I can't believe it!! I really think the weight loss and Met is helping me... because I finally have fertile CM for the first time today! For the first time in a long time... I actually "feel" fertile.
I'm a dork. How does one actually "feel fertile" ? :bonkself:
I am really really tired. I'm about to go take some nyquil just so I get to the point that I am so tired I will sleep. Lots of things have been going on (drama) keeping me up at night.. and, I really don't have anyone to talk to. So, I hold it all in and develop insomnia.
Still haven't heard from the insurance thing. I might get up early tomorrow and go straight to the med. center to get myblood tests done and then head over to referrals just to see where they are.
This month I am trying to really take note of my ovulation signs. I used to be good at it, short of taking temps, but once we found out about the deployment I kind of forgot about it because it was pointless. I really feel like the Met is working even better since the doc upped the dosage. Last week, I kind of went through a "hungry" stage where I was craving things I normally don't crave food wise. Like, cereal... quesdilla rolls... stuff like that. I ate those things I really kind of went off the diet for a few days and gained about 4 pounds. This morning when I got back on the scale, I realized I lost those four pounds. Which is good. I'm going to keep on the diet until I find out I am pregnant. I think my doc would agree too. So I have about two months till the first insemination... so I say thats another 20 pounds I can lose!
Well, I better go. My back is hurting.
I was not able to make it to the med.center to have the blood drawn, so I plan on doing that first thing Monday morning. And after that is done, I'm making a b- line straight for the referrals office. I have a beef with them. Actually, thats a huge understatement.
DH hurt his calf yesterday playing volleyball. He collasped, and passed out. THey called the ambulance and they took him to the doc. He has a ruputured calf... so he's in a cast and crutches now. Times like these I really wish I was with him... to make sure he's taking his meds and getting rest, staying off his leg, etc. He starts physical therapy for it soon... but, I'm sure he will be okay.
I'm still finding it hard to get to sleep. I have a relaxation cd I listen to, but its gotten to the point where I know it by heart so its not as effective anymore. I'm going to try to find something else at the bookstore or something.
I had today off, so I slept in (my fav thing!) and ran some errands with the DSD's. I think I am ovulating today or tomorrow... I'm not doing OPK's right now because its kind of a waste.
I've been trying to find DSD's mom lately. Yes, I said that right. We have no idea where she is. But, the girls want to find her so I'm trying my best to locate her. I really hope I can find her because I really want the girls to have a relationship with her. Mainly because I feel they think they are missing out on something they should be having with their mom... I don't think they will ever truly get what they are looking for, but I think that has happened to all of us sometime in our lives. Its sad really. I think the eldest one especially has an illusion that everything would be "perfect" if she had a relationship with her mom. I think that if she did, then it would take a lot of pressure off of me to be someone I simply cannot be to them. Perhaps it is selfish of me... but I truly believe that when I came into this marriage I went above and beyond the call of duty for everyone. The kids were already practically grown up... and its really hard to start a family and become an "instant" mom like that. I think when I have a baby of my own, maybe I will be able to relate to them better. That takes a lot of guts for me to say that! :roll: I think all of this is really raw with me lately... because the eldest recently did something (well, a lot of somethings) that her father and I forbid her to do. She specifically did it to MY side of the family when she was staying with them. Its like she flat out disobeyed, but pretends she was an angel to my face. That is the most annoying thing to me... to sit there and do things you know you are wrong and I asked you not to do (not to mention her father saying this also) and then turn to me and tell me that you could never live without me and you cherish me so. :shock: She really crushed any trust I have in her. I'm very hurt. She is of age now... so, for the first time I told her how I really felt about the way she acts. I told her that she wasted all the time that I have ever invested in her trying to teach her right from wrong and how dare she ignore my requests like that. I have spent a lot of time with both of them... I have spoken to them at their level... I have talked to them about things probably most stepmoms wouldn't bother with... and I feel incredibly betrayed. Whatever we don't teach her this big ol world will... thats for sure. And, I hope it does.
I did not go to the med center today because I was too tired to go this morning before work... therefore, I suck! But, tomorrow I have off so I will definitely go get that taken care of.
I had my review at work today. I was really pleased with what everyone said about me and the manager said everyone including the owner was impressed with my work. They gave me a raise, and will give me another one in a month or so. I'm pretty happy about it... because I have fun doing what I do. Its a good feeling to know that if I truly didn't like the job that I could quit it and it wouldn't really cause any financial hardship to our family since it was only part-time. Even though we aren't rich by any means... not even near it... our bills do get paid. At least with me working it helps with all the fertility stuff that insurance doesn't cover.
I finally had my blood drawn.... seriously, how many different freaking tests are there that I constantly must repeat. She took 9 vials of blood. NINE. She kept asking me if I felt okay. :oops: Nothing a little Pepsi won't fix! Yum. (my treat.)
Then I proceed to march to the referrals office. There, I found an angel :angel4: ... who knew about my case before I even said my name. She sympathized with me, and told me MY CASE was in the "higher ups" office and waiting an answer from the Lt. Colonel because there's been such a discrepancy about it. :protest: She told me its still pending... but she is going to keep checking and call me when she gets an answer.
So... now... I must hurry up and wait as they say. :roll:
Not really anything new to report... but I think I will post anyway and ramble if I have to just to try to attempt to get to Tammy's number of pages
Still no word from the insurance company. Apparently, "Pending" is the word of the month.
I'm trying to decide if I should start the Clomid next month and just keep track of when I O so that when October rolls around I will have an idea... I've not been on the 100 mg before. If you have an insight to this, please let me know!!
DH just called me for our fifteen-minutes-a-week phone call. It goes by so quickly. I miss him so much. :byebye2: I miss his constant :book1: , his morning :cuppajoe: brewing, him taunting the :dog: and :grommit: , :guitar: along with the radio, when I catch a glimpse of his :bumshakin:, or when we :huggles: and :boff: , when he brings me :giveflower: , he even did all the :laundry: .
Well thats enough for now....
Well, weight loss has come at a screetching halt for the past like 2-3 weeks and I couldn't figure out why. It just dawned on me that I'm only about 2 pounds away from my lower daily points target. (on WW, you get points according to your weight... as you lose weight, your points go down.) So, for the past few days I've been eating at the lower points number and I think I'm seeing a little improvement. YAY!! :woohoo:
One of the reasons I put the DIUI off is to get off some of this extra weight! I am really hoping between the weight loss and the metformin that it increases my chances. I still have a good two months left that I can still lose before we start the IUI's. I feel like I finally have control over my body again... its probably been about 5 or 6 years since I've felt that way. Now, if I could just get it through my head that one day I will see a positive HPT... cause honestly, I feel like I'm never going to see one that came from my urine from my body. Maybe that's just what infertility does to you... makes you think that its never going to happen... I'm thinking more about what won't happen than what could happen... :roll:
I'm still halting on my weight loss. :roll: I know sometimes this happens, the body sometimes needs to catch up but I sure wish my fat cells would realize that I have a schedule to stick to :director: I think tomorrow I am going to start walking a mile for starters on the treadmill.... I was walking the dog everyday but i don't do that anymore because the kids are back and they do it, so I will just make use of my treadmill. I wanted that thing so badly... saved up for months... spent a lot on it.. and I've like used it twice. Isn't that the way it always goes?
Today was CRAZY at work today. I was there for only two hours but I had "enough" that I had to go talk to management about a few things. I feel bad about doing that but it took me a long time to stand up for what I believe in and follow my heart not the crowd. I have a good head on my shoulders... probably one of the most level headed ones at my work. They really get their monies worth outta me!
Still no word from the insurance. :fu2: If I don't hear anything by the end of next week then I am going to go to my doc and request a referral to someone who at least can get the HSG done and the insurance will cover it. I really am worried about it... I keep worrying about blocked tubes or something. I've gotta stop stressing out. I don't have a lot of faith in my body... I don't even have a lot of faith that I will ever see a positive HPT... its not really an upsetting thing for me but just a fact of life. But... since I will be triggered on Ovidrel I sure as hell am going to be testing just to see a BFP!! Maybe that might make me feel better.
:party: :party: I MADE 10% GOAL!! :party: :party:
It took me awhile lately... it seems like i was in a standstill... but I finally made it! I'm so incredibly happy. I really didn't think I could get here! This is so important to me. The more research I do the more I realize that weight does play a part in fertility. A major part. I can't tell you how many times I've read women stories and they say, "I had just lost xx pounds" or "I recently lost some weight..." and no one really connects those things with a BFP. I'm really proud of myself... and I'm hoping I can lose AT LEAST 15 more pounds by the time we start IUI's.
Doc's office called. My Prolactin was elevated. DUH! Its been that way since like- January! She says they want me to draw it again and if its still elevated then they are goign to treat me for it... apparently, the other doc should have treated me for it... but lets not get into that. Its the same hormone that can keep you from getting pregnant while breastfeeding. :shock: I sure wish they corrected this months ago! Thank goodness I have a doc that pays attention now.
No news on the referral... still pending. I hav to call the lady back on Wednesday to see if she's found anything else out. She said since its taking so long this is probably a good thing. Damn right!
I actually was visited by AF. My cycle was 29 days. :shock: Holy crap. The only thing I can say is that it must be the Met. This stuff has done wonders for me... seriously!
With AF starting up... and the referral still pending... I have NO CLUE what to do about the HSG thing. I SHOULD HAVE had it done this month, like- soon. But... I think now I'm going to have to have someone else do it- not Dr. K because I'm not approved to see him yet. I'm going to call Dr. K's office on Tuesday and see what they say. I wouldn' thave a problem doing it next cycle, but I'm not sure if they want it unmedicated or not. If they don't care, then I can afford to wait till next month.
My head Hhhhhuuuurrrrtttssss.....
I have been busy all day...mailing off baby gifts, wedding gifts, care packages.... dropping off the truck at the shop.
Tomorrow I will call and find out about what's going on with my request. Enough already! If I don't have this HSG done this month then I will have to wait till next month... and I really don't want to wait. :roll:
I will KUP!
Today is one of those days that I feel like I was very busy but got nothing accomplished. I spent some time in the referrals office today... and I got to speak with a "higher up" face to face. At first she told me that I would be liable for over a thousand dollars worth of work already done by Dr. K's office, but when she learned it was one of her employees who gave me the go-ahead before my authorization was denied, she said that I now need to write a letter stating what happened and perhaps, after all is said and done, I won't be liable for that money.
There is so much to do regarding this, and it just feels like a waiting game. Everything everyone told me to do to have things done "properly" I have done, sometimes even repeatively. I don't have the money to pay for something they said would be covered.... and when the lady asked me today if I was really content with staying with Dr. K's office, I said yes. I told her that infertility is bad enough... sure I could go everywhere else to have the testing like the HSG done, but the bottom line is- nobody ELSE knows what to look for. It took forever for me to get properly diagnosed. Everytime I saw my PCM, it was a different person. I need one person to follow me from here on out and tell me what to do and when to do it... ONE PERSON. I want that person to be Dr. K. They can change my PCM all they want, they can make me do weird things to get referrals... I don't mind playing the system to get things covered... but for the love of God, just let me see this one guy who can give me a decent chance of getting pregnant.
This is going to be a weird entry.
Someone thinks I'm pregnant... and I'm going to keep letting this person think that. I have a long dramatic history wiht this someone. I never thought though, that they would handle it the way they are. Its really quite shocking to watch. I'd rather them get it all out now, than to have more drama when I finally do get pregnant. This is not someone I've ever spoken to. Just someone... that's obsessed with my husband.
To each his own I guess.
Doc put me on Parlodel for the high prolactin. I didn't think I'd have any side effects but I almost collapsed at work. I felt so bad. I've never felt that way before... all I could think about was who was going to take care of the girls if I went by ambulance to the hospital.
I actually ovulated on CD 14 this cycle! This is the second month in a row. Things are dramatically improving and I couldn't be happier or more hopeful. I wish I could fast forward three weeks!
Well... Jamie made me realize I haven't updated this thing in awhile!!
On Friday, 10/6 I went in for a HSG and it came out all clear. Thank goodness! I was really worried about it. I also had a follie check and I had a 17 mm follie on my right ovary. So, I was instructed to come back the next morning. On Saturday morning it measured 20 mm, so I was instructed to trigger on Sunday morning.
On Monday I went in for my first IUI. It was 10.4 million, which isn't that great. I'm really not hopeful... but then again I kinda am. I just hate getting burnt.
So once again I am in the 2WW.
I hate the 2WW! :director:
This is so nerve racking!
Its not me really... I don't think I am pregnant because at this point I can't even imagine seeing a BFP outside of a HCG trigger. Everyone keeps saying not to think so negatively, but its really hard not to. There are so many people praying for us... from the west to the east coast. The girls are so excited... and today the eldest misunderstood something I said (I was explaining I started XMAS shopping) and all she heard was, "I started" and she looked at me with the most shocking look ever. It looked like she was going to cry. She's so emotional. I'm worried about others more than me. I'm worried about DH :roll: , cause he's so excited and anxious. I'm worried about the girls, cause they have been waiting as long as we have. I'm worried about those who see me and wonder why God is witholding such a blessing from us when there are so many people out there, like the woman who threw her baby in a garbage bag, who should not have children.
So, obviously the first IUI didn't work. This sent me into a worldwind of emotions, I broke down several times last Sunday and cried in what seemed like all day. I've never reacted this way before. I guess months of infertility and frustration will do that to me... just came to a reality that even with intervention I wasn't getting pregnant. It was a very hard day.
Ever since then I have made decisions to change my lifestyle. Some I should have quit a long time ago, but after tomorrow I will quit. I've been gearing myself up all week... I'm ready to go into this next IUI knowing I could do NOTHING more or better than I have been.
In the strangest way... I still find myself blaming myself for a failed cycle. This is a lot of burden to carry on ones shoulders.