Praying for a Blessing

I've read a few TTC journals, posted on a few different forums, and thought I may feel better writing my own journal, so here goes...

DH (31) & I (30) have been married 6 1/2 years. On DH's 30th we had "the life talk". In our 6 1/2 years of being married, we did the college thing, have awesome careers, and bought the perfect home. We are enjoying our time together but felt it was time to expand our family. So we took a year to "plan"...

A year and a half later, we've learned that we can't "plan" everything in our lives...sometimes they just have to happen because ultimately it's God's plan.

So, this past October we started our TTC journey. After a few months of being unsuccessful, I was told not to be concerned since it typically takes someone "my age" up to a year. Well, around the time we starting TTC, I started to experience abnormal bleeding in between cycles. I initially attributed this to stress. By January, it had gotten much worse. I made the call to my doctor and she got me in a few weeks later.

At my initial meeting with my primary care dr, she conducted many tests, blood work, pap, exam. She also referred me for a pelvic u/s and transvag. u/s. A few weeks later I recieved a phone call from her. She stated that I have a condition called Adenomyosis (huh?). She said it is a condition where the uterine lining grows into the uterine muscle. When asked how this may affect my fertility, she said that it may not make it possible for implantation to occur (ahhhhh!!!). To make me feel even better, she shared that in her 'X' number of years of practice she has never diagnosed this to anyone my age or to anyone who has never been pregnant (great!). Typically when diagnosed in older women, they are recommended to have a hysterectomy (yeah, right!!) She referred me to another OB/Gyn and to a fertility specialist.

A few weeks later, I met with the OB/Gyn. She made me feel MUCH better. She conducted an exam and reviewed my file and stated that she doesn't anticipate there being any problem with me getting pregnant despite having this condition and the symptoms associated with this condition. She said that she personally feels that more women have this condition; however, it goes undiagnosed (?). She recommended that I go see the infertility specialist as she shared that he may tell me whether or not there is another condition associated with the adenomyosis that would cause me to have problems with fertility.

So... a week later DH and I went to the fertility specialist. When we first walked into his office, he told DH and I that he didn't believe that I had this condition called Adenomyosis. He said that he reviews these diagnoses with caution. He then asked what they did to make me believe that I have this condition. I shared that they did an u/s - he wasn't aware of that so he left the room to review the results. He said that the results were not normal. I then shared with him the symptoms that I was experiencing, and he said that was not normal....

The RE ultimately recommended that I have a MRI to confirm Adenomyosis, and he recommends that I have an endometrial biopsy. He said he was shocked that my previous 2 dr's did not recommend that I have this bipsy to screen out cancer (!!!!!). He recommended that we re-do all the blood tests and that he re-do the u/s. In the meantime, he recommended that DH and I have the full fertility workup to be sure that we're not dealing with a fertility problem despite whatever else it is that I have... So, DH had a SA this past week and I go in for a HSG on Monday.

We will meet back with the dr in one month (given all the tests are completed) to hopefully figure out what is going on!?! DH asked RE what the worst case scenario would be for us... he said cancer and/or requiring a surrogate mother (ahhhhhhh!!!!) He then shared that depending on the test results he may consider me for a saline u/s, laproscopy, and histerscopy...In the meantime, he asked DH and I use protection and not TTC conceive this month so that they can assure that I am not pg when they do the biopsy.

This experience has made me feel SOOO depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, tired, frantic, and baby-crazed... We've only shared this info with a few family members and a few co-workers (out of necessity so that they know why we keep taking off).

We're trying to take things one step at a time right now... I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I'm asking God for patience right now...

I've been on such an emotional roller coaster the past 24 hours. Yesterday afternoon I received the authorization letter for my MRI. I immediately called and got an appt which is a week from Monday. I was then able to call and schedule the biopsy and confirm my u/s and results appt.

I feel great that I have all my appointments scheduled and I am excited to be on the road to getting some answers, but at the same time I am SCARED to death! I am trying to prepare for possible "answers" that I do not want to hear!! How do you ever prepare for that?!? :?:

In the meantime, I'm trying to "manage" other things in my life that impacting my high stress level. This is obviously easier said than done.

I think I need to get out and do something relaxing today. After reading other posts, I guess I am lucky to live in a place where the sun is shining and it is expected to reach 85 today...maybe I'll go to the beach -- :sunny:

Despite the beautiful weather, I was feeling down yesterday. :sad: My sis then called and "made me" go shopping with her... that was exactly what I needed. :grin: Yesterday I learned that both of my sisters's are wanting to have children relatively soon. Because I can be honest with my sister, I said "I don't think I could handle you telling me you're pg this week, but next month, I will be extremely excited". She and her DH are not trying but she understood what I was saying. It's part of not knowing whether or not I can conceive... I'll hopefully have some of these answers within the next month after all my tests!!!

Tomorrow I go in for the HSG....everything I've read indicates that it is painful. :bluesad: I'm not looking forward to it -- although... my dr prescribed some pain meds to take before the HSG and biopsy and they are HUGE! I guess they're 600 mg.. I'm glad I don't have to go in to work tomorrow!

So I woke up this morning, took a long shower, had breakfast, and swallowed the gigantic pain medication. DH then arrived home from work, picked me up, and drove me to my HSG appt.

When my name was called, I was asked to change in a dressing room and then they called me into the private room. They then said that they had not rec'd the authorization from my dr and I would either have to try to obtain it tomorrow and come back or I'd have to reschedule for next cycle!?! (b/c my insurance doesn't cover this test, my RE referred me out to an outpatient facility where the cost was 1/10th the price of the hospital) Fortunately, I showed the tech a paper my RE gave me with "HSG" written on it and they accepted this as authorization (huh? Oh well, I wasn't about to question that!)

So, they explained the procedure in detail and went ahead and started. There were two periods during the procedure where I had cramps from he**. They were awful, but they went away fast. I guess you feel cramps when they are blowing up the little balloon and when they are inserting the dye.

After the procedure, the dr said my right tube was great (excellent!) however, they couldn't open my left tube (AHHHHHH!!) The results from my initial u/s stated that my left ovary was dominant.... I don't understand what all of this means. :?

So I came home and decided to relax all day. I'm trying not to think about this too much b/c I really won't know anything until after all the tests have been completed. I have the MRI next Monday, the endo biopsy a week from Thursday and then the U/S the following week.

Ugh! Waiting is difficult.... I'm just praying that I am healthy and that I can someday successfully conceive a child... :bluesad:

I love my DH... he is so wonderful.

Yesterday morning when I went to take my temp, I learned the battery was low. I went to the store that afternoon and bought a replacement batter. Later that night (10:15), my DH helped me out and changed the battery. Unfortunately, the thermometer broke (not DH's fault, just a cheap thermometer). We were both frustrated b/c we go back to the RE at the end of my cycle and he wants to review my temps!!!

DH then got in the car and drove to 3 different stores before finally finding a BBT thermometer! (He ended up at Wal Mart at 10:55 - they didn't want to let him in b/c they closed at 11 - but he convinced the lady to let him in) :)

I am so tired today...I have been having trouble sleeping since getting the first phone call from my primary care dr in January. It doesn't help that work has been stressful.

After coming home from work, I so wanted to take a nap. But instead I checked the mail and reviewed a letter I rec'd from my medical group. The letter states that my services with my RE were denied. In particular, they mentioned IVF is being denied -- I'm confused... IVF has not even been discussed as a treatment option. I'm not even sure I am able to conceive!!

So, tomorrow I have to call and verify what service is being denied. The services I am currently receiving from my RE are solely diagnostic at this point. I don't know why my insurance wouldn't cover it considering that I may have a medical condition that has not been confirmed! Ugh! This is added stress I don't want to deal with.

After talking to the medical group (they provided no help), I talked to the financial lady at the fertility office. She was very helpful and after some research, she told me that my diagnostic procedures will be covered (the biopsy, u/s...). After they determine what is going on with me is when I may have to worry about certain treatments not being covered by insurance. I'll worry about that when/if the time comes!

When I had the HSG a week ago, I was put on antibiotics. This seems to have coincided with a *pause* in the symptoms (abnormal bleeding) I have been experiencing since September. I'm not holding my breath that this bleeding has stopped forever, but I am excited to have had a week without this symptom!!!

Tomorrow I have the MRI to look at possible adenomyosis w/i my uterus.... I am anxious to get these results!! My endo biopsy is Thursday and then I get the u/s and results from the doctor the following Thursday. I can't wait...I want to proceed with treatment, if necessary.

On a side note, when I was dealing with the insurance issue, the insurance person in my RE's office was reading my chart. She said that the RE concurred with the notes from my previous dr's who diagnosed me with adenomyosis. She said this was good for the insurance billing (not yet fertility related)... however, as she was reading the chart she said that the RE is suspecting ovarian endometriosis ....I'm not sure I want to hear that I have that instead or either... I can't wait until I get these results!! :bigsad:

Ok, so I just got home from the MRI -- what a weird experience. This wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as the HSG. I was laying on a table and was "backed into" a tube shaped device. They took images for about 15-20 minutes before pulling me out, injecting a dye through an IV in my arm and sending me back in for more images.

Three days until the biopsy and ten days until my u/s and results visit with the RE!!!!!