I feel a little bit funny starting this journal, because right now, I am very close to quitting TTC. But, I need somewhere to hang out my laundry and figure things out.
I am 28 and DH is 30. We have been together for five years. DH and I got married in Jan 2005, and the next month I stopped taking BCP. We weren't in a rush to get pg, but we were ready for it and were excited about the possibility of a new baby. I was a little bit surprised as the months went by and nothing happened. By July, I was online (found pg.org!) and doing research. I started to chart, and I began using OPK's. I think the OPK's helped, and I was glad to see that my body was doing everything that is was supposed to.
In September, after starting a new job, I got fired. I was totally shocked, and angry at my boss. It was Friday, September 16, 2005. I called DH, told him what happened, and went home to be miserable. We had been trying that month, but I figured we were through because I had been spotting the past few days. When I got home, I wanted to have a beer and relax, but because AF hadn't shown her face, I figured I would take a test to make myself feel better for having a drink. When I got a BFP, I was shocked. I was home alone, and I just kept saying that it wasn't possible. I felt horrible after being fired, and now I get a BFP?
When DH got home, I showed him the test, and he was pretty surprised. We spent the weekend in shock, but on Monday, I went to the doctor, and it was confirmed, I was pregant! We called our families right away! Of course everybody was excited. At first everything seemed to be fine. I had my first appt, and they did a pap smear. The doctor seemed a little busy, but he and I didn't really "connect". When I went home, I was spotting very red blood. I could barely pull myself together to call DH. He convinced me to call the dr back. I got the nurse, who was very nice, and she explained that there is often spotting after a pap, and that I was probably fine. But she scheduled me for an u/s just to make sure everything was fine. When we went in for the u/s, I was just over six weeks, and the doctor saw a heartbeat and showed us the fetal pole. We were both so excited. We really got into it, DH and I would spend hours talking about different baby names, furniture, nursery, everything baby. But, I started spotting for real, and I scheduled another appointment. Long story short, I had lost the baby.
It was a horrible process, each appointment and each blood draw you got your hopes up and the doctor would say everything should be fine, but the news just continued to get worse. Finally at 10 weeks, the u/s showed a fetal pole that measured six weeks, and there was no heartbeat. I was crushed. The doctor told me that I should probably schedule a D&C. He told me that his wife had had two, and she was fine by dinnertime. Otherwise, I would have to wait for my body, and the pain would be very bad. Well, I felt like we had gone through enough pain so I scheduled a D&C.
It was horrible. I don't think the doctor did a very good job, I passed an amazing amount of tissue, and I was in bed for a week afterward. When I went back to visit the doctor, and I waited for over an hour to see him and he still wasn't even in the office, I told the nurse that I was leaving and that I would never see this doctor again.
Well, after that whole experience, DH and I were committed to letting my body heal and then TTC again. Everybody said that we were healthy and that this was just a fluke. So in two months, we were surprised with a Christmas BFP! We were visiting our family when I tested, and we only told his parents. But from the beginning, I didn't feel good about it. I was spotting quite a bit, and by the time we got back from our trip and scheduled a dr appt (with a new doctor!), I was already miscarrying the baby. My mind could not deal with the fact that I had lost another baby. Why was this happening?? My new doctor was wonderful. She agreed that I seemed to be healthy, and said that we would run blood tests and do an HSG to make sure there was no problems. Well, we ran all the tests, and two things came back. First of all, I have a slightly elevated prolactin level. My doctor said that it was barely elevated, and that this was nothing to worry about. But my progesterone was very low and my Luteal phase was a little bit short. So my doctor suggested clomid.
Well, on my first cycle of clomid, I got another BFP. At first, we were very cautious. But as I dealt with severe m/s and had ZERO spotting, we began to get excited!! We both felt like this was a possible baby for us. We still didn't share the news with our family. I was having an u/s the week before Mother's Day and I hoped to be able to share a picture with our mom's to share the news!
But, we went in for the u/s at 6wk3dys, and only saw a yolk sac. No fetal pole and no heartbeat. I was so upset. But the doctor said not too worry, we were probably just early. Even though I knew exactly where we were because of the clomid and OPK's. So we went back in another week. I still felt very pregnant and had zero spotting.... but there was only a yolk sac. At over 7 weeks, it was obvious we did not have a good pregnancy.
Because I had a new job, and had already taken alot of time off work, I didn't want to wait to miscarry, so I scheduled another D&C. This one was completely different. I barely spotted for a week, and then it was over.
But here we are now. I am sad and angry. DH doesn't understand why this is still happening. I have a very hard time through each m/c. And although DH is very supportive, he doesn't want to keep exposing me to this kind of hurt. And quite frankly, neither do I. The only tests that are left to run are the genetic tests. So I see two possible outcomes. One, there will be nothing wrong and no explanation about the losses. Or, they will tell us one or the other has a genetic problem that prevents us from being able to carry a child, and recommend donor egg or sperm.
I don't think that donor egg/sperm is something we are ready for. And I don't know that I am ready to just keep banging my head against a wall and continue to have m/c.
There have been people in my life who have told my that this isn't is bad as it could be because I am so young. This infuriates me. How can losing three babies be "not that bad"??!! There is as yet no explanation for my losses, and I don't understand why they say that. It doesn't make me feel any better, and I don't think it has anything to do with my situation.
Obviously I have fertility issues, but they don't seem to have anything to do with my age. So in my opinion, it is worse. Because when I do get older, and I still want to try and have children, it will be one more thing stacked up against me.
That is where I am today. We have our first appointment to discuss fertility treatment options on the 22nd. So, I guess we will see what the doctor says. But right now, unless they can identify a problem and a way to fix it. I don't think I want to get pregnant only to lose another baby. My heart is running out of room to love babies I have never met.