Renewed Sense of Hope

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Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33
Renewed Sense of Hope

Here we are again...
I was so relieved when I found out we were pregnant with Kolm after trying for several months.
I hate the TRYING part.
I thought that this phase of my life was over. We were expecting our final baby with so much excitement....

One year ago, he didn't even exist.
Now, my beautiful, sweet little boy is gone.
So much has changed. The sadness is with me always. I try to put on a happy face as much as I can, but there is an innocence that is gone.
Stastics don't seem so distant anymore...

TTC so soon after his passing is hard. The grieving wears you out, and adding the stress of TTC into the mix is rough.
I hope it won't be too long, but at the same time I am so scared of being pregnant again. What if it happens again? I cannot bury another baby.
I am going to be such a moody wreck until I get that first anatomical ultrasound at 18 weeks.
Until that point, I had hope that Kolm was ok. I don't ever want to feel the pain of that news again.
I just hope everything will be ok...

Leah is changing so fast...she makes my heart overflow with her funny self. Yeppers...she will make this time more bearable.

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

This temping thing is so frustrating.
I shouldn't say the temping part is frustrating. Lord knows I have enough experience with that.
It's the other 'signs' that are frustrating.
Cervical position: Yuhhh! Mine is high during one part of the day, low at another time of the day. the chart gives me the option of 'high/soft/open' or 'low/firm/closed'.
What? No 'high/firm/closed'
no 'low/soft/open'?
Is my body just out of whack? Does a tipped uterus make a difference?
And how about CM. Trying to determine CM texture the morning after BDing is a challenge for sure.
Ughh. I wish it woudl just happen.
I'm tempted to go buy those sticks or maybe that kit that you examine your saliva on slides.
Then I worry I am trying too hard and it won't happen.

On to happier things...my new computer will be here Friday!
It will be so much faster than this one. Maybe it will motivate me to do more CM and cervical position research. Smile

Off to drink a ton of water. I should be O'ing within the next 3 days.
Booty duty tonight.
At least I feel like it's booty duty during conception week!

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

Ok...I did it. I went out and bought the OPK.
7 sticks. If I can't hit ovulation on ONE of them, I've got a problem! Lol!

Now I just have to read the directions. I really want to try one out tonight.
Hopefully I don't have to wait til morning.

Now I just have to remember to add the results to my chart. Dr. S will want to see everything in a few months if I'm not preggers.

Off to read. I hope this helps. It's so hard to tell when your eggs are 'ripe' when you're an old fart like me. Lol

I really hate that new laughing face emoticon.
:mrgreen:

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

Okay...looks like I'm not set to ovulate in the next 24-36 hours according to 'the stick'.

I think I will test in the a.m. when I get up.

Too much of a pain in the butt to go 4 hours without a potty break during the day.

No BDing tonight. Not sure if that's a Biggrin

or a

:cry:

I just know I'm really :sleepy1:

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

K...stick still says not ovulating this a.m. (not that I thought it would change from 8 last night!).
It just fits into my routine better to test in the a.m.
IF I ovulate this month, I think it will be between Friday and Sunday.
Seems I have always been between day 11 and 13.

Now I have to get to work trying to think of ways to RELAX. I always get so stressed out when I know I am ovulating now. The PRESSURE!!!!!!!!
:x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x

Hmmm...what can I do to relax? Shopping! That always usedt o do it when I actually had $$$! LOL!
Being a SAHM puts the kabosh on that.
A nice warm bubble bath with a good book...some candles...and Logan and Kaylee knocking on the door asking me stupid questions like "when are my favorite jeans going to be washed?"

"Oh, you mean the ones you JUST took off a half hour ago?"

If they aren't knocking, Brian will be busting in with Leah saying "she wanted to seeeee you!"
Adorable, yes. Relaxing? NOT! It's tough when you've got an 18 month old trying to climb all over you in a standard 4 foot tub. HeeHEEE!

I know! I can relax by going away to a hotel and getting pampered for the weekend. Of course it will be hard to conceive with Brian here at the house while I'm lounging at the hotel pool. :biglaugh:

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

OPK negative.
I don't know why you get bummed when it's negative 2 days before you are expecting it to be positive. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'm not ovulating??
I really don't think I will O before tomorrow or Sunday.

Normally your sex drive increases at the time of ovulation. Not mine!! t gets worse!

Beginning of the week we can't stay away from each other, now I'm like "blechhhh!" It's the pressure I tell ya!

It is hard to see so many of the women on the TTC board get so sad when they get their period. More get it than graduate.
I remember that 'Miracle of Life' documentary. They said EVERYTHING has to be working with exact precision on a conception month...said it's a miracle it ever happens.
Dr. S said that on any given month, even when everything is in place...you only have a 25% chance of conceiving. That's for normally fertile couples. I'm older so I am sure that it's less for me.
The average for her patients is 8 months.
This is only month 3 for us. At 6 months she said we can 'intervene' and try a half dose of clomid.
Normally they wait a year to do anything unless you are over 35.

I am undecided about taking that approach. Mom's brothers are twin, my cousin had twins, and Brian is a twin (though they say it doesn't matter on the man's side).

I DO NOT want to get PG with twins. I don't think my body could carry them to term. I don't want to bury any more babies. :cry:

Hopefully it won't come to me needing the Clomid...

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

OPK positive!

The signs other than that are baffling though. CM is not egg white...I thought the hormone that makes your OPK positive was the same hormone that gives you slippery CM????
AND, I thought cervix was supposed to be high and soft. Mine seems high, but not soft.

Maybe you have to have all 3 for a successful conception to take place.

I am going to check it throughout the day to see if it changes. The OPK just tells you O will occur within 24-36 hours, so maybe as I get closer to the actual O CM and CP will change??

Geesh! I've always just gone by temps and learning about all the other crap is confusing at times!

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

I have to remember to note this in case I ever have to take it to Dr. S should the TTC take longer than hoped.

I have been trying really hard to change my lifestyle. I have been walking at least 5x a week, and making healthier food choices.
I want to make sure I am eating nutritiously so that my body is running as smoothly as possible. I have lost 6 pounds since I started walking/eating better!
Still a far cry from my pre-Leah weight, but I hope to get there again in time.
I am still taking my prenatal vitamin every day and making Brian take a vitamin too. Lol
I am also drinking a minimum of 5 24oz bottles of water a day. Almost a gallon. I am sure my juice and milk makes up the difference.

At least I feel like I am doing everything I can...
Each month that I don't conceive gives me a chance to continue to improve my health bettering my odds for conception (I hope!).

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

OPK positive again today. I do feel kind of crampy too. Since I usually have pain with ovulation, I'm guessing I will be O today.
Let the two weeks of post ovulatory 'am I or aren't I' stress begin.

TTC again is also making me think about whether or not I want to tell family before the 12 week mark. If I miscarry, I don't have to deal with 'untelling' everyone.
Course Tammy asks me every time she is over how the TTC is going. Sisters just pick up on this stuff. She knows when my period is due, so she'll ask me if I got it on that day.
Ughhh. I hope she just forgets.
Then again, I always start showing at about 7 - 8 weeks, so hiding it could get tricky.

I dunno....

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

OPK negative, but I still have EMCM and my cervix is still high.
Oh well...hopefully weekend BDing did the trick. B is always sooo tired on Mondays.
We had a nice day yesterday. I'm trying to stay super relaxed (just short of jello) in general, around the time of ovulation especially.
Not an easy task for someone who admits she is a full blown type A personality.
Is there such a thing as a Type C?? I think I will strive to become that.
Lol

I read the other day that milk affects your fertility negatively as you age. Countries that have high milk consumption also have the sharpest age related fertility drop.

Guess we'll find out. I always drank at least 3 glasses a day until a month or so ago. When I am trying to lose weight, milk is the first thing I get rid of. I go out and buy a big jar of tums so I can get my calcium w/o all the calories.

If I don't get my period, I guess the test date will be the 13th. Seems so far away....

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

I think I actually ovulated yesterday. I was achy on Sunday, but yesterday afternoon I had the actual 15 minute pain that I usually have when I ovulate. The OPK was negative yesterday too. Hmmmm...
That might mean that next month, we will have to BD the first day the OPK is negative too. CM wasn't quite as friendly yesterday though. In the a.m., it was still a bit of EW, but by afternoon it was getting sticky.
Hopefully we have some strong swimmers left from the weekend! Blum 3

Perhaps we should have waited til Sunday night instead of later in the afternoon. I just hate waiting until night time...

Punkin's awake! yay!

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

I feel yucky. It's only two days past ovulation and I feel like I am going to get my period today. I know, never comes two days later, but I'm still achy.
My temp was really high today too. 98.8 degrees. Talk about some messy hormones this month! Whew!
I hope I'm not coming down with some nasty virus. That's a huge jump.
I didn't sleep the greatest again last night though. That might be why it bounced up sooo high.
I am never eating dinner that late again!

12 more days until I get to test if AF doesn't arrive.
I'm just going to try to stay busy busy busy.
Think I'll prime the den today!

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

11 more days...

Took my temp this a.m. and it was back to a more 'normal' post ovulation temp.
That 98.8 yesterday was too weird. I didn't feel good though, so I may have had a touch of something icky.

Yesterday I managed to keep busy by mopping all the floors, meal planning for the next two weeks, doing umpteen loads of laundry, making a big ham dinner, and going for a two mile walk.

Today I think I'll take Leah to the grocery store with me. That always eats up the morning.
I think this part of the waiting isn't really too bad though. It's that last week that gets you.

:roll:

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

Man, my temps are @#$%^&!!!!!
I am back up to 98.8 today. I also started a bit of pink spotting. Barely noticeable on the TP.
I know it's too soon for implantation spotting.
Could be from the follice rupturing as Dr. S figures. That was AT LEAST 4 days ago though. I would think that would be gone by now, or would be brownish at the very least.
??????????????????????
I hope my hormones aren't out of whack. If they are it will take forever to get PG. :timer:
You can just wipe that smiley face off that timer!!! :x

Joined: 02/18/03
Posts: 33

okay...definitely need to change temping time to 4:00 a.m. next cycle.
My chart looks like the freakin' Rocky Mountains. My sleep AFTER 4 a.m. is just not solid enough. I think it throws my temps off like crazy.
Hopefully it will give me a better pattern once I switch it.
Heck, I'm post ovulation, maybe I should just do it now and see if it appears more consistent. I already know this month is a bust with the spotting/cramping I've had anyways, so it can't hurt to change it now!
I'm such a crappy sleeper. Temping has never been as hard in previous years. Sad