my story starts in nov 95 when i lost twins at 13 weeks. i got pg with the first "time"....and we used protection. go figure. so we decieded to try again and a year later i was pg. but this pregnancy was difficult with complications starting at 16 wks. -preterm labor dialated to 1/2 . so the gyn i was seeing didnt know their heads from their behinds...so 20 wks i opened to 1...they told me they couldnt do a thing for me...so i decided when i was 24 wks and opened to 2 to switch doctors and hospitals all together. i saw a new doc and was open to 3...and she immediately put me on complete bed rest...procardia..and home monitoring for contractions 2x/day, steroid shots every wk etc...had my son with shoulder dystocia...he was stuck in the b/c and had to be removed forcefully. but he was born healthy thank god with the help of a wonderful ob. the day after i had him i took the depo shot.
i was on depo until 99 and started ttc #2 in aug 99. my cycles seemed normal so i just thought it would take a while to concieve(it took nearly a year with my son) but in feb 2001 i was told in the er that i have pcos and wouldnt be able to have any more kids. my cycles lasted anywhere from 50-70days and the doc said if im o'ing it has to be every other month. and i couldnt get pregnant like that. i felt like it was hopeless, so i gave up for a while.
In may of 2002 i went to seek treatment from my obgyn. and started clomid and 150mg cd 3-7 did help me ovulate but it overstimulated my ovaries and the doctor took me off of the clomid because it made my pain unbearable due to the clusters of cysts that i then had. my ex and i split up shortly after, due in part to the strain of ttc and financial struggles.
john and i started talking on the phone in dec2002. you see we were childhood sweethearts, and had not spoken to each other since 1994-1995. his sister is married to my brother, so one day i was there visiting, and he called insisting that he talk to me. i tried to blow him off but boy was he persistant! and in 2003 he asked me to marry him. you can guess what happened from there. we started officially ttc on christmas day 2003, even though we were never actually preventing it in the first place! we just decieded to be more aggressive in trying. well again i didnt get preg. and john wanted more answers. he wanted to know why i wasnt preg yet.
so again i went to another doctor in may 2004, and he decieded to do a laproscopy/hsg and everything was normal no blockage, nothing. only a couple very small cysts that had since gone away. but i hit a stumbling block. i had an abnormal pap. so i had to have a colposcopy and cone biopsied and was non cancerous-thank God...But i had to wait for my cervix to heal and also had to have 3 normal paps in a year before starting clomid.
Then I started gaining weight like crazy. ive always been super skinny and im only 5'3 so im petite anyway. so in february 2005 they said i have prediabetes. and started metformin to help me to lose weight and help the infertility. i have since been told i am a full diabetic. So again i had to wait to get my sugar under control and lose some weight. they also said many women get pregnant on their own within 6 months of taking metformin and diet change. but again no luck.
so in mid august i went to see the obgyn again and had to have dh have an analysis done. i started provera and clomid 50 mg in the meantime. until the results of his s/a came back she wouldnt up my dose even though i felt that 50 didnt work in the past.
so i returned to visit for the results and dh is functioning better than ave. in all areas. so ive lost more than 35 lbs, my sugars are excellent and i have no cysts on my ovaries. so now she says i have some type of unexplained infertility. i start provera and clomid 100mg next time.
So here i am 6 yrs into my battle and praying for a miracle.
thursday, sept. 15th, i went to see my ob/gyn. the first thing that we found out was that dh s/a came back above average!!!! Great News! then dh asks about my mysterious grayish-purple clots that i passed during af, and he wanted to know if it was a m/c. so she went back to my previous appt...urine test neg aug 18th. she says well....it Could have been too soon to see a pg then. so then we both got upset. so i asked if anything else could cause that, she said NO. so she went on to say that i would of had to be 6 wks in order to see that tissue. so then i freaked out because i thought that i o'd the end of july. lmp before that was july8th. then i went on to ask about the intense cramping that i felt that didnt stop until after i passed it. she said it could have been a "missed pregnancy" that didnt show up on the urine yet. so i asked about the provera that she had given me to bring on AF? she reassured me that provera wouldnt have caused m/c and that many women take that to help a pg. that it was probably caused by a defect of some kind and that its normal to happen during that time. so she wrote the script for 100mg provera and 100mg clomid to start with af. she never gave me a clear answer as to whether i had a m/c or not.....probably due to the look of hurt in my eyes and mostly due to dh looking at her with hate. dh and i dont talk much about what happened that day in aug, but i think in our hearts we both know what it was. but admitting it would be far too painful.
well onto other news from the drs appt sept 15. i told her of the pain i had been having for two days cd17-18 so she wanted to check my ovaries for enlargement. she said not only were they not enlarged but i dont have ANY cysts!!! good news there. so she asked to do a pelvic.....ok...she says i have too much ewcm and that it could be a pg sign. umm ok. i told her that i felt like i was ready to o, because my cervix was open, soft, high, and had so much ew cm. but she wanted to test just to be sure. ok great- another let down. so i went home thinking something was wrong with me. she said it was too much ewcm and that it was too much to be from oing. ok im really defective....
cd19 the pain stoppedand cd20my ewcm turned milky and thick. and i had no temp rise to confirm oing. but i had all of the other signs.
so then i thought that i was nuts!!!! AND defective
so then i wondered if dh waking me up to a thermometer every morning was a bad thing because i usually slept right through temping most days because he didnt want to wake me.....i remember a lot of days when i wasnt sure if i had my mouth closed on the thing or not..zzzzzzzz
straight through the beep and all. so cd21 my temp dropped-maybe? still unsure if its accurate at this point. so cd22 i said ok im going to make sure he wakes me to temp. so then it spiked YAYYY. ff finally confirmed my o date for cd 21 but that makes no sense....cd 21 my cervix was low and closing with sticky cm. i never usually temp, because i can follow other signs of o. but the doc insisted on using that chart method. in which i cant read it that good and they never really told me how to read it properly in the first place....GRRRRR i still think i o'd cd 19 but hey 2 days doesnt make too much difference anyways.
so ok at 6dpo my temp dropped.....then at 7dpo it jumped higher than ever for the cycle!!! i woke up with the worst kind of pain/pressure of my life...intense sharp spasms in my uterus! it was like i was pinching a nerve or something. and the only thing to ease it, was to lay on my side with the pressure off my bottom and back. and then later on i had a slight staining only when i wipe. the pains gone and it only hurt for a short while in the morning yesterday. the staining only lasted a couple of hrs-3tops!
and i feel really wet, and when i check, it's slippery. i really hope this all points to a bfp. this has been a long journey, but after all these yrs i still have a reason to hope.
so today my temps are still up. and i got a phone call from my drs, saying my doc ordered a pelvic u/s to check for cysts. this is all that i need at this point. why didnt she do that when i saw her sept 15th? they told me that she was on vacation! i guess that i should have asked when it was ordered, because i know she's supposed to be on vacation this week and next week. and shes only in on thurs anyways, which makes me assume that it was ordered thurs and theyre just now calling me on monday? grrrr that pisses me off! im just hoping that its good news, because she had told me before that it didnt look like i had any cysts when she checked my ovaries. so i will just have to pray about that. i really dont want them touching me right now, when im trying to let implantation happen, i dont trust them, really i dont especially after what happened last month.
im trying to have faith, but im terrified that the vag u/s will hurt the implantation, because it always hurts so bad! maybe im just being paranoid, but i look at it like this, my cervix is already weak, and imcompetent, so applying pressure for 30 min while my bladder is full, cant be a great idea at 8dpo. i hope that im just being paranoid over nothing and it all works out great tomorrow.
well today was my u/s and everything went well. i dont appear to have cysts, the tech wouldnt tell me the results but she said she doesnt see any reason for me to be concerned with the test result. so im guessing thats her way to say that im fine. she was extremely gentle with me, so i cant complain about that. once i told her i was ttc she completely understood. i asked her about my uterus position and its anteverted and tilted too. thats what caused the complication during my sons birth, he actually came out sideways with only one shoulder coming out at a time. it wasnt pretty believe me, but she says it shouldnt hurt my chances of concieving. my temps are still up, im looking forward to a bfp
Yesterday: sept 30th which was cd33 for me. i woke up with a huge drop in temp!!!! then while out shopping with dh and my son, i kept running to the bathroom every half hour thinking af had started!!! and everytime i checked, i had nothing ziltch zero nada... so OK! today my temp went back up, and im not sure what that means!! so i took a hpt today at 13dpo and it was a BFN grrrrrrrr!!!!! ok so today i had zero symptoms of af and now im really really confused. im not testing again for a couple of days. i see the doc(not mine cause shes on vacation till next week) i see the doc on tues cause i had to call in due to serious breast pain.....no seriously i have fibrocystic breasts, and a fibroadenoma before the clomid, and now ive found a few new lumps that seriously hurt bad!!!! today they dont hurt as much, and usually cancerous lumps dont hurt. but ill get these biopsied too just to be safe. the nurse also told me to wait 7-10 days after my period is due and then do a hpt. maybe i should have waited then i wouldnt be so bummed right now.....
af started monday morning....blah!!!! thats all i needed to see. today i saw the obgyn that ive been wanting to see for months, all because my drs on vacation. which is the best thing that could have happened at this point. shes finally giving me answers to my questions and knows so much more about ttc and the meds. she examined me and found some cysts on my right breast and im getting u/s done friday, she said she wants to drain them.....ouch!!!! she reviewed my ttc history and says im not getting pg cuz im oing too late in my cycle. she wants to wait till after this round of temping, and cd21 prog test and then go from there. i just dont know how shes gonna fix this problem, i start the 100mg in a few days and im hoping somehow i o sooner. but hopefully illl have better news on the 25th when i see her again.
i have been out of sorts recently, im really really missing my mom, and im having a lot of down spells lately. ive found that shes always in my thoughts, and it has been very hard for me to accept the fact thats shes gone. i know that its crazy to feel this way, she passed away in april 2005, but this is my first time ever being without my mom. and to make matters worse, i live in her and my stepfathers home, that is until its sold off in the begining of next year. there are just too many memories of her here. i know i could never have too many memories of mom, but it just makes it so much more painful living here without her.
i lost my dad to cancer in may 2002,
my grandma and uncle in dec 2003,
my stepfather to pneumonia in june2004,
and my mom in april 2005.
and now my son's other grandma, is dying. i just dont believe this is happening this way. she is my sons only living grandparent, and i was always very close to her, even though my ex and i have been apart for 5yrs, she was like a second mom to me, and even after we split up, she and i remained to be very close. i just dont know how to deal with this right now.
ive been really distracted lately with all thats been going on. my ttc efforts really didnt matter much to me for a while there. i was really in a depressive slump, and it took a lot of soul searching to get myself back on track. i tried so hard to get pg before she passed, i think sometimes she wanted me to be preg more than i wanted to be preg. back in march i took clomid, and af started late for me. mom was so upset, i just didnt know what to say to her at the time. she was so happy because af didnt show, and it arrived a week late!!! when i told her the news she cried. that was the last week of march. mom got sick in the begining of april with what seemed like a cold. and come to find out it was so much more than just a cold.well needless to say i was devasted, i stopped the clomid that month(and conviently blamed it on the recently diagnosed diabetes) to get the family off my back about ttc because after she was gone, nothing made sense, i felt like i had no real purpose. i know that sounds twisted because i have an eight yr old that needs me, but i didnt see it that way at the time. i was consumed with sorrow. see i took care of mom, after my stepfather passed. if it hadnt been for john caring for my son, and i.....things might have turned out very badly. thankfully i went to therapy, i started to feel better and in aug i decieded it was time to try again, for moms sake and ours. it had been a long fight, and mom wouldnt want me to give up now.
i was doing alright, that is until the cold weather came, and i started making plans for thanksgiving dinner.( a dinner that i have never prepared by myself.) in my moms house without her guidance. it just seems wrong to celebrate it without her, but i know that she wouldnt want me to feel sad for her, or stop the tradition because she isnt here.
so onto other things. my sons grandma is still sick, but sounds a bit more coherent now. i spoke with her briefly the other night. ive made plans to make a dinner in my parents honor, and invited the family(who has been recently split apart) over for thanksgiving dinner. my brother finally got his surgery today and is doing much better. my best friend is healing from her surgery nicely as well. i swear i carry all the worry of everyone else on my shoulders, but i cant help it, im just a caring person.
now i feel much better, and at ease. my breast u/s came up normal. i just have thick breast tissue, not cysts. im so happy for that. the clomid just makes them uncomfortable because of the increase in hormones.
so then the issue of oing too late in cycle, more good news!
i got a +opk cd14 and temp rise cd16!!!!!!
so we were some bding fools in hopes of catching my eggy, now here comes the dreaded 2ww. i dont want to get too excited, in case this isnt my month, but im still hopeful. ill be waiting patiently for a bfp or af to show so we can try again.