My temp this morning was 97.79, but I am sick and I think it is affecting my temp. I reschedule my b/w for saturday. which reminds me, I need to make an appointment to take my car into the dealership on saturday also.
Plus, I have to schedule a hair appointment to get my hair trimmed. My lil' sister's wedding is next weekend and I am in it. So I have to get everything ready...
I'm not feeling very well today, so I am rambling a bit.. but I hadn't posted in a while and felt bad.
Tammy, good luck!! I hope this is your month!!
And Katy!! Congratulations!!
So my temp went down this morning... hopefully it will go back up tomorrow morning. But I still took a test today, of course it was BFN (I'm only 8dpo!)
My sister's wedding is this weekend, so I'm hoping to find out one way or the other beforehand. If AF is coming, I want to be able to share in the toast!
My temp went down further today....what is going on? I got my progesterone results from the dr and it was 31.2, which is good... but, my body is being stupid.
If I still have a short LP, is there anything else they can do? I took 100 mg of clomid and my progesterone tested fine, but now my temps are going down like AF is coming.. Of course I've been taking tests each morning, and they are BFN..
This really sucks. Last night, DH came home and asked me when we would know if I was pg, and I told him not till Friday or Saturday, but that I felt pretty pg (which I do)... he couldn't hide his smile!! But I will feel horrible if we're not.. my body just sucks....
Okay, I went to the bathroom today and had pink in my cm (sorry, tmi). Now normally I would say great, that may be implantation bleeding, but since my LP was 8 days last month, I think it may actually be AF showing up. But I am going out of town this weekend, and if this is really AF, I should start my clomid on Saturday or Sunday....
So I called my doctor and asked them what they wanted me to do...and they said go in and take a blood test!!! I just hope that I'm wrong and it's implanation, but we'll see..
My bloodwork came back negative.... :bluesad: The nurse asked if I wanted to get another dose of clomid, and I told her that we were taking a break from clomid this month. She had the nerve to say " Oh try and relax, that can get you pregnant a lot!" :blowup: WHY AM I TAKING THE CLOMID THEN??? You know, I expect that crap from people on the street, but a nurse? Doesn't she understand??
Anyway, I called and told DH, and we are both bummed. I still haven't started AF fully... and the worst part is there is a lady on the May 2007 board who had a negative blood test last week and got a BFP today... so against all odds I am still holding out hope :doh:
cd6... my sister's wedding went really well this weekend. She looked beautiful. Of course, my family can't get through three days without a Jerry Springer session... the night of the rehearsal dinner, it got ugly. But everybody pulled it together for her wedding day. I also found out that my other sister's husband has been having an affair for the past 10 months, and they have two kids....... I am heartbroken for her. She is trying to work through it with him, but it seems to me like that is a terminal relationship. And worst of all, the kids are paying the price.
Anyway, it feels weird to have a cycle with no meds, no b/w... I don't think clomid was really necessary for me. But we will see...
I hope everybody is doing well, and I am catching up with everybody's j/e's
I have developed the habit of telling the (few) people that know we are TTC that we have stopped. I am sick of offering explanations and telling them about the treatments and how each month is another failure.
I am pretty restless most days now. I used to obsess about what cycle day I was on, using opk's, and when I could start testing. And even though we haven't stopped ttc, I am not going to use opk's this month. For the ten cycles I have charted, I have ovulated within a day or two of cd17. So, why waste my money on opk's?
But don't you know, when I finally get fed up with ttc and am ready to step back - DH is gung-ho about it! So, he wants to bd every day (which is okay with me), he wants to know if I am ovulating, and he wants to know when I will know if I am pg... It is nice that I know he wants a baby so much, but it's hard to keep up my positive attitude.
We have a weekend getaway coming up in a few weeks, but that is when AF is going to be due...yuck. We've both been so busy, I just want some time to reconnect with him and have fun. He is such a good friend, and I really do have a lot of fun hanging out with him.
Anyway, good luck ladies, I am hoping everybody gets their bfp's soon.
This weekend was fun, on Sat I played in a co-ed football league. I have played sports my entire life, but never football. And then on Saturday, my BF came into town with her DH and in-laws. We went out to lunch and it was really good to visit with her.
Dh and I have been in a funk lately. But last night we started talking and we are both itching to get away on a vacation. I think we have both been working a lot and it is beginning to catch up.
Anyway, since AF came this month, and I stopped taking clomid, I have completely reverted to lurker mode on the boards I usually post on. I almost feel like I am on a TTC break, even though that's not what it is. But, after trying so hard for so many months, this relaxed (kindof) attitude just feels sooo different. When we were talking last night about where we would like to go on vacations, I even had the thought that I didn't want to get pg so I could go on vacation and have no worries... But, I don't feel like I have the luxury of "not trying". What if we don't try the month that I could get pg and stay pg? I know that doesn't make any sense, but, oh well.
Have a great week ladies, can't wait to see some BFP's!
I just got the worst news... my mom called and she has breast cancer. I am shocked... She is going to be making some decisions in the next few days about treatment and where she is going to go. She lives in Michigan, but my sister has recommended a place in Texas.. I will probably go and spend some time with her wherever she chooses to have treatment.
Any prayers are appreciated... my mom raised all four of us girls, and I can't imagine my life without her...
First of all, I want to say thank-you to everyone who has responded and been so caring about my mom. She is going to her first consultation in MI tomorrow, and my sister who is a RN will be with her. I know that this has really affected her already. She called me on my birthday and wanted to wish me happy birthday. During the conversation, she was very concerned that we were doing something special and we didn't let the day pass. That is a little unusual for my mom, she is usually very matter-of-fact.
Anyway, I am thinking positive. They caught it early, and this is very treatable.
On the TTC front, this month was not very good. I o'd yesterday, but we didn't bd all weekend. So, this month is probably a bust. And since I wasn't taking any clomid anyway, who knows if it would have even worked.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I had a great day!! My friend at work took me out to lunch. Then last night DH took me out to dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant! I am still full from all of the food I ate!
DH got tickets for us to go see Wicked!! I am so excited, I read the book when it first came out, and I have heard that the show is fantastic. We don't go until January, but that totally gives me something to look forward to!!
DH left this morning to go to Michigan. His parents are building a new house, and they needed some help with the construction. I think he will be back tomorrow night, so it is a short trip.
I was cleaning my house last night, and in the basement bathroom, I discovered a random pg test!! Now this is bad, because at the grocery store not one hour earlier, I was debating if I should stock up on tests. I am so obsessed with poas that I have tests I don't even know about!!
Anyway, not that it is worth anything this month because our timing SUCKED... And now AF is going to be here next weekend smack dab in the middle of our romantic weekend getaway. Is it too much to ask that I go away for a weekend and not have to worry about either AF or being able to drink a toast because I am pg? ** stomp foot on floor**
okay, that's all for today. Everybody have a great day!!
My lesson that I learned this week is be careful what you wish for...
I was complaining about AF coming during our trip next weekend... so she came a WEEK early!! That's what going off clomid and taking a break will get me, a totally screwed up cycle!! Yeah, so now I am furiuos at my body. I am seriously considering moving on to adoption. (even though DH won't go for that)
I just don't think I am going to get pregnant and be able to have a baby. It just seems like it is all too hard. And, why do IVF or IUI or anything else when I am just going to lose the baby anyway.
Either adoption, or I want to be able to put this all behind me (yeah right) and have a life with just DH and I. Travel, spend money without feeling guilty, move to an area and not have to worry if it will be a good place to raise kids.
This in-between is seriously beginning to get on my nerves.
So, I know there are so many women on here that are so much stronger than I am, and have traveled longer roads... but I'm beginning to wonder if this is all I can do. But how do you turn off the desire to have a child? How do you wake up in the mornings, and see your life, and know that there will never be a child to share your life with? I wish I had the answers to those questions.
I don't even feel like myself anymore. DH and I don't have sex unless I'm o'ing. We used to have an amazing and very spontaneous sex life. I think we've had sex 3 times this month!! That doesn't sound very amazing or spontaneous to me.
And DH doesn't understand. He feels like we need to get my body back to "normal". Well, what would that matter? I couldn't carry a pregnancy before I started all of these treatments, why would I be able to carry one now?
And to people who say "you're young..." All that makes me think about is all the years I am going to spend knowing that I can't have a child.
Okay, AF must really be showing up today, because I am sooo emotional. I am sitting here crying at work. Way to look like an idiot. I am going to go and hide my head and hope nobody sees me.
Well, I ended up having a great weekend. I babysat for my neighbor's 7 mo old on Saturday, and DH got a TON of stuff done on Sunday! Nothing exciting, but I felt like we had accomplished a lot!
Anyway, AF is officialy here. I spotted all weekend, and then I finally had red flow last night. Unfortunately, that means I only had an 8 day LP... But, before going back to clomid, I am going to try B6 and prog cream. I am also looking to see if I need to switch insurance that would allow me to have IVF coverage. If it's not IVF, we are going to have to look into other options. But, I am okay getting through the end of the year, and making a plan for the new year.
I am back from our trip... we had a fantastic time!! The Ozarks are beautiful, especially this time of year. We went mountain biking, we went on wine tours, and we spent a ton of time just relaxing! DH and I really enjoyed each other's company, and we didn't worry about TTC or talk about it at all...
Now I am back at work, and trying to decide what I am going to do with this cycle. I never got any B6, and I don't even have any OPK tests to find out when I ovulate. I may try to relax and just take it easy. For whatever reason I have made the beginning of the year a time when I want to sit down and analyze what we are doing with TTC. But over the holidays, I may just want to relax and enjoy life. But, we all know how much harder it is to relax and forget about ttc than it sounds... so we will see.
Lisa - I am so sorry your lil pumkin is gone. But Jon is right, you have a very special angel in your family now. And I know that when you do have a child, your heart will only be fuller from this experience.
Cazz - Good Luck!! Your strength and renewable hope is amazing!
Everybody else, I am still catching up on the j/e's, but good luck!
I am such a dork. I wrote all that about staying neutral this month, and not worrying about everything, then I go and order a TON of OPK's and some pre-seed for this month! Well, it won't hurt, and we can use the practice! Here are some pictures of our trip...
Here is me and DH at one of the wineries we visited.
The armadillo that hung out outside our cabin!
The trail we mountain biked down. You can't tell how CRAZY these rocks were!
Okay, baby fever is back! Every month, I could almost track it on FF it's so reliable! I get bummed when AF comes, promise myself never to look at FF or pg.org again... Then I enjoy a few days of no worries and adult beverages.... And then about a week before O, BABY FEVER!!
Yep, I start going to the birth boards and looking at all the belly pics... looking at the babies dressed up in the halloween outfits.... just hoping that I won't have to wait that much longer.
Anybody else do this to themselves?
Well, I bought green tea and B6 supplements yesterday. The pharmacist at the grocery store made me feel like an idiot when I asked him about the progesterone cream... He was very condescending and informed me that ALL progesterone is prescription, and there is no research that suggests it helps prevent miscarriage. What?! Why do I always feel like I know more about this stuff than the medical people do.. And he told me that B6 is not a problem, that most people get enough in the regular food they eay, and that he thought it was a waste of time. What a jerk.
I bought the B6 anyway, and now I am waiting for my OPK's and pre-seed to come in the mail. DH and I are putting in a lot of practice this weekend!
Well, I have a football game this weekend, and then DH and I are going to a pumkin farm tomorrow and getting some hot apple cider! Hope everbody else has a great weekend!
I am still waiting to O, but the good news is that the pre-seed came in the mail, and I will start using that tonight!
On another note, the hospital we go to is having a remembrance ceremony this week, and DH has agreed to go with me. He really isn't into it, but he said he would go with me to support me. I don't know what to expect. I'm hoping to get some comfort and closure, but it may just be upsetting. I can't explain the way I feel about our losses, the emotions from them has kind of buried itself inside me. I don't know if I understand my own feelings anymore, so I try not to deal with them to often.
I have been wearing my memorial bracelet and earrings all month, and I enjoy looking at them throughout the day and thinking about what beautiful angels I have. But I was crying last night while we were watching tv, and it had nothing to do with what was on the tv. I was just emotional, and I was thinking about why I had my candle lit all day to honor October 15th (www.october15th.com).
DH and I were talking about how our lives are ready for a child. So many of our friends who have had kids have had to make huge changes to thier lifestyles when they had kids. And I know there will be adjustments, but we live our lives like we have a family. We talk about things we would do as a family. We aren't out partying on the weekends, we don't feel like having a child will hinder our lives. However, if we didn't have any children, it would actually take some effort to live our lives child free.
Sorry for the rambling, I'm a little nervous about this ceremony this week.
I just read that a member from the Oct 06 board lost her son shortly after he was born. It is so tragic... I went to the chatroom that Missy opened for it, and I think I really didn't belong there. I knew the girl from the ttc0-12 board, but I was not a member of the birth board.
But I felt a little compelled... it is such a tragic loss. My prayers are with Sarah and her family.
Last night was the Still Missed memorial service. DH went with me, but he was not looking forward to it. He does not get into the religious stuff at all, and although I am NOT religious at all, I found the idea comforting.
Well, it was a very hard night. But at the end I felt comforted. They had some beautiful readings, many families shared their personal stories, and then they called each family up and gave them a dove with their child's name to hang on a banner. We got three doves that said "Baby Ashcroft", with the date of their loss. DH went up with me and we hung them together. Then I was given a rose and a dove pin with the quote "Love Lives On". I wanted to take a picture of the banner, but there really wasn't a good opportunity for it, and it was late by the time it was over, so we just headed home.
We were both pretty drained, but I think we both felt it was a good experience overall. I kep having the thought that maybe taking the time to recognize these losses will make room in my life to move on and have a baby.
I've been at a training conference all week, and with the late dinners that go with it, I haven't had much time to post this week. So far, I am very frustrated!! I am spotting... I have been since 6dpo. So, I probably am not pg this cycle, but I can't say for sure yet. Of course I have been testing, but only BFN's yet.
Also, it was weird because my dr called me completely out of the blue on 6spo, right after I started spotting. He was calling to check on me because he hadn't heard from me in a few months, and he was hoping to talk to me each month. I told him I wasn't taking the clomid, and that I didn't feel comfortable taking clomid for a long period of time, because of the risks. He kind of brushed me off, and said that there was no proof that clomid causes problems. Long story short, he wants me back on clomid, and will probably start giving me prog. supplements. I don't know how I feel about it, on the one hand, I obviously need clomid, but I really wish I could do this without medicine.
However, I guess the truth is that I am afraid the clomid won't work and I will have to look at doing even more invasive things. And I know there are hundreds of women who go through these treatments, and I sound like a big baby, but I try to keep these thoughts here. I know I am lucky to have the health insurance to even cover these options.
My entries on here have been pretty disjointed lately. But that's the way I have been feeling. So after spotting all week, convinced that AF was on her way.... I tested today and got the faintest BFP. Now I'm terrified.....
I've already called the dr and ordered prog supplements, and I will do a beta draw tomorrow and Monday. I don't feel like I'm pregnant, and I am terrified that this is going to be another loss too. The spotting is NOT a good sign for me....
I even have that feeling like it's not real. Even though I took two tests this morning, I read them after the time limit, so I brushed them off. And then I came home from work, and I had pee'd just one hour before, I took three more tests! One digital, which was negative, one internet cheapie, which could go either way, and then a walgreen's test that was definitely positive. I've even taken pictures....but I can't get my STUPID computer to download the pictures.
So what do I do now? Should I still play on my football league tomorrow? (it's just touch) or is that too big of a risk.....?
I hate that I can't even be a little excited right now. I even told the nurse on the phone that I didn't think I would make it through the weekend.
I tested again and got a BFP on a digital. Blooad test today and monday. I keep hoping this will turn out well.
I hope you guys don't mind if I keep posting here for just a little while. I don't feel like I am pregnant "enough" to move to the pregancy journals.
I did play football yesterday, and I had a blast! I've decided I can't stop living... whatever is going to happen will. But the good news was that I was sooo tired when I got home, I slept all afternoon, and was very queasy last night!
I am so nervous right now. I need to call my dr to get the results from my first beta. Of course, I really won't know anything until I get the second results... but I woke up this morning and there was some pink spotting. It seems to have stopped...but I feel like I am fooling myself thinking this is a good pregnancy..
I called the nurse, my numbers on Saturday (3wk, 4 days)
HCG - 16
Porg - 28.4
She is going to try and get the results from this morning before the end of the day. I have to admit it, I'm on pins and needles. I know the number shouldn't matter, and that I should be worried about doubling. But that is an awful low HCG number....
I have another blood draw tomorrow and then on Saturday.. I am just hoping that the number keep going up.
I have some light pink spotting today. I'm so scared. I know my numbers doubled, but they were very low.
I did run about 1/2 an hour with DH this morning, maybe that caused it? My back kind of hurt this morning afterwards, but I was figuring I stepped wrong while running. What if that was cramping?
In a way, I feel like this is already over. I am at work, and there is nothing I can do, and I feel miserable.
I'm going to give anybody reading this fair warning.. this will be a long, ranting post... but I have to get it out of my system.
First of all, my mom is having her mastectomy (sp?) on Nov 29 in Texas. I was planning on going down there and helping out after her surgery because she will be down there for up to a month. My sister who lives in Texas is very bossy, and she has pushed my mom into having the surgery in tx instead of her home (mi). But that's okay, I wanted to be there for my mom. Well, as soon as I got my BFP, I knew that it would not be a good idea to travel during my 1st trimester. So my bossy sister calls me and starts asking me about when I'm coming, how many times I can go down there, and how long I will stay. I was trying to tell her that I wasn't sure, and that I may just wait and go to see my mom in MI when she was back and help her out there. I didn't want to tell anybody about the pregnancy, because it is so early, and I just don't know what will happen.
Well, my bossy sister became very upset that I wasn't coming, and she is assuming it is for selfish reasons.. So she has been calling my mom and other sisters telling them that I "won't" go to TX. So, then I have to call my mom, and tell her I "can't" (big difference to me) go down, but I will try and be in MI afterwards. She didnt' really seem to understand, so I had to tell her it's because I am pregnant. Her reaction totally floored me....."You're Pregnant!!"
Hello. Does she not understand that this is not exciting, and it's not fun for me to tell people over and over that I'm pregnant, and then have to go back and tell them just a few weeks later that I lost it? She even said that unless I told my bossy sister exactly why I couldn't go down, my mom doesn't blame her for thinking that I am being a little selfish!
I am so angry at my family. I want to call my bossy sister and scream at her!! I want to tell her that I'm pregnant, but don't worry, I am probably losing it, and then I will be able to fly. So everything worked out in the end!!
If you can't tell, my family is a little disfunctional. I ended up hanging up on my mom, she was telling me I "had" to tell my sisters. Excuse me, has she gone through this? no. Can I deal with it the best way I can without having to explain it to family?
So why am I so pissed off? It's not like I am surprised my family is a bunch of jerks. In my head I know that I am focusing all my anger on them because I can't do anything about having another m/c.
I had cramps all last night and this morning. I have been spotting pink for two days now. I called the dr, went in for a blood draw this morning, and I am working from home right now waiting for him to call me. I am working from home because I was at work sobbing in my cube.
I know I'm not dealing with this well. I am not very good at this, even though this will be my 4th :? m/c. You would think I would be able to deal with this a little better.
Sorry you had to read my craziness. But if I didn't write this here, I would have picked up the phone and called my sister. That just would not accomplish anything.
Just once, I want to be able to tell somebody I'm pregnant, and not have to use it to explain why I am not able to do something, why I can't go somewhere, or that I am scared because I may lose it.
I want to say I'm Pregnant!! And all I can think about is my new baby!!
But I can't do that.........
So, I talked to my doctor, my number went up to 231! That's good, of course I am still nervous. I am also trying something new with my prog. supp. I am putting it in an hour or so before I go to bed, and that way, all the excess does not pool around my cervix. The idea is that all the extra is irritating me and causing the spotting.
Well, this morning, No Spotting!!!
So, I continue to take it day by day...
Okay, today I went for my first u/s and we saw the heartbeat!!! I think I am going to transition over to the pregnancy journals now. I am still nervous, but I have decided to embrace this pregnancy!
Thanks for all the support I received here.