a reason to hope- lynns ttc journal

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a reason to hope- lynns ttc journal

my story starts in nov 95 when i lost twins at 13 weeks. i got pg with the first "time"....and we used protection. go figure. so we decieded to try again and a year later i was pg. but this pregnancy was difficult with complications starting at 16 wks. -preterm labor dialated to 1/2 . so the gyn i was seeing didnt know their heads from their behinds...so 20 wks i opened to 1...they told me they couldnt do a thing for me...so i decided when i was 24 wks and opened to 2 to switch doctors and hospitals all together. i saw a new doc and was open to 3...and she immediately put me on complete bed rest...procardia..and home monitoring for contractions 2x/day, steroid shots every wk etc...had my son with shoulder dystocia...he was stuck in the b/c and had to be removed forcefully. but he was born healthy thank god with the help of a wonderful ob. the day after i had him i took the depo shot.
i was on depo until 99 and started ttc #2 in aug 99. my cycles seemed normal so i just thought it would take a while to concieve(it took nearly a year with my son) but in feb 2001 i was told in the er that i have pcos and wouldnt be able to have any more kids. my cycles lasted anywhere from 50-70days and the doc said if im o'ing it has to be every other month. and i couldnt get pregnant like that. i felt like it was hopeless, so i gave up for a while.

In may of 2002 i went to seek treatment from my obgyn. and started clomid and 150mg cd 3-7 did help me ovulate but it overstimulated my ovaries and the doctor took me off of the clomid because it made my pain unbearable due to the clusters of cysts that i then had. my ex and i split up shortly after, due in part to the strain of ttc and financial struggles.

john and i started talking on the phone in dec2002. you see we were childhood sweethearts, and had not spoken to each other since 1994-1995. his sister is married to my brother, so one day i was there visiting, and he called insisting that he talk to me. i tried to blow him off but boy was he persistant! and in 2003 he asked me to marry him. you can guess what happened from there. we started officially ttc on christmas day 2003, even though we were never actually preventing it in the first place! we just decieded to be more aggressive in trying. well again i didnt get preg. and john wanted more answers. he wanted to know why i wasnt preg yet.

so again i went to another doctor in may 2004, and he decieded to do a laproscopy/hsg and everything was normal no blockage, nothing. only a couple very small cysts that had since gone away. but i hit a stumbling block. i had an abnormal pap. so i had to have a colposcopy and cone biopsied and was non cancerous-thank God...But i had to wait for my cervix to heal and also had to have 3 normal paps in a year before starting clomid.

Then I started gaining weight like crazy. ive always been super skinny and im only 5'3 so im petite anyway. so in february 2005 they said i have prediabetes. and started metformin to help me to lose weight and help the infertility. i have since been told i am a full diabetic. So again i had to wait to get my sugar under control and lose some weight. they also said many women get pregnant on their own within 6 months of taking metformin and diet change. but again no luck.

so in mid august i went to see the obgyn again and had to have dh have an analysis done. i started provera and clomid 50 mg in the meantime. until the results of his s/a came back she wouldnt up my dose even though i felt that 50 didnt work in the past.

so i returned to visit for the results and dh is functioning better than ave. in all areas. so ive lost more than 35 lbs, my sugars are excellent and i have no cysts on my ovaries. so now she says i have some type of unexplained infertility. i start provera and clomid 100mg next time.
So here i am 6 yrs into my battle and praying for a miracle.

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thursday, sept. 15th, i went to see my ob/gyn. the first thing that we found out was that dh s/a came back above average!!!! Great News! then dh asks about my mysterious grayish-purple clots that i passed during af, and he wanted to know if it was a m/c. so she went back to my previous appt...urine test neg aug 18th. she says well....it Could have been too soon to see a pg then. so then we both got upset. so i asked if anything else could cause that, she said NO. so she went on to say that i would of had to be 6 wks in order to see that tissue. so then i freaked out because i thought that i o'd the end of july. lmp before that was july8th. then i went on to ask about the intense cramping that i felt that didnt stop until after i passed it. she said it could have been a "missed pregnancy" that didnt show up on the urine yet. so i asked about the provera that she had given me to bring on AF? she reassured me that provera wouldnt have caused m/c and that many women take that to help a pg. that it was probably caused by a defect of some kind and that its normal to happen during that time. so she wrote the script for 100mg provera and 100mg clomid to start with af. she never gave me a clear answer as to whether i had a m/c or not.....probably due to the look of hurt in my eyes and mostly due to dh looking at her with hate. dh and i dont talk much about what happened that day in aug, but i think in our hearts we both know what it was. but admitting it would be far too painful.

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well onto other news from the drs appt sept 15. i told her of the pain i had been having for two days cd17-18 so she wanted to check my ovaries for enlargement. she said not only were they not enlarged but i dont have ANY cysts!!! good news there. so she asked to do a pelvic.....ok...she says i have too much ewcm and that it could be a pg sign. umm ok. i told her that i felt like i was ready to o, because my cervix was open, soft, high, and had so much ew cm. but she wanted to test just to be sure. ok great- another let down. so i went home thinking something was wrong with me. she said it was too much ewcm and that it was too much to be from oing. ok im really defective....
cd19 the pain stoppedand cd20my ewcm turned milky and thick. and i had no temp rise to confirm oing. but i had all of the other signs.
so then i thought that i was nuts!!!! AND defective
so then i wondered if dh waking me up to a thermometer every morning was a bad thing because i usually slept right through temping most days because he didnt want to wake me.....i remember a lot of days when i wasnt sure if i had my mouth closed on the thing or not..zzzzzzzz
straight through the beep and all. so cd21 my temp dropped-maybe? still unsure if its accurate at this point. so cd22 i said ok im going to make sure he wakes me to temp. so then it spiked YAYYY. ff finally confirmed my o date for cd 21 but that makes no sense....cd 21 my cervix was low and closing with sticky cm. i never usually temp, because i can follow other signs of o. but the doc insisted on using that chart method. in which i cant read it that good and they never really told me how to read it properly in the first place....GRRRRR i still think i o'd cd 19 but hey 2 days doesnt make too much difference anyways.
so ok at 6dpo my temp dropped.....then at 7dpo it jumped higher than ever for the cycle!!! i woke up with the worst kind of pain/pressure of my life...intense sharp spasms in my uterus! it was like i was pinching a nerve or something. and the only thing to ease it, was to lay on my side with the pressure off my bottom and back. and then later on i had a slight staining only when i wipe. the pains gone and it only hurt for a short while in the morning yesterday. the staining only lasted a couple of hrs-3tops!
and i feel really wet, and when i check, it's slippery. i really hope this all points to a bfp. this has been a long journey, but after all these yrs i still have a reason to hope.

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so today my temps are still up. and i got a phone call from my drs, saying my doc ordered a pelvic u/s to check for cysts. this is all that i need at this point. why didnt she do that when i saw her sept 15th? they told me that she was on vacation! i guess that i should have asked when it was ordered, because i know she's supposed to be on vacation this week and next week. and shes only in on thurs anyways, which makes me assume that it was ordered thurs and theyre just now calling me on monday? grrrr that pisses me off! im just hoping that its good news, because she had told me before that it didnt look like i had any cysts when she checked my ovaries. so i will just have to pray about that. i really dont want them touching me right now, when im trying to let implantation happen, i dont trust them, really i dont especially after what happened last month.
im trying to have faith, but im terrified that the vag u/s will hurt the implantation, because it always hurts so bad! maybe im just being paranoid, but i look at it like this, my cervix is already weak, and imcompetent, so applying pressure for 30 min while my bladder is full, cant be a great idea at 8dpo. i hope that im just being paranoid over nothing and it all works out great tomorrow.

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well today was my u/s and everything went well. i dont appear to have cysts, the tech wouldnt tell me the results but she said she doesnt see any reason for me to be concerned with the test result. so im guessing thats her way to say that im fine. she was extremely gentle with me, so i cant complain about that. once i told her i was ttc she completely understood. i asked her about my uterus position and its anteverted and tilted too. thats what caused the complication during my sons birth, he actually came out sideways with only one shoulder coming out at a time. it wasnt pretty believe me, but she says it shouldnt hurt my chances of concieving. my temps are still up, im looking forward to a bfp

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Yesterday: sept 30th which was cd33 for me. i woke up with a huge drop in temp!!!! then while out shopping with dh and my son, i kept running to the bathroom every half hour thinking af had started!!! and everytime i checked, i had nothing ziltch zero nada... so OK! today my temp went back up, and im not sure what that means!! so i took a hpt today at 13dpo and it was a BFN grrrrrrrr!!!!! ok so today i had zero symptoms of af and now im really really confused. im not testing again for a couple of days. i see the doc(not mine cause shes on vacation till next week) i see the doc on tues cause i had to call in due to serious breast pain.....no seriously i have fibrocystic breasts, and a fibroadenoma before the clomid, and now ive found a few new lumps that seriously hurt bad!!!! today they dont hurt as much, and usually cancerous lumps dont hurt. but ill get these biopsied too just to be safe. the nurse also told me to wait 7-10 days after my period is due and then do a hpt. maybe i should have waited then i wouldnt be so bummed right now.....

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af started monday morning....blah!!!! thats all i needed to see. today i saw the obgyn that ive been wanting to see for months, all because my drs on vacation. which is the best thing that could have happened at this point. shes finally giving me answers to my questions and knows so much more about ttc and the meds. she examined me and found some cysts on my right breast and im getting u/s done friday, she said she wants to drain them.....ouch!!!! she reviewed my ttc history and says im not getting pg cuz im oing too late in my cycle. she wants to wait till after this round of temping, and cd21 prog test and then go from there. i just dont know how shes gonna fix this problem, i start the 100mg in a few days and im hoping somehow i o sooner. but hopefully illl have better news on the 25th when i see her again.

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i have been out of sorts recently, im really really missing my mom, and im having a lot of down spells lately. ive found that shes always in my thoughts, and it has been very hard for me to accept the fact thats shes gone. i know that its crazy to feel this way, she passed away in april 2005, but this is my first time ever being without my mom. and to make matters worse, i live in her and my stepfathers home, that is until its sold off in the begining of next year. there are just too many memories of her here. i know i could never have too many memories of mom, but it just makes it so much more painful living here without her.
i lost my dad to cancer in may 2002,
my grandma and uncle in dec 2003,
my stepfather to pneumonia in june2004,
and my mom in april 2005.
and now my son's other grandma, is dying. i just dont believe this is happening this way. she is my sons only living grandparent, and i was always very close to her, even though my ex and i have been apart for 5yrs, she was like a second mom to me, and even after we split up, she and i remained to be very close. i just dont know how to deal with this right now.

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ive been really distracted lately with all thats been going on. my ttc efforts really didnt matter much to me for a while there. i was really in a depressive slump, and it took a lot of soul searching to get myself back on track. i tried so hard to get pg before she passed, i think sometimes she wanted me to be preg more than i wanted to be preg. back in march i took clomid, and af started late for me. mom was so upset, i just didnt know what to say to her at the time. she was so happy because af didnt show, and it arrived a week late!!! when i told her the news she cried. that was the last week of march. mom got sick in the begining of april with what seemed like a cold. and come to find out it was so much more than just a cold.well needless to say i was devasted, i stopped the clomid that month(and conviently blamed it on the recently diagnosed diabetes) to get the family off my back about ttc because after she was gone, nothing made sense, i felt like i had no real purpose. i know that sounds twisted because i have an eight yr old that needs me, but i didnt see it that way at the time. i was consumed with sorrow. see i took care of mom, after my stepfather passed. if it hadnt been for john caring for my son, and i.....things might have turned out very badly. thankfully i went to therapy, i started to feel better and in aug i decieded it was time to try again, for moms sake and ours. it had been a long fight, and mom wouldnt want me to give up now.
i was doing alright, that is until the cold weather came, and i started making plans for thanksgiving dinner.( a dinner that i have never prepared by myself.) in my moms house without her guidance. it just seems wrong to celebrate it without her, but i know that she wouldnt want me to feel sad for her, or stop the tradition because she isnt here.

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so onto other things. my sons grandma is still sick, but sounds a bit more coherent now. i spoke with her briefly the other night. ive made plans to make a dinner in my parents honor, and invited the family(who has been recently split apart) over for thanksgiving dinner. my brother finally got his surgery today and is doing much better. my best friend is healing from her surgery nicely as well. i swear i carry all the worry of everyone else on my shoulders, but i cant help it, im just a caring person.
now i feel much better, and at ease. my breast u/s came up normal. i just have thick breast tissue, not cysts. im so happy for that. the clomid just makes them uncomfortable because of the increase in hormones.
so then the issue of oing too late in cycle, more good news!
i got a +opk cd14 and temp rise cd16!!!!!!
so we were some bding fools in hopes of catching my eggy, now here comes the dreaded 2ww. i dont want to get too excited, in case this isnt my month, but im still hopeful. ill be waiting patiently for a bfp or af to show so we can try again.

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wow so much has happened since i posted last!!!! mikeys nana passed away on the 26th. the service was chaos for me, and my son was devastated. we are currently in our healing process, and taking it a day at a time! my cd21 prog was 12.5. then on cd26 it was 40. so my prog jumped way up there!!! we arent sure if i od cd16or19 but im gonna wait until sat to test, going by oing on cd19. im hoping this is it, but im really really trying not to get excited. the dr also told me that everything looks great and that i am oing beautifully on the clomid. she didnt need to make any adjustments to my med. if af shows i just call her and shell call in my clomid script. i cant see her again until the 15 for a bpt to confirm pg. if i get a pos. but that is ok shes not going to be in until the 15. lets just hope that i wont be needing that new script of clomid.

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well i havent posted here in a while, so let me update this. i believe i had another early m/c. i wont confirm that until tues with the dr. i also had one in aug. which was a non medicated cycle. if i didnt have another m/c then something else bizarre has happened to my body.
but after very high levels of prog and more than 2 weeks of high temps, and all of the pg symptoms that i was having, i know that something has gone wrong. so im starting clomid cd3-7 in hopes of oing sooner. and hopefully having better egg quality. i really wanted to wait a cycle or so but dh really felt like we shouldnt give up now.

so im on cd4 and trying round 4 this yr, in hopes of having a sticky pg.
this is my third round in a row, and i only have 3 more to go. if this doesnt work out, the next step is seeing the re and possibly going for iui and injections. i just hope that we dont have to take that step.

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well today i saw the ob/gyn and i asked her if my prob could have happened due to the poor egg quality pcos patients have, she said she doesnt want to make that diagnosis yet. actually she says she isnt going to make any other drastic changes until we have done 6 straight clomid cycles, then im off to the re. she says my chart is perfect, and should be put in a textbook of what a chart should look like. but she has said that my past two clomid cycles. she is working with a group of re's on my case and they are all in agreement with her treatment plan. i took it cd3-7 this mo. at this point, im really feeling bummed

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todays cd 11 for me and im starting to feel icky. my breasts are starting to get tender and my opk was almost pos yesterday, so i know that o is approaching. i really was hoping for an early o this mo and i think that may actually happen for us. i dont want to write that in stone yet though because my body could fake me out and tease me with the thought. so i started the mucinex today and like always i take my vitamin, i really want the dr to put me on the metformin 3 times a day, but she refuses to do that yet because of my ibs, but i really think that third dose a day can really make a difference. my sugars are a bit elevated right now, and i think i will def demand it after my a1c comes back(esp if its higher than last time). otherwise im trying to stay optimistic about it all. just trying to take it one day at a time. im trying very hard not to obsess about ttc anymore. im not googling every little symptom like i normally would have. and dh and i actually bd twice in a row just for the enjoyment of it and not to ttc. we were starting to feel like baby making robots!!!
with all the rules that dr gave us, she took all fun and romance out, and i dont agree with her method at all. this mo she says oh do it two days in a row then skip a day. its so confusing, im just gonna do what feels right.

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lets see what else i can comment on, since im feeling in the mood to write, this is the month that i concieved my son, lets just hope that i have that same fate this time around. i concieved in mid nov and found out dec 20th!!!!! so im just holding on to that bit of hope. next week is thanksgiving and ill be cooking my very first turkey and ham dinner! the family isnt coming because my nephew caught the chicken pox but we are still going to have a nice family dinner....me john and mike are going to have a good time anyways. i did get to look at john s/a numbers and that made me feel better. he is in the 90 percentile. 294 million swimmers/ml with 114 million being mobile. so we know that isnt an issue. more good news!!! so i think its only a matter of time before we have our sticky pg.

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round three cd 14. well i had a pos opk cd 10-11. i also had tons of ewcm then too. dh and i bd cd 9 10 12 and 13. i hope that all this extra cramping is a sign of things to come. my boobs have also been tender for a few days now. i really didnt get any intense o pain this mo. which is unusual, but my cm has now dried up and my temp did rise today. so now we are waiting to confirm the o. we tried different positions this mo because i think my wacky uterus position is hindering the sperm travel. we will see if it makes all the difference this mo or not. there is no other reason that i can think of that is stopping us from having a sticky pg. on the up side of things, taking the pills earlier did cause me to o sooner, which is what ive been trying to tell my dr from the begining!!! i took clomid in 2002 and took it cd 2-6 to help me o sooner!!!!! so now she will see that it truely does make a difference in me!!!! so maybe now my egg quality will also improve!

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cd14 I had some ewcm dripping out of me tonight, i hope that this is a good sign. ive had cramping off and on today too. i have been noticing increased urination and breast tenderness too.

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cd16
i guess my opk faked me out, so i think i ovulated cd 15 instead, my cervix felt very high and open as well. i am not having the o pain like i did the other day, but had tons of ewcm. i am still having ewcm, so dh and i are bding until i either get a temp surge or the cm dries up completely. i am still tender in my lower abdominal area, and bd did hurt as it always does near o time, i am just not sure how many more rounds of clomid that we are going to do. it is getting to the point that we are dying to see the re and finally have more answers, maybe it is just going to take us longer to get our bfp, at least one that i can hold on to. man this has been a long journey, we are not giving up, but man it just feels so hopeless today, i woke up feeling bummed because of the temp drop. if i am going to have a chance at this, i have to o sooner, otherwise my egg quality is going to be bad. i did ovulate late when i got pg with my son and he turned out ok, so im still trying to find some incouragement through all of the disappointment!!!!

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cd16 cont.
so last night and today i have been very tender in my lower belly/ left ovary, my temp is still playing tricks on me, and im starting to get frustrated with my body, sometimes i just want to throw in the towel, but at the end of the day i go to sleep thinking i have to do this, i cant give up, this matters too much to me and dh and my son too! it is so easy to become discouraged and i absolutely hate taking hpts with a passion, as a matter of fact i hate taking pg tests altogether. with every bfn i cry just a little bit more, and feel a little bit more hopeless every single month that we get nothing but disappointment.

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cd17
so im still having dull aches coming from both ovaries, and tonight i had a set of very very sharp cramps that was very intense for maybe a couple hours, and then it settled down back into an achy feeling on my ovaries. this is very strange for me. this cramping was as bad as or worse than af cramps!!!! i couldnt even stand up straight, without doubling over from the cramps, and couldnt move either, it was just too painful.

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todays cd 21 for me and i am not really feeling any "different". just had those wierd af type cramps the other day, and i have been having a lot of creamy discharge thats soaking my panties. very strange, but not impossible-at this point anything can be considered "normal". i try not to read into the signs too much because it doesnt hurt as much when af shows her ugly face!!!!
i had some slight spotting when i wiped earlier today, and have noticed some brownish discharge off and on for the past three days. im hoping that these are all good signs, but only time will tell.
i wish that i could have gotten a better temp going this mo, but it has been so chaotic around here lately, and now with my ankle injury i am really going to be out of sorts.
i see the dr the first week of dec and i pray that we will hear good news.

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cd 22 and my ankle is feeling slightly better, im still having that pinkish tan discharge a couple times a day. im not sure whats causing it yet, but i dont want to get all excited for nothing, so if i dont get af after next week then ill start testing.

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cd 23, still not sure what day i o'd... :? all i do know is that im feeling all worn out, and wanting to nap and sleep early, which is unusual because i am a night owl. im peeing all the time, but that started around cd 11ish, and the tender breasts started then too!!! my boobs dont hurt much now, which makes me think that im not going get my bfp this month!!!! they were very tender early on in my cycle, which makes me believe that i o'd early. my temps have gone up again today, if they peak 99 or better then i will start testing. i couldnt get the hospital to do a beta test the other day, they said i would be waiting forever for the result Sad i told em it was too early for a urine one, even if i were pg, thats extremely early. i have had some slight twinges of pain sorta like gas pain, maybe twice today and a couple times last night before i went to bed. oh my back has also been achy for the past week and a half. but is now a duller ache. man here i am reading into these signs.......i gotta STOP before i go NUTS!!!!! i said i wouldnt do it, and i havent gotten excited yet, i feel like im starting to get all worked up, i need to sit back and relax, if its gonna happen for us this month, we will know next week.

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cd 24, im thinking i o'd between cd11 and 13, so i should be able to test anytime now, whenever i get the courage to- that is. i just cant stand gettting another neg, today ive noticed very mild, and brief crampy like sensations in my lower belly, im not sure if this is a sign that af is going to show or not. usually i get these af type cramps before i start. but usually i get cramps like this a couple hours before af starts. so far nothing has happened, maybe i should check my cp. that should tell me if af is getting ready to start :? ttc is so very confusing, i wish there was a magic way for a woman to know right after bding if she is pg or not, making us wait is just not fair. you would think with our technology today, that we could be able to know this faster!!!

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cd 26, or whats left of it that is, today was more of the same, just some mild cramps still. i went and bought a hpt but havent taken it yet. i think ill wait until af is due, just to be sure its accurate. i have been feeling really down today, i hope that it passes tomorrow.

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cd 28, i got a free 5 day vip from ff yesterday, and that helped me to pinpoint my o date. i should have went with my first instincts and stayed with 15 or 16, but instead i kept letting that pos opk mess with my mind. ive been able to basically pinpoint my o time on my own for the past few yrs without temping or opks. so why am i obsessing over this opk business? next month i wont touch an opk, i never get an accurate reading on them anyways. today im feeling sorta crappy, and aggressively moody for some reason. my temp rose up again today. im just waiting to see if it stays up or drops tomorrow.

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cd 29, today is not much different than yesterday, i had very brief af type pain that lasted maybe 10-15 minutes. my breasts are getting more tender now, but my cervix is still closed. i see the dr tomorrow for a preg test and pos a blood test. i think even if i get a pos at the drs i still want a blood test.

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so thursday afternoon i went to the er because we were exposed to a gas leak that made my son ill. i also had myself checked too. so it turns out that i didnt have to wait till the 11th for the beta. turns out they did a beta and im pregnant!!!!! that feels so good to say!!!! i am pregnant, woooohoooo!!!!! stay with me baby bean, mommas gonna take good care of you!!! we love you baby!!!!

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here are my hpt's ..... done 12/6/05
12/8/05 beta 104

the second was a dollar store cheapie, that expired may of 2004!!!!
somehow it was still positive :shock:


done 12/11/05

newest beta results coming soon!!!! for dec 11th!!!