Thread: Rita's TTC Journal - BFP on 10-27-06

So I am having a very hard time dealing with this stupid issue at work today.. I am a perfectionist, and I don't like when I am wrong, but I am going a little far today...

But then I realized I have been getting increasingly short tempered lately. Could it be because our appt is coming up on the 22nd and I'm not sure what to expect?? Probably... I have been spending a lot of time on the internet doing research on different infertility treatments, tests, costs, etc. I don't really feel that optimisitic. I feel like since we have already had all of the blood and hormone tests done... the only thing we have left is the genetic testing. And we will either hear that everything is "okay", or that there is a problem which can be resolved with donor egg/sperm. Neither of which we are ready for.

I don't know if this is making sense. Last night, we were watching tv, and I was working on the laptop. I was reading some IVF articles, and it made me cry. DH saw me crying, and told me to stop looking so I wasn't sad... He doesn't understand... I want to be educated for this appointment, but the more I research, the more hopeless I feel.

One of the articles I read last night said that men are often 10 to 12 months emotionally behind the wife when dealing with infertility. Well, that describes my DH. He is cautiously optimistic, but nervous about bad news. I on the other hand, am constantly imagining what our life will be like without children because I feel like that is more and more of a reality.

There have been times since I started this journal (I know, only a few weeks ago) that I have wanted to show it to him so he would "understand". But the truth is he will never understand how much it is affecting me, and that I worry about how this will affect our marriage, our friendship.

For example, after all of this TTC, breaks for medical reasons, breaks for emotional reasons, will our sex life ever be the same? We used to be so spontaneous, and we had so much fun together. TTC made it very routine. But that isn't even the worse part, it's the breaks when all of a sudden we have to start using some type of BC, it's invasive. You can't even make love during the break and not be reminded about TTC....


Do I think my DH will ever understand any of this? Heck no. But he loves me and tries to make me feel better the best he can.

Okay, this was a completely disjointed rambling... but I feel a little better. I worry that my journal is too negative sometimes, but I use this when I am the most overwhelmed, stressed and upset. When I am happy, I want to go find the people in my life that I care about and share that happiness with them.

Does that make me a selfish journaler? I don't care!!



Okay, enough craziness from me..... ladies, thank you all for being. It makes my life so much easier to know you are all out there.

Well, AF has shown up today.. I knew she was coming. I had the tiniest of brown spotting for the last few days and I was really irritable. So, that and our appt this Thursday to talk about treatment options... What a week..

Oh, but there is really good news too!! I got offered a great job!! I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I was working in a contract position. And my contract was only through Sept. But the company offered me a great position (with a nice jump in pay!)

So, I have been really busy...

All BFP's, Congratulations!! I hope you have healthy pregnancies and you enjoy all the joys of motherhood!!

Everybody else, I will catch up soon!

My doctor called and gave me the results of the fetal testing from my last pregnancy. There were extra chromosones. It was a trisomy condition, but not one of the typical types you hear of (Down's, Fifths, etc). So it is time for us to see a geneticist.

I was at work when he called and I called DH. We were both pretty shaken by the news. I have been doing my research, and this is not good news. The typical treatment approach is to test mom and dad, find out who has the "balanced translocation", and recommend IVF with donor sperm/egg, depending on who carried the problem. Well, we don't feel like donor IVF is an option for us. There are many reasons, but mainly, we want "our" baby. That is what we want to accomplish. DH really would feel removed from a pregnancy with donor sperm... He feels a little better with a donor egg, because he feels like I would be able to carry the pg and connect in that way.

But honestly, I don't want either. If we can't have "our" baby, I think I am ready to stop. The other possibility is that we may have anywhere between 25% to 40% chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy. But how many miscarriages and losses are between that healthy pregnancy and now...who knows. And how many more can I handle? I used to think I was such a strong woman. Like Super Woman step back, but these miscarriages have taken the wind out of my sails. Each one is so devastating, and I'm not sure I can just keep trying indefinitely.

So, DH and I talked last night. It is really heartbreaking for both of us to be here. I actually wish that we both have problems, and that it isn't only one of us. DH agreed with me when I said this. It would be easier, and I don't want either one of us to shoulder any guilt.

At this point, I just feel like we have been pushed down a cattle chute... Every stage of this process, whenever something has happened, we've hoped that it was just a "fluke". Now I feel like we are facing the real chance that we may never have biological children.

I have to say this though, DH and I are very happy. We have a good life. We will still have a happy marriage wthout kids. But, it is a huge sadness that we will both carry.

We've agreed that we are not going to talk about any alternative options right now. (Adoption) Simply put, it is an option, but not the one we want right now. If we can't have biological children, I think we both want to spend a few years together, and make that decision later.

So we had our appointment with our OB last night. He was very nice to us, but he didn't really have any information. He referred us to a geneticist at a nearby hospital. The doctor has a genetic counseling degree from University of Chicago, which is supposed to be a great program.

But, when I called the office today, they want us to come in and speak to a genetic counselor BEFORE we get any testing done.... That is so frustrating for me... There isn't anything to talk about in my mind until we get tested! Get my medical records, that will tell you everything you need to know. The nurse was telling me that they need to justify the tests with a diagnosis.... Well what the hell is three miscarriages and abnormal fetal chromosone tests!!!!! I hate worthless appointments... all I want to know now is hard information. I seem to know more about the options then some of these medical people do.

So, now we have an appointment with the genetic counselor next wednesday. We will review how sad it is that I've lost three, and that, yeah, it probably IS a good idea to have us tested. THEN we can schedule the genetic tests..

I am so frustrated with this process, I am so tired of getting bad news at every turn. I used to spend all my time on the internet looking at pregnancy related articles, statistics, etc. But now I don't even waste my time, I am looking at genetic and choromosonal research, and realizing how long of a road will probably be ahead of us.

And the huge kicker?? I don't even want to get pregant!! I don't want to go through the whole hope, excitement, worry, and eventual grief merry go round again... I know I can get pregnant, but I don't ever seeing it last. I really am pretty discouraged right now.

Whatever the results, it is going to be so hard. If the geneticist doens't find anything conclusive, we would have to keep TTC and just hope for the best.. But I've already described how hard pregnancy has become for me. And if they do come back with news that we are passing on a problem... well, that is just going to be hard.

Ladies, I am sorry, I am reading everybody's j/e's, but I'm not doing a good job of staying in touch.

Vanessa, I love the pictures from your trip! and it sounds like you got home just in time!! Good Luck!

Steph, I'm glad you got an RE appt, and I hope you are able to get some answers!

Dayna- I hope your symptoms mean something more this month!!

The other thing I didn't write in my last j/e. The testing on our last pregnancy showed that we had a little boy. That was really hard to see. It brought back all the feelings of loss..

I have always dreamed about having a little boy that looks like DH.

So, I had a pretty good weekend. I did Bikram yoga for the first time. They put you in a room at like 100 degrees, and then you have your 90 minute yoga class. I did it on Sat and Sun, it kicked my butt!! But, it felt great, and if it wasn't so far away (30 min drive), I would do it more often.

Other than that, I am busy at work, and we have our genetic counseling appt on Weds. I'm not expecting much...so in my head it is just a formality.

I hope everybody had a good day!

Well, the appointment today was good and bad. First of all, our genetic counselor was very patient. I was not happy to be there, but she gave DH and I a ton of great informaiton. We learned that the genetic defect discovered in our last baby boy was an anomoly, and that there is no test to find out why it happened. However, due to family history and my history, it would still be a good idea to get Dh and I tested, and she explained all of the options available to us. It took a while to go through all of the information, but she was very patient. Then she went to get the doctor, who wanted to talk to us.

He was a jerk! I will never see him again. He was very condescending to us. He said that having genetic testing on DH and I was "excessive" ... WTH? He said that three miscarriages is no big deal, and the last pregnancy was an anomoly, so it really wasn't warranted.. But we could do it if we wanted to..... I told him flat out that coming from a man, and somebody who hasn't gone through it, I don't have much respect for that opinion. He said our next pregnancy should be fine...Yeah, we've heard that before! DH and I were pretty upset.. I am sure he knows what he was talking about, but he was very rude and had the worst "bedside manner"...

The genetic counselor usually works out of the University of Chicago, so once he left the room, I asked her for a recomendation to see another genetic doctor. She seemed just as surprised by his behavior as we did.

Anyway, now we are looking at a couple of thousand dollars in tests to maybe find out nothing... THis process just sucks, I don't need %$#hole doctors to make it any worse....

Okay, well after a nice and long weekend, DH and I have been all over the board about TTC. After finding out that our insurance may not cover the tests, and they will run over $4000 , we started talking about putting off TTC indefinitely. Lots of reasons, but stress was the biggest.

Then we spent the weekend unable to get away from kids... We went shopping, and there were families with little kids. Saturday night we went to one of DH's co-workers b-day party for their 2 year old girl. Sunday night we went out to dinner with our friends and their 5 month old son.

So we went for a walk tonight and started talking again. We may be able to get the insurance to cover half of the cost for the testing, but the tests will not give us that much information. So, it's really just a question of do we want to start trying again, or do we want to wait longer. I pretty much feel the stress of TTC whether we are active or not. So, in my mind, waiting doesn't do me any good. And DH is ready, he just wants me to be ready. The only thing I would want is to go back on clomid, I do have a short Luteal phase, and it did help that.

So, I want to give my body one or two more cycles between my last m/c and TTC again, but I think we have agreed that there is no point in waiting.

I was ready to stop this journal because I thought we were going to be done, but now it seems we are still trying. I feel confident that I can get pregnany, I just hope one of these times, it will stick.

Well, I am already feeling better having made our decision. Uncertainty is one of my biggest stresses, and not knowing what we were going to do about TTC was stressful. So, now I am back at work, we are scheduling a vacation for ourselves in October, and we will beging TTC again in another month.

I just need to call my OB, and let him know what we decided. Find out if there is anything else he would want us to do before we started again.

Hi Rita!

I responded earlier today to an email you sent me when I lost my first baby in May. I had to come here and verify that it was indeed your journal that had captured my attention yesterday. I am not sure why I didn't register this sooner, but I just realized that you miscarried as well in May. My apologies for not being more sensitive to that, at the time. I am sure you can understand very well how distracted, and almost self-pitying one can be at a time like that.

I just wanted to say thank you again for being so inspirational throughout your journey, and reminding me that even though it may be tough, trying again isn't the worst option.

Also, good luck with TTC next month, and have a wonderful vacation in October. Hopefully it will act as a stress reliever for you, and let your little beans stick stick stick!

Take care!