Every month I think about starting a journal, but am hesitant to because I don't want to start a TTC one and then get PG. Some worry huh? I finally decided this month to start because, quite frankly, I'm driving myself insane!
My DH is a very patient man whose as anxious for a second child as I am, but too many details about how a woman's body works (or doesn't in my case) freaks him out!
My best female friend lives two states away, and though she's always there for me through e-mail and phone, sometimes I feel like a horrible person for wanting to talk about my problems so much, when she's got her own burdens to bear!
In real life, I have many friends at work and church, but none that I feel comfortable discussing this very private issue with.
My family is supportive and zany and wonderful, but for the same reasons listed above, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my prolonged medical problems and general craziness in this department!
It took us many years and several insensitive doctors to find one willing to help us.
My first OB did the 'oh you're young...relax...' speech for two years (I was only 19 when DH and I married and started trying) before taking my sporadic periods seriously and prescribing Clomid. I left him shortly after my m/c in 10/92. The reason...I'd started having lots of pain a week after my 'period'. When I called the doctor to ask for advice the recommended coming in. The took a pg test and in the lab...where there were three other women being weighed, having blood taken, and getting ready for their own appts, he propped himself against a counter and said 'Well the good news is...you're pregnant. The bad news is...you're losing the baby.' Insensitive does not even begin to describe that experience.
In many ways I can't even count the second OB as 'mine' because it was during the first visit consultation that she told me I should not even begin to think about having children until I got my weight under control. I've always been heavy and at the time I was at my lowest weight since college. Her words 'You shouldn't consider having children until you can take care of yourself.' I paid the co-pay and never went back.
My current OB is a gem. My first visit with him was so comfortable. He took me seriously then and now and willingly works with me wherever DH and I are in our TTC journey. It was under his care (and 250mg of Clomid ) that I conceived my son.
My pregnancy was one of the happiest times of my life. Other than morning sickness that lasted from approx four weeks until AFTER I delivered, I was the healthiest I've ever been! I remember fighting off the nausea as I climbed onto the table for my emerg c-section! I loved to sit in the recliner at night and watch him roll back and forth in my stomach while I watched ER on TNT! That and even before he was born he loved music! The first time I felt him move was at church when Paula Schneck (our choir director) sang a solo. And certain music made him
We started TTC #2 when DS was 1yr old, knowing it took us almost eight years to have DS. Because of financial considerations, for us, going past Clomid is not something that will happen. Also because of financial considerations, TTC #2 has been interesting. In the past five years my DH has been laid off 3 different jobs, so it always seemed like we'd just be getting started on Clomid cycles and we'd lose his income and his insurance!
In February 2004, a month w/o clomid or provera, I started to suspect I was pg when all of a sudden my breasts felt like they'd become possessed! It hurt to breath! And, my job was so physical in nature that it felt like every time I moved they were being ripped off! Not pretty when you work in retail and have to fight off wincing when you help a customer! I got a BFP on my first test! Three days later I went to my Dr's and had it confirmed by a test in their office. A week later I miscarried.
We took several months off simply because I was shattered. To this day if I look at the bfp I got or the church program my then 5yr old son wrote 'To Mommy Daddey and Baby, I love you. Nathan' I cry buckets. But, I grew hopeful, and willing to try again, in November 04. I was encouraged by the fact I seemed to be having periods and O'ing on my own!
In December 04, we decided to start trying again in earnest with the provision that if we couldn't/didn't do it on our own by June, I'd go back to the Doctor to start Clomid.
So...here I sit...still crazy after all these years!