I'm feeling super excited about my follie check in the morning ~ I'm excited to find out if I have one or more follies and finding out when I can take my trigger shot. I've had a lot of ovarian type pain on both sides - I hope this means I have of action going on inside me!!
I'm also feeling super worried about the timing of my IUI. Tomorrow is CD 12 - I'm worried that my NP will want me to take my trigger shot tomorrow and not have my IUI until Monday. I'm afraid that if this happens, my IUI will be too late. The place where I go does IUI's M-Sat... Ugh, I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.
I'm feeling really down and really tired right now. I don't know how many more treatment cycles I can endure without completely losing my mind.
I had my mid cycle u/s this morning. I was hoping for at least two good sized follicles in my right ovary (I need to increase my odds!!!!). Instead, I have one decent sized follie in my right ovary (18.5 mm) and two 16 mm follies in my left ovary. I wanted to SCREAM . She said if I didn't have the one in my right ovary she would have cancelled my IUI. I asked if there was a chance that my right tube could pick up the eggs from my left ovary ~ she said this has happened before but chances are really LOW. She was basically telling me not to get my hopes up for that happening.
I'm also very sad b/c I am concerned about the timing of this whole cycle. I was feeling really good yesterday and this morning, she said if I was gearing to O, I would take my Ovidrel this morning and have an IUI tomorrow. Instead, since she wants my follies to grow a little more. I have to take another dose of Follistim tonight, take the Ovidrel tomorrow and have the IUI on Monday morning (CD 15) (they're closed on Sunday ). I told DH I have a bad feeling that I will O prior to CD 15 - with or without the Ovidrel . I'm so sad right now . I was feeling so hopeful for the month and now all I can do is cry and wish I didn't have such a screwed up body .
What a weekend ~
B/c of the timing concerns, we decided to take matters into our own hands
We were supposed to BD Saturday night, abstain on Sunday, and have the IUI on Monday. Instead, we BD'd Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning. We wanted to cover all our bases!!
We had the IUI this morning. DH had 46 "clean" swimmers ~ he seemed a little bummed about the number (last time he had 87 million). He said he wasn't a "superstar" I told him not to worry ~ he gave me the other 40 million yesterday morning!
He He ~ if you're reading this, sorry if it's TMI. I've been feeling really down about this cycle and am trying to lift my mood with humor
I wanted to add that I've had a lot of cramping since yesterday. Over the past week, I've felt a little on both sides. Yesterday and today I've felt a lot on both sides (more on my right). I'm hoping this is O pain and my timing worked out. We'll find out on September 10th!
1 DPO - upper abdominal cramping (left over from yesterday's O pain?), abdominal bloating (started Progesterone & Estrogen yesterday ~ I'm sure I'll start getting s/e soon) (woke up at 4:30 to use the restroom - I hope it doesn't mess up my temp!) 2 DPO - very little upper abdominal cramping, some bloating, fatigue (had to go to the restroom at 5:50 - tried hard to hold it until temping time - ended up temping at 6:15) 3 DPO - creamy cm, very mild upper abdominal cramping, mild bloating, fatigue (woke up @ 3:30 to use restroom - ugh! -I'm afraid this is messing w/ my temp!), mild stomach ache (I didn't eat lunch early enough) 4 DPO - creamy, yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping 5 DPO - creamy cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, some pain on my right side (by ovary) and some pain down my left side (by ovary down to top of my leg) - starting to think this cycle is another no-go - ugh, ugh, ugh. 6 DPO - I woke up *hoping* to feel something. Nothing. Same progesterone s/e - mild bloat, mild cramps, creamy cm - crying spells galore. Now, I'm feeling very anxious about my upcoming appt with my RE next Thursday. I'm curious as to his next recommendation. We shall see. Ugh! 7 DPO - Huge temp drop same progesterone s/e - creamy,yellow (kinda lotion-like) cm, mild bloating, mild cramps 8 DPO - my temp went back up today, creamy,yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, weird dreams, woke up at 3:30 to use the restroom....again. 9 DPO - high temp, creamy, yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, woke up at 1:30 to use the restroom. Feeling nervous about tomorrow's RE appt. 10 DPO - high temps, bloating, cramping 11 DPO - slight temp drop, some bloating, some cramping, feeling somewhat nervous about IVF 12 DPO - high temp, some cramping 13 DPO - high temp 14 DPO - high temp - BPT - didn't call in for the results - feel it's BFN
Last night was hard, really hard. Our game was canceled so we decided to invite a few people over to the house. Two couples came over, each with their two kids. So, yes, I had four kids in my living room last night, all under the age of four. They were all so adorable and honestly, I had a great time playing with them. They are so innocent and I love listening to what they have to say. So super cute. The hard part was one of the little kids was a 3 month old baby. I was fine looking at her and telling her parents how "cute" she was. But then it happened, I got the question, do you want to hold the baby?....what am I supposed to say....I said, well, the baby will likely cry (she was already fussy)....she said, that's ok, here....so, I hold the sweet innocent little doll, look straight to my DH, pleading for help with my eyes. I was ready to start balling. The baby was so darn cute, my heart broke with thought of never having my own. I was biting my tongue and held back tears but quickly passed the baby back to the mom. I was done.
Just before everyone left, we then got the famous questions: So when are you having kids? I bet you're turned off of having kids of your own after watching these kids running around. Maybe your DH should get fixed so you don't have to worry about having kids - haha!, etc...
After they all left, DH and I talked about how much fun we had, but how hard it was. He knew and understood. He said as soon as I was given the baby to hold, he was waiting for me to cry. I'm glad I held it in. None of these people know about my health problems and our fertility issues. I didn't want to talk about it either.
I woke up this morning, seriously debating whether or not I wanted to take my temperature. My temp always looks great in the 2ww b/c of my progesterone. I feel it gives me a horrible sense of hope despite not feeling anything else.
I did temp and felt the only reason I should is b/c I am meeting with my RE on Thursday for a consultation visit. He'll want to see my charts. He is going to review what we've done and what he recommends our next step to be. This honestly scares the crap out of me. I mean, if he recommends IVF, I am so fine with that --- if that is what it takes to get my baby, then I am all for it.
However, what if we go that route and are unsuccessful? Then what???? I can't think about it - it is driving me nuts!! I wish my body wasn't defective....
Although I'm thankful that this is a 3 day weekend and I don't have to work and I love spending time with DH ~ I have been so depressed this weekend. Saturday I spent most of the day in bed. I didn't care to watch tv, to read, to browse the net, nothing. DH finally got me up to take me out to dinner. And then yesterday, the same thing except we had plans in the afternoon. Thanks to my Eeyore type behavior we were late, but I couldn't help it. I've been crying, sleeping, crying, sleeping.
I'm scared that DH and I will never have a baby of our own. I'm scared that the endo has come back, and this time with a vengeance. I've had some funky dull pains on my left side that seem to go down into my upper leg. On my right side, I'm feeling what may be another cyst on my ovary (this happened last month and this is the ovary I probably O'd from). I'm scared that my eggs SUCK and there is nothing we could do to "fix" this. I'm scared my RE will tell me to try IUI one more time, and it won't work.
I'm scared that when we hit the IVF road, it won't work.
I'm scared to think about what will happen if none of the treatments work.
Sorry for sounding like such a pessimist. Lately I seem to turn into a depressive monster when I *feel* or find out that my treatment cycle failed.
Ok, so I'm feeling a little better tonight. Still not optimistic, but not as depressed. DH just took me shopping and took me out to dinner ~ I guess that had something to do with me feeling a little better
I will say that I am sick of taking this progesterone. I'm not liking the s/e. I've had a stomachache, major bloating, and some funky cramping. The cramps feel like they do before I get a (tmi) heavy AF - I'm scared I am going to start bleeding a week early. Ugh.
On a lighter note, DH and I were looking at things online and I glanced at my FF chart. It was funny b/c at a glance we both thought the chart spelled *MOM* ~ well, it's more like *MUM*. We were laughing. Talk about overanalyzing. Geez!
Tomorrow morning is my RE appt ~ I'm feeling so nervous. This is my second treatment cycle post miscarriage (fourth total). I don't know what he is going to recommend next. I have a feeling he is going to recommend one more injectable/IUI cycle and then recommend we proceed to something more aggressive - IVF. If this is the case, I have absolutely no problem with it; however, I am scared to death that it wouldn't work for me and if that happened, then what????
Well, if I'm not pg this cycle, we are moving on to IVF.
Unfortunately, I haven't felt that this cycle was successful since my IUI. I go in on Monday for a BPT to confirm this.
Assuming it's a BFN, DH and I met for an hour with our RE and he gave us his recommendation. He shared that for someone who is my age and with my "issues", he recommends that next cycle we pursue IVF. DH and I were kinda surprised....well, not surprised, just overwhelmed. I felt that this day may come and I'd have to face the fact that I would need more aggressive treatment. Honestly, I thought he was going to tell me that we would try one more round of IUI/injectables before moving on. He said after what I've already done, I could consider having another lap, but that didn't seem to make sense. He said instead, IVF would be the best option to help us conceive. He indicated that I do have multiple diagnoses; however, he is most concerned with my elevated FSH....
So we developed a tentative plan of action. Tomorrow DH and I will be going in to sign the consent forms. I then have a baseline u/s on Tuesday. (I will also need to drive by and pick up a few thousand dollars worth of medicine at the pharmacy this day). I will continue to take the prometrium and estrace until 9-17, on 9-13 I will start snaryel (sp?). I have a mock ET scheduled for 9-20 and my first monitoring u/s on 9-26 (I will be starting 225IU of Follistim daily prior to this day - I think). The RE estimates an ER around Oct. 2-6 and ET 3-5 days later. He also said that for 50% of my eggs, they will use ICSI procedure.
All I can say is wow. Part of me is super excited and part of me is super scared. This is very overwhelming and is happening so fast. Although, I'd much rather have it happen fast ~ I'd hate to have to sit around and wait. The anticipation would drive me nuts. But everything always seems to work out..........