Praying for a Blessing

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What a crappy week. I can hardly function. I am so heartbroken -- how do you cope with beating the odds and knowing that you actually conceived only to turn around and learn that you lost the baby so suddenly.

I am so thankful and feel God answered my prayers to let me know that yes, I can get pg ~ only this baby was not ready to join the world.... I am praying and longing that I can again get pg my next cycle TTC.

In the meantime, I am having trouble working (I work at 2 elementary schools). I see these little kids running around and am constantly reminded of what I lost. I am cranky with everyone b/c I feel their complaints and minimial in comparison (selfish I know). I am finding it hard to smile and would prefer to lay in bed, put the covers over my head, and cry....

I am worried about whether or not the m/c will occur naturally. I stopped taking progesterone on Saturday and hope I m/c on my own soon. I am seeking closure and feel that once I can start up a new cycle, I will have new hope. Right now I am grieving and feel I will be doing this for awhile.

Thankfully, DH is my rock. He is awesome and I can't describe how much I love him. He was as devastated as I was and to see him cry, broke my heart. I have to say I love pg.org as a support group b/c Saturday, I fell asleep and woke up to see DH browsing threads related to m/c. It helped both of us.

My family has been great too. I hate to see them so sad, but am thankful that they are so supportive and loving. I don't know what I would do without them.

For now, it's just waiting and praying ~~ waiting to move forward and praying that I will heal quickly and praying that I can get a second miracle.

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I forgot to mention - on Sunday, DH took me shopping for a bracelet ~ since our baby's EDD was February 14th, he bought me a bracelet with amethyst (Feb birthstone) heart shaped stones. We had to order it. When it comes in, I'll post a picture. I thought this was an awesome way to never forget our little one who we had for 4 weeks and 3 days.

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Well I started spotting. I have mixed emotions about this -- I am sad to have lost my baby but am anxious for this m/c to end as I am desperately seeking closure. DH and I are anxious jump back on the TTC wagon -- btw - I need to again say how wonderful my DH is. He is the best!

Here are pics of my new bracelet:

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Yesterday I started cramping and bleeding heavily. It was a day of mixed emotions ~ Thursday was the first day all week I didn't cry, but yesterday I started to cry all over again. I'm thankful that the m/c is happening naturally and I hope this will help DH and I find some peace. I've had some cramping and discomfort, but Advil has helped with the physical pain. Emotionally, I'm still heartbroken. Everytime I hear the song "Keep holding on" I cry, everytime I hear about friends or strangers kids I cry, and this morning DH shared that while driving around town he saw a little boy in the car next to him - the little boy was trying to get DH's attention as he was smiling and waving a toy and him - DH said this hit him hard.
In God's time....

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I am so angry and I can't help it! For the past few days, I've been highly irritable and every little thing is making me so angry. Finally yesterday, I was angry b/c we invited my family over last minute to celebrate Father's Day - well, I then got angry b/c my house wasn't as clean as I wanted it to be, and then I got angry...well, you get the picture. When my dad tried to offer help with the house and when he told me it wasn't a big deal and not worth getting angry over, I shouted at him, you know it's not about the house, right? Everyone was supportive, but I was still so angry.

Last night DH and I had a good talk and I told him that I was not ready to help deal with other people's problems right now - I told him I need to focus on me and us and getting through this together. I told him I was sad b/c I didn't feel my family understands what I am feeling. DH said they don't and they will likely never truly understand.

I am usually very happy and can't stand feeling this angry .... at everything!

BTW - IMO, this started on Friday as that was the day I started to naturally m/c. I had bleeding through Saturday and yesterday I only had some spotting. I'm hoping it is over and Friday I'm hoping to get the go ahead to TTC for my next cycle.

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I had my f/u appt this morning ~ I was somewhat frustrated. The receptionist didn't have my name down for an appt! She said I'd need to wait and see if they can get me in. While waiting, the NP walked by me, smiling, asking how I was feeling. I thought that was strange as I stated "ok".

I was then greeted by the nurse and NP who told me they were so sorry....they hadn't realized I had m/c. They were very caring and sweet after that.

So I was called in for an u/s. DH came with - which was great. The NP said everything looked good. It looks like my lining was all shed and I O'd from my right side. She said something about a small corpus luetum cyst, but it was normal and nothing to worry about.

The NP said that 18-20% of all pregnancies end in m/c. She said that there is only a small chance that this will reoccur. She said for this reason, she and the dr weren't wanting to do a full work up of tests to find out what happened.

The NP shared that when AF arrives, we will mimic the treatment plan from May. She said that we had to use protection this cycle to allow time for my uterus and ovaries to heal. I think this is good news! Now, I'm hoping, wishing, praying for an April baby Wink

As I was leaving, the NP told me that it didn't hurt to run "some" tests. She shared that I've already had two CD 3 day blood tests and they revealed FSH 10.1 and Estradiol 10 and my second CD 3 b/w was FSH 6.5 and Estradiol 74!! I had a CD 10 FSH level of 4.4 a few months ago. She said she wants to re-test both levels on my next CD 2 or 3 since I've now had a "borderline high" FSH and Estradiol. Ugh!

She also suggested that DH and I have some more b/w today. I had to give 12 vials of blood!! I have a nice big bruise on my arm right now Sad Today they ran another bhcg test, some antibody tests, thyroid tests, and a bunch of chromosomal tests. DH had to take a chromosomal test. These results won't be in for 3 weeks.

Now, it's just waiting, healing, relaxing..... I have my baseline u/s appt on July 13th. I'll wait for the results at that time and hope that my ovaries look good so that I can start my next cycle of treatment (well.... I am assuming AF arrives at that time as well!!!)

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I've had a very relaxing week. I am very thankful for that. I had time to do some organizing and cleaning, but for the majority of the time, I found myself laying in my bed, watching TV, reading, browsing the web, looking at old pics, etc... all healthy, relaxing activities that I enjoy! I felt that I deserved it Wink DH didn't mind either - he was glad that I finally had time to myself to unwind. I don't find myself crying and instead I am feeling more and more positive about trying again.

I'm learning that I need to guard my heart ~ if I don't want to go to a baby shower, I don't think I will, if I don't want to go to an acqaintance's kids bday party, I don't feel I have to, etc... This morning, while browsing pg.org loss boards, I started to feel all sad again - not necessarily for myself, but for all of those who have lost. I ran across a thread with pictures of now angels and I couldn't help but cry and feel sick to my stomach. I hope I am not offending anyone, but I am at the point in my healing process where I don't think it is healthy for me to continue to view such threads, pictures, and sites. I want to lend support to those who are experiencing what I have experienced, but I think I am jumping too quickly into that boat. I think I need to jump on those sites when I need support and stay away when I am feeling good about myself and my life - KWIM? It's just after a week of calming down, all my emotions were all mixed up again and I've felt uneasy since checking out some of the threads.

My heart goes out to all of the families with angels now in heaven. In God's time, I pray that we will all have a healthy child.

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Tomorrow if finally my baseline u/s ~~~ I hope!!! Tomorrow is 4 weeks since my m/c and AF is expected to arrive!! I've been spotting for the past few weeks and all week have had AF type cramps, but no sign of AF!! I'm hoping we can continue with the baseline u/s and they give me the go ahead to start the meds once the witch arrives. If not, I may miss out on this cycle Sad
I hope that darn witch pays me a visit tonight!!!!

This evening I realized that I am actually nervous about hearing the results of the blood tests that I had last month. I mean, it seems every time I have a test, they find something wrong. I don't think I can handle any more.....

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Well I just got in from the dr's ~ every time I go I feel I'm given so much information, it is sometimes hard to digest. And today, I felt that they were busy and I felt somewhat rushed (this isn't normal for the fertility center ~ I'll let this one slide Wink ).

GOOD news is the NP said as long as I think my period is coming soon (I said I think it was b/c I've had a lot of spotting and some cramps) we can proceed with the baseline u/s ~ she said there were NO large cysts and my ovaries looked fine. She said when CD 1 does arrive I will proceed with my meds. Smile

BAD news is while looking at my uterus she kept making a funny, puzzled face. I asked her what she saw and she said that part of the inside of my uterus appeared suspicious of a fibroid. I told her the RE says that every time he does the u/s and he had said "if you didn't have adenomyosis, I would think you have a fibroid". She said she wants to perform a sono-hystogram to rule out a fibroid. If they do find a fibroid, she said I would need to have another hysteroscopy. When I first told her I had a hysteroscopy in March, she said the dr probably would have seen the fibroid, but then she changed her mind and said anything could have happened over the past 4 months ~ so, if I'm available on CD 5-9 this month, I will have a sono-hystogram. If I can't do it this cycle, I will do it next cycle if I'm not pregnant.

When CD 1 actually does arrive, I need to call the dr to schedule the sono-hystogram (CD 5-9) and to schedule my CD 11 mid cycle u/s.

Before leaving, I asked for the results of my blood work. She said everything was negative and everything looked normal. My Protein C was 142 and she said the normal range goes up to 140 ~ she said this is associated with blood clotting; however, usually a low number is what would indicate a red flag. My HCG was negative and she said the antiphospolipids were negative. The only test results not available were the Karyotype's from DH and I. She requested a fax from the lab, but didn't receive it while I was there. She stated that she didn't think anything was wrong, but if it comes back abnormal, she would call me (It's been 2 hours and I haven't heard from her ~ I hope that is a good thing!!)

When CD 1 arrives, I'm supposed to do CD 2/3 FSH and Estradiol testing. I'm hoping CD 1 comes today, tomorrow or Sunday .... Monday morning is the only opportunity I have to go to the dr's next week!!! If not, I have to wait for this testing next cycle!!! Ugh!!

Soooo..... my plan for July:
CD 1 - Call and schedule a sonohystogram and CD 11 midcycle u/s
CD 2/3 - FSH & Estradiol testing
CD 3- CD 7 - 100 mg Clomid
CD 6, 8, 10, 12 - 100 IU Follistim
CD 5-9 - sonohystergram (hopefully ~ and hopefully everything is NORMAL)
CD 11 - Midcycle u/s -- get the rest of my protocol at this time == I will get directions on when to take my Ovidrel shot and when to start taking the Estrace. Hopefully I will be able to schedule my IUI and get info on when to start the Prometrium!!!!

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Ok, according to FF I'm 13 DPO -- if that is TRUE, then AF should be here by tomorrow ~~ this is my longest cycle ever!!!

TMI warning ~~ I woke up, went to the bathroom and could swear that AF had arrived ..... but no!!

Goodness, I guess I'm stressing so much over her coming is b/c not only do I want to start TTC again, but because I won't be available to go in for b/w if she comes Monday or later!! ..... UGH!!!!!!!!!!

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14 DPO ~~ and NO AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!

I've never wished her here so badly!!

Oh well, I'll have some time to relax this week. I'm hoping that that helps!

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I'm back from vacation ~~ I had a great time!!!!

Monday morning, AF still hadn't arrived so before leaving on my trip, I decided to give my dr a call. The nurse called back and said I need to take a pg test (uh...hello? I had a m/c and you said your policy was to use protection for a month) so she had to call me back.... The NP herself then called me back and asked me to come in before my trip for some bloodwork.

So...DH and I packed the car, rushed to the lab, gave some blood and was then off to relax......well, kinda. I was expecting a call back that day from the dr and they never called. When I called they said the NP had left! I said I needed a call back the next day b/c I wouldn't have cell service the rest of the week!!

Fortunately they called back Tuesday afternoon and said that my RE felt my CD 1 was the previous Sunday (based on u/s pics of my uterus, b/w, and my spotting). So, Tuesday I started my third round of fertility treatments.

Here's what I'm doing this cycle:
CD 3 - 7 - 100 mg Clomid
CD 6, 8, 10, 12 - FSH
CD 9 - Sonohystogram
CD 11 - Mid cycle u/s (Oh, please let there be follies in my right ovary!!)
CD 12 - HCG and possibly estrogen
CD 14 (hopefully) - IUI~~~~

So.....here I am, back from vacation, moody (hehe) and taking lots of drugs Wink

To top it off, tomorrow and Tuesday I have to go to the dentist to remove my silver fillings. I've read that this was a 'no-no' while TTC, but I've also read that it doesn't hurt you. B/c the fillings my dentist wants to replace are starting to bother me a little, I thought I better take care of this NOW!!

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What a day today has been ---

I started the morning off at the dentist where I had to get a crown Sad and tomorrow I have to go back to have fillings filled Sad

I'm glad I am able to get this done, but now I'm a little worried b/c the crown will be ready during my 2ww....I'm not sure if that is safe....

I then went to my dr's for my sonohystogram. Good news is, everything looked fine. The NP took a peek at my ovaries and said I already have two big follies on my right side in addition to some smaller ones. My left ovary has some small follies as well.

I go back on Wednesday for my midcycle u/s....

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Ok, I'm back from the dentist and I am completely NUMB!!! I had two fillings on my lower right and two fillings on my upper left ~ my entire mouth (lip/tongue included) is numb - hehe

I'm relieved that I have this all complete before O time. I asked the receptionist about putting in the crown and she said that they likely would not need to numb my mouth (I was worried about that in case I was pg!).

So, now I can again focus on getting pg this week! hehe

Last night I had some strange cramps, I'm hoping they were more ovarian pains versus cramps from the sonohystogram. I feel fine today.

Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow I get to see a handful of large follies! (ok, at least one!).

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I'm back from the RE ~ and I'm ready to be inseminated Wink hehe Wink

I give myself the trigger shot tonight and Friday I go in for my third IUI ~ the timing seems early since I typically O on CD 14 or 15. Oh well, things have been wacky this cycle anyways - at least I won't miss it over the weekend!

This time around, we have 1 mature follicle (23x18) and another potential follicle in my right ovary. I also have four small follicles but they won't be mature ~~ I had five mature ones last time, but heck, I only need one!!!!

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I gave myself the trigger shot last night (I actually had a hard time puncturing the skin - so it hurt for a few minutes!) and DH asked for his "medicine" ~~ yes, he always gets ecstatic when the dr "prescribes" BD time. He's too funny.

I spent yesterday and today cleaning the house, doing laundry, cleaning the spa, yardwork, etc... I want to relax during my 2ww and not worry about doing any of my chores. I'll be dealing with enough stress going back to work (I've been working from home this week, but have to go into the office next week).

Now, I'm teasing my DH that I want a 50% increase in his swimmers tomorrow (he had like 80 million last time) ROFL hehe

I'm off to the store now to search for an anniversary gift for my DH!! (We celebrate our 7 year anniversary on Sunday!)

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I'm all inseminated for the third time!

I was VERY worried last night and this morning b/c yesterday I had what appeared to be EWCM and this morning I had a temp rise. My NP said it was possible that I O'd yesterday, but she said the CM would not be a good indicator of this ~ she explained that the trigger shot increases my estrogen level and she said it is common to see fertile fluids before O time. I forgot to ask about my temp, but I'm wondering if the weather had anything to do with the increase? (I woke up and it was 81* and I was wrapped in a heavy blanket ~ I was hot!).

So....I had to Help DH this morning around 7 and we dropped off his little guys around 8. We were called into the room around 9:30 and by 9:45, 87 million of DH's swimmers were inserted Wink I laid there for 15 minutes, came home, and took a nice nap (to take my mind of everything). I feel great now and am actually feeling really excited about feeling ovarian pain on my right side!!!! I hope it means what I think it means ~~ maybe I'm O'ing today!!

We're shooting for third times a charm, but also for lucky # 7~ while waiting for the NP, DH and I looked at all the 7's on my medical bracelet (7-27-07), DH had 8*7* million swimmers, we got his *um* sample at 7, and we were talking about how even though we've been ttc for almost a year, it's estimated that we are on our *7th* cycle (b/c of medical breaks...). I'm reaching for anything right now that will give me hope!!!

Let the 2 week *stressful* wait begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I thought of another Lucky # 7 ~~

This Sunday, DH and I will be celebrating our *7th* wedding anniversary!! Yay!!

(I can't believe I forgot this one! I'm currently working on putting a gift together for him even though we agreed to no gifts....)

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Yesterday was our 7th anniversary. DH planned a FUN day, but we weren't able to do any of it....

I woke up yesterday with terrible lower chest pain. It hurt to breath and it hurt to move! DH took me to the urgent care center and that is where we spent the day.

The first thing I did was share with the dr that I just had fertility treatment and there was a chance I was pg. The nurse came in took blood and had me do a urine test. After she left, I told DH they were probably going to run a pg test. I told him not to get too excited b/c I knew the tests would come back positive (from my trigger shot). So, lo and behold, they come back in, excited to tell me I am pg. I said, well, it's too early to tell if I'm pg b/c of my Ovidrel shot. They didn't understand..... so, I guess that was actually good b/c they treated me like I was pg and were very cautious with what tests they were willing to administer (they wanted chest xrays and a cat scan, but we didn't want that). They determined that I have pleurisy (inflamed diaphragm) but they don't know why...it could be from a viral infection, they wonder if its from my sono hystogram, or from any of the meds I've taken or am currently taking. He sent me home and asked me to call my RE this morning. He also told me to rest, and he told me I could take Tylenol (I hope this is safe in the 2ww!!)

My RE's office opens in a half hour, I'm anxious to hear what they have to say. I'm really curious to hear if this was caused by a fertility test or fertility drugs.

Please say a prayer for me that I heal quickly and that if the fertility treatments were successful, that everything is healthy!

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I just got off the phone with a nurse from my RE's office. She said that my treatments and drugs would have nothing to do with my lower chest. She said Tylenol was safe to take but overall the pain I am experiencing appears "too high" for it to be fertility related. That was it. I am a bit frustrated that she didn't offer to consult with the NP or RE on this ~ DH is ticked. DH and I decided that I'll lay down and rest today and if things don't improve, I'll call back and ask to talk to the dr.

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Well I'm feeling slightly better today. I'm able to sit up with little cringing on my part.

As far as my 2ww goes, the only things I've experienced so far may be s/e - lots of creamy cm and high temps.

My chest pain has really hindered my ability to analyze other possible *symptoms*. I am just hoping I get some relief over the next few days, can head back to work, and avoid going back to the dr.

In the meantime, I'm trying to think back to the cycle I got my bfp to compare "symptoms" - I didn't write them down so I'm not sure when I experienced what! Oh well, part of me doesn't want things to be the same anyways b/c last time, it didn't work so well!!

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I went in to work for a half day ~ started not to feel so hot around lunch time and was afraid I over did it...

So, here's how I've been feeling since the IUI on Friday - (I figure, it doesn't hurt to document day by day feelings this time around)

Friday (est. O day) - O pains
Sat - 1DPO - nothing really except some creamy cm
Sun - 2DPO - lower chest pains (pleurisy), creamy cm
Mon - 3DPO - backache, fatigue, chest pains, creamy cm
Tues - 4DPO - backache, fatigue, chest pains, mild cramps, mild ovarian pain (right side), creamy cm
Wed - 5 DPO - toothache woke me up at 2:45, backache, mild cramps, moderate ovarian pain (right side), fatigue, high temps, creamy cm, felt sick driving home while eating my pb&J, craving pizza (I'll have DH pick one up tonight!)
Thurs - 6 DPO (although FF thinks today is 7 DPO) - only "some" creamy (less than last time), very mild cramps in upper abdominal area (less than last time), mild bloating, backache, possible increase in urination, fatigue, anxious to test!
Fri - 7 DPO (or 8 DPO?) - few *symptoms* to report: only some excess cm, bloating, *feeling* in my upper abdominal region, fatigue, high temps, backache, joint pain. Today I'm feeling tempted to test to see if the HCG is out of my system, but I figure, why not wait until I can test for real next week.
Sat - 8 DPO - very little to report: fatigue, bloated, creamy cm, abdominal cramping, allergies
Sun - 9 DPO - fatigue, allergies, bloated, creamy cm, abdominal cramping (not feeling pg at all!!) - Starting to feel down that I am likely not pg.
Mon - 10 DPO - fatigue, bloated, creamy cm, abdominal cramping (again, not feeling pg!) - bfn
Tues - 11 DPO - fatigue, sore throat, bloated, creamy cm, abdominal cramping (again, not feeling pg!) - bfn
Wed - 12 DPO - fatigue, sore throat, mild bloating, creamy cm, very little abdominal sensation, very mild upset stomach, headache - bfn
Thurs - 13 DPO - fatigue, stomachache, some bloating - bfn
Fri - 14 DPO - fatigue - bfn/ hpt and bpt
On to my next cycle....

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I know it's still "early", but I'm not feeling super optimistic about this cycle ~ which makes me terribly sad. I'm trying to think positive and keep the faith.....Friday can't come soon enough!!!!

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I don't know what is wrong with me. I need someone to tell me to SNAP OUT OF IT. I know DH will say this when he gets home.

I'm feeling super duper depressed. Everyone and their mother is getting pg, my friends keep emailing pics of their kids, and the kids start back to work next week (I'm so not in the mood to be around so many little ones). I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

I go in for my baseline u/s on Friday. I'm assuming we will proceed with IUI #4. I'll need to ask when I will have to consider my "next step". Ugh. Something else I don't really want to think about, but at this point, if that'll get me a bfp, then I guess I'm all for it.

Sorry, I really need to vent.

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Today was a hard day at work. I work at a school and was off for the summer. I come back to work and get 20 ?'s from my fellow staff members asking if I'm pg, did I get pg over the summer, am I planning on getting pg, do I even want to get pg.......etc, etc...... ugh! Not many people know I am TTC, but I know people talk. Oh well. I'm trying hard to keep my personal life separate from work. I'm not one to talk about myself to co-workers....

I just hope I get pg so I can shut them all up!! (hehe)

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Today I had an inservice w/ all the teachers at my sites. All I can say is UGH! Not only did I get to hear about the babies born over the summer, but I also got to hear about all the new pregnancies, and another teacher just found out they're having a boy........no offense to her, but at this point, I really don't care. I feel horrible having these thoughts and thinking this way, but I feel I'm just being honest with myself...

On a side note, when a co-worker I hadn't seen in awhile found out I had "health problems" (she heard that I was out for surgery but didn't know why), she said "if you ever encounter fertility problems, feel free to call me....it took me nine years to conceive my first!" She also said she understands how emotional it can be. I didn't tell her about my issues, but was thankful for her offer to give me support.

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After seeing all kinds of bfn's this week I called the nurse and she said I didn't need the BPT the day of my u/s.....

Although, when I went in for my u/s, I shared with the NP that my temp went up this morning. I asked if this was b/c of the progesterone. She said well...maybe. She went ahead, performed the u/s and found a nice cyst on my left ovary. She said my lining was super thick and she wasn't convinced that I wasn't pg, so she sent me to lab for a stat bpt......................which was a big fat NEGATIVE! Ugh!

I wasn't super surprised since I had the negative HPT and b/c she said I O'd from my left side (my left tube is blocked), but when you hear that there is a chance from your NP, you can't help but feel some glimmer of hope.

So, now she needs to perform another u/s on CD 3 to be sure the cyst has gone down before starting my next treatment cycle.

I asked what I should do if my CD 1 doesn't come like "normal" and she said, let's just hope we don't have to worry about that...

I also asked how many IUI's I will get to do since this next one will be my 4th....she said I need to make an office appt with the RE now so that I can meet with him by the end of my next cycle. She said the fertility world I am young, and she would like to see me try the injectable/IUI cycle 3 times post m/c (so 2 more cycles) before looking at our next step.

So.......who knows, am I meant to have a May baby??

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On Wednesday I had a CD 3 check to find out if my cyst went down before starting treatment. Good news is, it did! Yay!!!

I started 100 mg Clomid CD 3-7, will do Follistim CD 6, 8, 10, 12, HCG CD 12, and I have a follie scan on CD 12 -- next Friday. I'm hoping for MANY follicles in my right ovary this time around (that's what worked previously Wink )

I've been extremely moody, but overall have been feeling somewhat optimistic - we'll see!

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Today I found out another one of my cousin's is pg (#3). I hate feeling sad when I hear this kind of news, but I can't help it. This cousin is actually the first on that side of the family to fall pg ~ it is hard to hear how ecstatic people like my gma are to finally have a great grandchild. Ugh. I've been married over 7 years ~ everyone states "And I thought you would be the first one....".

Oh well. I am truly happy for them and wish them the best, but I am also going to let myself cry and let my husband comfort me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good news is I've finished my Clomid for this cycle and will continue my Follistim shots until Friday! I just hope and pray that I have some strong follies growing!!!! (I'm hoping for quite a few this time around Wink )

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CD 11 --

I'm feeling super excited about my follie check in the morning ~ I'm excited to find out if I have one or more follies and finding out when I can take my trigger shot. I've had a lot of ovarian type pain on both sides - I hope this means I have of action going on inside me!!

I'm also feeling super worried about the timing of my IUI. Tomorrow is CD 12 - I'm worried that my NP will want me to take my trigger shot tomorrow and not have my IUI until Monday. I'm afraid that if this happens, my IUI will be too late. The place where I go does IUI's M-Sat... Ugh, I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.

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CD 12 --

I'm feeling really down and really tired right now. I don't know how many more treatment cycles I can endure without completely losing my mind.

I had my mid cycle u/s this morning. I was hoping for at least two good sized follicles in my right ovary (I need to increase my odds!!!!). Instead, I have one decent sized follie in my right ovary (18.5 mm) and two 16 mm follies in my left ovary. I wanted to SCREAM :mad:. She said if I didn't have the one in my right ovary she would have cancelled my IUI. I asked if there was a chance that my right tube could pick up the eggs from my left ovary ~ she said this has happened before but chances are really LOW. She was basically telling me not to get my hopes up for that happening. SadSadSad

I'm also very sad b/c I am concerned about the timing of this whole cycle. I was feeling really good yesterday and this morning, she said if I was gearing to O, I would take my Ovidrel this morning and have an IUI tomorrow. Instead, since she wants my follies to grow a little more. I have to take another dose of Follistim tonight, take the Ovidrel tomorrow and have the IUI on Monday morning (CD 15) (they're closed on Sunday :mad:). I told DH I have a bad feeling that I will O prior to CD 15 - with or without the Ovidrel :(. I'm so sad right now :(. I was feeling so hopeful for the month and now all I can do is cry and wish I didn't have such a screwed up body:( Sad :(.

I don't know what to think right now.

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What a weekend ~
B/c of the timing concerns, we decided to take matters into our own hands WinkWink
We were supposed to BD Saturday night, abstain on Sunday, and have the IUI on Monday. Instead, we BD'd Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning. We wanted to cover all our bases!!
We had the IUI this morning. DH had 46 "clean" swimmers ~ he seemed a little bummed about the number (last time he had 87 million). He said he wasn't a "superstar" Wink I told him not to worry ~ he gave me the other 40 million yesterday morning!

He He ~ if you're reading this, sorry if it's TMI. I've been feeling really down about this cycle and am trying to lift my mood with humor Wink

I wanted to add that I've had a lot of cramping since yesterday. Over the past week, I've felt a little on both sides. Yesterday and today I've felt a lot on both sides (more on my right). I'm hoping this is O pain and my timing worked out. We'll find out on September 10th!

1 DPO - upper abdominal cramping (left over from yesterday's O pain?), abdominal bloating (started Progesterone & Estrogen yesterday ~ I'm sure I'll start getting s/e soon) (woke up at 4:30 to use the restroom - I hope it doesn't mess up my temp!)
2 DPO - very little upper abdominal cramping, some bloating, fatigue (had to go to the restroom at 5:50 - tried hard to hold it until temping time - ended up temping at 6:15)
3 DPO - creamy cm, very mild upper abdominal cramping, mild bloating, fatigue (woke up @ 3:30 to use restroom - ugh! -I'm afraid this is messing w/ my temp!), mild stomach ache (I didn't eat lunch early enough)
4 DPO - creamy, yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping
5 DPO - creamy cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, some pain on my right side (by ovary) and some pain down my left side (by ovary down to top of my leg) - starting to think this cycle is another no-go - ugh, ugh, ugh.
6 DPO - I woke up *hoping* to feel something. Nothing. Same progesterone s/e - mild bloat, mild cramps, creamy cm - crying spells galore. Now, I'm feeling very anxious about my upcoming appt with my RE next Thursday. I'm curious as to his next recommendation. We shall see. Ugh!
7 DPO - Huge temp drop Sad same progesterone s/e - creamy,yellow (kinda lotion-like) cm, mild bloating, mild cramps
8 DPO - my temp went back up today, creamy,yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, weird dreams, woke up at 3:30 to use the restroom....again.
9 DPO - high temp, creamy, yellow cm, mild bloating, mild cramping, woke up at 1:30 to use the restroom. Feeling nervous about tomorrow's RE appt.
10 DPO - high temps, bloating, cramping
11 DPO - slight temp drop, some bloating, some cramping, feeling somewhat nervous about IVF
12 DPO - high temp, some cramping
13 DPO - high temp
14 DPO - high temp - BPT - didn't call in for the results - feel it's BFN

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Last night was hard, really hard. Our game was canceled so we decided to invite a few people over to the house. Two couples came over, each with their two kids. So, yes, I had four kids in my living room last night, all under the age of four. They were all so adorable and honestly, I had a great time playing with them. They are so innocent and I love listening to what they have to say. So super cute. The hard part was one of the little kids was a 3 month old baby. I was fine looking at her and telling her parents how "cute" she was. But then it happened, I got the question, do you want to hold the baby?....what am I supposed to say....I said, well, the baby will likely cry (she was already fussy)....she said, that's ok, here....so, I hold the sweet innocent little doll, look straight to my DH, pleading for help with my eyes. I was ready to start balling. The baby was so darn cute, my heart broke with thought of never having my own. I was biting my tongue and held back tears but quickly passed the baby back to the mom. I was done.

Just before everyone left, we then got the famous questions: So when are you having kids? I bet you're turned off of having kids of your own after watching these kids running around. Maybe your DH should get fixed so you don't have to worry about having kids - haha!, etc...

After they all left, DH and I talked about how much fun we had, but how hard it was. He knew and understood. He said as soon as I was given the baby to hold, he was waiting for me to cry. I'm glad I held it in. None of these people know about my health problems and our fertility issues. I didn't want to talk about it either.

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I woke up this morning, seriously debating whether or not I wanted to take my temperature. My temp always looks great in the 2ww b/c of my progesterone. I feel it gives me a horrible sense of hope despite not feeling anything else.

I did temp and felt the only reason I should is b/c I am meeting with my RE on Thursday for a consultation visit. He'll want to see my charts. He is going to review what we've done and what he recommends our next step to be. This honestly scares the crap out of me. I mean, if he recommends IVF, I am so fine with that --- if that is what it takes to get my baby, then I am all for it.

However, what if we go that route and are unsuccessful? Then what???? I can't think about it - it is driving me nuts!! I wish my body wasn't defective....:angry1:

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Although I'm thankful that this is a 3 day weekend and I don't have to work Smile and I love spending time with DH Smile ~ I have been so depressed this weekend. Saturday I spent most of the day in bed. I didn't care to watch tv, to read, to browse the net, nothing. DH finally got me up to take me out to dinner. And then yesterday, the same thing except we had plans in the afternoon. Thanks to my Eeyore type behavior we were late, but I couldn't help it. I've been crying, sleeping, crying, sleeping.
I'm scared that DH and I will never have a baby of our own.

I'm scared that the endo has come back, and this time with a vengeance. I've had some funky dull pains on my left side that seem to go down into my upper leg. On my right side, I'm feeling what may be another cyst on my ovary (this happened last month and this is the ovary I probably O'd from).
I'm scared that my eggs SUCK and there is nothing we could do to "fix" this.
I'm scared my RE will tell me to try IUI one more time, and it won't work.
I'm scared that when we hit the IVF road, it won't work.
I'm scared to think about what will happen if none of the treatments work.

Sorry for sounding like such a pessimist. Lately I seem to turn into a depressive monster when I *feel* or find out that my treatment cycle failed.

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Ok, so I'm feeling a little better tonight. Still not optimistic, but not as depressed. DH just took me shopping and took me out to dinner ~ I guess that had something to do with me feeling a little better Wink

I will say that I am sick of taking this progesterone. I'm not liking the s/e. I've had a stomachache, major bloating, and some funky cramping. The cramps feel like they do before I get a (tmi) heavy AF - I'm scared I am going to start bleeding a week early. Ugh.

On a lighter note, DH and I were looking at things online and I glanced at my FF chart. It was funny b/c at a glance we both thought the chart spelled *MOM* ~ well, it's more like *MUM*. We were laughing. Talk about overanalyzing. Geez!

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Tomorrow morning is my RE appt ~ I'm feeling so nervous. This is my second treatment cycle post miscarriage (fourth total). I don't know what he is going to recommend next. I have a feeling he is going to recommend one more injectable/IUI cycle and then recommend we proceed to something more aggressive - IVF. If this is the case, I have absolutely no problem with it; however, I am scared to death that it wouldn't work for me and if that happened, then what????

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Well, if I'm not pg this cycle, we are moving on to IVF.

Unfortunately, I haven't felt that this cycle was successful since my IUI. I go in on Monday for a BPT to confirm this.

Assuming it's a BFN, DH and I met for an hour with our RE and he gave us his recommendation. He shared that for someone who is my age and with my "issues", he recommends that next cycle we pursue IVF. DH and I were kinda surprised....well, not surprised, just overwhelmed. I felt that this day may come and I'd have to face the fact that I would need more aggressive treatment. Honestly, I thought he was going to tell me that we would try one more round of IUI/injectables before moving on. He said after what I've already done, I could consider having another lap, but that didn't seem to make sense. He said instead, IVF would be the best option to help us conceive. He indicated that I do have multiple diagnoses; however, he is most concerned with my elevated FSH....

So we developed a tentative plan of action. Tomorrow DH and I will be going in to sign the consent forms. I then have a baseline u/s on Tuesday. (I will also need to drive by and pick up a few thousand dollars worth of medicine at the pharmacy this day). I will continue to take the prometrium and estrace until 9-17, on 9-13 I will start snaryel (sp?). I have a mock ET scheduled for 9-20 and my first monitoring u/s on 9-26 (I will be starting 225IU of Follistim daily prior to this day - I think). The RE estimates an ER around Oct. 2-6 and ET 3-5 days later. He also said that for 50% of my eggs, they will use ICSI procedure.

All I can say is wow. Part of me is super excited and part of me is super scared. This is very overwhelming and is happening so fast. Although, I'd much rather have it happen fast ~ I'd hate to have to sit around and wait. The anticipation would drive me nuts. But everything always seems to work out..........

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We signed our consent forms for IVF ... I still can't believe it!

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I took a BPT this morning and was too scared to call for the results (I didn't want to hear that it was a BFN).

I go in tomorrow for my baseline u/s --- I'm praying for no cysts so that I can start my meds for IVF!!! I'm ready to get this process started and ready to get one step closer to my BFP!!!!!! I pray that this is it!!!!

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I had my baseline u/s this morning ~ good news/bad news.
Bad news, I'm not pg (surprise, surprise!)
Good news, I have NO cysts and I can start meds for IVF!!!!!!
Here's my protocol so far:
Now - 9-17 - Continue taking Estrace & Prometrium
9-13 - Start Syneral in the am and pm
9-20 - Mock ET
9-21 - Continue Syneral in the am and pm, Start 225 IU of Follistim in pm
9-24 - Blood Test
9-26 - 9-29 - u/s monitoring
10-2 - 10-6 - Estimated ER
10-5 - 10-9 - Estimated ET

I picked up my meds this morning as well. I hope this is it for me!!!!!

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I started Syneral today ~ it's a nasal spray. I spray one time in the am and pm. It's a lot easier to use than the injections; however, I feel concerned that I may not be getting my full dose (due to user error).... I think I'm just being paranoid b/c I don't want to screw this up!!!!

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:bluesad:So I signed off pg.org and decided to check my email - sure enough there it was. An email that another friend is pregnant. With # 2. I feel so heartbroken and the tears won't stop... I think this hurts even worse because she's due close to the time I would have been due had I been able to sustain my pregnancy. I'm feeling so horrible right now.

Lately, I've been at the obvious stage of not wanting to hear about pregnancies, see pregnant women, or hold little newborns. I don't know how to say this, and you may think I am very strange, but lately I've been feeling that when I DO become pregnant I will feel blessed, will jump for joy, and will be overly ecstatic. What may sound strange is that when I DO become pregnant I don't want to send out these "I'm pregnant" emails, etc...I will be scared to share this news being scared of experiencing another loss and I don't want to upset anyone that I may not know is suffering from infertility, etc, etc... I want the focus to be on DH, me, and baby.....I don't know....maybe I'm feeling like I need to shut everyone out right now in order to protect myself....

I'm just rambling now. I can't focus.:bluesad:

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Back from the RE and feeling good!!!!! I woke up this morning to some spotting, but the dr said that was ok and could be expected.

I had a mock embryo transfer this morning. When I arrived the nurse asked if I had a full bladder (I had just used the restroom!!!). I shared that I didn't know that I was supposed to have a full bladder (I read all the paperwork, it's not in there!). They said it was ok and they would proceed anyways (phew!). The nurse conducted a pelvic u/s on me as the RE inserted two catheters at two different times. He was telling the nurse some measurement (5 lines?) and said all was good. When the catheter was placed in my uterus, I felt slightly uncomfortable (kinda like my biopsy, but no so painful). I think it felt this way b/c I was crampy to begin with...

The RE asked if I had any other questions. I learned that they do not do PGD (genetic testing) as he shared that it's not recommended for my case, the accuracy of the results are not that great, and there is no data to support increased pregnancy rates. I trust his recommendation and pray that all is healthy!!

I also learned that DH will be able to bring his "boys" to the lab the morning of the egg retrieval. I think he's been somewhat worried about maybe having to do it at the clinic.

I asked about my recent weight gain (I'm regularly 110.5 lbs but yesterday woke up to 114.5!! Oh my!). The nurse said it is very possible and likely that the weight gain was from the meds.

Before I left, I had to make my payment.....$9900, plus $400 for the anesthesia. The financial coordinator shared that I was getting a "deal". I was grandfathered in under the old price (the price recently went up to 10,800). Also, by paying the clinic, I avoid paying 7500 for the OR and 4000 for the anesthesia! Regardless, this money will be WELL spent when I get that BFP in a few weeks!!!! Smile

So... Monday morning I need to wake up really early (it will be hard since I'm going to a concert Sunday night!!) for bloodwork. I then have to be available by phone at 2:30 so that they can give me the results. I then start my u/s monitoring on Wednesday.

Listen up ovaries....I need you to start producing!!!! C'mon follies....grow, grow, grow........ (can you tell I'm excited???? hehe Smile )

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I feel like I've been hit by a truck...

Just as I finally let myself get excited and I start to actually feel HAPPY, DH gets the phone call. His sister who is almost 10 years younger is 7 weeks pregnant. She told him this was not planned. I burst into tears. Now I get to hear more of the "I thought you were going to be first" comments, now I will be expected to throw a baby shower, now I will be again surrounded by baby talk, baby gifts, pregnancy talk. I want this all to go away. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to handle this.

As I was crying, I told DH I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just feeling terribly angry. I can't help it. I also told him with the holidays around the corner, pregnant or not, I do not want to spend time with the family. I think I'd like to go away somewhere. I can't be around all the "joys of pregnancies" during these family times. Sounds selfish, I know. But my mind is set on focusing on me. I'm trying really really hard.

I told DH that even when I do become pg, I do not want to tell anyone. I guess I am feeling that people will not understand what it took to get where I hope to be. I feel unless you've been surrounded by infertility or have personal experiences with infertility you won't truly understand how much I will appreciate having a baby of my own.

Lord help me. Sad

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I'm still in shock over SIL's unexpected pregnancy. DH has been great. I know he will do what he can to protect me....us....from baby talk, etc...

As far as the IVF process is going...
I started stims Friday night - 225 IU and I am continuing Syarel. I took it last night and last night it was the first time I had to take it with me! We were at a restaurant with my family, DH and I had to sneak out to the car! It worked out fine. I have to take it again with me tonight to the concert and tomorrow we will be celebrating my sister's bday so I'll have to travel with it again.

I go in tomorrow morning for my b/w. Around 2:30, they will call me to tell me whether or not to increase/decrease my dose. ***Fingers Crossed***

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Sigh. I went in for b/w yesterday morning at 7:30. I was supposed to receive a call with the results at 2:30. I didn't hear from them so I called in at 3:15. They said they were still waiting for the labs and they hadn't forgotten about me.

Well, I never got a call. DH and I proceeded with our normal dose. If I don't hear from them today, I will see them tomorrow for my first scan!! I really am hoping that they see some good follicles (and that there are a lot!!). ***Fingers Crossed***

The shots haven't been bad at all. The shot at the concert wasn't too bad. Kinda hard to do in a small area while standing, but it worked. Last night, DH and I were able to do the shot in the car. Fortunately, I anticipate being at home the rest of the week in the evening....thank goodness because I'm tired!!!

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I had my first scan today.
I've finally calmed down (for the most part).
Here's the breakdown:

Monday's Estradiol - 118 (they want it b/w 50-200)
Today's lining - 3.2 (we may start estrace early - depends on Friday's scan)
Follicles - after 2 different scans on 2 different machines with the NP and with the RE, they found that I have only 2 follicles on the left side (12, 11) and 3 on the right (16, 12, 8..)

My RE said that the average person produces 10-12 follicles on each side, and of those follicles, maybe 9 eggs are retrieved from each side, maybe 5 are good quality, and only a few fertilize. He didn't make me feel so hopeful for this cycle. He wasn't being rude, just honest. My body sucks.

The NP tried to change the subject. After telling me that everyone varies, she told me how she had a patient with 39 follicles and she said that this wasn't good as opposed to have a few good ones.

My goal: Stay Positive. Stay Focused. Pray, Pray, Pray. I need to believe that this can work this cycle!!

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My Post on the IVF board from yesterday:
I had my second u/s this morning ~ I wasn't expecting this:

I went to have my estradiol levels checked then I arrived for my u/s. The NP wasn't saying anything as she was measuring the follicles. I told her I felt some things last night and I was hoping that was good news. She didn't say anything.

Finally, she said that I have 2 measurable follies on my left side (both at 14) - this is what they found 2 days ago, but on my right, I now only have 1 (also measuring 14). WTF!?!? I asked if the other 2 dissipated? She said she couldn't give me an answer. She wonders if she measured blood vessels that looked the follicles, but she didn't have a clue.

She said the minimum follicles required for IVF is 3, so we could proceed; however, she doesn't recommend it. She recommends that we proceed instead with another IUI and then start the next IVF cycle with a more aggressive attitude ~ of course she said "If you're not pg" - I told her not to worry, I wasn't that lucky. Oh, and, really I only have 1 follicle, the 2 on my left don't count (IMO) b/c I have a blocked left tube. Great.

She is going to run this all by the RE when he gets in this morning, but it looks like I will have my IUI on Tuesday and then I will look forward to my baseline u/s on October 16. At this time, they want to start me on the hormones, Synarel, 450 IU of Follistim, and this time they want to add Menopur. They said they will call me later after consulting with the RE, but I'm not holding my breath...they don't usually call.

Sorry for being such a downer. I really hate my body right now. It is really hard to focus and really hard to be positive. I mean, how the heck can I believe that I can ever get pg when I'm told that my body won't cooperate with one of the most aggressive forms of treatment. I'm going nuts.

Oh and I have a baby shower this weekend (not going!), SIL is pg and my in law's are already planning holiday parties (not wanting to go to those either). SadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSad

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Yesterday I spoke to my mom and a few co-workers about what I was dealing with (minus the IVF). They know I'm taking fertility drugs, but I don't want to face judgment if they find out about attempting conception through IUI or IVF (actually, when I do get pg, I don't want them to look at my baby and think of how they were conceived - that's not important). Anyways, everyone I told was very sensitive and caring. My mom was trying to give me hope - by saying I was able to get pg once, so we know I do have some eggs.....Two of my co workers were doing what they could to help "problem solve" as they said they wished they could "fix" this for me.

I left work very sad. We had a softball game last night and usually I am very excited to play. I wasn't feeling it. However, I needed to play. Unfortunately I wasn't focused and as a ball was hit to me, I got nailed right in the chest (ouch!). I was very upset and tried not to cry. It wasn't about getting hit. I just wasn't focused b/c I can't get my mind off of my crappy body. I do not want to feel sorry for myself but knowing that I am dealing with IF b/c of something I have no control over is driving me nuts.

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