I feel a little bit funny starting this journal, because right now, I am very close to quitting TTC. But, I need somewhere to hang out my laundry and figure things out.
I am 28 and DH is 30. We have been together for five years. DH and I got married in Jan 2005, and the next month I stopped taking BCP. We weren't in a rush to get pg, but we were ready for it and were excited about the possibility of a new baby. I was a little bit surprised as the months went by and nothing happened. By July, I was online (found pg.org!) and doing research. I started to chart, and I began using OPK's. I think the OPK's helped, and I was glad to see that my body was doing everything that is was supposed to.
In September, after starting a new job, I got fired. I was totally shocked, and angry at my boss. It was Friday, September 16, 2005. I called DH, told him what happened, and went home to be miserable. We had been trying that month, but I figured we were through because I had been spotting the past few days. When I got home, I wanted to have a beer and relax, but because AF hadn't shown her face, I figured I would take a test to make myself feel better for having a drink. When I got a BFP, I was shocked. I was home alone, and I just kept saying that it wasn't possible. I felt horrible after being fired, and now I get a BFP?
When DH got home, I showed him the test, and he was pretty surprised. We spent the weekend in shock, but on Monday, I went to the doctor, and it was confirmed, I was pregant! We called our families right away! Of course everybody was excited. At first everything seemed to be fine. I had my first appt, and they did a pap smear. The doctor seemed a little busy, but he and I didn't really "connect". When I went home, I was spotting very red blood. I could barely pull myself together to call DH. He convinced me to call the dr back. I got the nurse, who was very nice, and she explained that there is often spotting after a pap, and that I was probably fine. But she scheduled me for an u/s just to make sure everything was fine. When we went in for the u/s, I was just over six weeks, and the doctor saw a heartbeat and showed us the fetal pole. We were both so excited. We really got into it, DH and I would spend hours talking about different baby names, furniture, nursery, everything baby. But, I started spotting for real, and I scheduled another appointment. Long story short, I had lost the baby.
It was a horrible process, each appointment and each blood draw you got your hopes up and the doctor would say everything should be fine, but the news just continued to get worse. Finally at 10 weeks, the u/s showed a fetal pole that measured six weeks, and there was no heartbeat. I was crushed. The doctor told me that I should probably schedule a D&C. He told me that his wife had had two, and she was fine by dinnertime. Otherwise, I would have to wait for my body, and the pain would be very bad. Well, I felt like we had gone through enough pain so I scheduled a D&C.
It was horrible. I don't think the doctor did a very good job, I passed an amazing amount of tissue, and I was in bed for a week afterward. When I went back to visit the doctor, and I waited for over an hour to see him and he still wasn't even in the office, I told the nurse that I was leaving and that I would never see this doctor again.
Well, after that whole experience, DH and I were committed to letting my body heal and then TTC again. Everybody said that we were healthy and that this was just a fluke. So in two months, we were surprised with a Christmas BFP! We were visiting our family when I tested, and we only told his parents. But from the beginning, I didn't feel good about it. I was spotting quite a bit, and by the time we got back from our trip and scheduled a dr appt (with a new doctor!), I was already miscarrying the baby. My mind could not deal with the fact that I had lost another baby. Why was this happening?? My new doctor was wonderful. She agreed that I seemed to be healthy, and said that we would run blood tests and do an HSG to make sure there was no problems. Well, we ran all the tests, and two things came back. First of all, I have a slightly elevated prolactin level. My doctor said that it was barely elevated, and that this was nothing to worry about. But my progesterone was very low and my Luteal phase was a little bit short. So my doctor suggested clomid.
Well, on my first cycle of clomid, I got another BFP. At first, we were very cautious. But as I dealt with severe m/s and had ZERO spotting, we began to get excited!! We both felt like this was a possible baby for us. We still didn't share the news with our family. I was having an u/s the week before Mother's Day and I hoped to be able to share a picture with our mom's to share the news!
But, we went in for the u/s at 6wk3dys, and only saw a yolk sac. No fetal pole and no heartbeat. I was so upset. But the doctor said not too worry, we were probably just early. Even though I knew exactly where we were because of the clomid and OPK's. So we went back in another week. I still felt very pregnant and had zero spotting.... but there was only a yolk sac. At over 7 weeks, it was obvious we did not have a good pregnancy.
Because I had a new job, and had already taken alot of time off work, I didn't want to wait to miscarry, so I scheduled another D&C. This one was completely different. I barely spotted for a week, and then it was over.
But here we are now. I am sad and angry. DH doesn't understand why this is still happening. I have a very hard time through each m/c. And although DH is very supportive, he doesn't want to keep exposing me to this kind of hurt. And quite frankly, neither do I. The only tests that are left to run are the genetic tests. So I see two possible outcomes. One, there will be nothing wrong and no explanation about the losses. Or, they will tell us one or the other has a genetic problem that prevents us from being able to carry a child, and recommend donor egg or sperm.
I don't think that donor egg/sperm is something we are ready for. And I don't know that I am ready to just keep banging my head against a wall and continue to have m/c.
There have been people in my life who have told my that this isn't is bad as it could be because I am so young. This infuriates me. How can losing three babies be "not that bad"??!! There is as yet no explanation for my losses, and I don't understand why they say that. It doesn't make me feel any better, and I don't think it has anything to do with my situation.
Obviously I have fertility issues, but they don't seem to have anything to do with my age. So in my opinion, it is worse. Because when I do get older, and I still want to try and have children, it will be one more thing stacked up against me.
That is where I am today. We have our first appointment to discuss fertility treatment options on the 22nd. So, I guess we will see what the doctor says. But right now, unless they can identify a problem and a way to fix it. I don't think I want to get pregnant only to lose another baby. My heart is running out of room to love babies I have never met.
Well, I am still in the "baby blues". Last night, DH took me out to this Italian restaurant that we love, and I was looking forward to just relaxing with him. But then he started talking about a guy he works with whose wife is pg. She is due around the same time my second pregnancy would have been due. This guy brought in her u/s pictures and was showing them off to everybody.
Right then, I lost my appetite, any desire for conversation.. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I wish that he could have u/s pictures to take into work to show off. He didn't expect it to bother me so much, but he was really nice to me. I got really quiet, and he tried to get me to talk, but I wasn't interested. So instead he told me he was willing to talk if I wanted to.
You know I wanted to talk, but I get tired of saying the same old things...
Anyway, today is the two week mark after my D&C. We are officially off pelvic rest. I have definitely missed DTD, but I am not sure I will be in the mood tonight. Poor DH...
Let me repeat what everybody else has already said...... TGIF!!!
This has been a long week.. and I am glad to have a quiet weekend in front of me. One thing though, one of my girlfriends called last night and invited us out to dinner tonight. I haven't seen her since I had the m/c because she sent me an email that was rude and insensitive.. She also has fertility problems, but she is almost 35. She essentially went on and on about how glad I should be that I am young, and how much better off I am than her... Um, I've had 3 m/c's in less than a year, what is good about that? I am totally sympathetic to her situation, she has PCOS and has not been able to get pg. But her situation is DIFFERENT... not better, not worse, only DIFFERENT...
So I was giving her some space so that I didn't say anything rude, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to see her yet. But I think we will gracefully bow out of dinner. I am still enjoying being at home, relaxing with DH. I don't think I'm ready to be out and about with people...
Well, everybody have a great weekend!! I am not on the internet much at home, so I will check up on everybody Monday.
Okay, I had a really good weekend. DH and I drove around town in our convertible (great weather this weekend!!). We went antique shopping, I am looking for some things for the back yard.
And then last night, my stupid neighbors had to start up.... I am going to vent about this once, but then I am done with it. I don't have enough room in my life for other people's negativity. Now for the vent........
My neighbors are very inconsiderate, even though our houses are less than 10 feet from each other, they act like they are the only people for miles. We have been butting heads over the last few years, but we were really trying to ignore them this spring. But they are so obnoxious!! So yesterday, DH are sitting in the backyard relaxing, and they are in their yard with their kids. Which is great, I hope to some day be able to have a backyard full of kids too.. But, I will still be considerate of my neighbors..
They turn up their radio super loud, to the point where they are shouting to hear each other. (This is the parents by the way) So after putting up with it for a bit, DH knocks on the fence and asks very nicely if they could turn the radio down. And they do, so that was great. But then the kids are playing wiffle (sp?) ball, and they consantly hit their balls into our yard. I have been hit by them a couple of times in the last few weeks. Within a few hours, there are FIVE wiffle balls in our yard. And they pretend that nothing happened, no heads up, sorry or anything. And we have told them to keep the kids out of our yard because we have two big dogs, and I would hate for anything to happen. So finally, they run out of wiffle balls. You hear the kids complaining to the parents, and then the youngest boy yells over the fence and asks if there are any balls in our yard. DUH! Where do you think they went? I was a little annoyed, and I asked him if he could promise that no more would hit me on the head..
But, this is not a little boy's issue, so I gathered all the wiffle balls and went over to talk to the parents. Just ask them to be more considerate. As soon as I walk up to the house. the mom is yelling at me "You picked the wrong house! You should have bought a different house!"... I tried to talk to her, but she shut the door in my face.
So, I walked back home, and told DH what she did. By then the mom and dad were standing on the deck YELLING at us!! It was ridiculous. Their kids were standing next to them as she *****ed me out and told me that I was too uptight, and she spent $25,000 on her back yard, and what did I expect her to do?
I couldn't believe they were yelling at us, so I said why don't we talk about this later when we're not upset.. and they refused!! They said they would always be mad, and that it didn't make a difference... So, she is no longer going to be "nice". and she is going to play the radio as loud as she wants and not care about us...
You know, I understand we are much quieter than them, but come on! Is the music less enjoyable if you turn it down just a bit? And is it so hard to teach your kids some manners and ask them to give a heads up if the ball is coming over? It sucks, because this is the beginning of summer, and I feel like we are going to battle with our neighbors and not be able to enjoy our home. And this is all so immature!! Four adults should be able to resolve this without resorting to shouting and name calling... Oh and the killer, she kept telling me to wait until I had kids..... that cut a little deep...
Unbelievable, I went home on lunch, and there was a note in the mailbox. The wife was apologizing about her outburst, said it was no problem to move their home base so that the balls go into the parking lot behind our homes, and next time, just shout over the fence, so she doesn't get defensive.
If that is all it takes to fix it, why did I have to go through that Jerry Springer episode last night?? I think that is the way these people live though. You always hear the husband and wife in screaming matches, and then you see them out and about, and they are as happy as can be. I think that is just how they communicate.
But, I stand by my earlier statement, I don't have room in my life for other people's craziness...
So my mission today is to find a pair of cute, summery flirty sandals that cover the top 50% of my feet. (That is the dress code in my office) I have "winterish" dress shoes, and then I have summer sandals. I have worn them everywhere else I worked, and there was never an issue...
So I have this cute outfit on, black skirt with a great pink top, and I am wearing black loafers . I am going to head out on lunch and find myself a pair of shoes!!
That's all in my life today..
Steph, it is really good to see you here! I hope the clomid works for you!
So, this is turning out to be a pretty great week. I haven't mentioned it before, but the job I am in now is a temp-to-hire position. Which means I have a contract to work for them through September, and then they have the option of hiring me full-time, or extending my contract. This is a great job, I get to do a ton of great things (you know, what I went to school for!!) But, I am only a temp. But then my old boss called me last night. I left that company because it was sales, I worked horrible hours, and it just wasn't my "cup of tea". But I loved my old boss, he is one of the nicest people I have ever worked for. He called because there is a management position that might be opening up (that means somebody "might" get fired), and he wanted to know if I was interested!! I really like the job I have right now, but I don't have any security here. So I am going to go in and talk to my old boss and see what they are looking for, and then go from there.
It is such a nice change of pace to have people calling you for jobs instead of job hunting for six months with no word back...
Oh, and I am going to lunch with my girlfriend today at a new restaurant that we haven't tried!
Tammy (MrsCliffy) - I am sorry you are so sick, I hope you feel better this weekend, but great job losing another pound!! And good luck at your appointment next week.
Ugh, Mondays can be so tough, especially when you had a great weekend with DH, and all I want to do is be home with him and relax just a little more!!
Oh well, at least I am busy at work, it helps me get through the day..
Tammy, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you are getting beat up by something..
Sarah, go for a girl!! You deserve one, because you are such a great mom, and in the end, you will love your child no matter what!
Amber, your list made me cry. TTC has taught me some things about myself that I wish I could change. I am much more selfish than I ever thought. But, I am also a lot stronger, and I can tell that you are an amazing woman!
So today at work, a women I work with brought a HUGE mistake I had made to my attention... I had accidently sent letters to three people that they were going to receive FULL tuition scholarships..... they are actually only getting HALF tuition scholarships.....
Oh, I hate when I mess up... it sucks... These poor kids are going to be so angry....
Now, my boss is pissed at me, I'm pissed at me, and I have to run around all day and try to fix this before we get totally screwed.........