the results are in..........BFP!!!
I got the blood test results monday, positive. I went home and gave DH a party invitation and on the inside it said:
FOR: Baby L
WHEN: Dec 26, 2007
WHERE: Peace Arch Hospital
RSVP: Pink or Blue we welcome you
He looked at me and said 'Your pregnant?"
we had a nice hug and he said "I knew I could do it" :lol:
We are over the moon. When I got home from work yesterday he met me at the car and took the bags of groceries out of my hand saying "pregnant women shouldn't be carrying these" :P
My sister came to visit me (she lives 800 miles away) and last night I handed her the same card. It took her a min and she just looked at me questioning and I said yes. Tears and hugs. I finally will make her an auntie again (first are my stepkids)
My mom called but I didnt tell her, she lives there too and will be down next week so I will give them the news in person. I'm so glad I get to tell my family face to face and not over the phone.
Thanks to everyone who have shared my ttc journey, pass on the (((sticky vibes))))
Bad news. Tuesday morning after breakfast i felt crappy and strange, like i Was in a bad mood. I got some light cramps and sat most of the day at work just to be safe. I was off work wednesday and woke up with a sore throat and feeling more of the same, just crappy. I wanted to get a baby book to start a journal for our little sprout, so i went to walmart where after purchasing a few items i went to the washroom and i was spotting. Just a little bit of brown. I was upset but not freaking out. I went home and laid in bed the rest of the day. Cramps were stronger but I could deal with them, and then I spotted more. Today I had really bad cramps, I called the RE and left messages with the nurse but after waiting an hour I couldn't take it any longer. I called my friend at work and she came and took me to the er. THe cramps were awful. DH left work and came to be with me. AFter bloodwork and ultrasound they basically said it looks like a miscarriage. I need another beta on sat to make sure its going down. I"m so tired from the pain all day that i'm kind of in shock. I cried alot this morning and at the hospital. now i'm just tired. my re called me and he wants to see me next week for a follow up and i'm eager to go. I don't want to wait long to ttc. But i'm still in shock.
Theron called my parents to tell them that I miscarried. He offered to call them for me which was really big of him. I couldn't even talk to them, i'm too upset. I havn't been talking to anyone except my friend from work who drove me to the ER.
Yesterday DH took me to get my follow up beta done, and it is already down to 26. It was like hitting the last nail on the coffin. Dh told his parents who didnt even know we were pregnant. Honestly I was a bit worried to tell them when we got pregnant, scared they would say something like "why do you want another baby, or you can't afford a baby.' but that was just me being stupid. They were wonderful and very supportive and sympathetic to DH. MIL emailed me and said that she was sad at the thought of a grandchild she could have had.
I guess next time I won't assume the worst in people. MY bad.
My neck is sore from laying in bed so much. I'm getting more energy but I still want to hide.
I went to my RE on wednesday. He was very sympathetic for our loss. He said he believes that nothing was wrong with me, but probably with the baby. I knew he'd say that but it truly comforted me and DH. He also said that we can start ttc right away, even this cycle! Honestly I was excited thinking that I might only be "not pregnant" for a few weeks in between. But in my heart I know that it would be best to at least wait for one normal period. DH was so sweet, he felt that too saying i'm not ready (meaning emotionally too) but if I wanted to try he would too. I think he just wants me to be myself again and smiling.
I'm starting to feel normal again, which makes me sad at how fast my body is getting used to not being pregnant again. But I guess its good and will just make our next bfp come that much quicker.
Work is really hard, I have two pregnant women to work with, one who complains about her pregnancy and all I want is to have those complaints. (i'm sure i'll complain when its my turn too but)
Yesterday we had a beautiful 4 day old baby girl in the store, along with a few other babies under three months.
Oh my first day back in the first hour of helping customers a lady said to me "did you have your baby already?" OMG I had to say oh no, thats the other girl that works here. In my heart I was thinking of saying "yes, i had my baby and now my baby is gone". Guess that would have killed the sale.
Didn't have a great morning. It was my first time back at my congregation since our m/c. Some of my best friends were there comforting me, but I didnt make it thru the first song and i started to cry. A family was coming in and all I saw out of the corner of my eye in the row beside us was a baby car seat. I lost it, as soon as the opening prayer was over I bolted for the bathroom. One of my friends came and talked to me, after a bit I was calmed down and able to go back to my seat. It really shocked me at my strong reaction. All week I had to work and I think that it made me supress alot of my feelings/grief. Today being off work, and in my safe place with my congregation just opened up the floodgates. i'm glad I went, I needed to unload those feelings that i've kept in for the past few days. After this morning my DH was so sweet, he asked me if I wanted to make another baby tonight. I said no. Its nice to know he just wants to make me happy.
Things are ok. Work is a bit better to deal with. Something funny happened monday night. I almost had to call the firemen to come rescue my kitty in a tree, but I did the rescuing instead. She is usually an indoor cat but i sat outside with her while she sniffed around the backyard for 30 min. She was so cute and we've done this a few times so I thought it was safe. Well the second I walk inside (and left her out) she took off up the tree. This is a huge west coast cedar tree. She was up maybe 20 feet and I thought she'd come down in her own due time. But a few min later I saw 5 birds circling the top of the tree and actually attacking the tree. She had climbed almost to the top. :o When I saw the birds attacking I knew they would kill her so I had to get her. I climbed up maybe 40 feet, didn't look down and got her. She looks like puss in boots from shrek, with her big scared eyes. After I got down I realized how many scratches I had. I'm covered with them and also from the tree.
She is not allowed out for a few days.
What a crappy week. I have had my heart broken again. I caught my DH in a lie. A bad lie, one that was against our relationship. He admitted to doing things that we promised not to do when we got married. I'm feeling so many emotions and trying to decide where do we go from here. Funny. I cannot decide that. The ball is still in his court despite the fact that he is at fault. Its up to him, I love him with all my heart and dont want to jump ship. He needs to decide if he's going to be faithful to me or not. TTC is hard on relationships, and loosing a baby adds to the confusion and stress and pain. I really dont need this, nobody does. I feel the stress growing in my neck as I write this. I've been thru this before with him, at a much lesser degree and we work it out within a week. But this is a doozy and will take alot longer. I feel so cheated in that i'm also loosing ttc time. How can I try to have a baby when we are not working as a team? It feels like he's cheating me out of time doing this too. I wish I could just explain it all point blank but I dont want to air all of my familys dirty laundry in hopes that we will be able to clean it. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGg
I guess no babies this month, kind of hard to get pregnant when he's banished to the couch downstairs and i'm in no mood for even ttc sex.
doing MUCH better now. I gave dh a to do list if we are to stay together (not that I had any plans but) and he has done well fulfilling it.
He knows he was wrong THANK GOODNESS so finally my life will be much easier.
So as for ttc, this month even though its my first cycle since loosing sprout, and I didnt chart or use any opk's; i'm obsessing. I have no idea when I o'd, but i'm pretty sure I did since i've started temping on and off again. If not, i'm totally going all out next month, temping , opks, vitamins. Why does it feel like I'm "cured" from my unexplained infertility? I mean, since I got pregnant, i'm getting my hopes up that i'm cured so I can get pregnant right away. Here we go again, hope i'm not getting my hopes up too high just to crash and burn.
I had a man come into my store yesterday. He looked a little lost but glowing. I quickly saw the hospital bracelet and said congratulations. His first son had just been born the night before and he was in to look at clothes. He told us about his wife, the baby's name, the labor and he was such a proud daddy. As soon as he left I lost it. My friend/co-worker took one look at me and gave me a hug and that was the end of me. It was just too much because half an hour before a woman was buying something for a gift and I made the comment "oh dad's love this hat" and she said well its for a young girl who's 19. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? that she accidentally got pregnant and there is no "dad". #*&$^*^$@#^ HELLO, here's me, here's my womb, vacant and ready for business. I know this past few weeks have been crappy in my home but its coming around already.
I took a test today just in case that the last time we bd somehow coincided with my O. BFN. I have had some cramping and my hormones are totally whacked which i'm sure made things worse here at home. This period is going to be hell I can tell already. I hope it isn't late.
I don't like all of my venting. Its just a downer, does nothing nice for anyone reading my journal. I need to get my frustrations out fast, so I can move on and start making a comfy home for our next bean. I feel like apologizing to everyone who has read my journal this past week. Hope I didn't ruin your day with my crap.
I ended up getting some cross between the flu and a cold this week. Tuesday it started and I had a heck of a night with a fever and couldn't sleep till 4am. The sad part was that DH surprised me with an appt for a full body massage wed am on my day off. I had to call and cancel. :( I have to go to work soon, my district manager is visiting me today. SHe is cool but still, I need an easy day and i'm not going to get it.
I"m so much happier with dh. HE is really trying to be romantic and pay attentnion to me these days. I've woken up twice now to a rose on the pillow beside me. Seriously, did he go online and google "what do women like" ? :lol: More importantly, he's being honest and open with me. Things are looking up.