I can't believe that we have finally gotten to this point, but DH and I have decided to try and get pregnant this summer. It has taken us well over a year to come to this decision. In fact, for awhile there it looked as if our son may be an only child. Last month we were a bit careless with the birth control. Heck, I was even positive that we had gotten ourselves pregnant. Sure, we would have been happy and excited, but I really wanted to "plan" our second child. Yeah, our first baby was a bit of a surprise. Luckily we had already been married for over three years and had a solid relationship. Heck, we had even made the decision to TTC during the summer of 2000. Instead, our son Evan was born on June 28th, 2000, just two days before our 4th wedding anniversary. We knew that we didn't want a close age span between children so we knew that we wouldn't be getting pregnant with Baby #2 anytime soon. I brought up the topic of TTC another baby when Evan was 18 months old. DH and I ended up getting into a huge fight over it. As it turned out, DH wasn't even sure that he wanted anymore children. Then, if we did have another child he wanted to wait until Evan was much older, like 6 or 7. We decided to let the topic stew for a few months. I brought the topic up again when Evan was 25 months old. This time it went much better. In fact we decided to TTC during the winter of 2003. Well, December rolls around and we both agree to wait a few more months. Yep, the older Evan got, the less I wanted to do the whole pregnancy/baby thing again. I knew myself well enough to know that I would never be happy with just one child. I wanted to experience one more pregnancy and give a sibling to my son. I bring up the "baby topic" in March. We debate for and against it, neither of us really choosing a side. We basically decide that if it happens, it happens, and we'll just become a bit more careless with birth control. Ok, that seemed like a good idea, but then again, I didn't really like the idea of just "seeing what happens." I really wanted to wait until June to officaially TTC. So I have been using the FAM method for the past couple of months. Today I got my period so I decided to bring up the "baby topic" one last time. We both calmly agreed to that this would be the summer that we tried to get pregnant. We would try for 3 months and if I wasn't pregnant by September.....well, we weren't sure. My main reason for only TTC for 3 months is because I don't want to have another summer baby. If I get pregnant during the next 3 months we will have a spring baby. But, if I'm unable to get pregnant, then we'll just take a break for a few months and start another TTC round in January. I don't know, we're basically playing it by ear. Evan will be nearly 4 by the time a spring 2004 baby comes along. I don't want more than a 5 year age span between my children. Right now I'm a SAHM, but once Evan starts school I'd like to go back to work part-time, unless I already have a toddler at home. In that case I'll continue to stay home. I'm just not crazy about the idea of having Evan in Kindergarten and me being pregnant knowing that I still have 4/5 more years of staying at home.
Well, I got pregnant very easily with our first child so we're hoping for the best. We did agree that if for some reason I don't get pregnant sometime during the next year we won't use fertility treatments. I love children, but I am thankful for the one child that we have. I'm afraid that going through fertility treatments will cause a huge strain to our marriage. I don't want to become obsessed over Baby #2 and neglet our first child. Am I making any sense? If it was up to me, I would love to have 3 children, I think. DH is happy with 1, but he also feels that it's important for Evan to have a sibling. Plus he knows that I would love to have more than one child so we have agreed that two children will be the maximum. Of course, we're still both kind of young. (32) We have also decided to to have either of us "fixed" until we were well into our 40s because you never know. DH may hit his late 30s and decide that he's ready for a 3rd child. Personally, I don't want to put my body through more than 2 pregnancies, but DH just isn't fond of the idea of permanent BC. AH, he claims that he's happy with one child, yet he wants a fertile wife. He's a very confusing man.
But here we are now, day one of our first official month of TTC. YIKES! A little scary, and a little exciting.
It's late. Time for bed. I just wanted to type my first entry on the first day of this new cycle.
I'm still here and plan on keeping a journal. There just hasn't been anything to write about since I haven't even O'ed this cycle. Right now it looks like I'll be O'ing next week. I don't chart my temps. Sometimes I wish that I did, but I never got into the routine and I don't really want to start this cycle. I know that I would like to be pregnant by Septemeber. If I'm not though, I may start charting my cycles then.
I have a mild case of poison ivy right now. Yuck, I haven't had poison ivy in years. Hopefully it will clear up soon. DS and I are flying down to spend a week with my mother on the 14 of this month. Wow, that's only 11 days away. I'm sure that I'll O by then. Heck, I may even O this weekend. That will make BD easier.
Boy, I feel like this cycle is just dragging along and I'm never going to Ovulate this month. The longer it takes, the more nervous I get about TTC. Do I really want to be pregnant again? Of course I do, but it just seems odd actually trying to create a life on purpose. Honestly, I can't wait to become pregnant again. I loved being pregnant with my son, only looking back in hind-sight (and my old journals) I realize that I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I wanted to. No, that doesn't sound right. Due to the cicumstances, I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy. I was halfway thorugh the first semester of my senior year when I became pregnant. That semester was crazy and stressful and the following soring semester was even worse. I was taking 4 ENGL. classes during that spring semester just before Evan was born. I had to read 3-4 books a week and wrote 14 papers that semester. We didn't have the money to spend on really cute maturnity clothes so I only bought the absolute basics; jeans and T-shirts. Also, and this may sound strange but I was a little self-conscious of my pregnant body once I hit the 6 month mark. On campus it seemed as if all of the girls were wearing little shorts and those sexy little tank tops. Just 1 year earlier I had dressed like that. This may sound vain but I ws worried that I would totally lose my body after the baby and I could never dress in cute trendy clothes again. Another thing that made my pregnancy ackward was one of my good friends had been trying to get pregnant for 8 years. She was such a good person and I felt so bad for her. She put so much time and energy into school that I always felt like a slacker. We had a great reationship though. I remember how hard it was for me to tell her that I was pregnant, especially since she knew we weren't trying. She was happy for me of course, but then she said, "So what form of birth control failed on you?" She wasn't bitter or anything, atleast not toward me. Halfway through the Spring semester she thought that she might be pregnant. She wasn't though. We lost touch with each other as soon as the semester ended. I sent her a birth announcement after Evan was born but I haven't heard from her since. So unfair....I just wish that Christine could have a baby. Evan was born 5 weeks after the end of that semester. Since we knew that we would be buying a house shortly after the baby was born I didn't bother to decorate a nursery. Any free time I had that semester I spent it on the pregnancy. I kept a pregnancy calendar, I measured my stomach every 4 weeks with string, I kept a pregnancy memory book and a pregnancy daily diary and made sure that I wrote in it every day. Ok, that may sound like a lot, but I want to experience pregnancy more the second time around. I have very few pregnancy pictures with Evan. With a second pregnancy I'd like to have a picture made every 4 weeks. I want to wear more feminine clothes that show off my curves. I'm guessing that I'll show earlier with a second pregnancy. With Evan I could hide my body in baggy and heavy clothes since I started showing in the winter. I guess that's why I seemed to suddenly look pregnant to people. The weather warmed up so I had to start wearing T-shirts and maturnity shorts.
I'm just ready to get this show on the road. Actually, it feels more like jumping off a cliff. Our little trio is so happy right now, only I don't feel like we're "complete." I want another child and I want Evan to have a sibling. I want to experience a pregnancy without feeling self-conscious of my body. I want to have the opportunity to totally tune into this pregnancy rather than stress out over how I'm going to read 2 books, 1 medieval writing, a play by Shakesphere and still find time to write a 6 page paper and prepare a lesson plan for my tutoring job.
Evan and I move to "toddler time." We shuffle and bumble through life making the most out of everyday. For example, today we woke up around 8:30. Evan had gymnastics at 9:30. After his class we went to the mall, ate some cookies, played in a toy store and rode the carousel. Back home we ate lunch and we each took a nap. After nap we had a snack, then went to McDonalds for ice cream and to play on the indoor playground. Back home we played outside for an hour. Nick came home around 8 and we had a great dinner of soup, bread and cheese. Nick and Evan played "basketball" while I did some housework. Evan went to bed around 9:30 and Nick and I watched some TV.
I know my days were that relaxed while I was pregnant. Hell, sometimes I'm amazed that Evan is so calm and easy going considering how much stress I put my body through while I was pregnant with him.
Well, I'm rambling now. Time to head off to bed. Tomorrow I'll be on CD 11. I should be Ovulating in the next couple of days.
Ok, I think I'm on the verge of Ovulating. I'll probably have thicker CM by this evening or tomorrow. I guess we'll start BDing tonight. For the past week I've had a mild case of poison ivy on my arms. Nothing too bad, but I do have 6 nasty looking spots. DH and I haven't said anything about TTC. I'm afraid to bring the topic up in case he has changed his mind. Instead I just plan on BDing every other day beginning tonight. Ah yeah, considering we normally only "do it" once a week I'm sure DH will know exactly what I'm trying to do. I almost wish that we had sex this morning...just in case. Damn, why haven't I been checking my temps and cervix? All I have to go on is my CM. I also get mild physical symptoms, like what I'm starting to have now, but considering I've been waiting a week to Ovulate and I am only on CD 12, chances are these symptoms could be in my head. Not to sound crude, but for the next week I just want as much sperm in me as possible. Yuck, I can't believe that I said that. Evan and I are flying out of town next Saturday.
Well, time to begin my day. I have so much nervous energy that I should do something productive today.
I wrote an entry yesterday only it didn't post. I ovulated this past weekend, sometime between Friday and Monday morning. (CDs 12-15) We only BD twice. It just felt too wierd, knowing that we might actually be creating a life. It was like, we knew what we were doing, only we didn't want to talk about it. Now I'm thinking that twice wasn't enough. Maybe we missed it this month. I'm certainly not "feeling" anything right now. I'm still kind of freaked out over the weekend.
I wrote a really great entry yesterday, but as I've already said, it didn't post.
Waiting....that's what I'm doing now, just waiting to see if I'm pregnant or not. I'm pretty sure that I'm not though. I just don't "feel" pregnant. I'm already slightly bummed, but I've decided to test on June 23 anyway, unless I've gotten my period by then. My average cycle is between 30-33 days. On Monday, June 23 I'll be on CD 29. I'm sure that if I am pregnant, I would be a BFP+++, but I'm not holding my breath, really. I'm still taking my prenatals, avoiding alcohol, llimiting caffienne, and all that stuff "just in case." Crazy. WIth Evan I didn't test until CD 34.
Below is the cycle from when I became pregnant with Evan, only since we weren't trying I didn't expect to "feel" anything. I was so busy with school, plus we flew down to TN for my sister's wedding that I didn't even consider pregnancy until I started having those odd symptoms. (CDs 27-33) Naturally I just assumed that it was PMS, only it started earlier than normal. That spotting and dizziness were also new to me. Naturally I trying to compare notes on this cycle and Evan's cycle. It's still too early to know. I guess I could test next week at this time, only I'll be in TN and I don't want to test down there. Even if I am pregnant, I'm not going to tel anyone until August, including my mother. I might spill the beans if I test positive down there. I could test on Sunday, CD 28, but I like to be home alone when I test. That way I can have a huge crying fit or else think up a fun way to tell DH that I'm pregnant. Eleven more days until I test; seems like an eternity. I just want next week to be over with. I've been spending too much money during these past two weeks and I know that it's due to stress. I always get a bit stressed out and self-conscious before visiting my family. It's not too bad this year, but I've still been spurging and buying stuff that I don't really need. Afterwards I always feel guilty about it.
I just want the next ten days to fly by. I want to be back home with the trip behind me so that I can move on with my life. I have a couple of prejects that I'm wanting to start on, but I'm waiting until I'm back from TN. I want to know if I'm pregnant or not and I won't know for another 11 days. Unless I have one of those odd 26 day cycles, which I do have about twice a year. In that case, I'll get AF while I'm in TN. I'll take supplies just in case.
I feel like I'm waiting for everything right now. I just want the waiting to end. I want to be back in MD after the TN trip so that I can organize my finances and make a commitment to quit spending money. I have everything I need right now, especially after the little shopping sprees from these past two weeks. I think I spent rought $200. on clothes and shoes for both myself and Evan. I also spent $30. at the bookstore today buying books for us to read on the plane and while at my mother's house. My own bank balance is probably so out of wack it's going to take a week for everything to clear. Actually, I did need some new clothes and I got some great deals. I also bought a couple of pregnancy books last week. I already have several from my pregnancy with Evan so this time I'm buying the more frivolous books. I want to have more fun with this pregnancy. Take advantage of my belly and curves. In nine days we'll be back from TN. That's not so bad, I can count down the days on two hands. We arrive back on the first day of Summer. At that point I will begin my summer plan; be more productive at home, spend much less money and concentrate on being/getting pregnant. I almost wish that we hadn't tried this month. This has been a busy month and I'm not comfortable with the idea of flying and having to take allergy meds so early in a possible pregnancy. Well, we tried this month and if I am pregnant, then I am. Besides, I traveled down to TN while I was pregnant with Evan and I had no clue that I was pregnant. He turned out perfect.
We're back from Tennessee. It felt like the trip would never end. Actually, today has been a long day. Evan and I were up by 7:00. At the airport by 8:30 and on plane #1 by 9:15. At 12:15 we boarded plane #2. DH was at the airport to pick us up at 1:30. I'm exhausted. Evan was great during the flights and the trip though. He was a bit grumpy toward my mother so I had to do all of the childcare do I didn't get my usually breaks and evenings out while we were there. I'm just glad that the trip was successful and that it is over. So now I'm back, on the first day of Summer and the day Harry Potter #5 is released. We ordered our copy through Amazon so we probably we receive it until Monday. Sex in the City also begins a new season tomorrow night. And then Monday....midsummers night eve. I think I'm going to test that day. I'm only on CD 27 (i normally have a 30-33 day cycle) and I don't think that I'm pregnant, but hey, I could be. Haven't really been having any symptoms, except for cramps and tender breasts. Last Monday my breasts were super tender, but that only lasted a day or so. Late Thursday night I began having cramps so that pretty much told me that I wasn't pregnant and that I would start AF the following day. I've been having cramps off and n since then but still no AF. I'm at the point where I'm starting to get my hopes up, but I don't want to truely believe that I'm pregnant. I'm guessing that I'll get my period in the next 24-48 hours. Especially since I'm back and all of the stress of traveling is over. Based on my cycle I should wait to test on Wednesday. I don't think that I can wiat that long though. I would test now except I don't won't to get a BFN and become all upset nor do I want to get a BFP and have to keep it a secret from DH. I like to keep a pregnancy to myself for as long as possible, plus if I am pregnany I'd like to tell DH next Monday on our 7 year anniversay, but that may be too long to wait.
But, with the way I'm thinking/feeling right now, I'm not pregnant.
I bought a pregnancy test yesterday. One of those First Response tests that claim you can test 4 days before your period is due. I'm not going to test today though. Technically, with my cycle, my period isn't due until this Wednesday, 3 days from now. I'm going to wait and test on Tuesday. In a way I hope that I get my period today. Sounds crazy since I really do want to be pregnant, but I hate waiting until Tuesday morning to know for sure. Atleast if I got my period I would know that the bloating and cramps were due to PMS. I still don't "feel" pregnant so I just want the waiting and hopeing to be over.
A little something about me. I was raised by a pack of pessimists. For most of my life I have been a pessimist. But, during the past several years, especially since the birth of my son I have made a complete turn-around. Yes, I now consider myself an optimist. Ok, maybe I haven't made a full turn-around. Most days I'm pretty positive and try to find the good in places, things and situations. For instance, I have somehow managed to convince myself that I'm not pregnant. But that's ok because once I start my period in the next day or so, our second cycle of TTC will begin. During the next cycle I won't be traveling or having to plan a Birthday party. I can just focus on getting pregnant and put a little more time and energy into it. Heck, I may even start charting my temps. I'll be more aggressive on the babydancing front. July will be a great month to get pregnant. All I have to do is wait for my period to start and we'll be on our way. But the optimist in me hasn't given up on this cycle yet. All day I've been mentally making a list of possible pregnancy symptoms that I've been having only to have the old pessismist laugh at me.
--tender breasts-"of course you have tender breasts, you're PMSing, you'll get your period later this week --I'm bloated-of course you're bloated, you're due for your period within the next couple of days, duh --I feel nauseous after eating-of course you feel nauseous, you've been in the South for the past week eating nothing but fried food, plus you just ate a nasty Whopper combo meal, no wonder your stomach is quesy.[/b]
--I've been haivng cramps everyday since last Thursday-
big surprise, you always get cramps before you get your period
--I have to pee a lot- of course you have to pee a lot, you've been drinking a ton of water and orange juice.
--I feel like I'm about to start my period any minute-that's because you probably will start your period today
so you see, anytime I try to trick myself into thinking I'm having pregnancy symptoms, my brian basically tells me not to get my hopes up.
I'm going to test tomorrow, so hopefully in just 19 hours I'll know. I'll be on CD 30, I should get a positive, if I'm pregnant that is. Of course, If I get a negative, then I'll probably just doubt the test and spend another $12. on a damn test so I can test again on Thursday, CD 32. With Evan I tested for the first time on CD 34. That would be this Friday in this current cycle. I don't want to wait until Friday though. Tomorrow should be soon enough for an accurate result.....which will probably be negative. Of course I may start my period within the next 19 hours so there will be no need to test, which means I already have a test for next month. Ok, time to do something productive with my life. I may write again tonight, especially if I get my period today.
At 8:18 this morning I discovered that I'm pregnant. Yep, I took a test this morning at it was positive. I'm excited and slightly shocked. Two bright pink lines, that's for positive, right? I had wanted to wait until DH had left for work, except he slept late, then he was slow getting ready for work. Finally when he was in the shower I just couldn't wait anymore. (I really had to pee) So I brought the test into the powder room downstairs, took the test, then hid it in the living room so DH wouldn't see it. Then as I waited I went into the kitchen where Evan was eating breakfast. At 8:18, after the 3 minute wait, I took a deep breath and walked back into the living room to see the results. And to my surprise it was positive. I had to conceal my excitment until DH left. Nope, I haven't told him yet. I probably won't tell him until next Monday, on our 7 year anniversary. I think I can wait that long. He might get suspicious if he realizes that I haven't gotten a period this week though. I'll be 5 weeks pregnant next Monday. I'll start telling my really close friends after I tell DH. That's only the two friends that know that we're TTC. Then I'll tell the rest of my people and family in August.
Wow, I'm going to have a baby. I'm gestating right now. Why did I doubt myself so much? I was already to start the 2nd cycle of TTC. I'm a nut, I should reread all of those obvious pregnancy symptoms that I listed in my diary yesterday.
What should I do today. When I found out that I was pregnant with Evan, it was around 1:30 in the afternoon. Instead of celebrating I had to spend the rest of the day writing a paper. We should have our pictures made today to capture the moment.
Thanks to everyone who has been reading my diary. +++vibes+++ to everyone who wants/needs them. I hope that everyone has a great day.