Reflections & Ponderings <BFP 9-19-06>
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    Posting Addict I'm_a_pepper's Avatar
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    Default Reflections & Ponderings <BFP 9-19-06>

    Perhaps I should have made this a General Journal, b/c I intend to muse about other things besides TTC here, but I figure TTC is what brought me to pg.org and it happens to be what I think about most when I visit pg.org, so a TTC journal it became.

    The reason I like the name "Reflections & Ponderings" is b/c that is what I do most often when thinking of my TTC journey. I am either 'reflecting' on the past (what has already happened in this nearly 1.5 year TTC journey) or 'pondering' what is happening right now (2WW, etc) or what I hope will happen in the future.

    My thoughts are rarely ever logical and sequential (maybe most people's aren't) so this journal may wander quite a bit. I've never kept a full-scale journal for a long period of time before (in the past when I've kept journals I would usually quit writing in it after a few days) but maybe the fact that I can type it, and don't have to WRITE in it, will help me.

    I also like the fact that I can vent things here w/o worrying about making a new post on a BB everytime I have a thought - I'm not likely to do that anyway, as I'm a very private person.

    So here goes -
    Kim

    DS Austin ~ May '07
    DS Jake ~ January '10, a moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts...
    DD Allyson ~ December 1, 2011

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    My pg.org journal

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    First, I guess I should write a little bit about our TTC journey thus far, for documentation's sake and to catch up any of those who might be meeting me for the first time.

    I have always thought that I would have kids, but I had NO plan for when that was going to happen, and never worried about it one bit. I have never had a plan for my life, believe me when I say this... I truly go with the flow. Major decisions in my life are usually determined by the decision that 'feels right'. But by the grace of God, my life has turned out greater than I could have ever imagined and I owe that completely to God's blessings upon me. My DH is the most wonderful husband anyone could ask for, and we both have wonderful families and great jobs, some really good friends, and a loving church family. A lot of wonderful material things but most importantly, we have God in our lives and salvation through Jesus Christ.

    A bit of a ramble, sorry. Back to my original thought: having kids. I guess you could call me the epitome of a 'late bloomer'. I couldn't see myself NOT having kids, but it was not something I put a lot of thought into, ever. I didn't get married until I was 28, so having kids was not in the picture until then anyway. And then, once I got married, I was just enjoying being 'just the 2 of us' with my DH for a couple of years, not even thinking of anything kid-related. When friends from high school & college got pg, I was so happy for them but it did not effect me in any way...I could not relate. I was never around a lot of babies, never babysat growing up, so the thought of having kids was slightly foreign to me.

    But in about summer of 04, DH and I started having the beginnings of conversations about having children, and we wondered if we should start trying. I was very laissez-faire about the whole thing, in no hurry at all. So I decided to ask my OB/GYN at my regular pap exam, about going off the pill. This was in Sept. '04. He told me that when I decided to start TTC, just finish my pack of BC, and wait a month to make sure my AF comes naturally, then start trying.

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    REFLECTIONS
    September 2004-April 2005


    So, I had the info from my Doc on what to do when we did decide to make the leap.

    Not sure why, but I just kept refilling my BCP. Every now and then, we would mention trying to get pg, but it was in a kind of fear-filled, "oh my gosh, are we really going to do it?" kind of way.

    Fast forward to April '05. DH and I were in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere, and I was about to start another pack of pills. I said, "OK, I am fixing to start another pack of pills, what do you think - should we do it?" And he's like, "Sure - what the heck" so then and there, that was when we fully took the Nestea plunge.

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    REFLECTIONS
    April-June 2005


    When we first started, my attitude towards TTC was very much "Let's see what happens...if it's meant to be, it'll be". My first month off of BC, my AF came right on time 26-28 days later. My cycles have always been very regular....every month like clockwork since the age of 12, AF has paid me a visit. I feel incredibly blessed for this to be the case, as I have definitely figured out since that not all women are like this.

    So June of 2005 was our official first cycle 'trying'. Although I'm not sure how much of a chance we had, since I was clueless as to when I ovulated, and really had no concept of anything TTC. All I knew was that I wasn't on BCP anymore. Nevertheless, AF came for me that first month. I really had no disappointment at all, since I figured it would take quite a while to conceive. I had no delusions that it would happen soon, since I had heard that it takes up to 6 months for BCP to leave your system.

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    REFLECTIONS
    June/July 2005


    So, here we went again...cycle #2. This time I got the bright idea to BD for 4 days straight around the time I *thought* I would ovulate - BRILLIANT! I looked up my "fertile days" on the Internet and got very excited when I figured out that we were BDing at the right time!

    But again, I had no delusions that it was going to work....I had no idea what to look for pg-wise. I remember I had a horrible sinus headache in the 2WW (on July 4th actually) and didn't want to take anything. That is the first night I confessed to my good friend that we were TTC. I must interject and tell you a little about this good friend. She and her DH had actually been TTC, but we had never discussed it with each other. I didn't realize until that night that they had already been trying for 2 years! So even though we were already close friends, that is how we came to bond even more, sharing our TTC journeys with each other.

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    REFLECTIONS
    July 2005


    AF was supposed to start around July 10 or 11. On Monday, July 11, I began my usual light brown spotting. By Tuesday night, the spotting had not increased any at all...still just very light brown spotting. So on my way home from work, I stopped by CVS and bought a HPT (generic CVS brand) Looking back, i should have probably spent the $ on a dang digital, it would have probably told the story a little sooner, but oh well. I took the HPT that evening. This was before I knew anything about TTC and I hadn't a clue that it was better to use FMU. It was a blazing BFN. I was a little disappointed and still kind of confused that my spotting was still SO light, seeing as how I should have started AF by then. But DH and I went to Taco Bueno for dinner, and I drowned my sorrows in salsa and a big Dr. Pepper!

    On Thursday after work, my friend and I had an appointment to get a spray-on tan at one of those regenerist/laser treatment/salon places. I was still barely spotting light brown, so I was starting to get suspicious. I looked up "implantation spotting" on the Internet but most of what I read indicated that it usually happens BEFORE your period is due. So I sort of blew that off. But just in case, I called the salon to see if the spray-on tan was safe if you were pg. They said yes, it is a natural-based substance and it is perfectly safe if you were pg. (I was ready to cancel on my friend, even though I didn't want to, if they said it was unsafe). So, we got our tans that Thurs. evening after work.

    Friday evening, I was STILL just spotting very light brown and this was just WAY too unusual for me. That evening, DH and I were supposed to go to a theatre production at the university where I work. So, on my way home from work, I bought a 2-pack of FRER and when I got home, I POAS. Lo and behold, a faint pink line. It was very faint, but not so faint that you had to hold it up to the light and turn it sideways to see it. I showed it to DH and he saw it, too.

    I immediately jumped on the Internet b/c I had no idea if that meant anything or not. Everything I read indicated that "a line is a line", so I told DH, "I think this means we may be pg!" But we were both still unsure and cautious to believe it for sure.

    On Saturday afternoon, I took the other FRER and another faint line appeared. I was starting to believe it a little more, but I think DH was still not convinced.

    On Sunday after church, I told DH to stop by Target. I bought the most expensive EPT digital I could find. I wanted this thing settled. I took it when I got home with hands shaking. That is the most anxious, nervous feeling in the world, peeing on that stick. In just a few seconds, it showed "Pregnant". I showed it to DH and I think finally it sunk in.

    I spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze. DH and I talked a little bit about the baby, but we were a little shy and unsure of ourselves. This was all SO shocking and weird.

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    Sorry, I haven't felt like posting the past couple of days. I think I'm ready now. I will continue with my story.

    REFLECTIONS
    July 2005, continued


    That was Sunday, July 17. On Monday, July 18, I called my doctor's office to see what I needed to do, if I needed to come in, etc. The nurse said, "if you've taken 3 pg tests and they're all positive, that's good enough for us - you're pregnant", and she said the Dr. doesn't even like to see his pg patients till they're 8 weeks along, so she scheduled my first OB appt for August 16. That seemed SO far away! I called and told my DH and he emailed his boss asking off for that morning, so he could go with me. That is sad now, thinking about it.

    But anyway, I felt fine all day Monday...no cramping, but I was still spotting light brown. I asked the nurse if that was okay, and she said as long as I wasn't bleeding bright red or cramping really bad, that was normal. I also told her I was having "twinges" in my abdomen and she reassured me that was normal too.

    So Monday night is when I made the call to my parents and my sister. My dad answered when I called my folks. We made a little chit-chat and then I said, "well, we've got some news!" and he said "You do!" and I said, "yes, we're going to have a baby!" He was excited, and when my mom got on the phone the first thing she said was "am I going to be a Nana?" It was so sweet! Then I called my sister and told her, and she was spinning into orbit, she was so excited. This was to be the first grand-baby on both mine and DH's side.

    Tuesday morning, I got to work and my mind was still spinning with all the things that come with just finding out you're pg. I was still a little in shock, but it was slowly starting to sink in. I was just mostly in a daze.
    Then about mid-morning, I started cramping in my lower abdomen. It was definitely uncomfortable, and somewhat painful, but not unbearable. I was mildly freaking out, b/c I just wasn't sure what constituted "bad cramping" and if this was considered to be it or not. I wasn't sure if I was making it out to be worse than it really was. It lasted for about a hour, then went away. But almost immediately after the cramping stopped, I went to the bathroom and my spotting started turning dark brown. I thought that was strange, but as I had had no bright red bleeding, I thought everything was okay. So I went through the rest of the day, spotting darker brown and getting more of this unsettled, uneasy feeling all day long.

    That evening, DH's brother called, and against my better judgment, I let DH tell him about us being pg. I still had a bad feeling about the cramping though.

    I just happened to be off work for vacation the next 3 days (Wed, Thurs, & Fri). Wednesday morning, the spotting was getting a little darker and (TMI) I passed some dark brown stringy, clotty-like stuff. I called the Dr. and spoke to the same nurse I had spoken to 2 days before...I told her about the cramping and the dark spotting. She spoke to my Dr. and got back on the phone. I will never forget her words..."I spoke to Dr. P, and he said it sounds like you may be miscarrying." She told me that there was really nothing they could do, to put my feet up and rest for the next few days, and if the bleeding got too bad, to go to the ER. And that was that. I was shell-shocked. I NEVER expected this to happen. I called my mom and she pretty much confirmed what I was thinking....that this pgcy was not going to make it.

    I didn't start bleeding until the next afternoon (Thursday). I'll never forget...I was watching "The Stepford Wives" (I had borrowed a bunch of DVD's from my friend). It was like the heaviest AF I've ever had in my life. The cramping was awful, I was eating Tylenol like they were M&M's, and the bleeding was SO heavy. I started looking on the Internet and reading about people who were RH negative and needing a Rhogam shot if they miscarry. Well, I'm O negative blood type, so I needed one. No one at my Dr.'s office had bothered to tell me this. So I called the ER and they said I better come in for one.

    Off we go (DH & I) to the ER. That was a horrible experience. I was just so sad sitting in the waiting room, my eyes kept tearing up thinking what a lonely experience it was. DH and I live 4-5 hours away from our families, so it's always just the 2 of us. Which is not bad, he's my best friend and we are so close and do everything together, but it can be lonely without the family support in times such as that.

    So the ER doc did a HCG blood test (which came back at 11...he said anything below a 5 is considered 'not pregnant'). They also did a vag. u/s, which showed everything was pretty much cleared out (did I mention I was bleeding heavily through all this...I was SO humiliated), and they gave me a Rhogam shot.

    I continued to bleed for another few days but then it tapered off, just like an AF would. All in all, it was a very humbling experience. I feel lucky that I didn't have to go through a D&C or anything worse. It definitely opened my eyes to the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy and the "first-time" innocence of seeing those 2 pink lines was gone.

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    REFLECTIONS
    July 05 - September 06


    We waited one cycle after the m/c (per my Dr.'s orders) and began TTC again in August 05.

    In September 05, I visited my Dr. for my yearly pap exam. He told me that if I wasn't pg in 6 months, to come back and see him.

    In February 06, my close friend that I mentioned before, who had been TTC for 3 long years, got preggo!! I was so completely happy for her. It was her 3rd round of Clomid.

    SO....in March 06, I went back to see my Dr. for the dreaded "Why am I not pg yet" appointment. Being as I was age 32, I guess he was ready to get the show on the road, b/c he laid out a plan. First, an SA for DH. Then, if everything was OK on that, an HSG for me. Then onto Clomid and possibly IUI. I felt a lot of hope after that appointment.

    DH did the SA in April 06. Normal results! Actually - he's an overachiever...the Dr. said he likes to see at least 200 million, and he had 450 million! So no problems there.

    After a couple of months procrastinating, I had an HSG in July 06. The Dr. said my tubes were clear, no problems, but the radiologist tech showed me the still shots after the Dr. was gone, and she said that the dye had a little trouble going into my left tube (or was it my right?) but it pushed through, and she said, "If it was blocked before, it's not blocked now!"

    The next step was Clomid. In August 06, I took one round of 50mg on CD 5-10, which did not get me pregnant. BUT...the good news is that I had 2 good size follies (over 2cm) and my progesterone at 5DPO was 27.7!

    This month, my Dr. was going to be out of town during the time I would need my CD12 u/s, so I am taking a month off Clomid. If no BFP this month (which I'm not expecting), then I will start again on Clomid next cycle.

    So, here I sit. Whew...that feels good to get all that history out!
    I plan to keep this journal updated with my current TTC activities from here on out.

    Happy 5th Anniversary pregnancy.org! This place is an amazing group of people -- I have never been a part of a bulletin board community before, and I have such respect for the wonderful women I have met on here... I don't know what I would have done without them throughout this journey thus far.

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    I am currently 9DPO (I think). I didn't temp during some crucial days right around O, so FF wouldn't give me crosshairs, so I overrode them. I'm pretty sure I O'd on CD14.
    I wasn't going to temp or use OPKs at all this month, but I did anyway. Bad me! I just hate seeing only the cycle day on my chart and not __DPO.

    So far, no "symptoms". I stopped obsessing a long time ago over symptoms, b/c it gets you nowhere. I have had every possible combination of "symptoms" and not been pg, so I don't do that anymore. The only thing different about this month is that usually I get sore BB's right after O, and they haven't been sore at all this month. So that is something different, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

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    So, I totally expected my temp to go down today, b/c well, it usually drops by now. And I should have started spotting yesterday or today. So far, no spotting, and my temp went up this morning. But, I didn't sleep well last night, I kept half-waking up b/c my body wasn't that sleepy. I took a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon, that's why. Why do I do that to myself? Anyway, the other thing that's different about this month is that my bbs didn't start hurting till around 10DPO, and they usually start hurting a couple of days after O. But all of this really means nothing.

    The weirdest thing happened to me last night. I went to get groceries at the Wal-mart supercenter, and I was in the bathroom before I started shopping. I had just finished using the bathroom and I was washing my hands, and I could hear these 2 girls talking in a stall, I heard them say something about a 'white line' or something like that. I thought to myself that they were probably talking about a pgcy test. So they come out of the stall, and one of them (she looks to be about 16 or 17) is holding a Equate pgcy test. She comes up to me, looks me right in the eye and says, "Can I ask you a question? Do you have kids?" I was thinking to myself, "If you only knew!" But I said no, we're trying. She asked me to look at her pgcy test -- it was the kind that is supposed to have a + sign if you are pg. Well, the horizontal line was there, and it was pink, but the vertical line was white. It was the weirdest thing - there was definitely a line there, but it was white. I told her I think it has to be pink. The girl proceeds to tell me "It is my birthday tomorrow and I want to know if I am pg so I can drink or not" Unbelievable. I was thinking "that is the least of your worries" but again I told her I think the line has to be pink but I had never seen a test do that before, I would take another one if I were her. She just sighed, and said "oh well", chunked the test in the trash and left the store with her friend. CRAZY. I did not know what to think about that. I hate to pass judgment on anyone but this girl did not look like she could afford to be taking care of a baby or was even old enough, for that matter.

    On a good note, it rained yesterday! Yay- thank you God! It rained pretty much all day long, and our parched earth needed it so bad. It was SO nice taking a nap yesterday when it was raining outside.

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