The bad news is AF started. But the good news is I just got home from running 5 miles! it felt good! My new doggie came along and he kept up the whole time. It was nice. I need to get my butt in gear and get healthier. I weighted myself this morning and had a bit of a shock. I am at my heaviest weight Well, I’m a pound lighter then my heaviest weight. I’m at 123.5. I know that doesn’t sound like too much, but keep in mind I’m only 5’0!: So I need to loose these extra lbs I packed on while going through my fertility treatments. I would love to loose 20 lbs, but if I loose 12-15 I’ll be happy. Hopefully by Christmas I’ll have them off.
Now I gotta go pack. We’re heading out to Az today so I can look like a fat beached whale in front of all Dh’s coworkers! Fun!
Well, I made it through the trip, but just barely. The first few days were a lot of fun. Sunday we went out with some people who were friends of friends. I was a little nervous on how that would go since I feel shy when I’m first getting to know someone, but it was a lot of fun. They are both artist (very good ones) so they took us to their studios and showed us their stuff, then we went out to eat and out to a cool bar for drinks. It was a good time. On Monday we went to the Lake and Dh’s company rented us boats and jet skis and took us out. It was a good time. This was the first time I had to be around Cheri but it was fine cause I was drunkity drunk drunk and there were other people around. We went tubing and water skiing, I was so sore the next day from playing so hard. We all went out to eat afterwards at a very fancy steak place and then Cheri started getting on my nerves. Actually it was one thing that she said that really got me irritated. We all were talking about having a company ski trip in Colorado when it starts to snow and Cheri says I can’t go snowboarding this year. I ask why and she says very matter of fact, “Because I will be pg next month.” I say Oh and just leave it at that. I haven’t talked to Cheri in over a year but I know she knows about my fertility problems since Ray knows about them. I was very irritated that she showed so little compassion and she was so damn sure that she will get pg the first time she tried. Just another ****ty person having a baby, It is sad really because she would rather go out and drink and smoke up then take care of her 3 yr old son now. Her poor son sees her as little as it is that he cries when she tries to take him from Ray…and now she wants another.
After she said that I don’t know if she got more of an attitude or I was just overly annoyed with her but she became a princess. At dinner she threw a fit because we were at a steak restaurant and she claimed she was a vegetarian (despite the fact that she ate meat all day the day before ) she complained about her meal. The table we were sat at was one of those half booths. Half chair tables and there were 15 of us so they wanted to put all the tables together. Made since to me. It was a business dinner they should eat together as a group. But the Princess threw a fit about that too. She said How are we going to get out to go to the bathroom? So I told her if it is tat big of a deal to her go sit on the other side. But she didn’t and they did move the tables. I was annoyed that she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and then ordered a pricey appetizer as well as a dessert and then complained about it all. Granted the company is doing well, but it is a small company, They didn’t have a lot of money. I always order conservatively when they are footing the bill and I feel others should too. Maybe that is just me though….
On Tuesday the Princess and I had to hang out together while the guys did business meetings. One of the Az guys had arranged for us to go to his wife’s barn. She runs a boarding facility and they had graciously offered for us to go there, but then Princess throws another fit saying “I ain’t going to see no horses” I swear this is how she talks….the thinks she’s a gangster. She says “aint no one making me ride a horse” So I say no one is going to force you to do anything. If you don’t want to ride you don’t have to. But she was being so nasty and throwing such a fit that we didn’t end up going. We went to Ikea and to their mall. By the end of the day I had my fill of her bad attitude s owe went back to the office to wait for the guys because I really could not take another second with her. The boys finished up their work and then we all went to the airport where I learned that DH offered to drive Ray and his princess home. I was not too happy about that. After we got off the plane Dh and I were walking slowly to wait for them and Cheri kept walking slower trying to loose us. My Dh is a bit oblivious so I was like **** it, and started to walk at my normal pace. Dh got irritated with my and said “are you guys competing to see who can be the bigger *****? Then I was down right pissed. I told him that I spent all day trying to be nice to her and she had an attitude all day. I know Ray was his friend but when they are purposely trying to loose us walking I’m not gonna keep waiting for them so after we got our checked bags I left all three of them and walked to the car alone. I will admit at that point I was being a bit childish but I didn’t care. I had my fill. Once Dh talked to Ray and to me about Cheri’s attitude he apologized to me and said he didn’t realize what I had to put up with. I will defiantly come up with an excuse not to go to the next company outing if she will be there…
Once we got home we got some bad news too. Dh’s friend who we just found out was pg had a miscarriage. My heart just breaks for them. I feel so horrible now that I was ever jealous. I know Heidi wanted a baby so badly. James was not quite ready. He is still trying to live the frat boy life but he told Dh that it was the saddest day of his life when they went in and saw no heartbeat. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I hate that they have to go through this.
Hearing about their miscarriage lead Graham and me into a great conversation. We talked about our fertility and Graham told me how badly he wants to have a baby and how he feels like a failure as a husband because he cannot provide one for me. That was hard to hear. I always felt like I was the failure, not him. I am the one with the fertility problems not him. Medically from his side things are great. He said because he cannot provide the 16,000 needed to do IVF he felt like a failure. It was a painful conversation but it was good because all this time that I have been feeling alone so has he. I use this board, running, my friends and family and my horses as an outlet but Graham is so buys working and is so privet that he bottles it all up so he has been so stressed. I haven’t told Graham that I keep a TTC journal. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel like I wouldn’t be as honest and open with my feelings if I was worried he would read this and get upset by something I was venting about. I did end up telling him about it and told him how much it helps. I told him he should try it was well. The amenity of it is so nice. It is nice to know there are strangers out there that I am venting to that I don’t have to feel silly about exposing too much of myself to because they are strangers. He said he has often though about coming on the boards and sharing his feelings, I told him that is a great idea. I felt very silly first coming on here, I never saw myself as a message board type of person, but it is like therapy. It is so nice being able to share and hear about people who are experiencing the same thing I am.
I don’t think I would want to read Dh’s journal if he ever made one but I really hope he does to have a place to sort out his feelings.
On a happier and less *****y note...I was a good girl and ran twice while I was in Az… 5 miles each time! So for me! I havent gone today yet though....I really should but I bet I won't sinceI'm a whimp and it it too hot out right now and I have to work tonight. Guess I shouldn't have ate that burger from Burger King for lunch.
I have nothing to report on the TTC front. I have been toying with the thought of using some OPK’s this month, just to see. I have to go grocery shopping later so maybe if they are on sale I’ll get some. My sister wants me to make a cake for her DH for his birthday tomorrow. I have also been craving chips and salsa so I think I’ll make that too and bring it to my BIL’s b-day party. When we were in AZ our artist friends took us to a Mexican restaurant where they used sweet potatoes to make chips and they were soooo good!! I normally don’t eat chips (I know that’s weird. I also don’t eat French fries either. They just don’t appeal to me) But those sweet potato ships were so yummy! Plus they are so much healthier then normal potato chips I was reading through my Runners World last night and low and behold they had a recipe for making them in the oven so I think I’ll try that out.
So I’m being a very lazy slug today….granted I worked last night and have only had 5ish hours of sleep I just can’t get myself moving this morning, or I guess this afternoon since it is almost 3. Last night was kinda a slow night at work which was nice. I was so sleepy. I really have no reason to be. Last week I only worked 12 hours and this week because we went to AZ I only worked another 12 hours so it’s not like I’ve been working too much. I really need to go run. I hate running when it is hot out though and although it is overcast and not hot out it is still almost 80 so I am using that as an excuse. My dogs could really use the run. Last weekend DH and I planted some trees in our backyard and one of the rotten dogs keeps digging up one of them! I don’t know which one is doing it and I’m worried that because they have exposed the root ball several times my poor little tree won’t make it. Although, I guess I’m not that worried since I’m on here instead of outside trying to cover it back up. Now that I’ve said that I feel guilty for my poor baby tree so I’m off to save it!
Obviously my poor little tree is gonna die out there…. I got stated reading posts and it got me thinking. So many people out there seem so much stronger then me. I admire those able to find peace with their infertility. I hope some day I can do that. I have also come to terms with it (more or less) but it gets hard when I look into the future and now have to face the fact that biological children of my own may not be there.
I also knew it would take me a while to have children. I had no reason for thinking that, I just knew it and I guess in some way prepared myself for it mentally so when I actually heard it come from the RE’s mouth I wasn’t as shocked. I am okay with it taking a while. I’m not a very religious person but I do believe everything happens in Gods time. I am not okay, however with it never happening.
I know my future won’t be a childless one. At some point we will look into adoption. Although I would love an adopted child just as much as a biological one it makes me sad to think that I will be missing out still. I really want the whole experience of becoming a mother. I want to experience all the morning sickness, the little movements only I can feel the bond that is created between a mother and child before it is even born. I want to see the look on my husbands face when I give birth to a little miracle that is a part of both of us and I want to strengthen the bond my baby and I would share through breastfeeding. I know that you can breastfeed an adopted baby, and although I have no problems with others doing it, it is just not for me.
I have been thinking a lot about the title of my journal and it has always not sat well with me. 25 and infertile? I will not be 25 and infertile. This sounds so silly but my mother always told me (or was it my father?) “Think positive and positive things will happen” accepting that I am 25 and infertile is in no way positive so I am changing my title. One of the other girls posted a website with a t-shirt that said “Out of difficulties grows miracles” I find that so inspiring. I will get a miracle, some day.
We just take it day by day (and some time moment by moment) and keep trying to be optimistic.
I just got home from running. I had a sucky run today. I think I’m coming down with a chest cold. I had trouble running more then ½ mile at a time today and I am starting to get a productive cough. Blah! I hate when I have to force myself to run. But half way through the high school track team started running at the lake too so I forced myself to run the rest so I wouldn’t get showed up by a bunch of kids! Now I feel like I need a nap.
Yesterday I had an awesome run. I try to run 4 miles a day, around a lake close to my house and back. It usually takes me 45-50 minutes. I’m not a fast runner, but yesterday I did the whole thing in 30 minutes!! That’s less then a 10 minute mile!! I was very proud of myself!
Nothing exciting happening on the TTC front. Today is CD 11 which is good. I have to work the next 2 days, but I should be home on the nights close to O. I am feeling a lot of ovarian pain, well not really pain but pressure and cramping. Hopefully that is a good sign. I really need to pick up some OPK’s to see if I am Oing on my own. Hopefully I’m not too tired to stop and do that tomorrow on the way home.
Nothing new to report…I never have anything new to report anymore. DH has been working crazy hours lately. Today is Wednesday and he has already worked almost 50 hours. So I’m sure his sperm count has gone to ****. Oh well. I should be Oing soon so we’ll be BDing anyways…I’m making DH stop on the way home and get some OPK’s sine I’m being too lazy to do it myself. He didn’t even put up a fuss when I asked. I was pretty shocked about that. He has a strict no tampon buying rule so I didn’t think he would like buying OPK’s. But he will…..what a good guy!
My horse hurt himself yesterday while escaping from his stall (the bone head) so I spent a large chuck of my day icing his swollen leg I really should go run but since I really haven’t slept today after working all night I don’t have the energy. What I need to do is go take a shower and wash off the barn smell and then start dinner.
So far no BFP on the OPK’s. I’m still waiting to test for today. I work up this morning in a panic and ran out the door cause I work up late and forgot I had blanketed my horse and I didn’t want him get too hot. I spent 3 hours at the barn and figured I could test when I got home, but I haven’t had to pee yet since I work up! That is totally weird! I drink tons of water….that’s all I ever drink is water. Usually I’ve peed a million times by now, but not a drop. I must be a bit dehydrated from increasing my running. I really don’t think that today’s will be positive either. I have had a faint line for the past few days that is getting slightly darker each day, so I would guess sat or Sunday it will be positive. Which is good. I have to work tonight so we wouldn’t be able to DTD anyways….
Today was a terrible day, well yesterday actually. It started out okay. I worked the night before, then slept, ran, went to the barn and then we went to a going away party for DH’s cousin who is moving to the Cayman Islands. We were at the party 3 or 4 hours and came home to a horrible discovery. Dorian, our new Boxer killed my cat. I am so upset and shocked at the same time. My poor kitty. What a horrible way to die. We took her body to the vet to be cremated. I had so much trouble filling out the paperwork. I threw up twice while doing it. I just feel so horrible. I feel so guilty for wanting to bring an older dog into the house just so I could have someone to run with.
We were very diligent it trying to find a rescue Boxer who would do well with Georgie. Dorian showed a lot of interest in her, but never aggression. We never had any indication that he would do this and in the few weeks we have had him I felt like they were adjusting fine. I wish I knew what triggered this. . I don’t know if this was an accident or if he brutally attacked her. He has seemed to be such a loving dog it is hard to see him attacking her, but all evidence proves to the contrary.
I have no idea what to do with Dorian now. The rescue will take him back if I asked them too, but I am having trouble deciding what to do. He is a great dog, but now I don’t trust him in every other way he was a great fit into our family. I worry that he might attack something else…..not another dog or a child, I don’t see him doing that….but then again I didn’t see Georgie getting killed by him either….but what happens if he gets a neighbors cat? I am not a person that gives up on an animal. I use to think all issues could be resolved. I have a difficult time seeing me sending him back to a shelter. But I have never been in this situation either.
Please say a little prayer for my poor kitty Georgie and for me to find the best course of Dorian.
After Georgie died I was very upset. I wanted to give Dorian the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident and he didn’t maliciously attack her. I made it through the weekend, but I was unable to even look at Dorian, let alone be in the same room with him. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep him or not but I knew I couldn’t think clearly with him here so Monday I called the breeder and asked them if they would take him back for a few days so I had time to breath and think. After telling the owner of the rescue what happened she told me “I know this dog did not do it.” It had to be someone else. I KNOW it was not one of my other dogs, but the owner was very quick to say it was probably the Rottie. It was not Lola. We had Georgie long before Lola and Lola has grown up with her. She then said if it was Dorian it had to be an accident. She said when dogs go to kill they go for the neck, Georgie's only mark was on her side. She told me that they would take him back, but she though I should sleep on it before making a decision. I agreed to do so.
Graham parents had adopted a dog that killed their cat the day they brought the dog home. My FIL witnessed it all and they said that this dog just shredded their cat. There was a lot of blood and it was very obvious that this dog was going in for a kill. Graham has another friend who had a stray kill their dog and they said the same thing….lots of blood. Georgie had no blood on her or anywhere in the laundry room. She only had that one cut, which to me didn’t look bad enough to cause her death. We were beginning to think that this was an accident. Maybe Georige was running and Dorian chased her and grabbed her too hard. It was weird though because Georgie would hide in the laundry room. We have hardwood upstairs and it is really easy to hear the dogs coming and going down the stairs so it seemed weird that she would have put herself in a position to even be caught.
Early the next morning the owner of the rescue called me back and told me she couldn’t sleep thinking about this so she had called the women who relinquished Dorian to find out if he has ever been aggressive around cats before. This woman bounced Dorian from home to home and one of the places he was at was a farm with lots of barn cats and chickens. Never once did he hurt one. Again the owner said something else must have happened. She suggested another dog from the neighborhood, which is not unlikely since Georgie was strictly an indoor cat. Or maybe something else cut her, Again I wasn’t sure about that especially since she was covered in slobber. But she stressed again that if Dorian did do it and wanted to hurt her there would have been more bite wounds and maybe the slobber was because he found her already hurt and licked her in attempt to revive her.
I didn’t know what really happened but I had decided to give Dorian a bit more time and told the owner I would call her if I changed my mind. After getting off the phone with her I went to the laundry room and looked around to see if there was blood I missed or if there looked like there had been any signs of a struggle…there wasn’t’. One of the walls in our laundry room is not finished so Georgie had been climbing up there and sleeping. I thought maybe Marita was right and climbed up on the washer to look for any nails that might be sticking out. For Georige to get up to her hideout she had to jump on the washer then onto the water heater then up to the wall. I looked around for anything in her little perch and couldn’t find anything that looked like it could hurt her. As I was getting back down I placed my hand on the water heater and something sharp poked me. I looked down and there was this small pipe. It looked like a straw with the ends welded together and sure enough there was blood and hair on it. Poor Georige had caught herself on it as she was jumping down. It was way too high up for Dorian to have any part in her getting cut by this….it was just an accident. The vet confirmed that the pipe punctured her lung which caused her to die. Dorian did find her and as Marita said he licked in attempt to revive her.
My heart still aches for Georgie. But I am so relieved that it was not Dorian that hurt her.