I took a BPT this morning and was too scared to call for the results (I didn't want to hear that it was a BFN).
I go in tomorrow for my baseline u/s --- I'm praying for no cysts so that I can start my meds for IVF!!! I'm ready to get this process started and ready to get one step closer to my BFP!!!!!! I pray that this is it!!!!
I had my baseline u/s this morning ~ good news/bad news.
Bad news, I'm not pg (surprise, surprise!)
Good news, I have NO cysts and I can start meds for IVF!!!!!!
Here's my protocol so far:
Now - 9-17 - Continue taking Estrace & Prometrium
9-13 - Start Syneral in the am and pm
9-20 - Mock ET
9-21 - Continue Syneral in the am and pm, Start 225 IU of Follistim in pm
9-24 - Blood Test
9-26 - 9-29 - u/s monitoring
10-2 - 10-6 - Estimated ER
10-5 - 10-9 - Estimated ET
I picked up my meds this morning as well. I hope this is it for me!!!!!
I started Syneral today ~ it's a nasal spray. I spray one time in the am and pm. It's a lot easier to use than the injections; however, I feel concerned that I may not be getting my full dose (due to user error).... I think I'm just being paranoid b/c I don't want to screw this up!!!!
So I signed off pg.org and decided to check my email - sure enough there it was. An email that another friend is pregnant. With # 2. I feel so heartbroken and the tears won't stop... I think this hurts even worse because she's due close to the time I would have been due had I been able to sustain my pregnancy. I'm feeling so horrible right now.
Lately, I've been at the obvious stage of not wanting to hear about pregnancies, see pregnant women, or hold little newborns. I don't know how to say this, and you may think I am very strange, but lately I've been feeling that when I DO become pregnant I will feel blessed, will jump for joy, and will be overly ecstatic. What may sound strange is that when I DO become pregnant I don't want to send out these "I'm pregnant" emails, etc...I will be scared to share this news being scared of experiencing another loss and I don't want to upset anyone that I may not know is suffering from infertility, etc, etc... I want the focus to be on DH, me, and baby.....I don't know....maybe I'm feeling like I need to shut everyone out right now in order to protect myself....
Back from the RE and feeling good!!!!! I woke up this morning to some spotting, but the dr said that was ok and could be expected.
I had a mock embryo transfer this morning. When I arrived the nurse asked if I had a full bladder (I had just used the restroom!!!). I shared that I didn't know that I was supposed to have a full bladder (I read all the paperwork, it's not in there!). They said it was ok and they would proceed anyways (phew!). The nurse conducted a pelvic u/s on me as the RE inserted two catheters at two different times. He was telling the nurse some measurement (5 lines?) and said all was good. When the catheter was placed in my uterus, I felt slightly uncomfortable (kinda like my biopsy, but no so painful). I think it felt this way b/c I was crampy to begin with...
The RE asked if I had any other questions. I learned that they do not do PGD (genetic testing) as he shared that it's not recommended for my case, the accuracy of the results are not that great, and there is no data to support increased pregnancy rates. I trust his recommendation and pray that all is healthy!!
I also learned that DH will be able to bring his "boys" to the lab the morning of the egg retrieval. I think he's been somewhat worried about maybe having to do it at the clinic.
I asked about my recent weight gain (I'm regularly 110.5 lbs but yesterday woke up to 114.5!! Oh my!). The nurse said it is very possible and likely that the weight gain was from the meds.
Before I left, I had to make my payment.....$9900, plus $400 for the anesthesia. The financial coordinator shared that I was getting a "deal". I was grandfathered in under the old price (the price recently went up to 10,800). Also, by paying the clinic, I avoid paying 7500 for the OR and 4000 for the anesthesia! Regardless, this money will be WELL spent when I get that BFP in a few weeks!!!!
So... Monday morning I need to wake up really early (it will be hard since I'm going to a concert Sunday night!!) for bloodwork. I then have to be available by phone at 2:30 so that they can give me the results. I then start my u/s monitoring on Wednesday.
Listen up ovaries....I need you to start producing!!!! C'mon follies....grow, grow, grow........ (can you tell I'm excited???? hehe )
Just as I finally let myself get excited and I start to actually feel HAPPY, DH gets the phone call. His sister who is almost 10 years younger is 7 weeks pregnant. She told him this was not planned. I burst into tears. Now I get to hear more of the "I thought you were going to be first" comments, now I will be expected to throw a baby shower, now I will be again surrounded by baby talk, baby gifts, pregnancy talk. I want this all to go away. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to handle this.
As I was crying, I told DH I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just feeling terribly angry. I can't help it. I also told him with the holidays around the corner, pregnant or not, I do not want to spend time with the family. I think I'd like to go away somewhere. I can't be around all the "joys of pregnancies" during these family times. Sounds selfish, I know. But my mind is set on focusing on me. I'm trying really really hard.
I told DH that even when I do become pg, I do not want to tell anyone. I guess I am feeling that people will not understand what it took to get where I hope to be. I feel unless you've been surrounded by infertility or have personal experiences with infertility you won't truly understand how much I will appreciate having a baby of my own.
I'm still in shock over SIL's unexpected pregnancy. DH has been great. I know he will do what he can to protect me....us....from baby talk, etc...
As far as the IVF process is going...
I started stims Friday night - 225 IU and I am continuing Syarel. I took it last night and last night it was the first time I had to take it with me! We were at a restaurant with my family, DH and I had to sneak out to the car! It worked out fine. I have to take it again with me tonight to the concert and tomorrow we will be celebrating my sister's bday so I'll have to travel with it again.
I go in tomorrow morning for my b/w. Around 2:30, they will call me to tell me whether or not to increase/decrease my dose. ***Fingers Crossed***
Sigh. I went in for b/w yesterday morning at 7:30. I was supposed to receive a call with the results at 2:30. I didn't hear from them so I called in at 3:15. They said they were still waiting for the labs and they hadn't forgotten about me.
Well, I never got a call. DH and I proceeded with our normal dose. If I don't hear from them today, I will see them tomorrow for my first scan!! I really am hoping that they see some good follicles (and that there are a lot!!). ***Fingers Crossed***
The shots haven't been bad at all. The shot at the concert wasn't too bad. Kinda hard to do in a small area while standing, but it worked. Last night, DH and I were able to do the shot in the car. Fortunately, I anticipate being at home the rest of the week in the evening....thank goodness because I'm tired!!!
I had my first scan today.
I've finally calmed down (for the most part).
Here's the breakdown:
Monday's Estradiol - 118 (they want it b/w 50-200)
Today's lining - 3.2 (we may start estrace early - depends on Friday's scan)
Follicles - after 2 different scans on 2 different machines with the NP and with the RE, they found that I have only 2 follicles on the left side (12, 11) and 3 on the right (16, 12, 8..)
My RE said that the average person produces 10-12 follicles on each side, and of those follicles, maybe 9 eggs are retrieved from each side, maybe 5 are good quality, and only a few fertilize. He didn't make me feel so hopeful for this cycle. He wasn't being rude, just honest. My body sucks.
The NP tried to change the subject. After telling me that everyone varies, she told me how she had a patient with 39 follicles and she said that this wasn't good as opposed to have a few good ones.
My goal: Stay Positive. Stay Focused. Pray, Pray, Pray. I need to believe that this can work this cycle!!
My Post on the IVF board from yesterday:
I had my second u/s this morning ~ I wasn't expecting this:
I went to have my estradiol levels checked then I arrived for my u/s. The NP wasn't saying anything as she was measuring the follicles. I told her I felt some things last night and I was hoping that was good news. She didn't say anything.
Finally, she said that I have 2 measurable follies on my left side (both at 14) - this is what they found 2 days ago, but on my right, I now only have 1 (also measuring 14). WTF!?!? I asked if the other 2 dissipated? She said she couldn't give me an answer. She wonders if she measured blood vessels that looked the follicles, but she didn't have a clue.
She said the minimum follicles required for IVF is 3, so we could proceed; however, she doesn't recommend it. She recommends that we proceed instead with another IUI and then start the next IVF cycle with a more aggressive attitude ~ of course she said "If you're not pg" - I told her not to worry, I wasn't that lucky. Oh, and, really I only have 1 follicle, the 2 on my left don't count (IMO) b/c I have a blocked left tube. Great.
She is going to run this all by the RE when he gets in this morning, but it looks like I will have my IUI on Tuesday and then I will look forward to my baseline u/s on October 16. At this time, they want to start me on the hormones, Synarel, 450 IU of Follistim, and this time they want to add Menopur. They said they will call me later after consulting with the RE, but I'm not holding my breath...they don't usually call.
Sorry for being such a downer. I really hate my body right now. It is really hard to focus and really hard to be positive. I mean, how the heck can I believe that I can ever get pg when I'm told that my body won't cooperate with one of the most aggressive forms of treatment. I'm going nuts.
Oh and I have a baby shower this weekend (not going!), SIL is pg and my in law's are already planning holiday parties (not wanting to go to those either).