So an introduction... My name is Joee. I am 31 years old, and have two beautiful Sons... Ryan, who is 6 and Everit who will be a year old on July 2nd! We were pregnant this year, but sadly we lost her at 15 weeks. (here is a link to her story: Taylin Jo) I have been a PG.Org member for two years now, and I am also a co-host on the July 08 board. I admit, I love this place, and have made some amazing friendships here.
I was going to blog about my TTC journey. But something told me not to. So happy there is a place here I can do this, where people who WANT to read the gory details can. And yesh. this will be an all out TMI fest!
I can say this... I have never had an issue getting pregnant. I am a little nervous that I feel the need to write about my journey... as if it may be some precursor to future issues. I pray that it not the case, and this journal will be short and sweet. Either way, i am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.
I am 18 days post miscarriage. I have been spotting for the last 12 days, and I am getting a little nervous about this. It seems that so many that have gone through a "natural" miscarriage almost inevitably end up needing a D&C at some point. I do not want another procedure, for many reasons. I do not have insurance anymore... I do not want to be in pain, I do NOT want to delay the TTC process any longer than I have to! And, I AM FREAKING HORNY! yes! I want to have sex with my husband! And as long as I keep spotting, there is a risk of infection. Both DH and I agree that we are not willing to take that risk...
So this morning was the first that I did not have any visible pink or brown spotting. It was yellowish, with a little CM mixed in as well. Also, I did not see any tissue at all. I have had tissue pass every day, even if it was just a tiny bit. So PLEASE LORD! Please let this be the end.
I have Fertility Friend, the VIP thing. And I realized what a waste it is not to use it to its full capacity, by not temping. But I am torn. I really have no cycle issues... I am very very regular, and can pretty much tell when I O (at least within a few days of it) and I have never had an issue catching the egg.... yes I am one of those woman to be hated! First shot, all three pregnancies! So the temping thing seems so silly for me to do. I decided that I will chill for a few cycles (if I dont get PG right away) and if I see a problem emerging then I will take that step.
I read the Shettles Method book cover to cover (as we would love to have a daughter). I think I got the 1970 version, ROFL! According to that version, the OPK had not yet been invented, and douching was still recommended... ROFL ROFL!!! As if! But, outdated info aside, the cycle information was invaulable to me. And It seems that trying for a girl is quite complicated. I am very much a Christian, and very much believe that GOD decides when you get a baby, and what its gonna be. So, Mr Shettles, thanks for the info, but when it comes time to TTC, I am going pray instead of concentrating on charts and orgasms...
And finally, let it be known that I LOVE THE LORD, and will try every day to put my faith and trust in HIM.
Well, well.. so much for that. I lost more tissue today, more than I have in a few days actually, and the spotting has increased. Great. Flippin' flappin' great.
I spoke with the nurse, and at first she was ok with the spotting. But when I mentioned the tissue loss, she got kinda quiet and said she would have to let the doc know and call me back. Thats right, worst freaking fears realized... I may need a D&C... my heart is in my toenails right now.
I cancelled the Medicaid already... How am I gonna pay for this? What if they will not help me??? I am already swimming in enough debt... its not an option for us to make payments on ANYTHING, seriously. Its bad. So bad. DH cannot take time off... I cannot be home alone with two kids recovering from a freaking D&C. And the emotional part, yeah well, just freaking forget it. I am gonna go nanners...
Dear Heavenly Father,
Lord I need your help.
UPDATE: So he said to wait a few more weeks... and if nothing changes or I start bleeding again to call... Crap, why cant they do an ultrasound or something? Check my HCG levels to see if they are going down??? Now I have two more weeks of worry and wonder. So not what i want right now. Seriously. Every time I wipe, I see parts of my baby on a freaking piece of toilet paper... and yes, that screws with my mind like no other. He said it probably wasn't tissue, just some old clotted blood...??? Mmm i think not.
Treated myself to a xanex yesterday after talking with the Doctor. I realize now, that there is not much else to do but wait. If things get worse, then that is how it is supposed to be, and I cannot control that in anyway. Thats Gods decision. I have prayed, others have prayed for me... what else is there to do? So I feel better this morning, although I really really wish it would just be over.
Only some light brown when I wipe, and I noticed a little more sticky CM as well.. I hope thats a good sign! And there has been no tissue thus far. Keeping my fingers crossed it stays that way.
So I had an epiphany..lol... I am gonna try to get some good cardio in every day. Excercise is my sworn enemy. I hate it. But for my health, and my sanity I think its time. I am not going to do anything crazy, like start running 6 miles a day. I know that starting a regimine like that could definetly affect my cycles, and that is NOT what I want. But I think shaving a pound or two off, and giving me somethimg to focus on may be beneficial. So I will replace my leisurely strolls with the boys to a fast paced walk, and push myself further every day that I can. Maybe in a few weeks I will be up for some toning excersises? I dunno...its all so foreign to me.
So the spotting continues... heavier after i took the walk to the library... wonder what that means? Still brown and mixed with CM though. Again, praying that is a good sign and not a bad one!
So I decided to get on with my Bankruptcy... that should give me plenty of distraction seeing as how I am going to do this without a lawyer! Go me! lol... its the first step towards completing my family... meaning I wont legally marry DH until I am financially clear. Once we are legally married, then we can get on with Ryans adoption process (crossing my fingers that his sperm donor dad signs that paperwork like he promised). By the time all this is finished, i should be married to my Soul Mate, have 3 or more beautiful children, and living the ol' American dream!
Ok ok, so i don't want to jinx anything, lol. But the *spotting* seems to be G O N E today! Oh my goodness! Usually this is the time of day when it picks up and gets heavier! So far, so good! And I have been craving chocolate... and I really only crave that when you know who is on the way! i know, I know, 20 days of no bleeding before it can be considered true AF. But still, I am thinking that she may rear her ugly head soon enough! And IF things are going properly as I hope, then the last week of spotting can just be considered spotting, and may in fact have no bearing on my cycle!
Please please, Lord Jesus. Let this be the true end of this mess. I am so thankful for your mercy and help through all of this! I will be thankful regardless of the outcome, and continue to praise you! Amen.
Well, I just passed more tissue, and I KNOW this is tissue, becuase it was white and feathery. Old blood is not white and feathery! No more spotting though, thats good I guess! Or is it? I can't help but think that i am gonna end up with a big surprise here in a week or so. And sadly, I don't think its gonna be AF. OOOOH Joee! You just gotta be patient, trust in the Lord, and take it as it comes! I cannot dwell on an outcome that I have zero control over. Breathe.... its gonna be over soon. Maybe not when I think it should be, but in HIS time and HIS time is always soon enough.
ETA: Now I am having bright red blood, and starting to have enough to show on a pad... I feel kind of crampy too, although that could be just my imagination. Its more in my back than anything... something tells me I am going to be in the hospital or docs office soon. If its gonna happen, and I need a D&C, then PLEASE JUST LET IT FREAKING HAPPEN. Something, anything but this neverending wondering and waiting! Note to self: read above paragraph... and chill out.
So this morning more spotting... but its brown and yellowish again. No tissue that I have seen as of yet. I am hoping maybe that the blood yesterday was a "last hurrah" so to speak and NOW maybe I can get on with it. Of course, I have noticed that every morning its not so bad, and then by afternoon (after i am up moving around and busy) that the spotting gets worse. I don't know, I mean that could either way, right? Obviously, my body is expelling things, and that has to be ok no matter what. And the absence of heavy bleeding can mean one of two things... that my lining is building and cycles are getting back to normal, OR my body still thinks its pregnant and I am only waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I had to the cash to snag a few HPT's and see if HCG is still registering. I mean, if I get a huge fat dark line right away ,then I can call the doc woth confidence and say LOOK HERE... my body is obviously thinking its still knocked up! Maybe he would give me a progesterone shot or something... And if the line is light, or not at all, then I can breath a sigh of relief, and realize that my body is just taking its sweet a$$ time to do the deed.
Same old same old.. brown in the morning, red surge in the evening. Whatever. One more week before someone in the medical field might actually be concerned over this.
DH is GRUMPY. Bad bad grumpy. I do not want to be near him right now. We are broke, he is over it, feels like a failure I guess. I have tried everything I know to cheer him up, but he is just being a ****. I know that not everyday can be joyful, lol. But I always make an effort to at least not mope around and treat everyone like crap. Not him. If he's in a mood, he makes damn sure everyone else is too. I haven't even offered to make him any breakfast. He will just say "im not that hungry" and pout even more because I forced him to feel bad about it. Oh do I know this pattern or what?
And I can't help but notice he gets this way on every holiday, or "important" day if you will. He was a complete jerk on Ryans birthday, and I don't even want to TALK about my birthday and Mothers Day. That was freaking horrible. So here comes Fathers day, and look who's being an *** again! I know it stems from not having the cash to get/give gifts. Men put SO much value into material things. I guess they feel like they haven't done right if cash was not exchanged. Wish I could convince him that material means nothing. Ah well, not my problem i guess. I will just hide here on the computer and let his sorry *** pout.
Oh, and just for good measure....... DIE GRUMPIES DIE!!!!
So I was so awesome yesterday. NO spotting after the morning.. nothing! So we DTD last night (not the trying kind, just the recreational! lol) and then just know I had some red again... Is it because of the DTD do you think? I hope so... Actually at this point, who freaking cares. Eventually, this will be over. And I am going to DTD and just live my life until it is... I already know the Docs dont care until I have made it to their time limit, lol. So whatevers.
Oh, and DH and eventually had a nice argument, which led to happiness. We both decided that we need to STOP basing our joy on material things, and appreciate what we have. No, its not easy or fun to count out pennies to buy milk... but we need to be thankful that we even have the pennies to count! I hope our talk leads to a more content life. I mean, we really very rarely get into a tissy with eachother, but the money problems put so much strain on both of us. I think this mindset change will be helpful.