Things are going great! I’m trying to keep myself as stress free as possible. I’m only temping when I feel like it which is nice! I actually have to stop and think about what CD I’m on. That’s a big change, I’ve always known for 2 years exactly where I was at. It is so relaxing not worrying about it. Hopefully it makes the 2ww go faster. Yesterday I slept almost all day and just work up to go and have my Acupuncture done. After Acupuncture I had to go to the hospital to teach the baby class I do, but after that it was right back to bed. And now today…when I need to sleep since I go back to work tonight I can’t sleep. I even took a Benadryl and still I’m wide awake!
I have exciting news to share. My friend had her baby today! A Little boy! I am so happy for her!! A lot of people ask me if it is hard for me to be around pg people and newborns (especially since I work on a mom/baby unit) but it honestly isn’t, I am always truly happy when someone one who wants a baby is able to conceive. That is truly a miracle. Just because I am unable to doesn’t mean that I harbor feelings of jealous towards those who can. The only time it gets difficult is when we see the dead beat moms. A few weeks ago we had a 20 year old girl come in and have a baby. After her delivery she took the baby to the Nursery and told her nurse she was gonna go smoke (something we allow our smoking patients to do, even though we be better advocates for the babies health) this girl never came back from smoking. She left AMA and left her baby there!! You would thin that was shocking enough, but it turned out she had done this twice before with her other 2 children. That sort of stuff makes me think the world is a bit unfair, but for the most time I am happy for other people. Although I was unable to go to her baby shower because I didn’t want to get emotional while we all were there for her.
The hard part of my friend having a baby is that I want to bring her in a gift when I go into work today and that means I have to go into Babies R’ US and that always makes me a bit sad.
Nothing really new going on. I have just been working the past 2 days. Work is going fine. I've had to repeat the same thing about my IUI over and over again though. That’s the down side of people knowing that you are doing fertility treatments, but at least I have more people praying for me.
One of my patients was really sweet. We take care of Antipartum (women having problems with their pregnancies) patients on the postpartum side. Some of these patients can be in the hospital for a long time. One of my patients has been the hospital about 5 weeks so far. She and I have a great relationship and spend a lot of time socializing. While I took time off she asked one of the other nurses where I was and someone one told her. When I came back she told me she had been praying for me. That made me kinda teary. Here is this woman who has been stuck in a bed for weeks and is having to deal with her unborn child being very likely not to make it and here she is sparing prayers for me. She is just amazing! I was pretty touched.
I'm also very excited because my work schedule finally got changed around so now I am only working 3 days a week!! And I get to go to full-time nights! I am so excited! I never though I would be a night person, but I love the shift. We are still pretty busy at night but it is so peaceful. All the lights are off; there are only a quarter of the people milling around...almost NO visitors! The nursing group is a younger funnier crowd...and we get paid more! My new schedule starts Monday so I am happy!
I've also decided starting today I need to start improving my diet. I can't run or exercise per orders of my RE, so naturally I think that means I can eat what ever I want. In the past several months I have gained 10 lbs!!! If I actually get pg then that’s not a big deal since for me weight gain in the first trimester will be a big part of carrying out a successful pregnancy, but if it doesn't work I am just a fat lazy girl who can't say no to ice cream. Overall I eat healthy. I don't eat fast food or fried foods. I LOVE fruits and veggies and only eat whole wheat, but I just can't turn down the sweets. Lately I have been giving into every craving. So I'm starting fresh today and going cold turkey on the sweets. Hopefully just that alone will help me loose a few pounds. I’m also gonna be a better dog owner and take my dogs for more walks. Of course this means I have to start getting up earlier but its worth loosing a few hours of sleep not to be a fat ***!
I had some spotting over the weekend. Of course bells go off in my head that maybe it was implantation spotting. It was very slight just a little when I wiped….twice and then no more. I’m trying not to let myself think too much of it, but naturally now I want to test. Several months ago I bought a **** load of OPK’s and HPT’s online. I used my last OPK’s this cycle and I have 1 cheapy pg test and 2 First Responses. I’m gonna force myself to hold out even if it kills me. I’ll le myself wait until 11DPO and then test everyday until AF shows or I run out of tests, but no way am I buying anymore tests just to pee them away.
A while ago I bought some pg books from Amazon. They were dirt cheap and finally arrived about a month ago so I’ve been reading them. Really, no good can come from me reading these books. Now I am hearing about symptoms that I have never heard of before….like vivid dreams and excess drooling. Did you know those were symptoms?!?
The past few nights I have had very vivid dreams. I even had one where I work up so pissed at my DH that he was lucky he wasn’t home! I dreamed that DH my BIL, his skanky GF and I were drinking at my house when someone brought up the idea to have an orgy. I was really drunk so I agreed. Then one of the boys (my BIL or DH, I can’t remember which) recommended we switch partners so I would sleep with BIL and DH would sleep with the skank. I woke up so pissed at DH for sleeping with that **** (even though I was just as much in the wrong sleeping with his brother). I went to work that night still pissed off and talked to a girl at work about it who laughed at me for being so mad! It was only then that I remembered it was a dream and could let my resentment for DH go! Last night I had a dream that I was in Harvard (which was really Hogwarts from Harry Potter) and we had this history assignment where we had to find all these cursed trinkets. Each part of the assignment ended with someone getting eliminated. In the first part I won the tasks. We were in this hotel room going through all this dead girls stuff and I put together the clues and found all the pieces. While doing so though I upset the dead girl’s ghost and one of the girls on the other team was left to pay the price. She didn’t die but was seriously spooked and ended up being eliminated. Then her team was pissed at me and was out for blood. Even though it wasn’t my fault, it was strange.
Then today I was eating a drum stick ice cream (yeah, I remember I was supposed to go cold turkey on the sweets, but obviously that didn’t work) I took a bite of the hard chocolate shell that covers the ice cream and felt all the chocolate melt down my chin. I went to wipe it away and it was all drool! Gross! I’m pretty sure that had nothing to do with being pg. It was more that I am such a pig I was salivating at the thought of the ice cream, but in the back of my head I wondered……
The books I got are pretty good. I was looking for something not so clinical since I know all that stuff already. (or at least the basics that the books teach you) I wanted more fun reads so I bought both of Jenny McCarthy’s books, Belly Laughs and Baby Laughs (I wasn’t so impressed with them. She tried to be funny and cleaver without actually hitting the mark on either) I also got Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your miracle makes you miserable. And I got my DH Pregnancy Sucks for Men. I doubt he will ever read it but I wanted to see what kind of advice they give men. I started the Pregnancy Sucks book last night and I laughed my *** off! It is so funny and cleaver! Don’t let the title scare you. It is very well written.
Well I better go do something productive before work. My new schedule starts today! I’m looking forward to my 3 day work week!
I had exactly 3 HPT's in my bathroom cabinet. I am now down to one. Those suckers are not safe to keep in the house!! From now on I'm not buying any until I am at least 14 DPO.
Obviously they were BFN's otherwise I would be posting something different..... My first one though, an internet cheapy did show a slight line, but that was 20 minutes later....I didn't count it as anything because I don't think it was. My First Response I took today was a blazing BFN.
I really hope I hold out until Sunday to take the last test. Who wants to take best I don't make it!
I have been feeling crampy on and off the past few days. Nothing so far today though. FF says I average a 27 day cycle. Cd 27 is today, although AF is due tomorrow. I have the feeling I’ll start tomorrow night while I’m at work. That’s usually how it goes. I’m hoping work is slow and I won’t be needed tomorrow. I always think in the back of my head that if I lie down and wish AF away it will work. Although, if I’m not pg then I’m not pg. Nothing can change that. I just have to learn better acceptance.
I am sooo sleepy today! I really should just go back to bed but the damn phone keeps ringing! I’ve worked Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday I was so annoyed. I got off work at 7am, but didn’t get out till closer to 8am. Then went to the barn and got home and into bed around 11:30. Then the phone rang! It rang again at 12:30 and then again at 2:00…and AGAIN at 3:30. My friends and family know better then to try to call….it was the damn Disabled American veterans looking for donations. WHY do they have to call 3 times??? I gave up trying to sleep at that point. Then yesterday, my day off I again went to the barn after work and got to be later. The phone calls kept coming. I forgot I told a friend I’d help her shop for something sexy to wear for her ****buddy. This is another nurse I work with. Normally I do not condone cheating. I have even ended a friendship over one of my friends cheating on her DH with his best friend, but in the RN’s case I make an acceptation. She and her DH have been married 15 years. The only time they had a normal sex life is when they were TTC. They went through fertility treatments and ended up with identical twin girls. Since the girls were born, 11 years ago RN and her DH have had sex only 3 times. The last time was in 2000! So it has now been 6 years with nothing! No kissing, no handholding…no nothing. It is not for lack of trying on her part. He keeps telling her he is not interested. She gave up trying 2 years ago. They get along fine…they never fight go on vacations together and have a good time and do family stuff but there is no sex. I feel for her. I cannot imagine staying married to my DH if he wouldn’t touch me for that long. Now she has taken up a friend with benefits. She and this guy have no relationship outside of sex. There is no emotional connection. All their encounters have been in a car! That’s kind of funny to me. She is 39 and having sex with another man in her minivan! Last night they were supposed to go to a hotel together for the night. I generally stay out of it but she needed an alibi, and I was promised a free dinner. I cannot drink so I watched RN tip ‘em back until it was time to call her adulterer. He was at work and was supposed to leave, but his big bosses showed up so we had to wait until he called back. Finally at 1am he said he couldn’t make it and RN finally let me go back home. I was so sleepy since the lat 2 days I had a combined 3 hours of sleep. I don’t know if that makes me a good friend since I kept her company or a terrible friend for allowing her to use me as her out….
Sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t work out. AF started yesterday, I am so disappointed. Its funny cause I thought doing all the extra stuff would make me feel better if Af showed…..like I did all I could so I wouldn’t have regrets but in reality it makes me feel worse. I did everything perfectly and it still didn’t work! I feel so…I don’t know the right word…forgotten about or like there is no justice in the world or I really pissed someone off. Today at work we had a woman come in at 33 weeks whose form of birth control was elective abortions, she had 7 of them. She admitted to using Meth twice a day throughout her entire pregnancy. And even though the baby was in distress and its heart rate was dropping she refused to comply with anything the nurse asked her to do to help the baby out. She just didn’t give a damn what happened to this child and was planning to relinquish it. It was a bad day for me to hear about her. Why is it possible for someone like that to have no problems getting pregnant and then there is me who really wants a baby and I may never get to be a mother and experience a pregnancy and childbirth. It is so unfair. I have been questioning my faith these past few days. On Thursday I started spotting so I knew AF was coming. I just don’t understand why God does these kinds of things. Why give children to the scum of the earth but for those who are willing and wanting to have then struggled so much? The kind of God I thought I knew does not do those sorts of things. So now I am left to wait for a miracle from a God that I’m not sure I trust anymore.
Thursday night my DH was making me angry too. I was very teary. And all Graham could say was “I’m sorry” It really made me angry. It made me feel like he was just Joe Blow on the street instead of my husband who was experiencing this with me. I felt like I was going through all these emotions alone. It made me sad.
It is so weird because just 3 days ago theses last 8 months that I have been going to the RE seemed like a life time. Now that we are done using modern Medicine to conceive I feel like it was too short of a time and I didn’t really give it a chance. I am hoping to convince DH of doing an IVF in 3 months. I have to get me MMR booster because I am not immune to measles or mumps (even though I have had the booster several times) I need 2 different shots and because it is a live virus they recommend not getting pg for 3 months. I’m going to use that time to get back into my pre TTC weight and to work my butt off to come up with any extra money I can to get closer to the 16,000 I need to try an IVF. I feel like IVF is my answer. I will hate myself if I don’t try. DH thinks it is a lot of money, but people pay that much for a car without blinking an eye all the time. How can I put a price on my child? I’ve given up too much to let it end so soon. Hopefully DH sees it my way.
It has been so weird not doing anything this cycle. It took me all the strength I had not to call the RE and start on Clomid again to try one more IUI. I have been pretty emotional lately. I keep having dreams that everyone around me is getting pg. Last night I dreamt that my older sister got pg and was trying to breastfeed her baby but would pull the baby off every time it latched on saying it wasn’t nursing right and then would give it a bottle and put it in a dog cage when she was done. I kept trying to help her (my sister) and she would say what do you know? You aren’t a mother. It was horrible. It seems like every where I look there is something having to do with being of or starting a family. It is hard even to watch T.V. Last night DH and I were watching last season’s episodes of Scrubs and I had to make him turn it off because one of the Characters gets pg. I though I could handle it but she had one line that said “It’s been 2 months and I’m still not pg. This is so unfair.” We stopped it at that point. Try 2 years sister, and see how that feels! A few days ago I was working in the nursery, which I was fine with, but it was a slow night, so all the other nurses were hanging out with me too. The conversation turned to kids and they stated taking about soccer practice and after school functions and what a PITA they were and I had to leave the room to stop myself from crying. I know they didn’t realize what they were talking about would be upsetting, but it was. They are taking for granted something I may never be able to experience.
Every year for work we have to go through Abduction and Solace training so we know what to do in the event of an infant abduction and we are taught the proper etiquette for taking care of a woman who lost her baby. In Solace we are taught that people who loose their unborn child or people who suffer through infertility are not only dealing with the present pain, but they also grieve the future. I never really understood that until now. I’m sure it gets better but right now I don’t want to hear about what a pain in the *** it is to sit on the bleachers and watch your 5 yr old play soccer. I don’t wanna hear about how you don’t miss sleepless nights staying up with a fussy baby and I don’t wanna hear how your teenager is driving you crazy this week. Those people are so blessed and they don’t even realize it. They all say to me I know how hard this is for you, but they really don’t have a clue since they never had problems. I feel very *****y because I want to snap at them and say that. I want to say you don’t know how I feel so quit trying to act like you do. I don’t say anything though. I hate that I have become such a miserable person, even if it just in my head. I feel very alone and empty. I try to hide it from everyone though. I feel like it is not fair of me to bring everyone else down just because I’m upset. I think my front is working pretty well. Either that or every one sees right through it but is humoring me. Who knows…..
I have to go out with my MIL today to go to the Parade of Homes. I think I’ll go run to clear my mind so I can put on a happy face before she gets here.
These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's brown eyes and your daddy's ears and toes.
When my eyes are closed I think will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a grandma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my big empty nest.
I guess God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life he hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without. We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven Sent from up above
Since I have been unsuccessful in TTC and I feel like my home is very empty DH finally agreed to let me get another dog!!! This makes 3 for me. We have a Rottie a Yorkie and now a Boxer! I know 3 dogs sounds like a lot....especially when you consider also have 2 horses and a cat, but they each serve a different purpose and I have enough love for them all! Mainly I wanted another one though so I could have a dog to run with since my Rottie and Yorkie lack the endurance.
We got Dorian from a Boxer rescue and he is just as sweet as pie! He belonged to a woman who was a HUGE alcoholic and was unable to care for him. I cannot believe someone would give him up. He is so smart and respectful and not a minute of trouble. He is 3 so he is the perfect age to become my running partner! He needs to gain a little bit of weight and has a bit of an under bite, but other then that he is healthy!
The other dogs just love him! He fits right in like he's been here his whole life! My cat on the other hand is very unhappy with me, but she doesn’t like any of the dogs anyways....poor girl! But she'll get used to him.
I’m sitting here wide awake at 5am with a HUGE urge to test. I’m 12 DPO today, but that is just going off of when I’m guessing I O’d based off of O pain. It is Cd 28 and my normal cycles are 27 days and I have no signs of AF. I do have a tender ovary though! This week at work 2 different girls came up to me and said they had dreams I was pg. One said I was expecting twins and the other said that I didn’t find out I was pg until I was 4 ½ months along cause I continued to get my periods. I know I am not 4 months along since I had been having several u/s the past few months, but it was weird that they both had dreams about it.
Graham told me last night that one of his old high school friends is expecting a baby. This guy’s wife is really sweet, and has wanted a baby for as long as I’ve known her (since high school). Graham told me he felt jealous that James was going to have a baby and we couldn’t. That was the first time he had ever felt that. Made me feel a little better that he felt that.
Lately I have been very jealous of people around me who have kids or are pg. I hate that I am feeling that way. Thankfully I am not jealous of my patients, but other friends and family. I have become such a terrible friend….Jen, my friend who had a baby a month ago has been asking me for weeks to come up and have dinner with her and her Dh, but I have canceled on her several time because I just an not ready to see Connor (her baby). I hate that. I should be happy for her, but instead I can’t even face her. She is being great about it though, she went through infertility as well so she completely understands. I just feel like a ***** and a terrible friend.
I just spent a minute rereading my journal and I have decided not to test. If my cycles stay true to form then I should start AF sometime tonight. I usually start in the evenings anyways so I will wait until Sunday to test if I don’t start before. I’m sure it is just late since I am running more now.
Well, still no AF today. Yesterday I started spotting so I figured AF was moving in, so last night I put in a tampon before going to bed (I know, TMI, but deal with it!) This morning there was nothing on it. I’m not counting on that to mean anything except that now I'm officially late. I still plan to hold out testing until Sunday. I would not be at all surprised if AF started today. My max LP is 14 days so if I can make it past that then I will feel better about testing.
On Sunday we are going to Arizona for a few days. Grahams Company is based out of AZ. They also have offices in Colorado (where we are) and New Mexico. They are flying everyone out to AZ this weekend for a company picnic. It should be fun. We are going to a lake and they are renting us jet skis and boats. Although, I am whiter then white since I though summer was over so I’ll be blinding all those AZ natives! I better start applying my sunless tanner now.
It is a pretty small company so there won’t be a lot of people there…maybe 20ish. I am a little worried though because DH just hired one of his friends, Ray, to be his assistant. I used to be really good friends with Ray’s wife, but then she cheated on her DH with his best friend (I think I mentioned this in another post) and I lost all respect for her and could no longer be her friend. My Dad cheated on my Mom when I was younger. I do not tolerate cheaters. I think that is so disrespectful. Since then the couple has managed to work things out. Cheri moved out for a while, she moved in with some other guy (not the one she slept with) and now the 2 of them moved back in with Ray….yep that’s right. It’s the husband, his cheating wife and her “we’re just friends” boy friend. The whole situation bothers me. Over the weekend they invited us to go camping with them (to which we declined) but I guess as soon as they got there Cheri and Kyle (the “just a friend”) disappeared and went off camping…alone. Tell me that doesn’t sound fishy….. Cheri swears to Ray that nothing is going on, but I know for a fact that Kyle is head over heals for Cheri. Poor Ray just takes it.
I haven’t talked to Cheri in over a year but since Ray now works for Graham they will be going to AZ with us. We are only going to be out there for a few days. Sunday Graham and I are flying out early to meet up with some friends who live out there. Monday we all with be at the Lake all day and we all fly back out Tuesday, but not until late. I think our flight leaves around 9pm. The guys will be doing meetings and work stuff all day so that means Cheri and I will be hanging out… Alone! (Da-daa-Dammm!) That will be interesting and a bit awkward. My plan for Tuesday is to go to Ikea. We don’t have Ikea’s here in Colorado so I am completely infatuated with it! That is the only reason I agreed to go to AZ. in the first place. So if I have to hang out with Cheri at least I will be able to be doing something I enjoy…shopping! Who knows though, maybe things will be fine and I’ll end up having a great time with her. If AF shows I will just plan on being drunk the whole time anyways so it won’t matter who I’m with….the drunk me always has a good time.
I’m gonna sneak out now and go shopping for cute clothes to wear out there (against DH’s request (Shh! Don’t tell!) I have to hurry since it is already 11am and I still have to go for a run, go to the barn, finish painting my guest room so I can move a bed into if for my Dad who will be house sitting for us and take a nap before work tonight. It really is a shame that I’m to lazy to get earlier starts…