A Return...But Just Going With The Flow

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Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485
A Return...But Just Going With The Flow

I feel weird starting a journal here again. Not sure how much I will use this really but figured I should start one. Life has started a new for me as for 2.28.08. The past is in the past, I have learned a lot and grew from it in many ways.

Life is now on track fully and completely I feel like and almost complete really.
Just missing that one thing I have always felt would be part of my life and that is a little one. It's been hard lately with everyone I know becoming a parent.

Now, with being married again and feeling confident this one is meant to last, it's time to think about the wee one idea again. Being I am school and he is in school as well we are just going to let nature take its course. As much as I would like things to happen fast, I am going to go with it and not get my heart to involved yet. Even though the losses were years ago, I don't know if my heart could take it.

So anyways...

AF showed up Friday....
There will not be much to discuss during this time.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

With the old AF slowly coming to an end, thoughts of TTC run through my head. I have never been good at keeping up temping and charting, etc. So I am debating back and forth if I want to do it. I am keeping track of my cycles and have been since I went off bcps but that is it.

I may give temping a go and see how it goes again but last time I was down the TTC road it didn't go so well

I don't know we will see....

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

I really wish AF would decide what it's doing...staying or going.

Still going back and forth in my mind how much effort I want to put into ttc'ing in terms of charting, temping, etc. With school and work, not sure if the extra stress would be good or bad.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

So AF finally went packing on Thursday night, and Friday night started the fun of really enjoying being married:)

For atleast this round and maybe the next we are just going with the flow. I pretty much decided with school and work, I just don't want to add more stress. There was more stress then I really need with the con, wedding, work and school. So now is a much needed break.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Not much to report I guess. We have had a lot of fun (bd'ing) since life calmed down from the wedding and convention and getting back into school.Well this week though, Dan's had some issues with some rather important parts. I am glad he is finally on my medical insurance so we can get him looked at. He thinks it probably to do with a build up of scar tissue when he had surgery down there about 6 years ago.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

yay medical insurance:)
So a week ago Dan was finally put on my insurance and got a card but he hadn't had time with his school work and whatnot to make an appointment. Well, he finally made an appointment for a physical.

I am scared but excited at the same time. I am excited because it means we can find out exactly how things are working but scared because I know it will more and likely mean some surgery on the important part to the whole TTC process

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Life is just plugging along, I was thinking that maybe I should have waited to start this journal being we aren't really actively doing anything to help the process but not really doing anything to prevent it as well.

I can't believe it's already been a little over a month now since getting married.
Time flys....

What else?
Not much except I am happy to see that it appears maybe just maybe Spring is in the air here in Minnesota.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well, it's that time again. The witch has showed, I fully expected it being we didn't really get to having much fun.

Dan was suppose to have his doctor appointment on Tuesday but had to cancel. So today is the day. Hopefully the doctor will figure some things out and refer him if needed then maybe we can really really start working on things. The only real big downer is that we both are leading inot the last month of school so stress levels shall be through the roof.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Not much going on...
Af is not being very nice to me but really when is she ever nice?
The good thing happening? Dan had his appointment and found out he has a nasty kidney infection so that is finally getting taken care of. He also was able to get a referal to a urologist to check on the structure of his uthera (sp?). So hopefuly that appointment will pave the way for something good.

Well I should try and get some homework done. Been out of sorts today.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well, as usual not much to report.

Life is getting crazier by the day with school stuff coming to an end and getting ready for my summer class (or trying to...still need to find time to call the school and find out if this one will transfer).

AF is finally out the door so who knows we shall see what happens. I am guessing with stress levels high, nothing will be but who knows.

and then in total non TTC related things. I was helping Dan with school research for one of his papers. He is writing it on Police Stress and as I was helping him look up books it really dawned on me that it's time to start getting mentally prepared that I will be married to a police officer around this time next year. Ever sense he was in school I knew it but never really thought hard about it. So needless to say I need to think about it, think hard about it. So, I ordered a couple of books I saw on Amazon.com and which Dan asked one of his instructors about and he highly recommended the books. That made me feel better.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well it's been a few weeks since I last wrote anything...
and nothing much to report.

School is driving me mad with I am feeling so mentally drained.

...that's it! Back to regularly scheduled stuff

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well, AF showed up a day early this time around. I was expecting it to be fairly late with all the school stress. AF has not been nice....

Dan had his appointment with his urologist and has been referred to the Mayo for surgery. He has a build up on scar tissue in his urethra (sp?) The doctor thinks thinks that this will help in many ways. So I am hoping this will help with the TTC along with other things.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

well AF is gone...
Thank the gods as this one for some reason was rather hard on me. I think between the usual swing of emotions during AF and the stress of school, work and Dan's impending surgery I was a basketcase having a couple emotional meltdowns, it was not pretty.

Hopefully we will hear this week aobut his surgery and get it scheduled. Then maybe after the healing is done we can get this TTC show on the road.

2 more weeks of school and the stress levels in life should decrease 10 fold:)

...and in other news I heard E's dad passed away. He was a good man and will be missed. I am glad that he was able to see E's son and be a grandpa for a while being E and I when we were married were unable to do so. I am thinking about sending a card but part of me feels a little out of sorts about it. I do not want to offend anyone you know.

Well I should get back to work.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Wow, been a bit of time since I last posted.

What's happening?

School is done until Saturday when I start my summer class, it's just one Math class so hopefully it won't be to bad.

Chicago trip to visit Steve and Jana is more and likely out the door due to health issues

Speaking of health issues, the doc at the mayo sent Dan's stuff to the head and now they want to run a bunch of tests before his surgery which really sucks. It's so hard watching him be so miserable. They can't get him in for the tests until June 4th at 7am. This is not going to be fun driving to Rochester that early to make it on time.

Well better to get back to work

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well I guess I am rather neglectful of this place. There really isn't much to write about at the moment really.

School is done and I managed to get A, A- and A-.
Dan's school is done as well and he is not taking any summer classes due to his impending surgery. I am taking one on Saturdays which so far hasn't been to bad.

Wednesdy is finally his appointment at the Mayo which is good. I hope the surgery is scheduled quickly afterwards.

AF showed up yesterday so that stinks.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well AF is gone, Dan's appointment is Wednesday...
One can only hope this is a good sign. I hope and pray he gets his surgery sooner then later. We are both at our wits end really.

Otherwise...life is just trucking along.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Never really got to update after the appointment...
Basically I think TTC is on hold for a bit.
He has to have a meeting with a oral surgeon on July 11th
then meeting with the Urologist on July 15th
then surgery and he will be in the hospital for 5 days on complete bed rest.
Then he will need to have a cathader for 3 weeks.

Beyond that...

I went to my student teacher meeting so I will be getting all that ready this summer

I guess maybe near the end of the year will be the major TTC time.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Wow...Can't believe June is almost done.
CONvergence is a mere few weeks
Then Dan's appointment with the oral surgeon and hopefully get a surgery date.

Then either Sept 1 or Oct 1 we are moving...
The current apartment is turning into such a not a good place to live
We found a nice place this weekend and got accepted today.

In terms of TTC stuff...
Just going with the flow
not expecting anything
nothing to report.

I am not going to go crazy until after his surgery.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

this is a change from the last couple of months where AF showed up right pretty much on the dot.

Sitting here at 2 days late...
I don't want to think anything of it...
but sometimes in the back of my head I get that little what if...

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well AF decided to show on the 31st day...
I was doing fine with it until I had a moment where I thought to much on day 30 of the cycle, peed on the ol stick, got a big ol fat negative and then low and behold the next day AF arrived in the usual cruel fashion of cramps that make me loathe being female at times.

Not much is happening in life....

Still just waiting on July 11th...

CONvergence is coming up so that will take our minds off things.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Back from CONvergence...
Good times were had...
Kind of a different feel to it this year. Maybe I was expecting something insane, I don't know. it was good though...Already getting ready for next year.

Now waiting for Friday the 11th and Dan's appointment.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Friday the 11th was Dan's consult with the oral suregon...
He got the ok that his cheek tissue would work for the graft.
Tuesday we go back for the final appointment and hopefully a surgery date. I want to get the show on the road, get him better and get down to some serious TTC'ing.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Still nothing to report TTC related...
But hopefully this will help us finally get on that road.
On Tuesday we went back down the Mayo and got a surgery date.
Surgery is on July 22nd, then he is on bedrest down there for 5 days, home with a cathader (sp?) for 3 weeks and then back down for a check up and hopeful removal of said cathader and on with life.

Here is what he has and why the surgery:
He has a uretheral stricture (http://www.mayoclinic.org/urethral-stricture/) and they are basically doing some reconstruction down in that area.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

So, now I have updated Dan's surgery...
I suppose I can talk about life in general.

My motivation levels this summer have been nonexistant which on one hand is nice but the other hand drives me nutty not being crazy busy.

Work has been work

My Math summer class is almost done

and Sept 29th Dan and I are moving to a new apartment. It's a 2 bedroom in a rather nice complex so I am excited.

Otherwise...we are just plugging along.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well it's almost here...
the surgery is tomorrow, I feel like I am more nervous then Dan is...
I just chalk it up to being on the wrong side of a surgery once and ended up in the hospital for 3 months.

If anyone has any good thoughts, prayers, vibes they can direct towards Rochester, MN and the Mayo I would be grateful

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

yeah another non ttc related post. Part of me wonders if I really should have just started a regular journal and then move it to a TTC journal when that happens.

Sitting at St. Mary's Hospital which is part of the Mayo Clinic. Dan's currently in surgery and I am hanging out in the waiting room which surprisingly have computers available. I really should be trying to nap or do some homework. I feel like I can't think straight right now, so sleepy.

Made some phone calls though to the siser in law, mother in law and brother in law, along with a few texts to friends.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well surgery day has came and went...
Feeling tired, drained and utterly useless sitting in his hospital room while watching him sleep off the drugs, I drove back home yesterday. I do have to say that was one of the longest hour and half drives of my life. I got home said HI to the kitties and wanted to collapse and fall asleep. Didn't happen...
Had a chat over the phone with a friend which was needed
broke down after said call feeling horrible for coming home, I really wish I could have stayed down there
Spent time online and then tried to sleep...I slept for a few hours here and a few hours there but it was very disruptive, I found myself waking up a lot after I thought it must have been morning and it was time to get up. Nope, it was 12:30am, 2am, 3am, 5am, 5:45am...and finally told myself to just get up.

Now just sitting here at work waiting for the word that is o.k. to leave early and I can make my trek back down there.

The surgery went well but longer then to be expected.
The doc was shocked to see how big the stricture was. He said that it must have been damn near impossible for Dan to pee at all. He was surprised that he could get anything out. So now it's a waiting game to see if the graft takes....

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

This driving back and forth is getting hard.
I really hate leaving him at the hospital.
I can't wait till Monday.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

and now the major countdown begins...
One more full day of being in the hospital then Monday I get to pick Dan up and bring him on home.

The past day or so I have been dealing with it better...
The first few times I could hardly sleep and was a emotional basketcase.

...I will be over the moon with happiness on Monday.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Just a little more time...
and tomorrow will be here and I will make my last trek to the hospital cuz the man is coming home tomorrow:)

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

He's home:)
and doing pretty good
The docs are happy with how he is recovering and think it's an all over success

The only downer today...AF showed up....
not like anything could happen but the cramps from hell were hard to deal with on the drive to Rochester.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Man I can't wait till I can actually start writing about TTC related items in here...

Here we are into August and Dan's on the mend pretty good. He hasn't needed any major pain killers for a few days and the area is looking better. He said he's feeling better and better....just getting anxious for the cathader to come out. That appointment is on the 12th and that's when I am going to ask about how long do we have to wait to have *some fun*...if he doesn't ask. Of course that will all be after making sure he's healed or healing good still. Don't want to make it seem like that is all I care about or something.

Beyond that life is just going along...
nothing exciting

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Sorry I have been a bit absent.

Dan had his check up at the Mayo on the 12th and it looks like the surgery was a success. The doc does want him to keep taking it easy for a few weeks. He said if anything from the surgery is going to fail it will be within the 1st 3 weeks. So any good thoughts would be great:) Thanks ahead of time.

I came down with major ear infections so we haven't been able to really enjoy his clean bill of health yet.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

I can't believe August is almost done.

Anyways, yet again, kind of neglecting this journal but mostly due to recovering from the nasty ear infections and getting ready for school.

Well Dan had a little scare that we thought may might have signaled a failure in the surgery but it was only a stitch popping. The doc said to moniter for signs of infection and ease back on the activities a bit. So, he hasn't been doing much and stayed home from going to the fair yesterday. He's been a bit sore with walking.

AF showed up for me Saturday so that means by the time it is gone, it's the all the clear to start having some *fun* again...

Not much else to report at the moment.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well here we are now into September and into giving the whole TTC a run for it's money. I failed to start temping but that's o.k. as I was never good at it anyways but I am trying to moniter things and keep track. Hopefully sooner then later things will start happening:)

School starts next week so I am going to try and manage my stress so that won't affect things to much.

Not much else happenng.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Been a few days since I last wrote.
Life has officially gone insane with the return to school but we have found plenty of time for some fun:)

Anyways class is keeping us both busy but hopefully something will happen sooner then later. I think I may try and start temping when/after AF shows up.

Anyways for something of substance a little from my last post I made over on my Livejournal.

.....Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to Minnpolis, Minnesota where the current time is 10:06pm Central Time. We would like to thank you for flying Northwest Airlink and please remember to visit nwa.com for your future travel plans.

So the joys of dealing with the drunken Twins fans on the light rail are a faded memory and now overshadowed by the fun conversion I overheard by two flight attendants in training. These flight attendants in training were practicing their announcements with each other, so it was interesting to listen but the funniest part was when one of them who had a thick southern accent kept trying to say Minneapolis, it sounded like she was saying Minnpolis. The other kept stopping her going," No no you have it wrong! It's Minne-a-polis, Minne-a-polis, saying it with me now Minne a polis. I don't know, it was late, I was tired, it amused me for so odd reason. Overall though, it was a nice quiet ride down to class and a one back as well.

Speaking of class, can we say a complete 180 from the previous night's educational escapes. First, when I was briskly walking to the room my class was held in and I ran into my professor from my Teaching Social Studies through the Fine Arts Class. She stopped to talk to me which surprised me, always does when teachers remember me. She is a bit scattered brained but I did like her class and she always got a kick out of my lessons as they were usually all legal/government orientated. Then into my classroom I went, my professor walked up and shook my hand, introduced herself as Amy rather then Dr. Smith, handed me a sheet of paper, asked about my watch, and then decided I was official time keeper for class as she hates watches, talks to much and needs someone to pull her back to the task at hand (she kept blaming that on the fact she's a abstract random personality). Then we had a brief talk about personalities and asked what I was, I said from what I learned previous I am both abstract random and concrete sequential. Eventually we got started yet again with the usual first day events…it was pretty laid back really until we had a few visitors then the anxiety levels hit the roof.

The first person who came to speak to us in the individual who used to teach the Circles classes. Now they are little seminars that we have to attend. I found that I need to attend one to make up for the last half of Circles II. So in this little seminar I have to be interviewed (they are going to send me some prep questions after I sign up for one) and discuss my portfolio which should be close to be being done (note to self get on this ASAP). Then she talked about the seminar most of the other people in my class will be attended, and that deals with final approval for their portfolios. I found that when they are being reviewed prior to student teaching, you turn it in, a committee reviews it and if they don't like it's sent back with revisions, you revise it and send back, then pray to the school gods they like the revisions. I guess if they don't like the revisions you don't get to go student teach the semester that you intend to. I hate how they are changing up the program left and right at the moment. I guess they changed this piece because they found way to many students slapping it together at the end and just doing poor work in their eyes. So long story short, I need to register for one of these seminars which are either 10/25 or 10/30 and get my butt in gear. You know that insanity in my life I was saying I was missing…well I guess it found me and found me good. Then the woman who organizes field experiences came to talk and I had to go back to her office to do some switching things around being I need to do #2 rather then #3 (this will come next semester). So needless to say by the end of the night I was spent mentally but this is good, forces me to get my stuff together, buckle down, just what the doctor order really.

Overall the class is going to be fun I think. The professor was really nice and just all over the place, totally has a passion for the subject, willing to help in any way possible, and the best part….a ONE page syllabus. In terms of workload, lots of reading to do but not much in terms of papers and whatnot except for a few lesson plan type things.

Well, I should close this out…
I have writing it through the day and just found out when I got back from lunch this on again, off again, idea of moving me is happening Monday morning. So I am getting evicted from my lovely cubicle of doom so the last few hours of work will be filled with work and moving all my work related items, my little figures and pictures upon pictures to the new cubicle.

Beyond that, not much is happening. Just trying to get into the swing school and balancing that with work again. I will just leave the entry with the same bit that I am a happy boot ***** at the moment. I went to Macys on lunch as I had a coupon they sent me and FINALLY found a nice pair of black boots with a chunk heel! I haven't been able to find any chunky heels since my favorite pair died a couple winters ago. Not that I don't like my pointy toed high heeled boots, it's just that they aren't that friendly in the winter namely when running after a bus.

Blah blah blah….Weekend plans are up in the air, so I will bid you all adue and say take care, have a good one, hugs to those that need them

take care all!

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Oh wow, I have neglected this...
Not much to report TTC wise.
Dan and I moved over the weekend so the last few weeks have been crazy busy insane. We moved to a two bedroom apartment so hopefully the 2nd room will be a short lived office.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Popping in for a post.

The move went well...we are about 95% set up in the apartment.
School is keeping my crazy busy but I am having a horrible time keeping my interest in the classes.
Work is work

Not much on the TTC front.
I failed miserably starting to temp and whatnot so I am going to try and get myself doing it next month.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Here I go slacking again...
Not much to discuss I guess.

My mind has been thinking about today...I can't believe that it's been 5 years since I learned what today was. It's been 5 years since the losses...
I really thought life would be different...

Life is good don't get me wrong.
School's going well I feel like despite the lack of interest in my classes
Dan is healthy
Dan's schooling is going well
The new apartment is great (despite crappy parking..the apartment is great).
We celebrated my birthday and the new place on Saturday.

A brought over the little guy though...
Such a cute little ham, love that baby to pieces I tell ya but it made part of my heart break a little bit. You know...those wonders of when if ever is it going to be my turn, you know that kind of thing then you feel horrible for feeling like that.

I don't know...
I was thinking about Dan's surgery maybe the whole TTC thing would be a bit quicker. Granted I haven't charted, temped and all that jazz becuase of the schedule and well I have never been that great at it in the past but I just thought maybe it would a bit speedier this time.

...feeling a bit down today too as good AF came on knocking today of all days.

So well I just blubbering here and probably making no sense. Feeling out of sorts I guess. Stupid PMS...


After AF is done I am going to try and get back on the saddle here and really focus on TTC stuff like temping, charting and all that fun stuff.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well freaking color me confused.
I don't understand this cycle to save my freaking life.

O.k. so ever since AF has started to visit me...you know from day 1 back in the day when I was a teenager. My cycle has always been wonky...thank you underactive thyroid.
Despite that irregularity...my periods have always had their signs like before it came I was always cramper then crampy, always on a emotional roller coaster a few days before and throughout the cycle, then last but not least my periods have always been heavy...heavy...heavy.

Well this cycle I am baffled...
No signs it was coming...
Spotting on Tuesday, it was due on Wedneday.
Full flown period stuff Wednesday
Then nothing on Thursday...no bleeding no nothing.
Friday...spotting returned and by afternoon full blown period stuff and horrible cramping and bloatness
Saturday..nothing and then a same bout of spotting in the afternoon
Sunday...nothing...no bleeding, no cramps, no nothing
Today...nothing in the morning and then this afternoon, spotting

I don't know
This is just weird
I have never in recent memory had a period like this
I was chatting with a coworker and she said it's probably age catching up with me. I guess I figured the cycles would change a bit as I got older but this just seems really out there to me.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well the oddest AF of my life is officially gone...
Of course I totally forgot to start temping so maybe this cycle will be a just go with the flow kind of thing. I took a mental health day off of work and school and Dan didn't have class so it was all about some together time and *some together time if you get my drift*
Hopefully we can keep it up and make something happen:)

Otherwise not much else to report...
the usual in my world...work, school, homework

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

I don't know...
I wish I knew why I was feeling this way...
I have been trying to be good and just not stressing about ttc things as I really don't have the time to do that, school stress has been enough. It just seems like every since our little party we had shortly after my birthday and seeing A's little boy, the cuteness that baby has just burns...he is so cute and so damned loveable. Then hearing of a close friend's 18 year old getting knocked up on accident just has made me feel a bit worthless I guess.

Over on Livejournal there is a writing community called LJ Idol and you get writing prompts. From those you are asked to write something and then get voted on. This weeks prompt was on ghosts...

So I don't go the easy way...I go the hard way and focus on the ghosts of the past. The ghosts of my sweet angels that left me 5 years ago. Granted there was that whole divorce thing, remarry thing but I didn't think I would be sitting here at 32 and not a mother yet. Seeing everyone of my friends have kids and watching them grow up is just making my heart break inside. I don't know why it's all rushing out now...I dealt well with it in the past... Maybe it's because I thought after Dan's surgery maybe something would happen a little quicker. Maybe it's because nothing is happening I am realizing that maybe my body just isn't meant for it.

I don't....
Just needed to get this out...

Here's what I wrote over on my LJ

LJ Idol, Season 5
Topic 6/Week 6
Even after all these years the day you left still lingers in my memory, every little details from the small amounts of blood I saw to the gut wrenching pain I felt as the day went on to the emotional pain that still lingers deep down within in. I wonder when your ghost will finally fade away into a distant memory

The anniversaries still haunt me and I wonder if I will ever be able to not think about those days in such clear detail as though they happened just yesterday. The rollercoaster of life kept moving five long years ago and I was forced to stay on when I would have preferred to curl up and hide from everything and everyone.

Life was going to move on with or without me so I did the only thing I could, get back up, brush myself off and hop back on the rollercoaster we call life. I tried for days and weeks to brush aside the thoughts and feelings of failure that haunted me and consumed my soul. Over time the questioning faded away, the thoughts dwindled, and the feelings of failure were overcome by realizing what occurred was out of my hands and there was a reason it happened even though I would never know why something so precious was torn away from me.

Nowadays as each anniversary passes and I pause to remember, I am haunted by feelings of failure and wondering if I will ever be able to achieve the one dream I have desired for as long as I can remember. Standing on the sidelines watching the sweet little ones that friends have given birth to and seeing the plump bellies of pregnant women walking down the street brings back the haunting memories that I could have been the mother of a five year old right now.

Time slowly ticks away and with each new little one that is not mine I am haunted with the burning question of will I ever get a chance again. If I do get a chance again at motherhood, I am haunted with the wonder and panic if it will be ripped away from me like it was twice before.

As much as I try to leave the ghosts of the past where they belong, they will forever haunt me until I am able to see that positive sign, feel all of the pains that hopefully mean all is well inside, develop that glow, and in the end hold a baby that I can finally call my own.

Once that has been accomplished I do wonder if those dates will still haunt me and will I remember the tiny details as I do now. Until then life will continue moving as it always does and as each month passes, anniversaries will approach, I will take a moment to remember and pray that one day I will not continue to be haunting by the losses. Hopefully one day my ghosts of the past will take shape in the form of a sweet little one of my own to care for, untrue and watch grow up before my eyes.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Can't believe we are already into November now. 2008 is just flying by....I can't belive it.

This weekend has been good..
Lots of Dan and Nicky time which is been just wonderful
We took a nice walk around a nature preserve in Richfield.

As for TTC stuff
Need to look at my caleder to see when AF is suppose to show up
Had a lot of *fun* this weekend;)

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Just a quick entry for today...
Only about a month left of the semester and work is getting crazy so that's life in a sentence.

TTC stuff though...
AF showed up 5 days early:(
Not that I was expecting anything to happen this month being I am not charting, temping,e tc but I am getting frustrated that my cycles are all over the board. If I was just getting off birthcontrol I could see that. I am stressed with school but usually stress makes me later then late. So this early stuff is just not cool in my book.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

well here I go slacking on posting here...
I guess besides school keeping me crazy busy I don't know what to post really.
The whole temping thing...still forgetting to give it a whirl when AF leaves so then I am back to just going with the flow.
I am trying to watch things with the body to maybe have an idea of what's going on but with the stress of school who knows...

I guess I could say that we are trying to get back into better health. Last October dan and I joined a gym but never really used it to it's full potential as November things got bad with Dan and then just spiraled till his surgery. He did not want to go the gym for fear of having an accident there which was understandable. I would go when I felt like it but overall going to a gym alone was not my cup of tea.

well today we finally got back into full force. I weighed myself and holy hannah have I packed on the pounds...about 12 since last time I weighed myself. So I am hoping if we keep it up and start eating better maybe that will help with some things.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Just a quicky post...
Still not much to discuss on the TTC front.
Just taking it one day at a time...however I should be making my yearly examine here soon so I am going to have a chat with the doc when that time comes to see what and if we can do anything to get the show on the road. I also really need to get myself to start temping and watching things.

Beyond that Thanksgiving was good and it was nice to get out of town. We went up to Suzanne's (the MIL).

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Today is one of those days where I really hate and find myself confused over how my body works. I knew AF was due sooner or later here so I pulled out my planner to check. Last month was a 25 day cycle so I was like oh o.k. but I am not feeling it coming on at all and well I am at day 26. It's been stressful with school so I suppose it's to be expected...

However then I just started looking at the rest of 2008....
Jan was a 24 day cycle
Feb was a 28 day cycle
March 27 day
April 27 day
May 28 day
June 31 day
July 32 day
Aug 26 day
Sept 27 day
Oct 27 day
and as mentioned 25 day for Nov

So yeah...
I don't know
I wish my body functioned on schedule...

I swear next month I am going to try try try to get myself to temp again and see if that helps making sense of this crazy body oh mine.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Day 29...
Day 29 and no sign of AF
No sign of much really

So just out horribly curiosity when I was at Target when I was picking up Christmas cards I grabbed a cheapy test, figured what the heck...

No surprise really it was negative but thought being we at day 29 I would try...

While waiting I was reading the instructions inside and it said something about if your cycles are irregular which mine totally are at this point, to use your longest cycle which I didn't know. So I think I am going to wait till day 33 if we get there with no AF then what the heck try testing again..

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

O.k. Happy Monday I guess...
on day 30 AF decided to show which I suppose is a good thing but it just frustrates me bit after yesterday. Maybe I jinxed myself by buying a test. Anywho...
Here's to me hopefully remembering to start temping when AF is gone.

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Well here I go neglecting this place.
Haven't really felt compelled to write, not much to talk about...
I was planning on temping and whatnot this cycle but can't seem to find our thermomater anywhere. So this cycle is a go with the flow and AF should be around by next weekend anyways.

Holidays were low key
and beyond that not much else happening in my world

Joined: 12/11/02
Posts: 485

Just a quicky today...
With working being uber slow I called the female doc to schedule my yearly exam. I was hoping to get in during the month of January but I guess the doc is pretty booked up. So the appointment is for 2/2/09. Along with the usual fun of the yearly exam I am going to talk to him about TTC'ing and seeing what's up with me being I have been off the pill for around 2 years now I would think something should be working right sooner or later.