Yesterday turned out to be a nice day all things considered. My chores got done...eventually and I ended up spending a good evening with my boys.
I got the grocery shopping and chores done in plenty of time to relax. I watched A Baby story (as many times as possible!) and JAG and played on the computer and read a little bit. I also got to talk to my friend Ann which was sooooo nice. Then Earl suggested we go to circuit city instead of church to look for a tv. Our other one started messing up and we thankfully had the extended warranty on it! It turns out it was unrepairable so the store has to replace it. My days off have not meshed very well with Earl's lately so we're running out of time to tell them which one we want. So...anyway...last night we took the time to go see which ones were available. It was nice to spend some time with Earl and Nathan. We walked around the store, played some of the demo video games, shopped for a tv, acted silly and just had a good time. Then we took Nathan to McDonald's for a happy meal and drove home, singing to the radio and just talking and laughing. It seems like forever since we've spent time like that.
On the ttcing front, I got a nice call from my OB's office. They wanted to let me know that when I got to CD1 again they already had a prescription for Clomid in my file waiting to be called in. All I have to do is call them to let them know AF arrived. It's great to know that...but I can't help but hope I don't need it!
My temps shot up today to 97.9 (from 97.2 yesterday) and my chart came back saying I O'd yesterday. I hope so because it fell on one of our scheduled BD nights. Wouldn't that be convenient? Now lets just hope there was an egg and it was willing to be caught!
I'm not giving up on the 'plan' though since who knows if it was really O time or not! So, the every other night thing will continue through at least CD25. At this point all I can do is watch my temps and see what happens.
I've got to work tonight from 2 to close. I'm not looking forward to it. It's my first night closing by myself so I'm a little nervous(w/ no other manager's there to rely on for backup) but it's more than that. I saw Nathan and Earl briefly before they left for work/day camp but both of them will be in bed when I get home. Then tomorrow, I work a mid-shift so that means I'll miss Nathan but at least I'll see Earl! I'm trying to be thankful that I have a job at all! There are so many that don't...my FIL included.
I think what it ALL boils down to is that all my life I've wanted to be a SAHM and for the first 3.5 yrs of Nathan's life...that's what I was. I miss it. But, it's more than that. I'm nervous about having another baby. Not being pregnant and working because I'v done that before. But...and this sounds stupid...I know how to be a mom who stays at home. A mom who breastfeeds on demand and has time to sit and stare at her new baby, to run and play with a toddler, to go to the park at midday, to have time to nap when the baby does, to keep on top of my housework, to have time to spend with my husband. I DON'T know how to work a 45+hr week job whose schedule changes EVERY week. I mean...financially...we would have to pay for daycare 5 days a week even though there's a possiblity we'd only use it 3-4 days because I'd never know when my days off were! And the baby! Schedules are good...necessary...for them. If I did have the day off, and kept the baby at home with me, how badly would that screw them up when one day they're in a structured environment at daycare and then the next at home with mommy then the next day back at day care with no rhyme nor reason to the days! At least with a M-F job you'd get a rhythm to '5days here...2days there'. I'm going to give myself an ulcer worrying about this!
I know I'm crossing bridges before I get to them and counting chicks before I know whether or not the eggs even been laid...much less hatched! I can't believe I'm actually sounding so insecure! What I need to do is turn this whole thing back over to God. I'm obviously not handling it well!
On a sort of unrelated note....
My SIL called this morning...asking if they could take Nathan to the lake again. Part of me wants to tell her absolutely NOT! But, then I wonder how selfish is that? I'm working all day on Saturday and the only thing Earl has planned are chores that will keep him around the house! Lets see...if I were six would I want to spend the day playing by myself while Dad mows the lawn or spend it at the lake with my best friend (my 7yr old nephew). There's no contest!
Okay...time to get moving. My coffee and strawberries are gone and I have things that need to be done before work.
I'm at my wits end over here. My easygoing, happy 6yo has been replaced with an angry, sullen, teenager...and I don't know what to do!
It's been building for a couple of weeks but this past week has been horrible around here. Natahn has turned into an angry, mouthy, defiant little guy...but it's not coming out in violence or destructive habits. He's crying! Well...screaming angrily and crying at the same time!
Just this morning he cried (and I mean red, splotchy faced sobbing with an underlying thread of anger and frustration) about having to get up, having to take a bath, not having time to make a biscuit for breakfast, having to get dressed, not being able to comb his hair the way he likes it because he's in need of a hair cut, not being able to play while his daddy finished getting ready (mainly because he'd wasted so much time crying that he'd run out of time!), not being able to get the toothpast cap off and then to round out the mornings festivities he threw the mother of all tantrums...screaming, crying, hitting his head (to try and make his hair lay flat), and literally digging in his heels, yelling 'I'm not going to camp...no way...nuhh-uhhh...I look like a girl!' because his hair was over his ears and sticking out a little. He hates that. I told him I'd cut it for him tonight to hold him over till he gets a real hair cut but that only made it worse for some reason! Like he thought I was holding out on helping him for my own amusement!
So of course, Earl has the truck running, the lunchboxes and bags loaded up and is getting pissed because of 1. Nathan's attitude and 2. Nathan's attitude is going to make him late for work! So now you have to add a 40yo man's attitude to the list of things that went wrong this morning! Normally, Earl is the easy going one and I'm the disciplinarian of the family but Nathan's new attitude is bringing out Earl's old fashioned 'I'm the parent, the only acceptable answer is 'Yes, Sir. No, Sir. and I don't understand, Sir' tendancies!
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm on Earl's side here! Earl and I were both raised to respect your parents and follow directions with little to no arguing and that's the way we've raised Nathan. We've tried to teach him that if he has input into a situation, by all means talk to us, but do it respectfully. Screaming at us, talking to us like we're the village idiot, and surly attitude will get you no where...fast! And, up until the past few weeks, ours has been a relatively arguement free zone. Lively, because you can't live with two men who are always positive they're the one that's right without it getting a little rowdy, but the arguing/talking was always 'respectful' and fun.
I'm not quite sure what to do from this point though. I've tried talking to Nathan to find out if somethings going on at camp to upset him. The house rules haven't changed. His schedule hasn't changed (unless you count going over to his cousins house so much in the past few weeks). He's not sick (or getting sick) which in the past has caused him to be angry/frustrated simply because he couldn't understand why he felt so bad.
I'm frustrated. Nathan's frustrated. Earl is frustrated. And it ain't pretty!
On another note, last night's closing the store went really well. I didn't get home and in bed until 11:30 so I'm tired...but that's okay.
Tonight's another 'on' night for me and Earl. I have to say that right this minute that's not a fun prospect for me! I'm still sick, although it seems to have moved out of my stomach and is trying to become a sinus infection (I'd rather throw up continuously!), I've got another 9+ hr day to look forward to on top of getting 5hrs sleep and my son's been taken by aliens or something!
I know that there's going to be a lot of changes coming because he IS growing up and trying to form his own opinions about things and wanting to assert himself and his needs, but we've got to find a balance here somewhere! I don't want to crush his spirit but I do want to nip this anger thing in the bud. Earl and I are both even tempered people so this 'I'm angry at the world - especially if things don't go the way I think they should' attitude is leaving us both drained and sniping at each other!
Okay...enough rambling...I'm going to go take a shower to see if it will clear my head.
I think this month may be a wash.
According to FF I O'd on Wednesday...which would be great because we BD'd on Mon and Wed. According to the chart I'm keeping on pg.org I O'd last night...which would suck because we haven't BD'd since Wed!
I've been not feeling well since last Sunday and it has gotten progressively worse as the week went on. We were supposed to BD on Friday but I was absolutely miserable (sinus headache so bad my teeth hurt, couldn't breath, sore thoat, having trouble getting a good breath through my mouth because my chest hurt, nauseous, and my body ached horribly). I drug myself out of bed Saturday and plodded through a day at work because I don't have any sick days to take and when I got home last night it was more of the same....so no BDing last night either!
I hope that FF is right and I O'd earlier in the week, at least then I'll have a chance of gettng a BFP.
Let's see...so far this cycle I missed getting Clomid because of playing phone tag until it was too late to take the pills and when we finally get to the active part of the month I'm too sick to move much less BD! Overall, I'd say that, so far, this cycle has truly sucked!
Now, here I go....off to work again! I wish I had some days off I could take without dipping into my vacation. I just need to sleep and take care of myself so that this 'thing' I have doesn't turn into bronchitis (like these sinus things I have usually do).
Whew! I'm feeling more normal today! I've been up for an hour and am still able to breath without the help of medication so that's a good thing!
This morning went well with Nathan also, only one episode of attitude and that may have been MY fault! When I went to fill his lunchbox, I found a crumbly mess of crackers in the bottom that had mixed with the dregs of a juice box. Yuummmmy! When I confronted Nathan about the mess his lunch box was in he said it wasn't HIS fault. He started getting frustrated/angry because I told him he had to take responsibility for his mess. It turns out he was trying to tell me that they ate snack on the bus home from a field trip and he didn't have anywhere to throw his trash away. I told him that was fair enough, but he still needed to take responsibility for the half eaten crackers in the bottom of the box because he could have put them back in the baggie to avoid a bigger mess. One of the things we're having to work on with him is taking responsibility for his actions. Here's an example (other than lunch!) if he forgot to take his 'homework' back to school he blamed his dad. Usually going 'Well...DADDY forgot to put it in my bag!' When he knows it's his responsibility (and on his little morning checklist) to check his folder and make sure his homework is in there.
But, other than the lunchbox episode, it was a normal morning! Yeah!! Of course, this was a weekend we kept Nathan home with us. Because of his attitude last week (but especially Friday morning) we didn't allow him to go to the lake with his cousin. I worked all weekend, but when I was home he was more like the little boy I know and Earl said there were no episodes of anger/frustration on the level of Friday and only the minor skirmishes you'd expect from a six year old who'd rather play than unload/load the diswasher or put away his clothes! Makes me wonder if the problem may be coming from spending more time w/ my Bro/sil and their family? Don't know, more research will have to go into that!
On the TTC front, as I said yesterday I think we missed our window of opportunity for BDing because of the plague I came down with. According to FF I'm now 5dpo so I'm treating myself as if I'm in 2ww. Which I really hate because I feel so bad! It severely limits the OTC meds I'll take, that's for sure.
Because I feel so bad overall any early pms (or pg ) symptoms have been masked. Although yesterday at work I felt a tingling/painful sensation in the sides of my bbs begin that hasn't subsided. Of course, I say this every month, that is one of my major PMS symptoms so I'm not reading anything into it...yet! Give me a few more days and I'll be reading symptoms into everything...limited BDing notwithstanding!
I could probably save myself some time by cutting and pasting my posts from the March board over here...but I don't!
I'm 7dpo today and last month my temps peaked out at 7dpo before starting to drop. I'm a little nervous about that. Now, I've never had two cycles exactly alike and the odds of temps dropping this time right at 8dpo are slim, but I can't help but draw comparisons.
This is two cycles in a row that I've actually been able to GET a coverline...much less a string of days with temps ABOVE it!
Now...last month the temps rose steadily, peaked, and dropped just as steadily until AF showed.
This month...they're all over the place! High...then lower...high again...then lower...then same temp two days in a row...then higher again! Who can draw a pattern from that?! Disney?!
The only other thing going on is my bbs are tender. Again...early pms! One would think I'd learn by now that it's the first pms symptom I get, but I always hope it means pg. I remember w/ both Nathan and my last m/c that painful bbs and tiredness were my only symptoms. At around 5-6wks w/ Nathan I started having horrible m/s!
The only thing I can do now is wait and I hate waiting! Fortunately I don't have any pg tests in the house. If I can hold off buying one until I'm 13dpo then I won't be wasting money!
I close the store tonight. I'm still a little nervous about it, but I know that will subside the more I do it. Earl and his dad are also going to go pick up our new tv tonight. Nathan's excited because today his day camp is going on a field trip to the Durham Bull's. He loves going to the ball park.
Okay...time to get some things done around here before I have to go to work.
How can a day go from not bad to 'you've got to be kidding' in four easy steps....by Kim!
Yesterday started out fairly normal, if odd because of working late hours. Then, being proactive, I went by the grocery store before work to get some dog food and a 'lunchable' for Nathan's lunch today (because I'd get home so late Earl was getting Nathan ready for school by himself and I wanted to make his life a teensie bit easier).
Step 1: I get there and find out the only dog food my dog will eat without strowing it all over the house picking out the bits he likes is being discontinued! 30 cans of dog food later I go back to the car and start driving to work.
Step 2: Right before I get to the exit onto the highway my car starts making a funny, stuttering noise, so I pass the exit and pull into the McDonald's right next to it. As I brake to make the turn the car absolutely dies! Stops dead in the middle of the in/out driveway. Someone inside saw and sent out three of the guys who were working to help me push it into a parking space. I reach into my purse for my phone and realize I left it at HOME! They let me use the phone inside and fortunately my FIL was home. He couldn't figure out anything just glancing at it (all the belts were intact and the fluids were good but it was still to hot to look at in depth). So, he took me to work and Earl and he were going to look at it after work.
Step 3: I don't have a master key yet so I have this huge key ring that weighs three pounds easy. Our personnel mgr was talking to me about an hour before she left for the day, asking if there was anything that made me nervous about closing. I said the only thing was that I'd leave my keys in an room that automatically locks and I'd be stuck w/ no keys because there'd be no other manager in the building. So...and you know where this is going....about an hour after she left I was helping an irate customer and ran into my office to get a phone number for them. I wrote the number down and hurried out so as not to keep them waiting and as soon as my door started shutting I realized my keys were on my desk! I lunged for the door but didn't get to it in time! So...here I stand...customer waiting...only manager in the building...and no keys!
Fortunately Brenda (the personnel mgr) only lives about 5min away and (through her laughter) told me she'd come back and let me get into my office. So...two times closing and I make the idiot list!!
Step 4: It's 11pm and I'm halfway home. My FIL has thankfully waited for me to be off work to come get me and bring me home. He'd told Earl he would because there was no sense in dragging Nathan out of bed at 10pm just to come get me. So...we get halfway home and I realize the lunchable that I bought to help Earl out this morning with the getting ready process is sitting in the breakroom refrigerator!! As I inwardly moaning about that, my FIL tells me the car had to be towed (money we don't have) from McD's to home and it might be the oil pump (again money we don't have!).
So...a normal day went down hill fast!
On the waiting to test front.....
This morning my temp went down to 97.1. It's below the coverline and dropped from 97.7 yesterday. That's probably a good indication that this month is a wash. I'm still going to temp, but I don't expect anything out of this month.
So...now my day (today) is starting out crappy. My temps are down, I haven't seen my son or my husband since Tuesday night because of my work schedule with no hope of seeing them until sometime tomorrow, I have no car, and we have no money to fix the car!!
I've got to get ready for work soon. I'm just...bleh...right now. I'm worried about money, not having transportation and a schedule so radically different from Earls that it makes it impossible for us to ride together, not seeing my family for so many days in a row especially because of the challenges we've been having with Nathan, and especially worried about whether or not this was our month, being disappointed about my temps going down, wondering if having a second child will ever happen for us...and if it does...
Okay...stop...I'm giving myself a panic attack!!
Shower...iron pants...pack lunch...calming, deep, breaths...get through today...temp tomorrow...see what happens...
I'm an emotional wreck! I've just spent the past ten minutes crying like there's been a death in the family! I can't even say I've stopped because as I'm typing this I'm still leaking.
I feel...I don't know how I feel...or even why I'm feeling it. I just wish I could stop crying.
I'm glad my two day stint of closing is over. I just hope that I'm not going to have to do that every week...not back to back anyway. I got home later last night because of several different reasons I don't want to go into right now, but even though it was after midnight before I got to sleep I hauled myself out of bed at 5:30 so I could see Nathan and Earl before they left for work.
I wish I could describe the sleepy smile my boy gave me when I went to wake him up. I'm going to start crying again though if I try. I helped Earl get ready for the day and talked with my boys and then when they left I collapsed back in the bed!
I'm off today though and am stuck in the house because of having no car! My plan is to get the chores done and cook something for the guys (and myself...I don't want to see another sandwich/can of soup) that's not convenience food so that tonight we can spend some time just goofing off.
My temp went down again today from 97.1 to 96.9.
I'm thinking that AF is going to show up any day now. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry...again.
Why am I so emotional right now! My normal pms/mo is to get cranky and go snap bean on everyone and thing that gets in my way! I think there's just so much going on right now in my life that I can't control(my job, car, worries over Earl/Nathan, my inability to get pg, money) that I'm just quietly freaking out!
I'm what I affectionately call a 'latent control freak'. To look at me you wouldn't think I have a care in the world and am really laid back/easy going type person. In reality I want to know what's happening, when it's happening, any contingency plans for if it doesn't go the way I thought it was, and...well you get the point.
I really wanted this month to be it for us but, while it's not over yet, it feels like it's winding down. The good news is that I've got a prescription for clomid on standby in my chart at my OB's office. So if AF does show, all I've got to do is give them call.
Okay...this isn't getting my chores done...and tomorrow I'll temp again and see where it goes.
Well, my body's done it again! I have no idea what's going on now.
Four days ago, my temps dove way below the coverline and stayed that way for two days. Now for the past two days, they've gone back above the coverline and parked themselves at 97.5!
I don't know what to think!
I'm not having any pms symptoms like normal. Usually by this time of the cycle I'm having sore bbs, mood swings, a mild bleh feeling in my stomach and sometimes even heightened smell and low belly twinges (depending on if I O'd or not). Right now I'm feeling next to nothing. Several days ago I felt some bb twinges/tingling but that's not happening anymore. I am more emotional than usual, but instead of being cranky I'm weepy, but that's probably because my well ordered life is very much spinning out of control right now!
I truly hope this wasn't an annovulatory cycle! That's the only reason I can think of for NOT feeling any pms/pg symptoms by now. If this is an annovulatory cycle there's no telling how long this cycle will be!
I'd planned to test sometime around cd29, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to! Without a car I can't get to the store to get a test without DH knowing about it. I don't want him to know when/if I test because if I do manage to get a BFP, I want to surprise him. We do sell them at work, but because we have to check our purchases at the door, everyone and their brother would know I've bought a test before I hit the parking lot and I don't want that either!
I do have an OB appt on 7/12. If I haven't started or managed to test on my own by then, I'll have them run a test.
Oh...crub! My temp dropped to 97.1 today and FF friend confirmed what I'd been hoping wasn't happening. There's no longer any discernable pattern and FF is now saying I didn't O at all. PG.org still says I am, but my temps are all over the board this month, so I'm going with FF.
It's weird though because in the past when I had an annovulatory cycle the temps never went up and down in such ranges. They just kind of stuck to the middle of the chart with barely any deviations.
At this point I'm not sure when or if AF is going to start. Now, I could be wrong about the annovulatory thing, but I don't think so. I'm too far along in my cycle to NOT be feeling hardly any pms symptoms.
Sigh I guess I'm just going to wait and temp and see what happens. I do have my appt on the 12th to look forward to. If AF hasn't shown by then I'll be around cd33/34 so I'll ask progesterone to bring her on...then...I'll get Clomid!
I know it's not over till AF shows, but there's just nothing chart wise to hang my hopes on right now!