Praying for a healthy LO in 2010!

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Praying for a healthy LO in 2010!

So an introduction... My name is Joee. I am 31 years old, and have two beautiful Sons... Ryan, who is 6 and Everit who will be a year old on July 2nd! We were pregnant this year, but sadly we lost her at 15 weeks. (here is a link to her story: Taylin Jo) I have been a PG.Org member for two years now, and I am also a co-host on the July 08 board. I admit, I love this place, and have made some amazing friendships here.

I was going to blog about my TTC journey. But something told me not to. So happy there is a place here I can do this, where people who WANT to read the gory details can. And yesh. this will be an all out TMI fest!

I can say this... I have never had an issue getting pregnant. I am a little nervous that I feel the need to write about my journey... as if it may be some precursor to future issues. I pray that it not the case, and this journal will be short and sweet. Either way, i am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

Onto the journaling!

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June 16, 2009. AM

I am 18 days post miscarriage. I have been spotting for the last 12 days, and I am getting a little nervous about this. It seems that so many that have gone through a "natural" miscarriage almost inevitably end up needing a D&C at some point. I do not want another procedure, for many reasons. I do not have insurance anymore... I do not want to be in pain, I do NOT want to delay the TTC process any longer than I have to! And, I AM FREAKING HORNY! yes! I want to have sex with my husband! And as long as I keep spotting, there is a risk of infection. Both DH and I agree that we are not willing to take that risk...

So this morning was the first that I did not have any visible pink or brown spotting. It was yellowish, with a little CM mixed in as well. Also, I did not see any tissue at all. I have had tissue pass every day, even if it was just a tiny bit. So PLEASE LORD! Please let this be the end.

I have Fertility Friend, the VIP thing. And I realized what a waste it is not to use it to its full capacity, by not temping. But I am torn. I really have no cycle issues... I am very very regular, and can pretty much tell when I O (at least within a few days of it) and I have never had an issue catching the egg.... yes I am one of those woman to be hated! First shot, all three pregnancies! So the temping thing seems so silly for me to do. I decided that I will chill for a few cycles (if I dont get PG right away) and if I see a problem emerging then I will take that step.

I read the Shettles Method book cover to cover (as we would love to have a daughter). I think I got the 1970 version, ROFL! According to that version, the OPK had not yet been invented, and douching was still recommended... ROFL ROFL!!! As if! But, outdated info aside, the cycle information was invaulable to me. And It seems that trying for a girl is quite complicated. I am very much a Christian, and very much believe that GOD decides when you get a baby, and what its gonna be. So, Mr Shettles, thanks for the info, but when it comes time to TTC, I am going pray instead of concentrating on charts and orgasms...

And finally, let it be known that I LOVE THE LORD, and will try every day to put my faith and trust in HIM.

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June 16, 2009 pm

Well, well.. so much for that. I lost more tissue today, more than I have in a few days actually, and the spotting has increased. Great. Flippin' flappin' great.

I spoke with the nurse, and at first she was ok with the spotting. But when I mentioned the tissue loss, she got kinda quiet and said she would have to let the doc know and call me back. Thats right, worst freaking fears realized... I may need a D&C... my heart is in my toenails right now.

I cancelled the Medicaid already... How am I gonna pay for this? What if they will not help me??? I am already swimming in enough debt... its not an option for us to make payments on ANYTHING, seriously. Its bad. So bad. DH cannot take time off... I cannot be home alone with two kids recovering from a freaking D&C. And the emotional part, yeah well, just freaking forget it. I am gonna go nanners...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Lord I need your help.

UPDATE: So he said to wait a few more weeks... and if nothing changes or I start bleeding again to call... Crap, why cant they do an ultrasound or something? Check my HCG levels to see if they are going down??? Now I have two more weeks of worry and wonder. So not what i want right now. Seriously. Every time I wipe, I see parts of my baby on a freaking piece of toilet paper... and yes, that screws with my mind like no other. He said it probably wasn't tissue, just some old clotted blood...??? Mmm i think not.

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June 17, 2009 AM

Treated myself to a xanex yesterday after talking with the Doctor. I realize now, that there is not much else to do but wait. If things get worse, then that is how it is supposed to be, and I cannot control that in anyway. Thats Gods decision. I have prayed, others have prayed for me... what else is there to do? So I feel better this morning, although I really really wish it would just be over.

Only some light brown when I wipe, and I noticed a little more sticky CM as well.. I hope thats a good sign! And there has been no tissue thus far. Keeping my fingers crossed it stays that way.

So I had an epiphany..lol... I am gonna try to get some good cardio in every day. Excercise is my sworn enemy. I hate it. But for my health, and my sanity I think its time. I am not going to do anything crazy, like start running 6 miles a day. I know that starting a regimine like that could definetly affect my cycles, and that is NOT what I want. But I think shaving a pound or two off, and giving me somethimg to focus on may be beneficial. So I will replace my leisurely strolls with the boys to a fast paced walk, and push myself further every day that I can. Maybe in a few weeks I will be up for some toning excersises? I dunno...its all so foreign to me.

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June 17, 2009 PM

So the spotting continues... heavier after i took the walk to the library... wonder what that means? Still brown and mixed with CM though. Again, praying that is a good sign and not a bad one!

So I decided to get on with my Bankruptcy... that should give me plenty of distraction seeing as how I am going to do this without a lawyer! Go me! lol... its the first step towards completing my family... meaning I wont legally marry DH until I am financially clear. Once we are legally married, then we can get on with Ryans adoption process (crossing my fingers that his sperm donor dad signs that paperwork like he promised). By the time all this is finished, i should be married to my Soul Mate, have 3 or more beautiful children, and living the ol' American dream!

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June 18, 2009, early PM

Ok ok, so i don't want to jinx anything, lol. But the *spotting* seems to be G O N E today! Oh my goodness! Usually this is the time of day when it picks up and gets heavier! So far, so good! And I have been craving chocolate... and I really only crave that when you know who is on the way! i know, I know, 20 days of no bleeding before it can be considered true AF. But still, I am thinking that she may rear her ugly head soon enough! And IF things are going properly as I hope, then the last week of spotting can just be considered spotting, and may in fact have no bearing on my cycle!

Please please, Lord Jesus. Let this be the true end of this mess. I am so thankful for your mercy and help through all of this! I will be thankful regardless of the outcome, and continue to praise you! Amen.

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June 18, 2009 PM

Well, I just passed more tissue, and I KNOW this is tissue, becuase it was white and feathery. Old blood is not white and feathery! No more spotting though, thats good I guess! Or is it? I can't help but think that i am gonna end up with a big surprise here in a week or so. And sadly, I don't think its gonna be AF. OOOOH Joee! You just gotta be patient, trust in the Lord, and take it as it comes! I cannot dwell on an outcome that I have zero control over. Breathe.... its gonna be over soon. Maybe not when I think it should be, but in HIS time and HIS time is always soon enough.

*sigh*

ETA: Now I am having bright red blood, and starting to have enough to show on a pad... I feel kind of crampy too, although that could be just my imagination. Its more in my back than anything... something tells me I am going to be in the hospital or docs office soon. If its gonna happen, and I need a D&C, then PLEASE JUST LET IT FREAKING HAPPEN. Something, anything but this neverending wondering and waiting! Note to self: read above paragraph... and chill out.

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June 19, 2009 AM

So this morning more spotting... but its brown and yellowish again. No tissue that I have seen as of yet. I am hoping maybe that the blood yesterday was a "last hurrah" so to speak and NOW maybe I can get on with it. Of course, I have noticed that every morning its not so bad, and then by afternoon (after i am up moving around and busy) that the spotting gets worse. I don't know, I mean that could either way, right? Obviously, my body is expelling things, and that has to be ok no matter what. And the absence of heavy bleeding can mean one of two things... that my lining is building and cycles are getting back to normal, OR my body still thinks its pregnant and I am only waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I had to the cash to snag a few HPT's and see if HCG is still registering. I mean, if I get a huge fat dark line right away ,then I can call the doc woth confidence and say LOOK HERE... my body is obviously thinking its still knocked up! Maybe he would give me a progesterone shot or something... And if the line is light, or not at all, then I can breath a sigh of relief, and realize that my body is just taking its sweet a$$ time to do the deed.

No cash+stress+horny+over it= BLAH!

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June 20, 2009

Same old same old.. brown in the morning, red surge in the evening. Whatever. One more week before someone in the medical field might actually be concerned over this.

DH is GRUMPY. Bad bad grumpy. I do not want to be near him right now. We are broke, he is over it, feels like a failure I guess. I have tried everything I know to cheer him up, but he is just being a ****. I know that not everyday can be joyful, lol. But I always make an effort to at least not mope around and treat everyone like crap. Not him. If he's in a mood, he makes damn sure everyone else is too. I haven't even offered to make him any breakfast. He will just say "im not that hungry" and pout even more because I forced him to feel bad about it. Oh do I know this pattern or what?

And I can't help but notice he gets this way on every holiday, or "important" day if you will. He was a complete jerk on Ryans birthday, and I don't even want to TALK about my birthday and Mothers Day. That was freaking horrible. So here comes Fathers day, and look who's being an *** again! I know it stems from not having the cash to get/give gifts. Men put SO much value into material things. I guess they feel like they haven't done right if cash was not exchanged. Wish I could convince him that material means nothing. Ah well, not my problem i guess. I will just hide here on the computer and let his sorry *** pout.

Oh, and just for good measure....... :violent2: :angry1: DIE GRUMPIES DIE!!!!

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June 21, 2009

So I was so awesome yesterday. NO spotting after the morning.. nothing! So we DTD last night (not the trying kind, just the recreational! lol) and then just know I had some red again... Is it because of the DTD do you think? I hope so... Actually at this point, who freaking cares. Eventually, this will be over. And I am going to DTD and just live my life until it is... I already know the Docs dont care until I have made it to their time limit, lol. So whatevers.

Oh, and DH and eventually had a nice argument, which led to happiness. We both decided that we need to STOP basing our joy on material things, and appreciate what we have. No, its not easy or fun to count out pennies to buy milk... but we need to be thankful that we even have the pennies to count! I hope our talk leads to a more content life. I mean, we really very rarely get into a tissy with eachother, but the money problems put so much strain on both of us. I think this mindset change will be helpful.

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June 22, 2009

Well, not much in the way of spotting. Just a few drops here and there for yesterday. Also had some way way wet CM that was literally dripping out of me (sorry for that way TMI there). Of course, I have no clue what it all means and, if anything, lol. But no blood is good I guess.

This morning there is nothing at all. Nada. And I even went for it and sat in the hot tub yesterday at the In laws. I just cannot continue on as if I am disabled any longer. And to repeat myself again, I am going to live my life... DTD when I want, hot tub it, bathe, whatevers. I do not feel as if I am threatened by any infection, but if I am, then let it be! at this point I am ready for something bad to happen just so the docs will regard my concerns.

Anyhoo, I have the car today and I EVEN HAVE MONEY!! Thank you Daddy! So I am going to shop for Everits birthday, get some groceries, and I will be picking up at least $10 worth of dollar tree pee tests. I am gonna POAS today and see if anything registers. If it does I WILL call the doc and see what they say about it. I am praying of course that I have a blaring white test, and can finally feel some comfort! Oh, and how much fun will it be to have all those tests on hand? ROFL when this cycle is over I am going to be a peeing fool. Oh fun! I LOVE TO POAS!

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June 22, 2009 PM

Well after a tiring yet eventful day of shopping, I am wiped out and ready to report the results!!!

BLARING WHITE BF MUTHA FRICKEN.. N!!! WOOT! BFN!!!

So that means that my HCG is defienely below at least 25... and the spotting was barely anything today, mostly watery cm. So if everything goes good, we will be on the TTC train in maybe 4-6 weeks! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Maybe even earlier?? Who knows? All I know is I was SO happy to see that BFN! Thank you LORD!

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June 23, 2009

No spotting, no nothing! Woot! I even feel a little bloated today... but I could easily chalk that up to the Carls JR I had for lunch yesterday.Plus I did not drink my usualy gallon of water like I do. Either way, no spotting, a BFN! I feel so good about that.

So I must ponder now... if the MC is indeed over... I wonder about the HCG. How long sfter it nosedives do we get another cycle moving? I am thinking, because I essentially gave birth VS a D&C or a natural miscarriage, that maybe all that spotting is quite normal, and I could possibly expect AF in no more than three weeks from now, right? I am running off the 6 weeks to get AF after having a baby theory. Oh I hope so!

Now to speculate even further.... again using the PP AF theory... I gave birth on May 30th. That means I can expect AF no later than July 13. Seeing as how I usually ovulate somewhere between cycle day 14-18... so that would be around July 29 (just picking an average here...) If I concieve, I would be due... WOW! APRIL! WOW! OOOHHHH! That would be BEYOND sweet! WOOTY WOOT!

*sigh* I love to dream.

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June 23, 2009 PM!

OMG! EWCM!!! WOOOT! not the best of the best, but its for sure I am gearing to O! That means that AF is due in about two weeks! OMG OMG OMG!!! WOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

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June 24, 2009

Well, the spotting is G O N E. And I am flipping back and fer between wet and EWCM. Cool. I am not trying obviously, so I dont care if I o or not. Just as long as my body thinks it is, thats fine by me!

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June 25, 2009

Good thing I have a cold, lol. Yesterday i was thinking (stupidly) that i would lure DH to bed and see if we couldn't catch an egg. DUMB JOEE!!! Ack i am such a ninny sometimes. Its only (hopefully) a month or so away..lol...the Lord forgot patience when he made me... and he forgot boobs too ROFL Sorry Lord, I had to take care of that one on my own!

I have been playing on the debate board, and I am having a blast. I am really enjoying reading all these different points of view. I am amazed by some of the ladies on there. they are very intelilgent. Others, well, lol... I think they just have big ideas. I had been lurking there for a long time, reading, checking out the debate methods, recognizing the ones I did not want to cross paths with. I think I am doing fairly well so far holding my own. LOL... I hope.

I read Taylins story yesterday. it made me cry. I hadn't read it in a few weeks. I am proud of myself. I handled (handling) this very well. And I everythign I wrote then, in the heat of the moment, still stands true! I feel the same way... and I am not grieving as hard as some would think. I am truly happy she is with Jesus.

Okay, thats all!

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June 26, 2009

Still spot free! And the CM is no longer tinted either! CM changes like 5 times a day, lol. But thats to be expected!

So I am so happy to have a few new boards to Mod! And since this is MY Journal, i give permission to spam! LOL

Do You See a Line?

and Paranormal Phenomena

Come check em out!!!!

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June 27, 2009

Definetly spot free! Some creamy CM... DH and I have been DTD like rabbits, lol! Practicing for the big one!

We went shopping, I found Everit his climby thing! Woot! And we bit the bullet and bought a new pool. Ryan just adores swimming, and lives in the pool all summer. we couldn't afford it, but I am not going to deny My Son his right to enjoy his summer! NOt to mention its flippin hot here!

5 days till my baby turns 1! OMG!

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June 28, 2009

Man oh man, am I bloated! and I have those tell-tale zits popping up too!!! I think AF is near.. no more than a week I am estimating!

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June 29, 2009

Such a nice weekend. We spent a little too much on the boys as usual... but damnit they are worth it! We got a new swimming pool. We just had to. Ryan LIVES in the pool during the summer. It would have not been summer without it! And Everit is a water baby too... We were surprised that the pool was warm enough to swim in yesterday! Usually it takes a few. But its been butt hot.

Sorry there just isn't much to report on the TTC front. Waiting on AF is a long slow road! But there is definetly still no spotting or anything of the like, so thats good! COME ON AF!

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June 30, 2009

I did not want to DTD last night! So much so, that I even told DH that I was super sorry, but not in the mood. He took it well, and said I have to give it to him twice as good tonight ROFL I don't know how to take that, I mean, I am pretty much always up for DTD! Maybe AF? Maybe I just have too much on my mind.

Oh, and waiting for AF is poo.

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July 1, 2009

My baby turns 1 tomorrow! WOOT! I can hardly believe that... man what a big boy!

Went to our Wic appt today... cool thing is they will continue to give me wic for another 6 months! Crazy cool! It helps us SOOOO much during the month, I am eternally grateful to that program...

Everit weighed in at 23 lbs 10 oz and 29" long! Tall and skinny lol!

Still no sign of AF. Well, unless you count hungry as a sign, lol! Then yes!

Eh... this will get more intersting once she gets here!

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July 1, 2009

I forgot to say that last night we BD (like Monkey's in heat :ROFL:) and after my lower abs ached and ached, kinda like my ovaries were aching. It wasn't a horrible pain, just kind of dull. Don't know why I needed to say that, but I did. Okay. Significance is debatable.

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July 6, 2009

Good Grief what a long weekend, lol! We have been so busy! But Everits party was a success. We had fun. And HE LOVED his wagon that the G-Unit got him! Sooo cute eating hims cake too... I cannot believe my baby is one! And I cannot believe the disaster in my kitchen! LOL!

So, I have brown spotting this morning... and I feel like AF is here full force, so I am praying for full bleeding! I usually never ever spot... just gush and go, lol. But I have the backache, the cramps, and the runny poos. So I feel like she is here and ready to rock! FINGERS CROSSED! Biggrin

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July 7, 2009

Well so much for that. Just some brown/reddish spotting and its gone today so far. I mean, it felt just like AF! Cramps and everything. Its all gone, even the bloating! Ah well... I will do what I have been doing my whole life... waiting.

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July 7, 2009

Now I have this watery yellow-brown discharge going on. Very scant, very light. No red or pink to speak of. Very Odd indeed. I am starting to feel crampy again, but only in the front. Not like the back cramp period pain I was feeling yesterday. I just feel wet. Maybe it is my body gearing to O? I know that I had some EWCM a few weeks ago, but that was at the very end of the spotting, so who knows. It could have been anything.

Of course, then I am thinking, like a dumb a$$, maybe I am accidently PG and this is implant spotting? My boobs are sore and I am moody as all get out. But then again, thats PMS crap too. And that one website (the good one) said that I may think I am pg when in fact I am not, and the hormones are just trying to level out.

What I cannot finger on, is why on earth if you have a LIVE birth, things are so cut and dry...but when you miscarry its like your whole body just goes bananas? Makes no damn sense to me at all. This Saturday will mark 6 weeks since MC...so if nothing has happened by then, well, I guess i will have to call the docs and see what they say. HA! I know what they will say already..."Wait a week, if no AF then we will put you on BC blah blah blah." Pass. I don't want BC. I don't want to hear all their mumbo jumbo. Really, its too much to bear.

COME ON AF! You stupid retchid witch! Get here, get gone! GET HERE AND GET GONE I SAY!

:help1:

ETA: Ok im gonna regret this but here goes... I have been taking my prenatels religiously since the MC. And after the bleeding stopped, I started having the "vitamin pees" ya know, the bright yellow ones? Like your body cannot use all that you put in so it spits it back out. well the last two day I have noticed that I have not had any vitamin pees at all. Im NOT going to say it and Jinx myself...okay yes I am. LOL. Weird spotting, lack of vitamin pees, getting up to pee again at night? Sore boobies and mood swings? I just tried to eat a piece of turkey and I spit it out, tasted like HELL. Craving Arizona iced teas like mad lol. regular ice tea will not do.

Someone talk me out of this madness please. I swore i would not do this to myself. But I cannot step away from the what if's to save my life. Seriously, WHAT IF?

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July 8, 2009

CD 1 !!!!

Thats right! I am bleeding like a stuck pig and very happy to be doing so! WOOOOT! I guess my speculation yesterday worked like a charm, lol! I HEART Murphy's law!

Anyhoo, its a nice medium-heavy flow! No clots or anything scary, just good old AF and her af'ness!

Lets get this party started! WOOOHOOOOO!

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June 9, 2009

I am scared. I am having severe pain in my nether regions. It started last night. It feels a lot like gas pains, pushing down on my bottom. It gets extremely intense, and very very sharp. especially when I get up from a sitting postition. It gets bad for awhile, then calms down, then starts again. I had a BM this morning, and I am bleeding pretty heavy. I cannot figure out what this could be. I am having a hard time even understanding where the pain is to be honest. I feel it in my vaginal area, in my lower tummy, and alot of it feels like its in my *TMI* anus. So much pressure. Ack. This cannot be good. I was crying earlier it hurt so bad. I don't want to go to the ER.

Anyone who may read this, please pray for me. I don't have insurance anymore. i cannot afford an ER visit. I don;t know what this is! Help please! Anyone?

Dear Heavenly Father, please heal this pain.

ETA: So I just passed a huge clot of tissue and other junk... maybe that was the source of the pain? I hope so... if thats true then is this AF or just my MC finishing itself? UGH!

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July 9, 2009

well the pain keeps going in and out in and out. I have been looking on the interent of course, scaring myself to death. It sounds so much like a fibriod gone out of control. I know I have them, because that is what they docs suspect caused Taylin to pass on. So the pressure, the pain, yeah. Could be all fibriod related.

I have been waiting for over 2 hours for my doc to call. I hate that they do that to people. If I call the office, it is for a genuine concern and the should have the respect to call back in a reasonable amount of time. Even if they don't know what to say, at least call and let me know they are working on it!!!

So I have decided that it is not gas that is causing this, but when I am having "normal" gas it just worsens the problem 10 fold. I also cannot put a tampon in. That causes excrutiaing pain. And I am out of normal pads so i am changing a stupid panty liner every 1/2 hour. Good thing I have a million of those!

What I really want to do more than anything is take a shower. But I know if I do they will call, lol. So I wait, stinkin up the house, miserable, and irritated. My poor kids. I am SO not getting mom of the week award.

****ING CALL ASSHOLES!

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July 9, 2009

STILL NO CALL FROM DOC.

And I am STILL looking on the internet, lol. Now I think that maybe ENDO could be to blame, although I have never had an endo-related symptom before, it causes the same kinds of pains I am having right now. The ibuprofin really takes a bite out, but only for a few hours then its back with avengance. Reality check, how much ibuprofin should a girl take, really? I have already taken two 800 mg. doses today.

either way, its hardly an emergency situation, which is good. Now I think I may have to seek out insurance somehow to get started with some testing. Meanwhile, whatever the stupid doc says if he EVER calls back, lol... I will do what he says and go from there. Off to find myself some insurance.

ETA: Doc called back, he is sorry it hurts but does not see any cause for immediate concern. He agrees it may be a fibroid wreaking havoc, or maybe just some unhappy and undue pain associated with the MC. Anyway, I am glad he is not terrible worried. That puts me at ease a bit. But knowing that there may possibly be this out of control fibroid running amok in my uterus makes me very scared to TTC. I don't think i would do well with another loss, at least not this soon. Ok, yeah, like any time is not good. Hmmmm... decisions decisions.

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July 10, 2009

THE PAIN HAS GONE!!! WOOOOOOT!!! I am so happy! I had a few twinges this morning after emptying my bladder, but it left and I can BREATHE again! Whew! So this kind of scares me, because I don't want every period to be like this from now on. Praying it was just an awful AF, one time shot. PLEASE! LOL!

Bleeding is still pretty heavy, but I figured on that. At least I can put a tampon in today THANK GOODNESS. Pads are so gross.

So I am hoping AF leaves by day 5, which would be about 2 days longer than normal, but again, expected due to the MC. If that works out, and O comes when she should (CD 16-18) then I am looking at an April 14th EDD if all goes well. I think that is actually my Aunts or my cousins birthday...lol.. can't remember which!

Anyway, April is a nice month, don't you think? If not April, I may skip May altogether. Mine is may 3rd, Ryan's in May 6th, Stepmoms is May 5th, Gmas is May 15th, and there are more i can't remember right now lol. May is an expensive month.

*sigh* so nice to have a goal, with dates associated! It feels real again!

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July 12, 2009

Amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye, isn't it?

So, Friday, I was informed (lets say by a little birdy) that my landlord is behind on his mortagage and getting close to foreclosure. So for the last three months, he has been living off of our rent money. Nice, right? I won't go into all the mumbo jumbo about it, but basically we have been given this gift of foresight, and we had to make a big decision. Obviously we are not going to stay here, paying this douchbag only for him to get is kicked out anyway.

So HD's parents graciously offered to let us stay with them for a while so we can get some money saved up and buy a home for ourselves. Super cool of them! I am not going to say living with them will be easy or fun, but it is an opportunity we cannot pass up if we ever want to climb out of our financial hole we have dug.

God is good. He has given us so many blessings, and I consider this yet another. so I called the Landlord today to tell him we were leaving. It was hard to play devils advocate, knowing full well that not only was he lying to us for three months, but lying through the whole conversation (oh gee, how will I EVER come up with next months payment? blah blah) But I held strong and steady. He took the news much better than I hoped. I just pray he stays in that frame of mind. While he has no legal recourse against whatsoever, I would not put anything past him either. He can be a real sue-happy guy.

So all of that being said, this journal is now on an indefinete hold. DH and will not be TTC. I am bummed, WAY more bummed than DH will ever know. I can't let him see how heartbroken I really am over this. He does not need that extra stress by any means. We both talked about it, and it sure wouldn't be fair for us, the kids, the parents, or a new baby. Now I am not going to say that an accident might not happen. Me and DH only use pull-out as BC. Surely, we have had no accidents in 4 years, but hey ya never know. Again, this is in God's hands. We know that now is not the time.

So, this will be my last entry. If we do TTC again, I will revive this one lol. Or, God willing, my next journal will be a pregnant one.

God Bless.