Rita's TTC Journal - BFP on 10-27-06

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Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392
Rita's TTC Journal - BFP on 10-27-06

I feel a little bit funny starting this journal, because right now, I am very close to quitting TTC. But, I need somewhere to hang out my laundry and figure things out.

I am 28 and DH is 30. We have been together for five years. DH and I got married in Jan 2005, and the next month I stopped taking BCP. We weren't in a rush to get pg, but we were ready for it and were excited about the possibility of a new baby. I was a little bit surprised as the months went by and nothing happened. By July, I was online (found pg.org!) and doing research. I started to chart, and I began using OPK's. I think the OPK's helped, and I was glad to see that my body was doing everything that is was supposed to.

In September, after starting a new job, I got fired. I was totally shocked, and angry at my boss. It was Friday, September 16, 2005. I called DH, told him what happened, and went home to be miserable. We had been trying that month, but I figured we were through because I had been spotting the past few days. When I got home, I wanted to have a beer and relax, but because AF hadn't shown her face, I figured I would take a test to make myself feel better for having a drink. When I got a BFP, I was shocked. I was home alone, and I just kept saying that it wasn't possible. I felt horrible after being fired, and now I get a BFP?

When DH got home, I showed him the test, and he was pretty surprised. We spent the weekend in shock, but on Monday, I went to the doctor, and it was confirmed, I was pregant! We called our families right away! Of course everybody was excited. At first everything seemed to be fine. I had my first appt, and they did a pap smear. The doctor seemed a little busy, but he and I didn't really "connect". When I went home, I was spotting very red blood. I could barely pull myself together to call DH. He convinced me to call the dr back. I got the nurse, who was very nice, and she explained that there is often spotting after a pap, and that I was probably fine. But she scheduled me for an u/s just to make sure everything was fine. When we went in for the u/s, I was just over six weeks, and the doctor saw a heartbeat and showed us the fetal pole. We were both so excited. We really got into it, DH and I would spend hours talking about different baby names, furniture, nursery, everything baby. But, I started spotting for real, and I scheduled another appointment. Long story short, I had lost the baby.

It was a horrible process, each appointment and each blood draw you got your hopes up and the doctor would say everything should be fine, but the news just continued to get worse. Finally at 10 weeks, the u/s showed a fetal pole that measured six weeks, and there was no heartbeat. I was crushed. The doctor told me that I should probably schedule a D&C. He told me that his wife had had two, and she was fine by dinnertime. Otherwise, I would have to wait for my body, and the pain would be very bad. Well, I felt like we had gone through enough pain so I scheduled a D&C.

It was horrible. I don't think the doctor did a very good job, I passed an amazing amount of tissue, and I was in bed for a week afterward. When I went back to visit the doctor, and I waited for over an hour to see him and he still wasn't even in the office, I told the nurse that I was leaving and that I would never see this doctor again.

Well, after that whole experience, DH and I were committed to letting my body heal and then TTC again. Everybody said that we were healthy and that this was just a fluke. So in two months, we were surprised with a Christmas BFP! We were visiting our family when I tested, and we only told his parents. But from the beginning, I didn't feel good about it. I was spotting quite a bit, and by the time we got back from our trip and scheduled a dr appt (with a new doctor!), I was already miscarrying the baby. My mind could not deal with the fact that I had lost another baby. Why was this happening?? My new doctor was wonderful. She agreed that I seemed to be healthy, and said that we would run blood tests and do an HSG to make sure there was no problems. Well, we ran all the tests, and two things came back. First of all, I have a slightly elevated prolactin level. My doctor said that it was barely elevated, and that this was nothing to worry about. But my progesterone was very low and my Luteal phase was a little bit short. So my doctor suggested clomid.

Well, on my first cycle of clomid, I got another BFP. At first, we were very cautious. But as I dealt with severe m/s and had ZERO spotting, we began to get excited!! We both felt like this was a possible baby for us. We still didn't share the news with our family. I was having an u/s the week before Mother's Day and I hoped to be able to share a picture with our mom's to share the news!

But, we went in for the u/s at 6wk3dys, and only saw a yolk sac. No fetal pole and no heartbeat. I was so upset. But the doctor said not too worry, we were probably just early. Even though I knew exactly where we were because of the clomid and OPK's. So we went back in another week. I still felt very pregnant and had zero spotting.... but there was only a yolk sac. At over 7 weeks, it was obvious we did not have a good pregnancy.

Because I had a new job, and had already taken alot of time off work, I didn't want to wait to miscarry, so I scheduled another D&C. This one was completely different. I barely spotted for a week, and then it was over.

But here we are now. I am sad and angry. DH doesn't understand why this is still happening. I have a very hard time through each m/c. And although DH is very supportive, he doesn't want to keep exposing me to this kind of hurt. And quite frankly, neither do I. The only tests that are left to run are the genetic tests. So I see two possible outcomes. One, there will be nothing wrong and no explanation about the losses. Or, they will tell us one or the other has a genetic problem that prevents us from being able to carry a child, and recommend donor egg or sperm.

I don't think that donor egg/sperm is something we are ready for. And I don't know that I am ready to just keep banging my head against a wall and continue to have m/c.

There have been people in my life who have told my that this isn't is bad as it could be because I am so young. This infuriates me. How can losing three babies be "not that bad"??!! There is as yet no explanation for my losses, and I don't understand why they say that. It doesn't make me feel any better, and I don't think it has anything to do with my situation.

Obviously I have fertility issues, but they don't seem to have anything to do with my age. So in my opinion, it is worse. Because when I do get older, and I still want to try and have children, it will be one more thing stacked up against me.

That is where I am today. We have our first appointment to discuss fertility treatment options on the 22nd. So, I guess we will see what the doctor says. But right now, unless they can identify a problem and a way to fix it. I don't think I want to get pregnant only to lose another baby. My heart is running out of room to love babies I have never met.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, I am still in the "baby blues". Last night, DH took me out to this Italian restaurant that we love, and I was looking forward to just relaxing with him. But then he started talking about a guy he works with whose wife is pg. She is due around the same time my second pregnancy would have been due. This guy brought in her u/s pictures and was showing them off to everybody.

Right then, I lost my appetite, any desire for conversation.. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I wish that he could have u/s pictures to take into work to show off. He didn't expect it to bother me so much, but he was really nice to me. I got really quiet, and he tried to get me to talk, but I wasn't interested. So instead he told me he was willing to talk if I wanted to.

You know I wanted to talk, but I get tired of saying the same old things...

Anyway, today is the two week mark after my D&C. We are officially off pelvic rest. I have definitely missed DTD, but I am not sure I will be in the mood tonight. Poor DH...

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Let me repeat what everybody else has already said...... TGIF!!!

This has been a long week.. and I am glad to have a quiet weekend in front of me. One thing though, one of my girlfriends called last night and invited us out to dinner tonight. I haven't seen her since I had the m/c because she sent me an email that was rude and insensitive.. She also has fertility problems, but she is almost 35. She essentially went on and on about how glad I should be that I am young, and how much better off I am than her... Um, I've had 3 m/c's in less than a year, what is good about that? I am totally sympathetic to her situation, she has PCOS and has not been able to get pg. But her situation is DIFFERENT... not better, not worse, only DIFFERENT...

So I was giving her some space so that I didn't say anything rude, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to see her yet. But I think we will gracefully bow out of dinner. I am still enjoying being at home, relaxing with DH. I don't think I'm ready to be out and about with people...

Well, everybody have a great weekend!! I am not on the internet much at home, so I will check up on everybody Monday.

Dayna-- Good luck with your blood test.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Okay, I had a really good weekend. DH and I drove around town in our convertible (great weather this weekend!!). We went antique shopping, I am looking for some things for the back yard.

And then last night, my stupid neighbors had to start up.... I am going to vent about this once, but then I am done with it. I don't have enough room in my life for other people's negativity. Now for the vent........

My neighbors are very inconsiderate, even though our houses are less than 10 feet from each other, they act like they are the only people for miles. We have been butting heads over the last few years, but we were really trying to ignore them this spring. But they are so obnoxious!! So yesterday, DH are sitting in the backyard relaxing, and they are in their yard with their kids. Which is great, I hope to some day be able to have a backyard full of kids too.. But, I will still be considerate of my neighbors..

They turn up their radio super loud, to the point where they are shouting to hear each other. (This is the parents by the way) So after putting up with it for a bit, DH knocks on the fence and asks very nicely if they could turn the radio down. And they do, so that was great. But then the kids are playing wiffle (sp?) ball, and they consantly hit their balls into our yard. I have been hit by them a couple of times in the last few weeks. Within a few hours, there are FIVE wiffle balls in our yard. And they pretend that nothing happened, no heads up, sorry or anything. And we have told them to keep the kids out of our yard because we have two big dogs, and I would hate for anything to happen. So finally, they run out of wiffle balls. You hear the kids complaining to the parents, and then the youngest boy yells over the fence and asks if there are any balls in our yard. DUH! Where do you think they went? I was a little annoyed, and I asked him if he could promise that no more would hit me on the head..

But, this is not a little boy's issue, so I gathered all the wiffle balls and went over to talk to the parents. Just ask them to be more considerate. As soon as I walk up to the house. the mom is yelling at me "You picked the wrong house! You should have bought a different house!"... I tried to talk to her, but she shut the door in my face. :roll:

So, I walked back home, and told DH what she did. By then the mom and dad were standing on the deck YELLING at us!! It was ridiculous. Their kids were standing next to them as she bitched me out and told me that I was too uptight, and she spent $25,000 on her back yard, and what did I expect her to do?

I couldn't believe they were yelling at us, so I said why don't we talk about this later when we're not upset.. and they refused!! They said they would always be mad, and that it didn't make a difference... So, she is no longer going to be "nice". and she is going to play the radio as loud as she wants and not care about us...

You know, I understand we are much quieter than them, but come on! :evil: Is the music less enjoyable if you turn it down just a bit? And is it so hard to teach your kids some manners and ask them to give a heads up if the ball is coming over? It sucks, because this is the beginning of summer, and I feel like we are going to battle with our neighbors and not be able to enjoy our home. And this is all so immature!! Four adults should be able to resolve this without resorting to shouting and name calling... Oh and the killer, she kept telling me to wait until I had kids..... that cut a little deep...

breathe in...... breathe out..... breathe in....... breathe out....1.........2.......3.......4.......5......6........7..........8........9.........10

Okay, I'm done. I don't have room in my life for that silly of an issue.

Other than that, I had a great weekend. :roll:

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Unbelievable, I went home on lunch, and there was a note in the mailbox. The wife was apologizing about her outburst, said it was no problem to move their home base so that the balls go into the parking lot behind our homes, and next time, just shout over the fence, so she doesn't get defensive.

If that is all it takes to fix it, why did I have to go through that Jerry Springer episode last night?? I think that is the way these people live though. You always hear the husband and wife in screaming matches, and then you see them out and about, and they are as happy as can be. I think that is just how they communicate.

But, I stand by my earlier statement, I don't have room in my life for other people's craziness...

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So my mission today is to find a pair of cute, summery flirty sandals that cover the top 50% :roll: of my feet. (That is the dress code in my office) I have "winterish" dress shoes, and then I have summer sandals. I have worn them everywhere else I worked, and there was never an issue...

So I have this cute outfit on, black skirt with a great pink top, and I am wearing black loafers :oops: . I am going to head out on lunch and find myself a pair of shoes!! Biggrin

That's all in my life today..

Steph, it is really good to see you here! I hope the clomid works for you!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Victory!!! Lol

I found two great pairs of shoes, and I got them at 50% off!! Now I don't feel like a nun walking around in loafers... Dirol

Lori - I am a total POAS addict, so I understand what you mean! But your symptoms are looking good, I will keep my eye on you!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So, this is turning out to be a pretty great week. I haven't mentioned it before, but the job I am in now is a temp-to-hire position. Which means I have a contract to work for them through September, and then they have the option of hiring me full-time, or extending my contract. This is a great job, I get to do a ton of great things (you know, what I went to school for!!) But, I am only a temp. But then my old boss called me last night. I left that company because it was sales, I worked horrible hours, and it just wasn't my "cup of tea". But I loved my old boss, he is one of the nicest people I have ever worked for. He called because there is a management position that might be opening up (that means somebody "might" get fired), and he wanted to know if I was interested!! I really like the job I have right now, but I don't have any security here. So I am going to go in and talk to my old boss and see what they are looking for, and then go from there.

It is such a nice change of pace to have people calling you for jobs instead of job hunting for six months with no word back...

Oh, and I am going to lunch with my girlfriend today at a new restaurant that we haven't tried!

Tammy (MrsCliffy) - I am sorry you are so sick, I hope you feel better this weekend, but great job losing another pound!! And good luck at your appointment next week.

Have a great weekend everybody!!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Ugh, Mondays can be so tough, especially when you had a great weekend with DH, and all I want to do is be home with him and relax just a little more!!

Oh well, at least I am busy at work, it helps me get through the day..

Tammy, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you are getting beat up by something..

Sarah, go for a girl!! You deserve one, because you are such a great mom, and in the end, you will love your child no matter what!

Amber, your list made me cry. TTC has taught me some things about myself that I wish I could change. I am much more selfish than I ever thought. But, I am also a lot stronger, and I can tell that you are an amazing woman!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So today at work, a women I work with brought a HUGE mistake I had made to my attention... I had accidently sent letters to three people that they were going to receive FULL tuition scholarships..... they are actually only getting HALF tuition scholarships.....

Oh, I hate when I mess up... it sucks... These poor kids are going to be so angry....

Now, my boss is pissed at me, I'm pissed at me, and I have to run around all day and try to fix this before we get totally screwed.........

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So I am having a very hard time dealing with this stupid issue at work today.. I am a perfectionist, and I don't like when I am wrong, but I am going a little far today...

But then I realized I have been getting increasingly short tempered lately. Could it be because our appt is coming up on the 22nd and I'm not sure what to expect?? Probably... I have been spending a lot of time on the internet doing research on different infertility treatments, tests, costs, etc. I don't really feel that optimisitic. I feel like since we have already had all of the blood and hormone tests done... the only thing we have left is the genetic testing. And we will either hear that everything is "okay", or that there is a problem which can be resolved with donor egg/sperm. Neither of which we are ready for.

I don't know if this is making sense. Last night, we were watching tv, and I was working on the laptop. I was reading some IVF articles, and it made me cry. DH saw me crying, and told me to stop looking so I wasn't sad... He doesn't understand... I want to be educated for this appointment, but the more I research, the more hopeless I feel.

One of the articles I read last night said that men are often 10 to 12 months emotionally behind the wife when dealing with infertility. Well, that describes my DH. He is cautiously optimistic, but nervous about bad news. I on the other hand, am constantly imagining what our life will be like without children because I feel like that is more and more of a reality.

There have been times since I started this journal (I know, only a few weeks ago) that I have wanted to show it to him so he would "understand". But the truth is he will never understand how much it is affecting me, and that I worry about how this will affect our marriage, our friendship.

For example, after all of this TTC, breaks for medical reasons, breaks for emotional reasons, will our sex life ever be the same? We used to be so spontaneous, and we had so much fun together. TTC made it very routine. But that isn't even the worse part, it's the breaks when all of a sudden we have to start using some type of BC, it's invasive. You can't even make love during the break and not be reminded about TTC....

Do I think my DH will ever understand any of this? Heck no. But he loves me and tries to make me feel better the best he can.

Okay, this was a completely disjointed rambling... but I feel a little better. I worry that my journal is too negative sometimes, but I use this when I am the most overwhelmed, stressed and upset. When I am happy, I want to go find the people in my life that I care about and share that happiness with them.

Does that make me a selfish journaler? I don't care!!

Okay, enough craziness from me..... ladies, thank you all for being. It makes my life so much easier to know you are all out there.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, AF has shown up today.. I knew she was coming. I had the tiniest of brown spotting for the last few days and I was really irritable. So, that and our appt this Thursday to talk about treatment options... What a week..

Oh, but there is really good news too!! I got offered a great job!! I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I was working in a contract position. And my contract was only through Sept. But the company offered me a great position (with a nice jump in pay!)

So, I have been really busy...

All BFP's, Congratulations!! I hope you have healthy pregnancies and you enjoy all the joys of motherhood!!

Everybody else, I will catch up soon!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

My doctor called and gave me the results of the fetal testing from my last pregnancy. There were extra chromosones. It was a trisomy condition, but not one of the typical types you hear of (Down's, Fifths, etc). So it is time for us to see a geneticist.

I was at work when he called and I called DH. We were both pretty shaken by the news. I have been doing my research, and this is not good news. The typical treatment approach is to test mom and dad, find out who has the "balanced translocation", and recommend IVF with donor sperm/egg, depending on who carried the problem. Well, we don't feel like donor IVF is an option for us. There are many reasons, but mainly, we want "our" baby. That is what we want to accomplish. DH really would feel removed from a pregnancy with donor sperm... He feels a little better with a donor egg, because he feels like I would be able to carry the pg and connect in that way.

But honestly, I don't want either. If we can't have "our" baby, I think I am ready to stop. The other possibility is that we may have anywhere between 25% to 40% chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy. But how many miscarriages and losses are between that healthy pregnancy and now...who knows. And how many more can I handle? I used to think I was such a strong woman. Like Super Woman step back, but these miscarriages have taken the wind out of my sails. Each one is so devastating, and I'm not sure I can just keep trying indefinitely.

So, DH and I talked last night. It is really heartbreaking for both of us to be here. I actually wish that we both have problems, and that it isn't only one of us. DH agreed with me when I said this. It would be easier, and I don't want either one of us to shoulder any guilt.

At this point, I just feel like we have been pushed down a cattle chute... Every stage of this process, whenever something has happened, we've hoped that it was just a "fluke". Now I feel like we are facing the real chance that we may never have biological children.

I have to say this though, DH and I are very happy. We have a good life. We will still have a happy marriage wthout kids. But, it is a huge sadness that we will both carry.

We've agreed that we are not going to talk about any alternative options right now. (Adoption) Simply put, it is an option, but not the one we want right now. If we can't have biological children, I think we both want to spend a few years together, and make that decision later.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So we had our appointment with our OB last night. He was very nice to us, but he didn't really have any information. He referred us to a geneticist at a nearby hospital. The doctor has a genetic counseling degree from University of Chicago, which is supposed to be a great program.

But, when I called the office today, they want us to come in and speak to a genetic counselor BEFORE we get any testing done.... That is so frustrating for me... There isn't anything to talk about in my mind until we get tested! Get my medical records, that will tell you everything you need to know. The nurse was telling me that they need to justify the tests with a diagnosis.... Well what the hell is three miscarriages and abnormal fetal chromosone tests!!!!! I hate worthless appointments... all I want to know now is hard information. I seem to know more about the options then some of these medical people do.

So, now we have an appointment with the genetic counselor next wednesday. We will review how sad it is that I've lost three, and that, yeah, it probably IS a good idea to have us tested. THEN we can schedule the genetic tests..

I am so frustrated with this process, I am so tired of getting bad news at every turn. I used to spend all my time on the internet looking at pregnancy related articles, statistics, etc. But now I don't even waste my time, I am looking at genetic and choromosonal research, and realizing how long of a road will probably be ahead of us.

And the huge kicker?? I don't even want to get pregant!! I don't want to go through the whole hope, excitement, worry, and eventual grief merry go round again... I know I can get pregnant, but I don't ever seeing it last. I really am pretty discouraged right now.

Whatever the results, it is going to be so hard. If the geneticist doens't find anything conclusive, we would have to keep TTC and just hope for the best.. But I've already described how hard pregnancy has become for me. And if they do come back with news that we are passing on a problem... well, that is just going to be hard.

Ladies, I am sorry, I am reading everybody's j/e's, but I'm not doing a good job of staying in touch.

Vanessa, I love the pictures from your trip! and it sounds like you got home just in time!! Good Luck!

Steph, I'm glad you got an RE appt, and I hope you are able to get some answers!

Dayna- I hope your symptoms mean something more this month!!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

The other thing I didn't write in my last j/e. The testing on our last pregnancy showed that we had a little boy. That was really hard to see. It brought back all the feelings of loss..

I have always dreamed about having a little boy that looks like DH.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So, I had a pretty good weekend. I did Bikram yoga for the first time. They put you in a room at like 100 degrees, and then you have your 90 minute yoga class. I did it on Sat and Sun, it kicked my butt!! But, it felt great, and if it wasn't so far away (30 min drive), I would do it more often.

Other than that, I am busy at work, and we have our genetic counseling appt on Weds. I'm not expecting much...so in my head it is just a formality.

I hope everybody had a good day!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, the appointment today was good and bad. First of all, our genetic counselor was very patient. I was not happy to be there, but she gave DH and I a ton of great informaiton. We learned that the genetic defect discovered in our last baby boy was an anomoly, and that there is no test to find out why it happened. However, due to family history and my history, it would still be a good idea to get Dh and I tested, and she explained all of the options available to us. It took a while to go through all of the information, but she was very patient. Then she went to get the doctor, who wanted to talk to us.

He was a jerk! I will never see him again. He was very condescending to us. He said that having genetic testing on DH and I was "excessive" ... WTH? He said that three miscarriages is no big deal, and the last pregnancy was an anomoly, so it really wasn't warranted.. But we could do it if we wanted to..... I told him flat out that coming from a man, and somebody who hasn't gone through it, I don't have much respect for that opinion. He said our next pregnancy should be fine...Yeah, we've heard that before! DH and I were pretty upset.. I am sure he knows what he was talking about, but he was very rude and had the worst "bedside manner"...

The genetic counselor usually works out of the University of Chicago, so once he left the room, I asked her for a recomendation to see another genetic doctor. She seemed just as surprised by his behavior as we did.

Anyway, now we are looking at a couple of thousand dollars in tests to maybe find out nothing... THis process just sucks, I don't need %$#hole doctors to make it any worse....

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Okay, well after a nice and long weekend, DH and I have been all over the board about TTC. After finding out that our insurance may not cover the tests, and they will run over $4000 :shock: , we started talking about putting off TTC indefinitely. Lots of reasons, but stress was the biggest.

Then we spent the weekend unable to get away from kids... We went shopping, and there were families with little kids. Saturday night we went to one of DH's co-workers b-day party for their 2 year old girl. Sunday night we went out to dinner with our friends and their 5 month old son.

So we went for a walk tonight and started talking again. We may be able to get the insurance to cover half of the cost for the testing, but the tests will not give us that much information. So, it's really just a question of do we want to start trying again, or do we want to wait longer. I pretty much feel the stress of TTC whether we are active or not. So, in my mind, waiting doesn't do me any good. And DH is ready, he just wants me to be ready. The only thing I would want is to go back on clomid, I do have a short Luteal phase, and it did help that.

So, I want to give my body one or two more cycles between my last m/c and TTC again, but I think we have agreed that there is no point in waiting.

I was ready to stop this journal because I thought we were going to be done, but now it seems we are still trying. I feel confident that I can get pregnany, I just hope one of these times, it will stick.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, I am already feeling better having made our decision. Uncertainty is one of my biggest stresses, and not knowing what we were going to do about TTC was stressful. So, now I am back at work, we are scheduling a vacation for ourselves in October, and we will beging TTC again in another month.

I just need to call my OB, and let him know what we decided. Find out if there is anything else he would want us to do before we started again.

pebblesnbamm's picture
Joined: 04/25/06
Posts: 1

Hi Rita!

I responded earlier today to an email you sent me when I lost my first baby in May. I had to come here and verify that it was indeed your journal that had captured my attention yesterday. I am not sure why I didn't register this sooner, but I just realized that you miscarried as well in May. My apologies for not being more sensitive to that, at the time. I am sure you can understand very well how distracted, and almost self-pitying one can be at a time like that.

I just wanted to say thank you again for being so inspirational throughout your journey, and reminding me that even though it may be tough, trying again isn't the worst option.

Also, good luck with TTC next month, and have a wonderful vacation in October. Hopefully it will act as a stress reliever for you, and let your little beans stick stick stick!

Take care!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

I'm so glad to hear from you! I hope you are doing well. I understand how stressful it can be when you are going through a loss, and you were not insensitive at all!!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

" A Woman"

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book
where all of the sayings and preaching of
Rabbis are conserved over time.
It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know..
and to men so they know the value of a woman.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

My sister sent this to me today, and I thought it was beautiful... and I'm not even that religious. But I thought I would also share it with everybody here.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

I put a call in to my doctor today and left him a message. We are not going to do the genetic testing, and I need to get a prescription for clomid so we can start trying in the next cycle.

I'm not positive where I am in this cycle, but I think AF should show up in the next week or so..

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, I have been crazy with work, and there is really nothing happening on the TTC front.

I did talk to my doc, and I will call him the first day of my next cycle to get clomid, and if I get a BFP, he will put me on progesterone right away.

Other than that, I am going to MI for a bridal shower this weekend, and I am not even packed...

Cazz--- I am so sorry for your loss. You have gone through so much, and you deserve a healthy pregnancy, and it is so unfair.. My heart hurts for you, and I will be thinking about you..

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So I am waiting for AF to show, she is officially late, but since we didn't try this cycle, it just means I have a crappy body :roll: But, did that stop me from taking a test??? OF COURSE NOT!! Was I surprised when I got a BFN, no! :cry:

So, now that I have thrown my money down the drain, I need to be patient and wait for AF! Then I can call my doctor and get my clomid! Smile
I am ready to try again, but I am still scared, it will be really hard to go through any more m/c's, but if that's what it takes, we want to have a family.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

CD 31... still waiting for AF, and no signs of her, or anything else... I am worried that I have had an anno cycle, and this will be one more problem to deal with. I have always ovulated in the past. But I didn't temp or use OPK's this month, so I'm not really sure... ugh...

Dayna, I am sorry you are feeling so down. I feel like I understand most of what you feel, but of course, I am a little younger, and I know that makes a big difference. I will be praying for you.

Cazz, hun, you are such a strong person, I feel humble even trying to offer you support.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So, I am actually on CD 2 today, AF showed up last night. That's okay, and I called the dr's office, and I have my clomid, and I bought a whole new pack of OPK's. I am going to try to temp, but I am horrible in the mornings, so I don't know how well it will work out. But, if I do two OPK's a day, I will catch my surge.

So, we are ready, we have all of our equipment, and now I am looking for a BFP!!!

But, you know, it's kind of funny, when you are on a break from TTC, if you are forced medically or just taking a breather, it is very liberating. You're not waiting until the end of each month, waiting to test. Now, I am already anxious to start testing for O, and then I am HORRIBLE about HPT's, I test WAY TOO EARLY!! Before, I didn't worry about it, and everything was fine.

Okay, that was a mini-vent, but I'm over it! I am so excited to be TTC again, and I just hope everything works out soon for us.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

CD 4, nothing much going on. I am mega cramps from AF, and the clomid is already giving me headaches.... at leat right now I can take real medicine for them, whenever I am pg, that is what gets me the most.

Anyhooo... I am off to the zoo today on a company picnic, and then I get off early!!

Everybody have a great weekend!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So, only one more day of clomid.. I am already anxious about 0'ing... I really hope I O earlier this month. DH has to go help his dad in a few weeks, and it already looks like it may be in the middle of my fertile time.... If that happens, I will just have to tag along!!

Tammy, I hope your IUI went well, and that the 2WW goes quickly!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So today is CD 9 (I think), and I am feeling crappy... I think it is mainly clomid s/e. I have had a headache for the last three days, my throat is sore, and now this morning I started crying on my way into the office... over absolutely nothing!! Oh well, give me a healthy baby, and it's worth it.

Oh, and have I told you all what a great DH I have? He is so fantastic, he called me this morning to remind me to take some oatmeal with me to work. (I haven't been eating at work and come home starving) So, when I got to my desk, I ate my yummy oatmeal and thought about how much my DH loves me! (of course, that got me teary-eyed, but I don't mind that one as much!)

Anyway, I started my OPK's, and I hope to O sometime in the next week!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

CD 10, starting to get some more clomid s/e's... I still have a headache, ugh. And I am not sleeping very well at night. I am a very organic type of person, and I am not thrilled about using chemicals to make my body operate, don't get me wrong, I've obviously decided to use them because it is necesarry, but I still don't like it.

And now I have developed these fears that I can't get pregnant anymore. I feel like, I've had my chance, they didn't work, and now it is too late. I am worried about being on clomid for too long. Some of the long term affects are pretty serious... uterine cancer, hyper-ovaries (sp? name?).

I just read about a women who had a HSG and both of her tubes are blocked, and the doctor thinks it was probably because of her last m/c! And one of the risks of D&C's is that it can create scar tissue and prevent future pregnancies!! It just seems like everything you do can go bad on you.

Okay, that is enough paranoid ranting. I just really want to get pg and have a healthy baby. It's just so scary when you think of all of the things that can go wrong.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, I am just waiting to O.. I really want to O earlier this month, I think "bad" O's is a part of my problem. But, only time will tell. Also, I think I need to order some pre-seed. I am very dry "down there", sorry if TMI. But, that is not going to help TTC, so I need to fix it. I have also thought of going out and buying Robitusum (sp?). I have never tried it, but I'm willing to do anything at this point.

***WARNING - SOAP BOX***

I was lurking on one of the birth boards, and I saw a thread about vaccinations. They were debating wether or not it is healthy to get babies vac, because of some reports that it is linked to autism. Well, I didn't want to hijack their thread, but whoever is reading this, I will share with you how I feel. First of all, I do think that autism can sometimes be prevented. I definitely feel like it is often (but not always) due to environmental factors. But I think it has more to do with what we are eating than if you've been vac. or not. Do you realize how many antiobiotics, growth hormones, and other nasty things are put into the meat that you eat? It is really terrifying if you stop and read some of the information. Many symptoms of autism, alzeihmers, etc, are similar to Mad Cow Disease! And cows are often fed ground up bits of other cows!! Don't get me wrong, I am not a vegan or vegetarian. But, I do believe that the old saying "You are what you eat" has some truth to it. Anyway, I am willing to reduce the amount of meat we consume and we do pay for "organic" and "free range" meat and poultry.

Now, I know a lot of people feel like this is all kinda crazy, and you may be right. But I also think a lot of people simply don't realize exactly how much risk there is in our meat supply. So, for all of the hoops we all jump through TTC, I think this should be something that is given a little more attention.

Okay, that is then end of my soap box.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Okay, so in the past I have always taken my OPK's twice a day, because I have a very short LH surge, and it is hard to catch. But I have a crazy work schedule lately, and today I did not get to test until 6 this evening. And on a whim, I decided to use the internet cheapie AND the Answer brand I bought at Walgreens this month. Well, the internet cheapie was a BFN, but the Answer one was a BLAZING BFP????

WTF? How can I get such opposite results? And which one do I trust? I have NEVER O'd before CD 17, so this early would be outrageous. And I don't temp, it's just too much for me.

Anyway, has anybody else ran into this problem in the past? I am having some slight O pains, but my CM is not EWCM yet....

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

CD 14, still not sure if I missed my O or not. We didn't get much BD'ing in over the weekend, I just didn't feel well.

But today I have very water CM, so I will try to go home and BD tonight. This is the first month in a long time that BD'ing has felt like a chore.

I am so happy to see the BFP's and the great u/s's... I hope that everybody else gets their BFP soon as well

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

CD 15, maybe I did O, that would be great! I am going to keep testing until CD 20 to make sure I don't miss another surge.

So I have started to think about what I will do if I am pg again (besides become a nervous wreck). You know, I have quite the collection of pg books. I even have a pg journal that I actually started for my second pg. But, I am so familiar with the progress through first trimester, I could recite it in my sleep. My thought is that I should become very busy with "other" activities, any kind of activity, to keep my mind off the first trimester.... Yeah, that will work!!

But if I was pg, the next few months do have a lot of things going on, so maybe I would have a chance. My little sister is getting married the first weekend of September, so that will be fun. And then my b-day is later in Sept. Then my other sister's b-days are in Sept and Oct. Then halloween, then Thanksgiving, and voilah! Second Trimester!!

Well, if you can't tell, I am a little ahead of the game. I'm not even sure I am in the 2WW yet.

Tammy, I can't wait for you to test!! I am praying that this is your month!

Dayna - I understand how you feel.

Ladies, good luck and I can't wait to see more BFP's!!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, I definitely got a pos OPK yesterday. But my poor DH has a stomach bug, and he is not feeling well at all. But when I told him I am o'ing, he shrugged his shoulders. I thought he meant that it was too bad, we would try again tomorrow. But even though he felt like crap, he was willing to "take one for the team"!!

However, it wasn't very romantic... not that it was bad, but I think that is the first time I felt the pressure of TTC while BD'ing....

Anyway, if he still feels up to it, we will try again tonight. I am pretty nervous about this cycle, so we will see..

Tammy, I am holding out hope for you! Keep your chin up, I'm thinking about you!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Guess who completely passed out last night and wasn't even interested in BD'ing??? ME! I was asleep on the couch at 7:30, and when DH woke me up for bed and asked about it, I said it could wait until tomorrow!

Well, if this cycle doesn't work, I will only have myself to blame.

Tammy, I'm still pulling for you! I hope you get your BFP soon!

Dayna, I have felt the same way about this site. As many times as I've told myself that I need to "move on", I am still here! Go where you are most comfortable.... don't worry about what the board is called.

Cazz, you are amazing. I'm glad you are feeling well, and that you have your eyes (and heart) facing forward!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

4DPO ... the really good thing is I am working at our national meeting this next week, and I will not be home until next Sunday... So, most of my 2WW I will be too busy to worry!!

Ladies, I hope everybody had a great weekend, and I will catch up with everyone soon!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Sometimes my emotions really surprise me. This morning, my boss and I were going from meeting to meeting, and she said there is a party we needed to go to. We usually have office parties for birthdays, so I figured there must be one today. So I walk into the room, and it is a BABY SHOWER!!! There is a girl in the building who is due in a few weeks, and they were throwing her a shower.

Well, I've been trying to ignore the fact that my EDD is Aug 28th, but sitting in this room, watching this girl.... it was too much. I had to get up and leave. I could barely hold in my tears until I got to the stairwell.. I felt like such a fool.. I know I shouldn't be so upset, but it really took me by surprise.

Anyway, I'm not really holding out much hope for this month. My body didn't seem to have a very clear O, and since I wasn't temping, it's really hard to tell.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

I am back from the National Meeting I was at all week. I am exhausted, my feet are blistered, and I tested today and got a BFN... and my CM was slightly pink this afternoon....

Ugh

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Well, AF is here. DH was surprised, he really thought we were pg this month. I called the doctor, I need to get a new clomid prescription. But I wonder if the clomid is really doing its job. My LP was only 10 days, and I was spotting on day 9. I was not able to get my CD 21 b/w done because I was at the National Meeting for my work...

So now I am waiting for the doctor to call me back, and find out if I am still going to be on 50, or if he wants to move me up to 100. Plus, this will be my third round... I don't know how many they will do, or how many I want...

I would like to thank all of the ladies on this board. Everday I read your j/e's, I am inspired by your strength and dignity!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So my doctor called last night... they increased my prescription for clomid to 100 mg. I am hoping that the s/e's aren't that bad. Plus, he told me to count saturday, when I first started spotting as CD1!! That means I only had an 8 day LP last month=( I have a lot of travel coming up in work, and I have already confirmed that I will be home during my fertile time. I have also told DH that he has to make sure that he isn't going anywhere... I am not putting my body through this and not be able to try!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Three more days of clomid, and then we are going to BD every day during my fertile period. I hope it works this month...

Melissa, so glad to hear about the good appt! I can't wait to hear about your numbers!

Ladies, I am getting really busy and I'm not commenting as much, but I read the j/e's every day!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So I started temping again this month. Hopefully it will help, but I'm not very good about taking my temp each morning.

Oh, and my FIL called DH, asking him if he could come visit because he needed some help (they are building a new house). I felt really bad, but the days he wanted DH to go out were smack in the middle of my forecasted fertile time!! I had to remind DH, so now he can't go help his dad...

Oh well, at least I know we are both motivated!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Do you think temping still works if you only do it every other day? Probably not, but that seems like all I have been doing. I think I am gearing up for O, my OPK was getting darker yesterday, and I have watery CM. So DH and I are making sure everything is covered.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

I remembered to take my temp this morning after I had already gotten out of bed and went to the bathroom. It was really high, so I discarded it. But I am having some pretty strong O pains, and I am hoping that I o soon. I hope it's not like last month, everything seemed to be happening around CD 10...but I didn't O until CD 18?

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

Okay, I am so frustrated right now... I was talking to another person on this board, and she was saying how the state of Illinois requires insurance to cover IVF... wow, right? So I call my insurance to ask them about it, and since my husband works for the government, our insurance is federal and doesn't have to follow the state laws...

But when I got my job here, I didn't know about any of this, and I decided to stay on my husbands insurance...

Anyway.......I just want to say that I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES>>>>>>>

okay.thanks

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

My temp was 97.06 this morning...does that mean I'm ready to o?? I don't know because I haven't temped in three days!! Sad

Oh well, we are covering our bases just to make sure.

Have a good day everybody!

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

I have done a crappy job of temping this month, and now I am getting a second surge on my OPK's...? So, DH and I are bd'ing, but it is getting tiresome (and that is sad on a level all by itself!)

Plus, this weekend has sucked for a couple of different reasons... First of all, my second m/c's edd was today.. so that is kind of sad. And then, on Saturday, the lady from Still Missed support group called me and caught me off guard. This really nice woman was so upset because she had made me cry... but what could I do? She did tell me about a memorial that they are having in October that I think I want to go to... she is going to send me an invitation. They are going to make a banner, and we can have "Ashcroft babies"... or something like that placed on the banner. I think I would enjoy that.

Anyway, I am still hoping for a BFP this month.. I'm just not going to have a real good idea of when my O date was.

Joined: 08/25/05
Posts: 392

So now I am wondering what I am supposed to do about my blood draw I have scheduled for Weds. I scheduled it last week when I thought I had o'd, but now I may be o'ing this week, and if I am, then this b/w will be useless because I won't be 7dpo.

I think I will call the dr's office and ask them what they want me to do...

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