meet her in person. I had only talked to her over the phone. I felt really guilty for asking to switch. I’m pretty sure she was none the wiser that I had requested a new nurse, but I still felt bad. In person she seemed a lot more compassionate, but I still would take Amy over her any day.
For my last IUI the office wrote on me sheets to bill my insurance. I was fairly certain that I do not have coverage for fertility treatments but I figured what the heck! Well today I went in to find a bill of 660 for treatments that were refused by my insurance company. Bummer. I really did not expect them to cover anything but I was hopeful. Oh well. We are already poor…what’s being a little poorer. Graham work has a side account set up where he can put a portion of his paycheck each month to go towards medical bills that is untaxed so we’ll just use that. It is just bad timing, this week we are going to be hurting for money. Graham is salary but I’m hourly and I did not have enough vacation to cover the time I was off for Lake Powell, plus we have emergency vet bills from my bonehead of a horse getting hurt while we were gone, and the horse are due to get their hooves trimmed now too. That doesn’t cost that mush but it is just lousy timing.
I just have to keep thinking things happen for a reason. All these obstacle we can handle.
My body hates me…or maybe I really pissed off some higher up because I cannot catch a break! Two of my follicles have disappeared. They aren’t quite sure what happened. On Tuesday they were 1.4, 1.5, 0.8 and 2.0. Now the 2 from my right side, the 1.4 and 1.5 ones are gone. I saw Jennifer again today and she said that they expect the follicles to grow 0.2 cm a day so they would be quite shocked if I O’d, but it is possible. There is fluid in my uterus indicating that I may have O’d already and I had a temp dip today. I am just so disappointed. I have been teary and upset ever since I saw they were gone on the u/s. It just isn’t fair that everything that can go wrong with me does. They sent me to the lab to have my progesterone and LH done to see if I did O. I should get those results In a few hours. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Jennifer said she didn’t think it would be worth it to do the IUI this cycle. I still do have 2 other follicles. One that is a decent size and one that is so small it probably wont do anything. But If I already O’d I may not realeaser that other egg. She said to go ahead an BD tonight and tomorrow in hopes that if it does release then we can catch it but this cycle is pretty much a bust. Jennifer said that next cycle they will have to monitor me closer, which will of course cost a lot more, but at least we won’t miss anything. Infertility sucks.
I am so ready for a decent night sleep. All of my friends at work know what’s going on with me, so I had to repeat everything that happened today several time and each time I would get teary. Crying takes a lot out of me. My poor patients must think they were being taken care of by a basket case! One of my patients was in for a miscarriage so she and I talked for a long time about the battles of TTC. I didn't really tell her my stuff...just listened to her talk and let her know although I have not experienced an m/c I understand her since of loss. As weird as it sounds it was nice talking to her and hearing about her struggles. It makes me feel so less alone in this battle.
I got my blood results back from my LH and Progesterone and according to that I have not ovulated. I’m not even close to surging. So they are stumped as to why my follicles have vanished. They said that I have to come back in the morning for another u/s and see what is going on. I’m glad to hear that I have not O’d yet. At least that is some good news. They think that tomorrow they’ll be able to trigger me to get the remaining follicle ready to be released and we can try an IUI on Saturday. I don’t know what is going on, but hopefully in the morning everything will be clearer.
My U/S today went alright. Still nothing on the right, but the one of the left looks good. It is at 2.5 so I was given my trigger shot to take later tonight and we have an IUI scheduled for 9:45 Sunday morning. I also have a smaller follicle on that side but it was so small I didnt even ask what size it was since it is pretty obvious it wont do anything. I’m not feeling all that optimistic about this IUI but at least I haven’t missed anything.
I have been reading other peoples journals and some of them are so well written and are actually fun to read. I was thinking about mine and it seems every post is my *****ing about something negative. I had decided to change that and try to put a more positive spin on things but I'm *****y again right now (more so then usual) so this is not the post where I start.
Its 2am the morning of IUI # 2 and I can’t sleep. I don’t feel good about this cycle at all. Part of me wonders if it is even worth it. All day yesterday I was so depressed and angry. I don’t necessarily know what from. I stayed in bed most of the day. I worked a night shift on Friday night so I wasn’t completely lazy. I did get up for a bit to go to the gym and the barn but I got really nauseas and ended up going back to bed. I have been so angry with my DH. On Friday morning he slept in so we were not able to BD. Like I said before I worked a night shift that night and have to leave the house by 6:30 so I was irritated that he wouldn’t wake up since odds were I would not see him that night. He woke up and as he rushed out the door he promised me he would be home early so we had time. So I get my stuff done for the day and then lay down to nap before work. 5pm comes and still no word from DH so I decide to shower and get ready to go until he shows up. 5:30 and still no word from DH so I start dinner so I have something to eat at work. Finally at 6:15 he comes strolling in the door. I was so furious with him! He says we have plenty of time (way to give yourself credit, honey )I tell him I am starting to feel like this is a lot more important to me then it is to him and he says….I think we both know that! That just about leveled me! I was so hurt by that statement. Right then my FIL showed up at my door since him and DH had plans to go pick something up for my SIL. That made me even more mad…we had time to BD my ***! So I pack up my dinner and leave.
I am so hurt by what DH said. I hate that I am under this time constraint. Normally if he felt that way I would back off TTC. I do not want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to have one. He says that he wants kids just he had it in his head it would be a few years down the road. Well, I originally wanted that too but time is not a luxury I have. I have given up so much and have had this take over my life and DH acts like I’m going to a hair appointment instead of a doctor apt. I feel like I am at a cross road and I may end up getting to a point where I might have to choose between being a mother and being a wife. Some times Graham is so great and other times he is so hurtful. I just don’t know what to think. His thoughts on this change so frequently I cant’ keep up
DH has a subscription to some porn site. I know about it and I do not mind in the slightest but today (or I guess yesterday really) I was using his lap top. When I went to the internet and pushed that little arrow thing by the address bar to find a recently viewed webpage to pull up goggle, and what would be the last webpage he looked at Friday night but his porn page. I asked him if he did and he said no he was just looking for material to use to get his sample for the IUI. I’m not sure if I buy that or not. If his count for the IUI is low because he was busy masturbating instead of BDing with me then I am going to be livid!
This is too expensive (and stressful on me) for him to be ****ing around sabotaging our efforts.
Another thing that is bothering me is I am having severe O pain from my right side. This is weird because we all know very well after this week that my follicles from my right side are gone and we are doing this IUI today based off the one follie on my left….just something else to add to my list of things to complain about this week. I was so busy *****ing about my DH in my last post that I left out actual symptoms that are out ther making things more difficult.
I got up early this morning and decided to run one last time before my IUI. I have this lake close to my house that I like to run to. I’m a chicken to run by myself I have been trying to talk DH into getting me a dog I can run with. We already have 2 dogs but neither of them can run with me. One is a Yorkie and the other is a Rottie. My plan was to run with Lola, the Rottie, but when she was 5 months old she was diagnosed with bilateral elbow dysphasia and OCD in her shoulder. She had surgery to treat it and has been fine since, but I’m scared running will cause unneeded stress on her joints. I really want to get a Boxer but so far DH cannot be persuaded. Usually I wait to run until later when I know more people will be around but today I decided to see if Lola could keep up. To run to the lake, around it and back is a little less than 5 miles. I figured Lola would be able to run maybe half of it before we would have to stop and walk the rest, but she kept up with me for almost the entire run….and so far she doesn’t seem to be hurting from it. Yay! Now I can actually run with her when it is cool enough not to pass out from the heat. I’m so glad I went running, that was exactly what I needed to renew my outlook on things.
The IUI went well this morning. We had to be there at 8 am for DH to provide his sample to be washed. My appointment wasn’t until 9:45 so after DH was done we walked to a grocery store that is near the office and got some fruit and a bagel to share for breakfast.
When we went back for the IUI the nurse was all ready for us so that was really nice that we didn’t have to wait a long time like last time. She was the same nurse who did my IUI the first time. When she introduced herself I told her that. She did exactly what I do when I have a patient remembers me from the baby classes I teach that I have to take care of and don’t remember. I didn’t expect her to remember us, but it was funny because as soon as she opened my chart she remembered me. My uterus is famous at that place! No one remembers my face but as soon as they see that I’m the girl with the severely bicornated uterus it all comes rushing back to them. That has happened to me 3 times in the past week. I find it kinda comical.
My follicles were on the left side and the nurse said I was looking good to have 2 nice ones. That made me happy. I though I’d only have the one tat was at 2.5, but my second one was a decent size a few days ago at 1.4 so that is good. This time around they had no U/S tech there to run the u/s so we were on our own. The nurse was able to get it into my left side though with no problems. I could really feel it so I knew it was positioned correctly. I also started having really strong O pain on that left side.
The only down side was DH’s count was lower this time around. Before the wash he had 50 million and after we were down to 6.8 million. They said for an IUI they like to see that post wash number at 10. (Makes me wonder if he really did use that porn the other night…) But his mobility was better this time around at 3+ and the morph was high too. So even though there were not a lot of them his swimmers were stronger, more normal and were traveling in a straight line. Hopefully one makes it there!