Am I the only one who got really emotional last night seeing all those adorable kids in there costumes? I started getting really freaked out that I may never be able to experience seeing my child get dressed up and excited for Halloween. I ended up having to put all my candy in a bowel on the front porch for the kids to help themselves so I didn’t have to put myself through that. When I was driving into work last night I got teary seeing all the parents walking with there children and dogs and taking pictures.
I never though Halloween would be a difficult holiday for infertility. Kinda took me by surprise.
Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. We have been so tore in trying to figure out how to do the Integra Med program. While reading through all the paperwork I found out they do not pay for any meds nor do they pay for anesthesia. Without that included the cost is going to be undoable. We could have made the 23,350 work. We would have had to take out a loan but we could have managed. But with the meds alone costing upwards of 4,000 plus whatever anesthesia cost it would be impossible. It is very frustrating!! I’m just a kid! I’m not supposed to have to deal with infertility and trying to find a way to pay for IVF as my only hope. It sucks that it is so damn expensive. I don’t want to be forced into a situation where we are struggling to pay bills and we have to debate on buying food or paying for the heat. Then if we put down all this money how the heck are we supposed to afford to raise a child?? They can’t live off love alone! It is unfair.
I have been putting a lot of thought into what we will do if we don’t do the IVF. Is it even worth it to try more IUI’s? Then we found out that DH has a prostate infection and E. Coli (They are suspecting Spinach as the culprit for the E.Coli which is just perfect since it is like pulling teeth to get that man to eat anything green! Now I won’t be able to get him within 10 ft of a veggie.) So they are treating him with a heavy dose of antibiotics. We asked if the Prostate infection could affect the quality of his sperm and they said it was possible. His last SA was so long ago and although they did the wash with the IUI’s they didn’t culture the sperm so we don’t know if he had it then as well. So I’m hopeful getting that infection out and clearing up the E.Coli will help.
If we don’t do the IVF I am also going to go and have my Pituitary tumor treated or removed. My lab work that is off (FSH, LH etc) is a pituitary secreting hormone. My current Endo as well as my RE say they do not think it is related. But my first Endo I went to when I was first diagnosed with the tumor told me I would have problems TTC. I wish I could go back to him but my work switched insurance plans and he does not take Cigna. I in my eyes, though when the labs that are preventing me from getting pg are the same ones that are produced where I happen to have a tumor I can see a correlation. My current Endo is a good doctor, but he has a focus on diabetes and metabolism. So I did some research and found another Endo how takes my insurance that specializes in just pituitary tumors. So I am going to make an appointment with her as soon as the stupid referral lady at my PCP’s office learns how to properly use a fax machine. She said she faxed the referral over 3 times and they have yet to receive it. Grr!
So I'm hoping that if DH gets healthy and I get my tumor treated then we may be sucessful.
We have another month to decide what we want to do as far and moving into a cardboard box to afford IVF. I just have to remind myself everything happens for a reason and things will work out themselves out.
Thank God for short periods!!! Yesterday I was so miserable. I couldn’t get out of bed all day. I felt like such a ****ty wife. I didn’t do a darn thing with my 2 days off. My poor DH came home to a messy house, no clean clothes for him to wear for work and then I made him go out and get me Boston Market for dinner since I didn’t want to cook.
Of course today, when I have to go back to work I feel fine since AF has left. So I’m being a good little wife and have already cleaned the house (except the bathroom) washed the sheets and am on my second load of laundry!! I’m gonna run to the gym and the barn for a quick ride then try to take a nap before work.
I’m so glad its Friday! Since I’m getting all our errands done today the weekend should be relaxing!!!
Since I have been ever so gently reminded that it has been a few days since I last posted if figured I’d write a little something and let you all know I am still alive, but just barely. I don’t know what is going on but I have been so sick to my stomach and so exhausted these past few days. So much so that I had to call in last night. I’m also having these sharp pinching pains in my lower stomach. If AF didn’t just leave I would swear these were pg symptoms, but of course I am not that lucky.
Although, it appears my DH’s coworker who a lousy excuse for a human being and his equally ugly-***-conceded-phony-of-a-wife-who-doesn’t-even-want-to-have-kids ARE that lucky. DH came home last night and told me they were pg. That is just ****ing wonderful. Even further proof there is no justice in this world. The two people who genes should not be passed on are procreating. Congrada****inglations Mr. and Mrs. Ugly! Your poor baby doesn’t stand a chance with ****tard parents like you. I put on my fake smile and sent a congrats card since that is what wives in my DH’s line of work are supposed to do, but ****! When is it my turn?!? Now all I need is for Ray and Cheri (the couple we went to AZ with) to announce they are pg too to make my life complete
Do I sound like a cynical ***** today? Well **** you to then. I feel like crap and everyone around me is pg and stupid FF tells me that this is cycle 30 for me!!! 30!!!! I’m allowed to be a bit sadistic even though tomorrow I’m gonna feel guilty for calling Mrs. Ugly names and telling all of you to **** off and I’ll probably come back and edit this all out to something more flowery and pleasant.
Until a little bit of my tact and grace come back I’m off to drowned my envy in cookies and cream ice cream with that awesome chocolate sauce that make a hard shell, even though I know I’m gonna puke it all up.
Well, I feel a bit like an idiot today. Here I am CD 8 and I took a HPT this morning, I just couldn’t shake that maybe my nausea was from being pg and I was one of those women who had spotting I mistook as a period during my pregnancy. Afterall my period was very light this time and I only had flow (very light) 1 day then spotting the next. Of course I got a blazing BFN (I think even the test laughed at me a bit for being stupid enough to think maybe…) I am still nauseated though. It sucks. I just want to crawl back into bed but I have to go to a stupid skills fair at the hospital today which is an annual thing where they make sure that we know how to use the difibulator and take blood sugars correctly and we have real life situations so we know what to do if we have a baby deliver into a toilet or something. (That has happened to use before) This is the last one of the year and I HAVE to do to it…even if I’m on my death bed if I want to continue working at my hospital.
I hate feeling so crappy! It has been such a beautiful week and I am wasting it away in bed. Blahh!
I’m finally feeling better today! I’m still having O pains which it weird. It feels like a pulling sensation so I think it is a small cyst, but it doesn’t hurt terrible so I will wait for it to go away on its own. Of course it figures that I feel better today. All week has been beautiful, yesterday the temp was 79! Today it is in the 40’s.
I am going to take a 3 month TTC break. I will still be around and still will post on my journal but at the hospital skills fair last night they were talking to us about bioterrorism and the importance for us to be fully vaccinated. So in order to be useful to my hospital and my patients in case of a threat I need to get some vaccinations and I cannot get pg for 3 months. I am a bit bummed. I always though it would be fun to announce my pregnancy at Christmas but that’s okay. I would rather wait then have a baby with some sort of disability from a vaccination. Besides, February/March would be a wonderful time to get pg. Then I would deliver close to this time next year which would mean I would get to take off ALL the holidays instead of having to work Christmas like I am supposed to do next year. It would be the only way I will ever get ALL the holidays off.
I’m also looking at this as an opportunity to get my body back into the shape I want it to be in AND I will be able to run to my hearts content. I am trying to put a positive spin on this. It will be weird taking a break from something that consumed my every thought for the last 3 years. I think in Feb we will go back to TTC in full force and use some of our Tax returns for some IUI’s. Since I’m so close to O this cycle I am going to finish it out first and I will get my vaccinations with AF in a few weeks.
So I had this whole plan…if I surround myself with fitness and health I will be fit and healthy. I already subscribe to Runners World, but I upped my magazine subscriptions to include Fitness, Shape and Cooking Light. I don’t allow DH to keep any sweets in the house anymore. Sweets, chocolate specifically is my weakness. I could eat it all day and night! I started off well; yesterday I was a good girl. I went to the gym worked my little arms until they were sore ran on the treadmill doing interval and sprint work I rode my horse and ate nothing but small healthy portions and drank my weight in water. The today I blow it all! I came home from work this morning and got sucked into the computer for a while, then I decided I was too hungry to sleep and the only thing we had that didn’t require effort was a frozen pizza…I ate that WHOLE darn thing on my own! That’s the thing about eating healthy….it involves work! After inhaling 2000 calories in 10 minutes I went to sleep and now I should be going to the gym to run for 4 hours to burn off all those pizza calories but instead I am cooped up like a hermit, back on the computer, in my jammies and begging DH to bring me home a blizzard. Ya know- because I need and extra 1000 calories in one sitting. So much for surrounding myself in fitness and health. I think I need DH to disconnect my internet- or at least block a few sites from me so I can actually be productive.
I’m gonna start taking my OPK’s today once I’ve been up for a few more hours. I’m thinking I’m getting close to O. I am having O pain, but I’ve been having that since mid last cycle so that doesn’t say too much but last night I was also spotting. I HATE that I am mid cycle spotting. I use to never do that, but since taking Clomid I have done it a few times. It is driving me crazy! It makes me worry that something new is going on. Although it would be hard for something to sneak up since I have had a millions u/s, and HSG, Hysteroscopy, an MRI, and a pelvic all in the last 8 months. Just something else to plague my mind.
Ugh! I am still so sick to my stomach! It sucks!! I have nausea medicine so I’m gonna take that in a bit here and go back to bed. Other then that nothing is going on with me. I mean nothing. Still haven’t had a surge. I was pretty sure I would have had one a few days ago, but no luck. Hopefully I have one tomorrow.
I took another HPT this morning, ya know, just incase. Of course it was a BLAZING BFN! I just though maybe…. I’m feeling better today, not great but better but I am having these burps that would make a trucker proud! I’m being lazy this morning but pretty soon here I’m gonna work up some motivation to go run. It has been a while (ever since my cat died) that I took Dorian, my boxer running with me so I think I will to that today. I have been just running on the treadmill but those trucker burps just slip out without warning. I would never be able to go back to the gym if that happened there!
My OPK’s have been negative also. I’m starting to wonder if this is an anno cycle. I have 10ish or so OPK’s left so I’ll keep testing until their gone since this is my last cycle for a while.
On some sadder news my DH’s Aunt is dying. DH’s family is not close to this Aunt…she is more of a nuisance then anything, Very non compliant, a failure to thrive. I don’t know how old she is Late 50’s early 60’s but she has been living in a home simply because she does not want to take care of herself. She will pee her pants or her bed because she is too lazy to get up. Nothing is physically or mentally wrong with her…she just is done living. Every time Graham’s family has sought treatment for her she walks out of it. Now though she has caught some flesh eating bacteria (Gross!) and is in her last few days. She lives in Arkansas so my IL’s went out there to be with her and settle her estate after she dies so they won’t be around for Thanksgiving. Even though this Aunt was a burden to the family and I only meet her once it is still so sad that her life has come to this. I always just kinda hoped she would come around. It is sad to me that you allow yourself to become such a mess that even your family doesn’t want to deal with you.
I work tonight and I also have to find time to make Jello shots for my friend housewarming party. I better get my lazy butt in gear if I want to get anything done and still have time to nap this afternoon before I go in.