We got the call....But missed it. Dh just brought me the phone.
We were told to expect a call around 1pm.
The RE called and left a message at 9:15 but we never heard the phone.
I called back to hear the news, no eggs fertilized. They are going to try a rescue ICSI. Its been almost 24 hours since my ER and they are just starting it now.
After all of this time I know our chances are probably %5 now, and thats just to have some fertilize, then there is my womb to consider....
The RE called. ICSI didn't work. This cycle is over.
We planned on only one IVF treatment.
I don't know how to express my feelings. I'm in a fog.
Oh Deb. I'm so, so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you. :(
I had a wierd dream last night. I was at a memorial service for a friends mom (who actually passed away this May,elderly) with my family which included our little son who was a baby but just starting to talk. He looked at me and said potty and I immediately ran to the bushes just a bit away from where we were (like at a picnic now outside the service) pulled his pants down and waited to see if he actually held it to go potty and he did, had a big old pee and I was so happy to think he was potty training himself. Meanwhile my DH saw me in the trees and got mad because it was almost 'visible to everyone' but I didn't care. That was it.
Today I felt like looking at a handful of the boards I have frequented for almost 5 years, went to my Dec 07 BB and saw the thread for potty training. I hate to think I could have a toddler right now but I don't.
Hanging in there. Dh is away for a week at my parents. Its dark and gray with cold rain. The house is very quiet. AF came early and has been very heavy but fortunately not overly painful. I just look at the blood and think what a waste, that was supposed to nourish my babies. My mind races between trying again and giving up, looking forward to an empty home and maybe travelling instead of spending the money we don't have on more treatments.
I need to go find something sweet to eat.
Two weeks ago today, my world changed.
Two weeks ago + 2 days my world was rose colored. I was walking on a cloud with Dh hand in hand.
Friday September 10th 2010
Dh and I drove to Seattle to greet his brother and SIL who had travelled to the west coast for an Alaskan cruise. It was his first time to the West Coast. Dh was excited to play tour guide in Seattle.
We met them at their hotel which turned out to be beautiful and right downtown. We started walking towards Pike Place and make it just a few blocks when I saw a ton of banners that said "HAWAII" and heard music and saw a crowd. There was a tourism 'party' set up with booths advertising Hawaii. I was so excited. I thought this is so happy, its going to add to my chances of conceiving as I LOVE Hawaii. I got some Hawaiian chocolates and cookies.... and a Plumeria!!!! DH put it in my hair after I breathed in its glorious perfume. I made Dh smell and told him it smelled just like Hawaii. It sure did. We then headed to the market and saw lots of yummy things and interesting crafts.
I thought of buying something for our baby. I had a customer a few years back tell me what she did and I took on her idea. Everywhere she and her Dh would travel she would purchase a small baby item for when they had their firstborn. I thought it was so neat and took that tradition on for myself. I purchased a tshirt on our Honeymoon to start things off, socks from Ivars Acres of Clams about 4 years ago, things from Oregon and Victoria... and so I found myself wanting to do the same... but held back as I wanted to wait until getting my bfp.
We went to see the fish mongers. It was fun taking someone there who had never been to see where so many tv shows and movies have portrayed the exact spot where they throw fish. There is ALWAYS a crowd there and nothing much was happening. I decided to pass the crowd and actually look at the fish, they had a HUGE octopus there. I thought it was neat and took a closer look............. when all of a sudden this huge ugly fish lept up right beside me and came back to life.... I SCREAMED so loud and then one second later realized I had fallen for their gag fish which was tighed to a rope. It was a real fish but anyways. The ENTIRE crowd laughed and clapped. It was funny. It just added to my positive energy and feelings. I knew that I was holding a warm and inviting womb to hold my future children.
We walked along the pier and the men had fun in a sports memorabilia store talking to the owner. My eyes wandered to the baby outfits and I took a look at the different styles. I put them back and kept on going.
We went for 'linner' as we had not had lunch and they were on eastern time and were starving. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. Then another nice walk around town. By then all were exhausted and Dh and I headed home. I was excited about the next morning's events but was remarkably calm.
I went right to sleep that night. I had a good deep sleep. My alarm woke me and I thought to myself " why did I leave the alarm set for today? My ultrasounds and bloodwork appointments are done?" but then quickly realized that this was our Egg Retrieval day. I was so impressed that I was relaxed and calm. Things couldn't have been better. I had a great rest and my body should be ready to release some nice ripe eggies. The drive there was really good. We were so calm. So full of hope. Waiting for my belly to be full of life.
For a little while longer at least.
Saturday September 11th, 2010
I was so calm and felt like I was holding the world in my hands as I woke up. DH and I had a light breakfast and began the journey to the Hospital. I was tired from the day before but still felt full of life, I truly felt a sense of calm over my entire being.
We arrived a bit early and the floor was quiet. Noone else was scheduled for an ER that day. We had extremely nice nurses and as I had my IV which incidentally took two tries she asked me if I had taken Ativan this morning. I said I know its amazing that i'm being so calm. ( I hadn't taken any medication)
The RE came in who was doing the ER and asked us if we would help out in a study and we both agreed. They are testing the fluid that they keep the embies in to see if it can predict the outcome of a cycle.
Dh changed into scrubs and we went into the OR. As soon as I got up to walk there the tears came. This was it.
DH put my fav CD in the player and we listened to the Zac Brown Band. I tried to focus on our wonderul houseboat vacation this summer and keep the calm vibes going. I did ok. The nurse gave me my meds and she said it would feel like i'd just 'done a shot'. She was right. I told her i'm very sensitive and I will need the most drugs you can give. I think I said it to everyone in the room a few times over :lol:
The RE and nurses kept apologizing 'for the delay' as they were having trouble with the ultrasound and getting things set up. I didn't care. I had nowhere else to be at that moment. Take your time :)
I think I cried a little when they were going to start, out of emotion. I was scared of pain but everyone I'd met on this site told me they were so medicated they didn't feel too much pain and some didn't even remember the ER. Well it hurt going into the right ovary. It was helpful to watch and focus on the fact that this pain was going to get me my baby finally. I had my own screen to watch. It hurt but I was able to get thru it.
Then the RE moved to the left ovary...
He pierced me with the instrument and I felt an incredible searing pain. It was relentless, I could see the instrument going into my abdomen on the screen just like a liposuction thingy. I cried out in pain ow ow ow ow and I was crying so much that my body was shaking which upset me so much because I knew it would make his job very difficult with me moving around so I cried out I can't stop moving I can't stop moving, then the nurse got in my face and said focus on me you need to breathe. I tried and then I heard alarms going off. She went into go mode and went to the other side of me making dh move... I could feel the O2 thing had moved half off my finger but I couldn't tell her. I finally was able to say 'its off' and she figured it out.
The RE said something and the nurse looked at him serious... I remember the instrument which hadn't stopped at all was suddenly still and everyone seemed to be staring at the screen waiting for something. I thought maybe he had cut something or they were waiting for some accident to happen. I guess it was ok because he started up again but asked the nurse to put pressure on my left ovary, to try and manipulate it. It had moved very high in my abdomen. So she's pushing down on my stomach and holding it in while i'm going thru crazy Chinese torture.
He stopped and I could see him start to look at the last of my follicles. He measured one and was deciding if he should go for it, I said do it, do it please. I knew it was the last one and I had survived the worst.
The lady kept coming around the corner with egg updates and the last count was 10. I was happy with that.
They got me onto a stretcher and took me back to recovery. There I layed down for maybe 30 min. I was happy that it was over, and that I wasn't nauseaus.
next chapter to follow
It felt like there was no point in blogging the rest of my story. No point because i've been going thru a hard time.
Basically I went thru pain, almost passed out at the elevators and had to be wheeled back to recovery for another hour before going home. Spent the next few days in bed, dealing with the pain that was for nothing since we didn't even get to have a chance at a transfer. Being sad and also feeling pain just rubbed in the ugliness of our situation.
Dh was comforting to me, but other tensions arose that have multiplied in recent weeks.
DH isn't working... again. His job peetered out, he kept hanging on saying that maybe more work will come, it didn't. So we've been living off of my employment insurance and he hasn't had a paycheque in 6 weeks.
I just posted this on the ttc 2 years or more board.
Can't really believe i'm at this point in my life.
Its just been too much.
Dh isn't working and quite frankly isn't serious about finding a new job. I've been the 'planner' and had to take care of finances since we married. Its not the first time he's been out of work, due to either lay off or injuries. Either time he was SLOW to getting work because he relied on me always working or always having a good credit rating to charge stuff.
We are having a bad time in our relationship. Infertility has taken a huge toll on us both and, well, i'm starting to come to terms with the fact that having a child right now would only add to our stress. Well those words didn't come out right, it would bring me great joy BUT its just not the best thing to 'plan'.
Being a stepmother to children is not the easiest thing to do in the best of circumstances and well, its not been easy on me.
The youngest is in grade 9 and so for the past year its been on my mind 'i could almost be free of the 'work' of being a parent soon do I want to start all over' My answer up until now was I have so much more to give, I want to love my baby and share the love and relationship I long for.
Its just so hard to do the job of a mother, care and love these children but not get anywhere near the affection a mother usually receives. Mainly teenage attitude, doesn't help when the father coddles the kids and doesn't expect ANYTHING from them.
So now that i've aired most of my dirty laundry for the internet world, I"m ALMOST ready to say i'm done. Its just that, I"M NOT DONE, but my situation has forced me to 'choose' that.
So really, am I done? NO. If I got a 'surprise' would I be happy. OVER THE MOON. But i'm done pinning my hopes and dreams on two lines and I've got to start to try and make a life for myself and gain some sense of peace in my household.
I don't have many to talk to IRL, of my two bff's, one went thru infertility for years, has two miracle children, one turns 1 this winter and is busy with the babies and won't come to see me I travel 30 min to see her and have done so for 7 years. THe other bff i've had since we were in elementary has basically become so 'busy' with her new life, now that she is working and bought herself a nice house and yada yada, didn't even remember it was my anniversary three days ago, not even a facebook post, doesn't even know we already tried IVF! Sends me a post on facebook "how are the 'plans' going?" to which I say not very well... havn't heard from her since. Well except for her to say no thanks last week when I offered to come and stay with her daughter who has strep throat so that she can keep going to work.
How did my life come to this? I try to do so much for people that I care about. I don't even have a best friend I can call every day just to chat.
I have one last phone call to make to get my last blood work results as to see if there are any more clues to finding a reason for my infertility. Once I make that then i'll use the knowledge to make the dreaded decision.
Its been awhile since i've felt up to posting anything. I guess I've been scared to face reality and so i've been brushing it aside...
well my every thought is on either baby or how DH and I are fighting like crazy. Its been bad. He's away for a week visiting his parents so we are having a nice breather.
How do men say/scream such hurtful things and then a week later act like nothing is wong. When i'm sad he say's 'whats wrong?" DUH I'm sorry but i'm not able to forget that you said you wanted to leave me.
So the cats out of the bag. He's said it to me before. He's not going anywhere.
I'm starting to realize that I'm really low in self esteme and well, i've 'let myself go' in every aspect. I like to hide rather than go out. I've gained over 40 lbs since getting married 5 years ago. I feel so embarassed when I see myself in a picture or video. I have no problem being stuck with a needle every day, or going thru painful procedures in order to be happy. But today I realized that there ARE other things in life that can make me happy. Starting with myself. I took my dog for a walk and after praying the past few days this thought just popped into my head. There is happiness out there, I just have to do something about it.
I was so happy 7 years ago when I lost alot of weight. I was going out (too much :) ) and felt so confident. Extremely confident. I was proud of myself. I would like to feel like that again.
Something tragic happened to me and I gave up taking care of myself... then after marriage and the stresses that instantly came to my life with that .. well.. forget about it.
I still have not made my mind and heart over to let go my dreams of a baby.
I'm starting to wonder if loosing my weight and maybe spending the money on going to Hawaii instead of treatments would make me happy.
I'm so messed up.
I went to see a therapist today. I had a very nice talk with her. She had sympathy for my situation and it felt nice to hear her kind and hopeful words. She offered to have a couples session to work on my relationship with my dh. I'm so happy as I wasn't sure she'd do that or if that would cross the lines.
I have an appt next week for us. DH doesn't know yet but I think he will be willing to go.
FUNNY THING. As I just typed this a thought popped into my mind. Maybe dh and I will come to a new understanding, work as a team to parent and manage our home, and love each other like we do in a constructive way... maybe in a year we could ttc again.
I'm just not ready to move on, but very close to it.