A place for me...

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A place for me...

Every month I think about starting a journal, but am hesitant to because I don't want to start a TTC one and then get PG. Some worry huh? I finally decided this month to start because, quite frankly, I'm driving myself insane!

My DH is a very patient man whose as anxious for a second child as I am, but too many details about how a woman's body works (or doesn't in my case) freaks him out!

My best female friend lives two states away, and though she's always there for me through e-mail and phone, sometimes I feel like a horrible person for wanting to talk about my problems so much, when she's got her own burdens to bear!

In real life, I have many friends at work and church, but none that I feel comfortable discussing this very private issue with.

My family is supportive and zany and wonderful, but for the same reasons listed above, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my prolonged medical problems and general craziness in this department!

It took us many years and several insensitive doctors to find one willing to help us.

My first OB did the 'oh you're young...relax...' speech for two years (I was only 19 when DH and I married and started trying) before taking my sporadic periods seriously and prescribing Clomid. I left him shortly after my m/c in 10/92. The reason...I'd started having lots of pain a week after my 'period'. When I called the doctor to ask for advice the recommended coming in. The took a pg test and in the lab...where there were three other women being weighed, having blood taken, and getting ready for their own appts, he propped himself against a counter and said 'Well the good news is...you're pregnant. The bad news is...you're losing the baby.' Insensitive does not even begin to describe that experience.

In many ways I can't even count the second OB as 'mine' because it was during the first visit consultation that she told me I should not even begin to think about having children until I got my weight under control. I've always been heavy and at the time I was at my lowest weight since college. Her words 'You shouldn't consider having children until you can take care of yourself.' I paid the co-pay and never went back.

My current OB is a gem. My first visit with him was so comfortable. He took me seriously then and now and willingly works with me wherever DH and I are in our TTC journey. It was under his care (and 250mg of Clomid Biggrin ) that I conceived my son.

My pregnancy was one of the happiest times of my life. Other than morning sickness that lasted from approx four weeks until AFTER I delivered, I was the healthiest I've ever been! I remember fighting off the nausea as I climbed onto the table for my emerg c-section! I loved to sit in the recliner at night and watch him roll back and forth in my stomach while I watched ER on TNT! That and even before he was born he loved music! The first time I felt him move was at church when Paula Schneck (our choir director) sang a solo. And certain music made him

We started TTC #2 when DS was 1yr old, knowing it took us almost eight years to have DS. Because of financial considerations, for us, going past Clomid is not something that will happen. Also because of financial considerations, TTC #2 has been interesting. In the past five years my DH has been laid off 3 different jobs, so it always seemed like we'd just be getting started on Clomid cycles and we'd lose his income and his insurance!

In February 2004, a month w/o clomid or provera, I started to suspect I was pg when all of a sudden my breasts felt like they'd become possessed! It hurt to breath! And, my job was so physical in nature that it felt like every time I moved they were being ripped off! Not pretty when you work in retail and have to fight off wincing when you help a customer! I got a BFP on my first test! Three days later I went to my Dr's and had it confirmed by a test in their office. A week later I miscarried.

We took several months off simply because I was shattered. To this day if I look at the bfp I got or the church program my then 5yr old son wrote 'To Mommy Daddey and Baby, I love you. Nathan' I cry buckets. But, I grew hopeful, and willing to try again, in November 04. I was encouraged by the fact I seemed to be having periods and O'ing on my own!

In December 04, we decided to start trying again in earnest with the provision that if we couldn't/didn't do it on our own by June, I'd go back to the Doctor to start Clomid.

So...here I sit...still crazy after all these years!

10/92
2/04

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You know, sometimes I wonder if Earl is all there! He's as obsessed about getting dish network and/or high speed as I am about having our second child!

I understand, and can't say that I wouldn't love having them either. Our big dish is unreliable and the connection we have on the internet now is like driving on the superhighway in a Pinto!

But, as I reminded him tonight when he started spouting off information and price lists, we are just a few weeks away from possibly needing to go on fertility meds (can you say...money we don't have!).

He pouts just as sweet as his son!

I wish I could just fast forward a few weeks. This cycle has been so screwed from the beginning. I thought I started AF on 5/20, but it could have actually been on 5/15. I thought I was only on cd9, but it turns out I'm probably at cd14. For the first time in two months I had good amounts of ewcm....but I've had that before and later found I didn't really ovulate after all.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen. I hate getting my hopes up, but I can't help it. I just hope I can not spend as much on hpt's this month as I did last month!

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm harming myself more than helping. Today my fibromyalgia started acting up again. Not nearly enough to wish I had my ultracet, but enough so that I began to miss my arthritis meds.

It again goes back to the weird cycle I'm in. I'm treating myself as if I'm in the 2ww...which means all meds except thyroid meds have to stop. I know this because last year when I found out I was pg, my OB told me to stop the glucophage, cataflam, and ultracet (the pain med I take on bad days).

The on again, off again, cycle of my meds has got to be affecting my long term health. Many days I can put that thought out of my mind, but for some reason today it won't go away.

Man I sound whiny! But, at least I feel better getting the thought out there. I know if I mentioned to DH how I feel, he'd just say take your meds. To him, I'm not pg until the hpt comes back positive. I know that life begins days before there's enough hormone to detect. I also know that it takes a while for the meds to get out of your system (especially when the arthritis/pain ones are taken 3-4 times a day!).

Nathan cracked us up today. We had to buy a new microwave (the one we bought the week of our wedding 15yr ago went belly up Saturday) and we're horrible shoppers. Alone we are very careful with our money, but get us together and we feed off each other until we've drained out bank account! We were coming home and he commented that he was proud of us because we managed to come home with only what we set out to purchase. I said 'I know, because we are the king and queen of frivolous spending.' And from the back seat this little voice pipes up 'And don't forget...I'm the prince!'

I'm going to try and hold off testing this month for as long as possible. I know I think/say that every month, but usually I have something fairly normal to go by in the way of cycle days or temps and the further into the 2ww wait...the more anxious I get. I don't want to waste mega amounts of money this month by starting to test too early. I think I'm going to try and hold out until June 12th. That would be cd29. It's also the Father's day (if I'm not mistaken) the day of my DH's family reunion AND the day my son gets baptized!

That's the plan. Now let's see if I can stick to it! :roll:

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Well, it's started. From here on out I'm going to be living dual lives!

To the world I'll still be the mild mannered, generally happy (though often sarcastic) woman who loves her family and job and doesn't mind spending copious amounts of time with both!

However, in my mind I'm going to be analyzing every twinge of my body because this morning I woke up with painful, tingling breasts. :-?

My pms symptoms usually include this, so you'd think by now I'd shelve this as a possible 'symptom' but I never do.

You can't die from hope, but sometimes it feels like it.

okay...enough of this...I'm exhausted and little headachey and I sound like I need a raincoat in the worst way!

I refuse to end tonight wallowing...so I'm going to think of my boys! I am blessed to live with a quarter mile walk of my parents and my brother and his family. Tonight, we had my nephews (John Ross who's 7 and Garrett whose 4) over to play and for supper. The house was strowed with toys from one end to the other, the older boys were playing computer games and talking over each other because they were too excited to wait, and little Garret was following me around the kitchen asking 'Wha dat An Kim!' to everything! Those boys (but especially my son Biggrin ) are my heart. Oh...DH too! Lol :roll:

In the words of my favorite band (The Eagles)...All right...nighty night!

Kim

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I have had this song in my head all day long and it will not go away! Unfortunately it's one I can't stand! They play it at work as part of a dvd sampler. It's by 'they might be giants' and the song is 'here come the abc's'. I'm about to commit hari kari. The only thing stopping me is I have a very low pain threshold!

Today was a good day over all, although I did over analyze every twinge my body made, just like I thought I would. My bbs tingle, but that's also an early pms symptom. I'm exhausted, but I've been getting up at 4:30am every morning to go to work and working long hours the past few days. My temps shot up, but who knows where I'm at in my cycle or if I even O'd at all in the first place so it could be nothing! I've been short tempered (which for me means I'm very decisive - a good thing because I can be wishy washy - and more sarcastic/cynical than usual - which keeps my co-workers in stitches but makes me feel cranky!)...again early pms symptom!

It's still way, way, too early to even think about testing or even seriously considering I'd be feeling symptoms even if I was pg! Because this has been a challenge all my reproductive life (june will be fifteen years...gulp!) I feel like so much of....me...has been given over to trying to get pg, wondering if I am, hoping I am, preparing myself for the fact I'm probably not, realizing I didn't prepare myself well enough when I got a BFN, that I wonder if I'm truly losing my mind!

I am scared though. I'm almost 35 and while I know there are many women who do conceive and carry to term in their late 30's even early 40's I've had such a hard time getting pg in the first place, when I was supposed to be in the prime reproductiv years, that I'm scared that I'll be so 'challenged' I won't get pg again.

I've heard/read that every girl is born with the number of eggs she'll have her entire life. I think I need a refund because apparently many of mine aren't working!

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I can't stop staring at my chart. I know...I'm obsessed! It's just so strange to see actual dips and rises!

If I printed out all the charts I've done over the years, I'd probably have a ream of paper consisting of useless cycles. Entire months of cycles that had little to no temperature deviation. My OB calls them annovulatory cycles.

Even if I get a bfn this month, it's somewhat comforting to know that my body isn't completely broke! And I can say that now, when my hopes are only middling high but give me a 3-5 days when the imagination runs wild and I'll deny I ever said it! I want a BFP worse than I want validation that my bodies not broke!

The odds of it happening this month are slim, even if I did ovulate, simply because DH and I didn't BD as much as we should have. We managed to hit some key days, but because I misjudged when AF started and thought I was CD9 when actually I was CD14 we missed some prime days! Last month we started doing the every other day thing from CD10 through CD20! Not that it helped...obviously...but for that reason I'm trying to keep a lid on my hopes.

I'm trying to prepare myself for a BFN with the comforting thought that next month we hopefully will be on Clomid. I'd love it if it weren't necessary because we do end up PG this month, but at least the idea there's a 'plan' in the works doesn't make me feel so desperate!

On a side note, I was so out of it last night that I actually went to bed at 8:30. When DH came to bed just after 10:00, out dog Rusty (a minature pinscher -sp-) jumped on the bed and started hopping on my head. DH had to drag him off and told me this morning I didn't even move! My usual reaction is NOT that calm! ROFL

I'm procrastinating. I need to get ready for work and I'd rather be beat! Today is fire extinguisher day. On the first of the month, I have to go around the building and inspect all sixty some odd fire extinguishers. Yippee.... Blum 3

Kim

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Today's one of the days I usually love. It's cloudy, my housework is done, I have the entire day off, and my DH/son are out of the house. But, instead of curling up with a good book or watching a 'girly movie' (as Nathan calls them), I'm watching a re-run of JAG and wondering if I have time for a nap before fixing supper! I feel so lazy today!

Except for my mind. That's going a mile and a half a minute. 10 days. I've got ten days before I test and I think I'll go insane before then. My temp went up again today. On the one hand, I'm so excited by it that I don't know what to do. On the other, I'm so nervous that tomorrow (or the next day etc) the temps are going to start going down.

It's funny what tricks the mind can play. While the temps are up, I can pretend/hope that it means I'm pg.

Sigh...okay...I've decided on something to do. Rusty just jumped in my lap and he's in desperate need of a bath! Ohhh...Rustyboo...comere boy!

Kim

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What a night! And I don't mean that in a good way! I slept like a rock from 9ish until just after 3am. Then heartburn woke me up. I, fortunately, took my temp and hunted down the antacids in the dark but when I got back to bed I could NOT go back to sleep.

I lay there for over an hour, my mind going a hundred different ways...and none of them made sense! I thought about this sour cream dip I'd made yesterday, dental appointments that I've been meaning to make, whether the towels I'd washed had been put in the dryer because m son was going to need one in the morning, if Earl's new insurance would let him keep his cpap (breathing machine he has for sleep apnea) without a waiting period, why my sheets felt scratchy, and above all...why I couldn't get comfortable and go back to sleep!

I finally started to drift off a little after 4am only to woken by my son at 4:30 because he'd had a dream about zombies chasing him through the house. When I got back to bed, I did manage to fall asleep but my dreams were filled with weird stuff! I was walking through my church, hearing the congregation singing, but couldn't find them, ran into a friend of mine who'd had a baby back in January and when I reached out to take him, I almost dropped him, almost...I did catch him, but then (in the dream) I cried and cried as I told my friend I was sorry I hadn't been by to see her family in so long. When I finally broke away I went into some kitchen (it didn't belong to anyone I knew!) and was confronted by two huge spiders. Just as I reached for a cast iron skillet that I haven't had for more years than I care to speak of to kill them, Earl's alarm went off (5:30) waking me up!

I got up to help Nathan get ready for summer camp, but have been feeling out of sorts ever since. My lower back is killing me, my knee that the arthritis affects most feels like a balloon filled with broken glass, my bbs feel bloated and weird, and my stomach is growling like I haven't eaten in days! My morning coffee tastes like hot sugar water, I can't event taste the milk I put in there, and my nose is stopped up for some reason - which is probably why I can't taste anything! I know whats wrong with my back and my knee...it's still raining here. Who needs a weatherman when you have me around!

Earl asked me about my temps last night and let me tell you...that was out of the blue! I was looking at my chart (again...yes I'm obsessed) and he asked what the rise in temps meant. Not only has it been years since he's asked to see a chart, the last ones he saw had no temp deviations. It was so funny! I tried to explain it to him (again) and he just could not get it! This is a man who excels at anything to do with math and he was getting frustrated, not because of the chart itself, but because he didn't get how/what the rise in temps meant. Finally...I told him...'up good-down bad' and it was like a lightbulb went off in his head!

I am really glad I had the presence of mind to take my temp this morning in light of not being able to go back to sleep. I'd have hurt myself severely about the neck and shoulders if I'd missed a day temping this late into the cycle! It went up again to 98.2. I'm not sure what that may mean exactly. I'm hoping it's not getting ready to top out and then plummet though I can tell you that!

9 days....I have 9 days before I test.

Kim

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Today was a strange day. Good but strange. I slept like a rock again until just after three - again woken by heartburn. Remembering what happened yesterday morning I took my temp (this time it was 98.2 1/2). Good thing too because I could NOT get comfy again after getting back to bed. It's been raining here since Wednesday and rainy days kill my arthritis/fibromyalgia. When I finally got up just past seven it felt like my back/hips area had been wrung like a dishcloth! It's cleared up though, so hopefully my achiness will subside a little.

Going to work helped to keep my mind occupied for the most part. I know people thought I was nuts though because I couldn't walk past the food court when they were cooking popcorn (just didn't smell right to me!) and I refused to do any heavy lifting. The first has been a pms symptom in the past (heightend smell that is) the second was just me being overly cautious!

I did have some twinges in low in my belly today that had me wondering what was going on. Sortof like the way your stomach feels when you've been wearing a pair of pants that are WAY too tight...just uncomfortable and achy...but the pants I wore today were a pair of oft washed khakis that I've worn a hundred times before. Again though, my body reacts differently to pms when I actually ovulate. It very well could be my bodies warm up for AF cramping (which I get really bad when I O) My bbs also still hurt, different than last month though....more all over achy. Again...could be 'because I O'd pms symptoms.'

I'm desperately trying to read too much into what's going on in my body. It's so unpredictable...well...the severity of what it does anyway. I always have sore bbs, general bleh feeling in the tummy, and sleepiness when I'm in the throws of pms. The severity of it depends on whether or not I O and that varies also depending on whether or not I do it on my own or am pharmaceuticall enhanced!

I have 8 days...8days till I test.

I'm so fearful to take my temp at this point. It's so promising right now. I actually came home tonight and took my temp, just to see if it was still up and it was actually pretty high 99.9. I'm hoping that's a good sign for tomorrow!

Okay...nine hours on my feet and very little food have got me not making sense even to myself. I'm going to bed...after I eat a piece of toast.

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Okay, I went in search of toast and ended up with a slice of pepperoni pizza Nathan had left over froms supper. Good at the time, but by 1:30am I was regretting it! Can we say heartburn that will not die?

So here I was...again...middle of the night, unable to sleep, mind going a million different directions (all of them centered on 'could I be pg' and a review I've got to give at work tomorrow...it's not going to be a good one and I hate those).

I've already posted this question on the Feb 06 board, but I'm going to write my thoughts here too. It was like this Friday night, but last night was worse. As I lay there, my skin was so hot it was uncomfortable. Mostly my arms and legs, which was weird feeling to say the least! It had that dry heat, thin skin feeling you get sometimes right before you find our you're sick and running a fever. When I took my temp this morning, it was still up at 98.2. I'm really hoping that's a pg symptom, but as I said at the Feb board, at this point in the game I'm hoping breathing is a symptom!

I'm going to miss church today because of work...again. I love my job, but I really hate missing so much of church. I miss a lot of special things, not just the sermons, but the fellowship with the people, and things like today. They're honoring the graduates from this year, and that includes my Nathan who graduated kindergarten. Sigh.....

Okay...enough wallowing! I truly believe God led me to this job, a story that is much too long to go into now, and that he keeps me there for a reason. I'm also much too thankful about having a good paying job when there are so many out there who do not, to complain too much!

I've got to stop by the grocery and see if I can find REGULAR strength tylenol (It's so hard to find regular strength though because everything is 'extra or maximum' which are no-nos). I remember from when I was pg w/ Nathan I was allowed to take that in moderation. I hoping if I use it sparingly, it will at least take the edge off my discomfort. Because I'm in the 2ww I've stopped all my arthritis/pain meds and it's beginning to become apparent.

Okay, I've got to get church clothes together for the boys and iron my own pants for work and this is not getting my work done!

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I hate waiting. I want to get that out there first off. Closely followed by the fact pms symptoms soooo mirror early pg. It sucks wondering if every thing is or isn't a sign.

I feel like everything I write is a list of things my body's doing but it helps to write it. I think these journals are a good thing, at least for me, because once I get it out there, it doesn't build up in my mind anymore. So..on that note....

My temp went to 98.1 down from 98.2 - I'm really hoping the downward trend isn't starting. Sad
My bbs hurt, but it's a different 'kind' of hurt than it usually is. Usually (and this is tmi - if I ever let my child(ren) or Earl read this I'll be embarrassed :oops: ) only the nipples get really really sensitive/painful. This time they just seem really full and aren't sore unless I'm putting on/taking off my bra or my son sits on my lap and hits them.
My stomach growls a lot like I'm hungry (it's doing it now!) but I don't want to eat. It's not that I'm nauseous or queasy or anything...but nothing appeals to me!
I'm out of sorts emotionally - not cranky and pissy like I usually am during pms (short fuse doesn't begin to describe me!), but more impatient and just...weary.
I'm hot - my arms and legs and shoulers are hot to the touch - like I'm coming down with a fever...but I'm not.

Okay...that's done. I just want to test and get it over with, but I know if I test now it'll be too soon. Even if I had normal cycles of 28 days it would still be too early to get anything definitive. Because my cycles can go up to 35+ days though makes it especially hard to wait.

Yesterday at work whether or not I was pg was the farthest thing from my mind...which was good because it made the day go faster. We got a call from the alarm company at approx 11am letting us know that 'rack a and b were showing high temps'. What that meant was every freezer, cooler, refrigerator, and freestanding kiosk of produce, meat, dairy, and frozen product was OFF and temps were rising fast! I have never moved so fast in my life! Leona (the bakery manager) and I + 5 other employees moved carts and flatbeds to the produce/meat area and every single solitary piece of meat/cheese/seafood and refrigerated produce on the floor had to be taken down and moved to a cooler as quickly as possible so we could shut the doors and keep the cold in! By 4pm the refrigeration people had the problem fixed and so allllllll that stuff had to be put back out! But by then most of the people who'd helped before had gone home so it was me, the inventory manager - Scott, and the cash office supervisor - Annie putting it all back. I was whipped when I got home last night!

Then after all that happened I had to give the review I was dreading. It's this man who works at our front door who is very good at checking receipts and protecting the company assets (1/2 the job description) but needs significant improvement in the appearance/customer service portion of his job. I had to give him a needs improvement on his review - which means he will be reviewed again in 60days. If he doesn't pull it up to a 'good' by then, he'll be terminated. Man...I hate doing things like that.

I hope today isn't as drama filled as yesterday was....I'm not to sure I can handle it! Speaking of....time to get ready for work.

7 days....I have 7 days before I test.

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I don't know what's worse. A cycle that ends in a BFN after not showing much movement all along, or a cycle with dips and rises and certain O...that still ends in a BFN.

I haven't tested yet...something I'm fairly proud of Biggrin ...but I guess I'm hitting the protection/denial phase of the 2ww. I'm trying to prepare myself for a BFN on Sunday.

Okay...here's what's going on with me today...

Temp was 98 today, which was still higher than even the post O temp, but it was down from a peak 98.3. I just hope it doesn't drop any further! I asked on the Feb board and got the info that so long as it doesn't dip to pre O temps, it's still good....that's hopeful!
BB's are still the same, no real soreness unless I'm dressing/undressing or if something hits them.
Appetite still off but that's probably because I'm worrying myself into an ulcer!
I have gotten over the 'I'm getting ready to run a fever' feeling, now I'm just all over hot - but it's been in the 80's-low 90's here and I'm naturally hot natured.

I think my 'symptoms' not getting any worse has prompted this feeling of getting a BFN. Now, don't get me wrong....I'm still really hoping for a positive on Sunday....praying and hoping.....

Did I mention I'm also tired? I did a lot of physical work today at my job and people kept telling me I looked exhausted. Gee...thanks. :roll:

On the home front, things are normal around here, if short tempered males who spend entirely too much time in the hot sun can be considered normal! Earl reads electrical meters for the town of Clayton and spends all day walking in the heat while Nathan is going to summer camp at the YMCA and spends the majority of the day outside. It's been in the high 80's-low 90's all week and they're both evil tempered and whiny! Of course my mood being so...bleh...doesn't help matters!

Although, this morning I had a laughter/sniff sniff moment with Nathan. We were slathering sunscreen all over him in preparation of a day at the Y pool and I was calling him silly names to make him smile (he hates sitting still for sunscreen) and I called him 'lumper schnoodle' and he cracked his eye open (I was doing his face) and he said'Uh...mommy...six and a half year old boy here!' I laughed because it was funny, but it was a swift reminder that he's not a little guy anymore. Sigh...

Okay...JAG is on USA and while it's not one of my favorite episodes it is my favorite show, so I'm going to put my feet up and enjoy the last 20 minutes.

I have 4 days until I can test.

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AF found me today.

I'm so upset I'm not sure what exactly to do!

Part of me is wondering what in the bloody hell is going on with my body. Last month I went 40+ days before she showed up...this month she showed on CD26. What?!

Another part of me is upset because I now have to reschedule my yearly exam w/ my OB...and because he's out of the office until Monday and his partner is only partially familiar with my history there's a 98% chance I won't get any Clomid called in for me. Which means I'll miss this new cycle unless I O on my own again.

Mostly though I just want to cry. I had high (maybe too high?) hopes for this cycle because I so obviously O'd and had high temps for a good number of days. Harrumpph....I'm still fairly high, it was 97.8 today which, while lower and an indicator it probably wasn't my month, is still higher with my pre-O temps.

Sigh....I need a vat of ice cream to cry into or something.

Kim

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I'm just out of sorts tonight. I'm crampy, which is just another indication I O'd because I don't usually have fetal position inducing cramps unless I did, and a good deep breath from wanting to cry.

The weather has turned again so on top of all the *stuff* AF brings with her, everything from my lower back down is painful. I guess if I wanted to look for some good in the witches arrival is that I can take some of my pain medication again. Nathan had a t-ball game tonight and it's the first one I've missed. The idea of sitting on those metal bleachers, feeling the way I do, was enough to really bring on tears...so I opted to stay home. Of course tonight was the night they made him the 'pitcher' so he got to do a lot of actual playing. I hate I missed it, but I didn't have a long enough extension cord for my heating pad!

Okay...so...here I sit on CD 1 again. The prospect of Clomid is slim, so I'm going to be watching my temps and planning a course of BDing the way I've been doing. I O'd last month...I'm holding out hope that I'll do two months in a row....Clomid or no.

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I am kicking myself right now...hard!

The doctors office called and I MISSED THE CALL!!!!

I got home from work at 8pm and DH didn't get home until after 6:30pm, so by the time he got the message to call in my pharmacy of choice, the office had closed. I want to say some really ugly things toward myself right now!

What's even worse is I'd planned to call this afternoon to see what the verdict was but we had a dog and pony show at work today (the CEO and VP of the company came into town to inspect the three stores). Our GM had us hopping from the time I hit the door until after they'd left so I had no chance to get near a phone!

I am so cranky right now. :blowup:

My dr's office came through and I'm STILL not going to get Clomid.

Okay...deep breath...

We're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way this month and pray for a miracle!

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This has been a pretty quiet weekend around here. I managed to get both days off - which almost never happens - so DH and I got some much needed chores done.

I have been doing a lot of thinking though, about what I'm doing with my life. I mean...I've got a husband I love and a child I adore. I enjoy my job most days but, ten years from now, I don't want to regret having a job that brought enough money into the house, but took ME out of it in the process. I miss going to church. I miss seeing my friends because they work during the week and I work on the weekends. And, most of all, I wonder how much of myself I'm giving over to trying to have a child.

What I mean is...I'm sitting here wishing away my days until I'm in the active BDing part of the month. Then, once that brief period of time is over, I spend the next two weeks wishing the time away so I can test!

I need to make a better effort to not wish away my time because I'm never going to get it back...especially the time I spend with Earl and Nathan. There's a line from the movie Neverland that brings makes me sigh everytime I hear it. The little boys in the movie are jumping on their beds, apparently NOT ready to go to sleep, and their mother is trying to get them to lay down. Johnny Depp, who plays the author of peter pan -spelling of his name escapes me for now - pokes his head in the room and says 'young boys should never be sent to bed, for they always wake up a day older.' My baby is a baby no more. He's not even a 'little guy'. He's a six going on seven boy who will one day not want to do our '2 minute cuddle' in the morning, or beg me to play games with him, or listen to the stories he makes up about his action figures. He's going to grow up.

Does that mean I'm going to stop trying? No, I'm just going to get my priorities in better order.

Speaking of...my nephews are here and the boys want to go for a walk in the woods.

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It's hot. Nasty hot! Yesterday it was 95ish. Today they think it's going to get up to 98. I hate being hot! I'd rather be cold. My theory is, you can always put on clothes. Society is only going to let you take OFF so much before they call the police!

What made the heat even worse is our air conditioning went out Monday night! It was a frozen block of ice. Monday night at 9pm it was 85 in our house. At 5am it was 82! And last night (before the air conditioner guy got here) it was 89.5 degrees in our house! It was...indescriblable!

Makes me really glad it wasn't a BDing night! I couldn't work up the energy to fix hot dogs for supper and didn't even want the dog to lay next to me! Couldn't imagine actually BDing in that heat!

Well...it's day seven and AF is still here. My cycles are so screwed! Last month I had the non-AF with very little spotting on maybe 4 days out of seven! This month it looks like AF is settling in for a long stay. Hopefully though it'll begin to taper off. A week is long enough thank you very much!

The BDing plan this month...........

According to a due date/conception calculator I go to I could conceive anywhere between 6/23 - 7/4. What I do is punch in a bunch of numbers and it spits out a date. If my cycle was anywhere near normal - like last months numbers - then 6/23 is a possible date. If I go a long cycle like I did in March - then the date would be closer to 7/4.

So...with that in mind....DH and I are going to strive for an every other night regime begining on 6/19. I say strive because something *always* manages to come up and disrupt the plan!

I'm going to start doing something that we do at night with Nathan and have since he was 2. I'm going to write down my favorite part of the day (if I'm doing this in the morning...it'll be from the day before!) and my least favorite. I'm also going to try to include some stuff from Nathan so that when I look back on this, I can remember some of his zanier things!

My favorite part of yesterday was getting the air conditioner fixed! Feeling cold air pouring out of the vents at 8:30pm was almost enough to bring tears to my eyes!

My least favorite part (other than the air conditioner) was Nathan forgot to bring home half his bag from the Y last night and he got a slight sunburn! So far this summer (2 wks btw) he's lost 2 towels and a brand new bottle of sunscreen! I've warned him that I'm not sending my 'good' towels to the Y, so if he continues to lose towels then he just won't be allowed to swim! The Y rule is..no towel..no swim. And....he swam w/o a shirt (normal) but they played water games in the afternoon trying to keep cool, but he forgot to ask and the counsellor forgot to offer to reapply sunscreen so he came home with his shoulders and back a lovely shade of red! A blistering sunburn is NOT what I want to see on my 6yo son...especially when I'm paying $125 a week for the counsellors to watch out for him! He's under strict orders from ME to swim w/ his shirt on (which he's kicking and screaming about because he likes to swim w/o it) and to make sure he does it, I've already called the Y and made sure they understand why he's not allowed to be w/o a shirt, and if they do water games in the afternoon to help him reapply the lotion. Hey...I'm understanding mommy! Slip-n-Slides are NOT as much fun with a shirt!

From Nathan...the slip-n-slide was his favorite part from yesterday and his recreation (on our carpet...ouch!) of his biggest wipe out slide was absolutely hilarious! Complete with sound effects and and lots of 'shwwwooooshing' noises that recreated the 'water' when he hit the end of the slide! He's such a little ham!

Okay...now I'm procrastinating. I want to go to work like I want another hole in my head. But I need to start getting ready.

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I just realized how many days it's been since I've written! It's partially because it's been a little hectic around here between work, my car which decided to have tire problems, and just life. Another reason is I'm just now getting to an interesting part of the cycle.

Tonight we start the BDing part of this adventure and, wouldn't you know it, both DH and I don't feel well! He's got this allergy/sinus thing going on that's making him feel snuffly and cranky and I've got a headache that won't go away and a mild bleh feeling in my stomach. Of course! If it wasn't a planned, we have to do this tonight, BDing night, we'd both feel fine!

Nathan was very excited about Father's day and had gotten him a wooden plaque that said something like the greatest gift I was ever given was my dad. He picked it out himself and woke up at 5:45am anxious to give it to him! Earl and I have this long standing deal regarding weekends and our early rising son. On Saturday, Earl gets up and I sleep late. On Sunday, I get up and Earl sleeps. So, I got up and barely managed to get Nathan to wait until 8am to give him the gift. Of course Earl is such a softy....he loved it and made a big deal about hanging it up immediately, which made Nathan beam! I have two special guys.

We'd planned to go to church (me getting a Sunday off to join them is rare) but after the present opening ceremony, I told DH I was going to take some ibuprofen and lay down for a minute because my head was killing me. Next thing I know DH is waking me up at 11:30, wanting to know how much longer I want to sleep! So much for church!

It's been a pretty lazy day around here with both of us feeling so out of it. Nathan though has been a constant source of amusement! He's been running around wearing just his underwear and a cape he made out of a fleece crib blanket he's had since he was born (I gave him one of my old jeweled/gold pins to hold it together). He says it's not a hero's cape but a villans! He's been making up these long convoluted stories involving all his actions figures and a giant boy villian named octoboy - that would be him - an 'angry octopus like boy with not 8 arms but 12...and each one has a different superpower.' And each story he starts out like this...'Next...on Octoboy versus kidblather and the justice league. Octoboy's fifth arm can start tornados! Can kidblather and the justice league stop him before he destroys the city? Or...will it be toooooo late!" Then he goes into the story with lots of sound effects, jumping around, and...it's just too much! I need a video camera!

Okay...so it's time to get little one to bed and start closing up the house for the night. Going by my thoughts from the other day, I'm trying not to wish away my time anymore, but I will say I'm very happy to be getting to an active part of the cycle!

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DH and I missed Sunday night because I felt so horrible but we BD'd last night. According to one of the conception things I go to, the earliest O day would be 6/23, so starting on the 19th was just me being over cautious! It actually works out better with my work schedule anyway starting last night. If we'd started on Sunday, then the every other night thing would have put us BDing on the night I close the store and won't get home until after 11pm. After working a 10hr shift....uhhhh...not happening!

I still feel yucky. Kindof headachy, nauseous and walking around like I'm feeling/existing in cotton wool. I'm also very emotional. My brother called and invited Nathan to stay for supper and of course I said yes. Yet here I sit, in tears, thinking that the reason my son loves it over there is because he's one of three kids...and he's missing something being the only child in our house.

I know I'm being stupid but I miss him! I can't keep him tied to my 'apron strings' (not that I wear one! :roll: ) and I can't expect him to stay home all the time, but he's been over there constantly lately! For the past 3 Saturday's he's spent the day with them, he eats dinner there at least once a week, and he's slept over twice in the past two weeks! And, I don't feel like I can complain too much because each time (except for tonight) that's he's gone over there I'VE been at work!

I'm thinking this is just a result feeling so lousy, but the ever hopeful TTCer in me is hopng this is my bodies way of ramping up for O! I have in the past had a feeling around O time that I was coming down with a nasty bug. So much so that each time it's happened I thought about calling my OB and asking if it's normal! I don't remember it happening when I was a teenager and my cycles started getting weird not long after my 19th birthday. When you figure I've had maybe 2 cycles a year (if I'm lucky) on my own since then, I'm not really familiar with what my body does on a month to month basis.

Years ago, my internist unofficially diagnosed with PCOS, so sometimes I wonder if the dizziness, nausea, and general crappy feeling around the middle of the month is alright. I say unofficially because she told me I have a lot of the 'indicators' of the condition, but she never came out and said 'OK...you've got this...and this is what it means for your overall health and fertility.' And, because I've got so much going on with my body ANYWAY, in a lot of ways I'm in complete denial. I don't want anyone to diagnos me with ANYTHING! Sigh...that's not entirely true. I don't want my longterm health to be compromised, but everytime I plan to confront my OB, I chicken out.

Anyway...I'm rambling tonight and I know it. I'm just going to lay low and wait for bedtime!

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It's my day off today. I'm 'planning' to do some grocery shopping and some cleaning/laundry. And...in between as little as possible!

I'm feeling better this morning which I'm very thankful for. Tonight is an 'on' night. Something I've already reminded DH about because it's also church night, which means it's a late night all around.

DH slides in the door from work about twenty minutes before we have to leave, so Nathan has supper, but we have not. So, we'll get home around 8:30 (1/2 hr past Nathan's bed time). By the time he's bathed and dropped in the bed and we fix and eat supper it'll be close to 10pm!

Doesn't matter...if I couldn't control the Clomid fiasco from earlier this cycle...I can control whether or not we make/take the time to BD!

TMI warning!!

Sometimes I wish we'd had a better chance to be 'normal' in our marital relations. It's not that we've NOT enjoyed each other over the past fifteen years, but we've both made the comment, that the best sex, the most unstructured sex, we've had came before we found out we had fertility issues, the 9mos of pregnancy, and the year after Nathan was born. Because fertility has always been in the back of our minds (his during active ttc, mine ALL the time) probably 7 out 10 times we make love are according to a schedule (every other day), time (when I have time to lay down afterward w/ hips propped) and a lot of times even 'positions' are affected! It's especially weird for me because I never know when/if I O! I don't feel like I can 'relax' until I'm past day 25! So you figure 7 days of AF. Active BDing schedule runs anywhere from day 10-25. Then I'm on pins and needles from cd25-AF showing up!! Not much room for spontenaity and relaxed relations!

AARGH! I'm just frustrated right now...with life and procreation in general! I should be on Clomid...but I'm not! (through no ones fault but my own!) I'm sick and tired of 'scheduling' when my husband and I are intimate. I'm sick and tired of being sick...and tired! I'm going through a 'I'm frustrated and fed up with my job' period. I'm tired of only seeing my son in the early am before camp and just before he has to go to bed (I work a LOT of mid shifts - which means I see him before he goes to camp - but its that morning 'we've got to go' rush - and then I don't get home until after 7:30 and his bed time is 8pm!!) I'm tired of my days off coming mostly during the week which means I don't get to spend ANY quality time w/ my family and my social life is ZIP because everyone I know is at work when I'm off!!

I think I need a vacation! I've actually been thinking of going to visit Ann (my friend in SC)...by myself...no child...no dh...no dog...for a couple/three days. Just a few days of girl talk, sleeping late, watching what I want to on tv, shopping the stores I want to, reading a good book w/o being interrupted (she lives near the beach and one of the things we love to do is pack a bag of drinks and books and music and go to the state park near her home which has a wooded area right off the sand. We park ourselves in the shaded area of the beach and spend the day reading, talking, swimming, and just relaxing), just general taking care of myself, taking some TIME for myself.

I know that sounds contrary to what I've just been whining about (missing my family) but that's the state of my mind right now! Fractured and not making much sense!

Okay....I'm going to the grocery store and get my chores started. I want to be back home before A Baby Story starts. I know...I'm torturing myself!

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Yesterday turned out to be a nice day all things considered. My chores got done...eventually and I ended up spending a good evening with my boys.

I got the grocery shopping and chores done in plenty of time to relax. I watched A Baby story (as many times as possible!) and JAG and played on the computer and read a little bit. I also got to talk to my friend Ann which was sooooo nice. Then Earl suggested we go to circuit city instead of church to look for a tv. Our other one started messing up and we thankfully had the extended warranty on it! It turns out it was unrepairable so the store has to replace it. My days off have not meshed very well with Earl's lately so we're running out of time to tell them which one we want. So...anyway...last night we took the time to go see which ones were available. It was nice to spend some time with Earl and Nathan. We walked around the store, played some of the demo video games, shopped for a tv, acted silly and just had a good time. Then we took Nathan to McDonald's for a happy meal and drove home, singing to the radio and just talking and laughing. It seems like forever since we've spent time like that.

On the ttcing front, I got a nice call from my OB's office. They wanted to let me know that when I got to CD1 again they already had a prescription for Clomid in my file waiting to be called in. All I have to do is call them to let them know AF arrived. It's great to know that...but I can't help but hope I don't need it!

My temps shot up today to 97.9 (from 97.2 yesterday) and my chart came back saying I O'd yesterday. I hope so because it fell on one of our scheduled BD nights. Wouldn't that be convenient? Biggrin Now lets just hope there was an egg and it was willing to be caught!

I'm not giving up on the 'plan' though since who knows if it was really O time or not! So, the every other night thing will continue through at least CD25. At this point all I can do is watch my temps and see what happens.

I've got to work tonight from 2 to close. I'm not looking forward to it. It's my first night closing by myself so I'm a little nervous(w/ no other manager's there to rely on for backup) but it's more than that. I saw Nathan and Earl briefly before they left for work/day camp but both of them will be in bed when I get home. Then tomorrow, I work a mid-shift so that means I'll miss Nathan but at least I'll see Earl! I'm trying to be thankful that I have a job at all! There are so many that don't...my FIL included.

I think what it ALL boils down to is that all my life I've wanted to be a SAHM and for the first 3.5 yrs of Nathan's life...that's what I was. I miss it. But, it's more than that. I'm nervous about having another baby. Not being pregnant and working because I'v done that before. But...and this sounds stupid...I know how to be a mom who stays at home. A mom who breastfeeds on demand and has time to sit and stare at her new baby, to run and play with a toddler, to go to the park at midday, to have time to nap when the baby does, to keep on top of my housework, to have time to spend with my husband. I DON'T know how to work a 45+hr week job whose schedule changes EVERY week. I mean...financially...we would have to pay for daycare 5 days a week even though there's a possiblity we'd only use it 3-4 days because I'd never know when my days off were! And the baby! Schedules are good...necessary...for them. If I did have the day off, and kept the baby at home with me, how badly would that screw them up when one day they're in a structured environment at daycare and then the next at home with mommy then the next day back at day care with no rhyme nor reason to the days! At least with a M-F job you'd get a rhythm to '5days here...2days there'. I'm going to give myself an ulcer worrying about this!

I know I'm crossing bridges before I get to them and counting chicks before I know whether or not the eggs even been laid...much less hatched! I can't believe I'm actually sounding so insecure! What I need to do is turn this whole thing back over to God. I'm obviously not handling it well!

On a sort of unrelated note....

My SIL called this morning...asking if they could take Nathan to the lake again. Part of me wants to tell her absolutely NOT! But, then I wonder how selfish is that? I'm working all day on Saturday and the only thing Earl has planned are chores that will keep him around the house! Lets see...if I were six would I want to spend the day playing by myself while Dad mows the lawn or spend it at the lake with my best friend (my 7yr old nephew). There's no contest!

Okay...time to get moving. My coffee and strawberries are gone and I have things that need to be done before work.

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I'm at my wits end over here. My easygoing, happy 6yo has been replaced with an angry, sullen, teenager...and I don't know what to do!

It's been building for a couple of weeks but this past week has been horrible around here. Natahn has turned into an angry, mouthy, defiant little guy...but it's not coming out in violence or destructive habits. He's crying! Well...screaming angrily and crying at the same time!

Just this morning he cried (and I mean red, splotchy faced sobbing with an underlying thread of anger and frustration) about having to get up, having to take a bath, not having time to make a biscuit for breakfast, having to get dressed, not being able to comb his hair the way he likes it because he's in need of a hair cut, not being able to play while his daddy finished getting ready (mainly because he'd wasted so much time crying that he'd run out of time!), not being able to get the toothpast cap off and then to round out the mornings festivities he threw the mother of all tantrums...screaming, crying, hitting his head (to try and make his hair lay flat), and literally digging in his heels, yelling 'I'm not going to camp...no way...nuhh-uhhh...I look like a girl!' because his hair was over his ears and sticking out a little. He hates that. I told him I'd cut it for him tonight to hold him over till he gets a real hair cut but that only made it worse for some reason! Like he thought I was holding out on helping him for my own amusement!

So of course, Earl has the truck running, the lunchboxes and bags loaded up and is getting pissed because of 1. Nathan's attitude and 2. Nathan's attitude is going to make him late for work! So now you have to add a 40yo man's attitude to the list of things that went wrong this morning! Normally, Earl is the easy going one and I'm the disciplinarian of the family but Nathan's new attitude is bringing out Earl's old fashioned 'I'm the parent, the only acceptable answer is 'Yes, Sir. No, Sir. and I don't understand, Sir' tendancies!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm on Earl's side here! Earl and I were both raised to respect your parents and follow directions with little to no arguing and that's the way we've raised Nathan. We've tried to teach him that if he has input into a situation, by all means talk to us, but do it respectfully. Screaming at us, talking to us like we're the village idiot, and surly attitude will get you no where...fast! And, up until the past few weeks, ours has been a relatively arguement free zone. Lively, because you can't live with two men who are always positive they're the one that's right without it getting a little rowdy, but the arguing/talking was always 'respectful' and fun.

I'm not quite sure what to do from this point though. I've tried talking to Nathan to find out if somethings going on at camp to upset him. The house rules haven't changed. His schedule hasn't changed (unless you count going over to his cousins house so much in the past few weeks). He's not sick (or getting sick) which in the past has caused him to be angry/frustrated simply because he couldn't understand why he felt so bad.

I'm frustrated. Nathan's frustrated. Earl is frustrated. And it ain't pretty!

On another note, last night's closing the store went really well. I didn't get home and in bed until 11:30 so I'm tired...but that's okay.

Tonight's another 'on' night for me and Earl. I have to say that right this minute that's not a fun prospect for me! I'm still sick, although it seems to have moved out of my stomach and is trying to become a sinus infection (I'd rather throw up continuously!), I've got another 9+ hr day to look forward to on top of getting 5hrs sleep and my son's been taken by aliens or something!

I know that there's going to be a lot of changes coming because he IS growing up and trying to form his own opinions about things and wanting to assert himself and his needs, but we've got to find a balance here somewhere! I don't want to crush his spirit but I do want to nip this anger thing in the bud. Earl and I are both even tempered people so this 'I'm angry at the world - especially if things don't go the way I think they should' attitude is leaving us both drained and sniping at each other!

Okay...enough rambling...I'm going to go take a shower to see if it will clear my head.

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I think this month may be a wash. Sad

According to FF I O'd on Wednesday...which would be great because we BD'd on Mon and Wed. According to the chart I'm keeping on pg.org I O'd last night...which would suck because we haven't BD'd since Wed!

I've been not feeling well since last Sunday and it has gotten progressively worse as the week went on. We were supposed to BD on Friday but I was absolutely miserable (sinus headache so bad my teeth hurt, couldn't breath, sore thoat, having trouble getting a good breath through my mouth because my chest hurt, nauseous, and my body ached horribly). I drug myself out of bed Saturday and plodded through a day at work because I don't have any sick days to take and when I got home last night it was more of the same....so no BDing last night either!

I hope that FF is right and I O'd earlier in the week, at least then I'll have a chance of gettng a BFP.

Let's see...so far this cycle I missed getting Clomid because of playing phone tag until it was too late to take the pills and when we finally get to the active part of the month I'm too sick to move much less BD! Overall, I'd say that, so far, this cycle has truly sucked!

Now, here I go....off to work again! I wish I had some days off I could take without dipping into my vacation. I just need to sleep and take care of myself so that this 'thing' I have doesn't turn into bronchitis (like these sinus things I have usually do).

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Whew! I'm feeling more normal today! I've been up for an hour and am still able to breath without the help of medication so that's a good thing!

This morning went well with Nathan also, only one episode of attitude and that may have been MY fault! When I went to fill his lunchbox, I found a crumbly mess of crackers in the bottom that had mixed with the dregs of a juice box. Yuummmmy! When I confronted Nathan about the mess his lunch box was in he said it wasn't HIS fault. He started getting frustrated/angry because I told him he had to take responsibility for his mess. It turns out he was trying to tell me that they ate snack on the bus home from a field trip and he didn't have anywhere to throw his trash away. I told him that was fair enough, but he still needed to take responsibility for the half eaten crackers in the bottom of the box because he could have put them back in the baggie to avoid a bigger mess. One of the things we're having to work on with him is taking responsibility for his actions. Here's an example (other than lunch!) if he forgot to take his 'homework' back to school he blamed his dad. Usually going 'Well...DADDY forgot to put it in my bag!' When he knows it's his responsibility (and on his little morning checklist) to check his folder and make sure his homework is in there.

But, other than the lunchbox episode, it was a normal morning! Yeah!! Of course, this was a weekend we kept Nathan home with us. Because of his attitude last week (but especially Friday morning) we didn't allow him to go to the lake with his cousin. I worked all weekend, but when I was home he was more like the little boy I know and Earl said there were no episodes of anger/frustration on the level of Friday and only the minor skirmishes you'd expect from a six year old who'd rather play than unload/load the diswasher or put away his clothes! Makes me wonder if the problem may be coming from spending more time w/ my Bro/sil and their family? Don't know, more research will have to go into that!

On the TTC front, as I said yesterday I think we missed our window of opportunity for BDing because of the plague I came down with. According to FF I'm now 5dpo so I'm treating myself as if I'm in 2ww. Which I really hate because I feel so bad! It severely limits the OTC meds I'll take, that's for sure.

Because I feel so bad overall any early pms (or pg Biggrin ) symptoms have been masked. Although yesterday at work I felt a tingling/painful sensation in the sides of my bbs begin that hasn't subsided. Of course, I say this every month, that is one of my major PMS symptoms so I'm not reading anything into it...yet! Give me a few more days and I'll be reading symptoms into everything...limited BDing notwithstanding!

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I could probably save myself some time by cutting and pasting my posts from the March board over here...but I don't!

I'm 7dpo today and last month my temps peaked out at 7dpo before starting to drop. I'm a little nervous about that. Now, I've never had two cycles exactly alike and the odds of temps dropping this time right at 8dpo are slim, but I can't help but draw comparisons.

This is two cycles in a row that I've actually been able to GET a coverline...much less a string of days with temps ABOVE it!

Now...last month the temps rose steadily, peaked, and dropped just as steadily until AF showed.

This month...they're all over the place! High...then lower...high again...then lower...then same temp two days in a row...then higher again! Who can draw a pattern from that?! Disney?!

The only other thing going on is my bbs are tender. Again...early pms! One would think I'd learn by now that it's the first pms symptom I get, but I always hope it means pg. I remember w/ both Nathan and my last m/c that painful bbs and tiredness were my only symptoms. At around 5-6wks w/ Nathan I started having horrible m/s!

The only thing I can do now is wait and I hate waiting! Fortunately I don't have any pg tests in the house. If I can hold off buying one until I'm 13dpo then I won't be wasting money!

I close the store tonight. I'm still a little nervous about it, but I know that will subside the more I do it. Earl and his dad are also going to go pick up our new tv tonight. Nathan's excited because today his day camp is going on a field trip to the Durham Bull's. He loves going to the ball park.

Okay...time to get some things done around here before I have to go to work.

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How can a day go from not bad to 'you've got to be kidding' in four easy steps....by Kim!

Yesterday started out fairly normal, if odd because of working late hours. Then, being proactive, I went by the grocery store before work to get some dog food and a 'lunchable' for Nathan's lunch today (because I'd get home so late Earl was getting Nathan ready for school by himself and I wanted to make his life a teensie bit easier).

Step 1: I get there and find out the only dog food my dog will eat without strowing it all over the house picking out the bits he likes is being discontinued! 30 cans of dog food later I go back to the car and start driving to work.

Step 2: Right before I get to the exit onto the highway my car starts making a funny, stuttering noise, so I pass the exit and pull into the McDonald's right next to it. As I brake to make the turn the car absolutely dies! Stops dead in the middle of the in/out driveway. Someone inside saw and sent out three of the guys who were working to help me push it into a parking space. I reach into my purse for my phone and realize I left it at HOME! They let me use the phone inside and fortunately my FIL was home. He couldn't figure out anything just glancing at it (all the belts were intact and the fluids were good but it was still to hot to look at in depth). So, he took me to work and Earl and he were going to look at it after work.

Step 3: I don't have a master key yet so I have this huge key ring that weighs three pounds easy. Our personnel mgr was talking to me about an hour before she left for the day, asking if there was anything that made me nervous about closing. I said the only thing was that I'd leave my keys in an room that automatically locks and I'd be stuck w/ no keys because there'd be no other manager in the building. So...and you know where this is going....about an hour after she left I was helping an irate customer and ran into my office to get a phone number for them. I wrote the number down and hurried out so as not to keep them waiting and as soon as my door started shutting I realized my keys were on my desk! I lunged for the door but didn't get to it in time! So...here I stand...customer waiting...only manager in the building...and no keys!
Fortunately Brenda (the personnel mgr) only lives about 5min away and (through her laughter) told me she'd come back and let me get into my office. So...two times closing and I make the idiot list!!

Step 4: It's 11pm and I'm halfway home. My FIL has thankfully waited for me to be off work to come get me and bring me home. He'd told Earl he would because there was no sense in dragging Nathan out of bed at 10pm just to come get me. So...we get halfway home and I realize the lunchable that I bought to help Earl out this morning with the getting ready process is sitting in the breakroom refrigerator!! As I inwardly moaning about that, my FIL tells me the car had to be towed (money we don't have) from McD's to home and it might be the oil pump (again money we don't have!).

So...a normal day went down hill fast!

On the waiting to test front.....

This morning my temp went down to 97.1. Sad It's below the coverline and dropped from 97.7 yesterday. That's probably a good indication that this month is a wash. I'm still going to temp, but I don't expect anything out of this month.

So...now my day (today) is starting out crappy. My temps are down, I haven't seen my son or my husband since Tuesday night because of my work schedule with no hope of seeing them until sometime tomorrow, I have no car, and we have no money to fix the car!!

I've got to get ready for work soon. I'm just...bleh...right now. I'm worried about money, not having transportation and a schedule so radically different from Earls that it makes it impossible for us to ride together, not seeing my family for so many days in a row especially because of the challenges we've been having with Nathan, and especially worried about whether or not this was our month, being disappointed about my temps going down, wondering if having a second child will ever happen for us...and if it does...

Okay...stop...I'm giving myself a panic attack!!

Shower...iron pants...pack lunch...calming, deep, breaths...get through today...temp tomorrow...see what happens...

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I'm an emotional wreck! I've just spent the past ten minutes crying like there's been a death in the family! I can't even say I've stopped because as I'm typing this I'm still leaking.

I feel...I don't know how I feel...or even why I'm feeling it. I just wish I could stop crying.

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I'm glad my two day stint of closing is over. I just hope that I'm not going to have to do that every week...not back to back anyway. I got home later last night because of several different reasons I don't want to go into right now, but even though it was after midnight before I got to sleep I hauled myself out of bed at 5:30 so I could see Nathan and Earl before they left for work.

I wish I could describe the sleepy smile my boy gave me when I went to wake him up. I'm going to start crying again though if I try. :? I helped Earl get ready for the day and talked with my boys and then when they left I collapsed back in the bed!

I'm off today though and am stuck in the house because of having no car! My plan is to get the chores done and cook something for the guys (and myself...I don't want to see another sandwich/can of soup) that's not convenience food so that tonight we can spend some time just goofing off.

My temp went down again today from 97.1 to 96.9.

I'm thinking that AF is going to show up any day now. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry...again.

Why am I so emotional right now! My normal pms/mo is to get cranky and go snap bean on everyone and thing that gets in my way! I think there's just so much going on right now in my life that I can't control(my job, car, worries over Earl/Nathan, my inability to get pg, money) that I'm just quietly freaking out!

I'm what I affectionately call a 'latent control freak'. To look at me you wouldn't think I have a care in the world and am really laid back/easy going type person. In reality I want to know what's happening, when it's happening, any contingency plans for if it doesn't go the way I thought it was, and...well you get the point.

I really wanted this month to be it for us but, while it's not over yet, it feels like it's winding down. The good news is that I've got a prescription for clomid on standby in my chart at my OB's office. So if AF does show, all I've got to do is give them call.

Okay...this isn't getting my chores done...and tomorrow I'll temp again and see where it goes.

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Well, my body's done it again! I have no idea what's going on now. :?

Four days ago, my temps dove way below the coverline and stayed that way for two days. Now for the past two days, they've gone back above the coverline and parked themselves at 97.5!

I don't know what to think!

I'm not having any pms symptoms like normal. Usually by this time of the cycle I'm having sore bbs, mood swings, a mild bleh feeling in my stomach and sometimes even heightened smell and low belly twinges (depending on if I O'd or not). Right now I'm feeling next to nothing. Several days ago I felt some bb twinges/tingling but that's not happening anymore. I am more emotional than usual, but instead of being cranky I'm weepy, but that's probably because my well ordered life is very much spinning out of control right now!

I truly hope this wasn't an annovulatory cycle! That's the only reason I can think of for NOT feeling any pms/pg symptoms by now. If this is an annovulatory cycle there's no telling how long this cycle will be! Sad

I'd planned to test sometime around cd29, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to! Without a car I can't get to the store to get a test without DH knowing about it. I don't want him to know when/if I test because if I do manage to get a BFP, I want to surprise him. We do sell them at work, but because we have to check our purchases at the door, everyone and their brother would know I've bought a test before I hit the parking lot and I don't want that either!

I do have an OB appt on 7/12. If I haven't started or managed to test on my own by then, I'll have them run a test.

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Oh...crub! My temp dropped to 97.1 today and FF friend confirmed what I'd been hoping wasn't happening. There's no longer any discernable pattern and FF is now saying I didn't O at all. PG.org still says I am, but my temps are all over the board this month, so I'm going with FF.

It's weird though because in the past when I had an annovulatory cycle the temps never went up and down in such ranges. They just kind of stuck to the middle of the chart with barely any deviations.

At this point I'm not sure when or if AF is going to start. Now, I could be wrong about the annovulatory thing, but I don't think so. I'm too far along in my cycle to NOT be feeling hardly any pms symptoms.

Sigh Sad I guess I'm just going to wait and temp and see what happens. I do have my appt on the 12th to look forward to. If AF hasn't shown by then I'll be around cd33/34 so I'll ask progesterone to bring her on...then...I'll get Clomid!

I know it's not over till AF shows, but there's just nothing chart wise to hang my hopes on right now!

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I'm thinking this is the first annovulatory cycle I've had in many months. Erratic temps, no pms (or pg) symptoms. And yesterday FF agreed with me - saying because there was no true pattern to follow anymore and they think that I didn't really ovulate after all.

This sucks.

I'm still temping and today it went back up to 97.6. Who knows when AF is coming at this point.

I've decided to still test sometime this weekend though because I've got an appt on 7/12 for my yearly physical w/ Dr. Brannon. If I tell them my last period was on 6/9 they'll want to do a pg test. Dr. B's nurse has been with him since long before I became his patient and has been through my whole infertility experience with me. She gave me both pg as I was. Knowing we're trying, I don't want to have to pretend it doesn't matter when it comes back a BFN.

So if AF doesn't show by next Tuesday I'll be over 30 days into the cycle and I'm planning to ask the for pils to bring it on. Then once she shows, I can get Clomid. :twisted: I'm also planning to beg a little and see if he'll bump up the script from 50mg to 100mg (he's done it before because he knows my history). It's not that I'm impatient or anything! I just know that (in the past) 50mg of Clomid was like popping days worth of m&m's and that I didn't show any amount of Oing until 150mg. Of course, that was when I wasn't Oing at all w/o medication and according to my last four months of charts, this is the only month I haven't.

We'll see I guess! I'm closing the store again so I need to get off my behind and get showered/dressed for the day. I'll be glad when tomorrow is over because I have Thur-Sat off. I can't wait!

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What I want to know is how two and a half people, who only wear one set of clothing a day, can accumulate so much laundry!! I feel like my laundry pile is the size of a small mountain!

Today is chore day and also FIL and Earl's grandmother are coming over. FIL is going ot work on the car and hopefully he can make some headway in getting the oil pan off (in preparation of getting to the oil pump they feel is messing up the whole works) and he and Earl will be able to get me up and running soon!

I reminded Earl today that he needed to let his office know he may need to take a half day off next Tuesday. If I don't have a car, he's going to be my ride to the doctors office! I am not missing this appt w/ Brannon for anything but AF...and that'll be OK because I'll have Clomid!

I forgot to say, but last Saturday we finally got to the root of what was bothering Nathan. After one of his screaming/crying/anger fits over something (I can't even remember what now it was so trivial) we sat him down and talked to him. He finally told us that there were some 'grade three' (he won't say 3rd grade for some reason!) boys were teasing him at the Y. He's built like his dad as at his age very slender and middling height...kind of fragile looking even though he's not. Well apparently these boys have been calling him names like 'baby' and 'girly boy' and so on. Picking on him when he can't keep up with the older boys during free play and so forth.

We talked to him and gave him some things to do and maybe not do that will hopefully help. The biggest thing we did that seemed to help was to remind him of his favorite Bible story - Joseph (coat of many colors). We told him to remember how Joseph was a good boy and son and how he hadn't done anything to make his brother's mad at him, but he was still teased and picked on and finally sold away from his family, all because of their jealousy and hatred. But, we reminded him that sometimes God brings things into our lives to make us stronger and we read the ending of the story about how Joseph forgave the very people who treated him so badly and how God blessed him. He found comfort and I hope some strength in that - as a matter of fact in his nightly prayers he's started praying that 'the boys won't be so angry' and that God will help him to 'be kind to them anyway'! I just love him so much sometimes I want to squeeze him!

One thing Earl and I decided NOT to do was immediately jump in and make demands . We want him to be able to work things out on his own, so we're watching and talking and waiting and seeing how he's handling himself. If his attitude goes back or we find the teasing has escalated, then we're stepping in.

One thing I've found interesting is, during our 'talk' he said that John Ross (my nephew) tries to help him and tells the bigger boys to leave him alone etc, but this week John Ross is not at camp (his family is on vacation) and Nathan has said the older boys haven't even talked to him, much less picked on him! John Ross has a bad habit of name calling, something WE don't allow down here, but that his parents don't put a stop to. It makes me wonder if JR is somehow instigating this whole name calling thing, but Nathan is so loyal and trusting of his cousin that he doesn't see it, just that John Ross is trying to 'help'.

I don't know...I just find it interesting. I guess we'll find out what happens when he goes back to camp next week!

On the TTC front, my temps are still acting up and sliding all over the board. On the one hand it's frustrating but on the other, since AF's arrival last month scuttled my dr's appt days before it got here, I'm hoping the erratic temps will hold her at bay until AFTER I see the doc! I really want to get my yearly over with and also get some input on the Clomid angle.

Okay...I saw this little thing on a ladies signature that reminds me of myself right now. It say....A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

Translated...I need to get off my butt and start shoveling out the mess my house is in!

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I had a really nice day today! My mom and I spent the day 'shopping', which for us means having lunch out and walking around the mall and stores, not looking at anything in particular, but talking a lot and just spending time together. It's been more months than I want to think about since we've done that!

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a little weird. I wondered if it was AF working her way to my house and realized...it's Friday. And my Dr's office closes EARLY on Friday's. The way this cycle has been a mishmosh of missed opportunities I was afraid that AF would show up 15min after the office closed and I need Clomid on Sunday w/ no way of getting my script called in! So...paranoid me...called and asked if it could be called in on the chance that I started! Of course...I didn't! But I am starting to feel a little pms'y so hopefully she's on her way.

One other thing came out of that call...I found out my appt is on the 19th...not the 12th! Arrrgh!! Now I'm a week out from my appt...not days!

I go back to work tomorrow after having 3 days off in a row. I'm going to miss staying at home! The semi-good news is that it's a mid-shift so I won't have to work so late! My car is on it's way to being fixed. DH and FIL have got the oil pump replaced and are planning to bolt everything together tomorrow and try it out! I hope it works! I want my car back!

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It's been a few days! There's really nothing going on TTC wise right this minute because AF has still refused to show up! I love it, last month I had a textbook looking chart and AF showed up on CD26. This month, my temps are all over the board and I'm CD34 w/ no end in site.

Speaking of all over the board...my temp shot up to 98 today! What? If this was mid cycle I'd be excited! As it is, I'm just wondering what's going on!

My drs appt is next Tuesday and if I haven't started by then, I'm going to test again. I tested on Saturday morning and got a BFN, which is why the temp rise has me confused. Shouldn't they be going down about now?

I'm so cranky about work right now. It's a good thing my appt wasn't today because they've scheduled me to work! What absolutely kills me is that I put in a request more than two weeks ago to have today off! Yes..I was wrong about my appt date and actually didn't need today like I thought, but it's the principle of the thing! I requested to have Sunday 7/17 off and it was denied because one of the managers had already requested it off. Fair enough, but this turns out to be a manager whose requested nearly EVERY Sunday (and most Saturday's) this summer off! What about the rest of us! This Sunday was Nathan's award ceremony for t-ball! Sigh...deep breath....calm down....things work out for a reason....deep breath!

I've already laid the ground work for next Tuesday though. I told the ops mgr (she's directly below the GM) that I'd requested today (7/12) off for a woman's dr appt and it was not honored, so my appt is next 7/19 and whether I'm granted the day off or not, I'm going. One thing about where I work is they're understanding of the salaried staff taking time during the day for appts so long as they come back and finish out their shift. The theory being we get called in on day's off and asked to stay late/come in early etc w/o any additional compensation.

Anyway...the only thing that will keep me from my Dr's appt is AF (because they won't do the annual physical if she's here) but that will be sortof OK because I'll have my CLOMID!!! Yeah!!!

Okay off to fix lunch in preparation of working the late shift tonight! Yippee!

Kim

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This has been a long week for some reason. I just feel like it should be later than Thursday! It's probably because I have my appt on Tuesday with Dr. B. Or it could be because it's been such a busy week! Well...that's kind of relative I guess. I worked Monday & Tuesday closing shifts so that broke up my days. Then yesterday I had off, but FIL and DH's grandmother came over to work on the car and then when they left it was time to get ready for VBS at church! Today was marginally better because I didn't have the company, so I didn't feel like I had to be entertaining (even though they're family and are doing me a favor!) but we still have VBS tonight!

I think I'm just so anxious to move onto the next stage of this cycle that every day is a long day! It also doesn't help that my temps have been up for the past three days! So much so that FF has given me another coverline and says I'm 3dpo! Please! This far into the cycle? As it is if AF keeps taking her time I'm going to skip the month of April for a due date altogether!

I've discovered the birth programs on Discovery Health! So now I can add to my baby television obsession! Of course the one that comes on today is about a lady who's 38 and has a baby who tests positive for down syndrome. Which just brings up all my fears about being older...again! It's a strange feeling though. I know that even if I became pg and found out the baby had some sort of condition (like DS) I wouldn't abort or anything like that but I hate the idea that so much time has passed through my fingers and I'm heading into a 'high risk pg' catagory just because I'm almost 35!

Have I mentioned I become unreasonably paranoid over things that haven't even happened and have given no indication that they WILL happen!

Okay, that's enough obsessing for one day. Sortof...the past few days I've started having some very tender bbs! I still have a BFN so I'm hoping this means AF is on her way!

Then....Clomid!!

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You know...AF has never been reasonable! She still hasn't shown up!

Here's what's going on physically with me. Since around Thursday my BBs have gotten increasingly tender - all over tender. My temps are still up above the new FF 'coverline' which means they've been hovering around the 97.7-98 mark. And, the other night I had some sharp 'Okay...Owww!' pains really low down. I've also had 2 BFN's since last Saturday to confirm I'm not REALLY pregant!

So, I'm still waiting....and not very patiently might I add!!

On the home front, VBS is over except for the program tonight and my car is toast! Earl and Milt got everything hooked together and fired it up yesterday. It cranks but that's it. It's still not getting oil pressure and a host of other things that cause it to be a 3000lb paperweight! We've got a van that we haven't driven in years because it overheated so badly you couldn't get it out of the driveway. Since we parked it, the guys have figured out what might be causing it, but since we've had my lumina they didn't feel the burning need to fix it. Now, the lumina's demise has lit a fire under their behinds! They're going to look at that today and see if it's fixable. If it's not we're going to have to go to Plan B and get me another car.

Okay...it's after 9am and I've got to be at work at 10. I need to get my shower and get dressed or I'm going to be late!

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Well, today was my appt and it went very well...except for one thing!

The one thing that didn't go the way I wanted was he didn't prescribe Provera to bring AF on. If she doesn't show up by August 1st I'm to call him and he'll call in the script then. Oh well...the rest of the appt was so good I'm not really complaining!

He's referred me to an RE for pcos, but a lovely little side benefit (aside from finally biting the bullet and finding out how this condition will affect my long term health) is that I'll already be a patient if I run the course of Clomid that Dr. B can prescribe!

And... this is the best part...He's upped my prescription for Clomid!! Last month his partner wrote me a script for 50mg w/o seeing me, just going by my prior history w/ the drug (meaning he knew I'd needed and taken it for a long time before conceiving Nathan). But, today MY doc upped my script to 150mg!

YAY!!! Last time I took Clomid 50g was like eating candy for 5days and did about as much good! But, I was willing to start there because I HAVE been Oing on my own and thought maybe things would be different this time. But...150mg...WOW!!

I hope I get to see some results!

Of course...that would require AF to SHOW UP!!!!

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Things certainly started moving fast after Tuesday!

My cycle started on Wednesday (YEAH!!!) so I'm sitting on go...waiting for tomorrow so I can start taking the Clomid.

It was so sweet because Earl was so anxious for me to get the meds, he called me three times at work to make sure Dr. B called in my script and then went to get it before he picked me up from work!

I really hope that this is the month. Of course I've really hoped every month is the month! This is no exception, but even as I sit here, looking at a stack of bills we certainly can't get paid off in 9mos, wondering how we're going to fix/get me a car that runs reliably, and knowing that unless a miracle happens I'll spend my second child's babyhood working at a job that gives monetary stability but offeres no stability to our home life!

Even so...we want another child so badly. We don't want Nathan to grow up NEVER knowing a sibling, even though he'll be so much older than the baby. But, speaking from experience, I think that will be okay. My older brother (john) is six years older than I am and we got along wonderfully as children and now that we're adults we're even closer. I want Nathan to know brothers/sisters. There's nothing really quite like them!

Just a few short more days and we can start actively trying. I think I'm going to go to my page and plot out our BDing plan just to keep my mind occupied! Nathan is playing w/ John Ross for a little while so I've got some time before I have to start supper!

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Day 7 and my temps are rising! Yeah! I'm seeing a pattern. When AF is here my temps tend to be below the 97 range. Once she goes they go up to the mid/high 97 range. After O they go above 98. At least that's what they've done in the past. This is a month of Clomid so who knows what my temps will do!

Okay...so plotting the BDing course... According to the sites I go to I could conceive anywhere between 8/3-8/10. So...with that in mind we're going to start doing that every other night thing beginning this Saturday (7/30). It's a little early but knowing the way our schedules are and the way things just seem to happen to prevent us from keeping on that schedule and not knowing how the Clomid will affect my Oing (early...mid cycle...late..?!) I want to cover every base I can!!

It's hard to believe that summer is almost over! Nathan will be going back to school on 8/17 and from then time will just fly..I know it! Whew! I always thought people saying time seems to fly when you get older was just a bunch of hooey! I know better now! My friend and I joke that the old show called '30 Something' wasn't just optimism about keeping the show around ten years and chronicling these peoples lives...it was about how when you hit your thirties you have soooo much going on (work, marriage, family, trying to keep your friendships up, chores, and the list goes on and on) that the ten years go by in a blur! Yeah...I'm 30 something and sometimes get a blank look on my face when some one asks me my actual age because I have to stop and think about it!

OKay....time to eat my lunch and get ready for another night closing the store.

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I am whipped! Today's been a marathon cleaning day...unfortunately (or is that fortunately?) it centered only on Nathan's room and the living/dining room area. But, Nathan's rooms been cleaned, furniture moved around, and all drawers gone through to purge too small clothing and toys shifted/put away/organized. Same for the living room!

Today's my last day for Clomid! Yeah!! Now I'm seriously moving into the 'active' stage of this cycle! And, as luck would have it, at least through Saturday my schedule is cooperating! I know that at least twice next week I'll have to close. I'm just hoping that it won't be on 'on' days. If so I'll have to do a little adjusting to the plan!!

Okay, on to supper preparations and finish up the cleaning in the dining area. I've promised my little guy that we'll eat early enough to play some games tonight. I really miss spending lots and lots of time with the boys so I'm looking forward to tonight!

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Well, so much for my schedule cooperating! I was hoping to not have any closing shifts until toward the end of the week, but it's not to be. I have to close Monday and Tuesday (CD13 and 14!). Blum 3 So, now I've got to get home late on Monday, wake DH up and make him perform ( Wink ) just so we don't miss a day! The good news is that my two days off are Wed/Thur (CD15-16) and the rest of my shifts for the week have me getting home by 7:30pm.

I'm/We're going to try very hard not to miss any days during the BDing portion of the cycle. And, depending on what my chart does, we're going to go straight through CD22 because I'm not sure if the Clomid will make me O late!

Today was really, really busy at work! I'm so glad! Busy days go by faster than slow ones. I'm tired though, physically more so than mentally. And, DH is making me watch baseball! Don't get me wrong, of all the sports out there baseball is my favorite, but if I'd been given a choice I'd want to watch a movie or something. But, I love him, the Braves are his favorite team, and he hasn't seen them in a while. So, I'm being sweet!

Or I'm trying! Apparently the Clomid did leave some side effects. I'm being more sarcastic and snippy than I usually am! Usually I don't hit this level until I'm deep in the throes of PMS! I've just been riding DH in little ways (like commenting on how much he'd gotten done in the house since he took the day off from trying to get me a car...he unloaded the dishwasher I'D loaded and run before work and that was IT!) I hate it when I act like that. You've heard about sarcasm being anger with it's makeup on? That's the way I feel for some reason tonight. I'm not angry at anything, I just have a very sharp tongue for some reason. I'm blaming the drugs!

Okay...9pm...I need to get in a better mood soon if I plan on getting DH to BD tonight!

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Well, we revamped the BDing schedule slightly. Saturday night neither of us could get over being snippy with each other and the idea of BDing because we 'had' to just made us both even more cranky!

We adjusted to Sunday so today is an on day also. DH has already called to tell me he'd wait up for me tonight (I work a closing shift again Blum 3 ) instead of going to sleep. That's part of it for me. I hate the idea of coming home, making him wake up from a sound sleep, and demanding that he 'perform'! If he's awake when I get home it will make it a little more natural anyway!

My temp went down a little yesterday (to 97.6) and rose to 97.9 this morning. I'm interested to see if I have or am getting ready to O because I felt some twinges low down, near the sides, yesterday. I guess a few more days of temping will tell the tale!

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Okay, so the twinges I felt the other day have intensified into 'Okay...well...that's not very nice!' kind of twinges. It feels weird/uncomfortable when I suck in my stomach or move too quickly or even bump my stomach! I hope, pray, hope again that this means I'm Oing!! My temp also took a dip this morning dropping to 97.3. That's the lowest it's been since AF was here.

I'm so glad that these feelings came on a day off for me! If I'd felt like this today at work I'd be in a panic! As it is I feel so strange/full/tender on both sides (but especially the left side) of my pelvis that I've not done what I wanted to around the house!

I'd planned to clean out a room (I mean drawers, closets, scrub down baseboards and haul out anything that hasn't been used in 6mos kind of clean) each week until I got my clutter contained! But, when I bent down to pick up a box this morning I felt like I pulled something in that area and I decided then that I'd take it a little bit easier today! Lol So, I'm doing laundry and piddling around the house, doing the more daily cleaning, and every time I feel that twinge I'm thankful again that I'm not at work and having to deal with the physical aspects of my job.

So, I'm taking it easy, praying almost nonstop that this is really IT, and planning to BD again tonight!

On a side note, Earl found (and bought) a car for me! Yahoo The Lumina was/is absolutely dead and for what...a month?..I've been riding to work with Earl's dad and Earl - getting to work three hours early for shifts, inconveniencing his dad by asking him to carry me to work and then pick me up after 10:30pm at least twice a week, and the feeling of isolation because, if I'm not going to work, I'm stuck at home! I haven't even been able to go to the grocery to myself!! So...needless to say I'm excited!!! Yahoo

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Wow...time flys when you're obsessing! I haven't written in this since Thursday which seems very weird to me because in my mind I've composed something to write every day!

So...the good news is FF came back with a coverline and says they feel I O'd on Friday.

The great news is that I was having those really weird/heavy/full/painful twinges on both Thursday and Friday telling me that the Clomid was really doing something!

The absolutely stupendous news is that DH and I managed to BD on both Thursday and Saturday!!

After Friday my temps have shot up to 98.1 and have stayed there! 3 days of the same temps! That's okay..so long as they stay up above the coverline I don't care if they ever move!

I have my blood draw for progesterone this morning and while I'm looking forward to finding out my numbers I wish I'd been able to go in on Wed/Thurs for the draw instead. That would put me at 5/6dpo as opposed to 4. I'm afraid my numbers are going to be low if for no other reason than I didn't O on cd14 so I'm not '7dpo' when I had the test done.

But, the reason I'm going today is twofold. 1. I have the day off and have 2 dental appts in the same area as my OB's so I'm already there. 2. My OB is approx 35 miles away and with the way gas prices are, we can't afford two trips to the same area (as sad as that sounds! Lol ) because we nearly drained our bank account GETTING me the car in the first place!

I'm just going to try and remember that when I got pg w/ Nathan my progesterone was only 20. I can still remember standing in my OB's office with him showing me the results. He was excited because the numbers were up from the previous month and was optimistic for 'next month' because of it! I remember he said to go home, if AF hadn't come in two weeks to take a test and call him for a script for Provera to bring her on. When she didn't show up I took my lunch hour bought a test and went home to do a mid day test. The plan was to get back to the office, call them with the BFN and have my script called in so that I could pick it up on my way home! I was planning to take that first pill that night so I could get to the next month ASAP!!

When I got the two lines I dropped like a rock! Literally. I found myself on the bathroom floor, laughing hysterically and crying at the same time. I took the test into the bedroom and looked at it in a different light and the line didn't disappear. This time I hit the floor on my knees. I laid my head on the bed, the test clutched in my hand hard enough to hurt and prayed, thanking God, praising God, and just blubbering all over the place! I couldn't stop crying!!

I got back to the office and stayed long enough to realize that I wanted confirmation from my OB's office before I told DH. My bosses let me go w/o a word because I'm sure I looked crazed! My eyes were red rimmed, still leaking, and my face was red! I remember I was trembling! I'm sure they thought something was WRONG!! I drove like a madman, sneeking looks at the test riding comfortably on the passenger seat, and w/in minutes of hitting the dr's office I had ANOTHER test confirming that I had a baby inside me! I remember my favorite nurse (Mary Ann) was the one who did the test and she was so excited for me that she hugged me and we danced around the lab a little bit!!

I remember it was a Wednesday and DH came to pick me up at work (we cleaned the office for a little extra cash and Wednesday was our day because we had church that night and our church was only 1/2mile from work). He was dumbfounded (he'd been expecting another month of Clomid like I'd been) and so excited! Even though I was only 5.5wks he sat down at my desk and called his parent and his grandmother, his sister and MY parents!! Then when we got to church (even though we'd 'discussed' not saying anything until after my 8wk appt to our friends) he went in one door while I talked with a lady outside and by the time I got to the fellowship hall (we worked with the AWANA youth program and that's where it started) I'd been congratulated by everyone I passed! He was so excited he'd told everyone he saw from the minute he hit the door!!

Okay....I know I just spent a lot of time talking about my DS's positive hpt in a journal when I'm trying to get pg w/ a baby brother/sister for him...but that's okay! It was one of the most powerful, exciting times of my life and with time memories fade. It's been almost 8yrs since that test and it's still fresh in my mind, but I'm glad I finally wrote it down! If my son ever reads this, I think he'd like to see how happy we were to know he was on the way!

It's also a...pep talk of sorts for me! Thinking on those days (the day of the less than stellar progesterone results and the day of the positive test) has made me feel better about doing the blood draw on 4dpo! No matter what the results...there's a chance this month!

What I'm NOT looking forward to is my dental appts! I hate the dentist! Or let me say I hate the needles full of novacaine the dentist invariably use on me!! I truly have panic attacks. ROFL The last dr. that came near me w/ a needle took to long to numb me and I cracked my eye open to see what he was doing and saw the needle approaching my mouth and FREAKED OUT!! I reached up, shoved his hand away, and put my hands over my face, sobbing and crying 'NO' over and over again! It was a complete shock to the hygenist and dr and ME! It's been years since I've had that kind of reaction! Yep...I'm 34 years old and have more fears about the dentist than my six year old boy who had four teeth yanked out (hereditary problems dealing w/ small mouth and large adult teeth needing room to come in!) with barely a whimper!!

Sigh....I can get through this...I know I can! I've got to have a major cleaning at noon and then have to have two fillings done at ANOTHER appt at 2pm. One stop shopping! If they're going to get me in there then it's all going to be done at one time!!

Okay...it's time to start getting ready for my day! I want to get though my dental appts with a shred of my dignity intact and have my blood draw so that I can know exactly HOW bad to start obsessing!!

Yahoo I'm in the 2ww!!

Kim

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Well...I made it through yesterday! The dentist appts turned out to be something I could live with. Yes...I spent the entire day feeling like I was going to thow up because my nerves were shot. But...the staff of the office I go to were sooo understanding and very gentle..and in regards to the novacaine...quick!

My blood draw went smoothly and I'm hoping to hear the results sometime this afternoon. Of course, today is a day I work a closing shift so I'll probably give them until about 4:00 and call them! I'm praying that my numbers are high enough to indicate Oing. If I O'd then at least I have a shot for this month!

I'm 5dpo right now and not feeling too much one way or the other! If I have AF this month I fully expect the pms symptoms to start any day now. If I get pg this month I'm not sure what to expect!

I'm going to try and hold off testing until the 19th. That will put me officially 'late' and it's a day off so if it is + I can plan something for DH. What's going to make it easy to wait is I have NO tests in the house! Now...if I can just stay out of the health/beauty aisles at the Walmart and grocery store so I won't pick one up!

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I'm going through a rough patch right now, for lack of a better phrase.

I got my progesterone results back and they were only 7.6 - they wanted it to be at least 24. I tried not to let it get me down because I was only 4dpo when they did the draw and the results are best at least 7dpo.

My temps are still up - so that's something to be happy about (although I'm now 8dpo and it dropped from 98.4 to 98.3 so now I'm paranoid that the downward trend is starting)

I'm not 'feeling' anything in the way of symptoms right now...pms OR pg! Unless you count mood swings! Of course mine aren't moving between happy and moody....they've stuck somewhere between moody and horribly depressed!

I spent the better part of Thursday (the day I found out about the low progesterone) crying...at work no less! And yesterday wasn't much better. I managed to rope it in for the most part (although I felt like it much of the day) but yesterday the angry/moody part kicked in BIG time! And, it all revolved around how I feel I'm being taken advantage of at work.

At one point yesterday I actually sat at my desk wondering if we could possibly live on just Earl's paycheck! I was so close to walking out it wasn't even funny! I noticed several days ago when I was looking back on past managers schedules that it's been over a month since I had a weekend day off (not the whole weekend...just a Sat or Sun!) but every other manager in the building routinely gets one of those days off each week! Then Thursday while we were having a going away party for one of our managers who's moving I got an MOD call. Fair enough...I was working! But while I was helping the member ANOTHER call came. I radioed that I was still with my first member and asked them to call our OPS mgr (the OTHER mgr on duty). She COMPLETELY ignored the call! By the time I finish helping everyone I get back to the party to find Leona's already opened her gifts and they are packing up to go! And the opsmgr who was called was just sitting there sipping her drink like she didn't have a care in the world! Not long after that she's getting ready to go and it's not until she's walking out the door that I find out she left EVERY BIT of the mid managers duties for me to do! In addition to running the building I had to do deposits, check in jewelry, do a drop list of products and print out the incoming manifest for the overnight crew, and do the afternoon bakery/meat checklist! I was sooooo cranky!

Yesterday wasn't much better because I was supposed to be mid manager. When I got there the morning mgr promptly STOPPED taking all MOD calls! She'd scheuled an orientation meeting for new employees (which she's done before and has ASKED me to help out...which I have no problem doing) but she didn't even page me to find out if I was in the building! She just stopped taking calls! So...basically I was manager on duty from 10am-5pm! The day spiraled from that point but the breaking point came when I was in the back of the building (doing the drop list/manifest and bakery/meat checklists). A member was up front returning a computer - which requires a manager to inspect it and fill out paperwork. Sittiing up in the front of the building was our ops mgr and personnel mgr. I NEVER call for help...ever...but because I had two computer programs running, a delivery man at the receiving door delivering film, and the bakery/meat mgrs waiting on me...I called for help. The personnel mgr never even answered my page but the ops mgr basically said NO...that she was on her way to take care of another problem and why couldn't I do it!!! Come to find out (after I got everything taken care of) that she never even got to the problem that was so pressing she couldn't help me! *I* ended up fixing the problem!!!

I see a gripe session with the GM coming on! I can't (and won't) keep doing this! I'm the type of person who will always help when/where needed and that's the problem. They know I'll do it, so there's no urgency on their part to help me.

I know that a lot of the reason I'm at the end of my rope right now work wise is because I'm soooo disappointed/frustrated with what's going on TTC wise, but a lot of this has been building for a while.

Right now, in regards to this month, I'm in a waiting game. Waiting for AF...waiting for testing day...waiting for symptoms of *something* to start showing up...and worst case waiting for CD35 when I'm to call for Provera to start AF!

I need to get ready for work...why...because it's Saturday and I WORK every Saturday!! Okay Kim rope it in...don't start off the day angry!

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It's been a rollercoaster week. I was just re-reading my last post and it just fills me with sadness. There's nothing in it of the happiness in my life..and while I know that every day isn't going to be nirvana it shouldn't be filled with such anger and despair that I don't know which way to turn!

On a slightly more...stable...note ( Biggrin ) I've had a long talk with Earl and I'm going to get my resume together and start sending it out. I'm still going to talk with my GM because if I DO get pg soon I'm going to be sticking it out where I am. I don't think it's right to get a job knowing that w/in 7mos I'll be taking an extended leave!

So...onto the obsessive part of the evening! Lol

I'm currently on CD27/10dpo. I'm not sure what's really going on because my temps went down two days in a row (from CD24/98.4 to CD25/98.3 to CD26/98.1). I woke up this morning, fully expecting to see the temps had dipped below 98 but it went back up to 98.2!

Someone on the Apr board mentioned that it might have been implantation that caused it to dip like that but I'm so afraid to hope that's it! I guess tomorrow (and the day after and the day after and so on) will tell the tale.

In my other cycles that I've known to be Oing cycles (since we started trying again in Dec04) my temps have usually peaked around 7dpo and then dropped a several days in a row before AF shows up...usually while temps were still above the coverline! Confusing to say the least. :roll:

Right now, I'm considering the fact that I've made it 10dpo w/ no sign of AF a good thing. I've been concerned that my luteal phase is too short.

I'm planning to test on Friday if AF hasn't shown by then....but I'm weak. If I get a chance to buy a test before then...I know I'm going to POAS!

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It has been a while since I've written. Not because there's been nothing going on though!

Last Tuesday night (16th) lightening struck our house in two locations. The first hit the power outlet that controlled the computer. It also hit the phone line (the ground line!) in that same area. That strike knocked out the phone completely (two days w/o phone!), destroyed the motherboard in the desktop and fried the printer. The second strike actually hit the satellite dish up in the field. There it destroyed the mechanism that turns the dish....but the power surge it resulted in (through the buried cable) burned up the HD receiver, our brand new tv, the home theater system, the vcr, and the satellite receiver! We lost everything but the laptops! So...it's been a week of wrangling with repair men and the insurance company!

Through all this though I POAS on Wednesday and came up w/ a BFN. I also, had one episode of spotting on Wednesday and one on Thursday with nothing else. I contacted my dr's office, questioning whether that was the true start of AF because of the Clomid question.

The freaked me out by setting up an appt for me to come in for an ultrasound on Friday but it turned out they only needed to make sure last months 'cyst' had resolved itself before prescribing the next dosage.

On Friday morn (the morn of the appt) AF showed up in full force and it was decided that my CD1 was going to be labled as Thursday. Dr. B upped my script to 200mg of Clomid and 1500mg of metformin.

I'm not sure whether to be hopeful this cycle or not though! Earl is having his nose surgery on Tuesday and that falls smack dab in the middle of the week I could be Oing!! I'm not sure he's going to be up to BDing whether his dr says it's okay or not! From what the drs told him today at his pre-op he's not going to feel like doing much of anything the first week!

The calculators I go to have my possibling 'conceiving' between 9/1-9/3. His surgery is 9/30!! We're going to BD Sun and Mon night and then we'll have to really see how he feels.

This surgery's been scheduled since May....it's just my life that has me possibly Oing on the same week!! :roll:

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My brother John had a heart attack sometime Sat afternoon/early Sun morning. Praise God he's doing fine now and is in the hosptial waiting on an echocardiogram and most likely a catherization to be done. They know he's done some damage to his heart (the doctor's could see that through the initial x-rays and blood work) these tests will show to what extent.

John's 40yrs old.

To say I'm freaked out would be an understatement! I have two brothers, one younger and then John. Growing up we were close but my younger brother and I were closer. As we've reached adulthood, I am closer to John than Sherrill simply because we share a similar life. We're both married with children and living very close. His sons are my son's best friends! The thought of something happening to him...well...there aren't really any words.

It also worries me at how YOUNG he is! I'm praying so hard that he's not done any horrible damage to his heart. John's a hardworking man. For him to be told to radically change his lifestyle (he drives a gas truck and has a very physical outlook on life. He's always working in the yard, the woods, building/improving something on his property/outbuildings) is going to be hard.

Okay...I've got to stop worrying! When I talked to Crystal this morning (my SIL) she said his blood pressure is still stable and he rested well last night. I'm just waiting on a phone call to see how his tests went!

On the TTC front.....

Tonight is our last night BDing because of Earl's surgery tomorrow but it's way too early for me to O. :?

Of course I could be seriously underestimating my DH's ability to overcome pain ROFL but I seriously doubt it!!

I'm just going to have to hope I O'd really early this month and if nothing else wait on the progesterone test I'm taking next week to see what my numbers are!

Sigh....

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Well....the past two days have just been lovely....insert lots and lots of sarcasm and not a little sadness there!

Yesterday was Earl's surgery and while it went as well as they expected, they didn't start until noon...when he was scheduled for 10am! Praise God my FIL went to get DS. We didn't leave the surgery center until almost 5pm! But, he did okay last night (breathing wise - they were worried because of his sleep apnea). He's still in a deal of pain and is only slowly getting his appetite back. At least he's not lurching around the house though! The more the anesthesia wore off the better he was walking. I was really worried there a couple of times because even with my strong hold on him, if he'd gone down we'd go down together!

Yesterday I also found out the results of my brother's catherization and it ain't good. All three of his arteries are blocked (2 at 100% and 1 at 98%). He's being transferred to the heart center at Wake Med tomorrow and is scheduled for a triple bypass. His spirits are good even though he's sick to death of being a man of leisure and playfully begged me to come get him today when I talked to him. I can't think of it too much or I'll start crying...again.

Then today (insert ranting tone and extremely furious posture!) I had my appt with the RE scheduled. I'd planned to go but Earl was still so out of it this morning I changed my mind. I called to cancel and reschedule but was told that if I cancelled the day of an appt then I'd have to find another practice because the doctor would not see me afterward! I explained about my husband but the lady I was speaking to said it didn't matter what the reason...the policy was if you cancelled you found another dr!! I was pissed to say the least, but since my OB had made the referral and coded it for PCOS (instead of infertility which my insurance doesn't cover) I didn't want to lose my spot. So...a hasty phone call to my FIL about picking up Nathan (again) and making sure Earl would be okay w/o another pain pill (they knock him out and i didn't want him sleeping deeply while I was not there to monitor his breathing) and I'm out the door to the RE's office...with plans to let them know exactly what I thought of the 'policy' when I got there. I told Earl it would serve them right if I took him (six feet of useless, loopy, bruised, bleeding, nauseous, and stumbling male that he was at the time) with me and let the nurses deal with him while the doctor talked to me. He just cracked his eye open and grunted.

So I drive forty-five minutes to the dr's office and once there I find out that the referral from my OB wasn't accepted by my insurance!!! I have to have a referral from a FP/IM doctor!! I was soooo pissed I was shaking and very near crying (which is my last stop before going ballistic on people). My company switched insurance companies not too long ago and I had to switch from my family practice dr I'd been with for almost 5yrs to one I picked out of a book. I've NEVER seen this guy!! I've got a referral from a dr who diagnosed my condition originally, who I've been seeing since 1996, but that means diddly squat to the insurance company! I've got to go to a practice I've never been to, seeing a dr whose never had anything to do with me, and pray he'll concur with my OB and give me the appt!

But, I asked the receptionist why I hadn't been told this on the phone when I was trying to cancel....and for that matter would THIS snafu be held against me too! The receptionist was less than helpful/sympathetic and basically told me to come back when I had my referral and dismissed me so she could get to the next patient!

I am STILL cranky about that! But, w/in a half hour of getting home I had a call from my OB's office. First they called to apologize profusely for the mix-up and to tell me they'd contacted my insurance company and tried to get them to take the referral. They wouldn't do it, so they were calling me with the names of two family practices (one multi partner and one single doctor) that Dr. B recommends to his patients who don't have one. The nurse/coordinator I talked to said to let her know if/when I get an appt (either with the people she told me about or the one I picked out of my provider book) and she'd do what she could on her end to get them to write my referral.

Sooooo today was wasted! Earl has been feeling better though. He's more clear eyed, has eaten a cheese sandwich, and has even turned on his laptop and wrote a couple of e-mails. I've been teasing (sortof) him, asking him if he felt up to BDing tonight. He just gives me this quiet stare then closes his eyes and ignores me! ROFL

I'm so antsy about this! I'm on CD14 and I can't BD!! I guess the good news is that I haven't had any temps pointing toward Oing yet. I also haven't had any of the side pain I had last month either. Maybe if I can hold off Oing another day or so, DH will feel better and be more willing to BD!

That being said...I'm still not holding out much hope for this particular cycle! There's just too much going against us right now. I'm still anxious to see what my progesterone #s are though. I'll do that test next Thurs or Fri.

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The frustration level is rising! I've got EWCM and low morning temp and a DH that still can't BD! Sigh...I'm trying so hard not to get upset that this cycle is a bust but I can't help it. I'm biting my tongue to not ask him again if he feels like trying.

Okay...I just had to write that down and get it out of me. His welfare at this point is more important than my possibly Oing...no matter how much I think differently! :roll:

Kim

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