The news isn't good. I was thankful a nurse answered; however, I knew they had bad news when they put me on hold and the dr picked up. He said "uh, yeah, I'm looking at your numbers and they're not going up like we like to see" (I'm thinking well are they at least going up??) and he continues with "the first test was 214, the second was 284, and today it was 195". I said "it didn't make it?". He said "no, but 20% of all pg end in miscarriage (and of course I'm now in that 20%!!!)". He was pleased that I proved to be able to get pg, but he said my embryo just stopped growing -- he hopes that I miscarry on my own, if not I will require a D & C. For now, I need to stop my meds and let nature take its course (he said expect heavy flow and pain). I will continue to go in on June 22nd (was supposed to be my first sono appt). He said he hopes my body gets back on track within the next month or two so I can start this process all over again.
I'm heartbroken and devastated. I can't stop crying. I don't know why I can't be "normal". I don't know if I can go through this again.
What a crappy week. I can hardly function. I am so heartbroken -- how do you cope with beating the odds and knowing that you actually conceived only to turn around and learn that you lost the baby so suddenly.
I am so thankful and feel God answered my prayers to let me know that yes, I can get pg ~ only this baby was not ready to join the world.... I am praying and longing that I can again get pg my next cycle TTC.
In the meantime, I am having trouble working (I work at 2 elementary schools). I see these little kids running around and am constantly reminded of what I lost. I am cranky with everyone b/c I feel their complaints and minimial in comparison (selfish I know). I am finding it hard to smile and would prefer to lay in bed, put the covers over my head, and cry....
I am worried about whether or not the m/c will occur naturally. I stopped taking progesterone on Saturday and hope I m/c on my own soon. I am seeking closure and feel that once I can start up a new cycle, I will have new hope. Right now I am grieving and feel I will be doing this for awhile.
Thankfully, DH is my rock. He is awesome and I can't describe how much I love him. He was as devastated as I was and to see him cry, broke my heart. I have to say I love pg.org as a support group b/c Saturday, I fell asleep and woke up to see DH browsing threads related to m/c. It helped both of us.
My family has been great too. I hate to see them so sad, but am thankful that they are so supportive and loving. I don't know what I would do without them.
For now, it's just waiting and praying ~~ waiting to move forward and praying that I will heal quickly and praying that I can get a second miracle.
I forgot to mention - on Sunday, DH took me shopping for a bracelet ~ since our baby's EDD was February 14th, he bought me a bracelet with amethyst (Feb birthstone) heart shaped stones. We had to order it. When it comes in, I'll post a picture. I thought this was an awesome way to never forget our little one who we had for 4 weeks and 3 days.
Well I started spotting. I have mixed emotions about this -- I am sad to have lost my baby but am anxious for this m/c to end as I am desperately seeking closure. DH and I are anxious jump back on the TTC wagon -- btw - I need to again say how wonderful my DH is. He is the best!
Yesterday I started cramping and bleeding heavily. It was a day of mixed emotions ~ Thursday was the first day all week I didn't cry, but yesterday I started to cry all over again. I'm thankful that the m/c is happening naturally and I hope this will help DH and I find some peace. I've had some cramping and discomfort, but Advil has helped with the physical pain. Emotionally, I'm still heartbroken. Everytime I hear the song "Keep holding on" I cry, everytime I hear about friends or strangers kids I cry, and this morning DH shared that while driving around town he saw a little boy in the car next to him - the little boy was trying to get DH's attention as he was smiling and waving a toy and him - DH said this hit him hard.
In God's time....
I am so angry and I can't help it! For the past few days, I've been highly irritable and every little thing is making me so angry. Finally yesterday, I was angry b/c we invited my family over last minute to celebrate Father's Day - well, I then got angry b/c my house wasn't as clean as I wanted it to be, and then I got angry...well, you get the picture. When my dad tried to offer help with the house and when he told me it wasn't a big deal and not worth getting angry over, I shouted at him, you know it's not about the house, right? Everyone was supportive, but I was still so angry.
Last night DH and I had a good talk and I told him that I was not ready to help deal with other people's problems right now - I told him I need to focus on me and us and getting through this together. I told him I was sad b/c I didn't feel my family understands what I am feeling. DH said they don't and they will likely never truly understand.
I am usually very happy and can't stand feeling this angry .... at everything!
BTW - IMO, this started on Friday as that was the day I started to naturally m/c. I had bleeding through Saturday and yesterday I only had some spotting. I'm hoping it is over and Friday I'm hoping to get the go ahead to TTC for my next cycle.
I had my f/u appt this morning ~ I was somewhat frustrated. The receptionist didn't have my name down for an appt! She said I'd need to wait and see if they can get me in. While waiting, the NP walked by me, smiling, asking how I was feeling. I thought that was strange as I stated "ok".
I was then greeted by the nurse and NP who told me they were so sorry....they hadn't realized I had m/c. They were very caring and sweet after that.
So I was called in for an u/s. DH came with - which was great. The NP said everything looked good. It looks like my lining was all shed and I O'd from my right side. She said something about a small corpus luetum cyst, but it was normal and nothing to worry about.
The NP said that 18-20% of all pregnancies end in m/c. She said that there is only a small chance that this will reoccur. She said for this reason, she and the dr weren't wanting to do a full work up of tests to find out what happened.
The NP shared that when AF arrives, we will mimic the treatment plan from May. She said that we had to use protection this cycle to allow time for my uterus and ovaries to heal. I think this is good news! Now, I'm hoping, wishing, praying for an April baby
As I was leaving, the NP told me that it didn't hurt to run "some" tests. She shared that I've already had two CD 3 day blood tests and they revealed FSH 10.1 and Estradiol 10 and my second CD 3 b/w was FSH 6.5 and Estradiol 74!! I had a CD 10 FSH level of 4.4 a few months ago. She said she wants to re-test both levels on my next CD 2 or 3 since I've now had a "borderline high" FSH and Estradiol. Ugh!
She also suggested that DH and I have some more b/w today. I had to give 12 vials of blood!! I have a nice big bruise on my arm right now Today they ran another bhcg test, some antibody tests, thyroid tests, and a bunch of chromosomal tests. DH had to take a chromosomal test. These results won't be in for 3 weeks.
Now, it's just waiting, healing, relaxing..... I have my baseline u/s appt on July 13th. I'll wait for the results at that time and hope that my ovaries look good so that I can start my next cycle of treatment (well.... I am assuming AF arrives at that time as well!!!)
I've had a very relaxing week. I am very thankful for that. I had time to do some organizing and cleaning, but for the majority of the time, I found myself laying in my bed, watching TV, reading, browsing the web, looking at old pics, etc... all healthy, relaxing activities that I enjoy! I felt that I deserved it DH didn't mind either - he was glad that I finally had time to myself to unwind. I don't find myself crying and instead I am feeling more and more positive about trying again.
I'm learning that I need to guard my heart ~ if I don't want to go to a baby shower, I don't think I will, if I don't want to go to an acqaintance's kids bday party, I don't feel I have to, etc... This morning, while browsing pg.org loss boards, I started to feel all sad again - not necessarily for myself, but for all of those who have lost. I ran across a thread with pictures of now angels and I couldn't help but cry and feel sick to my stomach. I hope I am not offending anyone, but I am at the point in my healing process where I don't think it is healthy for me to continue to view such threads, pictures, and sites. I want to lend support to those who are experiencing what I have experienced, but I think I am jumping too quickly into that boat. I think I need to jump on those sites when I need support and stay away when I am feeling good about myself and my life - KWIM? It's just after a week of calming down, all my emotions were all mixed up again and I've felt uneasy since checking out some of the threads.
My heart goes out to all of the families with angels now in heaven. In God's time, I pray that we will all have a healthy child.
Tomorrow if finally my baseline u/s ~~~ I hope!!! Tomorrow is 4 weeks since my m/c and AF is expected to arrive!! I've been spotting for the past few weeks and all week have had AF type cramps, but no sign of AF!! I'm hoping we can continue with the baseline u/s and they give me the go ahead to start the meds once the witch arrives. If not, I may miss out on this cycle
I hope that darn witch pays me a visit tonight!!!!
This evening I realized that I am actually nervous about hearing the results of the blood tests that I had last month. I mean, it seems every time I have a test, they find something wrong. I don't think I can handle any more.....
Well I just got in from the dr's ~ every time I go I feel I'm given so much information, it is sometimes hard to digest. And today, I felt that they were busy and I felt somewhat rushed (this isn't normal for the fertility center ~ I'll let this one slide ).
GOOD news is the NP said as long as I think my period is coming soon (I said I think it was b/c I've had a lot of spotting and some cramps) we can proceed with the baseline u/s ~ she said there were NO large cysts and my ovaries looked fine. She said when CD 1 does arrive I will proceed with my meds.
BAD news is while looking at my uterus she kept making a funny, puzzled face. I asked her what she saw and she said that part of the inside of my uterus appeared suspicious of a fibroid. I told her the RE says that every time he does the u/s and he had said "if you didn't have adenomyosis, I would think you have a fibroid". She said she wants to perform a sono-hystogram to rule out a fibroid. If they do find a fibroid, she said I would need to have another hysteroscopy. When I first told her I had a hysteroscopy in March, she said the dr probably would have seen the fibroid, but then she changed her mind and said anything could have happened over the past 4 months ~ so, if I'm available on CD 5-9 this month, I will have a sono-hystogram. If I can't do it this cycle, I will do it next cycle if I'm not pregnant.
When CD 1 actually does arrive, I need to call the dr to schedule the sono-hystogram (CD 5-9) and to schedule my CD 11 mid cycle u/s.
Before leaving, I asked for the results of my blood work. She said everything was negative and everything looked normal. My Protein C was 142 and she said the normal range goes up to 140 ~ she said this is associated with blood clotting; however, usually a low number is what would indicate a red flag. My HCG was negative and she said the antiphospolipids were negative. The only test results not available were the Karyotype's from DH and I. She requested a fax from the lab, but didn't receive it while I was there. She stated that she didn't think anything was wrong, but if it comes back abnormal, she would call me (It's been 2 hours and I haven't heard from her ~ I hope that is a good thing!!)
When CD 1 arrives, I'm supposed to do CD 2/3 FSH and Estradiol testing. I'm hoping CD 1 comes today, tomorrow or Sunday .... Monday morning is the only opportunity I have to go to the dr's next week!!! If not, I have to wait for this testing next cycle!!! Ugh!!
Soooo..... my plan for July:
CD 1 - Call and schedule a sonohystogram and CD 11 midcycle u/s
CD 2/3 - FSH & Estradiol testing
CD 3- CD 7 - 100 mg Clomid
CD 6, 8, 10, 12 - 100 IU Follistim
CD 5-9 - sonohystergram (hopefully ~ and hopefully everything is NORMAL)
CD 11 - Midcycle u/s -- get the rest of my protocol at this time == I will get directions on when to take my Ovidrel shot and when to start taking the Estrace. Hopefully I will be able to schedule my IUI and get info on when to start the Prometrium!!!!