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04-15-2003, 12:17 PM #1Super Poster
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Prayer needed: TTC #1 after m/c 11/30/01
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Prayer needed: TTC #2 after 1st little angel has gone to heaven
ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-25 19:08&& 
Well, I'm starting this journal in order to keep a record of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I also am trying to stop obsessively talking with dh about ttc. I am ttc #2 after loosing our 1st last Nov. We've been married since 1999, and I love him very much. Today is cd2. Last month I used a fertility monitor for the first time. I o on cd17 last month. The monitor is borrowed from a parent of one of my former students. I like using it. It is easy...1st morning urine...put in machine...results. Definitely not as hard as opk. It was hard to do it roughly the same time every day. Even harder was holding my urine for 4 hours. I would sometimes forget. This is our 7th month ttc. It DOES get harder each month. Each month I figure when the baby would be born if I conceived. It's like each month I already have a baby in my head. Also I miss our other baby. I think about how old she would be at Christmas, ect. I've begun actively seeking doctor's advise though. I changed doctors since my last pg. My doctor now is more willing to do test. My last doctor wouldn't test until 3 unsuccessful pg. That would be WAY too hard for me. Last month I had my progesterone tested on cd21. They said it was 19. They said anything above 15 is good. Now this month I have to go in for a Post Coital Test. I didn't even know what this was. They said when I ovulate according to the monitor...come in the next day but have sex on the morning I go to the doctor. They will test the interaction of sperm and my cervial mucus. Who ever knew getting pg would be this technical? And to think I spent all those years trying to avoid having a baby...only to find out it really is harder than it seems for some people. Then you have people like my 17 year old neice who get pg and shouldn't be. I don't think I can even go over to my in-laws any time soon because there is always a chance she may be there. She smokes even though she's pg. She jumped into the pool on her STOMACH even though she's pg. And God only knows what she does at home when nobody is looking (drugs, drinks, etc). I feel really bad for the baby. He will be so innocent in all this. And that's another thing...she's upset it's a boy. She wanted a girl. And her mom, my sil, is dumb enough to feel the same way. I don't want to be around them. But I miss my fil and mil. If they weren't out of town we could visit and just come home when the idiots arrive. But we are stuck there since we have no other place to stay. We're building a new house with a spare room so they can visit us (whenever it is finished-it's taking forever). Anyway, I love this idea of a journal. It's nice putting my thoughts into words. I've done this before on paper, but this is better. I don't feel I have to worry about if someone finds it and reads it. I can write freely. I look forward to reading over these entries in the future. Hopefully I can update every day.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-26 11:40&& 
CD3
Well I was so nervous today because late last night I got a call from my boss saying she was going to evaluate me today. This was my first evaluation with this particular boss. I was so worried. I worked on my presentation all night (it felt like). Actually it was around midnight when I went to sleep. I had to be there at 8:45. I don't know why I was so nervous. I think I'm good at what I do. And I also already have accepted a new job that starts in Aug. I have not given my notice, but I always should keep in mind I've got another job lined up anyway. As far as ttc goes...af is really heavy this month. I hate it! I remember being in middle school and it being this heavy. I remember staying home from school because it was so heavy it literally made me sick. Then I think about how when I put myself on bc in high school how it all went away. I could track af to the minute too. It's funny sometimes I think about going back on bc just to make af easier. But that really defeats the purpose of ttc. I always feel this way during af week though. Anyway I hope this is my month. It seems like everyone I've talked to about the monitor says that it worked successfully in month two. I hope this is what happens with me. It keeps getting harder and harder to know if it will ever happen. Then I think maybe we should consider adoption. I'm not sure I could do it, but I think it would be better than being childless. My friend has a foreign little girl staying with her for seven weeks this summer to obtain medical help. I look at her and think I'd take her. And I've got another friend whose been trying to adopt for the past 4-5 years. We don't really have the money to do this. I guess time will only tell if all these things in my mind are even worth thinking about. But if my mom tells me one more time to just relax, and it will happen...I'm going to loose it! She has never experienced this, and I'm going to have to distance myself from mine and dh's family. It really is hard being around some people.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-28 10:56&& 
CD5
WOW, what a wild and crazy past two days!!! I ended up in the hospital 2 nights ago. I felt completely fine all day. I cooked dinner, and I then started feeling a little sick. DH ate the same thing and didn't get sick. I slept for a little while, and woke up sicker than I've ever been. DH called EMT, and they took me to the hospital. They couldn't get me stop throwing up. All the medicine didn't help for a while. So I spent all night in the hospital. I'm doing better. I'm on bed rest now though. I thought I would not be sick again until I was pg again. And bed rest should be something I only do when I'm pg. Oh well! It seems if it's not one thing it's another. I just want a normal life. I want to conceive and be sick for that reason...NOTHING else. I have a follow up appointment today. I still can't eat, but I'm better. It's funny during all this I thought...at least I'm not sick during ovulation. Isn't that crazy! I know being on CD5 at least I still have a chance to be better by o time and still conceive. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-28 17:38&& 
CD5 cont...
Well I just need to vent and this seems like a great way! I just got back from the stomach specialist. Not a great guy! He just looked at me and said basically I had food poisoning! DUH!!! I would not have even gone for the follow-up, but dh thought it was necessary. I hate being sick. Even more I hate myself when I'm sick. I'm not a good patient. And to make it worse I'm stressing about work. Right now I feel like I could crawl in a hole and stay there. I just wish I could have a normal life. I want to be pg...have a child...have my new house finished (we're in the process of building)...have a car that doesn't leak when it rains...all this stuff...I just wish all my problems would go away. I wish I could reach out to someone. DH is probably getting tired of me. I just have to keep going minute by minute. After my miscarriage someone told me try not to think about getting through the next day or even hour...just try to get through the next minute...maybe 5. That's what I'm going to try to do now. Why does life have to be so complicated.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-29 20:11&& 
CD6
Well today dh has seemed to have come down with a stomach virus too. Not nearly as bad as mine, but it has put him under. It's always something! I'm still back to I'm glad it is not o time. I hope being sick doesn't effect o for me. I figure I'm at least a little over a week from o. I called my boss and left a message, but she still hasn't called back. I'll be glad to get away from this co. They expect me to be waiting on their every whim, but they can't return my calls!!! I need a vacation. DH talked with his parents last night...we haven't visited since 17 year old pg neice was around last. She smokes and everything else. I don't want to be around her. My family is having its own problems...health related. I don't want to be around anyone, but I don't want to be alone either. I need more close friends. My family has always been my close freinds, but I can't talk to them about ttc. This makes me think next time (if I ever do conceive again) I'm going to keep it a secret as long as I can (hopefully 12-15 weeks). I'm trying to distance myself now for the future because it will be very hard for me to keep this secret. I've started reading more. I've never been a person who likes to read, but it seems better for passing the days than tv, except for GH, have to watch it. Boy, I'm rambling. Anyway I'm trying to remain positive. A very hard thing for me to do. This journal seems to help though.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-06-30 13:06&& 
CD7
Today I've felt a little better. I got out of the house for the first day in days, except for the hospital and doctor's office. I'm extremely tired though. I'll be glad when this week is over (and it's not even Monday). I've already started my monthly count down until the baby for this month would be born. I do this every month. It is terrible. This month I'm not telling dh. I made a deal to back off telling him such silly stuff. This baby's due date would be April 1, 2003. April Fools Baby! Wouldn't that be funny?! I hope it happens this month. So far it is too early to even start taking test for the monitor. Last month that started on CD 9. I guess I'm back to the waiting game. Wish me luck!!!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-01 11:27&& 
CD8
Well my stomach is in knots!!! I just spoke with my boss. I have a meeting this afternoon I don't want to go to. I just told my boss about my other job offer. I'm so nervous about seeing her this afternoon. I just want to be gone from this co. I think I'll enjoy this new job better. It seems more personable. Although I always feel like I'll enjoy my next job more. Isn't that terrible?! I really want to be a SAHM! The only problem I'm having with that is getting to the mom part. DH would love for be to be at home. I just feel guilty staying home without a child. I already have cut my hours since my mc. I am going to cut them more now. If only I could get pg, and then I'd know what my job would be!!!! Wish me luck at this meeting.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-01 17:30&& 
CD8 cont.
Well I made it through my meeting. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to hear from my boss. I was completely upfront with her. I told her all about the other job offer. I had to present today too. I hate being in front of people. DH said to quit work altogether. He said to stay at home. I slipped and said I'd be a Stay At Home Wife instead of a SAHM. I wasn't suppose to mention the b word (baby) this month to him. It was a deal I came up with. I would feel so stupid staying at home without children. What would all those years in college be for then?! And what would people think?! Although I'm pretty much past what people think about my career choices. I've gotten over that in the past year (I think). I just want this new job to work out. I called a church today near where we are building our house. I'm hoping to find a new church to go to. Church always has so much politics though. Anyway maybe we'll visit. I'd like to have a new church before we move. I love this journal. It's probably boring to read, but I enjoy venting in my writing.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-02 13:01&& 
CD9-high
Well CD9 was the first day the monitor asked for a test this month just like last month. Unlike last month...it went to high today. Last month it was CD10 when it went to high...then stayed high for about a week. I hope this thing knows what it's doing. We are bd every other night anyway...we'll dh doesn't know there is a schedule, but there is! Let's see how I can keep him on a schedule w/o him knowing it. He'd bd every night, but I don't want his sperm count to go down before o. Anyway I feeling so anxious about everything now. I'm at my lunch break. I've really got to go. I just need to throw myself into work right now. This works out good since I'm working this afternoon, and I wasn't planning on it. Now if only I could hear from my b*tchy boss I would feel better. Well at least I would know where I stand. I hate not knowing things or being in control. I guess that is one thing that makes ttc so hard!!!!!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-02 18:40&& 
CD9-high cont.
Well my afternoon has pasted. I still haven't heard from my boss. I HATE being in limbo!!! And to make it worse dh is working a lot lately. I always feel alone. I try reaching out to people, but I never seem to make a real connection with anyone. I even tried calling old friends. One friend I used to be very close with before I got married, and she got remarried...she's out of town. She's a great friend in the aspect of if I need her...she's there. But she never stays in contact. She waits for me to call. Then it's like old times. Although I wish sometimes she would call me. So I called another friend/former coworker. We are meeting for lunch. The only thing is I have a hard time trusting people. I need to open up to someone soon, or I may explode! I just feel very alone. I want someone to share stuff with. I'd prefer to have a female friend too. I want to be able to compare female problems. I want girlfriends! It seems to come so easy to some people. Oh well...keeping my journal lets me release my own feelings.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-03 16:27&& 
CD10-high
Well today is almost over. I can't believe how tired I am. DH said I've been talking in my sleep again. When I'm really stressed I have terrible nightmares and talk in my sleep. I'm stressed about work, family, & ttc right now. Not a good time! But today was a new day. Worked this morning...had lunch with a friend this afternoon...tried to relax too. We're going to see some fireworks tonight. I'm trying to remain positive around dh. I'm so proud of myself for not complaining to him about anything this month. I haven't mentioned the baby thing except once accidentally. Now I have to make sure he doesn't drink tonight (or much) or get too tired. We need to bd tonight to stay on schedule. It's kind of fun seeing if I can keep him on it w/o him knowing. At least he has no pressure. I don't like that I wish each month away. I never even know what the date is anymore. But ask me what cd it is, and I'm ready. I almost think for example today is the 10th because it's cd10. I don't like the idea I'm living my life for my next cycle. I wish I could get out of this, but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up the counting, the monitor, the schedule, etc. I think I'll give it until November. That will be a year since Angel died. After that I'll consider giving up all the technicle stuff, maybe!? Hopefully I'll be pg by then!!! [img]/phpBB/images/smiles/../emoticons/love2.gif[/img]
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-04 17:14&& 
CD11-high
Well I kind of knew it...dh couldn't stick to the schedule, or I couldn't keep him on it. We bd last night and today. Don't get me wrong...I love it! And I guess since the monitor said high for about 1 week last month...we've still got time before over using his sperm is an issue. Anyway its been a lazy day but nice. I just wish I was here with Angel who should have been born by now. I guess some days are harder than others. I think about her all the time. I'll never forget her. I want to be pg again. I don't want to replace her, but I do want another child. Maybe April Fool's Day will be lucky for me next year!!! And my job situation is driving me crazy!!!!!!!! My boss still hasn't called me back with the info I need. I called her, and she said she would call me back yesterday afternoon....LIER!!!! Today I'm not bothering with it. Tomorrow I'll try again. I'm definitely quitting this job!!!! One day I'll be a SAHM, and be the happiest woman on earth!!!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-06 10:10&& 
CD13-high
Well I'm sick again. This time my neck and throat hurt really bad. I wonder if I get sick a lot because of stress. My mom said I wasn't sick hardly at all as a kid. Anyway...I'm trying to stay strong. We are still bd kind of on schedule. Probably one time too many. But that's on schedule pretty much. As soon as I o...I'm ready for my doc's visit. It means next week could get crazy trying to make sure we bd on that day and rearraning my schedule to get to the doc. I'm excited though. I like having these test done. Maybe they'll find something that is easy to correct, and I'll get pg!!!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-07 21:00&& 
cd14-high
Today was a good day. Had to turn dh down for bd because I don't want to overdue it before peak time. Tomorrow is the day to bd. I've also got my appointment with doc if I peak tomorrow. I've got to call in the morning. We'll just have to wait and see. I'm feeling extremely positive this month! More than ever now. This is really unusual for me. I'm always a negative person (sad but true). Maybe this is a good sign!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
Patron
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-08 10:57&& 
CD15-PEAK
I'm so excited!!!! I can't explain the way I feel. I feel like everything is going well. That is not to say everything is going perfect, but everything feels like it is happening for a reason. Bad stuff is still happening, but I'm dealing with everything better. My neice's dad died. This is really sad for me. I feel sad for her. She's had a rough short life so far. I feel close to her even though I don't see her but a few times a year. Now she's going to live with my sil. It is probably for the best (I hope). And my g-ma is still sick. She's going for help later this week. And work is up in the air. I know I have a new job starting in Aug., but I'm not sure how much of it I can do. With all this happening I would normally be the most negative person you have ever seen. I even have hated being around myself in the past. BUT I have this strange feeling going through me letting me know everything is going to be okay. I love this feeling. Now I'm not saying that this feeling could just be a feeling. I realize I won't know anything for 2 weeks (as far as the baby goes), but I feel good. I'm not going to deny that! I hope this all isn't a huge let down. I really don't think it is. And if it is I think I'll need help after the let down. I'll need cheerleaders then. And this afternoon I've got my post coiteal test. I'm so looking forward to it. I'm going alone. After I lost my last baby dh said he would go to every doctor's appointment with me. I told him he didn't have to go to fertility appointments. Now in two weeks if I'm pg he will go to every appointment. I refuse to go alone to any appointments. I could not handle going in for a normal check-up like last time and finding something is wrong. Although I also have this feeling this baby is going to be perfectly fine. I must sound crazy! I hope all these feelings a correct.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-08 16:11&& 
CD15-Peak cont.
I just got back from my doc's appointment. Cervical mucus good. DH's sperm low. She said she should see 10-15 sperm in each little look. She only saw 2-4. She said it could be because he gets too hot. Isn't that weird? She said to just "attack" him the next few days, and if I get my period this month to get his sperm tested. I've decided not to tell him that his sperm looks low. He doesn't need that pressure during his peak performance time. He does know that he has to "get his boys checked" if I get my period again. I figure they can tell him then if it is low. Or at least that's the way I'm thinking now. I hate keeping things from him, but it could just have been this morning he was low. He got really overheated during bd. He even had to take a break. So I'm just going to stay very positive. I still can't explain this feeling. As for my job...my new boss (soon to be boss when I change jobs in Aug) called today. She is so nice. She is going beyond the call of duty to help my job change go smoothly. I can't wait to work with her. Anyway I'm going to just keep everything between myself, my journal, and the ladies at ttc 7+ for now.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-08 19:45&& 
CD15-Peak
Just wanted to tell myself...we got pg once before, we CAN do it again! I wanted to say it out loud, but I also don't want to seem like I'm crazy.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-09 12:37&& 
cd16-peak
Well we bd again last night but skipped this morning. But you'd think I was bipolar if you saw me today. Today I'm completely down in the dumps about ttc. I feel like now we have two strikes against us. I can't seem to carry a baby, and dh sperm count might be low. I know I probably shouldn't just to conclusions, but all I can think about is how we are building a 3 bedroom house when we really will only need one. It also kills me to think there will be no Christmas' with kids...nobody to give us grandkids...nobody to take care of us when we are old. And to make it worst my family is very close. Everyone else has kids. I'm starting to cry now. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom. I don't know how to go on without kids. What's my purpose in life without kids?! It makes me not want to continue anything.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
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ParkerA
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-10 21:11&& 
CD17-high
Well bd hasn't been going too well. We bd twice on cd15-1st peak day. However cd16-2nd peak day-nothing. Today we tried twice. I just couldn't. Then dh gets turned off. I don't understand...last week I was ready all the time. This week I was ready of peak day 1, and that's it. These are the times I think maybe I shouldn't be so aware of when I o. Maybe I psych myself out! It drives me crazy. I'm trying not to give up hope for this month! It's hard though. I did drink a beer tonight with dinner though. When I started ttc last July I gave up all caffeine, alcohol, etc. It's getting to me now. I'm okay with not having caffeine, but I want alcohol in social situations. It drives me crazy not to drink socially with friends. They all think I'm pg when I don't drink. So as for now I'm going to drink again. Now my attitude changes daily when it comes to ttc so this could change. I REALLY hope this month I get pg! I guess I'm officially in the 2WW! Wish me luck!!!!!
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
My Chart
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ParkerA
Patron
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Joined: Jun 05, 2002
Posts: 221[img]/phpBB/images/posticon.gif[/img]Posted: 2002-07-11 19:47&& 
CD18-low
Well the 2WW is already getting to me. I either want to be pg, or know I'm not. It's the waiting and not knowing that is hard. Patience is not easy for me! I just need to keep saying...we conceived once we can do it again...we conceived once we can do it again...we conceived once we can do it again...we conceived once we can do it again. After that I'll worry about sustaining a pg! One step at a time. Baby steps too! I just need to make it through each hour, minute, second. I'm trying not to think long term anymore. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up. Why is it so hard not to get my hopes up!!!!! This drives me crazy!!!! It's like I don't have any self control. I do have good news about my new job. Everything is going (or at least seems like it's going to work out okay). Now I just need to give my notice at my current job. I always go back to if I was pg or had my 1st baby I wouldn't have to even be think about these things. I have to learn in the present not the future or past.
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Angel m/c 11/30/01
My Chart
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