Praying for a Blessing

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Cali26's picture
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Praying for a Blessing

I've read a few TTC journals, posted on a few different forums, and thought I may feel better writing my own journal, so here goes...

DH (31) & I (30) have been married 6 1/2 years. On DH's 30th we had "the life talk". In our 6 1/2 years of being married, we did the college thing, have awesome careers, and bought the perfect home. We are enjoying our time together but felt it was time to expand our family. So we took a year to "plan"...

A year and a half later, we've learned that we can't "plan" everything in our lives...sometimes they just have to happen because ultimately it's God's plan.

So, this past October we started our TTC journey. After a few months of being unsuccessful, I was told not to be concerned since it typically takes someone "my age" up to a year. Well, around the time we starting TTC, I started to experience abnormal bleeding in between cycles. I initially attributed this to stress. By January, it had gotten much worse. I made the call to my doctor and she got me in a few weeks later.

At my initial meeting with my primary care dr, she conducted many tests, blood work, pap, exam. She also referred me for a pelvic u/s and transvag. u/s. A few weeks later I recieved a phone call from her. She stated that I have a condition called Adenomyosis (huh?). She said it is a condition where the uterine lining grows into the uterine muscle. When asked how this may affect my fertility, she said that it may not make it possible for implantation to occur (ahhhhh!!!). To make me feel even better, she shared that in her 'X' number of years of practice she has never diagnosed this to anyone my age or to anyone who has never been pregnant (great!). Typically when diagnosed in older women, they are recommended to have a hysterectomy (yeah, right!!) She referred me to another OB/Gyn and to a fertility specialist.

A few weeks later, I met with the OB/Gyn. She made me feel MUCH better. She conducted an exam and reviewed my file and stated that she doesn't anticipate there being any problem with me getting pregnant despite having this condition and the symptoms associated with this condition. She said that she personally feels that more women have this condition; however, it goes undiagnosed (?). She recommended that I go see the infertility specialist as she shared that he may tell me whether or not there is another condition associated with the adenomyosis that would cause me to have problems with fertility.

So... a week later DH and I went to the fertility specialist. When we first walked into his office, he told DH and I that he didn't believe that I had this condition called Adenomyosis. He said that he reviews these diagnoses with caution. He then asked what they did to make me believe that I have this condition. I shared that they did an u/s - he wasn't aware of that so he left the room to review the results. He said that the results were not normal. I then shared with him the symptoms that I was experiencing, and he said that was not normal....

The RE ultimately recommended that I have a MRI to confirm Adenomyosis, and he recommends that I have an endometrial biopsy. He said he was shocked that my previous 2 dr's did not recommend that I have this bipsy to screen out cancer (!!!!!). He recommended that we re-do all the blood tests and that he re-do the u/s. In the meantime, he recommended that DH and I have the full fertility workup to be sure that we're not dealing with a fertility problem despite whatever else it is that I have... So, DH had a SA this past week and I go in for a HSG on Monday.

We will meet back with the dr in one month (given all the tests are completed) to hopefully figure out what is going on!?! DH asked RE what the worst case scenario would be for us... he said cancer and/or requiring a surrogate mother (ahhhhhhh!!!!) He then shared that depending on the test results he may consider me for a saline u/s, laproscopy, and histerscopy...In the meantime, he asked DH and I use protection and not TTC conceive this month so that they can assure that I am not pg when they do the biopsy.

This experience has made me feel SOOO depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, tired, frantic, and baby-crazed... We've only shared this info with a few family members and a few co-workers (out of necessity so that they know why we keep taking off).

We're trying to take things one step at a time right now... I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I'm asking God for patience right now...

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
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I've been on such an emotional roller coaster the past 24 hours. Yesterday afternoon I received the authorization letter for my MRI. I immediately called and got an appt which is a week from Monday. I was then able to call and schedule the biopsy and confirm my u/s and results appt.

I feel great that I have all my appointments scheduled and I am excited to be on the road to getting some answers, but at the same time I am SCARED to death! I am trying to prepare for possible "answers" that I do not want to hear!! How do you ever prepare for that?!? :?:

In the meantime, I'm trying to "manage" other things in my life that impacting my high stress level. This is obviously easier said than done.

I think I need to get out and do something relaxing today. After reading other posts, I guess I am lucky to live in a place where the sun is shining and it is expected to reach 85 today...maybe I'll go to the beach -- :sunny:

Cali26's picture
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Despite the beautiful weather, I was feeling down yesterday. Sad My sis then called and "made me" go shopping with her... that was exactly what I needed. :grin: Yesterday I learned that both of my sisters's are wanting to have children relatively soon. Because I can be honest with my sister, I said "I don't think I could handle you telling me you're pg this week, but next month, I will be extremely excited". She and her DH are not trying but she understood what I was saying. It's part of not knowing whether or not I can conceive... I'll hopefully have some of these answers within the next month after all my tests!!!

Tomorrow I go in for the HSG....everything I've read indicates that it is painful. :bluesad: I'm not looking forward to it -- although... my dr prescribed some pain meds to take before the HSG and biopsy and they are HUGE! I guess they're 600 mg.. I'm glad I don't have to go in to work tomorrow!

Cali26's picture
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So I woke up this morning, took a long shower, had breakfast, and swallowed the gigantic pain medication. DH then arrived home from work, picked me up, and drove me to my HSG appt.

When my name was called, I was asked to change in a dressing room and then they called me into the private room. They then said that they had not rec'd the authorization from my dr and I would either have to try to obtain it tomorrow and come back or I'd have to reschedule for next cycle!?! (b/c my insurance doesn't cover this test, my RE referred me out to an outpatient facility where the cost was 1/10th the price of the hospital) Fortunately, I showed the tech a paper my RE gave me with "HSG" written on it and they accepted this as authorization (huh? Oh well, I wasn't about to question that!)

So, they explained the procedure in detail and went ahead and started. There were two periods during the procedure where I had cramps from he**. They were awful, but they went away fast. I guess you feel cramps when they are blowing up the little balloon and when they are inserting the dye.

After the procedure, the dr said my right tube was great (excellent!) however, they couldn't open my left tube (AHHHHHH!!) The results from my initial u/s stated that my left ovary was dominant.... I don't understand what all of this means. :?

So I came home and decided to relax all day. I'm trying not to think about this too much b/c I really won't know anything until after all the tests have been completed. I have the MRI next Monday, the endo biopsy a week from Thursday and then the U/S the following week.

Ugh! Waiting is difficult.... I'm just praying that I am healthy and that I can someday successfully conceive a child... :bluesad:

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
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I love my DH... he is so wonderful.

Yesterday morning when I went to take my temp, I learned the battery was low. I went to the store that afternoon and bought a replacement batter. Later that night (10:15), my DH helped me out and changed the battery. Unfortunately, the thermometer broke (not DH's fault, just a cheap thermometer). We were both frustrated b/c we go back to the RE at the end of my cycle and he wants to review my temps!!!

DH then got in the car and drove to 3 different stores before finally finding a BBT thermometer! (He ended up at Wal Mart at 10:55 - they didn't want to let him in b/c they closed at 11 - but he convinced the lady to let him in) Smile

Cali26's picture
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I am so tired today...I have been having trouble sleeping since getting the first phone call from my primary care dr in January. It doesn't help that work has been stressful.

After coming home from work, I so wanted to take a nap. But instead I checked the mail and reviewed a letter I rec'd from my medical group. The letter states that my services with my RE were denied. In particular, they mentioned IVF is being denied -- I'm confused... IVF has not even been discussed as a treatment option. I'm not even sure I am able to conceive!!

So, tomorrow I have to call and verify what service is being denied. The services I am currently receiving from my RE are solely diagnostic at this point. I don't know why my insurance wouldn't cover it considering that I may have a medical condition that has not been confirmed! Ugh! This is added stress I don't want to deal with.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
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After talking to the medical group (they provided no help), I talked to the financial lady at the fertility office. She was very helpful and after some research, she told me that my diagnostic procedures will be covered (the biopsy, u/s...). After they determine what is going on with me is when I may have to worry about certain treatments not being covered by insurance. I'll worry about that when/if the time comes!

Cali26's picture
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When I had the HSG a week ago, I was put on antibiotics. This seems to have coincided with a *pause* in the symptoms (abnormal bleeding) I have been experiencing since September. I'm not holding my breath that this bleeding has stopped forever, but I am excited to have had a week without this symptom!!!

Cali26's picture
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Tomorrow I have the MRI to look at possible adenomyosis w/i my uterus.... I am anxious to get these results!! My endo biopsy is Thursday and then I get the u/s and results from the doctor the following Thursday. I can't wait...I want to proceed with treatment, if necessary.

On a side note, when I was dealing with the insurance issue, the insurance person in my RE's office was reading my chart. She said that the RE concurred with the notes from my previous dr's who diagnosed me with adenomyosis. She said this was good for the insurance billing (not yet fertility related)... however, as she was reading the chart she said that the RE is suspecting ovarian endometriosis ....I'm not sure I want to hear that I have that instead or either... I can't wait until I get these results!! :bigsad:

Cali26's picture
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Ok, so I just got home from the MRI -- what a weird experience. This wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as the HSG. I was laying on a table and was "backed into" a tube shaped device. They took images for about 15-20 minutes before pulling me out, injecting a dye through an IV in my arm and sending me back in for more images.

Three days until the biopsy and ten days until my u/s and results visit with the RE!!!!!

Cali26's picture
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This morning I had the endometrial biopsy and u/s and the RE met with DH & I.

First off, the RE did the u/s. Not so bad. He said that by looking at my uterus and not knowing any of my symptoms, he would think that my uterus was "normal". He did see one "suspect" area that looked fuzzy - he said that this may be in the beginning stages of a fibroid (12mm) - very small he said. He then looked at my ovaries. He said that it appears my right ovary ovulated this cycle.

Then he performed the biopsy - OUCH!!! He took 3 samples. Each time, it was extremely painful and uncomfortable (not as bad as the HSG if I were to compare, but still painful). Each time he did this my lower abdomen cramped up. He said he is feeling that I will get negative results from the biopsy (I hope so!!!!)

Cali26's picture
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After these tests were completed, I was able to get DH and the RE said he'd go over some of the results with me (even though we have our official "Result" visit next Thursday).

He said that DH's SA was EXCELLENT. He was very impressed with the count (3x normal) and all other areas he described as average and better than average (Yeah, for my DH!!!)

Then he went into my results...(I apologized to my DH since I feel like the BIGGEST loser for being SOO messed up!!). My CD 2 bloodwork showed everything "NORMAL", until he realized they didn't have my FSH count. The nurse had to track it down and they said that this was a 10.1 (normal is 6-7). He said that this could affect pregnancy and this could potentially be the cause for the abnormal bleeding (UGH!! Something else?!?)

He confirmed the results of the HSG - my left tube is closed, blocked, or just didn't want to open the day of the test. He said that my right tube is open and this test is only 75% accurate...

The MRI confirmed my diagnosis of Adenomyosis (I really thought it would come back negative..... I was wrong). He said that although this is confirmed, it still does not confirm whether or not that is the cause of my bleeding and whether or not this would cause infertility.

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The RE then assured me that b/c we are doing SOO many tests, we are bound to find something "abnormal". Whether or not it is the underlying cause of my symptoms or whether or not it may result in infertility is another issue.

My RE said that b/c he suspects my biopsy will come back as negative, he feels my symptoms are still a "mystery". He still suspects possible endometriosis (even though I don't have pain).

He asked how aggressive DH & I want to be in this process. He said that he recommends that I be scheduled for a lap and a hys...2 surgeries that would confirm suspected endometriosis....and/or polyps in the uterus that cannot be detected by the u/s, MRI. He scheduled me for these surgeries on March 16th.

DH & I aren't sure what we want to do. I feel SOOO overwhelmed right now. Do we want to see if the symptoms go away on their own? What is the primary purpose of these surgeries -- personal health or infertility?? Do we wait to see what happens?? Do we move forward so that we can either rule out something or identify yet another problem????

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

The RE said we could get another opinion if we wanted. I'm not ready to have ANOTHER dr.... this RE has proven so far to be knowledgeable, thorough, and compassionate...

UGH!! ((((((STRESS)))))))

Cali26's picture
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I'm feeling a dull pain right now from the biopsy. DH & I just picked up a quick lunch.. on top of this stress, my blood sugar was getting really low and I was starting to shake. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A MESS!!!

Cali26's picture
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Well tomorrow is my "official" results appointment. I feel a lot calmer than when I last met with the dr. I have a list of questions to ask ... especially since he wants to "be aggressive" and proceed with the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy next week!! DH and I will make our final decision tomorrow as to whether or not we will proceed with these procedures at this time -- big decisions. I'm currently feeling that if there is the possibility of having some resolution after the surgery, then this information presently outweighs the risks/ reservations I am feeling.

We'll see how things go tomorrow!!!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
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I had the f/u results appt this morning with the RE.

First he performed another transvag. u/s. Last week when he showed me my uterus, he said it looked "normal". This time he showed me my uterus and he said it was much larger (not necessarily "normal") - I was able to see the difference myself -- ugh!

DH & I then sat in his office as he shared the results. First, he said the pathology report from the biopsy was negative. I said "oh, good" and he said "yes, but no". Although, I'm sure this dr didn't want me to come back as having cancer, he appears as anxious as I am feeling about finding out exactly what is going on with me.

He then answered my list of a million questions and recommended that I proceed with the surgery next week. He said he will perform a laparascopy, hysteroscopy, and D & C. He said if he finds any endo, polyps, fibroids, etc.. he will remove them.

I asked about my left tube and he said that the corrective procedure to open it is only 18% successful. He said he will check again to verify that it is closed during next week's surgery -- if so, he said we still have a chance of being successful b/c my right tube is open.

Now for the negative news for the day --- the RE said as long as I'm bleeding, I won't be able to get pregnant. He said if we don't find anything at the surgery, we will not be able to confirm why I am bleeding and we may need to start fertility drugs to see if that will help regulate my bleeding/cycle. It sounds weird but the RE said that it would be good to find something (for the purpose of obtaining closure -- moving on to our next step)....

This is a CRAZY process!!!!

Cali26's picture
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I'm feeling more and more anxious about Friday's procedure. I am hoping that I am not out of commission for that long and I am SOO nervous about what the dr will or will not find! Regardless, I am feeling very anxious about the fertility part of this whole process. Although DH is right, I need to focus on making sure I am healthy first and then focus on the baby making!

((DEEP BREATH))

Praying for patience!

Cali26's picture
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Today was an "off day" -

I had to notify my work that I would be out a few days (I didn't like this b/c I know some people I had to tell like to gossip and although I tried to be vague - I still felt like I needed to say where I'd be...)

I also haven't been feeling great - have had some cramps and have been feeling "out of it".

When I came home, I got a voicemail reminder about Thurs. pre-op appt. They have me scheduled for 5 different appts?!? I guess I'll be at my dr's all afternoon.

I can't wait until Friday is over!!! I am so ready for some answers!

Cali26's picture
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I finally slept last night!! Yeah!! I've been stressing for so long that I think my body is tired of it all!

Anyways, I have my pre-op appts this afternoon. We'll see how they go... I can't wait to find out the results and I can't wait for this to be over...

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Well, I just got in from the pre-op appointments.

First, I met with the hospital nurse to complete my pre-op assessment. I gave her info @ my health and she gave me some info about tomorrow...

I also had to give blood (again) and met with a patient account representative (it looks like everything will be covered).

I then met with the doctor. They took my vitals, completed a pelvic exam (oh, fun) and then I was allowed to ask questions and get more info about tomorrow. The doc said that these procedures will not affect my cycle as they will not affect my ovaries. He said that some women have bleeding/cramping after these procedures and sometimes they experience heavy bleeding/cramping at the start of their next cycle. He also said that sometimes people have a lighter cycle.. it all varies. He also gave me a prescription for some pain meds - I just got those filled. He said tomorrow I may need to take a double dose -- it all depends on how I respond...

Lastly, he reviewed the results of the blood tests that I had last week. They tested for coagulated blood disorders. All came back negative except for one -- my phosphatidyl score was 12 and it is supposed to be less than 1.2!! He said most people don't test for this but b/c he is a fertility dr, he generally includes this on the blood panel. He said this blood test is run for women who have m/c. (I've never been pg let alone m/c). He said this may increase (slightly) my chances of m/c if I ever do become pg!! Ahhh!! He said before we rush to conclusions, we need to verify these results with a rheumatologist. He said these results won't affect anything I am doing tomorrow. So, next week I'll schedule an appt with a rheumatologist.

Well -- I'm looking forward to tomorrow being over! The dr asked what he thinks he'll find -- I said I'd love for there to be nothing wrong, but I'd love to get an explanation to find out what is going on with my body!! Keep me in your prayers... I'll try to post tomorrow if I'm coherent!

Cali26's picture
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Friday morning DH & I arrived at the hospital nice and early after a sleepless night. Upon arrival, the staff were nothing but compassionate and nice. We were quickly guided down to the pre op room to complete the check in process. B/c this went so fast, I was told that I could hang out for 45 minutes before changing. Fortunately DH brought his laptop so we played a game to keep our minds distracted.

After 45 minutes, I quickly changed and the next thing I know the anesthesiologist came by to see me. Just after the doc stopped by and said they were running ahead of schedule and they'd be getting me in really soon. The next thing I remember, the nurse came over and walked me into the OR. I was so scared. It was hard to part ways with my DH.

I sensed that the nurse knew I was scared. When I laid on the table, the anesthesiologist was there waiting and gave me something to relax. That is the last thing I remember.

I then woke up in recovery and I couldn't stop trembling! It was weird!! I looked down at my feet and they were shaking, my hands, arms, legs, everything was shaking! I called the nurse to help and she said I was having a reaction to the anesthetic. I heard her on the phone explaining to someone that she had a patient who has been trembling for 20 minutes and she needed some meds. Finally another dr approved the meds I needed to stop shaking.

The nurse then mentioned what the doc found. She said there was some endometriosis on my right ovary and he was not able to open my left tube.

I was then put in a wheelchair and waited for my DH. A little while later they released me to go home.

Cali26's picture
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On the way home, DH said the dr was really glad we went forward with the laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and D & C. Good news is they did not find any masses, no fibroids, no polyps. They did find some endometriosis growing (not a lot) and were able to remove it. Now for the weird news. He said that I have a "fluffy" uterus!?! He tried to describe to my DH that some women have wrinkly skin and some do not, well, I have a "fluffy" uterus. He said this may be why he couldn't get the dye through my left tube. Weird.

At this point, it is assumed that the "wrinkly" uterus may be a result of the adenomyosis as this condition is typically associated with a "boggy" uterus.

We go back for the post op visit on April 2nd. At this point, we will get the official results and the dr told DH that we could start talking about fertility.

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When I got home on Friday, I was feeling like CRAP :bluesad: I was pale, weak, and nauseated. I had a lot of help from my family, which was awesome. Yesterday, I was feeling a lot better. I had color back in my face and was no longer dizzy and light headed. I think I felt better b/c all the anesthetic was out of my system.

My abdomen is still aching. It is hard to lay down to sleep (b/c it stretches my muscles) and it is hard to move around quickly. The dr said I should avoid heavy movement for 2 weeks and he said I should start to feel better after 5 days. Good news is my throat is feeling better from the breathing tube, but b/c of the breathing tube, I have a fat lip!! Yuck!

We'll see how I feel tomorrow, I may go into work for a few hours.

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I tried to go in to work today. I woke up, feeling ok, so I got ready and left for work. The drive was difficult. I had been laying in the most comfortable position all weekend and now I had to drive a car... I must be crazy...when I showed up to work, one of my supervisors said she was very surprised to see me. She suggested I take my work home...I wasn't sure that was an option!! So around lunch time, my abdominal pain wasn't going away, in fact, it was getting worse. I decided it was time to head home. It feels so good sitting here with my legs stretched out. I brought some reports home to work on.. I may do this in the morning as well. I don't want to make things worse by rushing back to work.

This morning I did call the rheumatology department. They scheduled me for an appointment tomorrow at 1:40. Although I don't want to drive there, I am anxious about getting to go so soon as well as getting info from this specialist to take back with me to the RE on April 2nd. I hope he has good news to tell me!!

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GOOD news!! I saw a rheumatologist today and he said that I DO NOT have a blood clotting disorder!! Woo Hoo!! He said that all my panels were normal. He further investigated the high number noticed by my RE and he said that this number was a "subtype" and for the "subtype" anything under 25.0 is normal .. my number was 12.0. He said this number can vary day by day, but my score was within the normal range. For women who do have the high number, he said that it does increase the chance of blood clotting and miscarriages in the second and third trimester. But for me, he said this is not the case at this time.

Whew!! Finally some good news!!

So, I am still feeling some discomfort in my abdominal region. I felt great this morning with my medicine but driving and sitting at the dr's office for 1 1/2 hours (I couldn't believe how long I had to wait for a 10 minute appt!) irritated my abdomen... oh well, at least I am getting better every day.

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I've been feeling drained all week. Physically and emotionally... I'm looking forward to this weekend, I will be laying around the house!! Then there is only one more week until the kids are on spring break! I need this time away from work -- I think I'll be fine physically by then but I think I need an emotional break...

Cali26's picture
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I've been away from pg.org for a few days. Well, I've signed on to see if there was anything major going on, but haven't really posted. I've been swamped at work, trying to rest and take it easy, and trying to avoid what has been going on.

Last weekend, we found out a good friend is expecting number 2, later this week we found out that another good friend is ready to work on number 3. Ugh. I am truly happy for them and they do not know what DH and I are going through, but it is hard to listen to their joy and baby talk... I'm not ready for that.

I go back to the dr on Monday for the official results/ post op visit. I'm anxious to hear what the doc has to say and to find out what his proposed plan is for us, if he has a plan that is. We'll see.

I've been trying really really really hard to be positive. Sometimes I feel the way I talk to others at home, work, with friends, or typing posts on pg. org that I am pessimistic... I feel it's a sign of the depression that I've fallen in the past 2 months. Thankfully I have my dear DH...he continues to be my rock.

After hearing the news about friend #1 he just comforted me, and after hearing the news about friend #2, he started to say, Um..., Well..., Uh...., trying to find the right thing to say to me. I told him that I appreciate him trying to find words to help me but he didn't have to. He gave me a hug and that's when I realized he felt the same way I did after hearing this news.

Good news: the kids at work are on spring break! Woo Hoo!!

Cali26's picture
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I got back from the RE a little bit ago. After TTC for three months (since Oct, but were told to hold off during these tests), after multiple tests, and after my recent surgery here's what he had to say:

"Official" post operation results/ diagnosis:
1. Mild Endometriosis
2. Adenomyosis
3. Closed Left Tube
4. High FSH level

I had another u/s today and he said all is healing well.

Reason why I experience abnormal bleeding (almost daily -- except since the surgery):
The doc indicated it may be a combination of the above listed conditions (except the closed tube) but he's not convinced that we've identified the overall issue.

The RE said he is really interested in seeing the pattern of bleeding after this past surgery. Time will tell. He said sometimes the endo grows back w/i a month, w/i a year, and sometimes it doesn't grow back at all. Unfortunately, the adenomyosis will never go away, my tube can't be opened, and my FSH level may always be high or it may rise over time.

RE's recommended next step:
1. Take 100 mg of Clomid days 5-9 of my next cycle
2. Day 10 FSH test
3. IUI when I get a positive OPK

DH & I are thrilled that he didn't tell us that our only option is surrogacy or adoption; however, he is still not convinced that I can get pg. He said we may be able to get pg naturally, but he is concerned that I have too many factors running against me right now and he would like to proceed with treatment now.

He said after 3 cycles of IUI if I'm not pg, he would recommend IVF.

DH & I scheduled the baseline u/s and got the prescription for Clomid, but are still nervous about this process (and cost since I'm not sure what insurance covers). The RE said he would be upset if we didn't proceed with his recommended plan (he was kidding) and said if I were his daughter, this is what he would definitely recommend. The RE has never given us a reason to doubt him. He is fast (my first RE appt was 2-12-07), thorough, honest, and he has been accurate.

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Whew!!! What a week. And to think, I'm on spring break and should be relaxing...yeah right!

After the post op appt I've been pretty stressed ... I'm thankful that I have nothing "life threatening" going on, but I feel so uneasy about knowing whether or not I can become pg.

I had a few days this week where I was the most irritable person!!!!!!! I've never been that irritable before. DH, family, friends, strangers... if anyone did something, looked at me, didn't do something, I was just livid... fortunately that is over (I hope).

Today I picked up my prescription of Clomid - fortunately, insurance covered the generic brand (the nurse swears it is the same thing) .. so I was only out $10... not bad!!

I go in for my baseline u/s next week and a few days later will start the Clomid -- I'd love for everything to work out this cycle. I honestly don't know how we would handle ourselves both financially and emotionally if we have to do this multiple times.....

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Joined: 02/01/07
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Yesterday was great ~ I slept in, did some shopping, well, lots of shopping, did some cleaning, hung around the house, went out to dinner....and then I found out that yet another person is pg. This time it's a close family member. I don't know why I did but I burst into tears. DH did great trying to console me since he knows how sensitive I am to this right now and he tried to cheer me up by stating that our kid will have lots of cousins to play with....yeah, yeah, I know... but I told him that this is more of a reminder to me as to how screwed up my body really is... ugh! He's trying reallly hard to keep my positive... it's not working so well. Before when friends have shared they're pg, I can put my feelings aside b/c I know I may not see them but now w/ family, I know "baby" will be the talk of the town during holidays/ family gatherings, etc...

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Tuesday I had a routine dental cleaning. Fortunately I do not have any new cavities! Yeah! But my dentist wants to replace my silver fillings (4) with white fillings. I thought that was great so I scheduled an appt. When I came home I randomly did some online research and found that women who are TTC, pg, or bf should not replace their silver fillings due to possible exposure to mercury toxicity!! I wasn't sure if what I read was valid, but they recommended to hold off on TTC for 12-18 months (basically if you inhale mercury when they remove the old fillings, it may stay in your body for that long). I also read that the silver fillings may not be good either....lose lose I guess.

When I asked around (including a NP) no one could really tell me anything about this. My dentist office seems to think that if you're not pg, it's fine. -- I'll take care of this when I'm not TTC. I have enough "issues" -- why start something new at the risk of jeopardizing what I could have...

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Yesterday was my baseline IUI...I met the NP for the first time and she explained we do this to determine that there are no abnormalities before starting the meds. The NP found my left ovary right away and was very excited to see the sacs and explained that is where the eggs are!! I said that is great, now let's hope we find the same inside the right ovary since my left ovary is closed!!! She said, oh, ok, let's see.... She then had trouble finding my right ovary! (I know it's there!! That's where they just removed the endo). She wasn't as excited and said it seems my intestine was full and that was blocking the view Blush how embarassing!!! She then found it (I think) - she didn't say anything, but she printed of what I think was my right ovary.

She said all is good to start the Clomid and she gave me my protocol:
Saturday 4-14 start Clomid - 100 mg in the evening
Thursday 4-19 - CD 10 FSH bloodwork
Saturday 4-21 - CD 12 start OPK's
Monday 4-23 - mid-cycle u/s (she wants to confirm what is going on inside my right ovary)

I'm hoping that I continue to O on CD 15....if that's the case, then I will hopefully ***fingers crossed*** have my IUI by 4-25!!!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Yesterday was interesting ~ I hit my breaking point...yes, I am TRYING hard to be optimistic but yesterday I wasn't feeling it in my heart. I am feeling good about TTC now that I have a plan ~ but I am still feeling emotional from all the medical issues I've learned about as well as other stressors in my life... last night I couldn't stop crying - I was so depressed. Ugh!!

Tonight I took my first dose of Clomid. As I just mentioned, I have a good feeling about this cycle -- at least knowing that I will have a good chance to O in my right ovary and with the IUI, we'll see if the little swimmers catch that egg. I'm still scared about the whole implantation thing -- but I know that this is in God's hands. Also, I need to continue to re-focus my depressive feelings to God and keep the faith! -- Just before taking my Clomid I read all the s/e that have been reported by people who have taken this drug ~ pretty scary. I know that they list all things possible for liability purposes, but it is still scary to think about (also -- I think I think too much!!)

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

I've been feeling good all weekend. I started my OPK testing this weekend - so far I've gotten a really faint line and a dark line (but not darker than the reference line). I hope to get a positive OPK tomorrow or Tuesday and go in for the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday!!! I'm excited!!

Tomorrow I go in for my mid-cycle u/s. I am praying that the results from the sonogram are positive!!! Wink

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

I just got back from my mid-cycle u/s. Just before I arrived I was feeling super excited b/c I had detected my LH surge on an OPK!!

When I got there I told the nurse I detected my surge and she said I didn't need the U/S. I was suprised and feeling disappointed (I wanted to confirm that I will O from my right side!!). But, she was wrong! My RE came out and said since I was there, he wanted to confirm that the OPK was accurate and he wanted to check things out!

So, he said my right ovary has a 32 mm follicle and he also said something about 5 (I don't know what this was). My left ovary has a 17 mm follicle and he also said something about 4. He said he suspects that I will O from each side!! (But I'm praying for the right side since my left side is blocked!!).

He said he had some trouble checking out my endometrium b/c of my adenomyosis ---- that kinda brought me down---- for a short period of time, I forgot that I need to deal with "other stuff". Oh well.

Lastly, I got a shot of Ovidrel and I also got a prescription of Estradiol -- I think they said to take this one after the IUI -- I didn't write it down so I'll have to call to confirm.

Sooooo, my IUI is scheduled for Wednesday!!!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

I had my first IUI this morning. DH was with me and everyting worked out great. It was very easy, but just before, I was feeling a variety of emotions -- I felt somewhat weirded out and nervous, but overall felt so much excitement! DH provided 46 million "clean" swimmers Wink Tomorrow I start the Estradiol and will continue to take through through the first trimester if I become pg. The doc said that this helps to thicken the uterine lining (he thought I could use an extra "boost" in this area). He said that there have been some correlations b/w taking this drug and an increase pg rates. He said if we are unsuccessful this month, we may do Estradiol and Progesterone -- but for now, he wanted to do only one.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

It seems like forever since I posted --- although it's only been a week. I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm nervous about taking the Estradiol twice a day -- the label says not to take if you're pg! But I do trust my dr and if he says it's safe and will help me get pg, then I'll have faith that it is the right thing to do.

I'm starting to obsess over possible pg symptoms -- primarily heartburn, fatigue, and a pulling type of cramp -- but I know this could just be "normal" or a s/e from all the meds I've been on!! Too hard to tell.

My goal is to hold out until AF is due, if not the day after. I'm probably one of the few girls on this board who has never used a HPT since starting this TTC journey. I'm not big on disappointment. My dr said I can go in for a blood test next Wed or Thurs - depending on my temps/ af, maybe I'll hold out for that?? Hmmm.. we'll see.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

"Cali26" wrote:

I think I will totally freak out if I start bleeding again.

I woke up this morning and my temp dipped and my spotting returned. I completely and totally freaked out. I am feeling more depressed now more than ever. The problem I am having is knowing whether or not it is even possible for me to even get pg. I mean, am I just wasting time/ $$ with these fertility treatments when my RE has told me that "as long as you're bleeding, you'll never get pg"?? Also, no one has a clue about the effects of the adenomyosis and implantation .. during my 2 hour tearful pity party this morning, I began to think of all the reasons why I am not pg and why I never may become pg. That then led to me thinking about all the things I won't be able to experience by not being able to raise a child (selfish, I know), but then I think about my poor DH, all the things he can't have b/c his wife can't conceive. When I initially went to the RE, he said worst case scenario, "you may require a surrogate".... so of course, I'm thinking about this and adoption options....is it bad/selfish to think that I can't even consider these options at this point in time??? I don't know how much more positive I can be. Maybe if I knew there was a chance that I could get pg, I'd be a bit more optimistic. But for now, since I am bleeding AGAIN, I know it may never happen.

DH is great and he keeps reminding me that it's not my timeline, it's His......I'm trying hard to keep faith...

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Sunday night, DH and I went shopping (to make me feel better). We walked in a store and found this great picture....it says "FAITH MAKES THINGS POSSIBLE...NOT EASY"

I love this --- it provided me with a lot of encouragement. Needless to say, we bought it and hung it up in our room as a daily reminder.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Yesterday was CD 1 -- I had my baseline u/s scheduled for 5-15 (CD 7). I called to confirm that I will take Clomid CD 5-9 and the nurse said I needed to be seen to check that I don't have ovarian cysts prior to taking it for the second round of treatment. Luckily, they were able to squeeze me in tomorrow with the dr (NP is off) at noon. (Whew!)

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Yesterday I got the book 'Taking Charge of your Fertility'... I look forward to reading this and learning more about my body (which has been driving me crazy lately!!!!!)

Today we rec'd Pre Seed ... I'm looking forward to using this Wink and hoping it helps...

Also today, DH rec'd a baby magazine in the mail from a local hospital.... SO random!!! I initially thought it was for me as my name was likely on some pg or baby mailing list from a site online that I've been browsing. We were both in a good mood and got a good laugh out of it. It's just so funny how when ttc and when you are struggling, everything is about baby and everyone and their mother is pregnant. I mean geez, not only are people (friends, family) pregnant, but I see pregnant women at work, at the grocery store, on tv shows, in movie trailers, at weddings.... I know it's part of life, but it is so much more noticeable during this time!!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

I just got back from the dr's... I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I woke up this morning feeling sad again...feeling this will never happen for me and DH. I then went to my dr's appt at 12:00 .. the purpose was to confirm that I did not have residual cysts from the Clomid last cycle and to have a baseline u/s before starting my next round of treatment.

My RE said all looks good and he said something about 4 something follicles in each ovary and my lining was 3.5mm. I had b/w today to measure my FSH again and Estradiol levels.

Because of my failed first cycle and because of my medical issues, my RE wants to increase treatment -- he wants me to do the following:
CD 3-7 100 mg Clomid
CD 6, CD 8, CD 10 (and maybe more) - 100 IU of Follistim
CD 10 - u/s to review injectables, lining
CD 10 - Start taking Estrace and continue through first trimester if I become pg
F/U Mid Cycle U/S - likely on CD 14
Just before O - Ovidrel injection
Positive OPK - IUI
Day after IUI - Estrace and Prometrium

I think I got it all....
I had to take an "injection class" with the nurse ... I don't like the idea of having to inject myself with a needle...but I'll do whatever it takes!!
I then had to find a local pharmacy that would sell me the fertility meds - Unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover it -- I just paid over $500 ... We haven't paid for our first cycle yet and will be needing to gear up for payment of this upcoming cycle ($1200 each round). I'm not complaining about paying as I think it is well worth the $$...I'm just overwhelmed.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that Mother's Day would make me so sad.

We had a big party for all the "mom's" in the family...a time to celebrate and enjoy...I felt fake - I was depressed the entire time.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040


I'm currently on a Clomid/Injectable/IUI cycle. Today I had an u/s (CD 10) to measure my lining and to check out my follicles. Bad news is my lining is only 4.3mm (ideal is 9mm) so I am starting 4mg of Estrace 2x day. Good news is I have five follicles that are likely to be mature by the time I O. One is in my left ovary (I have a blocked left tube) and four are in my right. They are 15 1/2, 15, 15, 14, and 13.

B/c I have so many factors going against me, I thought, heck, five good sized follicles - that's got to be good! Right? WRONG! The NP told me that DH and I should proceed with treatment this cycle only if we're willing to consider "Selective Reduction".....I asked her to explain... she said that in her practice she highly advises to women who become pg with more than two follicles to consider "reducing" the number babies to 2 to reduce the risk of having a healthy pg and healthy babies. (Are you kidding me??) She went on to explain that she's seen six couples in seven years have to do this. My eyes started to tear up as she told me the stories of these women.

I called DH so frustrated. I think we will proceed with treatment this cycle (I mean, geez, I already have so many factors going against me, I feel lucky if I can catch at least 1 egg, let alone 4!). I think what we have to say is "sure, we'd consider it", knowing in our hearts that we really wouldn't. She said this is something that they can't obviously force.

So, if we proceed, I have to continue with the injections, start Estrace and start Progesterone after next Tuesday's IUI.

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Treatment plan for May 2007 cycle:

Clomid - CD 3-7
Follistim - CD 6, 8, 10
Ovidrel - CD 12
Estrace - 4 mg 2x day starting CD 10
IUI - CD 14
Progesterone - 2x day starting evening CD 15

Pg test June 5th
Baseline U/S June 5th

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Well, I've officially given myself a shot 4 times. 3 of the 4 were very easy - unfortunately the 4th one didn't want to poke through my skin (ouch!).

Yesterday I had mild cramping and my NP said that was a good sign!!! We are hoping I O'd today -- good thing b/c I had my second IUI this morning. DH was great - last time we had 46 million sperm and this time I told him jokingly "I expect to see at least a 10% increase". Well, he outdid himself as the NP was impressed and told us we had 80 million! Woo Hoo!

Unfortunately now I am in a lot of pain. My mild cramping turned into a horrible pain on my right side. This happened a few hours after my IUI. I'm not sure what is causing it and it is really stressing me out (I know, not good). If it doesn't go away, I will call the dr in the morning. Ugh!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

This has been an interesting 2 week wait!! I can't distinguish between possible symptoms and side effects from the Prometrium!!!

Let's see, I've had mild nausea, bloating, CRAMPING, heartburn....

I've POAS 2x -- unsure if HCG is in my system from the Ovidrel -- I'll know soon enough since my BPT is tomorrow!!!

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

For those of you that don't know my story, here is a semi-shortened version:

October 2006 - DH and I TTC #1
January 2007 - I visit my PCP due to abnormal bleeding problems. I'm diagnosed with adenomyosis and told it may not be likely for me to conceive. I'm then referred to two specialists.
February 2007 - I visit a RE who tells me I may require a surrogate if I ever want a biological child. I'm diagnosed with borderline high FSH and a blocked fallopian tube.
March 2007 - I have a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and D&C. I'm diagnosed with endometriosis.
April 2007 - I start my first round of fertility treatments - 100 mg Clomid/IUI
May 2007 - I start my second round of fertility treatments - 100 mg Clomid/ Follistim/ Ovidrel/ IUI/ Estrace/ Prometrium

Now, here's the good part.... I've had s/e from the meds and my temps have been high b/c of the meds ... or so I thought. On 12 DPO I had a slight dip in my temps and I started to feel depressed. DH was trying hard to lift my spirits - I decided to take a HPT to prove to him that I was right (and not pg) - (ok, so I like to be right Smile ). I POAS and left it in the restroom for him to check out (I was too scared to look). After a few minutes, DH runs out of the restroom dancing around in his boxers and he ran over and gave me a kiss -- it was a BFP!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it so when my temp stayed high on 13 DPO, I took another test. BFP. I then convinced myself that I still had HCG in my system from my trigger shot. So, today, 14 DPO, I took another HPT and got a BFP right away. I went to the RE today and had a BPT - just got off the phone - she said it's DEFINITELY POSITIVE!!!! My HCG level is 214. I go back on Thursday for my second HCG and my first sono is June 22nd.

I can't believe I am writing this -- but PLEASE pray for me that everything is where it is supposed to be and everything stays healthy and stays where it is supposed to Wink

12 DPO (Sunday)

13 DPO (Monday)

14 DPO (Tuesday)

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
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14 DPO BhCG - 214
16 DPO BhCG - 284

My doc's office said that this was not the number they wanted to see. They said like to see the # double every 48 hours (it was 43 hours b/w tests). Everything I've read said it may take 72 hours to double -- I'm praying that this is the case for me. My doc's office wanted to give me a string of hope and suggested that maybe initially I had 2 babies and maybe only 1 survived??

I go back in Saturday morning for my third BhCG. I pray that everything is healthy. I may not know these results until Monday Sad Until then...positive thoughts and as my DH keeps telling me.... "be happy and enjoy -- as of this minute you are pregnant!"

For now, I will stay positive but now I'm also overanalyzing any and everything my body is doing!!!!

Ok, gotta go to work now -

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

Well I went in to the lab this morning - fortunately DH was sweet enough to drive down yesterday to pick up my lab slip (one less thing to worry about).
The lab tech who drew my blood was really nice - he said "so you want to know right away?" - meaning if I'm pg. I said, "no, I need to know that my #'s are rising that they should be!". I could tell he sensed I was scared b/c as I was leaving he said "hey, it's all going to be good".

I will call in a few minutes and I am keeping my fingers crossed that someone is available to tell me the #'s - if not, I have to wait until Monday morning......I'd rather know now - either way!!

In the meantime I keep thinking of last weekend - seeing those beautiful lines, going to the dr and talking on a three way line so DH could hear when we were told we're definitely pregnant, and DH coming home and suprising me with a cute maternity shirt and my favorite pizza and breadsticks. I hope to continue with these positive memories......

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

The news isn't good. I was thankful a nurse answered; however, I knew they had bad news when they put me on hold and the dr picked up. He said "uh, yeah, I'm looking at your numbers and they're not going up like we like to see" (I'm thinking well are they at least going up??) and he continues with "the first test was 214, the second was 284, and today it was 195". I said "it didn't make it?". He said "no, but 20% of all pg end in miscarriage (and of course I'm now in that 20%!!!)". He was pleased that I proved to be able to get pg, but he said my embryo just stopped growing -- he hopes that I miscarry on my own, if not I will require a D & C. For now, I need to stop my meds and let nature take its course (he said expect heavy flow and pain). I will continue to go in on June 22nd (was supposed to be my first sono appt). He said he hopes my body gets back on track within the next month or two so I can start this process all over again.

I'm heartbroken and devastated. I can't stop crying. I don't know why I can't be "normal". I don't know if I can go through this again.

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