The weirdest thing happened last night....I got canceled from work!!! I could not believe it. I had asked for a low census (where if out patient census is low and we don’t need as many nurse as are scheduled someone get to stay home) mainly as a joke. I called work earlier in the day just to be sure they were doing okay and jokingly said well write me down for a Low census.....and low and behold I got it!! Since I work with the newborns our unit is a closed unit....meaning that when we don’t have a lot of patients we do not have to float out to other units like the rest of the hospital does, nor does anyone from other units float to us if we are short staffed. Even though the hospital was technically still on disaster alert I got to stay home! I am just counting my lucky stars!! I really didn’t want to have to brave the roads. Although now I am having an urge to go get the last minute Christmas shopping I have to get done finished but DH went to work with his truck and I know my civic won't make it out of the neighborhood. So I am stuck at home today.
I also had a bit of spotting this morning so it is looking like my extra cycle is going to be a bust.
Ugh! DH’s stupid company Christmas party is tonight and I have to see that stupid ***** of a wife that is my DH’s assistant. I haven’t seen nor talked to her since we had to go to AZ for the company picnic and she acted like a complete monster. I was really hopeful that the party would be postponed from the snow. The owner of the company was in AZ and had to fly out today, I was assuming since the airport didn’t reopen from the blizzard until noon that he might not make it out but amazingly enough he is on a plane as we speak. Darn it! Do you thing it is too late for me to back out? I think I feel a migraine coming…..
I'm still spotting today. I am scheduled for AF to show up on Christmas day. Lucky me!
I ended up not going to DH's company Christmas dinner. I'm a bad wife! I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel like having to fake nice to anyone so I stayed home. Dh understood which was nice. I really have a terrific DH! Now I am off to wrap a TON of presents and clean my house. We're having a breakfast here on Christmas day and my house is a mess.
Sorry its been a while. We just keep getting pounded with snow here! It is getting really old. A few days after our first big snow storm we had another system move in that dumped another foot of snow on us just after Christmas, that took a break for a few hours then dumped another foot! Now, a week later it is snowing again! We are supposed to get 8 inches. I am such a chicken when it comes to driving in the snow. I hate it so this morning I made DH come get me and one of the other nurses to take us home. All this snow had made work crazy busy! This is usually a slow time of year for us, but when I left this morning we didn’t have an empty bed and we had a full labor board. It seems everyone in this town can get pg but me.
We had a good Christmas and New Years. Christmas was busy, we have to family hop all day long, but it was fun. I didn’t feel like going out on New Years, Every year we always go out and do something and I end up drinking WAY too much then feel like crap the nest day. Work has been a mad house so I really just wanted to stay home and have a relaxing night. We actually ended up going to bed around 11pm we watched TV in bed until midnight, said Happy New Year and then went to sleep. It was nice!
The last few days I have been having some really good EWCM and of course I have had to work opposite schedules as DH so we haven’t been able to DTD as much as I would have liked. I hate that. We will try again anyways because it is unusual for me to O this early but I an thinking that I am out for this cycle.
Last night at work I signed up to run my first half marathon. I am super excited!! My SIL is going to run it with me. We are doing the race in Steamboat, which is IMO the most beautiful place in Colorado. (If you are ever here you need to go there) I figure this will give me something to look forward to. The race isn’t until June. It will work well….if I don’t get pg by then I can look forward to running. If I do then I will be thrilled that I won’t be able to run. Either way it is a win-win! Well I am getting tired and hungry! I will try to update before another 2 weeks go by.
I am so sick of TTC! I have just had enough of it. I hate that it consumes my every thought. I hate that right now we should be BDing like rabbits and I don’t want to, so much so that I turned DH down last night for the first time. I hate that sex has become a chore. I hate that all the romance is gone. I hate that I felt this way long ago but Dh and I finally said it out loud to each other last week. I hate that when I am finally realizing that being pg may not be in my future is when DH really wants to put everything we have into trying. (Where was this ambition 8 months ago??) I hate that when DH and I are out running errands that he has to point out every pg women to me and tell me how lucky she is. I know god damn well how lucky she is and I noticed her long before he did, and if by chance I didn’t see her I don’t need him drawing attention to her. I hate that I see every infant, every toddler and every child that is out in public. I hate that I look at parents of 10 year olds and feel jealous that they are getting irritated with a child I cannot conceive. I hate that I feel guilty for giving up. I hate that I feel guilt over something I cannot control. I hate that I am turning our unused bedroom into a workout room. I hate that I wear this stupid pomegranate colored string on my wrist. I hate that I wonder if my patients know what it means. I hate that people tell me I’m young and I have time. I hate that I have said that same thing to people to shut them up when I don’t want to go into details. I hate that DH talks optimistically about getting pg and says things like “when we get pg….and our baby…” when I’ve about given up. I hate that I know that is his way of dealing with it and I cannot say anything to stop him without blocking his willingness to be open. I hate that every day at work the scum of the Earth walks in and delivers babies like a gum ball machine and then acts like their child is a burden. I hate that I see these punk *** teenage Dads telling their newborn to shut-up when it is crying or tell it to stop being a pussy. I hate that my friend at work who has also had trouble getting pg just got her BFP only to start spotting and then have the spotting turn to bleeding. I hate that I have to put on a strong face. I hate that my other pg friend doesn’t talk about her pregnancy in front of me and I hate most of all that I am thankful she doesn’t.
I'm feeling a lot better today. I went and got my hair highlighted and cut today. I have a new stylist who rocks! She is so talented so I am feeling very pretty right now. I think it might be the weather that had me feeling so *****y and hateful. I am so sick of the cold and the snow. The last 2 days, though have been lovely! We have been up in the 50’s. But tomorrow another storm is rolling in and can bring anywhere from 3-30inches of snow (depending on what news station you are watching). Ugh!
I am being really bad right now. I am sitting at my desk with a huge bag of Cheetos and Mt Dew, two things I rarely eat. I should be going to the gym but yesterday I had a bit of an embarrassing moment there…well two actually. I work up after only sleeping 3 hours after working all night. I was still tired but couldn’t sleep so I forced myself to go to the gym. I threw on some old workout pants, these pants are uncomfortable to run in with underwear on so I went without. I did my running on the treadmill, did weights (it was a legs day) and then rode a bike for a little bit. Then I went to stretch. There is about a million people at the gym because it is getting close to 5. So I’m doing my stretches...jamming out to my MP3 player, feeling kinda cocky since I just kicked *** running and doing weights. I move into that one stretch where you put the bottoms of your feet together and pull them in. I hold for 30 seconds, and then lean my upper body over my legs for a deeper stretch and what do I notice but a freaking hole in the crotch of my pants!!! Lord knows how many people I gave a show to!! The pants are pretty loose and black so I’m thinking to myself no one noticed. But just incase I decide its time to go so I head to the locker room and grab my stuff and walk out. I get outside and there are tons of people coming and going and 3 cars waiting for me to cross the parking lot. I am trying to hurry across to get out of their way and to put space between me and my little peep show. Now remember we have had 7 feet of snow fall in the last 3 weeks and we have not had but a few days above freezing so there is a bit of ice in the parking lot. I have never slipped on ice in my life. I consider myself fairly graceful on ice, just like a figure skater but with an audience of about a million I fall flat on my ***! I try to get up quick and pretend that nothing happened but as I try to stand my legs slip again and down I go for a second time!! It was lovely! :rofl: When I go back tonight if anyone points and laughs at me…or even looks at me weird I am quitting the gym and buying a gallon of ice cream and turning into a fatty!
On ttc related news, I am pretty sure that I missed my O this cycle but just incase there is still hope I am going to be jumping my Dh for the nest few nights in hopes of catching my O.
Wow! I cannot believe it has been a month since I last wrote here. I have been pretty busy lately. We have been doing a lot more social stuff lately which has been a nice distraction. Sunday though, was hard. We went to a super bowl party and there were 25 kids there. It was tough. Most of them were babies.....15 months or younger so all anyone was talking about was their new babies or when they were going to have their second baby. It was a bit uncomfortable. I have a friend who is also experienceing infertility so it was nice to have her around to lean on and understand.
Nothing is new with me TTC wise. Same story...different month. It is frusterating. It is nice keeping busy and diverting my mind. I have been running a lot more lately. I went and got properly fitted for running shoes for the first time so now my runs should get even better. This week should be a nice week too. I am at work now and I work again tonight then I have to teach a baby class at the hospital Wednesday and then I am free from work until Tuesday! There is a bunch of us renting a house in the mountains. It should be fun. A weekend full of drinking, snowboarding, tubing, drinking, friends, hot tubs and did I mention drinking? There are 28 of us going and all the people are so mellow and drama free that it should make for a nice weekend. I am excited.
Work is slow right now but I better cut this short just incase.
Sorry I have been MIA. I needed a break from the TTC world. I have just been getting back in touch with myself. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends , working on being a better employ, playing with my horses and running. I also started working with a personal trainer who is kicking my ***!! It has been 2 day since I worked with him last and it still hurts my abs to sneeze! He has pretty big goals for me. He wants me to loose almost 20 lbs and gain 5 lbs of muscle. I have to work on my diet too. My problem is not that I eat too many calories, but I don't eat enough. So now I have been placed on a 1900 Calorie diet. That is A LOT! It is hard for me to get in all in...expecially when you can only eat healthy crap!! It takes a whole lotta egg whites and grape fruit to make 1900 calories!
Dh and I are going to be doing more IUI's coming up in April. I am on CD 27 today, well 28 now so I should be getting visit from AF any time. So the cycle after this we will start again. I am going to ask that they be more agressive this time around since these will probably be our last attempts with fertility treatments. My break was well needed but now I am excited to get started again.
Hmmm...I'm CD 30 today. DH and I just went through 34 cycles of TTC on FF and this is the only time I have made it to CD 30, except for the time I went on BCP's so AF wouldn't be around for my wedding.
I am trying not to let myself think anything of it. I'm sure it is just because I've been working out more and my diet has change. Also I have a chest cold so maybe that is the culprit as well. I'm sure when I wake up in the morning AF will be here in full force. Stupid AF showing up late and messing with my head! That is very uncool.
On better news our anniversary is this Sunday. We are keeping it low key to save money for our treatments but we are going to dinner at the Melting Pot! Yum! And it’s supposed to be a gorgeous weekend with temps in the mid 70’s! Hopefully my cough will let up so we can go hiking or something.