100 posts. I Wish I had something nice to say. Turns out to be a bad day again... whats new right? THanks to my fellow journalers for sharing this journey, and everyone who pop's in to read my updates.
DH has been so angry since Friday. I had to go out for a few hours because he was shouting at me and just getting pissy. IT hasn't gotten much better, he appologized but then an hour later he starts getting angry all over again. Now today i'm going to the airport to pick up my dsd and put on a happy face. I keep doing that, don't want to upset the kids, however he could care less about protecting them from us arguing. (((SHAKing my head))))
Makes me feel like an outsider again with our family, is them and me. Not a nice feeling, i guess i'll always face that being a stepmom. Not fair.
feeling SO MUCH BETTER Today. Things with DH are much better. WE talked calmly a little yesterday. DSD is here, its given us all a nice break in stress and we are just focusing on a nice visit.
As for the RE, I went by myself, and decided to move on to injectables with IUI. Then i went to the nurse to start filling out paperwork/consents and she briefly described the cycle. Then she told me about the cost. OMG i'm not sure what we can do now. The meds she guessed would be about $1500, injection class $200, monitoring $375, acutal IUI $200. Holy crap. I went to Safeway and asked about the price in meds, the pharmasist was so sweet, he pulled out the book and looked up extra info.... he said just under $900 (if the dr doesnt up the dose). But then he told me of a location in the city that is beside a fertility clinic and they may be able to get it cheaper for me. FINally he said "It will be worth it, I Just got my new grandaughter two weeks ago"
I'm having a change of heart (for now) I went to the RE, decided to move on to injectables.... then was shocked to find out about the cost.....
DH and I had a bad weekend fighting, made amends and so we started talking about this next part of our ttc journey. DH was of the mindset that whatever I think is next we will do. Then I gave him the info sheets the nurse gave me. He got overwhelmed. Its alot to consider, $$$$, 25%chance of twins (he said he could handle twins but 3????) the fact that he will have to stab me every day...
I agree. I kindof just moved on to that because its 'the next step'.
Yesterday I Had a nice customer and as I was ringing her purchase in she says she has had 4 grandchildren in three years to which I reply I need what your girls are drinking.... after she paid she says "so you are trying?" ya...
She said her daughter tried everything but finally went to a naturepath and boom got pregnant. She called the daughter, got the name and phone number for me. UP till today honestly I thought it would be easier to just stick with my re and move on to shots but i'm not so sure i'm ready for that. TOday I called and made an appointment with the naturepath i'm really feeling good about it. I hate that I might be WASTING a few months doing this, but in my heart I know it will only help me. It will still cost money but not near as much, who knows maybe she has a magic pill to help me loose weight
Today was my little sprouts edd. I was getting more depressed two weeks ago knowing this day would come. I had some good talks with dh, he's been a big comfort. Last night I got sick, sick on too much rich food, too much red wine, a terrible headache and too many tears. I threw up all night till 5am. I still went to work but after a few min my coworker asked "who's got the gingerale and crackers?" I put up my hand and just started crying. I lasted another 20 min and got dh to pick me up and take me home. I slept till 2:30 and didnt get up till 5:30. I still feel like crap. I have a big day at work tomorrow too, maybe i'll be able to leave early by lunch im hoping.
How am I supposed to serve customers who are shopping for their newborn without being sad about my loss????? I think I should stop trying to be so brave and take care of myself. I'm sure i'll feel better soon once these next few weeks are over.
DH is right, one day at a time, things will get better or at least feel better. Yesterday I had to work almost a whole shift, at the end a customer i've been serving for two years told me she's pregnant (has two other children including a one year old) oh and her dh was getting a vasectomy the day after she found out she was pregnant.
Today I had a regular customer really nice lady, she was talking to my employee who she knows well and leans over and says guess what....
oh yea pregnant too, and she's upset because she cant go back to work since she has a baby already.................................
I just left
I'm feeling much better though. Tonight I got a bit stressed but that happens every O time so tonight I plan on turning the tv up in my bedroom and attacking dh.
Tomorrow we are going to Seattle for a minivacation. Can't wait to go to the pike street market, southscenter mall and cheesecake factory. I'm broke but hey....whats new
I've been avoiding posting on my journal for a few days...... I hate that its been so negative. I guess i've had alot of hurt feelings and things to go thru the past year. Anyways i'm happy to be visiting again..... happy that I realize now I HAVE THE POWER to change things in my life. I'm starting with a hard one.... i'm joining Weight Watchers again. I've started watching my diet since Monday and i'm feeling good already. I wish I had already been to a meeting because I love the initial drop in weight, since I don't have a scale I won't know what it is. Big deal, get over it Deb. Anyways i've got DH in on my 'healthy choices' kick too. I cannot believe how much more I weigh now than my fav summer after loosing weight 4 years ago. I cannot wait to feel like that again. The hardest part was starting the weight loss journey, and im doing that so YIPPEE!!!!!
I can't wait for my naturopathic doctor's appt in a few weeks. Watch, i'll get pregnant before loosing weight....... oh well :lol:
Things have been really good. Work was hellish thurs and friday, but i've been feeling pretty good after surviving work. Tomorrow is one week on my healthy eathing plan. DH and I went to the gym yesterday and I weight myself. I lost 4 lbs!!!!! I'm really happy with that, can't wait to loose more and notice it in my clothes. I've been more aware of what i'm eating and its feeling really good. Dh lost weight already too. I wish I could loose at least 20 lbs before getting my bfp but its out of my hands.....
Still "on plan" :) I'm starting to guess when I o'd though and count how many dpo i might be at...... I've done so good this month not obsessing. I have one frer test whispering to me but why would this be the month? Even IUI's dont work, but ttc is a funny thing. I'm still hopeful every month.
Can't wait till the weekend.... not to test but to weigh myself :) Oh maybe i'll go to a WW meeting on wednesday and start my official weigh in's... not sure yet.
I went to my "first" WW meeting (first in a year) and i've already lost 5 lbs!!! I'm so proud of myself and I feel really good. This weekend i've eaten worse food but i'm still being good overall. Gotta keep it going.
Last night I searched for my frer and I couldn't find it. I know I have one left, but I threw out a bunch of empty hpt boxes two weeks ago and might have thrown it out. :( I what I would give for a dollar store near me that sold hpts. AF is due tomorrow and so far no cramping. I'm broke but when did that ever stop me from buying tests. I saw a "sale" on digital tests 3 for $28. Not cheap compared to american prices but.... maybe i'll get some tonight, not sure. if i'm not pregnant at least i'll be able to put the next two tests to good use.
I do feel diffrerent this month, not as obsessed. Usually I can't wait to get to 8dpo. It helps that I didnt chart or use opk's so I'm not sure when I o'd.
Ya, maybe i'll run out and test tomorrow. Just to get it out of my system for another month. Wed is my naturopathic dr appt. Can't wait.
I couldn't do it..... go without testing for a cycle. I'm addicted but I did much better this month. I made myself proud in how I didnt obsess as much, till the 1ww of course :)
I tested last night and this am with fmu and got a bfn.
The naturopathic dr i'm going to has a website and I finally checked it out. Im so excited, she has so much training and experience. I know it will be good for me.