Every month I think about starting a journal, but am hesitant to because I don't want to start a TTC one and then get PG. Some worry huh? I finally decided this month to start because, quite frankly, I'm driving myself insane!
My DH is a very patient man whose as anxious for a second child as I am, but too many details about how a woman's body works (or doesn't in my case) freaks him out!
My best female friend lives two states away, and though she's always there for me through e-mail and phone, sometimes I feel like a horrible person for wanting to talk about my problems so much, when she's got her own burdens to bear!
In real life, I have many friends at work and church, but none that I feel comfortable discussing this very private issue with.
My family is supportive and zany and wonderful, but for the same reasons listed above, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my prolonged medical problems and general craziness in this department!
It took us many years and several insensitive doctors to find one willing to help us.
My first OB did the 'oh you're young...relax...' speech for two years (I was only 19 when DH and I married and started trying) before taking my sporadic periods seriously and prescribing Clomid. I left him shortly after my m/c in 10/92. The reason...I'd started having lots of pain a week after my 'period'. When I called the doctor to ask for advice the recommended coming in. The took a pg test and in the lab...where there were three other women being weighed, having blood taken, and getting ready for their own appts, he propped himself against a counter and said 'Well the good news is...you're pregnant. The bad news is...you're losing the baby.' Insensitive does not even begin to describe that experience.
In many ways I can't even count the second OB as 'mine' because it was during the first visit consultation that she told me I should not even begin to think about having children until I got my weight under control. I've always been heavy and at the time I was at my lowest weight since college. Her words 'You shouldn't consider having children until you can take care of yourself.' I paid the co-pay and never went back.
My current OB is a gem. My first visit with him was so comfortable. He took me seriously then and now and willingly works with me wherever DH and I are in our TTC journey. It was under his care (and 250mg of Clomid ) that I conceived my son.
My pregnancy was one of the happiest times of my life. Other than morning sickness that lasted from approx four weeks until AFTER I delivered, I was the healthiest I've ever been! I remember fighting off the nausea as I climbed onto the table for my emerg c-section! I loved to sit in the recliner at night and watch him roll back and forth in my stomach while I watched ER on TNT! That and even before he was born he loved music! The first time I felt him move was at church when Paula Schneck (our choir director) sang a solo. And certain music made him
We started TTC #2 when DS was 1yr old, knowing it took us almost eight years to have DS. Because of financial considerations, for us, going past Clomid is not something that will happen. Also because of financial considerations, TTC #2 has been interesting. In the past five years my DH has been laid off 3 different jobs, so it always seemed like we'd just be getting started on Clomid cycles and we'd lose his income and his insurance!
In February 2004, a month w/o clomid or provera, I started to suspect I was pg when all of a sudden my breasts felt like they'd become possessed! It hurt to breath! And, my job was so physical in nature that it felt like every time I moved they were being ripped off! Not pretty when you work in retail and have to fight off wincing when you help a customer! I got a BFP on my first test! Three days later I went to my Dr's and had it confirmed by a test in their office. A week later I miscarried.
We took several months off simply because I was shattered. To this day if I look at the bfp I got or the church program my then 5yr old son wrote 'To Mommy Daddey and Baby, I love you. Nathan' I cry buckets. But, I grew hopeful, and willing to try again, in November 04. I was encouraged by the fact I seemed to be having periods and O'ing on my own!
In December 04, we decided to start trying again in earnest with the provision that if we couldn't/didn't do it on our own by June, I'd go back to the Doctor to start Clomid.
So...here I sit...still crazy after all these years!
You know, sometimes I wonder if Earl is all there! He's as obsessed about getting dish network and/or high speed as I am about having our second child!
I understand, and can't say that I wouldn't love having them either. Our big dish is unreliable and the connection we have on the internet now is like driving on the superhighway in a Pinto!
But, as I reminded him tonight when he started spouting off information and price lists, we are just a few weeks away from possibly needing to go on fertility meds (can you say...money we don't have!).
He pouts just as sweet as his son!
I wish I could just fast forward a few weeks. This cycle has been so screwed from the beginning. I thought I started AF on 5/20, but it could have actually been on 5/15. I thought I was only on cd9, but it turns out I'm probably at cd14. For the first time in two months I had good amounts of ewcm....but I've had that before and later found I didn't really ovulate after all.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen. I hate getting my hopes up, but I can't help it. I just hope I can not spend as much on hpt's this month as I did last month!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm harming myself more than helping. Today my fibromyalgia started acting up again. Not nearly enough to wish I had my ultracet, but enough so that I began to miss my arthritis meds.
It again goes back to the weird cycle I'm in. I'm treating myself as if I'm in the 2ww...which means all meds except thyroid meds have to stop. I know this because last year when I found out I was pg, my OB told me to stop the glucophage, cataflam, and ultracet (the pain med I take on bad days).
The on again, off again, cycle of my meds has got to be affecting my long term health. Many days I can put that thought out of my mind, but for some reason today it won't go away.
Man I sound whiny! But, at least I feel better getting the thought out there. I know if I mentioned to DH how I feel, he'd just say take your meds. To him, I'm not pg until the hpt comes back positive. I know that life begins days before there's enough hormone to detect. I also know that it takes a while for the meds to get out of your system (especially when the arthritis/pain ones are taken 3-4 times a day!).
Nathan cracked us up today. We had to buy a new microwave (the one we bought the week of our wedding 15yr ago went belly up Saturday) and we're horrible shoppers. Alone we are very careful with our money, but get us together and we feed off each other until we've drained out bank account! We were coming home and he commented that he was proud of us because we managed to come home with only what we set out to purchase. I said 'I know, because we are the king and queen of frivolous spending.' And from the back seat this little voice pipes up 'And don't forget...I'm the prince!'
I'm going to try and hold off testing this month for as long as possible. I know I think/say that every month, but usually I have something fairly normal to go by in the way of cycle days or temps and the further into the 2ww wait...the more anxious I get. I don't want to waste mega amounts of money this month by starting to test too early. I think I'm going to try and hold out until June 12th. That would be cd29. It's also the Father's day (if I'm not mistaken) the day of my DH's family reunion AND the day my son gets baptized!
That's the plan. Now let's see if I can stick to it!
Well, it's started. From here on out I'm going to be living dual lives!
To the world I'll still be the mild mannered, generally happy (though often sarcastic) woman who loves her family and job and doesn't mind spending copious amounts of time with both!
However, in my mind I'm going to be analyzing every twinge of my body because this morning I woke up with painful, tingling breasts.
My pms symptoms usually include this, so you'd think by now I'd shelve this as a possible 'symptom' but I never do.
You can't die from hope, but sometimes it feels like it.
okay...enough of this...I'm exhausted and little headachey and I sound like I need a raincoat in the worst way!
I refuse to end tonight wallowing...so I'm going to think of my boys! I am blessed to live with a quarter mile walk of my parents and my brother and his family. Tonight, we had my nephews (John Ross who's 7 and Garrett whose 4) over to play and for supper. The house was strowed with toys from one end to the other, the older boys were playing computer games and talking over each other because they were too excited to wait, and little Garret was following me around the kitchen asking 'Wha dat An Kim!' to everything! Those boys (but especially my son ) are my heart. Oh...DH too!
In the words of my favorite band (The Eagles)...All right...nighty night!
I have had this song in my head all day long and it will not go away! Unfortunately it's one I can't stand! They play it at work as part of a dvd sampler. It's by 'they might be giants' and the song is 'here come the abc's'. I'm about to commit hari kari. The only thing stopping me is I have a very low pain threshold!
Today was a good day over all, although I did over analyze every twinge my body made, just like I thought I would. My bbs tingle, but that's also an early pms symptom. I'm exhausted, but I've been getting up at 4:30am every morning to go to work and working long hours the past few days. My temps shot up, but who knows where I'm at in my cycle or if I even O'd at all in the first place so it could be nothing! I've been short tempered (which for me means I'm very decisive - a good thing because I can be wishy washy - and more sarcastic/cynical than usual - which keeps my co-workers in stitches but makes me feel cranky!)...again early pms symptom!
It's still way, way, too early to even think about testing or even seriously considering I'd be feeling symptoms even if I was pg! Because this has been a challenge all my reproductive life (june will be fifteen years...gulp!) I feel like so much of....me...has been given over to trying to get pg, wondering if I am, hoping I am, preparing myself for the fact I'm probably not, realizing I didn't prepare myself well enough when I got a BFN, that I wonder if I'm truly losing my mind!
I am scared though. I'm almost 35 and while I know there are many women who do conceive and carry to term in their late 30's even early 40's I've had such a hard time getting pg in the first place, when I was supposed to be in the prime reproductiv years, that I'm scared that I'll be so 'challenged' I won't get pg again.
I've heard/read that every girl is born with the number of eggs she'll have her entire life. I think I need a refund because apparently many of mine aren't working!
I can't stop staring at my chart. I know...I'm obsessed! It's just so strange to see actual dips and rises!
If I printed out all the charts I've done over the years, I'd probably have a ream of paper consisting of useless cycles. Entire months of cycles that had little to no temperature deviation. My OB calls them annovulatory cycles.
Even if I get a bfn this month, it's somewhat comforting to know that my body isn't completely broke! And I can say that now, when my hopes are only middling high but give me a 3-5 days when the imagination runs wild and I'll deny I ever said it! I want a BFP worse than I want validation that my bodies not broke!
The odds of it happening this month are slim, even if I did ovulate, simply because DH and I didn't BD as much as we should have. We managed to hit some key days, but because I misjudged when AF started and thought I was CD9 when actually I was CD14 we missed some prime days! Last month we started doing the every other day thing from CD10 through CD20! Not that it helped...obviously...but for that reason I'm trying to keep a lid on my hopes.
I'm trying to prepare myself for a BFN with the comforting thought that next month we hopefully will be on Clomid. I'd love it if it weren't necessary because we do end up PG this month, but at least the idea there's a 'plan' in the works doesn't make me feel so desperate!
On a side note, I was so out of it last night that I actually went to bed at 8:30. When DH came to bed just after 10:00, out dog Rusty (a minature pinscher -sp-) jumped on the bed and started hopping on my head. DH had to drag him off and told me this morning I didn't even move! My usual reaction is NOT that calm!
I'm procrastinating. I need to get ready for work and I'd rather be beat! Today is fire extinguisher day. On the first of the month, I have to go around the building and inspect all sixty some odd fire extinguishers. Yippee.... :P
Today's one of the days I usually love. It's cloudy, my housework is done, I have the entire day off, and my DH/son are out of the house. But, instead of curling up with a good book or watching a 'girly movie' (as Nathan calls them), I'm watching a re-run of JAG and wondering if I have time for a nap before fixing supper! I feel so lazy today!
Except for my mind. That's going a mile and a half a minute. 10 days. I've got ten days before I test and I think I'll go insane before then. My temp went up again today. On the one hand, I'm so excited by it that I don't know what to do. On the other, I'm so nervous that tomorrow (or the next day etc) the temps are going to start going down.
It's funny what tricks the mind can play. While the temps are up, I can pretend/hope that it means I'm pg.
Sigh...okay...I've decided on something to do. Rusty just jumped in my lap and he's in desperate need of a bath! Ohhh...Rustyboo...comere boy!
What a night! And I don't mean that in a good way! I slept like a rock from 9ish until just after 3am. Then heartburn woke me up. I, fortunately, took my temp and hunted down the antacids in the dark but when I got back to bed I could NOT go back to sleep.
I lay there for over an hour, my mind going a hundred different ways...and none of them made sense! I thought about this sour cream dip I'd made yesterday, dental appointments that I've been meaning to make, whether the towels I'd washed had been put in the dryer because m son was going to need one in the morning, if Earl's new insurance would let him keep his cpap (breathing machine he has for sleep apnea) without a waiting period, why my sheets felt scratchy, and above all...why I couldn't get comfortable and go back to sleep!
I finally started to drift off a little after 4am only to woken by my son at 4:30 because he'd had a dream about zombies chasing him through the house. When I got back to bed, I did manage to fall asleep but my dreams were filled with weird stuff! I was walking through my church, hearing the congregation singing, but couldn't find them, ran into a friend of mine who'd had a baby back in January and when I reached out to take him, I almost dropped him, almost...I did catch him, but then (in the dream) I cried and cried as I told my friend I was sorry I hadn't been by to see her family in so long. When I finally broke away I went into some kitchen (it didn't belong to anyone I knew!) and was confronted by two huge spiders. Just as I reached for a cast iron skillet that I haven't had for more years than I care to speak of to kill them, Earl's alarm went off (5:30) waking me up!
I got up to help Nathan get ready for summer camp, but have been feeling out of sorts ever since. My lower back is killing me, my knee that the arthritis affects most feels like a balloon filled with broken glass, my bbs feel bloated and weird, and my stomach is growling like I haven't eaten in days! My morning coffee tastes like hot sugar water, I can't event taste the milk I put in there, and my nose is stopped up for some reason - which is probably why I can't taste anything! I know whats wrong with my back and my knee...it's still raining here. Who needs a weatherman when you have me around!
Earl asked me about my temps last night and let me tell you...that was out of the blue! I was looking at my chart (again...yes I'm obsessed) and he asked what the rise in temps meant. Not only has it been years since he's asked to see a chart, the last ones he saw had no temp deviations. It was so funny! I tried to explain it to him (again) and he just could not get it! This is a man who excels at anything to do with math and he was getting frustrated, not because of the chart itself, but because he didn't get how/what the rise in temps meant. Finally...I told him...'up good-down bad' and it was like a lightbulb went off in his head!
I am really glad I had the presence of mind to take my temp this morning in light of not being able to go back to sleep. I'd have hurt myself severely about the neck and shoulders if I'd missed a day temping this late into the cycle! It went up again to 98.2. I'm not sure what that may mean exactly. I'm hoping it's not getting ready to top out and then plummet though I can tell you that!
9 days....I have 9 days before I test.
Today was a strange day. Good but strange. I slept like a rock again until just after three - again woken by heartburn. Remembering what happened yesterday morning I took my temp (this time it was 98.2 1/2). Good thing too because I could NOT get comfy again after getting back to bed. It's been raining here since Wednesday and rainy days kill my arthritis/fibromyalgia. When I finally got up just past seven it felt like my back/hips area had been wrung like a dishcloth! It's cleared up though, so hopefully my achiness will subside a little.
Going to work helped to keep my mind occupied for the most part. I know people thought I was nuts though because I couldn't walk past the food court when they were cooking popcorn (just didn't smell right to me!) and I refused to do any heavy lifting. The first has been a pms symptom in the past (heightend smell that is) the second was just me being overly cautious!
I did have some twinges in low in my belly today that had me wondering what was going on. Sortof like the way your stomach feels when you've been wearing a pair of pants that are WAY too tight...just uncomfortable and achy...but the pants I wore today were a pair of oft washed khakis that I've worn a hundred times before. Again though, my body reacts differently to pms when I actually ovulate. It very well could be my bodies warm up for AF cramping (which I get really bad when I O) My bbs also still hurt, different than last month though....more all over achy. Again...could be 'because I O'd pms symptoms.'
I'm desperately trying to read too much into what's going on in my body. It's so unpredictable...well...the severity of what it does anyway. I always have sore bbs, general bleh feeling in the tummy, and sleepiness when I'm in the throws of pms. The severity of it depends on whether or not I O and that varies also depending on whether or not I do it on my own or am pharmaceuticall enhanced!
I have 8 days...8days till I test.
I'm so fearful to take my temp at this point. It's so promising right now.
I actually came home tonight and took my temp, just to see if it was still up and it was actually pretty high 99.9. I'm hoping that's a good sign for tomorrow!
Okay...nine hours on my feet and very little food have got me not making sense even to myself. I'm going to bed...after I eat a piece of toast.
Okay, I went in search of toast and ended up with a slice of pepperoni pizza Nathan had left over froms supper. Good at the time, but by 1:30am I was regretting it! Can we say heartburn that will not die?
So here I was...again...middle of the night, unable to sleep, mind going a million different directions (all of them centered on 'could I be pg' and a review I've got to give at work tomorrow...it's not going to be a good one and I hate those).
I've already posted this question on the Feb 06 board, but I'm going to write my thoughts here too. It was like this Friday night, but last night was worse. As I lay there, my skin was so hot it was uncomfortable. Mostly my arms and legs, which was weird feeling to say the least! It had that dry heat, thin skin feeling you get sometimes right before you find our you're sick and running a fever. When I took my temp this morning, it was still up at 98.2. I'm really hoping that's a pg symptom, but as I said at the Feb board, at this point in the game I'm hoping breathing is a symptom!
I'm going to miss church today because of work...again. I love my job, but I really hate missing so much of church. I miss a lot of special things, not just the sermons, but the fellowship with the people, and things like today. They're honoring the graduates from this year, and that includes my Nathan who graduated kindergarten. Sigh.....
Okay...enough wallowing! I truly believe God led me to this job, a story that is much too long to go into now, and that he keeps me there for a reason. I'm also much too thankful about having a good paying job when there are so many out there who do not, to complain too much!
I've got to stop by the grocery and see if I can find REGULAR strength tylenol (It's so hard to find regular strength though because everything is 'extra or maximum' which are no-nos). I remember from when I was pg w/ Nathan I was allowed to take that in moderation. I hoping if I use it sparingly, it will at least take the edge off my discomfort. Because I'm in the 2ww I've stopped all my arthritis/pain meds and it's beginning to become apparent.
Okay, I've got to get church clothes together for the boys and iron my own pants for work and this is not getting my work done!